Sunday, March 31, 2013

Looking Death in the Eyes...

As I have said before, I am a nurse. I work with nuclear and uranium poisoned patients. Lots of them are war veterans and others are old uranium miners. Most, if not all of them, have severe lung problems and struggle to breathe every second of every day. I am usually here to help them live their every day to day life. Today, one has chosen  a different road. I am now here for him for a very different purpose. Hospice. I am simply here to make him comfortable. I am no longer here to help him with his day to day life. I am here to help him die as comfortably as possible.

It is a very unsettling feeling, looking over at this man I have grown quite fond of over the past year and a half, and know I am helpless in the outcome of his health. Everything I have been taught in my studies and work have just been thrown out the window as of today. My patient has decided he no longer wants to fight the battle. He wants to rest. Who can blame him? He's been fighting for years and still been sick most of the time.

As I sit in this chair and look over at this man lying in bed, I am literally looking death in the eyes. I can see it is not long until life no longer flows through this mans body. The feeling in the room is strange and I find myself afraid to witness his passing. It would not be the first time I have watched a person pass from this life to the next, but it would not make the moment any easier. Many are afraid of dying or watching someone die. Both do not scare me. At least I thought so until today.

Today I am afraid. I do not want to see this man die. He is kind and loving. Today death scares me. The feeling in the room is the same as it always is for me when someone dies. Cool, Quiet, and lonely. No matter how many people are in the room that is how it feels to me. I don't know how others feel, but this has been my experience. Today my stomach is in knots. I don't want to be in charge when he passes. Inside I still feel like I am seventeen and should never be left in charge of anything, ever. I hate that we have to grow up....

Since I have been in the health care industry I have witnessed 3 people die. When each person has died of course, I sobbed, and then I really start to reflect on my own life. This time, it is different. I know the entire family and patient. Looking death in the eyes makes me realize how unprepared I really am.

As I have talked to each patient over the years, there is one thing they will always say, "Enjoy your kids while they are young". Have any of you noticed that that it usually almost everyone's biggest advice? Maybe it is just me, but, that is the advice I ALWAYS get. SO---as I sit here looking across at my dear friend, with hardly any life left inside of him, his advice is like gold to me. A dying man's last words of advice is about his family. His lasts words of advice is about his kids.

So now, as I look over at my sleeping patient, I finally realize why I am terrified. I am terrified it is going to be me in that hospital bed. It is going to be me giving out the advice and telling my stories of regret. All I want now is to go home and squeeze my babies and be grateful for the love they bring into my life.

Sometimes it might be good for us to look death in the eyes. Face our fears and fight the obstacles life throws at us. Maybe we should treat everyone like this is the last time we will ever see them. Give them a big hug because this is the last chance you have to give them one. Say the thing you always wanted to say. (but were always too afraid to say it.) Stand up for yourself when you never had the courage to do so before.

When death stares at you, you can't help but stare back. You can't help but reflect on your own life and think, "Would I be satisfied if it all ended right here? Right now?" It's a definite "NO" for me. I am going to take my old friends advice and run with it. "A life full of regrets, is no life at all." I'm going to enjoy everything while they're young!!!

A world where drills like these exist.....

I have worked two graveyard shifts in a row and my sweet little Lexi comes running out of the house to greet me upon returning home from my 12 hour shift. To say the least, I am exhausted. I am now not prossessing things in my head correctly. I need sleep. But I am so happy to see her happy face.

She hugs me and immediately says, "IT"S DRILL DAY!!! Did you remember?!" I look at her perplexed. Of course I did not remember. It was the furthest thing from my mind at that very moment. "Um.....No. I did not remember it was drill day." She looked at me half disappointed half shame-shaming me. I looked at her desperately. "Come on Lex. You gotta cut me some slack. I'm not awake. What do I need to do?" She tells me all the things I need to do and I am immediately bugged. Seriously?! Chase gets out at 10:45 AM and Lexi at 1:15 PM. I need to personally check them out of school or they will not be released. I realize it is a drill because of last December. (the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre.) Although I think it is a very needed and fantastic thing to be practicing, I am still so put out it is today of all days. I am tired and grumpy. I so don't need this today. Between picking up the two, sleep will be short lived. I struggle to fall asleep.

I end up only sleeping an hour that day. I have gotten chase. I didn't have to check him out. Picking him up was quick and easy. I had no idea what I was in for with Lexi. No idea.

Lexi calls me from the school. I am late. I feel terrible. I hurry and drive over to the school and cars are lined up all around the school and parents are walking into the school from far distances. I sigh and park. I am far away from the school. It is a walk to get there. I am still thinking very selfishly.

Then suddenly a flash. I see a mother desperate and devastated on the phone standing by her parked car in front of an elementary school. An elementary school that could have so easily been my child's elementary school. A picture I had seen from the December Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre. A picture I will never forget.

Reality was sinking in. This was a drill in case someone came to hurt my child. This is me coming to see if my child is alive after the unthinkable has happened. My heart sank and began to ache. Do I really live in a world where we actually have to practice these drills? I turn the corner and see a humongous cluster of students and teachers in parallel lines. Teacher's with clip boards in hands and each child's name on the list. The scene is so disturbing to me, I begin to cry.

Crying for the mothers who turned that corner and went to that teacher with that clip board and their child was not on that list. Just the panic I felt wanting to get my little girl home was horrible enough. I went straight to Lexi's teacher and Lexi raced into my arms. Instant peace. I love this little girl completely. I need her in my life. Only then could I calm down. But the tears would not stop. I felt sick inside for those mothers and fathers who came and left with those same feelings.  Feelings of panic and pure terror that the worst has happened to their child. I felt the tiniest bit of panic and I thought I would burst.

I do live in a world where drills like this exist.

Our Elementary did an exceptional job in their drill. They would not release ANY child to anyone but a parent or a guardian. Those teachers knew their kids and knew their parents. It was amazing to see the organization and knowledge they had about their students. I felt comforted in this drill despite how disturbing it was to me. The reasons for why we have this drill is an absolute nightmare. But--I am so grateful they did this drill. It is a harsh truth. I hope the reality never comes to anymore schools in this world, but, we all know that will never happen. We have to be prepared. Thank you to our Elementary.  

I am crying for my babies. I am crying for those innocent children and those brave teachers. My heart, my love, my tears, my thoughts, my prayers, and my entire empathy as a mother goes out to all who lost their sweet baby. My gratitude, love, and faith in the good of people goes out to the teachers that died for those sweet children. The world is truly a lesser place without them in it.

Thank you to those family members who have stood up to be heard and made it known we need these drills in our schools. Because of you my child is a little safer. Your pain will not be in vain. You have made my child's school a safer one. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart. Here is a list of those precious angels and their strong teachers. Thank you again to those family members who are taking a stand against gun violence.

Charlotte Bacon (2/22/06), 6 years old, female
Daniel Barden (9/25/05), 7 years old, male
Rachel Davino (7/17/83), Staff member, 29 years old, female
Olivia Engel (7/18/06), 6 years old, female
Josephine Gay (12/11/05), 7 years old, female
Ana M. Marquez-Greene (4/4/06), 6 years old, female
Dylan Hockley (3/8/06), 6 years old, male
Dawn Hochsprung (6/28/65), Principal, 47 years old, female
Madeleine F. Hsu (7/10/06), 6 years old, female
Catherine V. Hubbard (6/8/06), 6 years old, female
Chase Kowalski (10/31/05), 7 years old, male
Nancy Lanza, 52 years old, female (mother of shooter Adam Lanza)
Jesse Lewis (6/30/06), 6 years old, male
James Mattioli (03/22/06), 6 years old, male
Grace McDonnell (11/4/05), 7 years old, female
Anne Marie Murphy (7/25/60), Staff member, 52 years old, female
Emilie Parker (05/12/06), 6 years old, female
Jack Pinto (05/05/06), 6 years old, male
Noah Pozner (11/20/06), 6 years old, male
Caroline Previdi (9/07/06), 6 years old, female
Jessica Rekos (5/10/06), 6 years old, female
Avielle Richman (11/17/06) 6 years old, female
Lauren Rousseau (June 1982), Staff member, 30 years old, female
Mary Sherlach (2/11/56), Staff member, 56 years old, female
Victoria Soto (11/04/85), Staff member, 27 years old, female
Benjamin Wheeler (09/12/06), 6 years old, male
Allison N. Wyatt (07/03/06), 6 years old, female

What We Have Once Enjoyed We Can Never Loose

This post is dedicated to my Grandma Ogden. I am so sorry for your loss. I love you. I miss you. I can't wait to give you a big hug. This is also in memory of my Aunt Donna.

One Christmas instead of giving gifts I wanted to give a memory to my family. I think there is no better gift than a cherished memory.  In our family Jesse, is a cherished memory. Sometimes in life that is all we have left of someone. A cherished memory. But that is what I love about memories. That is what I love about the heart. All those who leave us in this life live in us. They become a part of us.

