Forgive me if sometimes I beat this subject over and over like a dirty, old, dead, gross, dusty, door mat. BUT---I was watching the news the other day and I just have to get this off my chest or I think I might just burst. And we all know that is a remedy for disaster.....
I was watching the news the other night and I saw an update on a young man who had been held captive most of his life. He had gone missing when he was about 6 and finally found at about 17 years of age.
The interview was quite fascinating. His point of view and his optimism on life was truly admirable. At one point the person giving the interview just stopped the man in the middle of answering one of her questions and said. "How is it that after so long in captivity, you didn't just loose hope of ever escaping?" The man stopped, but stopped for just a moment to think. Just a moment. Looked up at the person giving the interview and said. "Because they never gave up." Tears began to well up inside the mans eyes.
He was talking about his mother and father.
For those long eleven years his parents continued on their quest looking for their son. Never forgetting that he could still be alive. I do not remember this young man's name so I am going to call him Steve.
While Steve was held in captivity he was allowed to watch TV. On occaison he would see news clippings of his parents. Still, after all these years looking for their son, trying to spread the word about their missing son.
On occasion Steven was able to sneak and get access to a computer and surf the internet. He was able to see his parents website that was dedicated to him. They continued to update it for eleven years, giving Steven the strength to endure his captivity. His courage is truly inspiring.
Now......I know Stevens' case is unique. And most of the time a missing persons case doesn't end up that way. In fact, EVERY missing person case is different and UNIQUE.
Life is full of surprises. One day life is normal and then it is never the same again. It shifts. A new normal needs to be found.
The one thing I am so amazed at is the power of love. People say you can't see it, but that isn't true. It glistens in the eyes of the ones who love you back.
The people I love have such a strong hold on my heart. Forgetting them would be impossible. This blog will forever be dedicated to Jesse. When I write on it, I will always have him on my mind. (even if I don't mention him in the post.) So if you are out there Jesse, know we haven't forgotten you. (and you better come home......that is a threat;) We will never loose hope.
I do feel very blessed in my life. I've had a very happy one. I've learned so much. My kids are my greatest gifts and my husband my best friend. Thank you all for all your support and love. It has truly helped so much. Thank you. Thank you!
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
Trials Define Me....?
It has been a long time since I last posted. After Jesse's memorial I
couldn't see myself ever writing again. I had feared writing would stir
up feelings inside me I didn't want to feel anymore. BUT---late, late,
late last night I decided to check my blog and read some old posts.
To my surprise, I had seven new messages waiting for me to read. Most of them were from anonymous people. Each message was a compliment of some kind. I was shocked. I didn't think anyone read this blog besides family. Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. It gave me courage when I thought I had none.
I've been honest in my thoughts and struggles I have had throughout these past 5 years without my little brother. For people to say some of my posts have helped them means more to me than anyone could ever know. If this blog has impacted ANYONE it has been worth the effort.
Over the past 3 months I have done a lot of thinking and healing. The memorial did more for me than I ever thought possible. It made me realize what I let my trials do to me. I was my trial.
Everyone is different and unique. Every experience we have in life influences us into the people we are today. Some people are soft spoken, some are loud, some are opinionated and judgmental. Our personalities and view on life is shaped by the trials we have faced. How we respond to each trial is what makes you strong or breaks you down.
My trials were in control of me. They made all of the decisions. They called all of the shots. I was broken. I knew I was broken. It was if I accepted that this was how it was and there is nothing I can do about it. I surrendered to my trials. They had won. I gave up.
Every time I thought I hit rock bottom the floor dropped another 5 feet. Rock bottom didn't seem to exist anymore. It was an endless hole I had fallen into. I had no hope of crawling out. I accepted my black hole.
Soon happiness seemed like a foreign word. I couldn't remember what the word even meant. This was my new normal. I felt a deep panic inside of me. My only thought was, "RUN!!!". I wanted to run away from everything. Run from the pain and confusion. Most of all, I wanted to run away from my responsibilities. "It was too much", I told myself. I wanted simple. I wanted to disappear.
Kirt, my husband, had no idea how to help me. He couldn't help me. I was the only person who could help me.
I had a choice to make. Take this trial and learn from it and use it as a stepping stone in my life. OR, let this trial define me and control every aspect of my life.
Some trials can seem like the highest mountain. They can seem like they will never end. There is no top, just a steeper and steeper climb.
I think back to when this trial began and then see what my life is now because of it. I had to make a decision. Give in or get up.
I decided to get up. I prayed to God. "I am not strong enough. I am too weak. I can't do this on my own. Help me give this trial to you. Help me believe again. Take this pain away from me.....please?"
It took a little while but slowly my pain lessened. The anger and resentment I had felt towards life had finally left me. My trial no longer defined me. I defined it.
Everyone has challenges in their life. Some people I have met and talked to them about a challenge or trial they are facing. I have caught myself saying, "I could never handle that trial." How are they able to move on with their life and be so happy??? Then, I think of my own trials and am grateful for the trials I am faced with. I am grateful my trials are mine and their trials are theirs.
Trials can make you strong and teach you understanding. I am so grateful for what I have learned from my brothers disappearance. Although I would prefer he never went missing, the priceless lessons I have learned and the friendships I have made because of this trial are irreplaceable.
I view the world differently. I have learned that each challenge in life could always be worse than it is at the moment. I have learned to always try to look at a situation at every angle possible. How can I learn from this? What could this teach me?
My brother's disappearance taught me to appreciate family a million times more. They are a precious gift in this life. You never know if the moments you spend with them will be your last. I have learned to treat them more kindly and really appreciate who they are and what they mean to me. Sometimes we treat those we love the most, the worst, and those we know the least, the best. I am trying my best to make those special in my life a priority and not take them for granted. I love you guys!
Most importantly, Jesse taught me to live life to the fullest and then even a little more. Life has its ups, downs, twists and turns, but it is always beautiful. Some days it might not feel like it will ever be beautiful again. Sometimes it can be dark and lonely. But, the sunlight will come. It may take awhile, but it does eventually come. You will have the courage and the strength to fight another day.
And please believe me when I say it is worth fighting for.
To my surprise, I had seven new messages waiting for me to read. Most of them were from anonymous people. Each message was a compliment of some kind. I was shocked. I didn't think anyone read this blog besides family. Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. It gave me courage when I thought I had none.
I've been honest in my thoughts and struggles I have had throughout these past 5 years without my little brother. For people to say some of my posts have helped them means more to me than anyone could ever know. If this blog has impacted ANYONE it has been worth the effort.
Over the past 3 months I have done a lot of thinking and healing. The memorial did more for me than I ever thought possible. It made me realize what I let my trials do to me. I was my trial.
Everyone is different and unique. Every experience we have in life influences us into the people we are today. Some people are soft spoken, some are loud, some are opinionated and judgmental. Our personalities and view on life is shaped by the trials we have faced. How we respond to each trial is what makes you strong or breaks you down.
My trials were in control of me. They made all of the decisions. They called all of the shots. I was broken. I knew I was broken. It was if I accepted that this was how it was and there is nothing I can do about it. I surrendered to my trials. They had won. I gave up.
Every time I thought I hit rock bottom the floor dropped another 5 feet. Rock bottom didn't seem to exist anymore. It was an endless hole I had fallen into. I had no hope of crawling out. I accepted my black hole.
Soon happiness seemed like a foreign word. I couldn't remember what the word even meant. This was my new normal. I felt a deep panic inside of me. My only thought was, "RUN!!!". I wanted to run away from everything. Run from the pain and confusion. Most of all, I wanted to run away from my responsibilities. "It was too much", I told myself. I wanted simple. I wanted to disappear.
Kirt, my husband, had no idea how to help me. He couldn't help me. I was the only person who could help me.
I had a choice to make. Take this trial and learn from it and use it as a stepping stone in my life. OR, let this trial define me and control every aspect of my life.
Some trials can seem like the highest mountain. They can seem like they will never end. There is no top, just a steeper and steeper climb.
I think back to when this trial began and then see what my life is now because of it. I had to make a decision. Give in or get up.
I decided to get up. I prayed to God. "I am not strong enough. I am too weak. I can't do this on my own. Help me give this trial to you. Help me believe again. Take this pain away from me.....please?"
It took a little while but slowly my pain lessened. The anger and resentment I had felt towards life had finally left me. My trial no longer defined me. I defined it.
