Top Ten Good Mood Foods
• mung beans
• lobster
• turkey
• asparagus
• sunflower seeds
• cottage cheese
• pineapple
• tofu
• spinach
• bananas
Other Mood Foods
• chicken
• salmon
• sardines
• tuna
• nuts
• oats
This is a list of foods high in tryptophan. I saw this "good mood food" thing on the web the other day when trying to research what to eat to help keep me healthy. I thought, "Why not boost my mood and diet at the same time?! I could call it, HAPPY DIETING!" Ok maybe that doesn't exist. But here's what I found out.
The body cannot produce tryptophan, an amino acid which is converted
by the body into serotonin, so unless we get enough through our diets,
we may suffer a deficiency, leading to low serotonin levels.
Low serotonin levels are associated with mood disorders, anxiety, cravings and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). FUN!!! (I do have some medical background so what I researched is in fact true. I'm not saying I'm super smart by any means...I'm just saying it makes sense.)
Did you hear that ladies??? It can lead to CRAVINGS!!! So I researched this even more and it turns out if you have this triptophan thing balanced, your cravings can all but disappear..."WHAT?!! NO WAY! You mean I could beat my cravings for chocolate once and for all???"
OK. So I tried these foods for a week. Alright, I confess, not all of them. Who eats sardines??? GROSS! But I tried these foods to see how my mood and cravings felt after a week. I felt awesome! I was so excited about my little experiment I just had to share. How awesome is this! I try all sorts of things. I'm like a walking experiment. But this was just fun! LOVE IT!
I noticed a huge difference just after the first 24 hours. It was absolutely crazy! Plus, I lost weight. It's a win, win:)
The first day I had oatmeal for breakfast. I didn't cheat myself out of the good stuff. I had a little butter and sugar. I called this my mood diet. So cheating was always an option. I think that is why it worked so well. I told myself I had to eat every 2-3 hours so for a snack I had some canned pineapple. At lunch a spinach salad with grilled chicken and sunflower seeds with ranch dressing. Then a banana at snack time and for dinner I grilled up a Salmon with asparagus on the side.
OK. So I used to not be a fish person at all until I met my husband. I'm telling you, if you want to improve your mood.....EAT FISH!!!! I'm no doctor but it works. The salmon made all the difference. I always feel better when I eat fish. I don't know why, but it works. I drank a ton of water and for the first time....I can resist chocolate. I am not kidding you. In just a week. (Really, I was feeling great after the first 24 hours.) My mood is better and my skin is clearer. I love this "good mood" thing. It works. Try it!
I promise you will be surprised how much better you feel. Remember, the key is eating that fish!!!
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Storm in my Head...
I feel there is a storm in my head. It is constantly spinning. Some days it feels out of control. I feel some days it is foggy and never fully remains clear. Others it is bright and full of sunshine. It is a tired head.
This storm in my head is something I have fought most of my adult life. I have good days and I have bad days. I wish I understood how the weather worked. It is so unpredictable.
The soft breeze touches my face as the wind whistles past my my ears. I am free in this space of mine.
Etched in the sand is the marks of my footprints. I am alone as the mist sprays softly across my face. The storm in my head raves on, as I sit and ponder the wonders this world. My head is still spinning.
Here is never there. There is never here. Too many places at too many times. Stop. STOP. STOP!
Breathe.
Here. In this place. Alone. Me. I.
I am one.
Peace. Calm. Be.
I am me.
This storm in my head is something I have fought most of my adult life. I have good days and I have bad days. I wish I understood how the weather worked. It is so unpredictable.
The soft breeze touches my face as the wind whistles past my my ears. I am free in this space of mine.
Etched in the sand is the marks of my footprints. I am alone as the mist sprays softly across my face. The storm in my head raves on, as I sit and ponder the wonders this world. My head is still spinning.
Here is never there. There is never here. Too many places at too many times. Stop. STOP. STOP!
Breathe.
Here. In this place. Alone. Me. I.
I am one.
Peace. Calm. Be.
I am me.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Who was Jesse...
First and foremost Jesse Glen Pinegar was my little brother. Although Jesse was 22 when he went missing, that is not even a sliver of the person Jesse was....
Jesse was a truly amazing person. I did a post that was about memories we as a family had of Jesse, but, I never got to gush to you about how fabulous he was...
Jesse was and is one of the most beautiful people that I have ever met. Truly. Inside and out. If you were lucky, you got to be apart of his short time on this earth. I had the greatest and most freaking awesome blessing of being his sister. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel towards God for sending him to our family. He is a piece to our family that completes a great circle of happiness.
Jesse was hilarious. His sarcasm and wit could out smart even the most educated of people. Always the one with the last word, his quick jokes always caught you off guard but kept you laughing for hours. What was truly unique about his humor was the love that always came behind them. His lips would say one thing but his eyes would always give away his true love for you. Jesse cared for everyone he met.
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Jesse was gorgeous. He had brown hair and these chocolate brown puppy eyes that melted every girls heart. When he smiled, his eyes lit up. When he looked at you, he really looked at you. He really loved you. If you were talking with Jesse, you felt like you were the only one that mattered in his entire life. His eyes seemed to look into the deepest part of you and touch you in a way that very few can. His eyes said everything about him. They twinkled when he was kidding and deepened when he cared. I miss his eyes so much. Jesse's eyes are most everyone's favorite feature.
His heart never stopped loving. His faith in people never stopped trusting. The love he carried in his heart radiated all around him. When he entered a room, excitement would always sweep over. "Jesse is here!"
He was irresistible. You had to be near him. When in his company, all your cares cease to exist. With him, you are free. He is a breath of the freshest air. Talking with him is relaxing yet tummy achingly fun and funny. He would talk to you for hours about nothing and you would find yourself lying on the floor laughing your guts out because he has said some of the most random and outrageous things you have ever heard in your entire life. Jesse was too funny! He was everyone's favorite. How could he not be?!
He may seem tough but he cares so incredibly deeply for his family. He had a sensitive side to him that was so loving and kind. Jenna, Megan, and I were the luckiest sisters in the world to have had a brother like him. He worried about who we were dating. He was always there to give us advice.
I remember when Jesse was in Hawaii and he called me. I was having a really hard day. I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with Landon at the time and I had not felt him move for about 2 days. I was really scared and was crying to Jesse about how worried I was about the baby. I knew Jesse was not involved in church anymore. I also knew he struggled with his belief in God. So his next comment touched my heart. "Niki, let me call you back. I'm going to pray to God for you and the baby. I don't know what good it will do but I want to help." I was lost for words. I began to cry even more. "You would do that for me?" I said. Jesse was quiet for a long time. "Of course Niki......You are my sister......I would do anything for you."
I waited for the phone call all night. I was so interested to hear what his experience might have been like. He had told me it had been over 3 years since he had last prayed. He expressed that it was very difficult for him to pray. It had been so difficult for him in fact, that three years ago was when he had promised himself he wouldn't ever pray again. He expressed how much he loved me and that for me and my kids he would do just about anything. But--It was getting late. I figured Jesse would just say a quick prayer and call me back. It had now been 3 hours since I had talked to him. I began to think maybe Jesse was not going to call me back.
Finally the phone rang. It was Jesse...
Jesse's voice was very quiet but very confident. "Hi Niki. I just want you to know that your baby is going to be fine." I was silent. He wasn't finished talking. "Niki, you are going to be just fine. Everything is going to be OK." I was so surprised at how confident he was. "Jesse. What happened?" Jesse slowly responded, "I don't know Niki. All I know is that you and the baby are going to be just fine. You are going to have this baby and nothing bad is going to happen." I cried. I believed him 100%. I never worried again.
We talked a little more. Jesse told me the reason it took him so long to call me back was because he had knelt down to pray and could not start the prayer. So he stayed kneeling for over an hour and a half until he was able to start his prayer. Even then, he said, the prayer took a long time. I think of my sweet brother and him kneeling down in humble prayer just for me and my unborn child. "Niki....you are my sister....I would do anything for you."
Landon is the baby I was carrying while Jesse was in Hawaii. Landon is my only baby that did not have jaundice and have to go under the lights. He was my healthiest and happiest baby. Jesse was right.
That is who Jesse was. He would do anything for you. He would make himself uncomfortable to make you comfortable. He was selfless. He was good. He was Jesse. I mean WOW.
He was crazy! He could get Caleb and Adam to do the stupidest things!!! No matter how dumb something might sound on paper, Jesse could talk it up, tell it to Caleb and Adam, and get them to go along with it. It was crazy the things he could talk people in to. He was that magnetic of a person. You wanted to be around him. You wanted to be like him. You wanted to be him. Where Jesse was, you would follow. You knew you would always have a great time. It would always be exciting and life never got any better than when you were hangin' with the Jess master.
The outdoors is where he is most comfortable. His survival skills are fantastic. He can go camping for weeks and love every second of it. That also meant he could go a little while with out showering......Jesse never minded a little dirt. It was not uncommon to see him and smell the yummy smell of camp fire on his sweatshirt. Jesse smelled just the way he was. WILD AND FREE.
One fantastic thing about Jesse is that he loves his mother. His love for her is soft and tender. Protective even. He cares for her so deeply. You can see it in those chocolate brown eyes when he looks at her. He is over a foot taller than her and I can see him giving mom a gigantic bear hug. He is gentle. He cares so much and thinks the world of her. He is a mama's boy through and through. Ham and cheese casserole is his favorite. (He gets excited like a little kid when she makes it.) He loves her cinnamon rolls too. To him, no one is a better cook than she. Jesse loves you mom. Jesse will always love you.
He is absolutely amazing but never realizing it. He is humble. I don't believe he ever knew how truly awesome he really was. That was his charm. So charismatic with a shimmer of shy. There is just no one like Jesse. He is one of a kind. Irreplaceable. I love that boy!
I miss my chocolate brown eyed brother. But I know he is in a happier, safer, and in a more loving place. I know he is where he is needed. I know he lives on in each of our hearts.
My son Beckham, who is 3, said just 2 weeks ago in his own 3 year old broken english, "Jesse in here." and he pointed to his heart. I believe that with all my heart. Jesse is inside all of us. Just like everyone is who lives in our lives and passes on. We are all so lucky to have that piece of them remain with us.
Just their memory is a beautiful thing. Because it can be passed on forever...
Jesse was a truly amazing person. I did a post that was about memories we as a family had of Jesse, but, I never got to gush to you about how fabulous he was...
Jesse was and is one of the most beautiful people that I have ever met. Truly. Inside and out. If you were lucky, you got to be apart of his short time on this earth. I had the greatest and most freaking awesome blessing of being his sister. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel towards God for sending him to our family. He is a piece to our family that completes a great circle of happiness.
Jesse was hilarious. His sarcasm and wit could out smart even the most educated of people. Always the one with the last word, his quick jokes always caught you off guard but kept you laughing for hours. What was truly unique about his humor was the love that always came behind them. His lips would say one thing but his eyes would always give away his true love for you. Jesse cared for everyone he met.
Jesse was gorgeous. He had brown hair and these chocolate brown puppy eyes that melted every girls heart. When he smiled, his eyes lit up. When he looked at you, he really looked at you. He really loved you. If you were talking with Jesse, you felt like you were the only one that mattered in his entire life. His eyes seemed to look into the deepest part of you and touch you in a way that very few can. His eyes said everything about him. They twinkled when he was kidding and deepened when he cared. I miss his eyes so much. Jesse's eyes are most everyone's favorite feature.
His heart never stopped loving. His faith in people never stopped trusting. The love he carried in his heart radiated all around him. When he entered a room, excitement would always sweep over. "Jesse is here!"
He was irresistible. You had to be near him. When in his company, all your cares cease to exist. With him, you are free. He is a breath of the freshest air. Talking with him is relaxing yet tummy achingly fun and funny. He would talk to you for hours about nothing and you would find yourself lying on the floor laughing your guts out because he has said some of the most random and outrageous things you have ever heard in your entire life. Jesse was too funny! He was everyone's favorite. How could he not be?!