There is a famous quote by Helen Keller that says, "What we have once enjoyed, we can never loose, all that we love becomes apart of us." It is a quote that really made me stop and think. It made me stop and think because it was so true. I am who I am today because of the people who raised me. I am who I am because of the people I have loved and let into my heart. They are a part of who I am. Even in death I will not loose them. They remain ever so close to me. They remain in the deepest part of my heart. The part that loves, cherishes, remembers, and knows that this is not the last time I will see them again. The part that gives me hope and strength. Strength to endure the pain I may feel in their absence.

So on Christmas Day instead of giving gifts I wanted to give a memory of Jesse to my family. I remember being so scared to share it with everyone, just like I am to share it with you now. But I felt as time was going by my memories were starting to fade. So I decided to write them down. You never realize how beautiful a person is until you write down everything you love about them. Try it one day. If there is someone you admire, write down what you love about them. You will be surprised how long the list is. Appreciate them while they are here.

When Jesse went missing I thought a huge chunk of my heart was taken away. When in reality,  he just moved in. My heart swelled with love and admiration for him. It was overwhelming. Every memory flooded my brain. My love for him is stronger now than ever before. He is a part of me. I am so blessed to have been his sister. My time with him was short, but he was worth every second. I will take this pain just to know him. I am a better person because of my sweet brother. Here is the Poem I wrote describing who Jesse was.

JESSE
Beautiful brother
beautiful friend
Beautiful soul
Beautifully complicated
 faces shine when he enters the room
No matter the topic
Humor is never far from his lips
Joy whenever he is near
Spontaneously stupid
Crazy fun
Unconditionally loved
Amazingly witty
But surprisingly tender
Always a comfort
Always understanding
Always a gift to be around
Grateful to know him
Grateful to love him
Proud he is family
Never knowing his own beauty
But always seeing others
His absence piercing
But his spirit strong
His love all around us
His memories treasured
His laughter cherished
His beauty incomparable
Together again
Our Family Forever

For all those who have lost a loved one, from the deepest part of my heart I wish you comfort. I pray that you find peace in your sorrows. I am never one to say the road is easy all that matters is that you keep getting up. Doesn't matter how many times you fall, how gracefully you got up, it matters you keep getting up and you cross that finish line. Remember, "What we have once enjoyed we can never loose, all that we love becomes a part of us." 

Grandma Ogden---I love you. I am so sorry about Aunt Donna. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Love to all my family at this time. You guys are the best!!!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

That Did Not Just Happen....

This really did happen, all in one night, and all to me.

Stomach Flu---A Mother's Worst Nightmare!

Kirt, my husband, was coaching my sons soccer practice right around dinner time. Lexi got a little cranky and said, "My stomach hurts!!!" So naturally I think, "Oh my gosh! What a baby! I swear I feed my kids every hour and they are still hungry!!!" So I load Lexi, Beckham and my friend Britney, in the car, (poor Britney came along for the ride). We decide to go to Arby's just down the rode to get the kid's Dinner. By the time we get to Arby's Lexi is practically screaming that her tummy is killing her. Britney and I decide she may have diarrhea by the way Lexi has described her pain. I swerve and park asap. She looks as though she might explode. All three of us are in a panic. I get her out of the car and we are running to get into Arby's. I am pulling open the door into the main lobby of Arby's and Lexi starts to cough. It is the barf cough. "Oh no." I think. "Run!" I shout. And we run to the grass in front of Arby's and State Street. By now, I am practically carrying her. It's too late, she is barfing on my arms and hands. "Whatever." I think. People are driving by and watching my poor Lexi barf. I actually saw one girl see us and turn away and dry heave herself. I couldn't help but laugh.

With nowhere to wipe my hands but the grass and my jacket I smell wonderful. I didn't dare go into Arby's. They were already unhappy with the mess we left in front of their building, I knew coming inside would be pushing it. By now I am feeling really bad I thought she was faking the tummy ache. I picked my pale faced little girl up and put her in the car. I still went through the drive thru and got food for the kids. That was fun. Poor Britney pretended she couldn't smell a thing. WOW! What a good friend.

So, Lexi is very sick by now. It is tax season and Kirt is an accountant. He was gone the rest of the night. I have no idea where. Landon tells me his tummy hurts. By now, I believe my children. I learned my lesson. As he was saying "My tummy hurt's" he let out the most beautiful burp and barf splashed all over my bare feet. I thought, "Awesome. It doesn't get any better than this." Cute little Landon looked up at me with his blue, blue eyes and said, "Oh, mommy, I barfed on you......I'm sorry." As much as I was grossed out, it was totally cute. After this night, my kids were lucky they were so cute......cause they had nothing else going for them......kidding. I really do adore my kids. I'm a really sarcastic person......I'm sure if you don't know me my posts do not translate very well:)

I clean and wash off my feet but still I have not showered. Gross huh? I know. But you know when you don't shower for the day because you know you are going to be cleaning all day? That's how I felt.....I just knew the night was not over.....I knew there was more barf to come. It was pointless to shower.

I decided to make all the kids sleep upstairs in one location. This way I could sleep by all four of them and we could have a community barf bowl and I could get to all of them in one swift movement. So, I set up our big blow up mattress. We watched a movie with no problems and all fell asleep but the youngest. Cute little Beckham. He was being so cute! He had his head on my shoulder and he just kept talking to me. We talked about the dog and the cat. His favorite color. How much he loved his dad and then BARF!!!!! All in my face and mouth. THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN! No way.........I am in complete shock while I accidentally swallow a little of my child's barf. "Ok. That did just happen" I thought. I sit up. Beckham is un-phased as he giggles at the sight of his mother's face covered in his previously eaten dinner. The only words out of his mouth is "Mommy, yuck" I slowly get up and am so grossed out, I laugh. How can this night get any worse? "It can't", I thought. The worst is over. I wash off my face and mouth. Amazingly, because my hair had been tied back, the delightful mixture did not get into my hair. Still no shower....totally gross. I KNOW. WHY??? I still felt deep down inside, there was more. More that these little monsters had for me. (and by monsters I mean beautiful lovely children.) I change the bedding. The rest of the night it was Chase's turn. All he did was dry heave. Poor guy had nothing in him.

Now, you would think that is all I have in my family. I would too. But turns out we are both wrong. I have animals too. So I was up until  4:30 AM with my cute babies. AT 4;30 AM my dog River had and ear ache. I knew that because when I finally got to sleep she woke me up with her whining and scratching her ear like crazy. I went to pet her and my hand rubbed into some sticky goo that was leaking out of her ear. That is when I got grossed out. I gave her some doggy pain medication, cleaned out her ear, made a note to get her to the vet, and sent her off too bed.

By then, I was exhausted. I went downstairs to my bedroom where Kirt was, (he got home really late that night). It was pitch black so I had to feel my way to the bed and around to my side. I got into the bed and Kirt asked how everything was. I told him everything. There was a slight pause. "Kirt, did you fart???" There was another pause, "No....did you?" "Um.....No." I said, because he knows I am always proud of my farts and claim them whenever they are mine. I sigh and plop my hands to the side of the comforter. SPLAT!!! That did not just happen!!! I knew what my hand was in before I even turned on the lights. I knew what my hand was in before I even lifted up my hand to move it off of what it was in. I knew what my hand was in as soon as it went SPLAT!!! "*#!*#(*^@#" I said. "What?!" said Kirt. Sounding very annoyed that I kept talking. "I just put my hand in cat crap!!!" I yelled very loudly. "No you didn't" Kirt said. Not wanting to believe he had been sleeping next to cat crap the entire night. "Um....YES I DID!!! LOOK!!!!" I flipped on the light switch and we saw the best sight of the night. It beat all the barf on the hands, feet, in the face, and down the throat by a mile.

Yes. This is when I got the cat and it is still banned from the house. This is when I dry heaved. This is when Kirt dry heaved. This is when.....I did finally give in.......I took the shower of all showers. I scrubbed and scrubbed. I am so clean and yet I feel so dirty. This is when I thought, That there is no way that that day just happened?!!!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Autism-My brother Seth

For those of you who know me, I come from the "Pinegar Bunch". 3 boys and 3 girls. It was a long standing joke in the neighborhood in comparison to the Brady Bunch. That is, until Seth arrived.

Seth was a normal "annoying" little brother, or so I thought. He pulled my hair whenever I came near him, drooled all over the place, and needed a lot of mom's attention. He was developing like all of us did. He was starting to say "mama" and "dada". He was even starting to repeat after mom and dad when they would say the prayer for dinner. Then one day it all changed. It honestly seemed to change overnight.

Seth was about 2 1/2 and Mom had to have surgery. She was down for about 2 weeks and Seth was sent to my Aunt Carolyn's so Mom could heal. (it was a pretty serious surgery.) When Seth came back he no longer spoke. He no longer looked at us. He would not go to my mom. Seth was gone. It was as if the Seth we knew left and an entirely new person came and took over his body.

