Angel on Earth

Have you ever had somone in your life that you know would be there for you with out a shadow of a doubt?? Someone who would be on your side no matter what? (even if you were right or wrong) Defends you when you need defending, believes you when no one elses does, and loves you like you were their own child?

This person is my Aunt Carolyn. She is absolutely one of the most amazing women I have ever met. I am so glad that she is my aunt because I get to be a part of her life. She has seen my family through some really tough times and stuck with us every time.

Carolyn is crazy. A good crazy. A fun crazy. She is a fly by the seat of her pants kinda girl, has a laugh that can fill an entire room, and has the biggest heart I have ever seen. Carolyn loves EVERYBODY. That is my favorite quality of hers. If anyone in the family needs help Carolyn is ready for action.

I didn't tell the entire story when Jesse went missing. I made it appear that my mother went alone to Hawaii. She was not. An angel was sent with her as well. My Aunt Carolyn. The reason I did not mention her before is because just to mention her in this story would not be enough. The things she has done for my family have been life saving. She let us stay at her home while my parents were getting a divorce, she is always ready to help if you get sick;), and makes you laugh even when you think there is no way you'd be able to. I love her more than I think she will ever know. She saved my family when we were in crisis and needed help and a place to stay fast. She treated us like we were her own children. I can only hope I am like her one day.

I was 16 when my parents got divorced. Dispite the welcomed outcome I was devastated. I was heart broken. Being at Aunt Carolyns home made life peaceful again. She and uncle Bruce made me feel like I was a daughter to them. All my life I had struggled to feel that feeling, Thanks to them I was able to feel what it was like to have a father who loved truly and unconditionally. It was a very wonderful feeling. Thank you Bruce.

My mom would have never gone to Hawaii had it not been for Carolyn. She paid for everything. She is an amazing sister. While there, they passed out fliers, and searched day and night for him. And when the night came  and they were back in Jesse's apartment, it wasn't just my mom who scooped up all of Jesse's clothes on top of the bed. Carolyn too, piled some clothes on her side of the bed, tears welled in both their eyes. I'm sure no two sisters would think they would ever have to face the challenge to go looking for one of their sons together, not knowing if he was alive or not. The two together cried. They both lost their son.

I am so sorry for my mom and my aunt. The pain I have felt literally takes my breath away. For them, the pain must be unimaginable. I pray for them each day. I love you Aunt Carolyn. The love and compassion you have shown for my family  has not gone unnoticed. We are truly amazed by your giving and open heart. You would let the entire world in if you could. Thank you for all you have done for this family. You have saved us in so many ways. I'm sure you don't even know the impact you have had on me being a mother but, I look up to you very much. I love you completely, and wish you so much peace in your life.


I think it would be a great Idea to sit back and think of all the "angels" we have in our own life. But this time don't just think it. Tell them. Angels need pixie dust! (wait, maybe that's Tinkerbell) We all could use a boost sometimes. Too often, we find ourselves regretting not saying something when we had the chance. So here it is: I challenge all to tell your "angel" why they are, and what they have done to become an angel in your life. You need to say it AND They most definitely need to hear it.

I love you Auntie!!!     Thanks for being there for my family through thick and thin!        niki

Unconditional Love

This has been on my mind for quite some time and I have been so scared to write about it. Mainly for people's reactions. My intention is not to offend or challenge anyone's beliefs AT ALL. I believe in god with all my heart. I realize this is a sensitive subject. I am not talking about gay  rights.  I will NEVER talk politics on my blog. I HATE politics!!!! I am simply talking about unconditional love and the violence I have been hearing about in the news. please take this for how it was meant and not for some huge debate.

I saw the news the other day of a teenage boy nearly beaten to death because he was gay. He was not doing anything wrong. They just knew he was gay. My was heart broken to hear that the boy had been bullied almost his entire life for his lifestyle "choice".  He had been so courageous to stand tall and not hide who he was. He was not afraid to be his  authentic self. We are are taught to be individuals, open minded, but most of all we are taught to love all. Regardless of choice.

Never do I say everyone has to think the same way but I do think it would be nice if we could love the same way........unconditionally.

I myself am not gay. But my heart does go out to the gay community. I have often heard the word tolerance. When I hear the word I know it means: a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religions etc; differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry. All I hear in that is an unemotional way of saying "I can tolerate you." Now-a-days people have to do at least that if they want anyone to think they are any kind of a human being. My question is, Do they really mean it? Like I said before , so many people are just going along with whatever everyone else is brave enough to speak out and say. We, the ones who NEVER, speak out, need to have a voice. I have found if I let myself be a little more open minded, a little less judgmental. and a whole lot more compassionate; I feel better inside. No book or lecture could convince me otherwise. Loving everyone for exactly who they are is pure love in its true form.

The people who are least  understood need the most love. They are the hardest to get along with, the ones who will do their best to push you away, and the ones who need you the most. I see all the violence and hatred in the world and it makes me fear for my own family. If my son were gay and got the treatment some of these people were getting treated I would be so heartbroken. I hope we as mothers  raising our children can raise them in the attitude of love not tolerance.

A child doesn't want tolerance he wants love. He needs to know it unconditionally. By all his peers. I think sometimes it is the adult, not the child , who needs to grow up. Start from scratch, and learn unconditional love.

Well this is my first time talking about this publicly and I have no idea how any of my family members feel about this. I believe we were all sent to this life to be tested to our very limits. I believe we were sent here to love EVERYONE. I never heard god say tolerate them, but I did hear him say love them. He also said it was not for me to judge but that it was for him to judge.

The world is an amazing place with amazing blessing all around us. Don't get yourself entangled in the politics of life when what really matters is what is standing in your front door, jumping up and down, waiting for you to come home.
                                    Live Honestly, Laugh Whole Heartedly, Love Unconditionally


 I realize I my opinions are not yours but I truly feel all should be equal in unconditional love in this world. I support those who agree with me and understand those who don't.

Feature of the week

This blog has so many random subjects. I never know what is going to be written next.  Whatever I am feeling or think I want to talk about, that is what goes up. 

Eventually, I want this blog to feature one missing person a week. I want to feature their story and help spread the word about their loved one's disappearance. I think it has been so good for my family and I to FINALLY have a conversation about my brothers disappearance. You might call it on-line therapy, I call it getting real. It is so refreshing when you finally break through someone's shell and get to know the "real" person.

With my brother going missing the silence was almost deadly. First, he went missing. Second, you don't know what to think. So we as a family, tried to think positively and almost pretend he was just still living. Most appeared to go about their lives unphased by the situation. Third, we did not talk about it. We may have scratched the surface here and there, but mostly, it was just too painful to get into. The wounds are so deep. The tears so hard to control. the emotion so powerful.

My friend Emily came over to chat yesterday. LOVE her!!! She had just come back from Kauai, Hawaii. She felt she needed to talk to me and had been trying to get a hold of me but sometimes I'm not very easy to get a hold of;) Technology and me are not friends. After calling me for a few days she just showed up at my door. (I love that she loves she enough to be persistent.) I'm telling you, get a good group of friends. They will save you when you are down.

She told me how her trip went and that she went on the kololoa  trail. She told me how beautiful the island was and how much fun her and her husband had. They went on a boat ride around the island and by all the cliffs and the tour guide told of a legend.

Many people have died off the kololoua trail. The cliffs there are so dangerous. The legend says that those who fall of those cliffs live on into the eternities and bring the island all its beauty. 

