Please read the following and help us celebrate Jesse’s life:)
Sunday, March 26, 2023
Saturday, December 3, 2016
She Wears The Mark..
JENNA---for my sister
She.
She wears the mark.
Battered and bruised,
Lost and alone,
She wears the mark.
A promise never to be broken,
lay shattered beneath her feet.
Legs lose their strength and she slowly melts to the floor.
Shattered.
she picks up a single piece of her broken world,
and sinks further into the floor.
The crystal tears fall down her sweet face,
Never have I seen tears shed in such despair.
Never have I seen life so unkind,
Never....
Never...
She wears the mark.
She is beauty.
Fierce on the outside
Ever so delicate on the inside.
The proud sister I have known all my life lay pleading, begging...
"Please wake up....Please wake up..."
She is captivating.
Though she,
in her darkest moments,
remains astoundingly beautiful.
She wears the mark.
She is pushed to the wall,
past her limit.
"Fight, this will not break you",
One thing life didn't plan on...
This woman has never lost.
She can't be beaten.
Her heart begins to pound,
the fire within her begins to burn,
She is alive and fierce.
She is on her feet,
the glass dissolves to dust beneath her.
In the shimmer of the sunlight,
Her scars are only visible for a moment...
Beaten, bruised, manipulated, attacked, scraped, clawed, pulled...
She knows the fight.
I thought these were the marks of a tortured life,
No...
I now see...
Those are the marks of a warrior.
She wears the mark.
You are a true warrior sister. An example to me. And my best friend.
She.
She wears the mark.
Battered and bruised,
Lost and alone,
She wears the mark.
A promise never to be broken,
lay shattered beneath her feet.
Legs lose their strength and she slowly melts to the floor.
Shattered.
she picks up a single piece of her broken world,
and sinks further into the floor.
The crystal tears fall down her sweet face,
Never have I seen tears shed in such despair.
Never have I seen life so unkind,
Never....
Never...
She wears the mark.
She is beauty.
Fierce on the outside
Ever so delicate on the inside.
The proud sister I have known all my life lay pleading, begging...
"Please wake up....Please wake up..."
She is captivating.
Though she,
in her darkest moments,
remains astoundingly beautiful.
She wears the mark.
She is pushed to the wall,
past her limit.
"Fight, this will not break you",
One thing life didn't plan on...
This woman has never lost.
She can't be beaten.
Her heart begins to pound,
the fire within her begins to burn,
She is alive and fierce.
She is on her feet,
the glass dissolves to dust beneath her.
In the shimmer of the sunlight,
Her scars are only visible for a moment...
Beaten, bruised, manipulated, attacked, scraped, clawed, pulled...
She knows the fight.
I thought these were the marks of a tortured life,
No...
I now see...
Those are the marks of a warrior.
She wears the mark.
You are a true warrior sister. An example to me. And my best friend.
Sunday, October 23, 2016
I'm not done fighting....
You come with your teeth barred and ready to shred every part of me. Intent on destroying all I hold dear, Claws out, fangs hissing, you are here for blood. My blood.....
But there is a twist to this tale. Yes one you should know. For I came ready.
My claws are longer, my fangs uglier, and the only shredding that will be done is me against you.
Ill fight, I'll claw, I'll pull, I'll tear you limb from limb.
"IM NOT DONE FIGHTING!" I roar across the nation.
You can push claw, pull, and try to destroy me.........but I always get back up. Always.
SO take your step back, Ill never be done fighting.
But there is a twist to this tale. Yes one you should know. For I came ready.
My claws are longer, my fangs uglier, and the only shredding that will be done is me against you.
Ill fight, I'll claw, I'll pull, I'll tear you limb from limb.
"IM NOT DONE FIGHTING!" I roar across the nation.
You can push claw, pull, and try to destroy me.........but I always get back up. Always.
SO take your step back, Ill never be done fighting.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Brother
Brother
The sky is deathly dark,
yet my heart is open and free tonight.
Stars brightly lit,
the moon is full.
Magic is in the air.
Magic that can make one's dream a reality.
I am alone but feel comfort and love surrounding every part of my body.
I close my eyes and make my seemingly impossible wish.