I remember feeling like I wanted to reach inside of my brother and grab a hold of Seth and where he was hiding. I wanted to reach in and pull him out. I knew he was somewhere deep inside that body of his. How does a person just disappear like that? As a sibling and a child it made no sense to me. I think of my mother. What a nightmare. What a nightmare for any mother. I know I felt like I lost my brother. She must have felt like she lost her son. I want to cry for all you mothers out there who have had to go through this. To have your baby developing so completely normal and then seemingly the very next day they just leave........and all you have is the shell of what they used to be, my heart, love, and adoration goes out to you.

I remember just wanting to scream at him. He would just stare at walls. I didn't understand it. Where was he? Why wasn't he looking at me? I was so frustrated. I was hurting and I didn't know why. He was there and yet I felt like I had lost my baby brother. Why was my mom teaching him things he already knows?

As I grew to understand it, the easier it was to accept. We all tried to accept that this was the new Seth. The new Seth was silent, did not speak, and spent a lot of time staring at things. Seth went to a special school. At this point in time, Autism was in its' infant stages and many did not understand it. Far too many children were being misdiagnosed or simply untreated. To tell someone your child had autism was like saying you suffer from "ambiguous loss". Few understood the entire meaning of the word. But like most things, you would be surprised how many people you know suffer from it. (Just like autism today). There is so much more awareness about autism. People understand it more, and the treatments are so much better.

As time went by, we were fortunate enough that Seth started to respond very well to treatments. Seth began to talk. (People with severe autism sometimes never talk their entire lives.) As Seth began to talk he also, like any child struggling to communicate, would get frustrated.

Seth had a temper. I remember one day in particular, Seth and I got in an argument. Seth loves Video games, books, and TV. He has a great educated opinion. He does not like it if you disagree with him. He is better now. Back then, he was not. I did not like one of his movies that he was in love with at the time. I did not think this would get a huge reaction, but it did. Seth reached into the silverware drawer and pulled out a long, sharp, knife. "AH!!!" I thought. RUN.  And I ran. I ran so fast that I could have beat anyone, anywhere. I was running for my life. He was fast. He was ready to kill me, (figuratively). I ran and had just enough time to get to the bathroom. The only room with a lock on it. I got in and quickly turned to lock the door. As I slammed the door I saw Seth's face. He was furious. I hurried and locked it. My heart was racing. Seth was pounding on the door but it didn't matter. I was safe.

I would not come out for 4 hours. That was when mom would be home. That was when it would be safe to come out. Rule #1-Never make Seth angry.

There would be a lot of scary moments like that. Seth was unpredictable. But--autism gets a bad reputation because of a lot of things on the news. Seth and most other autistic children like him are like any other disabled person. They need help like everyone else. Everyone is unique and one case does not define an entire kind of mentally handicapped people.

In Autism, it is known if a boy has autism, it can range from mild to severe. If a girl has Autism it is usually pretty severe. With Seth we have been very lucky. Seth, in his early years, didn't talk at all. My mother is a first grade teacher. She used that to her advantage and taught Seth relentlessly. She bought special programs and books to help him learn better and faster. Thanks to my mother, Seth is able to communicate to the outside world. You can talk to him and have a normal conversation with him, (for a little bit. Then you must talk about Greek mythology) He is a master in Greek mythology. He knows everything about it. It is fascinating to talk to him.

As a family we have talked about it and have figured Seth's mind has developed and relates best to those that are about fourteen to sixteen years old. In terms of video games and books. He tries to relate to children but simply cannot. He does not understand them. There have been numerous times he has felt threatened by them. In his mind, Seth has told me, that my 6 year old boy Chase scares him. When Chase has tried to play with his Uncle Seth and "Wrestle", Seth will feel threatened. He says he feels Chase could beat him up. He says he feels the need to fight back. And he has fought back. If we are not careful a real fight will happen. Seth honestly feels like my 6 year old is attacking him and could really hurt him. (Seth is gigantic in comparison to chase.) Relating to children has always been a challenge for Seth. He simply does not like kids. He tries. It is cute to see him try to be a "good uncle".

Seth is what you would call someone with "high functioning" autism. He is very smart and his memory is ridiculous. He can quote an entire movie word for word if he wanted to from beginning to end. (without making a mistake.) If I were to recommend a movie it would be "Rain Man" with Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman. A classic. If you haven't seen that, you've got problems.....kidding. But it's good. It's about an Autistic Savant. Which is basically someone who is autistic and is a prodigy or genius at something. Dustin Hoffman happens to be good with numbers. That movie reminds me a lot of Seth. I think Seth is that way with video games. That boy should get paid to play video games, he's that good.

There is a lot of speculation on how Autism is caused. I can say I'm a little stumped too. There has been speculation about food allergies (gluten), infections, problems at birth. I want to say it's genetics. I'm a nurse, (LPN), and I'm not buying into the whole immunization thing. I'm pro immunizations. The metal alloy they claimed caused Autism has been taken out of all immunizations. So that should cause some mothers some peace of mind. Now, even though I am pro immunizations, since I have a brother with autism, I was pretty freaked out. I spaced those immunizations out at 2 1/2 years old and watched my kids really carefully. I didn't do them all together. I was so bugged with myself. Because I truly don't believe immunizations cause Autism. But, what mother wants to risk it??? So for all you mothers out there who struggle with the deciding on immunizations, I get it. But---We do live in a great country and are so lucky to have these things available to us. People around the world die from so many preventable diseases. When there was an outbreak of smallpox in Utah I thought we should take more advantage of the great country we live in. We shouldn't count on others to do it for us. But----again, just my opinion. No judging here. I understand the other side of the argument as well. I understand everyone is just trying to do what they think is right for their child. 

I you were to ask my mother, she would say she knew something was wrong with Seth from the very beginning. At first they thought it was muscular dystrophy, and that went on for 2 1/2 years until Autism stuck.

A lot of Autism I have noticed,  is connection. They have a hard time connecting to this world. Most of the time, in the early years with, Seth he was in his own little world. A world you just wanted to yank him out of. A world you just wanted to be a part of. I would find myself wondering how someone could stay silent that long, or stare so steadily and reverently.  My mother said she would notice my brother not maintaining eye contact, even as a tiny infant. She stated that it surprised her that he would not respond to her coo's. By 12 month's he was not babbling. One really big sign was that he would always line up his toys in a straight perfect line. ALWAYS. These are all huge signs of Autism.

As time passed, Seth became the life of the party. Since Seth was so hard to "discipline", if he wore anything we were lucky. When I was in high school, Seth was about 13. I was never embarrassed about anything, so it never occurred to me that it might be awkward for anyone else to see my brother dressed the way he dressed back then.

Seth would go to school and when he got home, he immediately stripped down into nothing but his whitey tighties. At this particular time, I was home. I had brought my 3 girlfriends home with me and we were talking and laughing in the front room. Seth bursts into the front door and begins to strip. (I think nothing of it). I have seen this a million times. This is like you seeing your mother walk up the stairs. I continue with the conversation as if nothing was happening. All my friends did was stare. They could not believe what they were seeing. Seth is a tall and big guy. Not fat, just big. He was 13 then. He was not A "little" boy. Whitey tighties were really snug around this boy. He was even starting to grow chest hair. My friends start to go red. I finally stop what I am saying. I am so confused as to why they are staring at my brother. "oh yeah" I thought. "Seth, you can't strip here. There are girls here." Seth stops and thinks, "Oh. Oh yeah. Ok sis. Sorry sis. I'll be downstairs sis." Then he comes over to me and gives me a big hug. I am sitting in between all of my friends. Seth is just in his whitey tighties. I am laughing so hard. He turns and leaves. "Man! I love my brother!" I think. He just made my day. All 3 of my friends were officially and totally uncomfortable!!! I was loving every second of it! After awhile, we were all laughing. I love how innocent everything is with him. It is so refreshing.

I think of all those mothers who are raising handicapped children. I think of how hard it is. I know my mother cries sometimes at night because she had and has hopes and dreams for Seth's future. Some of the things she wishes for him may never happen. A wife, a college education, a full time job. But--Some of those dreams she wishes may come true. As mothers we hope only for the best for our children. I have to say, to all those who are struggling to raise a handicapped child, how much I admire and respect you. The difference you are making in your child's life is one that will not be forgotten. I truly believe they are sent down to bless our lives. I was just a sister to a brother with Autism. He has taught me so much.

In the beginning I said I felt like I lost my baby brother. But I didn't. I got Seth. I lost nothing. I gained  
Seth. Life would not be the same without him. I have been taught what it means to be truly patient by him. He taught me to laugh and not care what people think. He taught me not to judge people on the outside. He taught me to look deep inside and see what is in people's heart. He makes me see the bigger picture. We have been so blessed to have him in our family.