I know there is more to the legend but it is something like that. Emily said she felt stupid but the story touched her so much that she got a little emotional. This surprisingly comforted me.The thought that he could be at rest is a great comfort. There is a  99.9999999% chance that that is the case. I just have that nagging .1111111% chance that he is still alive. And  that still pulls at me evey now and again. 

The tour then took them to this "dangerous" beach by the kololoua trail. Here you can build a rock type tower  in honor of a loved one who has passed on. She could have built one for anyone she wanted. She built one for Jesse. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. Shocked by my own emotions, I tried to regain the words to form in my mouth, "Wow. Ummm...Thank you...." I whispered. I bowed my head and began to sob. She came over and gave me a big hug. We both sat and cried for a moment. I pulled back and said, "Thank you for doing what I cannot do yet. I am just not ready to go there." She smiled. She understood why. She got emotional and she never knew him. GREAT! I'm gonna be a wreck:)

CURSE THIS WEEK! I am a crying MESS!!! Don't worry I got it under control. They have all been happy tears, I think:)

I have the next feature of a missing person coming up. He is just like Jesse in so many ways. His mother is still desperately searching for him. He went missing in Kauai, Hawaii a few years ago. I will be keeping all posted when his story is up. When it is up, Please spread the word. This family could use all the help they can get.                                                 Thanks, niki

Facing My Demons

My New Year's resolution was, for once, not to loose weight. It was to face my demons. I know I have mentioned this before. I have just felt my demons around me a little more this week.

I shut god out of my life for so long I sometimes think I have forgotten how to pray. I sometimes feel scared to pray. Like somehow I will be rejected by the one person who has always been there for me. I know I  have felt alone and afraid. I know I have felt completely abandoned. I know on the days I didn't get up in the morning he carried me through the day and into the night. I know he has been there for me even when I didn't ask him to be.

Prayer is one of my demons. I need god in my life. Spirituality is the key to my inner happiness. There is always a voice telling me I am not good enough. Not good enough to pray that day. Too tired, too sad, too upset. In this process I realized prayer wasn't one of my demons, Prayer is my saving grace.

That "Voice" is one of my demons. That voice tells me I can't do the things deep down I know I can. That voice discourages me not to leave the house and makes my day a living nightmare. That voice is poison and I listen to it more often than I should. That voice has, surprisingly, made me strong.

Strength. That voice has given me strength. That voice has literally given me a pair of boxing gloves and put me in the ring of the most difficult circumstances and made me face them. Made me stare at them. Made me fight them. I have learned I may loose my footing, I may have gotten knocked down, but if I endure and keep fighting, in the end, I always win.

When I hear that voice telling me I am not good enough, I can swing back and do something amazing. Like love my kids unconditionally.  When that voice tells me I look like crap and it is not even worth getting dressed for the day, I can give it an upper cut and get ready for the day and take the kids to play at the park. Little things to fight back the thoughts can move mountains. When the voice tells me I am fat and says I shouldn't be seen on public. I make a swift high kick to their stomach and that voice is one their knees. I am out with my friends for dinner having a blast. Fighting back all the thoughts I have and never giving in to the thought that I am not good enough for anything feels amazing.  Thinking I am not good enough is simply untrue. Fighting back feels absolutely amazing! (Kick boxing classes are a great way to blow off steam.)

Endurance. Endurance is my life's fatigue. I hear "Endure to the end" and I think we are on this road trip that never ends. ARE WE THERE YET??? I now say, "Endure the minute, then the hour, then the day. Tomorrow will be better". Being positive in the moment is so much better than enduring to the end. We get there one step at a time. Moment by moment. Seeing the picture piece by piece. The Masterpiece is always in the making. Always in the process. I just have to enjoy the work.

Work. I have worked approximately nine years raising my kids and a single statement from my four year old little boy has given me fuel for the next nine years. I was laying next to my little Landon and as he was falling asleep he slowly closed his eyes and softly smiled. He brushed his tiny hand across my face and looked up at me with his brilliant blue eyes that melt my heart. He slowly said, "Mommy, you are the best mommy I ever had!" I was so surprised. I didn't even tell him to say that. NO COACHING INVOLVED!!!! Absolutely voluntary!! Love that little boy. I have fuel for life with that statement!!! That is why I am here. Those kids are my world.

For some reason or another, life has its ups and its downs. Sometimes I know why and sometimes I just can't put my finger on it. Demons or not, I have to think I get stronger each time I am put in that boxing ring. Not matter how many times I get knocked down, the point is.....I get up. Doesn't matter how, doesn't matter that it wasn't pretty, it just matters that I did.

Get up, look it in the eyes, and beat the $#%$#%$ out of it!                     

ADDICTION!!!

ADDICTION DISCLAIMER:
          As alway this is my blog, my opinion, and my silly way of venting on life's twists and turns. I truly am so sorry if I offend ANYONE. But, let's just be honest....it's your fault you keep reading;)

Ever since I can remember I have struggled with addiction in one way or another. In my battle with addiction I have learned that most addicts have the same problem. They struggle with what most of us struggle with....balancing life.  Instead of reaching out for help, they turn to something unhealthy to help them cope with life. 

When I say "unhealthy" I mean ANYTHING used in EXCESS and for the wrong reasons. So let's get into the fun stuff shall we???

"Hi. My name is Niki and I am an addict." WOW. That sucked and feels good to say all at the same time. I am addicted to food.......OK---I bet you thought I was going to say drugs or alcohol, but, let me explain...

I think addiction is so much more than using drugs, drinking alcohol, or taking pills. For me it is 100% emotional.

Since I have started this blog I have been completely open and honest about all of my struggles. Depression, anxiety, suicide, guilt, grief, pain, loss, and now addiction. This all seems like such a long list but, I can honestly sit back and smile right now and tell you I am happy and in a really great place. I only am able to share my thoughts because I was able to get help from the professionals I so desperately needed.

I knew my eating was either out of control or simply non-existent. I know I have a warped body image of myself. Despite knowing I have a warped perception of myself  hasn't stopped me from struggling with bulimia and anorexia. (those are 2 completely different posts.) Never in my life would I have thought to treat my eating like an addiction. Until one day I was listening to a woman speak and she stated that she was addicted to food. I thought to myself, "Ummmmmm.......of course you are, you idiot!! If you weren't, you'd be dead." Then she explained something I will never forget. She looked down and said, "I don't eat when I'm hungry, in fact, I don't even know what hungry feels like anymore. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm mad. I eat when I'm depressed. I eat  to hide what I am feeling. Food is my comfort. Food has always been there for me." I looked at her and her eyes began to tear up. I realized mine had too. She spoke again, "Food is always there for me when I need it, food never lets me down, food never judged me for my weaknesses.I eat so I don't have to feel the pain anymore." I hugged her for a very long time. I cried with her until it was time for us to part ways. As she left I didn't see the same person. She was beautiful. How did I not see this before? I realized it was because  I was seeing her. Not the outer shell of the person she was,  but her.

I thought A LONG TIME about what she said to me. How many of us have addictions and we don't even realize it? I realized my stresses and struggles were not as different than the other people taking drugs and alcohol and using pills to "numb" the pain they are going through. Of course I realize drugs are illegal and I'm not justifying anyone's actions. I am simply stating that abuse is abuse. An addict is an addict. We all need support. We all need love. The last thing we need.....others judgement

There is a family that we know of who has had more than their fair share of trials. (In truth, this story is a big reason as to why I have not blogged as much as I usually do.) I like  to think I'm pretty accepting of  other peoples' life style's and beliefs. So when I hear stories like this it makes me so sad.  