Everyone has challenges in their life. Some people I have met and talked to them about a challenge or trial they are facing. I have caught myself saying, "I could never handle that trial." How are they able to move on with their life and be so happy??? Then, I think of my own trials and am grateful for the trials I am faced with. I am grateful my trials are mine and their trials are theirs.
Trials can make you strong and teach you understanding. I am so grateful for what I have learned from my brothers disappearance. Although I would prefer he never went missing, the priceless lessons I have learned and the friendships I have made because of this trial are irreplaceable.
I view the world differently. I have learned that each challenge in life could always be worse than it is at the moment. I have learned to always try to look at a situation at every angle possible. How can I learn from this? What could this teach me?
My brother's disappearance taught me to appreciate family a million times more. They are a precious gift in this life. You never know if the moments you spend with them will be your last. I have learned to treat them more kindly and really appreciate who they are and what they mean to me. Sometimes we treat those we love the most, the worst, and those we know the least, the best. I am trying my best to make those special in my life a priority and not take them for granted. I love you guys!
Most importantly, Jesse taught me to live life to the fullest and then even a little more. Life has its ups, downs, twists and turns, but it is always beautiful. Some days it might not feel like it will ever be beautiful again. Sometimes it can be dark and lonely. But, the sunlight will come. It may take awhile, but it does eventually come. You will have the courage and the strength to fight another day.
And please believe me when I say it is worth fighting for.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
I found my missing piece.....
After a long break, I am finally able to write again. In the past 4 weeks we have moved, gone to Lake Powell for a week, and planned and attended my brothers memorial......so writing just wasn't possible.
Inner peace. For five years I have had a deep hole in my heart. One that I thought would never mend. Inner peace was only a dream for me. But.....I am here to say, hearts can mend. There is life after tragedy, and the only way to mend that heart is by facing your challenge head on.
Thursday, July 11, 2013, was a life saving day. It was the day of my brother's memorial.
I had no idea how much I needed this.
I have finally received closure from an impossible situation.
Everyone in the family spoke. When it came to be my turn, I was sobbing. I thought I would never make it through my talk. But, amazingly, I was able to calm my crying and talk about my baby brother.
After I spoke a great peace came over me. I had faced my biggest fear. I felt so happy,
To celebrate jesse's life was what our family needed. Emotions were high, but in the end peace is all I felt.
I wanted jesse to know how much I loved him. How much I cared. I haven't been able to speak about him in public since he left.
A great weight has been lifted off me. I was finally able to do something for one of my best friends. That is what the missing piece was to my healing process. I found my missing piece!!!!
Isn't it strange, that the things that we feel most afraid of aren't really that scary once you finally face them.
I am so grateful to feel I have celebrated my brother's life. It was the last piece in finding a way to have some sort of closure.
I may never know where jesse is in this life. And that in itself is a true tragedy. But I finally found a way to look beyond my pain and beyond sorrows.
I am for the first time in five years, excited for life. Excited to wake up in the morning. I love life again!!
After all my family has been through, I can honestly say, god works his miracles. I could have turned away and been bitter with the world. But through gods tender whispers and gentle touch, He carried me through this. Some days I was lucky to be alive. He saved me in more ways I can count. Thank you.
To my brother Jesse:
My life will never be complete until I will see you again. The ache of your disappearance nearly killed me. But through constant prayer and after constant praying I have found peace.
I know I will see you. There is no doubt in my mind our lives will intersect again. I love you, my cute sweet baby brother. Life with out you will always seem wrong. Family dinners are meant to be with you. They will never be the same.
But my love for you is more than this life. It expands into the eternities. That love for you has kept me strong in a weak situation. You lived life so carefree. You taught me to not take my life so seriously. I love everything about you.
I can honestly say, had god not litterally lifted me up off the floor I had been laying on and carried me back into reality I would have not survived this challenge.
God lives. And only through him can we endure our greatest life's challenge's. Thank you to all who have supported me and my family. There is life after tragedy.............And it is wonderful.
love niki
Inner peace. For five years I have had a deep hole in my heart. One that I thought would never mend. Inner peace was only a dream for me. But.....I am here to say, hearts can mend. There is life after tragedy, and the only way to mend that heart is by facing your challenge head on.
Thursday, July 11, 2013, was a life saving day. It was the day of my brother's memorial.
I had no idea how much I needed this.
I have finally received closure from an impossible situation.
Everyone in the family spoke. When it came to be my turn, I was sobbing. I thought I would never make it through my talk. But, amazingly, I was able to calm my crying and talk about my baby brother.
After I spoke a great peace came over me. I had faced my biggest fear. I felt so happy,
To celebrate jesse's life was what our family needed. Emotions were high, but in the end peace is all I felt.
I wanted jesse to know how much I loved him. How much I cared. I haven't been able to speak about him in public since he left.
A great weight has been lifted off me. I was finally able to do something for one of my best friends. That is what the missing piece was to my healing process. I found my missing piece!!!!
Isn't it strange, that the things that we feel most afraid of aren't really that scary once you finally face them.
I am so grateful to feel I have celebrated my brother's life. It was the last piece in finding a way to have some sort of closure.
I may never know where jesse is in this life. And that in itself is a true tragedy. But I finally found a way to look beyond my pain and beyond sorrows.
I am for the first time in five years, excited for life. Excited to wake up in the morning. I love life again!!
After all my family has been through, I can honestly say, god works his miracles. I could have turned away and been bitter with the world. But through gods tender whispers and gentle touch, He carried me through this. Some days I was lucky to be alive. He saved me in more ways I can count. Thank you.
To my brother Jesse:
My life will never be complete until I will see you again. The ache of your disappearance nearly killed me. But through constant prayer and after constant praying I have found peace.
I know I will see you. There is no doubt in my mind our lives will intersect again. I love you, my cute sweet baby brother. Life with out you will always seem wrong. Family dinners are meant to be with you. They will never be the same.
But my love for you is more than this life. It expands into the eternities. That love for you has kept me strong in a weak situation. You lived life so carefree. You taught me to not take my life so seriously. I love everything about you.
I can honestly say, had god not litterally lifted me up off the floor I had been laying on and carried me back into reality I would have not survived this challenge.
God lives. And only through him can we endure our greatest life's challenge's. Thank you to all who have supported me and my family. There is life after tragedy.............And it is wonderful.
love niki
Monday, June 10, 2013
Memorial.....
Increased anxiety about this memorial fills me up inside. Is this going to feel like closure? I have no idea. I've never talked to anyone who's done a memorial. I've never talked to someone who had a "funeral" with out an actual body. I'm just grateful we get to do one for my baby brother Jesse.
The invites have been passed out! The plans are in place. I hope this memorial brings peace to all those who have suffered the ache of Jesse's absence.
To anyone who has a missing loved one, my heart goes out to you. The confusion of a memorial, such as this, is hard to take in. Mixed feelings feel me up inside.
Will I never know what happened to Jesse? Will I find peace if I never know? I am nauseous just thinking about the day of his memorial.
As I have said before, some of this blog is about how me and my family have coped with dissappearance of my brother. My hope is to let anyone out there who has a missing loved one, that there are others out there just like you.
My emotions are happy and content at this very moment. I hope that it stays that way forever. But I know there will be the waves of anger and worry that can creep up inside me. This challenge is a roller coaster of emotions that I wish would shut off.
As of today, my family is doing quite well. I worry for my mother. Her grief is unimaginable.
Some in the family are ready and want to do the memorial. Others are not. At what point do you have a memorial for a missing person? I wish I had a rule book, or a set of guide lines to follow.
Plans are in place. A light dinner with each family member set to share something about Jesse. Family all around celebrating a life we all treasured.
I wonder how everyone else feels. I'm scared to face this day. It is a strange anticipation. Eager to get it over with but at the same time, never wanting the day to come.
But---at the same time, so excited to be able to talk about my brother. I miss talking about him. For many, the subject is off limits or extremely awkward. What do you say to someone who has a missing loved one? Most are shocked at the news and change the subject.
How grateful I am for a night of complete honesty. For a chance to remember him. I fear I am loosing parts of his memory due to time. I am grateful for a reminder of how great he really was.
I am so grateful for the family that has been there for us. I am so grateful to those who plan to attend. It is a good feeling to know you aren't alone in this process of loss.
In all honesty. I am excited to see all my family members. This will be a fantastic day.
To all those who have lost someone, I am so sorry. These kind of days are the ones you think you will never face.
I'm just glad I don't have to face it alone.