To all you mothers out there with your special little babies, you are so amazing! I'm so grateful for all you do. Seth is now 21 years old and looking back, I cannot believe that all the times I thought I was trying to help teach him something, he was actually the one teaching me! Thank you, my cute baby brother.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Ambiguous Loss: Frozen Grief-part 2

I never thought of my grief over my brother going missing as "frozen grief". But now that I think about it, it kind of is. These past five years I've tried everything to unthaw the layers of sadness and they just seem to keep building a thicker wall of grief. I was freezing to death. Not knowing how to deal with the emotions I was having was literally driving me nuts. I tried to break free from the cage I felt trapped in several times. Each time I did, the harder I fell. I didn't have the right tools or know the right steps to take to make the right choices to grieve in a healthy way.

Ambiguous loss is the technical term for what I am talking about. It is open-ended grief. Grief with no closure. For example: My brother going missing. A soldier killed in action-no body found, an orphan never knowing who their parents were, divorced parents-where one is out of the picture and not known whether they are alive or not. Another kind of Ambiguous Loss is when there is physical presence but mentally the person is no longer there. I'm talking about Alzheimer's Disease. Where the person is physically there but mentally they are lost.  There are many other examples of ambiguous loss but those are just some of the few I will name. Many people suffer from ambiguous loss in this world and don't even realize it.

I was so excited when I learned about Dr. Pauline Boss and her studies. She is a pioneer when it comes to ambiguous loss and her book called, Ambiguous Loss: Learning to live with unresolved Grief ,  has really put things into perspective for me. If you do not face your grief you will be frozen in it. No matter how much you avoid it, it will always come back and haunt you when you least expect it. You cannot progress in life if you have not dealt with a past issue. The past issue will always hold you back and keep you from being you true self. Avoiding something never solves the problem. It just prolongs the inevitable.

As my "Frozen Grief" prolonged the more hopeless the process felt. I truly felt trapped in a circle of endless torment. Dr. Pauline Boss' book describes Ambiguous Loss so perfectly and so profoundly. She talks about the ups and the downs, the mixed emotions you have, going through the grief cycle over and over in your mind. Enough to drive anyone crazy. This book makes the crazy feel sane.

In my previous post called "The Circle of Grief" I talked about how the stages of grief were not stages. When someone goes missing, or with Ambiguous Loss, it is like a continuous circle or cycle of grief. You can be in denial, then accept the situation, bargain for a different situation, then fall into a deep depression all in one day. Sometimes it will shift by week, maybe months.

My favorite chapter in this book is called, The Turning Point, In it she states at one point most people suffering uncertain loss will hit bottom. Then suddenly, or maybe even after a long time, shift their opinion or point of view about the person or situation they are in. They will re-evaluate their loved one who is physically or psychologically not not there. New information may arise about their loved one or they may tire of the state of which they have been living. Tired of being in a helpless state, this is the stage where action is taken. This is where the person experiencing ambiguous loss begins to gain back control of their life.

For families with loved ones with Dementia and Alzheimer's Disease, regular meetings or therapy,  can help people understand why they have been stuck in their healing process. Why they have been so confused, drink too much, eat too much, or sleep too much, (for example). Their maladaptation, or different ways of helping them cope, are usually unhealthy and once they have been identified, it is their first step to recovery.

What was so comforting to me, and is for so many of the people experiencing Ambiguous Loss, Is knowing that it has an actual name. The feelings that you are going through are completely normal. Feeling like your feelings run in a circle every day........is completely normal. Depression, anxiety, and complete confusion, is completely normal. Guilt, shame, and blame, is also normal. But......you do need to talk about it. That is your first step to recovery. Getting together with the family that shares the problem with you and talking about it. Hearing each others perceptions.

In the beginning, It was easy just to pretend that Jesse was just alive. So for 5 years we didn't really talk about it in depth, if at all. So I started this blog. I have done more healing in the past 3 months than I have in 5 years. If you look at all the comments back and forth from family members, we have had our own little therapy sessions. My family and I are in the Turning Point stage. Jesse's memorial is scheduled for July, and to be honest, I can't wait to celebrate his life!!!

For people who have a missing loved one, it is also important to have regular meetings if at all possible. It is a tuff subject for some to talk about and sharing different points of views can be frustrating. When my family first got together for the first time, (and the last:)) to talk on this subject, Two of my brothers were positive Jesse was dead. My sisters, Mother, and I were furious!!! A brief yelling  and crying fit pursued and then all parted ways. We decided we never wanted to hear each others opinion in a group again.

Feelings have calmed down since and we are all of the opinion that we all have our own opinions and we are going to celebrate his life and let everybody think what they want. You can't make someone think the way you think.

COPING---In the process of coping with ambiguous loss Dr. Pauline Boss recommends activities that are more active and social. I know when I heard the news of Jesse, it was a dark house, I stopped running, and I no longer wanted to talk to anyone. Remedy for disaster. The sun and endorphins are great natural things your body needs and will help boost your mood and keep you healthy and strong. She also recommends humor. I remember I was having a particularly hard day and kirt came home with 4 seasons of "How I Met Your Mother". We laughed the rest of the night. I felt of whole lot better.

For people who are caring for others they MUST take care of themselves as well. They MUST give themselves regular intervals of respite times and not feel guilty. It will be too hard on you and you will burnout.

She also states spirituality is key. Now in the beginning, when Jesse first went missing I wanted to disagree. BUT---I hit ROCK BOTTOM. You NEED spirituality. I don't care what your beliefs are, what you believe in, or WHATEVER, you need spirituality. More importantly, you need God. And yes, there is a God. Because he unfroze that block of ice I lived in for 5 years, picked me up out of the mud it created, showed me a little sunlight so I could slowly warm up, dusted me off, and sent me off to fight my battle. I tried to think I could do it without him but......without him I wouldn't be here writing this post.

The last step in Ambiguous Loss is: Making Sense of It. This is the most difficult step because the grief remains unresolved. But if you can't make sense of it, then all you do in life in endure. And that is no way to live your life. For me, here is how I have made sense of my brothers disappearance. I hate that it happen. NO. I'm absolutely devastated that it happened. BUT--This blog has brought new meaning to the word "missing". I now know what I can learn from this experience and turn it into a positive and help others. I want to help others who have missing loved ones. I have connected with so many who have lost loved ones. People who had no idea that the word "Ambiguous Loss" even existed. People who didn't have the tools to help them cope or even start to heal in a positive way. I can use my experiences for good and help relate to others in a way some may not.

This blog has been able to post stories of missing person cases and hopefully many more. I hope to help others spread the word about their loved one as I would have wanted someone to help me when we needed help.

If anything I hope this post taught all of you a new definition to a new word. Because when I first heard it, I thought. "What in the crap is that???" Pretty long definition, HUH???

Monday, March 18, 2013

Challenges we can't handle???

I have often heard people say, "God doesn't give you challenges you can't handle". I thought it was a great saying and I believed this to be true almost my entire life. Until one day I was faced with a challenge I could not handle.

This blog is about all of the thoughts I have had over the past five years and lessons I have learned. It is also about the lessons I am still learning. One big lesson I have learned? God does give you challenges you can not handle. Let me explain...


I thought I was a strong person. I am independent. I have an education. I am strong willed. I rarely ask for help with things and love to be in control of my life. Well, 5 years ago my life spun out of control and I realized I was weak. I couldn't understand why I was handling things so poorly. I felt so helpless. The life I had worked so hard to build was crumbling beneath me. All of the sudden I had no control of my life. I was too proud to admit it but I needed help.

I believe in God. I believe in something greater than this life. I believe in a higher power. I believe in life after death. I have always believed this. I still believe this. But, when I was faced with the challenge of my missing brother, I questioned everything I ever believed in. All the security of my faith seemed to be removed and I felt completely vulnerable and weak. I questioned everything in this world. How could God give me this challenge? I knew I could not handle this challenge. I became angry with God. I turned away from him and didn't look back.

I stayed angry with God for a few years and my faith in this life was fading fast. I decided to talk to my mother about how I felt. My mother, despite everything she has been through, is a woman of great faith. Her unwavering faith in God is what truly saved my life. I told her how angry I was with god and that this challenge was just too much for me to bear. My mother smiled and looked at me. She softly spoke and tenderly gave me a hug. she said, "Niki, I know people say that God doesn't give you a challenges you can't handle. That is completely untrue." I frowned and looked up at her, "What do you mean?"And her response will forever be engraved into my mind. She sat and thought for a moment and said, "I believe god does give you challenges you cannot handle on your own. This challenge we are facing as a family is too hard to bear. You are right. Niki, I have found that my biggest challenges are only able to be fought with God standing there by my side.  God does give us challenges we cannot handle, it is only through him, and with him, are we able to stand and fight these challenges".

This statement really hit hard for me. I had turned away from God for a long time. I hadn't even realized I had. It was only then I knew I had wasted 4 years of my life. 4 years had been wasted being angry and bitter with God. 4 years I had spent hating the life I had been given and 4 years I was ungrateful for what good things I had in my life.