This particular family had a daughter who was 18 and committed suicide 1 year ago today. Needless to say, they were having a bad day. A lot of people just don't know what to say in those situations. I don't blame them for feeling awkward. I would too. But WHATEVER you do, don't go out of your way to avoid them!!!
 If  you think they won't notice....think again.

A lady went out of her way to offer any comfort she could on such a difficult day. Onlookers saw this gesture and later came up to the woman who had  offered comfort and stated that they could not believe she was talking to the other woman. Due to the ladys' background and current problems she was quite the "downer" to be around. People did not want to be around her. She was not the easiest person to get along with but was someone who needed a friend desperately. This family  had many problems ranging from drug abuse, addiction, and suicide. 

I was so disappointed that people would prejudge her because of her family situation. Even if someone is struggling  with those things we should be ready and willing to help if we are able. I totally get if, mentally, you just can't handle them. But, if it is a convenience thing......that's just sad. This family also has another teenager struggling with depression , addiction, and attempted suicide. I would think that the opposite  would have happened. People would want to help. People would want to  go out of their way to say hello. I was wrong. 

I have learned you can't control what life gives you. Life is always a big adventure waiting to happen. BUT, you can control how you respond to what life gives you .I have said this before and I will say it again, I have a fabulous group of girlfriends. There is not one person who pretends to have it all together. I love it. Had I not had the support from them and my best friend Kirt, I would not be here today. 

Addiction is way of coping, I have found if I would just face my demons and not use my addictiom to bock out my problem it made my life better. Facing your demons seems so much harder than it relly is.

When it comes to addiction, you are blocking something out. You are hiding from something. There is something you do not want to deal with. If you are an addict you are prolonging the inevitable. One day you will have to face your demons. 

Well ladies and gentlemen........as I have said before, This is the year I am facing my demons! One of them is my addiction to food.

Kirt and I are in a friendly competition of loosing weight the "HEALTHY" way.  If kirt wins he gets what every guy wants every day, for an entire month!!!...............................................................
YES LADIES  THAT IS MOTIVATION FOR ME!!! I HAVE TO WIN!!! I AM NOT UP FOR THAT!! If I win, I get a lump of cash that I can spend on ANYTHING! No questions asked. Can you imagine the possibilities??? Needless to say, Kirt is pretty motivated too. He is pretty scared as to what I might buy. A trip, a cruise, or maybe......BOOBS!!!  Hahahahahah!!!!  NO...... Kidding...........I guess time will tell;)

In all seriousness, addiction is so common and some of us may not even realize we are addicted. Moderation in all things. Striving to find balance in life and that inner peace. I love that I have an awesome family and extended family. They love me through the good, the bad, the crazy, and the fun. Don't push people away, let people in. Be more open about your problems and others will about theirs. You will find better truer friends that way. 

 Live your best life, Laugh with true friends, Love Yourself                         niki

Love Him!

Today is V-Day! In other words Valentines Day. I say V-Day because I think of the word Veteran. That is what my Grandpa Ogden was. He was a world war two veteran. I know there is an actual Veteran's Day but I think of my Grandpa Ogden on this day because Valentine's Day reminds me of the day we celebrate those we hold the most dear and close to our hearts. My Grandpa Ogden is one of those people. 

Grandpa Ogden was a simple man. That was his charm. He was usually never seen without his hat and was always up for a game of Skip-BO. Sleepovers at Grandma and Grandpas' were the best. Grandpa would always wake up early to take his daily nature walk. He would nudge you just once to see if you wanted to come and then leave (You had to move quick if you wanted to keep up with Grandpa). They lived near the mountains and even as a small child I knew there was something special about Grandpa. 

While on our walks, on many occasions, grandpa would be able to come within a few feet of some of the deer we would see. He had a peace about him that made everyone around him feel happy and safe. I imagine that is why he was able to get so close to so many of the wildlife we would see.

Every morning Grandpa would make eggs for breakfast. He would make them any way you wanted them. I ALWAYS wanted mine over easy. I swear to you, to this day, I have never had a better egg than when Grandpa cooked them for me. We would have eggs, orange juice, and Grandpa would have his morning Diet Pepsi!!! 

I laugh every time I see a diet pepsi. They had stacks of that stuff so they would never run out. I will still buy a can of diet Pepsi every now and then just to smell it. Grandpa's breath always smelled of diet pepsi. Whenever Grandpa would let out one of his big laughs I could smell his breath and it would smell like diet pepsi. So when I smell Diet Pepsi it takes me back into the memory of Grandpa and his big, loud, fun, and contagious laugh.

After breakfast, if it was Saturday, we would ALWAYS go to the swap meet. That was an adventure. That was the best place to find the best junk. (treasure) We shopped there for hours and sometimes bought just one thing. It was always an adventure. Grandpa was always so patient. I only realize it now because I have kids. I always took forever to make a decision but he never rushed me. I'm always telling my kids, "Hurry up!!! We gotta go!!" 

After that we'd pick out some rocks from the street and put them in the rock polish machine. While the rock polish machine was going we'd watch a John Wayne movie. If the rocks weren't shiny and polished by the end of the movie we'd walk to the gas station and get some candy.....I ALWAYS got a slap stick. When we got back we'd make the polished rocks into a necklace or a ring. 

Then it was time for CARDS!!! We had our choices...Skip-BO, no peeKee, dominos, and so much more. Grandpa was always trash talking and with good reason. He always won. He was soooooooo good. And boy could he shuffle. After cards it was off to the park to feed the ducks. Man......now that I think about it.......this guy was like the energizer bunny. I would not be able to do all of this in one day with kids. But this is all true. He and grandma would fit all this in in one day. Crazy huh?!

He was so much fun but also had a soft quiet side that loved to fish. He could sit in the silence for hours and be completely comfortable. I, on the other hand, am the total opposite. I am loud and obnoxious. He reluctantly took me fishing because I begged for over a year for him to take me. We got to the spot we were going to fish at and were there for ten minutes. I dropped a rock in the pond and grandpa grabbed all the gear and took me home. He promised he would never take me fishing again. And let me tell you......he was a man of his word. He never took me fishing again!!! Don't mess with grandpa and his fishing!

We always hated it when we had to leave grandma and grandpa's house. But we always knew we were welcome whenever we wanted to come over. He was a second father to all of his grandchildren. He was an example to me and helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life. 

Nothing is more important to a daughter than knowing her father adores her. Not knowing that from my own father has been a struggle for me. My grandpa truly saved me. I know he adored me. I think Grandpa Ogden was a father to all of the extended family. He was just that amazing.

I think Valentines Day is about celebrating those who are the most important in your life. You don't have to have a "Significant Other", or a date, or a romantic evening planned. I think it is a great day to reflect on how grateful you are for those in your past and present who have impacted your life for the better. 

Take the day to reflect on those who you are closest to your heart and tell them how much they mean to you. You never know how much they might need to hear it.

Compliment

I have been having mixed emotions about this blog this past week. I have felt so vulnerable by sharing all my crazy stories about post pardum depression, anxiety, and just challenges in general.