"Inner peace" I say,
so silently that only the stars and I are able to hear my prayer,
My eyes are focused,
My heart is pounding,
I am ready.
"Free me from this broken. aching heart of mine........please...........please."
Silence.
Silence so deafening, it rocked me to my very core.
This silence felt as though it lasted an eternity.
Finally,
the stars whispered back.
Had I not been listening, I would have missed their delicate response.
"Accept the unknown," is what was softly spoken.
"believe in your heart, mind, and body. Peace is yours should you choose to have it."
Troubled by this answer,
I slowly melted to my knees and wept.
I wept for a long and seemingly endless time.
While I wept,
I repeated the stars answer in my head,
over, and over, and over again.
5 years I wept,
5 years I left the comfort of the stars,
5 years I chose to be alone.
Slowly my tears stopped.
The clouds that so ferociously filled my head began to clear,
I finally understood the stars simple answer!
That very night,
I waited till night was at its darkest and stars were at their brightest.
Humbly, meekly, and prayerfully,
I kneeled down.
A broken heart began to pray.
Pouring out every thought, confession, and uncertainty it had.
But as my heart concluded its prayer,
it was no longer broken,
but now strengthened.
No longer confused,
but accepted the hear and now.
No longer was it full of pain and grief,
but overcome with love and radiant hope.
I understood the stars message,
As I slowly rose to my feet, my eyes gazed past the stars and into the heavens.
"My dear sweet brother. The world will never be the same with out you in it.
There is a vacant hole in my heart
because of your absence.
Time and God has filled that hole,
with the tender memories and love I have for you.
I accept that I may never,
in this life,
know all of the answers..
I accept and trust in god for your safety.
I accept I may never see you again,
until eternity brings us back to each other.
I can finally accept the unknown.
I am free from the bondage of hate, mistrust, and anger your disappearance caused me to feel.
Though your absence will always sting,
I can finally let go of the past and the unknown.
I now am able to live in the present.
I look forward to the future.
Taking your memories with me as I move onward and upward,
I forgive myself
I love myself
and I love you,
my sweet brother,
Jesse.
By Gods great plan,
I will see you again."
Written by Niki
The sky is deathly dark,
yet my heart is open and free tonight.
Stars brightly lit,
the moon is full.
Magic is in the air.
Magic that can make one's dream a reality.
I am alone but feel comfort and love surrounding every part of my body.
I close my eyes and make my seemingly impossible wish.
"Inner peace" I say,
so silently that only the stars and I are able to hear my prayer,
My eyes are focused,
My heart is pounding,
I am ready.
"Free me from this broken. aching heart of mine........please...........please."
Silence.
Silence so deafening, it rocked me to my very core.
This silence felt as though it lasted an eternity.
Finally,
the stars whispered back.
Had I not been listening, I would have missed their delicate response.
"Accept the unknown," is what was softly spoken.
"believe in your heart, mind, and body. Peace is yours should you choose to have it."
Troubled by this answer,
I slowly melted to my knees and wept.
I wept for a long and seemingly endless time.
While I wept,
I repeated the stars answer in my head,
over, and over, and over again.
5 years I wept,
5 years I left the comfort of the stars,
5 years I chose to be alone.
Slowly my tears stopped.
The clouds that so ferociously filled my head began to clear,
I finally understood the stars simple answer!
That very night,
I waited till night was at its darkest and stars were at their brightest.
Humbly, meekly, and prayerfully,
I kneeled down.
A broken heart began to pray.
Pouring out every thought, confession, and uncertainty it had.
But as my heart concluded its prayer,
it was no longer broken,
but now strengthened.
No longer confused,
but accepted the hear and now.
No longer was it full of pain and grief,
but overcome with love and radiant hope.
I understood the stars message,
As I slowly rose to my feet, my eyes gazed past the stars and into the heavens.
"My dear sweet brother. The world will never be the same with out you in it.
There is a vacant hole in my heart
because of your absence.
Time and God has filled that hole,
with the tender memories and love I have for you.
I accept that I may never,
in this life,
know all of the answers..
I accept and trust in god for your safety.
I accept I may never see you again,
until eternity brings us back to each other.
I can finally accept the unknown.
I am free from the bondage of hate, mistrust, and anger your disappearance caused me to feel.