I look up to my mother so much. The challenges she has been through in her life are unimaginable to me. Despite all of the challenges she has been through, her faith in God has never wavered. She has remained true and trusted in God to help her through her trials that she has been given. Her peaceful presence calms me whenever I am upset. She is truly an angel on earth.

I thought about what she said to me all week. I knew what I needed to do. I swallowed my pride and knelled down and prayed like I have never prayed before. As I began to pray, the tears I had denied myself for so long came streaming down my face. "Lord, I am not able to bear this burden on my own. I need your help. Please...Please...please" I whispered, "help me." I sat and cried for a very long time.

Looking back It was the hardest prayer I have ever spoken. BUT, it was one of the most important lessons I have learned in my life. Swallowing my pride and asking for help is what softened my heart and got me to open up and start this blog. Had I not asked for help, my heart would be hard and unkind. Today my heart is so full of love and hope for the future. That is all thanks to god and my mother.

God does give us challenges we cannot handle on our own. Through god, our burdens can and will be lifted and made easier to bear. The difference for me was night and day. He is always there waiting to help us. We just need to ask. I am so grateful to have a mother who has been such a good example to me. Her faith in God has helped me through the most difficult challenges.
 
I found it so amazing that admitting I was weak made me stronger. Most of us at one point or another will be faced with a challenge we cannot handle on our own. Having God back in my life has made all the difference. I have learned that I may turn away from him, but just like I would never turn away from my own children,  no matter what they did. He will never turn away from me. I learned he was always there waiting for me to ask for help. I was just too stubborn to ask. He is there for me like I am there for my kids and he me loves unconditionally.

I hope if you get anything out of this post, you get that the challenges in this world are too hard to bear alone. Pride is the ultimate killer. God is the ultimate savior.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Happy Feet

As I have said before, my life's release is running. When I thought a Staph infection threatened even a moment of me not being able to have that release, I fell into little bit of depression. Being that the last time I had this infection I had 3 surgeries, was on IV antibiotics, and nearly died; Kirt and I were prepared for the long hall.

I don't know how many of you have been on keflex or bactrim but WOW! THEY SUCK!! My body just hates those two medicines together. If you have, maybe you know what I am talking about. For me, being on these two antibiotics reminded me how I felt when I was really sick two years ago. I had a few panic attacks to say the least. I was truly scared this infection was going to last as long if not longer than the last.

When I am on Bactrim and Keflex my body aches all over. I am exhausted all the time, and my brain is SO not right. I don't say the right things, I'm more emotional, and I don't remember things as well. Now, doctors will swear it's just me. BUT, I have talked to so many people who have been on these drugs who have felt the same way. I swear I'm not crazy!!! (I know, I'm just trying to make myself feel better.)

So I prayed a lot over the past ten days. I didn't feel like my prayers reached the heavens by any means. I more felt they hit the ceiling and went splat on the floor. Still, after all I have learned, I know how I feel about my children. I love them unconditionally. I would do anything for them. If they asked for my help I would help them. I believe that is just how God is. He is a father. He loves each of us unconditionally. He would do anything for us. If we ask, he will help us. I believe this with all my heart. That is why, despite the many splatters on the floor, I still pray. I believe he hears me despite my lack of confidence. I have confidence in family. I have confidence in a loving father, who would do anything for his child. I struggle with the concept of feeling worthy of him able answer my prayers. But, if I think of it in another way, a father who loves his daughter. A father who wants only the best for her. A father who would do anything for her. Then I understand, and begin to feel worthy. Then I understand and believe in his love and adoration for me. Then my faith in him grows as my love for my children grows. I understand what being a parent is, and how your love for them increasingly grows. And you really do love them equally!!! It is crazy!!! Then I understand we are all worthy. It has always been me who has held myself back.

So........I went into the doctor expecting to be put on another round of antibiotics, get another shot of rocephin, and sent home in tears. Instead I was sent home jumping up and down, smiling, and silently praying, "thank you!!! thank you!!!"

I came home and  took a deep breath!! Life could go back to normal. I need to appreciate normal more often. That is my goal this week enjoying the normal life that I lead. Picking up kids, finding poop in the vents, slipping in my dogs urine, telling my boys they can't have sword fights, (not with real swords the ones they use to go to the bathroom, urine is everywhere!!!) dancing to Justin Bieber, and just having a crazy wonderful normal life. I love it!

If I drank, (but I don't) I would give a toast to all of you and it would say, "To never having a Staph infection again. Because ladies and Gentlemen I just kicked that ones @!%$!%$@!!!!!

Ambiguous Loss--part 1

This post is going to be short, sweet, and straight to the point:)

I was so excited when I learned of Dr. Pauline Boss. She specializes in Ambiguous Loss and has written many books about it.

In her book, called "Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief" She talks about "frozen grief" and how we are meant to go through a mourning process. It is an excellent book and I am still in the process of reading it.

SO many people deal with ambiguous loss. My eyes were open to an entire world of people just like me. Whether it is a person gone missing in war, killed in action, missing in action,  divorced parents, where one parent is no longer even able to know the whereabouts of the other parent whether they are alive or not, people gone missing, runaways, an orphan mourning the unknown of absent parents, etc.

So many people in the same situation need knowledge, good knowledge, on how to deal with the pain they are experiencing. I highly recommend this book for everyone. It has so many good points and can help you relate to more people than you will ever realize. If you know of anyone who is struggling with ambiguous loss recommend this book. IT IS AMAZING.

DR. PAULINE BOSS    "AMBIGUOUS LOSS: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH UNRESOLVED GRIEF"
                                  Thanks you so much for reading:)             niki

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Worst day of my life....Jesse went missing.

The Christmas before Jesse went missing was one of the best I've ever had and the last one I would  ever have with my entire family. Sometimes I wish I knew and others I'm grateful I didn't. Jesse had been planning a trip to Kauai, Hawaii for a couple of months and was to leave for about 3-4 months and return in time to see the blessing of my baby in mid-march. Plans fell through with friends and Jesse decided to go alone. We begged him not to go because we had such a bad feeling about it but Jesse just stated, "Niki, nothing can happen to me. I'm invincible." smiling he just got us all laughing and he got away with it.
     Jesse was the life of the party, hilarious to be around, and surprisingly one of the most loving persons I have come in contact with. He is the person at the family gathering that if he is there then everyone wants to be there. His laugh was infectious and he is a huge missing piece in our hearts.
    Jesse went to Hawaii alone for 3 months and lived in an apartment there. He often went of on hikes on the kololoua trail in Kauai. It is a dangerous trail and meant for only experienced hikers. Jesse is a really good hiker so we weren't too worried about that but we were worried that he was going alone.
     So far he had been fine. About a week before he was to come home he called and told us he was going to go on one last hike and was to fly home for the blessing. We were all so excited to see him.
    Blessing day came and Jesse never showed up. We were in complete denial. That night, myself and a few family members had the same terrible dream about Jesse. He had died. I called mom and she reported him missing that day. We were numb. This was not happening.This happens to other people not us. Right? Or...... this only happens in the movies? Right??? We were at a loss. The police said they could do nothing because he was an adult. "He has the right to go missing". WOW.
     My dad immediately went over to Hawaii and searched for three weeks. He found his apartment full of all his things. His clothes were all there. Cleaned and folded, his bed made, and house well kept. It was as if he had just left to go to the store. I am so grateful to my dad and his efforts to find jesse. He handed out fliers both day and night all by himself. No one else could afford to make the trip. I often thought of this and how lonely and Hard it must have been looking for your son in a strange place not knowing what had happened to him. I am so grateful to him for his efforts in looking for my brother. It had to be the most difficult thing he'd ever experience. I often think of my boys. The thought of me going through this experience as a parent is excruciating. I feel my dad lost a part of his heart on that trip that he will never get back. How could you?
            As dad put up fliers, he put on the fliers that he would give a 5,000 dollar reward to whoever would give up any information leading to the discovery of Jesse. To everyone's shock and disbelief dad came home empty handed. No Jesse. No new information. No nothing. SILENCE. We were numb.
          The quote, "Its not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain",  Meant nothing here. We'd been struck by lightning. The storm hadn't even hit us.
          2 more painful weeks passed and dad received a phone call from a hiker. He was on the kololoua trail saying he thought he was looking at Jesse's campsite. Dad flew straight back to Hawaii and hiked the kololoua to the assumed campsite and it was indeed Jesse's campsite.
       How do we know??? Jesse's ipod was found along with other personal belongings that positively identified him at this campsite. I still have his shorts and favorite cowboy belt he always wore that were also found at the campsite. No signs of foul play. No notes. Just a clump of clothes on the ground,  a back pack, tent, some wood gathered for a campfire, and a hammock. The pictures taken of the campsite are so eerie and troubling. My dad was able to find a pocket knife later in another search. He paid scuba divers to search the waters below. There are cliffs everywhere in Kauai, that if you fell off one it would be next to impossible to find you. If they did find you, due to the heat, depending on how long you had been missing, your body could be very hard, if not impossible, to identify.
       After all the money my father paid and even my mother taking a trip over, still silence is all we have. I remember my mom telling me the most heartbreaking moment she had over there. She was in Jesse's apartment and packing up all his clothes to bring them home to Utah. As she looked at each shirt she was reminded of each moment she saw her beautiful boy wear each shirt. Tears welled in her eyes and she just put all the clothes in a pile on the bed and plopped herself on top of all her sweet little boys clothes and pulled them close into her arms. I pictured her like she was me, and how I would feel if it was my little boy. How I would just want to scoop up all those clothes and pretend they were my baby. She told me she closed her eyes and cried until she had no more tears to cry and then cried some more. While crying she would take a deep inhale of the clothes she held close to her face. "Oh, my sweet baby. Come home. Please. Let me hold you just one last time." She never wanted to move. Moving meant a part of her was letting go. Packing these clothes meant they would loose their scent. "I need that scent", "I miss him so much". The tears that were shed in that apartment are almost unbearable for me to even write about. My mother is an amazing woman with an amazing heart. Her love for her children is one of the greatest beauties in this entire world. When the beauty of a mothers love for her child has been shredded by untimely circumstance, (tragedy, murder, kidnapping, death, a child going missing, etc.), It is truly THE most heartbreaking things to witness. A mothers heartbreak is an unspeakable horror. I wish it for no woman in any circumstance, because the pain can be unbearable without help.  
       There is so much more to this story and the five years that have passed and I will be filling you all in as I can. Why am I doing this??? Well This is the 5th year Jesse has been missing we have done nothing for him. No funeral, No vigil, No nothing. For awhile, it was easy to just pretend he was on vacation and coming back soon. But that hasn't happened. So in his memory I wanted to start a blog about him and people like him. People who have gone missing. But I also wanted it to be a place for the missing person's family to be able to go to, to be able to connect with others who are like them with similar stories or backgrounds.
       I would love it if you would like to tell your story just to me or if you wanted to, share it on this blog. I think we can make a difference in a lot of people's lives. I not only care about your story, I care about you and how you are dealing with it. This is not easy and we shouldn't be doing it alone.
       Even if you don't have someone missing that you care about, depression is and suicide is a big thing we are fighting in my family. Please. I want to be here as someone who wants to help. I 'm here to say that it can and it does get better. If we would all just reach out we could all be strong together. Please join with me and even help me stand against what I fight each day.
          In memory of my beautiful brother and his amazing life, lets choose to live our best life and not just survive it!!!