I was about to give into my fears and just take the entire blog down until I recieved a tiny comment from my cousin that meant the world to me. She basically gave me a compliment telling me she liked what I was doing and that it was helping her. I was floored. I couldn't believe the timing of her comment, let alone what it was about. It said everything I was feeling insecure about. It gave me hope and a reason to keep the blog up. Not long after that I got a call from my mother. She told me the lady we had been trying to get in contact with about her missing son finally responded. She told me the lady was so excited about what we were doing and was ready to write her story. She will have the story of her missing son posted on the blog later this week. She is still looking for him and will use any way to get the word out on his disappearance. I am so excited to be able to help in any way I can.

This is what this post is about......a little compliment can go a long way. Quite often, we as women don't give ourselves enough credit for the amazing things we do. More importantly, we need to let each other know how great we think we are. Had my cousin not complimented me today I probably would have taken my blog down and missed out on the chance to help out on another missing persons' case. I would've regretted taking down this blog and luckily because someone took the time to say a little sentence to me it made a HUGE difference.

I have realized in my life that you never know what goes on behind closed doors. A person may look and act like they have it all together on the outside but on the inside they could be a complete mess. Don't ever compare yourself to others. You never know when that certain someone needs a friendly smile or a phone call just to say "hi". If you find yourself thinking of someone else and the thought crosses your mind to call them......call them. If you see some one and think, "Wow. She looks really pretty today." Tell her. If you see someone looking sad, ask them if you can do anything for them.

I have found all these thoughts have crossed my mind before but how often do I actually act on them??? We as women need to support each other. I am making it my goal this week to act upon the thoughts that cross my mind. If I think someone looks cute, I'm going to tell them. If someone looks sad, I'm going to see what I can do to help, If I find I keep thinking of someone, I'm going to call and check on them. I encourage all of you to do the same.

I am so grateful my cousin acted on her feelings and gave me, what may have seemed like a tiny compliment to her, but, it was GIGANTIC to me!!!  You never know how much a tiny compliment can mean to someone. Share what you think.

Anxiety

I have found that after my brothers disappearance I became extremely overprotective of my children. Watching my own mother struggle with not knowing where her own son disappeared to gave me serious doubt in the security of my own home.

My children are my world. I am so grateful I have them in my life. Their outlook on life is beautiful. They gave me the strength to push forward and live a good life. Each day is filled with a new adventure and I never know what to expect. I love everything about them. When my life took a wild turn my emotions went on overdrive...

"What is that noise? I think I heard a noise." I had awoke with a start. I could have sworn I heard something just outside my bedroom door. Jesse had been missing for 4 months now and I was sure one of my kids was next. I jumped out of bed and raced to Lexi's bedroom. Lexi was safe and sound in her bed. I then rushed to Chase's room. He too was safe in bed. Landon was still a newborn and sleeping in Kirt and I's bedroom at the time. I took a deep breath. My heart was racing. It was racing too fast. I was light-headed. I slowly knelled down and took a few more deep breaths. It felt like the walls were closing in on me. What was going on? My breath was not slowing. I sat and closed my eyes. I started to count. 1...2....3.......4..........5.........6............slowly my breath slowed and my heart rate returned to normal. Wow. What was that? I had never experienced anything like that before. I shrugged it off and went to bed. I was too tired to think of anything but sleep.

The next week went on as normal and nothing happened. Until the next week I awoke with a start and raced to the kids rooms again. The exact same thing happened. I checked on Lexi then Chase. Both were sleeping soundly. Except this time the walls closed in on me much faster. I slumped to the floor and curled into a ball. I was so scared. I didn't want to move. I was so nervous and I didn't know why. I felt a huge weight on my chest and started to breathe faster. Why was I feeling this way? What was going on? I started to count 1....2.....3......4..........5............6..........7..........8.........9.................10...........................
ok. This is not working. I started to take deep breathes to try and slow my breathing. I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth. This was helping. After about 5 minutes my body started to relax. I still didn't understand what this was but just thought I hadn't got enough sleep and went to bed.

The next few days were fine and I didn't have any problems. It wasn't until Kirt and I were supposed to go away for my birthday overnight that I really had a problem.

Kirt and I were finally getting away! I was so excited! My mom was there to watch the kids and we were almost out the door. My kids came running up to give us our final hugs and kisses goodbye. As I said goodbye to my tiniest baby Landon, my stomach started to twist. "Oh no! Not now!" I thought. Just like before the walls started to close in on me, my chest felt like I had a ton of bricks on it, and my heart began to race. I needed to sit down and fast.

On the outside I looked completely normal to everyone. On the inside I was a complete mess. On the inside I was freaking out. My hands were shaking. For some reason I was so scared to leave my kids. I was so sure they were going to go missing just like my brother did. This time it took about an hour for me to calm down. It was getting worse. I still didn't know what it was, but my mom thought it sounded like anxiety. I decided I needed to go see the doctor.

I went to the doctor and he recommended taking some long term medicine. (such as: zoloft, prozac, wellbutrin, etc.) to help prevent the attacks from happening. He then said he could give me other medicine to help if I had an actual attack that would work within 10 minutes or so. This medicine was called Adivan. Now I am a mother of 4. I need my energy. I tried that stuff and it wipes me out. I cannot take that stuff.

I am telling you all of this because there are all sorts of ways to help with anxiety. I have found some great ways to help with my anxiety. Like I said before, I can't take the strong stuff, I will sleep. I do believe there are cases that people need it. It's just not for me. So if you use it and it works for you that is great. I do use the medicine that prevents attacks from happening,(ex: zoloft, prozac, etc.), and it works great for me. I have had great success with that.

I'm going to put another disclaimer....This is my blog and completely my opinion. This is what has helped me and you should ALWAYS talk to a doctor before taking ANY medicine. I did talk to my doctor before I took this medicine and for me it was ok. That may not be the case for you.

There are two things I do use if I have an actual attack. If I feel an attack coming on I will take a melatonin quick dissolving tablet and it helps calm me down. Melatonin is a chemical the body releases to help you fall asleep at night. So this is an over the counter medicine you can just go get and is a natural way to help calm your body. It may make you tired but I have found if I am having an actual attack, it just helps me not have the attack. Another thing I will do is YOGA!! I love it and it has made a huge difference in my life. Doing yoga everyday will help you keep your body calm and in control. Try it. You will be surprised at how much better you will feel.

I have had so many friends talk to me about having anxiety. It is a very real thing. I hope that by sharing that I have struggled with it, it helps others know they are not alone. Anxiety is a very common thing. More people have it than you would ever think. I found the longer I stayed in the house the more and more anxious I became about leaving the house. I think most people, at one point or another, will experience anxiety in their lifetime. Whether it is at work, with friends, or at home, we all have stress. Stress can easily make you anxious. Exercise, medicine, or just talking about it is a great way to help anyone who needs help with anxiety.

You should never be worried about what others think of you. Anxiety is so common. Most people have experienced it in some way shape or form. Talk about it and get help. It does get better. Remember......You are a normal person going through a hard time. Love yourself:)

I Promise...

I Promise

My promise is simple

My love deep

My devotion strong

I promise love;

love in good

love in bad

love in crazy

I promise friendship;

  A friend to talk

A friend to laugh

A friend to cry

I promise faith;

Faith throughout trials

Faith in God

Faith in you

Faith in us

I promise to understand;

Understand, that life is what we make of it

Understand, that love is unconditional

Understand, when things just don't make sense

I promise a Lifetime;

A lifetime of challenges

A lifetime of memories

A lifetime of increasing love for you

Finally, I promise Eternity;

Eternally true

Eternally loved

Eternally yours

 

                                       
"For anyone who has found their one and only"            By: niki:)

Homeless...