The invites have been passed out! The plans are in place. I hope this memorial brings peace to all those who have suffered the ache of Jesse's absence.
To anyone who has a missing loved one, my heart goes out to you. The confusion of a memorial, such as this, is hard to take in. Mixed feelings feel me up inside.
Will I never know what happened to Jesse? Will I find peace if I never know? I am nauseous just thinking about the day of his memorial.
As I have said before, some of this blog is about how me and my family have coped with dissappearance of my brother. My hope is to let anyone out there who has a missing loved one, that there are others out there just like you.
My emotions are happy and content at this very moment. I hope that it stays that way forever. But I know there will be the waves of anger and worry that can creep up inside me. This challenge is a roller coaster of emotions that I wish would shut off.
As of today, my family is doing quite well. I worry for my mother. Her grief is unimaginable.
Some in the family are ready and want to do the memorial. Others are not. At what point do you have a memorial for a missing person? I wish I had a rule book, or a set of guide lines to follow.
Plans are in place. A light dinner with each family member set to share something about Jesse. Family all around celebrating a life we all treasured.
I wonder how everyone else feels. I'm scared to face this day. It is a strange anticipation. Eager to get it over with but at the same time, never wanting the day to come.
But---at the same time, so excited to be able to talk about my brother. I miss talking about him. For many, the subject is off limits or extremely awkward. What do you say to someone who has a missing loved one? Most are shocked at the news and change the subject.
How grateful I am for a night of complete honesty. For a chance to remember him. I fear I am loosing parts of his memory due to time. I am grateful for a reminder of how great he really was.
I am so grateful for the family that has been there for us. I am so grateful to those who plan to attend. It is a good feeling to know you aren't alone in this process of loss.
In all honesty. I am excited to see all my family members. This will be a fantastic day.
To all those who have lost someone, I am so sorry. These kind of days are the ones you think you will never face.
I'm just glad I don't have to face it alone.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Scared to take a Jump....
In this journey I have been on called life, there is one thing for certain, nothing is certain. Your life is never laid out in front of you so you can plan accordingly.
In all my experiences, I have never felt so certain about this one thing.(that I will not be naming)
For example, how steady a job was going to be, or maybe the person you were sure you were going to marry didn't feel the same way, or you thought for certain, some of the challenges you have faced, only happened in the movies.
So I have my life planned out at 16 years old and am sure it will go exactly to plan. NO one can tell me differently, I will make it happen. People smile and nod. They think they know everything.
So this plan I have or had. It didn't really go exactly they way I planned it to.
Sometimes I find myself in shock at the challenges people face and are able to carry on with such faith and happiness.
Well, one if my little/big plans I had in life didn't work out at all how I expected. Actually I felt it blew up in my face. I found myself in wonder with God. "How could I have been so sure about something and turn out completely wrong?"
My confidence in myself was completely shattered. Trusting in my thoughts and feelings were now at question. I was mind blown.
A lesson I think I wasn't ready for.
Sometimes I think the choices we make are completely ours to make. There are no right or wrong answers. It is simply our choice. How little confidence I have in myself when the choice is up to me. I'd rather god tell me the right choice. Then I would never make any bad decisions.
I was wrong. How completely stumped I was when the choice I had thought so right, ended up being so wrong. It is a challenge in itself to admit you are wrong.
Just like thinking a job was going to be steady and the next day you are fired. Or proposing to your one true love and finding she does not feel the same way.You may find yourself hesitant to trust yourself with the next big decision in your life.
But I have learned that trusting in yourself is one of life's great lessons. Trust your instincts. Act on them. Just because life has not gone according to plan does not mean that it is not beautiful.
Trust yourself. Be confident in yourself. Life may seem crazy and can seem to take you in a direction you never thought possible. But there is reason behind it. Find it.
These twists and turns are set in place to challenge us beyond our capabilities. To make us strong.
"God does give us challenges we cannot handle. It is only through him we are able to face the rain and thunder that challenge our lives. Soon that storm will break way into that beautiful sunshine that is always waiting on the other side."
Trust in yourself. Your instincts are right. You just need to act on them.
In all my experiences, I have never felt so certain about this one thing.(that I will not be naming)
For example, how steady a job was going to be, or maybe the person you were sure you were going to marry didn't feel the same way, or you thought for certain, some of the challenges you have faced, only happened in the movies.
So I have my life planned out at 16 years old and am sure it will go exactly to plan. NO one can tell me differently, I will make it happen. People smile and nod. They think they know everything.
So this plan I have or had. It didn't really go exactly they way I planned it to.
Sometimes I find myself in shock at the challenges people face and are able to carry on with such faith and happiness.
Well, one if my little/big plans I had in life didn't work out at all how I expected. Actually I felt it blew up in my face. I found myself in wonder with God. "How could I have been so sure about something and turn out completely wrong?"
My confidence in myself was completely shattered. Trusting in my thoughts and feelings were now at question. I was mind blown.
A lesson I think I wasn't ready for.
Sometimes I think the choices we make are completely ours to make. There are no right or wrong answers. It is simply our choice. How little confidence I have in myself when the choice is up to me. I'd rather god tell me the right choice. Then I would never make any bad decisions.
I was wrong. How completely stumped I was when the choice I had thought so right, ended up being so wrong. It is a challenge in itself to admit you are wrong.
Just like thinking a job was going to be steady and the next day you are fired. Or proposing to your one true love and finding she does not feel the same way.You may find yourself hesitant to trust yourself with the next big decision in your life.
But I have learned that trusting in yourself is one of life's great lessons. Trust your instincts. Act on them. Just because life has not gone according to plan does not mean that it is not beautiful.
Trust yourself. Be confident in yourself. Life may seem crazy and can seem to take you in a direction you never thought possible. But there is reason behind it. Find it.
These twists and turns are set in place to challenge us beyond our capabilities. To make us strong.
"God does give us challenges we cannot handle. It is only through him we are able to face the rain and thunder that challenge our lives. Soon that storm will break way into that beautiful sunshine that is always waiting on the other side."
Trust in yourself. Your instincts are right. You just need to act on them.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Where your heart is...
Home....I think I have been home sick for over a year and a half. I think I have been searching for something that has been sitting in front of me all this time...
If you have been reading my blog, you may know that within the past 7 months I have moved 2 times. In the ten years that Kirt and I have been married we have moved over 9 times.
I must say, out of all those moves, these last two have taught me the very most.
I had this dream. I was going to have this huge beautiful home. Huge kids play room loft, with skylights to watch the stars at night, granite counter tops, hard wood floors, a theater room........you know.......the works.
Well 7 months ago my dream came true. I got my dream home. It was fantastic! I was in love with this home. I moved from my neighborhood we had been living in for quite some time and made the jump to our dream home. All seemed too good...
It turns out I was wrong.
This house was ginormous!!! It was double the size of our old home. How could I not love this home, right? Yeah, I thought that too. But, I found myself extremely uncomfortable at night. My kids and I were now on different floors and I could no longer hear their soft little voices when they called out for me. No longer hear the cute noises they made in the night that seemed to sing me to sleep. I was alone in silence, and in a mansion of worries.
My breaking point came when Chase came into my room and all you could hear was a wheezing breath coming from his mouth. I turned on the light and my precious little boys mouth was completely blue. Chase had croup. I ran him into the bathroom and turned on the hot water stripped him naked and jumped into the bath with him. Chase is older, (6), so I stayed fully clothed and helled my sweet baby in the bath tub full of water and just listened to him breathe the rest of the night. Music to my ears.
I have not slept a full nights rest since that night. Had he not woke me up, I would have never known he was struggling to breathe. "Oh how I wished my home was small." I thought. Oh how I wished I could reverse time and go back to where I was before. Oh how I wished I knew what I had when I had it.
It was then I got to thinking....Am I a "grass is always greener" type of person? Is this how it is always going to be? Always thinking the opposite of how I am living looks so much better? Gee....I hope not.
What is wrong with me??? This is my dream home!
But now, I'm not so sure.
What is a dream home? Is it a ginormous house filled with swimming pools and endless games to play? Granite counter tops and hard wood floors?
Or could it be something else?
Something else entirely different.
In these past two moves, as I have said, I have learned so much. The most important was.......I now know what a dream house really is.
It is not a ginormous house. It can be any size. For it is feeling in the home that brings the house to life. I found as we switched to my "dream home" my family came with it. Had they not been there in this new home......it would just be a building that I slept in. A house is just a building you sleep in. Your family and the life you bring to the home is what makes it a place of love and happiness.