He may seem tough but he cares so incredibly deeply for his family. He had a sensitive side to him that was so loving and kind. Jenna, Megan, and I were the luckiest sisters in the world to have had a brother like him. He worried about who we were dating. He was always there to give us advice.
I remember when Jesse was in Hawaii and he called me. I was having a really hard day. I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with Landon at the time and I had not felt him move for about 2 days. I was really scared and was crying to Jesse about how worried I was about the baby. I knew Jesse was not involved in church anymore. I also knew he struggled with his belief in God. So his next comment touched my heart. "Niki, let me call you back. I'm going to pray to God for you and the baby. I don't know what good it will do but I want to help." I was lost for words. I began to cry even more. "You would do that for me?" I said. Jesse was quiet for a long time. "Of course Niki......You are my sister......I would do anything for you."
I waited for the phone call all night. I was so interested to hear what his experience might have been like. He had told me it had been over 3 years since he had last prayed. He expressed that it was very difficult for him to pray. It had been so difficult for him in fact, that three years ago was when he had promised himself he wouldn't ever pray again. He expressed how much he loved me and that for me and my kids he would do just about anything. But--It was getting late. I figured Jesse would just say a quick prayer and call me back. It had now been 3 hours since I had talked to him. I began to think maybe Jesse was not going to call me back.
Finally the phone rang. It was Jesse...
Jesse's voice was very quiet but very confident. "Hi Niki. I just want you to know that your baby is going to be fine." I was silent. He wasn't finished talking. "Niki, you are going to be just fine. Everything is going to be OK." I was so surprised at how confident he was. "Jesse. What happened?" Jesse slowly responded, "I don't know Niki. All I know is that you and the baby are going to be just fine. You are going to have this baby and nothing bad is going to happen." I cried. I believed him 100%. I never worried again.
We talked a little more. Jesse told me the reason it took him so long to call me back was because he had knelt down to pray and could not start the prayer. So he stayed kneeling for over an hour and a half until he was able to start his prayer. Even then, he said, the prayer took a long time. I think of my sweet brother and him kneeling down in humble prayer just for me and my unborn child. "Niki....you are my sister....I would do anything for you."
Landon is the baby I was carrying while Jesse was in Hawaii. Landon is my only baby that did not have jaundice and have to go under the lights. He was my healthiest and happiest baby. Jesse was right.
That is who Jesse was. He would do anything for you. He would make himself uncomfortable to make you comfortable. He was selfless. He was good. He was Jesse. I mean WOW.
He was crazy! He could get Caleb and Adam to do the stupidest things!!! No matter how dumb something might sound on paper, Jesse could talk it up, tell it to Caleb and Adam, and get them to go along with it. It was crazy the things he could talk people in to. He was that magnetic of a person. You wanted to be around him. You wanted to be like him. You wanted to be him. Where Jesse was, you would follow. You knew you would always have a great time. It would always be exciting and life never got any better than when you were hangin' with the Jess master.
The outdoors is where he is most comfortable. His survival skills are fantastic. He can go camping for weeks and love every second of it. That also meant he could go a little while with out showering......Jesse never minded a little dirt. It was not uncommon to see him and smell the yummy smell of camp fire on his sweatshirt. Jesse smelled just the way he was. WILD AND FREE.
One fantastic thing about Jesse is that he loves his mother. His love for her is soft and tender. Protective even. He cares for her so deeply. You can see it in those chocolate brown eyes when he looks at her. He is over a foot taller than her and I can see him giving mom a gigantic bear hug. He is gentle. He cares so much and thinks the world of her. He is a mama's boy through and through. Ham and cheese casserole is his favorite. (He gets excited like a little kid when she makes it.) He loves her cinnamon rolls too. To him, no one is a better cook than she. Jesse loves you mom. Jesse will always love you.
He is absolutely amazing but never realizing it. He is humble. I don't believe he ever knew how truly awesome he really was. That was his charm. So charismatic with a shimmer of shy. There is just no one like Jesse. He is one of a kind. Irreplaceable. I love that boy!
I miss my chocolate brown eyed brother. But I know he is in a happier, safer, and in a more loving place. I know he is where he is needed. I know he lives on in each of our hearts.
My son Beckham, who is 3, said just 2 weeks ago in his own 3 year old broken english, "Jesse in here." and he pointed to his heart. I believe that with all my heart. Jesse is inside all of us. Just like everyone is who lives in our lives and passes on. We are all so lucky to have that piece of them remain with us.
Just their memory is a beautiful thing. Because it can be passed on forever...
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Temper, Temper...
Some days all I do is yell. Seriously. I wake up and the first words out of my mouth is, "STOP THAT!!!" Beckham has just slapped me because it is literally the 17th time he has tried to wake me up and failed. He is starving and thirsty. He has been begging me for his chocolate milk for over a half of an hour. He giggles his sweet, adorable giggle that melts my heart. He thinks the slapping sound is so funny. So he does it again. "Why child? Why?" I quickly sit up. I am furious. "BECKHAM!!! I SAID STOP THAT!" He giggles again.
How do you stay mad at that? I slowly got up. "It's going to be one of "those" days..." I get him his chocolate milk and like clock work, Chase and Landon come plowing through. Chase hits Landon in the nose. A little blood comes dripping down his chin. Landon is screaming. I try to rush to him but Landon hasn't gotten his revenge. Landon grabs Chase in a head lock and they are down on the floor tumbling in circles. "What is going on?!" I thought. "Who raised these kids?" Chase is now begging for mercy as Landon has him in his death grip. I am still making my way over to them. "CHASE! LANDON! STOP THAT!!!" No response from either of them. They continue their feud as if I did not exist. It is like I said nothing. "I SAID NOW! I MEAN IT! YOU STOP IT THIS INSTANT!!!" I am now pulling them apart.
Finally they are separated.They continue their fighting but now it is just words. "CHASE STARTED IT!" Landon yells. "NO, LANDON STARTED IT!" Chase says. Their arms are flying, swinging, and punching. I am now in between the cross fire of all the hitting. I now join in on the yelling fest. "I DON'T CARE WHO STARTED IT! I'M ENDING IT!" I grab each one's arm and take them to separate corners of the room."TIME OUT! YOU ARE BOTH OUT OF CONTROL!" Landon has now wiped the little bloody nose he had gotten all over his white night shirt. "AH! DUDE! WHY?!" I go to the other room to grab a rag to clean his face.
They are like magnets. As soon as I leave the room all %$@%#* breaks loose. This time they are laughing and playing. The fight is over. Now they want to wrestle. They are a moving ball of disaster. Rolling forward, backward, up and down. Destroying everything in their path. I have left the room for literally 60 seconds. I hear a crash and then a shatter.
Silence. No movement. Then a whisper, "RUN!" Landon and Chase run as fast as they can upstairs. I come racing around the corner just in time to see their little feet disappear up the stairs. "CHASE! LANDON! COME BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!!!"
I am not liking the fact that I am sounding so much like my mother, it is scary. BUT---I can't help it. I find myself saying the exact same things my mother said to me when I was a child. I am finding everything she said to me makes sense. I swore I would never say the phrase, "because I said so." I always hated that phrase as a child. I thought it made no logical sense whatsoever. It never answered my questions. I swore I would always answer every single solitary question each one of my children had. HA! "Why is the sky blue?" , "Because I said so.", "Why is the earth round?" , "Because I said so.", "Why do I have to do my chores?", "BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!"
IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!!! I'm tired. Everything should be because I said so. I birthed you child!!! No question about it. I am Mom. PLEASE! Just do what I ask! Please....!
Chase and Landon returned to the family room. I was greeted with two pairs of the most beautiful blue eyes you will ever gaze upon. They were looking at me. Big and wide-eyed. Guilty. They felt guilty. My anger level is through the roof and my patience is gone. But their eyes tame my anger and the guilt I see returns some of my patience. Before I can speak Chase and Landon say, "We love you Mommy."
I am lost for words. I will never understand little boys. BUT---they are truly a wild ride that you hold on for dear life. Little girls color and read. They can have quiet time. I know they have emotions...but I understand them:) There is no quiet time at our house. There is full speed and off. If they are up, they are wrestling. (sometimes fighting) Heads hit walls, feet have gone through them, and they have all broken their arms already. (Our oldest is 6 and youngest is 3, all 3 have taken a trip to the E.R.) Our TV just got in a sword fight with Chase and Landon and lost. There is now a hole and large shatter marks throughout the entire TV. ("the power rangers needed help mom!") Yes, the TV miraculously still works and I am married to an accountant....."If it ain't broke, don't fix it"
Some days I feel all I do is yell. Some days I feel all I say is, "STOP THAT!", or "DON'T DO THAT!", "STOP TOUCHING HIM!", "NO! NO!", "COME HERE!", "DO THIS!" and "DO THAT!" I swear some days I could loose my voice trying to shout over all of the noise in my house. I hate those days. But then those little stinkers tell me they love me....and dang it! I love them too!
It can be discouraging when in one day, all you feel you've done is yell. When all you feel is that the day has gotten away from you and you've made no progress whatsoever. I swear I feel that more days than I care to admit. But I wouldn't trade a minute of my "unprogressiveness" with anyone. My boys just said they loved me. That made my entire morning better. It turned my entire day around. Sure, I will never understand how one minute they can totally beat each other up and the next be best friends, but, they are so worth this crazy ride we are on.
So I yell. I hate that I yell. I wish I was little miss perfect with her soft little voice and her cute little apron that had it all together and never raised her voice when her kids were putting holes in the TV. I really do. But I'm not. So I'm a work in progress. I'm Ok with that.
So I start over the next day or the next hour. Chase and Landon said they loved me. It fixed the entire morning. Their little eyes reset my entire attitude. What beauty I get to witness is their sweet example of innocent love and admiration of their parents. They truly are such a ball of pure fun to have in my life! This is why it is great to be a parent. They are so worth it!
How do you stay mad at that? I slowly got up. "It's going to be one of "those" days..." I get him his chocolate milk and like clock work, Chase and Landon come plowing through. Chase hits Landon in the nose. A little blood comes dripping down his chin. Landon is screaming. I try to rush to him but Landon hasn't gotten his revenge. Landon grabs Chase in a head lock and they are down on the floor tumbling in circles. "What is going on?!" I thought. "Who raised these kids?" Chase is now begging for mercy as Landon has him in his death grip. I am still making my way over to them. "CHASE! LANDON! STOP THAT!!!" No response from either of them. They continue their feud as if I did not exist. It is like I said nothing. "I SAID NOW! I MEAN IT! YOU STOP IT THIS INSTANT!!!" I am now pulling them apart.
Finally they are separated.They continue their fighting but now it is just words. "CHASE STARTED IT!" Landon yells. "NO, LANDON STARTED IT!" Chase says. Their arms are flying, swinging, and punching. I am now in between the cross fire of all the hitting. I now join in on the yelling fest. "I DON'T CARE WHO STARTED IT! I'M ENDING IT!" I grab each one's arm and take them to separate corners of the room."TIME OUT! YOU ARE BOTH OUT OF CONTROL!" Landon has now wiped the little bloody nose he had gotten all over his white night shirt. "AH! DUDE! WHY?!" I go to the other room to grab a rag to clean his face.
They are like magnets. As soon as I leave the room all %$@%#* breaks loose. This time they are laughing and playing. The fight is over. Now they want to wrestle. They are a moving ball of disaster. Rolling forward, backward, up and down. Destroying everything in their path. I have left the room for literally 60 seconds. I hear a crash and then a shatter.
Silence. No movement. Then a whisper, "RUN!" Landon and Chase run as fast as they can upstairs. I come racing around the corner just in time to see their little feet disappear up the stairs. "CHASE! LANDON! COME BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!!!"