.

My Brother Darren......Missing (News Report)

Posted by Sarah

Darren's story reported by Brent Hunsaker published 2/08/2011

Payson man's body returned from Brazil after 42 days

PAYSON, Utah (ABC 4 News) - Darren Cook loved Brazil and its people. He had served in the northern part of the country as a missionary for the Church of J
esus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 

Four years later, he returned as a tourist. 

He was also on the lookout for business opportunities. With both the World Cup and Olympics coming to Brazil, he thought there might be a way he could make money using his knowledge of the language and country.

But mostly, Darren Cook wanted an adventure. He left in November planning to stay four months. 

While in Rio de Janeiro in mid-December, he took off by himself to explore the waterfalls outside of the city. He did not return. Five days later his body was found. He had apparently fallen off a cliff.

Kyle and Holly Cook were initially told through an interpreter only that the body of an American had been found, but by the description of the clothing they knew it was Darren.

Darren’s parents immediately set about to convince authorities of what they already knew. 

They immediately sent Darren’s dental records via email only to be later told the digital files attached to the email were unacceptable. So, they sent physical copies of his dental x-rays by mail. They never arrived. They set another set by express mail. They arrived after seven days, but could only be retrieved by paying “a fee.”

“A half a world away and we just had no control. All we could do is call and beg,” said Darren’s father, Kyle Cook.

After authorities confirmed for themselves that the body was indeed Darren, then came the demands for money. On one particularly discouraging morning, Kyle Cook was awakened around 3:00 a.m. by a call telling him to deposit $29,000 in a Brazilian bank account. “You know I can’t come up with 29-thousand,” he remembers saying.

On another occasion he was told it would be cheaper to cremate the body. But as he looked into the option he discovered the supposed savings were eaten up in additional red tape and “fees.” “I don’t hate Brazil,” said Kyle Cook. “But I do have a problem with the bribes that are common.”

It seemed as if they would never be able to bring him home and would have to arrange for strangers to bury him in Brazil.

“There were days when I wondered if we were ever going to find the end to the nightmare that we were living,” said Holly Cook.

And in fact the Cook family believes that Darren’s body would still be in Brazil if it had not been for two “good Samaritans” – one in Utah and the other in Brazil – who volunteered their time and would not quit until the family, got closure.

Finally, after 42 agonizing days, the body came home and was buried in Payson.

“The US consulate called me 5 or 6 days after we had buried Darren and said, ‘Do you have any questions?’ And I said I’ve had 40 days of questions and nobody to ask those questions to. Where were you?”

Though Brazil’s economy has been the envy of South America and it’s won bids to host both the World Cup and summer Olympic Games, the Cook’s experience seems to show the country still has a long way to go to shed the image of a 3rd world country.

The Cooks don’t want their story to discourage other parents from allowing members of their own families to go to foreign countries. However, they want them to understand that if something goes wrong, the bureaucracies of those countries cannot be depended on to do the right thing.

Of Darren’s trip to Brazil, his mother Holly concluded, “I couldn’t hold him back. It was his dream to go, so we let him go. Just make sure you give them a hug before they leave.”

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Get your spring on!!

I see the morning dew so sweetly spread across the soft purple lilac meadow,
nothing but the breeze.
I see the ever lighting sky as the sun rises in the east,
yellow, orange, pink, red.
I see the shadows fade in to the background and watch my nightmare fall into the background,
faces, unrealistic expectations, timelines, duties
I close my eyes and take in my first breath of fresh air,
clean, smooth, refreshing, invigorating.
I open my eyes to a paradise sweet natural beauty.
free, balanced, peaceful, and quiet.
The smell of the lilacs are intoxicating and take my memories to great places.
Laughter, Smiles, Summer, Games.
As the sun keeps rising I feel its warmth upon my skin, warming my winter soul.
Cold, Long, Sad, Captive
So happy to see light,
So ready to end night,
cold be gone,
I want to get my summer on!!!


Yesterday was such a beautiful day and I hope and pray your day will be as good as mine was . I got too excited that spring is on its way I had to celebrate by writing something!!!! I can"t wait! May everyday be bright and full of your favorite things. I have to sometimes take a step back and look at the bigger picture. When I'm in it, I feel like it is a sloppy mess, but when I take a step back I realize I'm in the middle of making a Masterpiece:)

Love to my family during this week. Especially to Grandma. I love you. I will be writing a special post for you later!! I love you!!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Insomnia, kids, and poop

On occasion  I am up at night because my thoughts just won't just shut off!!! Ohhhhhhh, and it's not about any thing important either.  Just good old insomnia at its best. I love it.

So every night, and I do mean every night, our three year old Beckham sleeps with us. We try our hardest to get him  in his own bed. I have put him back in his bed literally 5 times in one night. So we folded for the time being. Just like I folded with potty training.

Potty training was a totally different ball game with Becks. I thought it would be simple. It wasn't. I first started him in under wear and asked him every half hour or so if he needed to go pee-pee or poo-poo. He always said "No no, mama. I fine." so it wasn't quite time to make him try I thought, so I left the room for maybe 2 minutes. I come back and the heater vent has been removed and I smell something awful throughout the entire house. I go over to the heater vent and Beckham is sitting there all smiles saying,"Mama, I poo-pooed!!!!" and he points down the heater vent. "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" I thought. I could see the dried poo smear from the top of the vent and knew this was going to be a long clean up. Just so you are aware, the heater vent was running, so  the smell is constantly being blasted in my face while I am cleaning this. Getting to the actual present was particularly nice. Had it been a little More solid life would have been better.

Life seemed a little more hopeful after that, Beckham had peed twice that day and no more heater business. I think we got him to know where the "real" potty was. The next day I awoke to a gross smell. A child poopey smell. Beckham was naked and running around. He was shouting, "I went poopie!!!" I was so excited so I checked all toilets..........no poop........no he didn't. "Beckham where did you poop?" and beckham smiled for a very long time but didn't answer. Then the heater turned on the entire house was filled with the smell of poo. I hurried and searched each vent. Finally I found it and cleaned it as thorooughly as possible. I have never been so frustraited.

He did it again the next day except this time I caught him. We were in the middle of afternoon nap and I decided to lay down this time. I woke to seeing two cute little butt cheeks and a stream a of pee spraying between his legs. I said, "That's it!!! I fold!! YOU WIN!!! Here are your diapers. I a m not up for this. We will try in a month. Beckham smiled. He knew He had just won. But guess what? I didn't care at that point. cleaning that vent was so gross. I need to develop a new tactical plan.