I found this ginormous home too big for our family. Too easy to be far apart. Too easy to not communicate with each other. We needed a small and cozy home.
If you have a home and the neighborhood and the schools are good. Don't move. A home is just a place you sleep in. But a good neighborhood is hard to come by. It is a regret I was able to correct but be careful. A good neighborhood is irreplaceable.
What I learned was to be grateful always for what I have at all times. A small home is a blessing. Just having a home is a blessing. My dream home is what I had all along. I'm with the people I love the most. What more could I possibly ask for? For the first time I think I am learning what it means to be content with my life. So sad that it has taken this long to understand what that word actually means:)
"To be content in life is to find true rest within your soul"------anonymous
If you have been reading my blog, you may know that within the past 7 months I have moved 2 times. In the ten years that Kirt and I have been married we have moved over 9 times.
I must say, out of all those moves, these last two have taught me the very most.
I had this dream. I was going to have this huge beautiful home. Huge kids play room loft, with skylights to watch the stars at night, granite counter tops, hard wood floors, a theater room........you know.......the works.
Well 7 months ago my dream came true. I got my dream home. It was fantastic! I was in love with this home. I moved from my neighborhood we had been living in for quite some time and made the jump to our dream home. All seemed too good...
It turns out I was wrong.
This house was ginormous!!! It was double the size of our old home. How could I not love this home, right? Yeah, I thought that too. But, I found myself extremely uncomfortable at night. My kids and I were now on different floors and I could no longer hear their soft little voices when they called out for me. No longer hear the cute noises they made in the night that seemed to sing me to sleep. I was alone in silence, and in a mansion of worries.
My breaking point came when Chase came into my room and all you could hear was a wheezing breath coming from his mouth. I turned on the light and my precious little boys mouth was completely blue. Chase had croup. I ran him into the bathroom and turned on the hot water stripped him naked and jumped into the bath with him. Chase is older, (6), so I stayed fully clothed and helled my sweet baby in the bath tub full of water and just listened to him breathe the rest of the night. Music to my ears.
I have not slept a full nights rest since that night. Had he not woke me up, I would have never known he was struggling to breathe. "Oh how I wished my home was small." I thought. Oh how I wished I could reverse time and go back to where I was before. Oh how I wished I knew what I had when I had it.
It was then I got to thinking....Am I a "grass is always greener" type of person? Is this how it is always going to be? Always thinking the opposite of how I am living looks so much better? Gee....I hope not.
What is wrong with me??? This is my dream home!
But now, I'm not so sure.
What is a dream home? Is it a ginormous house filled with swimming pools and endless games to play? Granite counter tops and hard wood floors?
Or could it be something else?
Something else entirely different.
In these past two moves, as I have said, I have learned so much. The most important was.......I now know what a dream house really is.
It is not a ginormous house. It can be any size. For it is feeling in the home that brings the house to life. I found as we switched to my "dream home" my family came with it. Had they not been there in this new home......it would just be a building that I slept in. A house is just a building you sleep in. Your family and the life you bring to the home is what makes it a place of love and happiness.
I found this ginormous home too big for our family. Too easy to be far apart. Too easy to not communicate with each other. We needed a small and cozy home.
If you have a home and the neighborhood and the schools are good. Don't move. A home is just a place you sleep in. But a good neighborhood is hard to come by. It is a regret I was able to correct but be careful. A good neighborhood is irreplaceable.
What I learned was to be grateful always for what I have at all times. A small home is a blessing. Just having a home is a blessing. My dream home is what I had all along. I'm with the people I love the most. What more could I possibly ask for? For the first time I think I am learning what it means to be content with my life. So sad that it has taken this long to understand what that word actually means:)
"To be content in life is to find true rest within your soul"------anonymous
Friday, May 24, 2013
One more than you can ever say!
Do you remember on the playground when you were arguing with your friends over something completely ridiculous but you had to be the one who was right no matter what? No matter what they said? So you would argue something like this....."I like that shirt the most!", "No! I like that shirt the most!!", "Uh-ah, I like that shirt one more than you can ever say!" And so on the argument would go. I had that very argument just yesterday.....
Well Ladies......I put an offer on a house. Yes, yes, yes, I did. (Now, I'm ok talking money with people. Forgive me if I make you uncomfortable by talking money but you keep reading so technically it's your fault.)
We have been looking for a house to live in for over a year and a half. So just three days ago I saw this house listed for sale and I fell in love with it. Soooooo......this house was in our price range and we had a little wiggle room. I was so excited!
Orem, Utah is a hot place to live right now apparantely. This home went up for sale just that day and had 3 offers by the end of the night. AH!!! I hate this! So we decided to put in our best offer. (it was over list price.) By the next day at 6 pm we got the word that all offers were over list price! They wanted best and final offers in by 6 pm the next night.
Stupid. Drive me crazy, Nuts! What do I do?! Offer a crazy amount?! BEG?! I want, wait! I need this house. It is perfect for my family! The schools, the neighborhood, my best friend lives right by me, tons of kids in the all the houses surrounding the house, what more could I want?
Then it hit me.....One more than you can ever say!!! That's it!!! That is how I will make my offer! Call me crazy but I'm gonna do it. Offer them $1,000 above whatever the highest offer submitted was. It was a huge risk. "What if someone offers them a crazy amount? What if someone offers them $30,000 over the listed price???" That's the gamble. BUT---what if, by chance, they all only have gone over the listed price by just a little bit. What if I call their bluff???
If I were to just give my best and final offer......because I have been looking for literally a year and a half, I would have offered $20,000 over listed price. Crazy, I know. I wanted this house so badly. So we did it. One more than you could ever say. HA HA! Yes. They actually let you do these kind of offers:) Everyone thought I was nuts. Kirt was a mess. (Of course we protected ourselves and made this all contingent upon appraisal. Gee, I'm not completely stupid.)
We submitted our offer. Now we just had to wait.
And wait....
And wait....
And wait...
Finally I got the call. My relator told me to sit down. I immediately sat down. "Ok Niki. There were 6 offers submitted by the time the deadline hit. Of all those offers......they chose yours." I screamed. I was full of excitement and fear all at once. I still didn't know how much I was going to pay for the house. I said. "OK. So tell me how much I am going to pay for my house." There was a slight pause. "Are you sitting down?", "Yeeeeesssss?" I said slowly. "You are paying...." and he told me the purchase price.
It was only $8,000 more than the listed price!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen I won! Let's go to VEGAS because this girl is on fire!!! It was such a gamble and such huge risk but what a rush!!! Kirt and I sat there and just laughed. We would have at least offered $10,000 over listed price with six other offers on the table. But I called their bluff and won! Everyone just went a little bit over the listed price. SO happy it worked out! I am going to be in my dream neighborhood! So grateful we got the house!
I guess this just goes to show that some of the silly things we learned on the playground really can help us out later in life. Who knew for me it would be "ONE MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER SAY"
Well Ladies......I put an offer on a house. Yes, yes, yes, I did. (Now, I'm ok talking money with people. Forgive me if I make you uncomfortable by talking money but you keep reading so technically it's your fault.)
We have been looking for a house to live in for over a year and a half. So just three days ago I saw this house listed for sale and I fell in love with it. Soooooo......this house was in our price range and we had a little wiggle room. I was so excited!
Orem, Utah is a hot place to live right now apparantely. This home went up for sale just that day and had 3 offers by the end of the night. AH!!! I hate this! So we decided to put in our best offer. (it was over list price.) By the next day at 6 pm we got the word that all offers were over list price! They wanted best and final offers in by 6 pm the next night.
Stupid. Drive me crazy, Nuts! What do I do?! Offer a crazy amount?! BEG?! I want, wait! I need this house. It is perfect for my family! The schools, the neighborhood, my best friend lives right by me, tons of kids in the all the houses surrounding the house, what more could I want?
Then it hit me.....One more than you can ever say!!! That's it!!! That is how I will make my offer! Call me crazy but I'm gonna do it. Offer them $1,000 above whatever the highest offer submitted was. It was a huge risk. "What if someone offers them a crazy amount? What if someone offers them $30,000 over the listed price???" That's the gamble. BUT---what if, by chance, they all only have gone over the listed price by just a little bit. What if I call their bluff???