What do you think when you see a homeless person on the streets asking for money? I am a woman doomed to have a guilty conscience. So, if I have money in my purse I will give it to whoever holds up a sign. If  I can't help that way, I might buy them a meal or give them a blanket. Doesn't matter what they look like, act like, or even if they've been there for three months holding the same sign...I'm gonna give them money. This drives my husband crazy. I know what a lot of people think. They think, "He's using it on drugs or alcohol." and I don't blame anyone for thinking that. (a lot of the time it is true). But, How do you know who needs it and who doesn't? Unless you have time to do detective work, you don't know. My philosophy, "Better safe than sorry". That may not be yours, but like I said, I am a woman cursed with a guilty conscience. Kirt was determined to cure me of this.

One day, years ago, Kirt and I went to California for a vacation with some friends. We decided to go to Tijuana, Mexico to shop for some good deals. We got there early and all the girls were told not to give any money away. If we did we could run the risk of having a swarm of kids follow us through town the entire time we were there. Right when we got into town, the cutest little boy came to us. He could only have been 5. Nothing was said but the word "please". He held his tiny fingers out and I noticed the boy was very dirty and his clothes had holes everywhere. My heart sank. I went to dig in my purse but was cautioned against it. They didn't want to cause a swarm of kids coming around us when we had just arrived. My eyes filled with tears but I listened and took my hand out of my purse. I smiled at the boy. His face is still imprinted in my brain. He looked at me and his eyes sank. His eyes were a beautiful dark brown that touched my heart. 6 adults and one child. I could tell the boy was tired. He slowly walked away. He went over to his mother sitting not far from us and sank deep into her chest. The mother held him while he cried.

I turned away with tears streaming down my face I went to finish the shopping that seemed so pointless now. We were there for a couple of hours and I did not see one child. No one asked us for money. Just the little boy from earlier. I was so upset. Kirt gave in. It wasn't worth the fight. I would win so he just said, "Go find him".

As we were leaving, I searched for the boy. I was ready to give him some money. There was no curing me. I'm doomed to give money away whenever possible. I went to the place where we first saw him. He was nowhere to be found. My heart sank. I searched for 15 minutes but I could not find him. He was gone. I cried all the way back to the hotel. My guilty conscience was going to be the end of me.

Here's what I think when I see a homeless person. I think, that is someone's son. That is someone's daughter. What would I hope for if my son were on the streets and needed help? I would hope they gave him the benefit of the doubt.

I think of Jesse and not knowing where he is. Every time I give someone money I think of him. Most likely he is dead and I'm not ever going to see him in this lifetime. But, if he was alive and he did need help and food. If he was alone and afraid. I pray every night that someone would give him a warm meal. Someone would give him shelter. Someone would give him the benefit of the doubt. 

I think of the mother's out there that could have that same prayer for their child who is on the streets. Praying that someone could help them and give them hope. I may give my money to a the wrong person but I never want to risk not giving it to the right person. I can't judge who needs help. All I can do is help when I can. In return I hope that if Jesse or someone like Jesse ever needed help, they would see past the dirty clothes and ragged appearance and help him.

Help when you can.....you never know if they are the one a family is missing.

Why do I care???

This post is dedicated to my cute cousin Corie....I seriously don't know how you do it!!  

I live in Mama Town USA. The moms out here are fabulous!!! How do they do it all? I am popping energy drinks left and right just trying to keep up with my crazy boys. I talk to so many women who volunteer for the school PTA and each child's classroom. On top of that they are the appointed soccer mom, on the school board, do crafts everyday with their kids, eat only organic food, and I think some of them can even fly.

Why do I care??? I constantly find myself comparing me to them. How does she do it all? Where was I when mom of the year lessons were going on? I am always forgetting things, dang it! Well ladies and gentlemen if you are new to the blog, lets just say I don't always have things together.

I will often ask my kids, "what is mommy best at?" and they have the answer memorized, they will say in unison, "forgetting things." Of course they smile and think it is funny but sometimes I really bother myself with how forgetful I can be.  I forget doctors appointments, I forget dance lessons, I forget soccer games......I'm a walking forgetting mess. I listened to my friend tell me how she was so upset she was at herself for forgetting her child's Dr. appt. (Because she forgot they ended up being a little late.) I bit my lip and smiled. I thought, "Wow. I must really be a bad mom. First, I am ecstatic that I remembered the appt. 2nd, if we are on time......wait that NEVER happens.

Today was a cleaning day. Landon and Beckham stayed in their jammies all day. Did I feel bad? Yes. Why? Because everybody else dresses their kids and does their hair perfectly, everyday. (NOT!) I need to keep up appearances. What would they think of me if my house was a mess and my kids were in their jammies??? 

I find myself in the same cycle every mother can easily find herself in. The comparing game. Here's how it works: I compare your greatest strengths to my weaknesses. They win every time. Why do I care? I used to be so confident. Now I've got four little children running around and I think, "What am I doing? I don't know how to be a mother?" I need lessons. Not the ones they can actually teach in class.....I need individual lessons for each one of MY children. They are all so different and respond so opposite to each other depending on the latest technique I've read about.

I can't read the "be a better mommy" books. Why? Because when I read it all I think is, "I'm doing everything wrong!! I really am a crappy mommy". So when someone asks me if I have read one of those evil books I say, "No. Although, I did read all the Harry Potter and Twilight books. They were awesome!" I get weird looks and I can't imagine why.....ha!

To all you mothers out there.....WHY DO WE CARE??? I'm never going to win if I compare myself to you. I'm cruel about myself and think the world of others. It is a lose lose situation. As I sit and look at my cute kids I think. What do I do right? I play with them everyday. (I'm a little kid trapped in an adults body.) I give them hugs when they are sad, I laugh with them when they are funny, and I love them unconditionally. They are my world. That is priceless. No book can teach you how to give hugs and show love. We have that naturally programmed into us. When your child was born you became an amazing mother. You love them and are there when they need you. That is all that matters. The greatest gifts we can receive in this life are completely free. No missed doctor's appt. or soccer game will take that away.

Give yourself a break. You are trying your best. Who cares if your house is a little messy and the kids aren't completely ready for the day. Did you love them today? Yes? Well then, you have just made their day. Kids are so simple. Don't make it complicated. If I walk in someone's house and it is messy, I love them so much more. I think, "OH! She is human. She doesn't always have things perfect". 

Lets get real. I feel like a walking disaster waiting to happen. I walk into a grocery store (Wal mart) and I swear the kids plan the attack in the car. As we walk in, all four children sprint in 4 different directions. The next thing I know the clothing rack is on top of Beckham, Chase and Landon have found their 12 pack of pop they want me to buy, and lexi is running back with a dress she has to have. In 3 minutes I have had it and am leaving while the entire store stares as the crazy woman with 4 children walks out.

Don't compare your weaknesses to others strengths. I have found that if you just talk to them they think the same thing you think of them. HOW DO YOU DO IT???

Words Left Unsaid Hurt The Very Most...