I am not liking the fact that I am sounding so much like my mother, it is scary. BUT---I can't help it. I find myself saying the exact same things my mother said to me when I was a child. I am finding everything she said to me makes sense. I swore I would never say the phrase, "because I said so." I always hated that phrase as a child. I thought it made no logical sense whatsoever. It never answered my questions. I swore I would always answer every single solitary question each one of my children had. HA! "Why is the sky blue?" , "Because I said so.", "Why is the earth round?" , "Because I said so.", "Why do I have to do my chores?", "BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!"
IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!!! I'm tired. Everything should be because I said so. I birthed you child!!! No question about it. I am Mom. PLEASE! Just do what I ask! Please....!
Chase and Landon returned to the family room. I was greeted with two pairs of the most beautiful blue eyes you will ever gaze upon. They were looking at me. Big and wide-eyed. Guilty. They felt guilty. My anger level is through the roof and my patience is gone. But their eyes tame my anger and the guilt I see returns some of my patience. Before I can speak Chase and Landon say, "We love you Mommy."
I am lost for words. I will never understand little boys. BUT---they are truly a wild ride that you hold on for dear life. Little girls color and read. They can have quiet time. I know they have emotions...but I understand them:) There is no quiet time at our house. There is full speed and off. If they are up, they are wrestling. (sometimes fighting) Heads hit walls, feet have gone through them, and they have all broken their arms already. (Our oldest is 6 and youngest is 3, all 3 have taken a trip to the E.R.) Our TV just got in a sword fight with Chase and Landon and lost. There is now a hole and large shatter marks throughout the entire TV. ("the power rangers needed help mom!") Yes, the TV miraculously still works and I am married to an accountant....."If it ain't broke, don't fix it"
Some days I feel all I do is yell. Some days I feel all I say is, "STOP THAT!", or "DON'T DO THAT!", "STOP TOUCHING HIM!", "NO! NO!", "COME HERE!", "DO THIS!" and "DO THAT!" I swear some days I could loose my voice trying to shout over all of the noise in my house. I hate those days. But then those little stinkers tell me they love me....and dang it! I love them too!
It can be discouraging when in one day, all you feel you've done is yell. When all you feel is that the day has gotten away from you and you've made no progress whatsoever. I swear I feel that more days than I care to admit. But I wouldn't trade a minute of my "unprogressiveness" with anyone. My boys just said they loved me. That made my entire morning better. It turned my entire day around. Sure, I will never understand how one minute they can totally beat each other up and the next be best friends, but, they are so worth this crazy ride we are on.
So I yell. I hate that I yell. I wish I was little miss perfect with her soft little voice and her cute little apron that had it all together and never raised her voice when her kids were putting holes in the TV. I really do. But I'm not. So I'm a work in progress. I'm Ok with that.
So I start over the next day or the next hour. Chase and Landon said they loved me. It fixed the entire morning. Their little eyes reset my entire attitude. What beauty I get to witness is their sweet example of innocent love and admiration of their parents. They truly are such a ball of pure fun to have in my life! This is why it is great to be a parent. They are so worth it!
Monday, April 22, 2013
Mother
I have written about about so many important people in my life. But none so wonderful as my Mother.
I feel all those close to their mothers can relate to me when I say, I think my mother is the most amazing woman in the entire world.....Most daughters who are close to their mother's think that.
Her entire life has been one, big, gigantic, selfless act. She has dedicated her life to us 7 kids. (As so many of you beautiful mothers do.) Her love for us has been an unfailing, steadfast, and pure gift in our life. To have her as a mother was and is the greatest blessing god has blessed us with. I am thankful everyday I have her in my life.
Her strength is what I strive to have. Being a single mother was never in her dreams when she was a young girl, growing up. But she carried this family into great happiness and never let us down. At times, having 2 jobs and running us to dance and soccer games. She did it all. A fighter. Never giving up. Always pushing forward. Mom is the stitch that forever holds this family together.
Mom could never hurt a fly, but her presence makes you feel safe and protected. When she is near, peace is never far away. Love, is all around, and laughter is always at your lips.
Her laugh is contagious. Her giggle hilarious. True to a mother's standard's; she will laugh at all your jokes and tell you you are the funniest person she has ever met. Although you know she is your mom, she always makes you feel better about yourself.
She is my best friend. I can tell her anything and no judgment will come my way. She knows me better than I know myself. When I need her, she is there. She is there even when I don't know I need her.
Her beauty is incomparable. Because it goes beyond her face and into her eyes. In her eyes you can see the love she holds for every person she meets. Her eyes hold a beauty only a mother can posses. Her unconditional love for you is a just a sliver to how deep her heart feels for others. She is kind, she is sincere, she is mother.
Although, she may have had to move a few times.....(Each time the home a little smaller).....it always feels absolutely perfect inside.....because she lives there. Her presence makes the home richer, brighter, and happier. I always feel like it is home no matter where she lives. She is home.
Her patience is something I strive to replicate each day with my own children. The steady kindness I felt as a child remains with me today as I raise my own. To hear mom raise her voice was rare and you were always guilty as charged. The worst feeling in the world is when you disappoint mom. But.........She never stays upset long.
Her ever forgiving heart is something you can always count on. Once you are loved by this woman, it is for life.
I love this woman. She is amazing in every kind of way the world could possibly describe a person. She has done so much for me in my life. I can not imagine not having her in mine. The love and sacrifices she has made in her life has made mine that much sweeter. I would not be where I am today if it weren't for her. Her dreams were to make mine come true.
She is what I have always wanted to be. She is what I always strive to be. She is my mother.
***If you are a daughter who is close to your mother, I think you probably all feel the same way about your mother too!!! THEY ARE THE BEST!!! I guess I better tell I think so!!!***
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Secrets, Secrets, are no fun....Secrets, Secrets, Hurt Someone...
Did you ever hear the phrase on the playground, "Secrets, Secrets, are no fun...Secrets, Secrets, hurt Someone?"
Usually it was said to you while you were whispering into one of your friends ear. All the while, another child was feeling horribly left out. She is imagining horrible things are being said about her. When really the secret may have been just that you peed your pants and you needed to get to the bathroom asap. You just whispered in your friends ear because you needed them to cover for you while you made your get away.
Still the child left out felt hurt. She is your friend too. She is confused why she was not included or trusted like the other friend was.
This is just a silly misunderstanding at a playground. We all have misunderstandings. We've dealt with them our entire lives. We've fixed them and moved on. We all have different trials, weaknesses, and struggles. We all have secrets too.
Secrets that may have hurt others. Secrets that may have hurt ourselves. Secrets that are still hurting. The truth is, Secrets....secrets....really are no fun. The feeling of being honest and authentic is truly a gift.
I'm not faulting anyone for having a secret....believe me....I'm not:) I've got plenty. Yea, I know. You'd think with how honest I am on this blog you'd know everything about me....but yes, even I have secrets. There is a huge reason I started this blog.....for my secrets.
I found the weight of my secrets too much. My baby steps toward being honest with myself and family has been a real journey. I feel closer to them than I ever have before in my entire life. Their love and support for me has been truly amazing.
Family is a beautiful and sacred gift. I am so grateful for mine. Secrets inside of them can be devastating. Just like the child at the playground, I'm sure, at times, as secrets have come out, my family has felt hurt, confused, or untrusted.
Secrets....secrets....hurt someone.
So family, if in anyway you have been hurt, or felt utterly confused, or totally untrusted in the past......Please know we love you so much. We love your smiling faces. We love your laughs, we love that we have you in our lives. Please know if any feelings were hurt in the past it was not my intention. My thoughts were just to set things in truth and love. I love you all so much. I hope all is well.
Didn't mama say, "The truth will set you free?"
Usually it was said to you while you were whispering into one of your friends ear. All the while, another child was feeling horribly left out. She is imagining horrible things are being said about her. When really the secret may have been just that you peed your pants and you needed to get to the bathroom asap. You just whispered in your friends ear because you needed them to cover for you while you made your get away.
Still the child left out felt hurt. She is your friend too. She is confused why she was not included or trusted like the other friend was.
This is just a silly misunderstanding at a playground. We all have misunderstandings. We've dealt with them our entire lives. We've fixed them and moved on. We all have different trials, weaknesses, and struggles. We all have secrets too.
Secrets that may have hurt others. Secrets that may have hurt ourselves. Secrets that are still hurting. The truth is, Secrets....secrets....really are no fun. The feeling of being honest and authentic is truly a gift.
I'm not faulting anyone for having a secret....believe me....I'm not:) I've got plenty. Yea, I know. You'd think with how honest I am on this blog you'd know everything about me....but yes, even I have secrets. There is a huge reason I started this blog.....for my secrets.
I found the weight of my secrets too much. My baby steps toward being honest with myself and family has been a real journey. I feel closer to them than I ever have before in my entire life. Their love and support for me has been truly amazing.
Family is a beautiful and sacred gift. I am so grateful for mine. Secrets inside of them can be devastating. Just like the child at the playground, I'm sure, at times, as secrets have come out, my family has felt hurt, confused, or untrusted.
Secrets....secrets....hurt someone.
So family, if in anyway you have been hurt, or felt utterly confused, or totally untrusted in the past......Please know we love you so much. We love your smiling faces. We love your laughs, we love that we have you in our lives. Please know if any feelings were hurt in the past it was not my intention. My thoughts were just to set things in truth and love. I love you all so much. I hope all is well.
Didn't mama say, "The truth will set you free?"
Thinking...
Spread love everywhere you go.
First of all in your own house.
Give love
to your children,
to your wife or husband,
to a next door neighbor.
Let
no one ever come to you
without leaving better and happier.
Be the
living expression of God's kindness.
Kindness in your face,
Kindness in
your eyes,
kindness in your smile,
kindness in your warm greeting.
(Mother Teresa)I have had someone look at me with kindness in their eyes and warmness in their smile. I could feel the love and meaning they had behind that smile. That smile kept my spirits high for a week. Just one smile.
I've always loved mother Teresa. This quote really got me thinking this week. It made me think of the word magnetic.
I have a friend who is just magnetic. Her face, her smile, her laugh, her personality, her everything, is just what you want to be around.
She is the type of person that you just can't get enough of. She is unique in the best kind of way. Her smile is sincere. She will make you feel like you are her best friend within a matter of minutes and immediately care for you.
If she is having a bad day she will make sure she does something for someone else, because that is what makes her feel better. She is completely selfless.
This quote made me think of these magnetic people we have in our lives. People who we see and our day is better. People who make me want to be a better person. People I see, and they make me smile my true smile.
I have such a beautiful family. Their smiles are true gifts in my life. I'm not just talking immediate family, extended family as well.
Sabrina, your smile is so beautiful and has brought me so much fun in my life. I always love it when I get to see you. You are an amazing mother.
Corie, your smile and giggle is contagious. I'm always excited to see you. You have helped me through a lot lately. I love you so much. You are amazing, you have no idea!
Stacy, I don't think you ever see this blog but you are the sister I never had. I love everything about you.
Justin and Heather Hanson, the cutest couple in the world! But seriously Justin, one of my favorite cousins!!! But I know you're on everyone's top 10.
Kristie, love your kindness. You are so fun to be around.Your children should be models:)
Livvy, you are absolutely amazing. Your strength has always been an example to me. You are beyond beautiful.
Emily (cousin), I just love you. You are so fun to be around and I miss seeing you.
Amanda, I love your honesty. You are so wonderful.
Grandma, your smile is my favorite. It warms me up and makes everything better.
Adam, I'm the happiest when you smile. You can't help but be happy when you are around. If you are around, all my worries cease to exist.
Cabub, I adore everything about you. You will always make life a breath of fresh air and so much funner to live in.
Seth, best smile in the world. No one can beat your smile buddy. Nobody.
Jesse, Yours is the smile I miss and cherish the most.
Jenna, Your smile shows your true beauty. You are warm, loving, and tender. That is what I love most about you. You are irreplaceable.
