Anorexia and Bulimia

Anorexia and bulimia are two very serious diseases. And I do Mean they are diseases. Once you have it, it is very hard to treat, very hard to cure, and extremely difficulty to prevent from happening again.  I'm going to be talking about my experience I have had with bulimia and anorexia. I will not be talking about what I did to make it easier not to be hungry or how I made it easier for me to throw up. One of the biggest reasons I became anorexic is because I saw a show on TV.  It was on teens and anorexia. Instead of taking the message they were trying to put across, "don't starve yourself". I just thought I had gotten some really good ideas on how to curb my appetite. Of course the show was trying to do good and trying to help troubled teens by letting them know the harm they can do to their bodies. But all I heard was "here is how I lost weight fast!" For that reason I am just going to be talking about my feelings throughout the process and not how I was actually able to do everything. I would hate to trigger and girl into a life a constant paranoia of the one thing we should just savor and enjoy, FOOD!!!!!

As you might have guessed, I didn't handle my brothers disappearance very well. I decided I needed help. I went to a therapist. I do not know of one therapist who specializes in dealing with the unknown. I was told once the grieving process of the unknown is called ambiguous loss. If ambiguous loss means anything I would guess it's the definition of insanity.

I have been to a lot of therapists. Trying to find someone who wasn't so floored by the story I tell of my brothers disappearance is a little tricky. Their main response and advice given is, "Wow. I don't how you are handling all of this". One therapist I went and saw started crying while I told the story. It was so sweet that he was so tender to the situation. BUT---when I end up comforting the therapist and we end the session early because he is crying so much, something just doesn't seem right.  Who specializes in this stuff??? Well, I guess I do. Anyone who has literally lost a loved one becomes an expert at the situation.

It has been so nice connecting with people who have had a loved one go missing. I don't sound as crazy as I thought  I was. I am still extremely ashamed how I handled Jesse's disappearance. I was talking to a lady who's son went missing in Hawaii as well. Her response to my story about how I handled Jesse going missing and not wanting to live anymore was so kind. She said, "I think that's a pretty normal response." I laughed. Those earlier days of him being missing were next to unbearable. He is my brother. I can't imagine how a mother would feel. If it was my baby I would be a complete mess.

\Once Jesse went missing, that's when the problems started.

Blame, self-hatred, and nonredeemable guilt built up inside me. This is what all led to my Bulimia. I had already been struggling with anorexia . I could control nothing in my life. Everything was out of control. First lets talk about anorexia.

Before with anorexia everything was in control. I could control what I ate and had a lot of will power. Therefore, looking back, my emotions seemed to be a little more stable than when I was bulimic. In my anorexic days everything was timed and  I made sure I did everything I was supposed to do. I was a huge perfectionist. I got the job done. I may not have been on time to things, but.........I did always pull through:) Anorexia is such a hard disease. Eating is like your worst enemy. Every time you put even the smallest thing in your mouth you feel guilty. or , for me, I had to run 4 miles just to burn it off. (yes, I was an exercise a-holic too) In one day I would exercise a minimum of 2 1/2 hours if not more. Some might say "that's not bad", but when I look back I think "Um, Go out and live your life with people not machines and running shoes." The time builds up. I feel all that exercise was a little extreme. I love to exercise but not that much. 

I got really skinny. Skinny to the point that I thought maybe I needed to gain weight, I was 5'8'' and 120lbs. For me that is super tiny. My size 4 pants were baggy and I never wanted to be a size 2. Luckily I met Kirt and it was all up hill from there! hahahahahah!!!  Kidding, We had 4 kids together. what to you expect? Of course I let myself go! No......I'm kidding again.

 I still try to maintain a "healthy" weight, and have all my life until Jesse went missing. My perfectionist of a life went up in flames. My emotions went on a roller coaster ride for 5 years and eating went wherever the roller coaster went. That's when my eating went from zero to 100.

Here's what I really wanted to talk about, Bulimia. Bulimia is Crazy!!! It is so out of control! One minute you are stuffing your face litterally as fast as you can and the next you are bolting to the bathroom to throw it up. You are an emotional mess. I remember everytime I would eat and be planning on throwing up. When I was throwing up I would think, "I hate you niki! I hate you! It's your fault he's gone! You should have stopped him!!" and then I would feel better. Like I had just released all of my hate,  all of the bad feelings I was having at that time.

Sometimes I would throw up just to throw up because I was so upset about something. If Kirt and I got in a fight, I would throw up. If I had a bad day I would throw up. It just took away that emotion. Or.......let that emotion out.

After a while my throat began to swell pretty badly.  I couldn't eat anything but liquids and I definitely couldn't throw up. I got a small stomach ulcer and was in a fair amount of pain. I knew I needed help. I finally told Kirt that I was bulimic. He was like, "That's why you take so long in the bathroom." I thought he'd be mad but he was so kind and supportive. I got help. I went to therapy and I am doing better

Here's what I know now. Anorexia---you can loose weight. BUT!!!!! YOU GAIN IT BACK!  and then some. It is a waste of time. It is not the diet for you. It is bad for your heart, bones, and overall health!  Don't do it!  Bulimia-----you never loose weight with bulimia. If anything you gain weight. Bulimia just makes you feel better about binging on junk food. You get yellow teeth, canker sores, and ulcers. NO FUN!

DO I still struggle with anorexia and bulmia? Yes. I still struggle with anorexia and bulimia. I get on and off the roller coaster. I wish I could say I was free of it and never struggled with it. But currently I am not struggling and am doing very well. I have to live a very balanced life. If my emotions get the best of me that's when I turn to bulimia. They kind of go hand in hand. If I'm not starving myself, I'm binging and purging. It a viscious cycle.

Today I can say I am not struggling with either disorder. But those of you who are, please get help. It can take over your life. We are beautiful just the way we are. We don't need a man, a magazine, or a size 4 pant to tell us so. Being you is your own kind of beautiful. No one has ever seen your kind of beauty,  No one ever will see your kind of beauty, because you are one of a kind.