If I were to just give my best and final offer......because I have been looking for literally a year and a half, I would have offered $20,000 over listed price. Crazy, I know. I wanted this house so badly. So we did it. One more than you could ever say. HA HA! Yes. They actually let you do these kind of offers:) Everyone thought I was nuts. Kirt was a mess. (Of course we protected ourselves and made this all contingent upon appraisal. Gee, I'm not completely stupid.)
We submitted our offer. Now we just had to wait.
And wait....
And wait....
And wait...
Finally I got the call. My relator told me to sit down. I immediately sat down. "Ok Niki. There were 6 offers submitted by the time the deadline hit. Of all those offers......they chose yours." I screamed. I was full of excitement and fear all at once. I still didn't know how much I was going to pay for the house. I said. "OK. So tell me how much I am going to pay for my house." There was a slight pause. "Are you sitting down?", "Yeeeeesssss?" I said slowly. "You are paying...." and he told me the purchase price.
It was only $8,000 more than the listed price!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen I won! Let's go to VEGAS because this girl is on fire!!! It was such a gamble and such huge risk but what a rush!!! Kirt and I sat there and just laughed. We would have at least offered $10,000 over listed price with six other offers on the table. But I called their bluff and won! Everyone just went a little bit over the listed price. SO happy it worked out! I am going to be in my dream neighborhood! So grateful we got the house!
I guess this just goes to show that some of the silly things we learned on the playground really can help us out later in life. Who knew for me it would be "ONE MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER SAY"
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Le Mes
I have never seen Le Mes, or even heard the music that goes along with Le Mes. When I tell people this they are mind blown. They cannot believe it. Apparently it has beautiful music and an amazing story to go with it. But everyone has told me, "Oh, you will cry!" Well.....guess what? I don't like to cry. Les Mes has been a huge fear of mine. I have been so afraid to see this show. All I have heard is that it is so sad. Why would I want to watch something that is so sad???? So my friend broke me down and took me to the pioneer theater in Salt Lake City. I have even bought the movie and still have not watched it. That is how scared I am to watch this show. I just don't like watching things that make me sad, I like watching things that make me happy and laugh. So Les Mes was a show I have been wanting to see all my life and never had the courage to see because I thought it would make me too sad....
So I went to the play. I was absolutely shocked. EVERYONE DIES!!! (Except one person.) And I left that show feeling Happy and Inspired. How messed up is that???
I found myself relating to the main character so much. He made so many tiny mistakes in his life and was such an amazing person. But, he was such a tortured soul. I find I make so many tiny mistakes and am so hard on myself. So much harder on myself than could ever be necessary. I expect perfection when understanding is all that is needed.
The music was amazing and of course I cried. I cried so hard when Colette's mother sang, "I dreamed a dream" It was so indescribable the feeling's I felt when she sang, "I dreamed a dream of a life of so much more than this hell I'm living." She sang it like she truly meant it. I think we all have felt that at one time or another. Felt that our lives would have turned out a whole lot more different than it did. (Not that we all think we all live in Hell by any means.) But I'm sure we may have felt, in some way or another, that at one point or another in our lives, a situation we may be in.......is pure hell. I know I have:) Life gives us twists and turns we never expect. I think that's what makes us appreciate it more as we get older. Life truly is a gift. It runs on the love we put into it and the life we bring to it.
This play just made me cry. I loved every second of it. People fought for what they believed in. It made me think....."What do I believe in so much that I would fight for and even die for?" Then I thought again, "Do I believe in something that much???" If I'm being completely honest, I don't know. I'm a chicken. I think that was a huge message to me.I want to believe in something that much again. I want that passion and that drive. Back then, people believed in things. They fought for things. This play has so many good messages. Loved it.
I was truly touched by this play that I just had to write about it!! It took me by surprise at every scene. I was most surprised to see how much the main character could not forgive himself for collete's mother's death. He was such a beautiful person but never saw it in himself. I think so many of us are like that. I think I am so hard on myself and so much more unforgiving of myself than I should be. Why? I don't know. But I am working on that.
I think you could watch this play or movie a million times and each time learn something new. A new lesson. There are so many messages in the music that is sung. Some take it and find it truly sad. I found this play truly inspiring. It made me think of, "survival of the human spirit". No matter how hard life got for the main character, he fought back and always got back on his feet. He served people, he loved people, he cared for people.
This play made me want to go an adopt a child and change their life for the better. (Not that I'm actually going to do that.) This play showed that one single person can make such a huge difference in the world and in people's lives. It made me feel empowered. One person can make such a huge difference in this world.
I know there are so many days when our daily duties as mother's feels so pointless. We might feel like we aren't benefiting the world in any way, shape, or form. But---we are changing lives. We serve, we love, we care. Mother's are true warrior's in this world. I love my mother. She changed my life. I am a better person because I have her in my life.
One of my favorite quotes is: "Mother's hold their childs' hand for awhile, but their hearts forever" We are simply awesome!
Loved this and wish I saw it sooner.....but then I wouldn't have appreciated it as much!!! Love to all!
So I went to the play. I was absolutely shocked. EVERYONE DIES!!! (Except one person.) And I left that show feeling Happy and Inspired. How messed up is that???
I found myself relating to the main character so much. He made so many tiny mistakes in his life and was such an amazing person. But, he was such a tortured soul. I find I make so many tiny mistakes and am so hard on myself. So much harder on myself than could ever be necessary. I expect perfection when understanding is all that is needed.
The music was amazing and of course I cried. I cried so hard when Colette's mother sang, "I dreamed a dream" It was so indescribable the feeling's I felt when she sang, "I dreamed a dream of a life of so much more than this hell I'm living." She sang it like she truly meant it. I think we all have felt that at one time or another. Felt that our lives would have turned out a whole lot more different than it did. (Not that we all think we all live in Hell by any means.) But I'm sure we may have felt, in some way or another, that at one point or another in our lives, a situation we may be in.......is pure hell. I know I have:) Life gives us twists and turns we never expect. I think that's what makes us appreciate it more as we get older. Life truly is a gift. It runs on the love we put into it and the life we bring to it.
This play just made me cry. I loved every second of it. People fought for what they believed in. It made me think....."What do I believe in so much that I would fight for and even die for?" Then I thought again, "Do I believe in something that much???" If I'm being completely honest, I don't know. I'm a chicken. I think that was a huge message to me.I want to believe in something that much again. I want that passion and that drive. Back then, people believed in things. They fought for things. This play has so many good messages. Loved it.
I was truly touched by this play that I just had to write about it!! It took me by surprise at every scene. I was most surprised to see how much the main character could not forgive himself for collete's mother's death. He was such a beautiful person but never saw it in himself. I think so many of us are like that. I think I am so hard on myself and so much more unforgiving of myself than I should be. Why? I don't know. But I am working on that.
I think you could watch this play or movie a million times and each time learn something new. A new lesson. There are so many messages in the music that is sung. Some take it and find it truly sad. I found this play truly inspiring. It made me think of, "survival of the human spirit". No matter how hard life got for the main character, he fought back and always got back on his feet. He served people, he loved people, he cared for people.
This play made me want to go an adopt a child and change their life for the better. (Not that I'm actually going to do that.) This play showed that one single person can make such a huge difference in the world and in people's lives. It made me feel empowered. One person can make such a huge difference in this world.
I know there are so many days when our daily duties as mother's feels so pointless. We might feel like we aren't benefiting the world in any way, shape, or form. But---we are changing lives. We serve, we love, we care. Mother's are true warrior's in this world. I love my mother. She changed my life. I am a better person because I have her in my life.
One of my favorite quotes is: "Mother's hold their childs' hand for awhile, but their hearts forever" We are simply awesome!
Loved this and wish I saw it sooner.....but then I wouldn't have appreciated it as much!!! Love to all!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Murphy's Law
But Yes. Sadly......I did leave that beautiful bliss.
Just a side note: Trevor and Kenalee Hanson, (One of my favorite cousins and his wife, also one of my favorite people in the world.), came over last night. They are going to Hawaii today. (SO JEALOUS) They are going to KONA, the big island. Call me crazy, but I never heard of KONA. But they are going. They stopped by to get life jacket for their kids. I just wanted them to know I love them and wish them luck on their trip. AND----publically tell them they suck for not taking me with them.......:)
ANYWAYS---Have anyone of you heard of Murphy's Law???? I think it's the one that says"If anything can go wrong, will go wrong." So just plan on going with flow.
Well that is how the start of our vacation went....