Megs, I am happier when I see you. Your smile has always been one of my favorite things. You are irreplaceable.
Emily, My other sister:), Your smile is a necessity in my life. You are one of my favorite people in the world.
Mamma, your smile has to always be there.....I don't know what I would do with out it. It is The best thing in the entire world. I'm so grateful god blessed me with such a wonderful mother.
Lexi, Chase, Landon, and Beckham, The smiles I live for. No words can express the warmth, love, and peace they bring to me.
My Hubby, The smile I wish never left in the morning. I love you.
These smiles have been the warmth, love, and strength in my life. I have always left their company and come out a better, happier, person.
Our kind and tender smiles can greatly effect those for good. When no word's could be found, their loving faces have been there for any support.
I saw this quote and started to think......"How often do I smile?"
(No offense to any family not included in this post. I included all those who I thought might see this post....if you are seeing this post.....I love your smile too:))
Friday, April 19, 2013
Energy...
Energy. It has left the building. Whatever used to run this body is gone. It now runs on 5 hour energy bottles and energy drinks. I am a walking zombie.
Or so it feels like most of the time. Where did it all go? I used to be able to stay up for hours and wake up and run early in the morning; feel great and get ready for the day. Now, I'm in my PJ's all day, hair greased back, and fighting back crawling back into bed.
These kids are a ball of never ending energy I am chasing after. But they are on turbo speed and my max is set at 50. I'm always two steps behind they 5 steps ahead.
If I am cleaning one room they are right behind like a twister, leaving a room of blobby mess. If the house looks the same as when my husband left in the morning, the day is considered a triumph. I'm sure I have mono. Yes. That's it. I have mono. I must. There is no other way my body could be this tired ALL THE TIME.
I fell asleep on the floor today. Face into the floor, drool everywhere, sloppy, kind of fall asleep. My dog River got worried. She'd been laying by me for the past 15 minutes.
I woke up to a ball of fur on my head and an increasing amount of pressure. River was sitting on my head. It was time to get up. I hear a soft hissing sound and the ball of fur is gone in an instant.
Then came the smell. River had farted on my head and then bolted to the next room.
I had energy...
This dog was dead. I sat up as fast as I could.
The house was in shambles. Beckham was running at me full speed. NO DIAPER. He dives at me. I catch him.
Another smell. My hand slipped across his bum. "No way!" Poop everywhere. "Really?" Beckham is giggling his cutest giggle so it is impossible to be angry with him. Instead, I run for the dog. I go to grab her to take her outside. I have forgotten the poop is still on my hand. Poop is now all over the dog.
I scream. "Poooo! POOO! It's everywhere!"
By now the kids have all gathered. They are all giggling. Beckham is still half naked.
What is it with my family and poop? I know I still have a potty training child but this is getting a little out of hand. Why did my dog fart on my head?
I have made a new goal this week and I'm going to see if it helps...
I'm going to exercise every morning for 45 minutes and see if that gives me more energy. I need to be on guard for these little buggers. Who knows what they are planning next...
Or so it feels like most of the time. Where did it all go? I used to be able to stay up for hours and wake up and run early in the morning; feel great and get ready for the day. Now, I'm in my PJ's all day, hair greased back, and fighting back crawling back into bed.
These kids are a ball of never ending energy I am chasing after. But they are on turbo speed and my max is set at 50. I'm always two steps behind they 5 steps ahead.
If I am cleaning one room they are right behind like a twister, leaving a room of blobby mess. If the house looks the same as when my husband left in the morning, the day is considered a triumph. I'm sure I have mono. Yes. That's it. I have mono. I must. There is no other way my body could be this tired ALL THE TIME.
I fell asleep on the floor today. Face into the floor, drool everywhere, sloppy, kind of fall asleep. My dog River got worried. She'd been laying by me for the past 15 minutes.
I woke up to a ball of fur on my head and an increasing amount of pressure. River was sitting on my head. It was time to get up. I hear a soft hissing sound and the ball of fur is gone in an instant.
Then came the smell. River had farted on my head and then bolted to the next room.
I had energy...
This dog was dead. I sat up as fast as I could.
The house was in shambles. Beckham was running at me full speed. NO DIAPER. He dives at me. I catch him.
Another smell. My hand slipped across his bum. "No way!" Poop everywhere. "Really?" Beckham is giggling his cutest giggle so it is impossible to be angry with him. Instead, I run for the dog. I go to grab her to take her outside. I have forgotten the poop is still on my hand. Poop is now all over the dog.
I scream. "Poooo! POOO! It's everywhere!"
By now the kids have all gathered. They are all giggling. Beckham is still half naked.
What is it with my family and poop? I know I still have a potty training child but this is getting a little out of hand. Why did my dog fart on my head?
I have made a new goal this week and I'm going to see if it helps...
I'm going to exercise every morning for 45 minutes and see if that gives me more energy. I need to be on guard for these little buggers. Who knows what they are planning next...
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Can't Hardly Weight!!!
Life
has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing
atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates
the climber to steadier steps, till the legend, over
steep ways to the stars, fulfills itself.
W. C. Doane
Earlier in the year Kirt and I decided to enter into a competition against each other. A weight loss competition. I was so sure Kirt was going to win.
When it comes to competitions against each other, Kirt and I are really competitive. I hate loosing against him.
When we were first married we had never played a board game or even a card game together. So, we decided to play speed. It is basically a matching card game at lightning fast SPEED. So you can imagine when one person gets a lot of matches in a row, without you seeing any of them, you can get really frustrated.
I had grown up playing this game with my family and grandpa. I was sure I was a pro at the entire game. Plus, I was the one teaching Kirt the game. I was sure to win. Right? Wrong. Kirt was a natural. He wasted me time after time.
At first, I pretended I was Ok with it. But soon I was irate! I threw the cards down and ran upstairs like a child. "You're a cheater!" I screamed. If you have ever played speed you know what I am talking about. That game can be the most frustrating game in the entire world. It is a game of pure honestly. You really can't tell what the other is doing until it is too late if at all.
Kirt ran after me. I screamed again, "Cheater!" I slammed the bathroom door. Kirt couldn't help but laugh out loud. "Ok....this is not happening." I sulked for 10 minutes. I felt so stupid.
Because of that one incident, (and other brief attempts), we have thrown up the white flag on games or anything that might have to do with a competition against each other. Until now.....
Battle of the bulge has been in effect for a month and a half. Kirt came home on day two and announced that he had a salad for lunch and I was furious. He could not win this one. He wins every time we try to do a "friendly" competition. One salad meant 3 lost pounds the next day. No fair Men can loose that easily.
We set up rules. All natural. Do it healthy, with real food. So.......what did I do? YUP..............You guesses it...........I cheated.
I went to a weight loss clinic. I decided to try the HCG diet. (I know what you are thinking....but, oh well, luckily I don't care what people think.) I've heard it all. It doesn't work, It does, It's a lie. You know, everything. I thought, "Well, I've been trying for over a year to get motivated, maybe this will jump start me."
So I did it...................Ladies and Gentlemen......................I have lost 22 pounds. I've been off the HCG diet for 4 weeks and my weight has remained stable and not returned to where it originally was. It actually worked!!! I loved it. I know it is not for some or even most, but I love, love, loved it!!! Granted I still have 20 more to go but I'm just glad I was able to do that. It gave me the motivation to get going and keep going.
Kirt has lost 5 pounds. Oh YEAH!!! Guess who's getting paid??? That's right!!! I am!!! Any ideas on where the money should go to??? I'm the winner of this one sucka!
W. C. Doane
Earlier in the year Kirt and I decided to enter into a competition against each other. A weight loss competition. I was so sure Kirt was going to win.
When it comes to competitions against each other, Kirt and I are really competitive. I hate loosing against him.
When we were first married we had never played a board game or even a card game together. So, we decided to play speed. It is basically a matching card game at lightning fast SPEED. So you can imagine when one person gets a lot of matches in a row, without you seeing any of them, you can get really frustrated.
I had grown up playing this game with my family and grandpa. I was sure I was a pro at the entire game. Plus, I was the one teaching Kirt the game. I was sure to win. Right? Wrong. Kirt was a natural. He wasted me time after time.
At first, I pretended I was Ok with it. But soon I was irate! I threw the cards down and ran upstairs like a child. "You're a cheater!" I screamed. If you have ever played speed you know what I am talking about. That game can be the most frustrating game in the entire world. It is a game of pure honestly. You really can't tell what the other is doing until it is too late if at all.
Kirt ran after me. I screamed again, "Cheater!" I slammed the bathroom door. Kirt couldn't help but laugh out loud. "Ok....this is not happening." I sulked for 10 minutes. I felt so stupid.
Because of that one incident, (and other brief attempts), we have thrown up the white flag on games or anything that might have to do with a competition against each other. Until now.....
Battle of the bulge has been in effect for a month and a half. Kirt came home on day two and announced that he had a salad for lunch and I was furious. He could not win this one. He wins every time we try to do a "friendly" competition. One salad meant 3 lost pounds the next day. No fair Men can loose that easily.
We set up rules. All natural. Do it healthy, with real food. So.......what did I do? YUP..............You guesses it...........I cheated.
I went to a weight loss clinic. I decided to try the HCG diet. (I know what you are thinking....but, oh well, luckily I don't care what people think.) I've heard it all. It doesn't work, It does, It's a lie. You know, everything. I thought, "Well, I've been trying for over a year to get motivated, maybe this will jump start me."
So I did it...................Ladies and Gentlemen......................I have lost 22 pounds. I've been off the HCG diet for 4 weeks and my weight has remained stable and not returned to where it originally was. It actually worked!!! I loved it. I know it is not for some or even most, but I love, love, loved it!!! Granted I still have 20 more to go but I'm just glad I was able to do that. It gave me the motivation to get going and keep going.
Kirt has lost 5 pounds. Oh YEAH!!! Guess who's getting paid??? That's right!!! I am!!! Any ideas on where the money should go to??? I'm the winner of this one sucka!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Where's the Merry-Go-Round???
Do you remember the Merry-Go-Round? You know, the one at the park where you had to grab a hold of it, start running, spin it in a circle as fast as you could, hop on the metal plate with little bars, and hold on for dear life? The one where if you spun in the circle fast enough one of your friends, or you, would go spinning off if you didn't hold on tight enough? The one that made you so dizzy you thought you would barf right then and there, but, at the same time, made you giggle so hard you thought you peed yourself?
Or what Jungle gym tower made of just metal bars??? OH yeah! That one nearly killed me a few times!!! How did we survive? I remember being left to run the neighborhood for hours. Mom just had dad whistle to have us come home. It is crazy to think about doing that now.
I played on that Merry-go-round every time we went to the park. It was my favorite thing at the park.
Where is my Merry-go-Round???
OK. So I am guilty. I don't know if I would let my kids play on it! Sad huh?! I know why is it not in the playgrounds anymore. I am so afraid of them getting badly hurt and trapped underneath that thing. But--I can remember on more than on occasion that thing beating me up pretty good. So, I learned, and never did that again. But I'm noticing my protectiveness is getting in the way of them just being kids.
My mom used to have chicken pock parties. Now it is sanitize, disinfect, isolate. Her way sounds funner:)
By the way I act sometimes it is like I want the playground padded. I'm sure with all the rules I have set up for my kids I'm setting myself up for a revolt when they are teenagers. Saying "they never experienced life and we were too restricting."
I miss the merry-go-round and the metal bars of doom. I know they are way too dangerous but I wonder if I put so much padding on life and my kids that I forget to let kids just be KIDS.
(Who break their arm occasionally at the playground......)
Or what Jungle gym tower made of just metal bars??? OH yeah! That one nearly killed me a few times!!! How did we survive? I remember being left to run the neighborhood for hours. Mom just had dad whistle to have us come home. It is crazy to think about doing that now.