Though your absence will always sting,
I can finally let go of the past and the unknown.
I now am able to live in the present.
I look forward to the future.
Taking your memories with me as I move onward and upward,
I forgive myself
I love myself
and I love you,
my sweet brother,
Jesse.
By Gods great plan,
I will see you again."
Written by Niki
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Operation Day....Part #1
I've had two surgeries since the beginning of this year. One was elective and one was unexpected.
I have thought and thought about whether or not to post about these experiences and I have come to the conclusion, that each experience can either tear you down or wake you up and build you into a new and better person.
Each time I face a challenge, I face that choice. Let it tear me down, or let it let it build me up.
Challenge #1: Elective surgery
I've been saying since I was 16 that I would get breast augmentation. So when the money was saved up I was the first one in line to the plastic surgeons door. I set a date and was ready to go!!!
I was so excited.
Now. I think all women's bodies are beautiful so to each their own opinion. For me, I thought my self esteem could use some help and this might do the trick.
I was nervous for the surgery but figured that was normal.
I waited and waited and waited.
Finally it was surgery day!
Here's where the story starts to twist. Here is where my challenge begins.
I get prepped for surgery, say goodbye to my husband, and last thing I remember thinking is, "Next time I wake up.......I will have boobs!"
Instead.......I woke to a nightmare.
The two figures in front of me were incredibly blurry. Despite the disfigured people I saw in front of me, I could tell one was some kind of medical staff and the other, my husband.
I try with all my might to keep my eyes open, because I can hear them whispering to each other. My intuition kicked in and I could tell by the feeling in the room, something wasn't right.
"Should you tell her, or should I?" says a woman's voice.
"No. I can tell her." says kirt.
"Teeeeeeellllllll mmmmmeeeeeee wwwhhhhaaatttttt?????" I slowly slur.
They both turn. Not only surprised I am awake but that I am understanding what they have been talking about.
Kirt rushes to my side.
"Hey babe......You're awake! How are you feeling? What can I-----"
"Tell me what?!" I interrupt him.
"Oh honey. You just woke up. Maybe--"
"Tell me what?!" I ask again.
Kirt hesitates for a moment and my heart sinks a little and I don't know why, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry niki.......it didn't work......."
I look down at my chest and it is wrapped and I feel pain. I am so confused. I try to sit up and am too weak. A single tear falls down my cheek and I say....
"What do you mean it didn't work?"
So Kirt began to explain.
It turns out that I have a severe, severe, severe connective tissue disorder. We knew I had a connective tissue disorder, we just didn't know how severe. Despite this knowledge, we all felt that plastic surgery would be ok for my body. The Surgeon proceeded with the surgery and as soon as he opened me up, to his surprise, I had slim to no connective tissue to work with. (Apparrently, if you have no connective tissue, there is nothing to hold the implant in place.)
When he made the incision, instead of having to cut through flesh and connective tissue to get through or close to the chest muscle, my chest just opened straight to the chest muscle. There was just no connective tissue to work with.
On top of that my blood vessel walls were so weak that every time he tried to move tissue out of the way to see if he could put the implant in, the blood vessels would rupture.
I was told the bleeding was very hard to control. The doctor faced a decision he had never had to face in his 20 years of practicing plastic surgery.
He cancelled the surgery.
He told me later how shocked he was at the situation he was faced with. But knew deep down inside my body could never handle those implants. He followed his gut.
He name is Dr, Rose. I would recommend him to anyone. He puts the patient first.
Meanwhile, I was in pure shock. "How could this happen? Is this some kind of crazy joke? I'm so confused."
In fact everyone in that clinic was shocked. My surgery was a first for all of them. And apparently my body was one big medical mystery to them. They had no idea how I was still able to function with how delicate my body is internally.
One Nurse came over to my bedside as I was still trying to process all of this new information and said, "I'm so sorry about all of this. This must be just aweful for you."
I smiled and nodded and thanked her for her concern.
She then stated, "Well, I'm guessing you don't have any children then, do you?"
"Actually yes, I have four children. Why?"
"Oh my gosh!" You should be dead by now!!! With the connective tissue disorder that you have you should've bled out with the first child you had. WOW! Someone's watching out for you, girl!"
Now I know she meant this in the kindest way possible, but, she scared the crap out of me.