Right before Hawaii My sister in-law, whom I love like a true sister, dropped her kids off for a few hours for me to watch while she ran some errands, then I did the same, then she took her daughter to the doctor for an appt. at the end of the day. So all day our kids have been together......she came back and her daughter was diagnosed with strep-throat. AH! Hawaii was 3 days away!
Becks was sick 2 days later. I went to the Doctor got every prescription I could think of. "OK Beckham is going to be fine. He'll be a little sick for Hawaii but not too bad."
That night chase's ear drum ruptured. Puss everywhere. He was in so much pain. Chase has a long history of rupturing eardrums.
He went to school the next day for half the day because of testing. The flight left that afternoon. His other ear started to hurt. "Oh no! A rupturing ear drum while flying on a plane.......That is a remedy for disaster." The entire flight would be a screaming mess. I call the doctor.....more prescriptions.....Looks like we are a go.
I'm feeling a little run down but that is probably because everyone is sick. So I continue on with the flight and the kids. WAIT!!! I HATE FLYING!!! PANIC ATTACK ON THE PLANE!!! Kirt takes over, now there are 5 kids on the plane. He has crayons and a coloring book for me. My pillow and teddy bear are there to comfort me. No Joke, my inner child comes out when I am on these flights. Kirt is the ONLY adult to care for the children for the 8 hour flight. I am just one of the kids. I am no help. He knows that.
OK......we land and are safe. I snap back into my parent body and get going. We get to our hotel and relax. The next day I literally can't breathe if I am not sitting up.
I have Pneumonia. PNUEMONIA!!!! IN HAWAII!!!!! In the middle of the summer!!! The entire week I have an inhaler so I can breathe. Can you believe it????!!!! How does that Happen????? I can't breath in the summer time and in the winter I am just fine??? So crazy. But too funny.
I had to laugh. But we still had a blast. I just could not believe how sicK our family was on this trip......we all had coughs.....In Hawaii!
Beckham had the flu, chase had rupturing eardrums, I had pneumonia, and lexi and landon, both had coughs. Kirt was the only one who didn't have anything. It was unreal. It was like we brought a plague to the Island. We walked in to a restaurant and we were a chorus of coughs. Everyone looked at us like we were one big ball of germs. And we totally were. Too Funny!!!
Monday, May 13, 2013
Cross roads
As the path winds on, so darkens the day. Into the sunset I walk.This time the path is full of color and the sun setting light. Life is bright and full of wonderful paths of adventure and opportunity. Each path a positive one. Each path will lead you to a great life. Each path is your own choice. The world is at your finger tips....
A path is chosen. The journey is now taken. This path winds, turns, dips, disappears, reappears, jumps, hops, trips, sticks, tricks, winds, climbs, and teaches you patience in life. But then it can stop you.....
Like a fork in the road. The sun is now blistering hot. Two choices. Two roads. Finding the right path is always my biggest challenge. Think. Pray. Wait. Patience. I will get there.
Have you ever been at a cross road in your life and didn't know which way to turn??? Well that is where I am at in my life right now, a cross roads. We are trying to find our forever house. Not a starter home, not a rental, not a house we will grow out of. A forever house. I must say, It creates a lot of pressure. You want to have a perfect neighborhood, perfect schools, you know, everything for your kids. We don't want to move ever again. So this summer is it. Our final move. I am so nervous. We have to make our final decision. Any thoughts on what to look for??? Any good neighborhoods??? We have no idea what other neighborhoods are like outside of Orem. We are looking all over from SLC down to Orem. Let me know if you have any ideas!!!
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Reflections in Hawaii
We are finally here. We are in Hawaii. We made it. It is a journey all should take. This beauty these islands have to offer are indescribable. I wish I could live here. The lush green vegetation is everywhere and flowers bloom at random. I am astounded at how at peace I am here.
We stayed at the Marriott Beach Club Resort and Spa KO Olina on Oahu. It was the most beautiful resort I have ever seen. Palm trees everywhere, running trails, pools upon pools, hot tubs, bars, restaurants, live music, shops, activities for kids and adults, private beach with lawn chairs, a reef to scuba dive by, I mean....you name it, they pretty much had it.
We went with all of our kids. Crazy huh? But I needed them for this trip. I needed my entire family for this trip. I couldn't bring myself to visit Kuai,. The island where Jesse went missing. See, I don't want my entire life to be a sad memory. Especially Hawaii. So I decided to visit Oahu first and then some day down the road visit Kuai. I wanted Hawaii to be a positive experience, not a sad one. And after everything that happened on this trip......I know I made the best decision of my life. I LOVE HAWAII!!! I totally understand why Jesse loved it here.
Now, I have a family blog and I have kind of a "Dance in the Rain" blog. In this blog I talk mainly about my thoughts on things. Or challeges I may be facing or see others facing and the example they are to me. Or whatever I want it to be.....So yea. But my family blog will have more of the activities and stuff we did and fun times we shared. This page is pretty much what I learned while I was there. I was surprised at how much I learned about Jesse, Myself, and Kirt.
As I sit here and write this as the sun sets across the most heavenly sky, I am reminded of all the simple things life has to offer me and how often I forget them. I simple "hello or Aloha" from a stranger has been the highlight of our days. This island seems to run as a different speed, and I like it. The overall feeling I have gotten from being in Oahu is "Work Hard and Love Life". I find that lesson so easy to say and yet so hard to teach.
I see why Jesse loved it here. It is absolutely beautiful and the people are amazing. If I had to choose, I would live on one of these islands myself. The mood is so much different here. Hardworking but Joyful. I just love it. If I were Jesse I would never want to leave. It is paradise where he was. I know he was truly happy there.
I went to the Hawaii Temple and found great peace there with my brother. Nothing but love was filled in my heart for him. All the beauty of the island reminded me of his sweet presence and love. He was such a beautiful person what better place to go to remember him than the Hawaii Temple? He is safe. I know he is happy.
After this trip, I can say, I feel healed.
I feel happy.
I see color.
I see the beauty this world has to offer and it is amazing. I can now inhale those colors and absorb them into my very center and let them burst inside of me. I can finally feel again! I am not longer a robot. I am no longer a zombie. I am colorful!
I can take on the blues and the browns, the whites, and pinks, purples and greens, violets, reds.......ANYTHING! I AM ME AGAIN!!!! I found me. He found me. We found me. Together we can do anything.
Facing my fear to come to Hawaii was really a scary thing for me. Kirt was my strong hold. He has been there though thick and thin. He became my best friend all over again on this trip. He is my everything and I owe him so much. Thank you Kirt for all you do for me.
If there is anything I hope anyone gets out of this post is that, I was set free and given a new perspective on life by facing one of my biggest fears. I cannot believe how amazing It feels and how much weight has been lifted off my chest by just knowing that is not one of my demons anymore. I am no longer afraid.
I love life. I love Hawaii!!! I am so happy to be living in this beautiful world today. Challenges do get better if you face them head on. Challenges get even easier when you ask god for help.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Content without WHEN
Falling victim to the word WHEN:
I am a child up in my favorite tree. Playing my game of hide and seek. Mom calls me in because it is dinner time. I am so disappointed. " Awe! Just 5 more minutes? When is she ever going to let me finish my games?" I think to myself. "I can't wait till when I am a grown up. Then no one can tell me what to do!"
I am 15 years old and need a ride to my friends house. "Mom, can I get a ride?" I wait for a response. "Um, yeah sure honey, but not for at least 45 minutes. "45 more minutes! I could just drive the car! I'm practically 16 anyways! Oh MAN! This sucks!" I sit and wait for 45 minutes until my mom is ready. she comes for me and smiles. I look at her and say, "When I'm 16, things will get better. I just know it!"
I am a brand new baby mother. Oh look at my precious baby! Isn't she adorable!!! ----Wait! Everyone just left! I'm all alone with the baby! Oh No!!! What do I do? I don't know how to be a mom!! I wanted to say, "Come back! You guys should have her. You were so much better with her!" Instead, I quieted down and talked to no one. I simply thought to myself, ok this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. But I love her so incredibly so. I made a note in my head, "When Alexis is 2 and can do things a little more on her own I will be a happy. Things will get easier then....."
I have two more children very close together. Chase and Landon. They are 18 months apart. They were both 2 of my best surprises!!! They are fireballs of energy! I seriously want a tranquilizer gun at times for them. But I hear that is illegal. Oh well. j/k They are crazy. I keep telling myself. I will be happy when they get a little older and they slow down a little bit. I could use just a little down time...