My Hero

By Jenna Pinegar

  Everyone says you don't know what you have til it's lost...  Well, I did.  I was the little sister that annoyed, bugged and teased until Jess would push me off of him in the high school hallways yelling "JENNA!  I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!  STOP HUGGING ME!"  I couldn't help it.  I adored my brother. 
  Sundays were my favorite day of the week.  Jesse would pound on my bedroom door making the most obnoxious sounds followed by me jumping on him saying hello and us going up to dinner with our amazing family.  He fiddled on the piano and I made up songs.  I knew life would never get better than those moments.  I took in the time we had together because it was about those little moments and I loved every second.  
  I was the last to talk to my brother.  I remember all of us passing the phone around like we did occasionally while he was in Hawaii.  He called a lot while he was there because he got lonely.  A few times a week we talked a couple times a day.  Our last conversation was sweet and I don't regret a thing-only that I can't say it again and again.  Jesse told me he was going on one more hike and he would be back in a week.  I told him I loved him like crazy.  "You're my hero, Jess.  I love you so dang much-you have no idea."  Jesse just laughed at me, but I meant it. 
  That moment still echoes in my memory.  I still hold onto it.  Jesse has been my hero since I was a little kid.  I have looked up to him all my life.  What do you do when it all slips through your fingers?  When your life shatters right before your eyes and you have no answers? 
  I felt a change as the week went on.  Something was wrong.  I had nightmares.  I told my sister, Niki, and she had them, too.  And you know the story from there. 
  Time has passed and the pain is not any less.  I still hurt everyday.  I miss my superman, but his memory gets me through the ache and I somehow make it.  I can hear him in the back of my mind telling me it really isn't that bad. 
  I lost one of my best friends.  Literally.  LOST.  Where he went, I do not know.  But I hope if anyone gets anything from this it's that you take the moments you have with people you love and savor them because you may lose them.  Overuse the words "I love you."  Tell people how incredible you think they are.  Words left unsaid hurt the very most.
  I miss my Jesse.  I always will...  But in the moments spent with him I found that you can truly be grateful for what you have and never want anything else.  And if I had one wish--it would be to have him back. 
 
Thanks for reading. 

Jenna

Post Pardum Depression and the Robot

           I have been in contact with my cute cousin and realized how much this subject needs talked about. This is dedicated to my mommy who is the best example of a mother. She never gives up, she is constantly there for you, and loves you unconditionally. This is my personal experience with post pardum depression. It is brutely honest but meant for the purpose to help others to start the conversation. Do not read this post if you do not want want to hear me speak bluntly. Do not read if you are a younger reader. I'm going to put a little disclaimer that after you read this I hope you don't think less of me but simply think I was a normal person going through some really crappy things and didn't handle them well and didn't do what a lot of us don't do. I didn't ask for help. Speak out and get help. There should be no shame in getting help. I was ashamed and nearly died from PPD. I am so scared to share this, but if this helps one person then it will be worth it. So here goes.....


        I'm a happy person. I love to laugh. I love people. I love to joke around and have fun with friends. NEVER in my life would I have thought I would struggle with depression. Let alone right after having a baby. A miracle I had looked forward to my entire life. I had 3 children and had had post pardum before. Each baby I had, it got worse. My husband and I's marriage had also struggled through the first year of each baby as well. Not terribly, but enough that it made him terrified to ever have another child each time we did end up having one.
       Right after I had my third baby Landon, Jesse went missing two weeks later. I was obviously beyond depressed about that but add post pardum depression to that and you have a recipe for disaster....
       I actually thought this time around I was doing pretty well. I wasn't as depressed as I was with previous babies and was loving little baby landon. When news spread about Jesse going missing the floor seemed to shatter beneath me. I usually get post pardum for a number of reasons but I have found that being inside so much drives me crazy! I love the outdoors and love to run. Take those endorphins away and I'm a mess. I need that release. But, I'm a worrier. I worry about everything. I don't want my kids to get sick when they are first born and I never want to leave their side until they are at least six months old. I am torn between both wants and needs. I end up staying inside the house for weeks at a time taking care of kids and forget about leaving the house and before I know it, I've been inside the house for 3 weeks and I'm really stir crazy. Depression sets in and it takes a while to pull myself out of it. By the time I'm depressed I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to see anyone. Not because I don't like people but because I know I'd be no fun to be around and the thought of leaving the house is overwhelming. Getting dressed for the day feels overwhelming. I could dress the kids and take care of them but as for me.....forget it.
           I felt so dark inside. I didn't want to be near myself. I would cry alone a lot. My thoughts were not good ones. They were ones of self hatred and feelings of little self worth. I thought my kids deserved a better mother and my husband a better wife.
         Soon I felt like a robot. I would get up in the morning feed the kids, turn on some cartoons and stare at the wall. I remember one day lexi was calling my name and it sounded like she was so far away. I knew she wasn't. She was standing right in front of me. I had been staring at the wall for I don't know how long, and she had been asking me the same question over and over. I just couldn't understand the question. It was like I was floating above her and seeing this exchange between her and I happen but I was not present for the conversation. I kept trying to answer but I just kept staring. Finally she clapped her hands right in front of me and I blinked. I was suddenly back into reality. I looked at her and started crying. My poor little girl. So little. She was Jesse's favorite, she missed him too. I didn't know what to do or say. I never thought in a million years I would face these kind of challenges. I couldn't function. I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her so much. But I was still a program running on auto. I was in survival mode. I didn't know any other way and I was too proud to ask for help even though I desperately needed it.
          That same year I got a terrible MRSA infection. This infection nearly killed me. After 2 surgeries and being on IV medication. I was sleeping most of the day. I had a PICC line in my right arm and the infection was in my left arm and had gotten into my lymph nodes. (that's bad) I was really sick and kirt was now Mr. Mom. The kids would no longer go to me because they had to be very careful when they were around me and we had to make sure they were cleaned thoroughly after they touched me so they wouldn't get infected either. MRSA is basically a staff infection that is resistant to a lot of antibiotics and is very hard to get rid of and has been known to kill a lot of people. I was very lucky to be alive. After I got news I needed a third surgery, I became even more depressed than before. It had now been 3 months of me sick with the infection, 3 months of me laying in bed on IV medication, and I had missed three months of my newborns life. I felt like the worst mother ever.
         I had gotten to the point where I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was completely useless. I felt like EVERYONE would be better off without me. I was in such a dark place. I have so much empathy for those who have committed suicide or have attempted suicide. If I can say one thing.....I was not in my right frame of mind. I was severely depressed and my thoughts were not my own. Something else was there too. Something was telling me I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve to be happy. I didn't deserve to live. It would be a relief if I was just done with this life. I have heard people say "Suicide is such a selfish thing for someone to do to their family." From someone who has been there, I believe most people's intentions are never selfish. They truly believe life would be better without them in it. They are such tortured souls. To hate yourself that much that you would go as far as to kill yourself. It is the worst feeling I have ever felt and I am so grateful I only felt it for a short time. Had I felt it for years I don't know how I would handle it. Not to say that I think committing suicide is ok. I definitely don't think it is ok. I have just found that as soon as I judge someone on something I end up doing the exact same thing they did or worse. Never judge, or it comes back to bite with a vengeance.
      So I was that person. I said suicide was selfish. I said suicide was meant to hurt others. Here's the "comes back to bite with a vengeance" .
     After being depressed for six months with post pardum and Jesse missing, then being sick for 3 of those six months, I had had it. I was on so many antibiotics I couldn't even keep them straight. We kept trying new ones to see if they worked. I thought it was never going to end. I just kept getting more and more depressed. (later we found out from our pharmacist that the medication I was on actually ate up all other medication I was taking. That meant all depression medicine. It was as if I just stopped taking my depression medicine cold turkey.) That was why I kept getting more and more depressed. My mind began to think horrible things about myself. I hated myself and began not wanting to live anymore. (I am not proud of any of this. This is the hardest thing I have ever done is write this post and I still don't know if I will have the courage, strength, or whatever you need to post this.) I truly was a robot. I did not think or feel anything towards the end. Everything was a task I needed to finish. I knew I thought life would be better without me so  I knew what I needed to do next....
         I got some pills and crushed them up. I had a PICC line. (That is basically and IV line that goes all the way up to your heart.) They give those for long term IV needs. Since I needed IV antibiotics 2 times a day for 3 months I was a good candidate. I knew the dose I crushed up was a lethal amount. I also knew that you NEVER crush up pills and put them in your IV. I figured if the dose didn't kill me the clot would. I was so lucky. I was not thinking clearly. The most likely that would have happened is that I would have had severe brain damage. I never thought that. I just can't believe how lucky I was.
      Now as I said before, My thoughts were not my own. I truly was numb. No feelings were left. I just had one last task to fulfill in this life and I was done. I didn't want to be alive. I was a burden to my husband, I was a terrible mother, and I couldn't stand myself. I wanted Kirt to remarry and be happy. I wanted the kids to have a good mother. I truly thought this was the only way. Kirt had no idea I was even feeling this way. I faked that I was so happy till the last day. No one would've guessed I was so depressed. I didn't want anyone to know. I wanted to keep up "the act". By the way---don't ever try to keep up the act, that will just make things worse. Be yourself and love who you are. Being your authentic you is so much better than fake you.
        SO, I crushed up the pills mixed them with saline and pushed them through my IV they had put in my hand the night before. I was done. But just as soon as I pushed the pills through, my vein burst and the mixture went into my hand. I soon developed a clot from my hand all the way up to my shoulder. I was alive. The mixture slowly dissolved in my body and needless to say my medical record is forever ruined. I was yelled at by countless doctors and my husband was devastated. I felt terrible. Worse than terrible; humiliated, awful, stupid, horrible, sorry. I felt so ashamed. What was I thinking??? I need help. That is when we found out the medicine I was taking cancelled out my depression medicine. Wow. If I could take that back I would.
       Things are so much better now and we did even have another baby. Depression is a real thing and post pardum depression can be very scary. I know I had unique circumstances, but doesn't everyone? Everybody's story is different but we all need the same thing....help. We need to talk about it and forget this "super mom" thing. If we were all honest I think we could all learn a lot from each other. I've got a great group of girl friends that are irreplaceable and it is all because we are completely honest with each other. Nobody has it all together. If they say they do, they are lying:)
            Please take this post for what it was meant for. It is meant to help others decide to get help. There is no shame admitting you can't do things by yourself. There are so many people who are judgmental. Please don't let you be one of them. Like I said before, I was one of them and It came back to bite me with a vengeance. I now know and understand so much more about depression and suicide. These things can be treated and there is hope. I am on the other side of it and I do wake up in the morning and think, "I'm excited to start the day." You can get there too. You are not you when you are depressed or suicidal and you can get help to think clearly again. There is a life after depression. Please don't give up. Life is so worth the effort.