This was too much to process all at once. I needed to sleep. Boobs or no boobs, a good check out of life for a few hours would do me some good.
And that is how Surgery #1 went. But the challenges I had to face were far from over....
Emotional Scarring
I felt so ugly.
I had not only had surgery and felt crappy, but, I had just had a Failed boob job.
My failed boob job means=I get to heal just like someone who had an actual boob job and I have all the scars of an actual boob job, BUT, I DO NOT have the implants.
Now, I am sooooooo grateful for my the way my "failed boob job" went. Because as far as failed boob jobs go, mine went pretty smoothly. It failed and I moved on. I've heard of other failed boob jobs who aren't so lucky. So I'll take what God blesses me with. It's just the emotional scarring that is hard to deal with.
I've always had a poor self image of myself. I wish I didn't. Even when I had a great body and no kids and ran 5 miles a day I still thought I could look better. Wow. If only I could rewind time:)
I thought this surgery would "fix" me.
Naked and me don't mix. I am sooooo self conscious. I HATE my husband seeing me naked. I thought this surgery would "fix" the way I feel about myself.
Instead, I just added more scars to my body. I cried for the first week straight.
Now this isn't going to be some cheesy inspirational "I found myself" story. Because I battle my self image everytime I look in the mirror. The first thought that comes to my mind is not positive. BUT.......I turn it into one.
The scars on my body are permanant. Slowly those scars on my body are getting lighter. I wake up each day and look at myself in the mirror and sadly, subconciously think those negative thoughts but always try to change then into a positive. As I have done this, I have noticed my perspective truly is changing.
I'm actually starting to believe I don't need fixing anymore.
(PART 1 Of 2) Part 2 "Operation Day" Prolapse
I have thought and thought about whether or not to post about these experiences and I have come to the conclusion, that each experience can either tear you down or wake you up and build you into a new and better person.
Each time I face a challenge, I face that choice. Let it tear me down, or let it let it build me up.
Challenge #1: Elective surgery
I've been saying since I was 16 that I would get breast augmentation. So when the money was saved up I was the first one in line to the plastic surgeons door. I set a date and was ready to go!!!
I was so excited.
Now. I think all women's bodies are beautiful so to each their own opinion. For me, I thought my self esteem could use some help and this might do the trick.
I was nervous for the surgery but figured that was normal.
I waited and waited and waited.
Finally it was surgery day!
Here's where the story starts to twist. Here is where my challenge begins.
I get prepped for surgery, say goodbye to my husband, and last thing I remember thinking is, "Next time I wake up.......I will have boobs!"
Instead.......I woke to a nightmare.
The two figures in front of me were incredibly blurry. Despite the disfigured people I saw in front of me, I could tell one was some kind of medical staff and the other, my husband.
I try with all my might to keep my eyes open, because I can hear them whispering to each other. My intuition kicked in and I could tell by the feeling in the room, something wasn't right.
"Should you tell her, or should I?" says a woman's voice.
"No. I can tell her." says kirt.
"Teeeeeeellllllll mmmmmeeeeeee wwwhhhhaaatttttt?????" I slowly slur.
They both turn. Not only surprised I am awake but that I am understanding what they have been talking about.
Kirt rushes to my side.
"Hey babe......You're awake! How are you feeling? What can I-----"
"Tell me what?!" I interrupt him.
"Oh honey. You just woke up. Maybe--"
"Tell me what?!" I ask again.
Kirt hesitates for a moment and my heart sinks a little and I don't know why, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry niki.......it didn't work......."
I look down at my chest and it is wrapped and I feel pain. I am so confused. I try to sit up and am too weak. A single tear falls down my cheek and I say....
"What do you mean it didn't work?"
So Kirt began to explain.
It turns out that I have a severe, severe, severe connective tissue disorder. We knew I had a connective tissue disorder, we just didn't know how severe. Despite this knowledge, we all felt that plastic surgery would be ok for my body. The Surgeon proceeded with the surgery and as soon as he opened me up, to his surprise, I had slim to no connective tissue to work with. (Apparrently, if you have no connective tissue, there is nothing to hold the implant in place.)