I played on that Merry-go-round every time we went to the park. It was my favorite thing at the park.
Where is my Merry-go-Round???
OK. So I am guilty. I don't know if I would let my kids play on it! Sad huh?! I know why is it not in the playgrounds anymore. I am so afraid of them getting badly hurt and trapped underneath that thing. But--I can remember on more than on occasion that thing beating me up pretty good. So, I learned, and never did that again. But I'm noticing my protectiveness is getting in the way of them just being kids.
My mom used to have chicken pock parties. Now it is sanitize, disinfect, isolate. Her way sounds funner:)
By the way I act sometimes it is like I want the playground padded. I'm sure with all the rules I have set up for my kids I'm setting myself up for a revolt when they are teenagers. Saying "they never experienced life and we were too restricting."
I miss the merry-go-round and the metal bars of doom. I know they are way too dangerous but I wonder if I put so much padding on life and my kids that I forget to let kids just be KIDS.
(Who break their arm occasionally at the playground......)
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Kids say the darndest things...
So I'm going in a complete different direction this time. Still going with the same theme, still being honest, just thought I'd lighten the mood a little...
My kids and I stayed up way too late one night talking. When I put the kids to bed it's a pretty laid back scenario. I don't have a strict schedule. It drives my husband crazy! It can take me up to and hour and a half to put those kids to bed. I find those little babies minds too funny! We stay up and talk about anything and everything. If you get a kid talking long enough.....their thoughts will fascinate you. My boys especially.
If you get them at night and when they are tired.....it is late night comedy at its best. A pure laugh fest if you let it.
My boys can talk about and do some of the grossest stuff. I know I should tell them, "Chase! Landon! Becks! Stop talking about your farts!" and "Who cares who's poop is bigger today!" or "Why do you have to sword fight with your pee every time you go to the bathroom?!" But I find myself just laughing in the corner like a child all the time. Who said kids weren't the coolest entertainment God ever blessed us with?!
I am finding this growing up thing a little challenging. How am I supposed to tell my kids to stop doing and saying stuff I personally think is quite hilarious? I can't lie, can I?! My personal ethics are at stake here!! They are like my stay at home comics. Why do I have to be the one to tell them they are behaving poorly? When in reality, I just think, "Oh.....now THAT was funny!!"
I remember the very first time the thought entered my mind to get a boob job. I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying off. I was leaning over and rolling my hair up in a towel. My then, 2 year old chase, came bursting through the bathroom door. His eyes immediately went wide and looked straight at my boobs. I hurried and covered them. Chase hurries and says, "Mommy, how long are those?!" I was in shock.
"How....how.....rude!" I look down and take a peak. "AWE! They are long!" I thought for a second. "Oh man!!! Now I will have to get them done!!" ---It was a hard day for me--
Yet still they remain. Long and flappy:)
Landon and chase were wrestling, and Chase was on top of Landon bouncing up and down. Landon kept letting out little farts every now and again. Chase says, "Landon, stop farting! You know you can control your farts!!" Landon immediately responds angrily, "No I can't chase, not when you're sitting on me! That's what makes farts pop!"
Now when I hear those arguments I am just hysterically laughing and no parenting will ever occur to this one! It was a winner. Too funny to ruin. I did come in and tell them they made me laugh and that I loved them, though....
Hey, it made them stop arguing. That's the important part, right? Ummmm.......ok, I may have a problem with disciplining things if they are hilarious.
A great example of that is when Aunt Jenna came to visit. Aunt Jenna is young and extremely beautiful. Not only that, she's got some great knockers. (boobies) She comes inside the house and is wearing a low cut v-neck shirt.
Chase and Landon come racing to hug their aunt Jenna. She swoops them in her arms and squeezes them as hard as she can. Their faces all plunge down her neckline. Jenna lets them go. Their hands immediately grab her breasts. (They are 5 and 6)
"What are those?" Landon asks. "AHHHH!!!" Jenna was taken completely off guard. "HAHAHAHA!" I burst out with no control whatsoever. I calm down after what takes A LOT of effort. "I mean, Chase! Landon! No touching Aunt Jenna's boobies!!!" Jenna just looks at me in disbelief. I'm still holding back my laughs. She has now been laughing for awhile too.
"I forgot to tell you that plunging neck lines are a no-no in this house hold. For some reason tiny little hands flock to them."
"Aunt Jenna!" Landon pleaded. "You still didn't answer my question! WHAT ARE THOSE?!" I suddenly realize why they are asking the question to her and not me. Hers looks lots nicer than mine. They aren't "long and flappy", they are huge and perky. I am again offended......man that boob job sounds nice.
Jenna is still laughing. Before I can tell Landon to stop talking to my sister about her private parts and give him the whole speech thing you gotta do as parents, she tells them they are her BOOBS.
Awe Man! Landon's eyes got wide and he smiled his biggest grin. He then said the comment every mother needs to hear to help her realize she really does have a boy living in the house with her. Not her perfect little baby child but a full fledged boy who's growing up and develop hormones. Or noticing what he likes about girls. Landon says, "I like those!" he smiles and stares. "AHHHHH!!!" Jenna covers herself with a jacket.
"I told you! No plunging neck lines!!!" I laughed. Later I listened to the boys talk about boobies and how soft and fun they thought they were. But---they know it is a private part and you can't touch, stare, ask anyone about their private parts. They know to come to me now. No touching random girls boobs. Yea for me! I taught them a lesson!!
Wow! Sometimes I have these conversations with my boys and I think, REALLY? Already? Am I that old? Can I really be having these talks already?But then the classic story of Chase and Landon at the soccer fields...
We were at Lexi's soccer game and Chase and Landon were wrestling around like they always do. Then, A group of girls walk by.......and automatically they both freeze in their tracks and stare. I was in shock. Chase is only 6 years old and Landon is 4. What is going on??? Chase whispers to Landon and says, "Landon, tell those girl to come here." Landon looks at you half angry, half confused, "Why can't you do it?". Chase, "because I told you to do it first! Now do it." Landon looks at Chase defiantly and then takes the defeat, "oh, okay. But next time it's your turn!" I am thinking to myself, "Next time? Do they do this often? What is going on?" I decide to let all of this play out. I am totally curious if my boys are actually trying to pick up on a group of 15 and 16 year old girls. The group of girls are standing about 30 feet from them and I am hiding in the background where no one can see. Landon shouts, "Hey girls! Come here!"
And then both Chase and Landon start flexing for them.........I am dying! This is too funny! The girls are not impressed, (obviously). They replied, "No!" and turned and started to leave. Chase whispers in Landon's ear again, "Tell them if they don't come over here, we're going to beat them up!" Landon replies, "Awe Chase. Do I have too?" and Chase says, "YES!! Now stop being a baby and do it!" Chase gives Landon a little nudge and yells so loud a few heads even turn to see who was yelling. "Hey girls! If you don't come over here we're going to beat you up." This is when I finally intervene. "Chase, Landon!! If you want to pick up on a girl, threatening to beat her up does not make her want to come over and talk to you." Both of them looked so confused.
They are just too funny!!! But after having kids and after many nights of talking to them there some things even I have not grown up from. (I know, I know, real SHOCKER there huh?!)
So ladies and gentlemen I'm gonna let ya in on a little bit of a secret.....things I don't tell anyone. But the kids and I's conversation was too funny not to post about. We were asking each other what are some things you do that you would normally never admit to doing. It started out shy and then got crazy funny.
Despite my better judgment,.......I wrote down mine. My kids loved that I participated in the game. Now.....Don't judge me, love me. Because dang it!! I'm freaking awesome! I may have a few screws loose but I like it that way.
Here is the list. (Of course, some of these I did not tell my children.) Remember....no judging....
I'm afraid of the dark. If Kirt would let me, I would have a night light on every night. I am still sure the girl in the movie, "The Ring", is out to get me.
If a TV goes fuzzy...it will induce a full fledged panic attack. (Oh....she's real people!!!)
I hate shopping. (Don't tell my girl friends! I like to get in and get out!)
I still like to watch Power Rangers. (The red one is my favorite.)
If I bounce on a tramp, my uterus usually feels like it falls out of my HOO-HAA. (SO sure that is not a good thing...)
I sometimes rewind kissing scenes over and over because I think they are so romantic and I wish I was the one kissing the leading man..........(scandalous I know!!! Don't worry, Kirt knows and loves me anyways. He knows he's the hottest man in the world to me anyways.)
I love I can blame all my farts in the stores on my kids and walk away. (I mean, who'd believe them?)
If I could, I would play in the McDonald play place play land. I want to crawl around in those tubes!
I still pee-pee in public pools. Only on occasion.....(Don't tell ANYONE!!!)
If I fart, I have to smell them.........."Gross Niki!" I know!
Those kids are too much fun. Laughing with them is my best medicine. I'm not going to have stay at home, late night comedy forever. Better get it while its hot!
My kids and I stayed up way too late one night talking. When I put the kids to bed it's a pretty laid back scenario. I don't have a strict schedule. It drives my husband crazy! It can take me up to and hour and a half to put those kids to bed. I find those little babies minds too funny! We stay up and talk about anything and everything. If you get a kid talking long enough.....their thoughts will fascinate you. My boys especially.
If you get them at night and when they are tired.....it is late night comedy at its best. A pure laugh fest if you let it.
My boys can talk about and do some of the grossest stuff. I know I should tell them, "Chase! Landon! Becks! Stop talking about your farts!" and "Who cares who's poop is bigger today!" or "Why do you have to sword fight with your pee every time you go to the bathroom?!" But I find myself just laughing in the corner like a child all the time. Who said kids weren't the coolest entertainment God ever blessed us with?!
I am finding this growing up thing a little challenging. How am I supposed to tell my kids to stop doing and saying stuff I personally think is quite hilarious? I can't lie, can I?! My personal ethics are at stake here!! They are like my stay at home comics. Why do I have to be the one to tell them they are behaving poorly? When in reality, I just think, "Oh.....now THAT was funny!!"
I remember the very first time the thought entered my mind to get a boob job. I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying off. I was leaning over and rolling my hair up in a towel. My then, 2 year old chase, came bursting through the bathroom door. His eyes immediately went wide and looked straight at my boobs. I hurried and covered them. Chase hurries and says, "Mommy, how long are those?!" I was in shock.
"How....how.....rude!" I look down and take a peak. "AWE! They are long!" I thought for a second. "Oh man!!! Now I will have to get them done!!" ---It was a hard day for me--
Yet still they remain. Long and flappy:)
Landon and chase were wrestling, and Chase was on top of Landon bouncing up and down. Landon kept letting out little farts every now and again. Chase says, "Landon, stop farting! You know you can control your farts!!" Landon immediately responds angrily, "No I can't chase, not when you're sitting on me! That's what makes farts pop!"
Now when I hear those arguments I am just hysterically laughing and no parenting will ever occur to this one! It was a winner. Too funny to ruin. I did come in and tell them they made me laugh and that I loved them, though....
Hey, it made them stop arguing. That's the important part, right? Ummmm.......ok, I may have a problem with disciplining things if they are hilarious.
A great example of that is when Aunt Jenna came to visit. Aunt Jenna is young and extremely beautiful. Not only that, she's got some great knockers. (boobies) She comes inside the house and is wearing a low cut v-neck shirt.
Chase and Landon come racing to hug their aunt Jenna. She swoops them in her arms and squeezes them as hard as she can. Their faces all plunge down her neckline. Jenna lets them go. Their hands immediately grab her breasts. (They are 5 and 6)
"What are those?" Landon asks. "AHHHH!!!" Jenna was taken completely off guard. "HAHAHAHA!" I burst out with no control whatsoever. I calm down after what takes A LOT of effort. "I mean, Chase! Landon! No touching Aunt Jenna's boobies!!!" Jenna just looks at me in disbelief. I'm still holding back my laughs. She has now been laughing for awhile too.