My Brother Darren....Missing (Part 1)

Posted by Sarah

I am the long lost roommate of Niki.  I was so overjoyed to come in contact with her again after almost 10 years, and also heart broken when she told me of her brother who has been missing for five years.  The story hit close to me. 

Missing…..I have openly told my husband that word is the worst case scenario.  Not knowing where a loved one is has been one of my worst fears.  I never thought it would happen to me.  The odds are against it. 

Two years ago my husband’s brother Darren went missing in Brazil.  He had served a 2 year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and wanted to go back and visit.  I considered him one of my best friends and was so happy to have him in my life.  I received a facebook message in broken English from a man in Brazil asking if I knew where Darren was.  For a moment I thought it was a ransom letter.  I was filled with terror and quickly called Darren’s brother to find out what was going on. 

I was told Darren had been missing for three days and only a few people knew.  At the place he was staying at a man there noticed he didn't return one night.  Darren had told the man he was going on a hike.  Those who knew Darren would not be surprised that he just stayed in the mountains and camped there.  But when I got off the phone I broke into tears.  I hoped for the best but immediately started to try to prepare for the worst.  What if we never found him?  What if that was the end?

Day four, five, six rolled by and by this time all of the family knew about it and our hopes were diminishing.  I cried myself to sleep every night, and found it hard to eat.  I had a constant knot in my stomach, and Darren was in the back of my mind constantly.  We all felt helpless.  How could we even begin to start looking for him when he was in a different country? 

The not knowing began to torture all those who loved him.  Was he being beaten and hurt? Was he suffering somewhere in the wilderness?  And I shuttered to think that he might not be here anymore.  He could be dead. 

We found out that some people in Brazil had started to put posters up with his pictures and try to find him.  Some people in my family were trying to figure out if they could go and help out.  The days blurred together and we found out a body had been found five days after Darren had gone missing near the hike he was on.  The description of the clothing clarified our worst nightmare.

Brazilian authorities wanted dental records to confirm that it was Darren.  I found myself still trying to believe it was not him, but inside I knew it was.  Words cannot express my sorrow.  I soon realized that many of my unanswered questions would never be answered.  When the dental records came back and we knew Darren had passed on, I still didn't want to believe.  And yet the only thing that kept me going is that I knew I would see him again in the next life.  I knew he would not be gone forever.  

My Brother.......Missing (Part 2)

Posted by Sarah

I realized I have been delaying sitting down to type this because it is still so hard for me to talk about.  I posted the news report about trying to get Darren’s body home, because honestly I have blocked a lot of the details of trying to get him home out of my mind.  It seemed easier to deal with that way.  Also I didn't hear all of the details.  I just know that when his body was finally safe on American soil we were finally able to start our grieving process. 

I quickly realized that no one truly close to me had ever died.  All of my grandparents are alive, and no close friends have ever passed on.  I guess I should have prepared myself for this moment because no one lives forever, but it hit me like a ton of bricks.  And since I am the sister-in-law I don’t think people realized the agony I was going through. 

Prior to Darren’s death my husband asked me who my five best friends were besides him.  He was really shocked when Darren’s name was on the list.  It was then I realized how close I felt to him.  We both were extremely excited about being entrepreneurs and called each other frequently about all of our ideas. 

Prior to him going missing I was going about my daily business, and trying to finish up a sewing order I had.  I was extremely busy, and all day I couldn't get the idea out of my head that I needed to facebook Darren.  I kept brushing it aside, and again and again I felt I needed to post him a message on facebook.  I remember laughing to myself because it seemed so silly that I had to post him today.  I remember telling him how much a missed him, and that I loved him.  After he went missing I realized the day I posted the message would have been the last day he could have looked on his computer. 

After we knew he was gone forever in this life I found it unable go on my day to day activities that needed to be done.  I would roll up in a ball at night and clutch my stomach because it hurt from holding all of my emotions in.  I felt I needed to be a support to my husband whose brother had just died, but I didn't know how because I wasn't stable. 