When he made the incision, instead of having to cut through flesh and connective tissue to get through or close to the chest muscle, my chest just opened straight to the chest muscle. There was just no connective tissue to work with.
On top of that my blood vessel walls were so weak that every time he tried to move tissue out of the way to see if he could put the implant in, the blood vessels would rupture.
I was told the bleeding was very hard to control. The doctor faced a decision he had never had to face in his 20 years of practicing plastic surgery.
He cancelled the surgery.
He told me later how shocked he was at the situation he was faced with. But knew deep down inside my body could never handle those implants. He followed his gut.
He name is Dr, Rose. I would recommend him to anyone. He puts the patient first.
Meanwhile, I was in pure shock. "How could this happen? Is this some kind of crazy joke? I'm so confused."
In fact everyone in that clinic was shocked. My surgery was a first for all of them. And apparently my body was one big medical mystery to them. They had no idea how I was still able to function with how delicate my body is internally.
One Nurse came over to my bedside as I was still trying to process all of this new information and said, "I'm so sorry about all of this. This must be just aweful for you."
I smiled and nodded and thanked her for her concern.
She then stated, "Well, I'm guessing you don't have any children then, do you?"
"Actually yes, I have four children. Why?"
"Oh my gosh!" You should be dead by now!!! With the connective tissue disorder that you have you should've bled out with the first child you had. WOW! Someone's watching out for you, girl!"
Now I know she meant this in the kindest way possible, but, she scared the crap out of me.
This was too much to process all at once. I needed to sleep. Boobs or no boobs, a good check out of life for a few hours would do me some good.
And that is how Surgery #1 went. But the challenges I had to face were far from over....
Emotional Scarring
I felt so ugly.
I had not only had surgery and felt crappy, but, I had just had a Failed boob job.
My failed boob job means=I get to heal just like someone who had an actual boob job and I have all the scars of an actual boob job, BUT, I DO NOT have the implants.
Now, I am sooooooo grateful for my the way my "failed boob job" went. Because as far as failed boob jobs go, mine went pretty smoothly. It failed and I moved on. I've heard of other failed boob jobs who aren't so lucky. So I'll take what God blesses me with. It's just the emotional scarring that is hard to deal with.
I've always had a poor self image of myself. I wish I didn't. Even when I had a great body and no kids and ran 5 miles a day I still thought I could look better. Wow. If only I could rewind time:)
I thought this surgery would "fix" me.
Naked and me don't mix. I am sooooo self conscious. I HATE my husband seeing me naked. I thought this surgery would "fix" the way I feel about myself.
Instead, I just added more scars to my body. I cried for the first week straight.
Now this isn't going to be some cheesy inspirational "I found myself" story. Because I battle my self image everytime I look in the mirror. The first thought that comes to my mind is not positive. BUT.......I turn it into one.
The scars on my body are permanant. Slowly those scars on my body are getting lighter. I wake up each day and look at myself in the mirror and sadly, subconciously think those negative thoughts but always try to change then into a positive. As I have done this, I have noticed my perspective truly is changing.
I'm actually starting to believe I don't need fixing anymore.
(PART 1 Of 2) Part 2 "Operation Day" Prolapse
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Silence in Peace
I see shadows dancing across my face as the moon glistens upon the soft diamond snow. I am amazed at the deafening silence the wintery woods hold in their seemingly innocent stillness.
I am alone.
Exhale.
My breath, a cloud white mist, seems to be the trumpet of this quiet mountain.
The moon is my flashlight and reflects off of each crystal of snow that exists to be seen. The woods seem to be lit as far as the eye can see.
Midnight appears to be midday.
I smile.
Overwhelming silence brings to pass a deep warmth inside my heart.
I have found my silence in peace.
My peace in paradise.
My paradise within.
As my gaze circle's; each aspen appears to be perfectly spaced as if this forest had been planted by man and not naturally bloomed at random by god's great hand.
Inhale.
The crisp air fills my lungs entirely and I am alive. Filled with renewed energy and new sense of self.
My mind is clear as my eyes travel up to the moonlit sky.
Each star is like a bright diamond that competes for your attention. Flashing at different moments as if screaming for you to look at only one, while wanting to look at them all as a whole.
Breathtaking.
I take a step towards the only place I can.
Forward.
No longer am I facing the past, but the here and now.