I'm also a big snuggler with my kids. At any given moment Kirt and I have at least one if not 2 kids in bed with us at a time...........we need it to stop. I love them but my brain has been zapped. It doesn't work anymore.

If any of you out there have suggestions on how to prevent your child from pooping in a vent that would be most helpful. Or,  if you had any suggestion from keeping all four of your children from waking you up every single night that would help too. Love my babies just wish I had it all figured out!!!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

THE BEGGARS PRAYER

To the heavens above from the earth below:

Hear the words of a simple beggars prayer.
Please let him know that you are there.
He walks in the shadows
because he's wanted in the gallows.
A life led in lies
with no family ties.
A child never wanted
His dreams always haunted.
Hopes of Redemption,
but thoughts of Contention.
No end in site,
Life has always been a fight.
He only tweny-three,
If only he could see.
A tear fall down his face,
as he looked back upon this place.
If only he knew of God's redeeming grace.
He fell upon his knees
and prayed to the his Lord Jesus, "Please..."
No others words were spoken
the man felt so incredibly broken.
In the silence he wept
for days he had not slept.
Christ's word's remained in his mind
be clean of body, thought, and mind.
So great was his remorse
so great was his plea
So great was his lord's plan.
His knee raw from kneeling
disappointed he had not received healing.
but suddenly a warmth.;
A calm, loving, beautiful warmth.
It filled his entire body
it made him feel like he was the most loved of everybody.
he fell upon his knees
and prayed to his Lord Jesus, "Please.....
".......Never shall I walk away from you. Never shall I fall. I thank you for the life you have given me that is what I love most of all. With out my choices I would not know trials. With out trials I would not know challenges. Without challenges I would have never been pushed to my limit. With out being pushed to my limit I would have never come looking for you. Come looking for something bigger than myself. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord........I love thee."

                                                                                                                                    Anonymous





It's not about waiting for the storm to pass....

      How are we coping as a family now after 5 years???

       I wish I could tell you we all handled this all so well and we are all so great. I wish I could tell you everyone had some sort of closure. Maybe some of us had a dream where Jesse came to them and told them he was so happy and he was in a better place. I wish I could tell you everyone was happy spiritually. Not to say that we were all apart of the same religion, but to say that we were at peace with  ourselves and God. I'd like to say that we have all come to grips with our internal conflicts with Jesse going missing. I wish I could say that my my heart is healed, but it is broken. That is one thing that I have accepted, for now. I am in the process of healing and finally comfortable with however long it may take to heal. I tried to push the process and it only made it worse.
      Some of my family members have found closure and I am so happy for them. Their personal experiences give me great comfort and I am so grateful for them in my life. Others are truly struggling. Depression is a very real thing. Everyday I worry I may loose a family member to it and thank god each day I don't.
       My family was and still is such a fun and funny family. Life, for most people, does not turn out the way we plan it to. Most of the time, not even how we want it to. Life is what we make of it. I have learned a positive attitude and a giving heart makes all the difference. 2 people's lives could be exactly the same as far as events go, but because of different attitudes one ends up living a life full of love and happiness and the other a life full of anger and guilt.
     For 4 years I was mad at God for taking Jesse from us. For confusing us like that. The worst part was, I didn't even know I was mad at God. I just stopped communicating with the outside world. I have always been a very spiritual person and loved the idea of something greater and bigger than us. I had always found peace in my faith and loved feeling close to God. Once Jesse went missing, I just stopped everything. I didn't even realize that is what I did. Until one day.
      I had a person in my life who was struggling very much and expressed that they were very angry with god. It was then I realized, I too, was furious with God. I thought to myself, "For what though?". I thought for a long time. What makes me so special that I should be the exception on not having this challenge??? This could have happened to anyone. It just ended up happening to me. Why should I be so bitter?
         I then thought over the last 4 years and realized I had wasted them.What good does it do to hate God? What good does it do to hate anybody? I can tell you after 4 four wasted years it does you no good. It just eats you up. It makes you miserable. If you do it long enough it can destroy the beautiful person you are.
       Tell me this. If you hate God, does it make a difference in your life? Yes. If you leave god out of  your life does it make a difference in your life? Yes. For both of these questions: Is it a negative or positive experience???  This is completely my opinion and from my experience; but I believe it is a very negative experience. I always felt like there was something missing. I was never fully satisfied with my life. I was always depressed. Even on my very best days I still felt a little sad. I didn't know it was because I was lacking in developing my spiritual side. Spirituality is a key to happiness that I think a lot of us overlook. It is well worth our time to develop it and serve others around us. The world needs more of it. Hating God is a waste of your time. Find something better to do. You are only doing yourself a disservice.
      There is another saying I love and I am not a preachy person, so forgive this entire page:) But goes something like, "If you thought life was to be one full of sunshine and pretty flowers, scattered with only a few storms; you are in for a great disappointment. For life was meant to have many storms scattered with little showers, to make room for the beautiful moments of sunshine and rainbows that will fill our memories and our hearts to give us strength to make it through the hurricanes that will try to drag us down. It is the storms that make the beautiful moments even more beautiful. Cherish them. Embrace them. Love them."                           niki

Thursday, March 7, 2013

4 sides to a Divorce

This post is just the thoughts I have had over the past 30 years on divorce and remarriage:)

I have always heard people say there are three sides to a divorce: the man's side, the women's side, and the truth. I've thought about that a lot. I used to think that was pretty accurate. Now, I think it is overlooking a very huge part of the divorce. A part that sees the good, the bad, and the ugly side of divorce. The children.
   

 I hear all the time, "Children are resilient, it won't really phase them. Half of today's couple's are getting divorced. It's pretty normal for a child to go through this. They will always have someone to talk to." I don't know if this has been your experience but it has been mine. I am a child from a divorced family and back then it was still a little unsettling to a lot of people to see a child from a "broken" home. I was unable to play with some kids because of my families'  circumstance and that was ok by me. Children are resilient. But coming from a child from a divorced family, it is anything but easy. Even if it is more "normal" in the outside world, to them, their world was just shattered.
    
 The divorce in my family was a welcomed one. My parents did not get along and I was afraid of my dad to say the least. That is all I will say on that. I love my father, and despite abuse as a child I would never want to say anything negative about him. He is a wonderful man and I hope his life is a happy one. I truly do love my dad. He is a good man. My parent just were not meant to be together.

My parents got divorced and all was chaos. We were being pulled in both directions. It was a "he" said, "she" said battle. Then we were tested to see who or what we believed. So tiring was the process. So many tears shed. So many sleepless nights. But, SO MANY lesson learned for my future family. Thank you mom and dad.

First and Foremost: KIDS ARE NOT STUPID!!! They see everything! They know there is his side, your side, and the truth. BUT! They're never going to be able to undo what THEY saw. So there is also their side. Which they will believe a whole lot more than anyone else's side. No matter how much you try to convince them.

As a child, growing up and having my parents divorced at first was pretty awesome. We would play the "get me everything" game. I'm sure all you divorced parents know that one. You know, the one where: who can get the kid the better present that week, or best vacation that year. We got some pretty sweet stuff. But if I'm honest with you, that stuff really doesn't matter in the long run. It gets really old really fast. Plus, we turn into stuck up brats. Nobody wants that.

Competing. Divorced parents should never compete with each other. The kids will see right through it. They know they are taking advantage of you. They still need to respect you. You are still their parents. I would've felt a lot more secure had my parents at least talked to each other and communicated. Even though you are divorced you still have to work as a team. That will make the transition so much smoother.

Fighting: Fighting just makes things worse and yelling will scare the children. Yelling is the first way to a road block in a relationship with your child. It scares them and a wall will start to build if you aren't careful. Speaking calmly and slowly will put the kids at ease and teach them how to handle a stressful situation. I used to think that everyone was supposed to yell when they got mad. My husband came from home that NEVER yelled. So the change was to say the least, difficult. They  will learn how to treat others by your example. They can often choose a spouse because of your example. Be careful what you say and do to one another. Because they see everything.

REMARRIAGE: As a child. (I was 16, so not really a child) My father got remarried pretty quickly. I was so angry! I thought I hated his new wife. In truth I was just mad at my father. I ended up loving my new step-mother. She was  constantly loving despite how unconditionally mean I was to her. She always loved me back. That is how she won me over. She literally killed me with kindness. I love her for it. (She passed away from ovarian cancer and I miss her dearly.)

While they were married, the one thing they did right was, they always made us feel welcome. We were so mad at our father for getting remarried so fast. (One month after the divorce was final.) We never wanted to come and visit. Dad would still always come to the house to see if anyone was coming. Or he would call just to say "hi". Little things to know he cared. The key was consistency and persistence. He never gave up. He convinced us he still cared about us.  It is never the big trips or the big presents kids care about. it is the phone calls, texts,  and the stopping by that let them know you care. Their persistence paid off and we started to come around more. We felt cared for.