"I forgot to tell you that plunging neck lines are a no-no in this house hold. For some reason tiny little hands flock to them."
"Aunt Jenna!" Landon pleaded. "You still didn't answer my question! WHAT ARE THOSE?!" I suddenly realize why they are asking the question to her and not me. Hers looks lots nicer than mine. They aren't "long and flappy", they are huge and perky. I am again offended......man that boob job sounds nice.
Jenna is still laughing. Before I can tell Landon to stop talking to my sister about her private parts and give him the whole speech thing you gotta do as parents, she tells them they are her BOOBS.
Awe Man! Landon's eyes got wide and he smiled his biggest grin. He then said the comment every mother needs to hear to help her realize she really does have a boy living in the house with her. Not her perfect little baby child but a full fledged boy who's growing up and develop hormones. Or noticing what he likes about girls. Landon says, "I like those!" he smiles and stares. "AHHHHH!!!" Jenna covers herself with a jacket.
"I told you! No plunging neck lines!!!" I laughed. Later I listened to the boys talk about boobies and how soft and fun they thought they were. But---they know it is a private part and you can't touch, stare, ask anyone about their private parts. They know to come to me now. No touching random girls boobs. Yea for me! I taught them a lesson!!
Wow! Sometimes I have these conversations with my boys and I think, REALLY? Already? Am I that old? Can I really be having these talks already?But then the classic story of Chase and Landon at the soccer fields...
We were at Lexi's soccer game and Chase and Landon were wrestling around like they always do. Then, A group of girls walk by.......and automatically they both freeze in their tracks and stare. I was in shock. Chase is only 6 years old and Landon is 4. What is going on??? Chase whispers to Landon and says, "Landon, tell those girl to come here." Landon looks at you half angry, half confused, "Why can't you do it?". Chase, "because I told you to do it first! Now do it." Landon looks at Chase defiantly and then takes the defeat, "oh, okay. But next time it's your turn!" I am thinking to myself, "Next time? Do they do this often? What is going on?" I decide to let all of this play out. I am totally curious if my boys are actually trying to pick up on a group of 15 and 16 year old girls. The group of girls are standing about 30 feet from them and I am hiding in the background where no one can see. Landon shouts, "Hey girls! Come here!"
And then both Chase and Landon start flexing for them.........I am dying! This is too funny! The girls are not impressed, (obviously). They replied, "No!" and turned and started to leave. Chase whispers in Landon's ear again, "Tell them if they don't come over here, we're going to beat them up!" Landon replies, "Awe Chase. Do I have too?" and Chase says, "YES!! Now stop being a baby and do it!" Chase gives Landon a little nudge and yells so loud a few heads even turn to see who was yelling. "Hey girls! If you don't come over here we're going to beat you up." This is when I finally intervene. "Chase, Landon!! If you want to pick up on a girl, threatening to beat her up does not make her want to come over and talk to you." Both of them looked so confused.
They are just too funny!!! But after having kids and after many nights of talking to them there some things even I have not grown up from. (I know, I know, real SHOCKER there huh?!)
So ladies and gentlemen I'm gonna let ya in on a little bit of a secret.....things I don't tell anyone. But the kids and I's conversation was too funny not to post about. We were asking each other what are some things you do that you would normally never admit to doing. It started out shy and then got crazy funny.
Despite my better judgment,.......I wrote down mine. My kids loved that I participated in the game. Now.....Don't judge me, love me. Because dang it!! I'm freaking awesome! I may have a few screws loose but I like it that way.
Here is the list. (Of course, some of these I did not tell my children.) Remember....no judging....
I'm afraid of the dark. If Kirt would let me, I would have a night light on every night. I am still sure the girl in the movie, "The Ring", is out to get me.
If a TV goes fuzzy...it will induce a full fledged panic attack. (Oh....she's real people!!!)
I hate shopping. (Don't tell my girl friends! I like to get in and get out!)
I still like to watch Power Rangers. (The red one is my favorite.)
If I bounce on a tramp, my uterus usually feels like it falls out of my HOO-HAA. (SO sure that is not a good thing...)
I sometimes rewind kissing scenes over and over because I think they are so romantic and I wish I was the one kissing the leading man..........(scandalous I know!!! Don't worry, Kirt knows and loves me anyways. He knows he's the hottest man in the world to me anyways.)
I love I can blame all my farts in the stores on my kids and walk away. (I mean, who'd believe them?)
If I could, I would play in the McDonald play place play land. I want to crawl around in those tubes!
I still pee-pee in public pools. Only on occasion.....(Don't tell ANYONE!!!)
If I fart, I have to smell them.........."Gross Niki!" I know!
Those kids are too much fun. Laughing with them is my best medicine. I'm not going to have stay at home, late night comedy forever. Better get it while its hot!
Sunday, April 7, 2013
A measure of your Worth
There is so much beauty in this world. Filled with women of all ages. All races. All circumstances.
Beautiful. Tender. Kind. Loving. Woman have a gift. Making our dent in the corporate world today has made us strong and independent and even powerful. But our true power comes from within. Our true beauty is that we are tender. Our true strength is that we love. What is so beautiful about women is that we are soft and gentle. Kind and Sincere.
We are different. We are needed. Our hearts are deep and our love endless. Our tender hearts should be proud to be so open and kind, and never harden to life's cruel intentions. We are the heart the world needs to survive.
Powerful. You are powerful. Your love is inspiring. It moves the men in your life to be amazing. There is no measure to your worth. You are priceless.
Beautiful. Tender. Kind. Loving. Woman have a gift. Making our dent in the corporate world today has made us strong and independent and even powerful. But our true power comes from within. Our true beauty is that we are tender. Our true strength is that we love. What is so beautiful about women is that we are soft and gentle. Kind and Sincere.
We are different. We are needed. Our hearts are deep and our love endless. Our tender hearts should be proud to be so open and kind, and never harden to life's cruel intentions. We are the heart the world needs to survive.
Powerful. You are powerful. Your love is inspiring. It moves the men in your life to be amazing. There is no measure to your worth. You are priceless.
Beautiful Brown Eyes and Dry Drowning
The kids were so excited to go swimming. I was exhausted but knew I had no choice but to give in to their demands. We all got dressed and went with grandma to the clubhouse. We showered off and all jumped into the pool. It was surprisingly warm.
So refreshing. Soon we were all smiling and splashing. My two oldest, Alexis and Chase, can swim. I don't need to worry about them. Landon and Beckham are a different story. I have to watch them carefully. So throughout our swimming I practiced with Landon and Beckham in teaching them how to swim. they were doing great and we all were getting into a rhythm.
So Landon and Beckham were jumping off the ledge of the pool and jumping into my arms. If you have ever swam with these guys, they don't wait for you to look and tell them you are ready for them. They jump and land on top of you as soon as they can. They love to jump at the same time. It is like catching 2 basket balls at the same time. Except...these basketballs kick, scream, claw, punch, and twist their way out of your arms.
Now remember, I am alone at the pool with grandma just watching. Kirt is working back at home. I am the only one in the pool with the kids. Landon suddenly jumps at the far side of the pool. I dive to grab him. We swim back to the others and begin to play. As I am standing with the kids I see a beautiful pair of brown eyes.
They are frantic. It is Beckham. ONLY his eyes are above water. His cute baby arms are outstretched and inches to reaching me. I immediately grab him and assess how he is doing. He is coughing and extremely pale. He must have been under at least 30 seconds. "My poor baby!" He stops coughing and lays his head on my chest. He is tired and still extremely pale. He was done swimming. We all left the pool.
I had seen an Oprah episode. (Yes. Yes. I know. I am an Oprah fan, so what?) It was on Dry Drowning. It totally freaked me out. So like any mother...I watched him all day for signs of it. If you don't know what Dry Drowning is I'm gonna tell you.
I am so grateful to live where I live. I am so grateful to have the modern medicine we have. I am so grateful I was able to go and get help for my baby when I needed it. I wish all could have the opportunities this Nation has. I'm truly blessed to be able to have access to medical help whenever I need it. So thankful for everything in my life!
So refreshing. Soon we were all smiling and splashing. My two oldest, Alexis and Chase, can swim. I don't need to worry about them. Landon and Beckham are a different story. I have to watch them carefully. So throughout our swimming I practiced with Landon and Beckham in teaching them how to swim. they were doing great and we all were getting into a rhythm.
So Landon and Beckham were jumping off the ledge of the pool and jumping into my arms. If you have ever swam with these guys, they don't wait for you to look and tell them you are ready for them. They jump and land on top of you as soon as they can. They love to jump at the same time. It is like catching 2 basket balls at the same time. Except...these basketballs kick, scream, claw, punch, and twist their way out of your arms.
Now remember, I am alone at the pool with grandma just watching. Kirt is working back at home. I am the only one in the pool with the kids. Landon suddenly jumps at the far side of the pool. I dive to grab him. We swim back to the others and begin to play. As I am standing with the kids I see a beautiful pair of brown eyes.
They are frantic. It is Beckham. ONLY his eyes are above water. His cute baby arms are outstretched and inches to reaching me. I immediately grab him and assess how he is doing. He is coughing and extremely pale. He must have been under at least 30 seconds. "My poor baby!" He stops coughing and lays his head on my chest. He is tired and still extremely pale. He was done swimming. We all left the pool.
I had seen an Oprah episode. (Yes. Yes. I know. I am an Oprah fan, so what?) It was on Dry Drowning. It totally freaked me out. So like any mother...I watched him all day for signs of it. If you don't know what Dry Drowning is I'm gonna tell you.
In dry drowning, a certain amount of water, or any liquid, is
present in the lungs, which results in the inability to take in oxygen
from the air that is inhaled. It does not mean that the individual died
in water, but simply means that there was no or little water in the
lungs at the time of death. Hence, the term 'dry' is given. Moreover, it
may also take place due to a damage to the respiratory system,
Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/dry-drowning-symptoms.html
Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/dry-drowning-symptoms.html
So if you didn't follow the link, the paragraph kinda tells you what it is. Everything was fine. And in all reality, you are in the most danger right after swimming or right after the child has inhaled the water. The 3 classic symptoms to look for are chronic coughing for 20-30 minutes and trouble breathing, uneven breathing and/or chest pain. If the child has dry drowning symptoms it can not be treated at home. It can only be treated at the hospital. Do not take any chances with dry drowning.
I was probably in the safe zone with Beckham, but I am an overly cautious, over paranoid, freak yourself out kind of parent. It had been 8 hours past the time he had been swimming. But I would never forgive myself if anything happened to my cute baby. So....later that night, Beckham had this crazy coughing fit and was coughing up a ton of water and his lips were turning purple. So off to the hospital we went.
They took a simple x-ray of his chest to see if he had water on his lungs. Luckily, His lungs were clear and we were good to go home. Sweet little Beckham was safe and I could sleep that night.
Confessions...
Disclaimer: This post is completely and utterly honest. I have had
this written for a while. I have had it saved but never thought I would
ever post it. I'd like everyone to think I have a positive outlook on
life and take a positive spin to everything. Never would I want someone
to come to this blog every time, read it, and find themselves
depressed. As a result, my thoughts on this subject have remained as mild as possible. Finally being honest to myself broke a chain I didn't even know existed. This post is not meant to depress anyone. Please don't read this if you don't want to hear an honest, deep, close to the heart, post. I was scared to tell you the truth. Here are my
confessions.
I thought I had it all together but I don't. It turns out I was just pretending. 5 years have passed and I hit rock bottom.
My wall of pretend flowers and roses burned and the weeds seeped through.
Where was Jesse? He was supposed to be here by now. His deadline was up. I am standing here at the finish line waiting and there is not a single trace of him to be found.
I am in shock that I have not awakened from this nightmare. "So this really is reality."
I see myself with my mother on Jesse's bed in Hawaii. I am with her.
I am watching her hold what is left of him. His clothes.
They are piled around her and her arms are wrapped tight around them. She cries in the silence. I cry with her.