The present.
I am here in this space. Surrounded by such beauty. My heart is open......soft.
I have been reset.
I am ready.
Ready to face the world.
Ready to face my challenges.
Challenges come.
I'm ready for the fight.
Because I know I will win.
Because I took a moment,
Reset,
and found my silence in peace.
I am alone.
Exhale.
My breath, a cloud white mist, seems to be the trumpet of this quiet mountain.
The moon is my flashlight and reflects off of each crystal of snow that exists to be seen. The woods seem to be lit as far as the eye can see.
Midnight appears to be midday.
I smile.
Overwhelming silence brings to pass a deep warmth inside my heart.
I have found my silence in peace.
My peace in paradise.
My paradise within.
As my gaze circle's; each aspen appears to be perfectly spaced as if this forest had been planted by man and not naturally bloomed at random by god's great hand.
Inhale.
The crisp air fills my lungs entirely and I am alive. Filled with renewed energy and new sense of self.
My mind is clear as my eyes travel up to the moonlit sky.
Each star is like a bright diamond that competes for your attention. Flashing at different moments as if screaming for you to look at only one, while wanting to look at them all as a whole.
Breathtaking.
I take a step towards the only place I can.
Forward.
No longer am I facing the past, but the here and now.
The present.
I am here in this space. Surrounded by such beauty. My heart is open......soft.
I have been reset.
I am ready.
Ready to face the world.
Ready to face my challenges.
Challenges come.
I'm ready for the fight.
Because I know I will win.
Because I took a moment,
Reset,
and found my silence in peace.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Malaysia Flight 370
First of all I hate the title of my post.
It really should be the names of all the people on Malaysia Flight 370. Not a plane and its' number. Each one of them deserves to be recognized, noticed, loved, and searched for till the end of time.
I wish I could tell you I know how you feel. But I don't. My brother went missing 6 years ago without a trace, and his absence consumed my every moment of living.
Every missing person case is different. Sadly, yours is one for the history books.
I haven't written anything about this because I, like I'm sure the entire world, have been in complete and total shock. How does a plane just disappear?
When the news of Jesse's (my brother), disappearance hit, I was so upset. So scared. So worried. A million different scenarios played out in my head and I nearly lost it right then and there.
"My brother is missing? WHAT?! YOU ARE LYING. This only happens in the movies, this is not real life. Wake up niki.......wake up!!!!"
I still have not waken from that nightmare.
I pray with every part of my heart you wake up from yours and news will come as soon as possible about your loved one.
Surround yourself with only the best of friends. Those who lift you up and keep your spirits high. No one should ever tell you how you should be feeling or how long you should be feeling a certain way.
Because all in one day you can go from waking up and feeling like today is the day they will find them. Then the next hour you find yourself bargaining with god to do something.......ANYTHING, to get them back to you.
I remember the worst part about Jesse going missing was the anger. I was SO ANGRY! No one did enough. No one had any answers. I literally wanted to kill someone. (figuratively) "HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING???" Nothing was good enough. Nothing was fast enough. Nothing could calm me. I was a wreck! I fluctuated in between anger and bargaining a lot!
Then a few hours or a day might pass and I've found myself in denial about the entire thing. I have at one time convinced myself that Jesse is on an extended vacation and has just forgot to call for awhile. It helped me deal with the day, or so I thought.
I've even crept over to accepting that this just might be my situation and I may never know where my baby brother went missing to. But that road to acceptance is so incredibly hard to travel down. I am six years out and I still think I could still get answers. And it is ok to think that. Good friends don't crush hope, they support it.
Find good people to confide in. Get a good support system. They are your life line and you need them........YOU NEED THEM.
Before I talk about this next part, please know I am just as hopeful as anyone that your loved one is alive and well and soon this night mare soon will be over. I pray everyday that this is all some crazy misunderstanding and they are safe somewhere and everything is fine. I have so much love and hope for you all and I wish only the best for your families!
You might or might not have found by now that your head kind of spins in a little circle.
This constant cycle is what I call "The Circle of Grief" instead of the "Cycle of Grief". There just seems to be no end to your mourning because there is no closure. Instead of just going through the grieving process like normal people, we keep doing circles because we have no closure. Without closure, it is very difficult to move on. But not impossible.