Beckham is still hiding poop in the laundry vents.......I will be happy when he is potty trained.
Kirt and I are trying to buy a home. A beautiful home. We are renting right now and we absolutely hate it. We want to have a place to call our own. We have been trying to close on this home for over 7 months. It has been an absolute nightmare!!! Kirt and I believe we will be happy when we close on this house...
But wait.....then there's that credit card we forgot to pay off......ok we will finally be happy when that is paid off!
But what about all the project you need to get done to fix your new house? OK fine.....after that we will be happy.
But what about........
ALRIGHT!!!! I get it. It's never gonna be good enough. I'm always going to say, "I'll be happy when...." I have my entire life. I'm always looking ahead in life. Planning for the future. Trying to make my life a better one. All good things. But as I look ahead I miss what is standing right in front of me. What is presently here with me in this exact moment.
As I am saying this I look down I see 4 pairs of the most beautiful blue eyes gazing up at me. Smiling.
"Where did you come from?" It is my 2 boys, chase and landon, and cute little lexi. They had been staring for quiet some time. Too cute.
My friends and I all went out to dinner a few nights ago and she said something that really hit hard for me. She said, As a parent I went through so many stages of acceptance. I was so giddy and excited at first, and then I felt I was really bad at it, and I was mad and sad that I was bad at it. Then I learned to accept that I really was a mom and this is how it was going be. So she is trying to learn to be great at it.
I loved her honestly. "Well, this is my situation. I can either make the best or the worst out of it." She chose to make the best out of a situation she felt very unsure of. She is an amazing mother by the way.
The same goes for the word WHEN. I have used the phrase, "I'll be happy when..." or "Things will get better when....." And you find yourself waiting and waiting because the when always changes. Something else always comes up. It's a TRAP!
How about I am happy? When I wake up in the morning and my husband is able to go to work, I'm grateful. I am happy when my boys are home with their high energy! I only get them like this for so long. they make life fun.
I am happy lexi grew into her 8 year old body! She is such a joy and I love the moments we share.
What I am saying is CONTENT. Being content with ourselves and our lives. There will always be a need to have something done. There will always be project. There will never be another now. Take the now and live in it. Be present in your own life.
Being content with my life right now has been a true struggle for me. But seriously? What do I have to complain about? We have a roof over our heads and food to eat. The words WHEN should not exist in my vocabulary.
I heard the word content and me are rivals and it is my goal this week to make her my best friend. I will never let WHEN win again. I will never wait for WHEN, I will never live in the future but run in the present.
Because it is never, when we will be happy, it is yes, we are happy!
I am a child up in my favorite tree. Playing my game of hide and seek. Mom calls me in because it is dinner time. I am so disappointed. " Awe! Just 5 more minutes? When is she ever going to let me finish my games?" I think to myself. "I can't wait till when I am a grown up. Then no one can tell me what to do!"
I am 15 years old and need a ride to my friends house. "Mom, can I get a ride?" I wait for a response. "Um, yeah sure honey, but not for at least 45 minutes. "45 more minutes! I could just drive the car! I'm practically 16 anyways! Oh MAN! This sucks!" I sit and wait for 45 minutes until my mom is ready. she comes for me and smiles. I look at her and say, "When I'm 16, things will get better. I just know it!"
I am a brand new baby mother. Oh look at my precious baby! Isn't she adorable!!! ----Wait! Everyone just left! I'm all alone with the baby! Oh No!!! What do I do? I don't know how to be a mom!! I wanted to say, "Come back! You guys should have her. You were so much better with her!" Instead, I quieted down and talked to no one. I simply thought to myself, ok this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. But I love her so incredibly so. I made a note in my head, "When Alexis is 2 and can do things a little more on her own I will be a happy. Things will get easier then....."
I have two more children very close together. Chase and Landon. They are 18 months apart. They were both 2 of my best surprises!!! They are fireballs of energy! I seriously want a tranquilizer gun at times for them. But I hear that is illegal. Oh well. j/k They are crazy. I keep telling myself. I will be happy when they get a little older and they slow down a little bit. I could use just a little down time...
Beckham is still hiding poop in the laundry vents.......I will be happy when he is potty trained.
Kirt and I are trying to buy a home. A beautiful home. We are renting right now and we absolutely hate it. We want to have a place to call our own. We have been trying to close on this home for over 7 months. It has been an absolute nightmare!!! Kirt and I believe we will be happy when we close on this house...
But wait.....then there's that credit card we forgot to pay off......ok we will finally be happy when that is paid off!
But what about all the project you need to get done to fix your new house? OK fine.....after that we will be happy.
But what about........
ALRIGHT!!!! I get it. It's never gonna be good enough. I'm always going to say, "I'll be happy when...." I have my entire life. I'm always looking ahead in life. Planning for the future. Trying to make my life a better one. All good things. But as I look ahead I miss what is standing right in front of me. What is presently here with me in this exact moment.
As I am saying this I look down I see 4 pairs of the most beautiful blue eyes gazing up at me. Smiling.
"Where did you come from?" It is my 2 boys, chase and landon, and cute little lexi. They had been staring for quiet some time. Too cute.
My friends and I all went out to dinner a few nights ago and she said something that really hit hard for me. She said, As a parent I went through so many stages of acceptance. I was so giddy and excited at first, and then I felt I was really bad at it, and I was mad and sad that I was bad at it. Then I learned to accept that I really was a mom and this is how it was going be. So she is trying to learn to be great at it.
I loved her honestly. "Well, this is my situation. I can either make the best or the worst out of it." She chose to make the best out of a situation she felt very unsure of. She is an amazing mother by the way.
The same goes for the word WHEN. I have used the phrase, "I'll be happy when..." or "Things will get better when....." And you find yourself waiting and waiting because the when always changes. Something else always comes up. It's a TRAP!
How about I am happy? When I wake up in the morning and my husband is able to go to work, I'm grateful. I am happy when my boys are home with their high energy! I only get them like this for so long. they make life fun.
I am happy lexi grew into her 8 year old body! She is such a joy and I love the moments we share.
What I am saying is CONTENT. Being content with ourselves and our lives. There will always be a need to have something done. There will always be project. There will never be another now. Take the now and live in it. Be present in your own life.
Being content with my life right now has been a true struggle for me. But seriously? What do I have to complain about? We have a roof over our heads and food to eat. The words WHEN should not exist in my vocabulary.
I heard the word content and me are rivals and it is my goal this week to make her my best friend. I will never let WHEN win again. I will never wait for WHEN, I will never live in the future but run in the present.
Because it is never, when we will be happy, it is yes, we are happy!
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Foods that make you go BOOM!
Top Ten Good Mood Foods
• mung beans
• lobster
• turkey
• asparagus
• sunflower seeds
• cottage cheese
• pineapple
• tofu
• spinach
• bananas
Other Mood Foods
• chicken
• salmon
• sardines
• tuna
• nuts
• oats
This is a list of foods high in tryptophan. I saw this "good mood food" thing on the web the other day when trying to research what to eat to help keep me healthy. I thought, "Why not boost my mood and diet at the same time?! I could call it, HAPPY DIETING!" Ok maybe that doesn't exist. But here's what I found out.
The body cannot produce tryptophan, an amino acid which is converted by the body into serotonin, so unless we get enough through our diets, we may suffer a deficiency, leading to low serotonin levels.
Low serotonin levels are associated with mood disorders, anxiety, cravings and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). FUN!!! (I do have some medical background so what I researched is in fact true. I'm not saying I'm super smart by any means...I'm just saying it makes sense.)
Did you hear that ladies??? It can lead to CRAVINGS!!! So I researched this even more and it turns out if you have this triptophan thing balanced, your cravings can all but disappear..."WHAT?!! NO WAY! You mean I could beat my cravings for chocolate once and for all???"
OK. So I tried these foods for a week. Alright, I confess, not all of them. Who eats sardines??? GROSS! But I tried these foods to see how my mood and cravings felt after a week. I felt awesome! I was so excited about my little experiment I just had to share. How awesome is this! I try all sorts of things. I'm like a walking experiment. But this was just fun! LOVE IT!
I noticed a huge difference just after the first 24 hours. It was absolutely crazy! Plus, I lost weight. It's a win, win:)
The first day I had oatmeal for breakfast. I didn't cheat myself out of the good stuff. I had a little butter and sugar. I called this my mood diet. So cheating was always an option. I think that is why it worked so well. I told myself I had to eat every 2-3 hours so for a snack I had some canned pineapple. At lunch a spinach salad with grilled chicken and sunflower seeds with ranch dressing. Then a banana at snack time and for dinner I grilled up a Salmon with asparagus on the side.