"Why her?" I think. "Why did you do this to her?"
I am angry. I don't understand.
She takes a deep inhale of Jesse's scent that still remain on his clothes. Her cries become deeper and deeper. She sinks into the clothes.
I turn away. I cannot watch. The pain is too much. My anger is too great. My confusion, too strong.
She somehow makes it home. I am barely able to look her in the eyes. My heart has broken for my mother.
I awake from my dream but the harsh reality is---I'm still living this nightmare.
Our lives seem to carry on in silence. I cannot feel this pain a moment longer. I must turn this pain off. "In 5 years you will know something..."
The emotions slowly shut down and I was able to function.
Here I am. 5 years and still the silence remains. I know nothing more. I have a backyard of weeds I didn't know needed pulled.
I am angry. I want a funeral. I want to mourn like everybody else. I want to know he is dead. I want a body in a casket. I wanted to kiss him goodbye.
I don't want a memorial. I want a real funeral. I want closure. I'm not OK with the unknown. I'm not OK with any of this. I'm not OK.
I feel like I have to tell everyone I am doing great. That life is a climb and I'm enjoying every second of it.
Well.....if you say that, you're lying. Sometimes, it sucks.
It sucks He is gone. I don't care that life isn't fair. This shouldn't have happened. This shouldn't ever happen to anyone.
I can't pretend anymore. This is it. He really is missing. He really is gone.
How did this all happen? It is hard to face something when you can't actually face it. Denial is a great defense mechanism. It has been my wheelchair for 5 years.
It is OK.
I have found it's OK to admit I don't have it all together. I'm OK with admitting I'm not happy 100% of the time. I'm OK telling myself, "I'm not OK!". I'm not perfect. I'm just me.
Most of all, I'm OK admitting I feel a little lost. Stumped. I was so sure my life was going to turn out so much differently.
I love my kids and husband. They are my world.
But--I never knew I could keep a secret from myself.
It was so hard to admit I was holding out for a miracle that Jesse would return in 5 years. I know it makes no sense. But admitting my secret has lifted this weight off my shoulders. Being honest with myself and dealing with it has made a huge difference. I never knew admitting something could be THAT difficult.
What helped me admit my secret was a dream I had few months ago...
I was standing at my back porch and looking out across my backyard. I found myself arguing with someone I could not see.
"He is not coming back Niki. I'm so sorry."
"You are a Liar! He is coming back! He'll be here! You can't just say that! He is coming.....he is....you'll see....just wait.....just wait!!"
"No Niki. Come back inside."
"I can't. I can't. He's out there! Don't you see?! He's out here?!" I am pointing outside.
All there is, is an empty field of tall weeds. The weeds I have just uncovered from my fake garden. The fake garden I thought I had planted.
"This doesn't make you a bad person. You don't have to feel guilty. He knows you love him. He knows you care. You're not giving up, you're not moving on, you're just coming back inside to where he really is."
"How do you know where he really is?!"
"He's in your heart, Niki."
"I don't want him in my heart...I want him here...please! Please.....please......please....."
I sink to my knees, my hands slowly cover my face, and I begin to cry. The scene darkens and I am alone. I am now curled in a ball sobbing. I cry for what seems like an eternity.
I awake from my dream in the same position. The words from Helen Keller again speak to me,
"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose, all that we love becomes a part of us."
I close my eyes and fade back into my dream.
I am back at my back porch. As I come inside, I take one last look at my weeds and softly smile.
"Together Again, Our Family Forever"
For just family members....I need your e-mails. There is a little something you need to know:) themissingpiece777@gmail.com
I thought I had it all together but I don't. It turns out I was just pretending. 5 years have passed and I hit rock bottom.
My wall of pretend flowers and roses burned and the weeds seeped through.
Where was Jesse? He was supposed to be here by now. His deadline was up. I am standing here at the finish line waiting and there is not a single trace of him to be found.
I am in shock that I have not awakened from this nightmare. "So this really is reality."
I see myself with my mother on Jesse's bed in Hawaii. I am with her.
I am watching her hold what is left of him. His clothes.
They are piled around her and her arms are wrapped tight around them. She cries in the silence. I cry with her.
"Why her?" I think. "Why did you do this to her?"
I am angry. I don't understand.
She takes a deep inhale of Jesse's scent that still remain on his clothes. Her cries become deeper and deeper. She sinks into the clothes.
I turn away. I cannot watch. The pain is too much. My anger is too great. My confusion, too strong.
She somehow makes it home. I am barely able to look her in the eyes. My heart has broken for my mother.
I awake from my dream but the harsh reality is---I'm still living this nightmare.
Our lives seem to carry on in silence. I cannot feel this pain a moment longer. I must turn this pain off. "In 5 years you will know something..."
The emotions slowly shut down and I was able to function.
Here I am. 5 years and still the silence remains. I know nothing more. I have a backyard of weeds I didn't know needed pulled.
I am angry. I want a funeral. I want to mourn like everybody else. I want to know he is dead. I want a body in a casket. I wanted to kiss him goodbye.
I don't want a memorial. I want a real funeral. I want closure. I'm not OK with the unknown. I'm not OK with any of this. I'm not OK.
I feel like I have to tell everyone I am doing great. That life is a climb and I'm enjoying every second of it.
Well.....if you say that, you're lying. Sometimes, it sucks.
It sucks He is gone. I don't care that life isn't fair. This shouldn't have happened. This shouldn't ever happen to anyone.
I can't pretend anymore. This is it. He really is missing. He really is gone.
How did this all happen? It is hard to face something when you can't actually face it. Denial is a great defense mechanism. It has been my wheelchair for 5 years.
It is OK.
I have found it's OK to admit I don't have it all together. I'm OK with admitting I'm not happy 100% of the time. I'm OK telling myself, "I'm not OK!". I'm not perfect. I'm just me.
Most of all, I'm OK admitting I feel a little lost. Stumped. I was so sure my life was going to turn out so much differently.
I love my kids and husband. They are my world.
But--I never knew I could keep a secret from myself.
It was so hard to admit I was holding out for a miracle that Jesse would return in 5 years. I know it makes no sense. But admitting my secret has lifted this weight off my shoulders. Being honest with myself and dealing with it has made a huge difference. I never knew admitting something could be THAT difficult.
What helped me admit my secret was a dream I had few months ago...
I was standing at my back porch and looking out across my backyard. I found myself arguing with someone I could not see.
"He is not coming back Niki. I'm so sorry."
"You are a Liar! He is coming back! He'll be here! You can't just say that! He is coming.....he is....you'll see....just wait.....just wait!!"
"No Niki. Come back inside."
"I can't. I can't. He's out there! Don't you see?! He's out here?!" I am pointing outside.
All there is, is an empty field of tall weeds. The weeds I have just uncovered from my fake garden. The fake garden I thought I had planted.
"This doesn't make you a bad person. You don't have to feel guilty. He knows you love him. He knows you care. You're not giving up, you're not moving on, you're just coming back inside to where he really is."
"How do you know where he really is?!"
"He's in your heart, Niki."
"I don't want him in my heart...I want him here...please! Please.....please......please....."
I sink to my knees, my hands slowly cover my face, and I begin to cry. The scene darkens and I am alone. I am now curled in a ball sobbing. I cry for what seems like an eternity.
I awake from my dream in the same position. The words from Helen Keller again speak to me,
"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose, all that we love becomes a part of us."
I close my eyes and fade back into my dream.
I am back at my back porch. As I come inside, I take one last look at my weeds and softly smile.
"Together Again, Our Family Forever"
For just family members....I need your e-mails. There is a little something you need to know:) themissingpiece777@gmail.com
Love Her!
After my long weekend with my sweet but sick and dying patient I needed a little R and R. So what better place to go than the best place in the world??? Grandma's House!!!
I had just gotten off of my 12 hour shift with my patient. He had passed away on my shift. I was a mess. I had been crying almost the entire shift and could use a nice long car ride to calm down and cry a little more. A trip to St. George would be perfect! And if you have ever met my grandma, a visit to her is always a remedy for a pick me up.
The drive to St. George is a calm and very straight one. It is about 4 hours from my home. I was completely wired from the night before. So I picked the kids up straight from my shift and headed to Grandma's. (Yup....I still want my Grandma when I'm sad;)) The kids were beyond excited that they didn't notice my crying in the front seat almost the entire way there. "Good." I thought. "Just how I wanted them to react."
We arrived at Grandma's house and the first thing I love about her is that she lives in, (what I always viewed as a child) the coolest and most beautiful Retirement community and trailer park in the world. I mean, this is no ordinary trailer park....It has a club house!!! The streets are paved and the trailers are on cement pads. Wow. My childhood self would call this place paradise. I still see this place as my personal paradise. Why? Because one of the most important people in my life lives here. Grandma. She can bring comfort to you when you think no comfort can be found. Have you ever had a person in your life like that? This place is a magical place because she lives there.
We pull up and Grandma is always sitting by her door waiting. Of course when you come to give her a hug you will notice half of her finger nail is chewed off because she has been worried about you while you have been driving. NEVER be late, or, that finger nail will be gone. Then you will feel REALLY bad.
When you give Grandma a hug it always goes with a little kiss on the lips. She is old fashioned. A kiss on the lips is traditional in the family, (only with Grandma). If you have not been warned, like my husband Kirt, it will really take you off guard, (Too funny). I love that she remains herself and never changes.
We are finally there! I instantly feel it is like I am at my own home. I realize I have been coming to this place since I have been 10 years old. I have walked these streets for 20 years!! Lexi will be 10 in 2 years. Am I really that old? Crazy. We come inside and sit and catch up on life. The kids start playing with grandma's shell's she has collected with Grandpa over the years. So beautiful.
I tell Grandma I haven't slept in 48 hours and Grandma says, "Well GRAB niki, what are you thinking? Had I known that I would have chewed off three of my finger nails!!" I laughed. Where did she get that word anyways? GRAB? I love it every time she says it. It makes no sense and yet it makes perfect sense at the same time. She is the only person in the entire world I have heard use it. So I think she invented the phrase herself.
I tell her about life and she listens. I find she is a great listener. At times I wish I knew so much more about her. I know it is how it was back then....you didn't talk too much about yourself but I wish she'd talk more about herself. She is the most selfless person you will ever meet. She does everything for everyone. What would this entire family be without her? I'm am one grandchild. I went running to her. I know we all do. That lady is so wonderful. Don't you just want to squeeze her?!
My kids are dying to go swimming so we all go swimming. Grandma comes to watch. She is always a good sport. She will stay for hours just to watch. (Beckham nearly drowned and later was taken to the hospital due to a scare with dry drowning. That will be my next post. Today is about cute grandma.)
One thing I never realized but always loved as a kid is that you can't really shower at grandma's. You usually shower at the club house. It was always an adventure. We were always getting in trouble though. Something about the floors were too wet and the elderly kept slipping and falling after we showered. We could shower forever there. Hot water lasted longer there.
I showered all the kids and we all came home and grandma literally tucked me into bed like she did when I was little and took care of the kids the rest of the night. I laughed at her. It was so cute. How can you not love her? I was so exhausted. Luckily the kids were too. We all crashed and went to sleep. I felt like a kid again. Being comforted by Grandma's love and peaceful presence.
The morning came and we were greeted with pancakes and eggs. She fixed each of us our eggs individually how we liked them cooked. Do you know how long that takes for 5 people? A long time! What patience! Breakfast is the best with grandma.
I love her bluntness. If she doesn't like something she'll tell you. I offered her a chocolate chip cookie I had made once and she said, "I'll only eat it if it has at least 3 chocolate chips in it. If it doesn't have at least 3 chocolate chips in it than it is not worth the calories." I laughed and said "OK Grandma. I'll make sure it has lots of chocolate chips:)"
Grandma loves walks. We walked with the kids and talked. We visited Grandpa's tree they planted for him when he died. We went to the movies. We went out to eat. We relaxed. We hiked. We tried to fit all we could in. Grandma tried to make sure we were entertained the entire time. But we could have been fine just sitting there. Just a blast to be with her.