This grief I am talking about has an actual dictionary name as well........it is called Ambiguous Loss: or Frozen Grief. I've written 2 entire posts about it if you want to know more about it. I also have some references to some books that were quite helpful to me as well. The post is called Ambiguous Loss: Frozen Grief.
My heart goes out to all of you that has lost a loved one. I loved and still love my brother very much. The people who are currently looking for their loved ones from Malaysia Flight 370, You are incredible. I am sick to my stomach that this could even happen in the world today. It shouldn't be possible. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.
My blog gets 100 to 150 hits a day. If anyone wants their loved ones story told, please let me know and I would love to post it, and help get your story out there.
Love to all of you out there who are struggling or in need of comfort this night. I wish you all my love and truly hope tomorrow brings sunshine and warmth to your day.
It really should be the names of all the people on Malaysia Flight 370. Not a plane and its' number. Each one of them deserves to be recognized, noticed, loved, and searched for till the end of time.
I wish I could tell you I know how you feel. But I don't. My brother went missing 6 years ago without a trace, and his absence consumed my every moment of living.
Every missing person case is different. Sadly, yours is one for the history books.
I haven't written anything about this because I, like I'm sure the entire world, have been in complete and total shock. How does a plane just disappear?
When the news of Jesse's (my brother), disappearance hit, I was so upset. So scared. So worried. A million different scenarios played out in my head and I nearly lost it right then and there.
"My brother is missing? WHAT?! YOU ARE LYING. This only happens in the movies, this is not real life. Wake up niki.......wake up!!!!"
I still have not waken from that nightmare.
I pray with every part of my heart you wake up from yours and news will come as soon as possible about your loved one.
Surround yourself with only the best of friends. Those who lift you up and keep your spirits high. No one should ever tell you how you should be feeling or how long you should be feeling a certain way.
Because all in one day you can go from waking up and feeling like today is the day they will find them. Then the next hour you find yourself bargaining with god to do something.......ANYTHING, to get them back to you.
I remember the worst part about Jesse going missing was the anger. I was SO ANGRY! No one did enough. No one had any answers. I literally wanted to kill someone. (figuratively) "HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING???" Nothing was good enough. Nothing was fast enough. Nothing could calm me. I was a wreck! I fluctuated in between anger and bargaining a lot!
Then a few hours or a day might pass and I've found myself in denial about the entire thing. I have at one time convinced myself that Jesse is on an extended vacation and has just forgot to call for awhile. It helped me deal with the day, or so I thought.
I've even crept over to accepting that this just might be my situation and I may never know where my baby brother went missing to. But that road to acceptance is so incredibly hard to travel down. I am six years out and I still think I could still get answers. And it is ok to think that. Good friends don't crush hope, they support it.
Find good people to confide in. Get a good support system. They are your life line and you need them........YOU NEED THEM.
Before I talk about this next part, please know I am just as hopeful as anyone that your loved one is alive and well and soon this night mare soon will be over. I pray everyday that this is all some crazy misunderstanding and they are safe somewhere and everything is fine. I have so much love and hope for you all and I wish only the best for your families!
You might or might not have found by now that your head kind of spins in a little circle.
This constant cycle is what I call "The Circle of Grief" instead of the "Cycle of Grief". There just seems to be no end to your mourning because there is no closure. Instead of just going through the grieving process like normal people, we keep doing circles because we have no closure. Without closure, it is very difficult to move on. But not impossible.
This grief I am talking about has an actual dictionary name as well........it is called Ambiguous Loss: or Frozen Grief. I've written 2 entire posts about it if you want to know more about it. I also have some references to some books that were quite helpful to me as well. The post is called Ambiguous Loss: Frozen Grief.
My heart goes out to all of you that has lost a loved one. I loved and still love my brother very much. The people who are currently looking for their loved ones from Malaysia Flight 370, You are incredible. I am sick to my stomach that this could even happen in the world today. It shouldn't be possible. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.
My blog gets 100 to 150 hits a day. If anyone wants their loved ones story told, please let me know and I would love to post it, and help get your story out there.
Love to all of you out there who are struggling or in need of comfort this night. I wish you all my love and truly hope tomorrow brings sunshine and warmth to your day.
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