I constantly find myself resetting. Finding new normals each day, each week, maybe even each minute.
But what is normal? Some idea I've made up in my head as the perfect way life
should be lived? Because, for some reason my idea of normal always makes me end up falling short of my own expectations. And to this day, I don't even know what I expect from myself.
I'm sitting here in the hospital next to my baby little boy. He has just had an MRI of his brain to try and see why he keeps having so many headaches each and every day.
"I am fine." I keep telling myself. "This situation is just fine. Everyone goes through difficult times. Maybe this will be one of them."
But the constant beeping was going to drive me insane!! Every few seconds a beep, beep, beep, beep.......
Beckham had been sedated for the MRI. So, he had to stay awhile and be hooked up to a monitor at the hospital to ensure his safety. At the same time, the little beeping gave some sort of comfort. It was telling me my son was breathing and his cute little heart was beating.
That didn't stop me from having thoughts of throwing it across the room in hopes to hear it shatter in to a thousands pieces...........
"OK, maybeeeee...............I'm not fine. Maybe I am a little freaked out that it has come this far to figure out why my son is having headaches."
I don't know about you, but I am a freaking psycho when it comes to my kids and what "could" be wrong with them.
For instance, if my child suddenly got some crazy rash, all the worst scenarios play out in my head immediately.
"It's chicken pox for sure. Wait! What if its the measles? It's the plague. I just know it. It's the plague."
OK, maybe not that extreme as the plague. But you get the point. Plus, I'm not an idiot.......most of the time:)
It seemed like an eternity, but little becks woke up, acted a little drunk, and was just fine.
The Radiologist came in, which has never happened in my life. They usually look at your images and send them to your doctor and then you get the results. He informed us that everything looked normal for Beckham.
I didn't realize it but my entire body had been flexed. When he said those words, I felt my entire body relax.
Life is constantly changing. We have to adapt to each change as they come. Good or bad. Whether it is going back to school, a new job, a loved one sent off to war, a new baby, the loss of a loved one, moving.........all kinds of different things.
They cause us at first to be unbalanced. A power struggle. Seeking your new normal. But here is what I have realized while trying to have a perfect house, with a perfect schedule, and a perfect smile to go with it.
It's crap.
Life is not normal. So if you are seeking it, stop. Life is full of beauty and mystery. It changes daily. Just like the whether is, so are our lives. Full of light and warmth. Our thunder storms come unexpectedly and can last longer than we would like. But through the storm always comes the light.
Expect the unexpected. You are your new normal. Love who you are today not who you will be tomorrow.
I'm so grateful baby Becks is in the clear. Thank you for all the prayers. Most of all thank you God for giving me the blessing of a healthy baby boy.