When it came time to leave Grandma looks at her watch. She tells you she'll call you at a certain time. You better answer or all of her finger nail will be gone. You better be home in the time frame she gives you too. She will worry if you are not. It is always sad to leave. A part of you always wants to stay. A part feels like that place is home. She is just that special.
Being with my patient and seeing all of his grandchildren come to visit him for the last time really struck a chord with me. I have been taking care of him on and off for about 2 years now. Some of these people I have never seen. I am not faulting ANYONE. I know EVERYONE gets busy. Including me. It was so hard to look at them and see the look of regret in their eyes as they turned and looked at me and said, "There were so many times we were going to come out and visit but something always came up. We should have just come. I can't even remember why we didn't." My heart truly goes out to them. I love and care for that family so much.
Do you know it has been 3 years since I have been down to see grandma at her house? That is why I just kept driving. I didn't know she got knew carpet. (it looks great by the way.) I was so glad I got to see Grandma. She makes me so happy. She is so fun to be around. Such a comfort. She loves all of us unconditionally. Who wouldn't want to see her? She makes you laugh. She makes you smile. When you are with her you really don't have a worry in the world. So WHY NOT VISIT GRANDMA??? I don't know why it took me so long but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me by just spending 2 days with that lady. She is magical. She has a gift. She can make you feel loved like no one else can. I need to take advantage while I still can! she is absolutely amazing. I just can't say enough about her!!! WOW. I needed that. We all need that. She is just a remedy for a better life. I love her.
Family, If you have any stories about cute grandma please share. We all love her so much. She needs to know. What better way than to gush about her. For all you others out there.....gush about your loved one. They need to know:)
I had just gotten off of my 12 hour shift with my patient. He had passed away on my shift. I was a mess. I had been crying almost the entire shift and could use a nice long car ride to calm down and cry a little more. A trip to St. George would be perfect! And if you have ever met my grandma, a visit to her is always a remedy for a pick me up.
The drive to St. George is a calm and very straight one. It is about 4 hours from my home. I was completely wired from the night before. So I picked the kids up straight from my shift and headed to Grandma's. (Yup....I still want my Grandma when I'm sad;)) The kids were beyond excited that they didn't notice my crying in the front seat almost the entire way there. "Good." I thought. "Just how I wanted them to react."
We arrived at Grandma's house and the first thing I love about her is that she lives in, (what I always viewed as a child) the coolest and most beautiful Retirement community and trailer park in the world. I mean, this is no ordinary trailer park....It has a club house!!! The streets are paved and the trailers are on cement pads. Wow. My childhood self would call this place paradise. I still see this place as my personal paradise. Why? Because one of the most important people in my life lives here. Grandma. She can bring comfort to you when you think no comfort can be found. Have you ever had a person in your life like that? This place is a magical place because she lives there.
We pull up and Grandma is always sitting by her door waiting. Of course when you come to give her a hug you will notice half of her finger nail is chewed off because she has been worried about you while you have been driving. NEVER be late, or, that finger nail will be gone. Then you will feel REALLY bad.
When you give Grandma a hug it always goes with a little kiss on the lips. She is old fashioned. A kiss on the lips is traditional in the family, (only with Grandma). If you have not been warned, like my husband Kirt, it will really take you off guard, (Too funny). I love that she remains herself and never changes.
We are finally there! I instantly feel it is like I am at my own home. I realize I have been coming to this place since I have been 10 years old. I have walked these streets for 20 years!! Lexi will be 10 in 2 years. Am I really that old? Crazy. We come inside and sit and catch up on life. The kids start playing with grandma's shell's she has collected with Grandpa over the years. So beautiful.
I tell Grandma I haven't slept in 48 hours and Grandma says, "Well GRAB niki, what are you thinking? Had I known that I would have chewed off three of my finger nails!!" I laughed. Where did she get that word anyways? GRAB? I love it every time she says it. It makes no sense and yet it makes perfect sense at the same time. She is the only person in the entire world I have heard use it. So I think she invented the phrase herself.
I tell her about life and she listens. I find she is a great listener. At times I wish I knew so much more about her. I know it is how it was back then....you didn't talk too much about yourself but I wish she'd talk more about herself. She is the most selfless person you will ever meet. She does everything for everyone. What would this entire family be without her? I'm am one grandchild. I went running to her. I know we all do. That lady is so wonderful. Don't you just want to squeeze her?!
My kids are dying to go swimming so we all go swimming. Grandma comes to watch. She is always a good sport. She will stay for hours just to watch. (Beckham nearly drowned and later was taken to the hospital due to a scare with dry drowning. That will be my next post. Today is about cute grandma.)
One thing I never realized but always loved as a kid is that you can't really shower at grandma's. You usually shower at the club house. It was always an adventure. We were always getting in trouble though. Something about the floors were too wet and the elderly kept slipping and falling after we showered. We could shower forever there. Hot water lasted longer there.
I showered all the kids and we all came home and grandma literally tucked me into bed like she did when I was little and took care of the kids the rest of the night. I laughed at her. It was so cute. How can you not love her? I was so exhausted. Luckily the kids were too. We all crashed and went to sleep. I felt like a kid again. Being comforted by Grandma's love and peaceful presence.
The morning came and we were greeted with pancakes and eggs. She fixed each of us our eggs individually how we liked them cooked. Do you know how long that takes for 5 people? A long time! What patience! Breakfast is the best with grandma.
I love her bluntness. If she doesn't like something she'll tell you. I offered her a chocolate chip cookie I had made once and she said, "I'll only eat it if it has at least 3 chocolate chips in it. If it doesn't have at least 3 chocolate chips in it than it is not worth the calories." I laughed and said "OK Grandma. I'll make sure it has lots of chocolate chips:)"
Grandma loves walks. We walked with the kids and talked. We visited Grandpa's tree they planted for him when he died. We went to the movies. We went out to eat. We relaxed. We hiked. We tried to fit all we could in. Grandma tried to make sure we were entertained the entire time. But we could have been fine just sitting there. Just a blast to be with her.
When it came time to leave Grandma looks at her watch. She tells you she'll call you at a certain time. You better answer or all of her finger nail will be gone. You better be home in the time frame she gives you too. She will worry if you are not. It is always sad to leave. A part of you always wants to stay. A part feels like that place is home. She is just that special.
Being with my patient and seeing all of his grandchildren come to visit him for the last time really struck a chord with me. I have been taking care of him on and off for about 2 years now. Some of these people I have never seen. I am not faulting ANYONE. I know EVERYONE gets busy. Including me. It was so hard to look at them and see the look of regret in their eyes as they turned and looked at me and said, "There were so many times we were going to come out and visit but something always came up. We should have just come. I can't even remember why we didn't." My heart truly goes out to them. I love and care for that family so much.
Do you know it has been 3 years since I have been down to see grandma at her house? That is why I just kept driving. I didn't know she got knew carpet. (it looks great by the way.) I was so glad I got to see Grandma. She makes me so happy. She is so fun to be around. Such a comfort. She loves all of us unconditionally. Who wouldn't want to see her? She makes you laugh. She makes you smile. When you are with her you really don't have a worry in the world. So WHY NOT VISIT GRANDMA??? I don't know why it took me so long but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me by just spending 2 days with that lady. She is magical. She has a gift. She can make you feel loved like no one else can. I need to take advantage while I still can! she is absolutely amazing. I just can't say enough about her!!! WOW. I needed that. We all need that. She is just a remedy for a better life. I love her.
Family, If you have any stories about cute grandma please share. We all love her so much. She needs to know. What better way than to gush about her. For all you others out there.....gush about your loved one. They need to know:)
5 years and counting.....
Every year it comes and every year the same reaction. I shrink away from everyone and find some excuse to keep me busy and pray to get through the day without seeing any flashbacks of the actual day we reported him missing. For some reason, that day forever haunts my memories. That day was the day that changed the entire course of the way I would live my life. It changed the way I thought, it changed my relationships with people, it changed who I was as a person. My perfect little bubble I had been living in had just been burst. Reality of all reality soaked in that day. It is a day, I'd rather did not exist anymore.
But it does. So I make the best of it. I can't say hiding from it is the best way to handle something, but its all I got right now, ok?! :) As I am writing this post my hands are shaking and my stomach is sick and tide in a million knots. It still makes me so sick not knowing where he is. Saying I know he is with God is a lie. Because I don't know that 100%. I'm never entirely sure. As I have said before, and I'm sure all my family members can agree, no closure is pure torture. Although, many would like me to say, "I know he's with God." I just can't say that. I hope he is with God. I hope he is safe. I hope he is happy. I have faith that I will see him again. I have faith that all this happened for a reason. I have faith I will find that reason.
My heart goes out to all my extended family members who are suffering as well. I know they love Jesse very much too. I love them so very much and their support through all of this has been amazing.
I say 5 years and counting, but, trust me; we are not counting. We try to forget that this is even reality. We look at pictures though, and it seems the life we had with Jesse was in a different lifetime. It kind of was, now that I think about it. Life is so different with out him here. We are so different with out him here. A family changes so much when someone goes missing. And of course when someone dies. The dynamics of the family is off. It is hard to find balance again. I still feel our balance is off. No one is replaceable in a family. If you ever feel that way, I promise you, you are wrong. Everyone has their place. Everyone is needed. Your absence would be piercing. Just as Jesse's is.
We are finally planning his memorial for this July and are so excited to celebrate his life. As I tell people this, I am surprised that I still get surprised at some people's reactions. It is so hard when those you think will be there for you are not. It is so hard not to be angry. Some have already been turning the invitations down. Some are random excuses and others are the truth. "Why are you having a memorial? You haven't found his body?" or "This is too weird and awkward for me, I'm not going to come." I am grateful they are honest. I really am. But hurt all at the same time. Remember, we are not inviting the entire world, these are close friends and family. I'm trying to put myself in their position and see it from their point of view, but dang it! I would be there for my friends and family if they asked me to, no matter how awkward it was!!!
Ok. ok. ok. I'm done. I really love them and respect their decision. But WOW. You kind of suck for saying that.
But---I can see how they might not be ready like we are. Everyone grieves differently. This is an impossible situation with emotions you might not understand yourself. I get it. I really do. Still, as I have noticed with all funerals, deaths, and memorials, emotions run high and feelings always seem to get hurt. Expectations run high and outcomes can run low.
If you have never had someone go missing in your family, I can understand it could be impossible to understand. So this is why we are doing a memorial now instead of earlier or later. We didn't do it earlier because we weren't ready to. We still haven't given up hope. We don't want to do it later because we are afraid we won't be able to find all of Jesse's old friends to help celebrate his life. We are doing it now at the 5 year mark because we feel ready. Not because we have lost hope. But because we feel this is the time to celebrate who he was as a person. We feel we can still contact those who loved him and would want to celebrate his life with us. We need some kind of closure. Although in a missing person case, we know, there never truly is until a body is found.
We may never find Jesse's body. We may never know the true story of what happened to him. Whether he fell off a cliff, committed suicide, or was murdered, we may never know. But---we can get together as family and friends and support each other in celebrating his life. It may be uncomfortable for some but not regrettable. Being there for others always feels better than when you are not there for them.
The celebration will be held on July 11th, 2013. At Noah's in Lindon, Ut. All those who loved Jesse are welcome to attend. The beginning or 1st hour will be filled with a few talks on memories of Jesse and a lot of musical numbers. Because Jesse loved music. Following the program will be really good food with Mr. Miner (Jesse's 5th grade teacher) as the DJ and lots of dancing. Jesse's old band will also be playing at the celebration so you won't want to miss it. Thank you to all who are helping make this happen!!! It is taking a lot of my energy trying to figure all of this out!!!
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