I remember crying to the Lord like I never had to help our family, and to help me handle the pain I had.  And then I got to see Darren one last time in my dreams….

I was at his parent’s house and I walked into the basement.  And to my shock Darren was there standing in the corner smiling at me.  I knew he had died, and so I couldn't believe my eyes.  I ran to him and touched him.  I could feel his skin, but I still knew he had passed on.  My voice trembled as I said, “Darren, why did you leave us?  We all miss you so much!”  And he said, “I know Sarah, I miss you and everyone else too, but I am happy.  Sarah I am happy.”

At that moment I woke up.  Tears were streaming down my face and felt that I had really just seen Darren, that I had really just touched his arm.  An overwhelming peace came over me, and I knew at that moment that if Darren could really talk to me now he would say that he was happy.  I knew it with all my heart that he was happy now, and I knew that I would see him again.

I still miss him horribly and I still cry at times because I don’t get to see him for a long time.  When we get together as a family there is always a chair missing at the dinner table, a phone call that I miss at my birthday, and the hug I miss from him.  When I get a great business idea I have wanted to pick up the phone and call him right away, and then I realize I can’t.  So all though my brother was found, in all of our hearts he will always be missing from us.  My heart goes out to those like Niki who have never found their loved ones. 

Smile:)

       I am a hospice practical nurse. Before I became a hospice practical nurse, I was a nurse's aid at a care center. So you can imagine I had my fair share of seeing death at the work place. I have never been scared of death because I have seen so many people die. You would think I would hate my job but I have just loved it. Caring for the sick and dying makes me so happy. I wouldn't want any other job. They teach me new lessons each time I see them.
      I have a wide range of friends with very different beliefs about god and if there is an after life or not. If we have life after death. Or a spirit inside our bodies that leaves us when we die. Everything can be such a debate. That is.....until you watch someone die. (Of course this is my blog and as always, completely my opinion.) But I remember so clearly the first time I watched someone die. As they took their last breath I could literally feel a presence leave the room. Obviously the woman's face changed and her hand I was holding no longer held it's grip. But she was no longer there. Skeptics might say that is because her heart stopped but I have felt this every time I have been there when someone has died. The room is filled with their presence and then all of the sudden it feels more empty, cold, and quiet.
        I think if we all sat down and thought about it, there is no way you could argue there wasn't something spiritual that left that persons body.  Something else brings that body life and makes it shine. 
        This has been my experience. This has given me great comfort. There is life after death. I will see Jesse again. So many have talked to their loved ones......even shouted at them as to why they had taken so long to come and get them. This always made me laugh. My time already has gone by so fast. I can't believe I have 4 kids. In my mind I'm still a college student.
         I smile when I think how good this life has been to me. I have so many things I am grateful for. Had I not gone through the challenges I had gone through; I would not be where I am today. I like where I am today. Although having Jesse back would be freaking awesome! Life doesn't turn out how you plan. The life lessons I learned and am still learning have been amazing. I have learned a genuine smile makes life so much easier to bear and a hug helps warm the soul.
        I hope we all take a moment this week to reflect on our own lives and take comfort that we will see our loved ones again. I believe there is life after death. I believe we can find peace. Enjoy your life to it's  fullest. Laugh like you've never laughed before, love like you'll never see them again, live like there's no tomorrow.

The Reaction

     Throughout this process I have learned so much. Whether someone dies, goes missing, or gets diagnosed with cancer, one thing you can count on is: you will be surprised how some people react. I thought I knew how each person in my family would react in a family crisis. Turns out I was wrong.
     I have had a few people really close to me die throughout my life but the two that stick out to me is my step mother carol and my grandpa Ogden.
        Today we are going to talk about Carol. Carol was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer about 4 years ago. I have learned since her death how terrible this cancer is and truly wish my reaction to her diagnosis was different. Carol was an angel on earth and she made our family a better one. She made everyone she  was around a better person just by being their friend. I wish I had told her this but I loved her for making our family heal from past wounds. She was meant to be married to my father. She made him a better person.
     When carol was diagnosed with cancer. I reacted so poorly. I pulled away at first. I was upset but more importantly, I felt helpless. There was nothing I could say or do to make the situation better and it made me so angry. I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. I didn't know what to do so I did nothing. It was the worst feeling in the world and talking to her made me feel guilty.
       In the beginning, I pulled away, and in the middle of her sickness I came around more and wanted to help. Towards the end, I pulled away again. It was so hard to see her so sick. I gave into myself to make sure I was comfortable and not the other way around. I should have disregarded my feelings and been honest. That is the point I wanted to talk about.......being honest.
      Death and the unknown will happen to us all. It is just a matter of time. Our reaction to it is a complicated one. Depending on the person, you will get two completely different reactions. I have learned each reaction has been meant to have the most sincere intentions, but will not be seen that way. Me pulling away and not being there for carol would appear like I didn't care and wanted nothing to do with the situation. When in reality I cared so much I couldn't even handle the emotions I was feeling. Looking back it is not the best reaction. Pulling away from someone when they are struggling is not what I recommend. You will usually regret it in the end. There is a balance though. You can't loose yourself in their struggles and forget yours.
         The same thing happened to us when Jesse went missing. Friends we thought would be there for us weren't, but friends we didn't think would be there for us were. It was fascinating to watch. Even in my own family. I was shocked at who I came to rely on and who I didn't.
         It is only now after 5 years I am able to see out of my tiny family of 9....wait huge family of nine, that I am able to see outside of my little family circle of grief. I was so busy being sad about Jesse or puzzled at people's reactions that I didn't take into account that they were hurting too. They were not only hurting for us, but they knew and loved Jesse too. They were missing him. People did not not what to say, do, or think. So they didn't say, do, or think anything. I think that is the worst reaction by far any of us can have in any situation.
        ANY reaction is better than NO reaction. Silence is nothing. Silence is a blank wall. Silence will be taken as complete lack of caring. Expression of any kind is better than silence. Be honest. Nothing is worse than when talking to a best friend and silence fill the room like a dark cloud. Silence will start to put gaps in relationships. Be honest. "I don't know what to say to you." is better than nothing at all. If you are angry that this happened, sad, depressed, hurt, etc. I was so happy when one of my friends told me she felt so stupid for saying this but that when she heard all this had happened with Jesse she was just furious. She felt like she had no right to be mad but when she saw me it brought up those feelings so it was hard for her to talk to me. I was glad she was able to put aside her feelings for mine and be there for me. Her honesty was refreshing.
          Sometimes it is easier to just not face things. So we pretend like they just didn't happen. I do that all the time. That is how I deal with most situations. I made Kirt go skydiving for my birthday this past year and he worried about it for a month and I just pretended like it wasn't going to happen. It wasn't until we were in the plane I started to get a little panicked. When we jumped out of the plane that is when I screamed, "What in the @$%&$!*  was I thinking!!!" Kirt was so jealous I only worried for 7 minutes and not a month. Well that minute and a half free fall was a little freaky too. (I do recommend going.) SO FUN!!
    That is how others reacted. They would just assume it didn't happen. I have learned everyone has their own way of coping and sometimes that is all we can do is cope. BUT......if you can, try to put your feelings aside, be honest, start the conversation, and be there for the person who needs it more than you. The last thing you want is to live your life full of regrets. Death, cancer, missing person cases are such a complicated hard thing but one thing they all have in common is: We shouldn't and can't do it alone. Honesty is refreshing and selflessness gets you everywhere.