Tips: They tell you they hate you? Obviously that's not true. If they say that with any emotion whatsoever, they don't hate you. You have hurt them so deeply they don't know what else to say. Never get into a relationship and pick one family over the other. In the end you will regret the decision. Try to involve both families. At least let them know you care.  Don't ever cut off communication with your own family.  I just spoke to a man I worked with who just went to the his sons funeral. He and his wife of 10 years attended the funeral. The wife wanted nothing to do with his kids. So the man had not seen or been in contact with his kids for over 9 1/2 years. I will never forget what he said to me. He said, "I never thought I would be a stranger at my own sons funeral." he paused and then regrettably said, "I should have tried harder to make things work."

Pride gets in the way of a lot of things and I hope it doesn't get in the way of your marriage or your divorce or even your remarriage. I know sometimes I have a hard time with it. I am definitely not perfect. These are just a few things I have learned from in my own personal life. I know there is so much more that people out there know and have learned but that is my taste on it.

All that matters is how the kids are doing. Make sure your kids are ok. You made the decision to get married. Now you made the decision to get divorced. Handle it well and so will the kids. Yelling scares them. Fighting will make them bitter and angry. Laughing will make them fun and funny. The "he" said "she" said game hurts them. It tears them up inside. If you love them, do not speak badly about each other. They love both of you. They do not want to pick a side. Don't make them.

Good luck all you parents! Don't be too hard on yourself, remember its the little things that count. They don't care about the big stuff. Play cards with them, have a tea party, wrestle, go to their games, just be there when they need you. You are amazing parent you have to believe in yourself!



Monday, March 4, 2013

COLORS

I love life. I think it is so much fun. I love to wake up in the summer and hear the buzz of lawn mowers in the morning. The smell of fresh cut grass makes my morning run feel refreshing and uplifting all at the same time. I love to come home and see the smiles on all four of my beautiful children's faces as I walk into the front door. Beckham, the tiniest of the four, comes bolting to my calves screaming "Mommy!!!" as if he hasn't seen me in years, while the others follow. They are starving, so I begin to cook breakfast.

I love the smell of bacon in the morning. It reminds me of happy days with my grandpa Ogden. Every morning he would wake us with the smell of his fresh cooked bacon. I would awake and run as fast as I could to get the best bar stool. Whoever got there first was made the first egg. I always wanted my egg first. I loved watching the sun rise and watch it slowly hit the crystal ball they always had hanging in their kitchen window. When the sun hit it just right, tiny bits of sun-light blasted all over the walls in every which direction and every different shape. Beautiful.

I love the sunset. When I was a teenager, and was needing time to think, I would climb out the window of my house, and sit on the roof up by the chimney. The colors were never the same. Purple, blue, green, yellow, orange, violet, any shade in any variety blending so beautifully into one another. The soft blending of colors brought calmness to my soul and peace to my thoughts. Life felt more simple. I would inhale the soft summer air and soak in the colors the sunset had to offer that night. Love in my heart and peace to my mind. The colors reset my thinking.

I love color.  I love color in nature but I also love color in life. That's what gives us strength. Color can drive the strongest apart or the weakest together. Without color the whiteout is certain. Color is the dynamic in life that gives us the challenges we must face. Challenges are certain. Just unpredictable.

Unpredictable. My personal challenge.

First: In fifth grade I was riding my bike down a steep hill and ran into a fence and fell into a ditch. My leg had a two inch deep cut, that was about three inches long. Three days later I developed a severe Staph infection and was on IV antibiotics for a month. I visited the hospital everyday. When the infection was gone I was later told I nearly lost my leg. God had saved my leg.

Second:  When I was sixteen, I got into a rollover car accident on the free-way where I was thrown 30 feet. I presumed dead at the scene of the crash. Amazingly, I survived the crash and made it to the hospital. Upon my mothers' arrival to the hospital the Doctors' informed her I was not going to make it. They stated I had a massive blood clot in my aorta. That they would not be able to get there in time to remove it, and they were waiting for it to move and I would simply bleed out. My mother was devastated..........................................................................................two hours passed..................................................................................no blood clot. A miracle. It had vanished. A broken back, a metal plate and six screws in my collar bone, and internal injuries gallor. I was alive. God saved my life.

Third:  I was at work and scratched my elbow on the door frame. I went to change a patients dressing and washed my hands. I noticed the scratch on my elbow and hurried and washed it. Knowing that MRSA is a common infection looming around in care centers, I tried to be very thorough. (MRSA-is a super infection resistant to most antibiotics and extremely difficult to get rid of.) Within 2 days my arm was double in size. Within two weeks, I was on IV antibiotics. Within Three months: four hospital stays, two surgeries, and two rounds of IV antibiotics.The infection had gone in to my lymph nodes and I slept for over a month while I was being treated with medicine. I remember nothing of that time. Finally, by four months: three surgeries, three rounds of IV antibiotics, and six hospital stays, the infection was gone. I was left with little muscle and strength. BUT, I was alive. God saved my life.

Fourth: One year later. A knee ligament transplant surgery. My knee always dislocates. This surgery has fixed that. After surgery I developed a another staph infection (that is 3 so far) Instead of progressing in my physical therapy I started regressing in it. The risk of maintaining a healthy ligament lay in the balance. My leg doubled in size and the pain was intense. My knee became stiff and the risk of a second surgery was likely. "What is it you want me to learn from all of this?" I found myself asking. "What can I learn from this?", "What did I do wrong last time?", "What am I missing?" I started to wonder why I kept getting all of these infections.  I have been taught God knows all and has his reasons. We must trust in him, but sometimes I find it hard to jump.

It took over three months but, thankfully, my infection was cured. After a year of work, my  knee has returned to full health and is functioning to its full capacity. God saved my knee.

Fact: If you have had a Staph infection before, you are 10 times more likely to get it again than someone who has not gotten staph. Staph is a serious infection and has been known to deadly when not treated soon enough. At times, even when treated soon enough, the infection can be lethal. It is not to be taken lightly and the four months it  took out of our family's life forever changed us. I will tell you how later.

Fifth: Current: I was cutting my toenails 2 days ago. I nicked the side of my big toe. The next day it was double in size and red was streaking up my foot. I immediately went to the insta care. The culture came back today. I have another staph infection. "Hmph." I thought. I had no reaction. I may have even wanted to laugh. Kirt was a little angry. I was a little confused. I'm not trying to be dramatic in the least but...........boy does this infection want to kill me or what?!

I was in the insta care alone and had my toe cleaned out by the doctors. That is when I received the news. The doctor is Kirt's best friend's Mom whom I truly admire. She Is so kind and loving. She knew how much this scared me, due to the fact that this infection nearly killed me once before. I simply stated, "I just don't want to tell Kirt."

Kirt came to pick me up from the insta care and as I got in the car he said, "Wow. Niki. It has been such a long day. These kids are driving me nuts." I smiled and thought,. "oh great! Now this is really going to be hard telling him. Poor Kirt. This man needs a break

The previous time we had this challenge and I nearly left this life, Kirt excelled as a Father.  When push came to shove he pushed, shoved, punched, and kicked back. He nursed me back to health. He was with me every step of the way. For a month Kirt was a stay at home Dad. He relates to me so much better. He is so grateful he gets to go to work in the morning. He knows being a mother is the hardest job in the world. He fought for his family and won.

The look on that mans face when I told him I had staph again was complete defeat. My heart could have shattered. I looked back to the time he had spent carrying this family through my last sickness. I could see through his brilliant blue eyes the piercing pain he was in and the fear he held inside them.

Some of the Colors of this world are very dark and hard to see through. You find yourself asking, "Where am I?" and "How did I even get here?" Sometimes they are so dark you will stop and ask, "How could I possibly learn anything more here? There is nothing left to see!!! WE'VE DONE THIS A MILLION TIMES!!!!" Often times the colors can be bright and clear. A clear mistake with a clear solution. Whenever the  color is blended and I am a little confused, I stop to think. I look to a sunset, the stars, or a rainbow. I let my thoughts drift, and think to myself the many gifts in my life. I smile at each one of them. Kirt, Lexi, Chase, Landon, Beckham. I think how far we have come. How much more we value life now.

Since my near dear death in  2010, our family has changed drastically. Everything we thought mattered doesn't. The ONLY thing that matters is family and God. I truly cherish every moment with them. My house is usually messy. My laundry is never done. My dishes are usually piled high.BUT I am playing with my kids. I thought at one point I might not be there for them. That is my biggest fear.  Children are messy and can drive you insane. But they are the beautiful bright clear brilliant colors we work towards and go through all the dark tunnels and twists and turns to see their beautiful sunsets. We fight for them.

I don't know why challenges come when they do. Sometimes I will learn from the challenge and others I will never find the meaning of the obstacle. I do know they have always made me stronger.  My  challenges color is laced with infection and tied to health struggles. I pray to god like I have before, that this infection be cured and I remain healthy and strong for my cute babies. God please cure my foot.

For all the rainbows in the world and colors so beautiful, may the sun shine bright on your rainiest day to bring up a stronger you in the morning.                                                      niki