OK. So I used to not be a fish person at all until I met my husband. I'm telling you, if you want to improve your mood.....EAT FISH!!!! I'm no doctor but it works. The salmon made all the difference. I always feel better when I eat fish. I don't know why, but it works. I drank a ton of water and for the first time....I can resist chocolate. I am not kidding you. In just a week. (Really, I was feeling great after the first 24 hours.) My mood is better and my skin is clearer. I love this "good mood" thing. It works. Try it!
I promise you will be surprised how much better you feel. Remember, the key is eating that fish!!!
• mung beans
• lobster
• turkey
• asparagus
• sunflower seeds
• cottage cheese
• pineapple
• tofu
• spinach
• bananas
Other Mood Foods
• chicken
• salmon
• sardines
• tuna
• nuts
• oats
This is a list of foods high in tryptophan. I saw this "good mood food" thing on the web the other day when trying to research what to eat to help keep me healthy. I thought, "Why not boost my mood and diet at the same time?! I could call it, HAPPY DIETING!" Ok maybe that doesn't exist. But here's what I found out.
The body cannot produce tryptophan, an amino acid which is converted by the body into serotonin, so unless we get enough through our diets, we may suffer a deficiency, leading to low serotonin levels.
Low serotonin levels are associated with mood disorders, anxiety, cravings and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). FUN!!! (I do have some medical background so what I researched is in fact true. I'm not saying I'm super smart by any means...I'm just saying it makes sense.)
Did you hear that ladies??? It can lead to CRAVINGS!!! So I researched this even more and it turns out if you have this triptophan thing balanced, your cravings can all but disappear..."WHAT?!! NO WAY! You mean I could beat my cravings for chocolate once and for all???"
OK. So I tried these foods for a week. Alright, I confess, not all of them. Who eats sardines??? GROSS! But I tried these foods to see how my mood and cravings felt after a week. I felt awesome! I was so excited about my little experiment I just had to share. How awesome is this! I try all sorts of things. I'm like a walking experiment. But this was just fun! LOVE IT!
I noticed a huge difference just after the first 24 hours. It was absolutely crazy! Plus, I lost weight. It's a win, win:)
The first day I had oatmeal for breakfast. I didn't cheat myself out of the good stuff. I had a little butter and sugar. I called this my mood diet. So cheating was always an option. I think that is why it worked so well. I told myself I had to eat every 2-3 hours so for a snack I had some canned pineapple. At lunch a spinach salad with grilled chicken and sunflower seeds with ranch dressing. Then a banana at snack time and for dinner I grilled up a Salmon with asparagus on the side.
OK. So I used to not be a fish person at all until I met my husband. I'm telling you, if you want to improve your mood.....EAT FISH!!!! I'm no doctor but it works. The salmon made all the difference. I always feel better when I eat fish. I don't know why, but it works. I drank a ton of water and for the first time....I can resist chocolate. I am not kidding you. In just a week. (Really, I was feeling great after the first 24 hours.) My mood is better and my skin is clearer. I love this "good mood" thing. It works. Try it!
I promise you will be surprised how much better you feel. Remember, the key is eating that fish!!!
Storm in my Head...
I feel there is a storm in my head. It is constantly spinning. Some days it feels out of control. I feel some days it is foggy and never fully remains clear. Others it is bright and full of sunshine. It is a tired head.
This storm in my head is something I have fought most of my adult life. I have good days and I have bad days. I wish I understood how the weather worked. It is so unpredictable.
The soft breeze touches my face as the wind whistles past my my ears. I am free in this space of mine.
Etched in the sand is the marks of my footprints. I am alone as the mist sprays softly across my face. The storm in my head raves on, as I sit and ponder the wonders this world. My head is still spinning.
Here is never there. There is never here. Too many places at too many times. Stop. STOP. STOP!
Breathe.
Here. In this place. Alone. Me. I.
I am one.
Peace. Calm. Be.
I am me.
This storm in my head is something I have fought most of my adult life. I have good days and I have bad days. I wish I understood how the weather worked. It is so unpredictable.
The soft breeze touches my face as the wind whistles past my my ears. I am free in this space of mine.
Etched in the sand is the marks of my footprints. I am alone as the mist sprays softly across my face. The storm in my head raves on, as I sit and ponder the wonders this world. My head is still spinning.
Here is never there. There is never here. Too many places at too many times. Stop. STOP. STOP!
Breathe.
Here. In this place. Alone. Me. I.
I am one.
Peace. Calm. Be.
I am me.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Who was Jesse...
First and foremost Jesse Glen Pinegar was my little brother. Although Jesse was 22 when he went missing, that is not even a sliver of the person Jesse was....
Jesse was a truly amazing person. I did a post that was about memories we as a family had of Jesse, but, I never got to gush to you about how fabulous he was...
Jesse was and is one of the most beautiful people that I have ever met. Truly. Inside and out. If you were lucky, you got to be apart of his short time on this earth. I had the greatest and most freaking awesome blessing of being his sister. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel towards God for sending him to our family. He is a piece to our family that completes a great circle of happiness.
Jesse was hilarious. His sarcasm and wit could out smart even the most educated of people. Always the one with the last word, his quick jokes always caught you off guard but kept you laughing for hours. What was truly unique about his humor was the love that always came behind them. His lips would say one thing but his eyes would always give away his true love for you. Jesse cared for everyone he met.
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Jesse was gorgeous. He had brown hair and these chocolate brown puppy eyes that melted every girls heart. When he smiled, his eyes lit up. When he looked at you, he really looked at you. He really loved you. If you were talking with Jesse, you felt like you were the only one that mattered in his entire life. His eyes seemed to look into the deepest part of you and touch you in a way that very few can. His eyes said everything about him. They twinkled when he was kidding and deepened when he cared. I miss his eyes so much. Jesse's eyes are most everyone's favorite feature.
His heart never stopped loving. His faith in people never stopped trusting. The love he carried in his heart radiated all around him. When he entered a room, excitement would always sweep over. "Jesse is here!"
He was irresistible. You had to be near him. When in his company, all your cares cease to exist. With him, you are free. He is a breath of the freshest air. Talking with him is relaxing yet tummy achingly fun and funny. He would talk to you for hours about nothing and you would find yourself lying on the floor laughing your guts out because he has said some of the most random and outrageous things you have ever heard in your entire life. Jesse was too funny! He was everyone's favorite. How could he not be?!
He may seem tough but he cares so incredibly deeply for his family. He had a sensitive side to him that was so loving and kind. Jenna, Megan, and I were the luckiest sisters in the world to have had a brother like him. He worried about who we were dating. He was always there to give us advice.
I remember when Jesse was in Hawaii and he called me. I was having a really hard day. I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with Landon at the time and I had not felt him move for about 2 days. I was really scared and was crying to Jesse about how worried I was about the baby. I knew Jesse was not involved in church anymore. I also knew he struggled with his belief in God. So his next comment touched my heart. "Niki, let me call you back. I'm going to pray to God for you and the baby. I don't know what good it will do but I want to help." I was lost for words. I began to cry even more. "You would do that for me?" I said. Jesse was quiet for a long time. "Of course Niki......You are my sister......I would do anything for you."
I waited for the phone call all night. I was so interested to hear what his experience might have been like. He had told me it had been over 3 years since he had last prayed. He expressed that it was very difficult for him to pray. It had been so difficult for him in fact, that three years ago was when he had promised himself he wouldn't ever pray again. He expressed how much he loved me and that for me and my kids he would do just about anything. But--It was getting late. I figured Jesse would just say a quick prayer and call me back. It had now been 3 hours since I had talked to him. I began to think maybe Jesse was not going to call me back.
Finally the phone rang. It was Jesse...
Jesse's voice was very quiet but very confident. "Hi Niki. I just want you to know that your baby is going to be fine." I was silent. He wasn't finished talking. "Niki, you are going to be just fine. Everything is going to be OK." I was so surprised at how confident he was. "Jesse. What happened?" Jesse slowly responded, "I don't know Niki. All I know is that you and the baby are going to be just fine. You are going to have this baby and nothing bad is going to happen." I cried. I believed him 100%. I never worried again.
We talked a little more. Jesse told me the reason it took him so long to call me back was because he had knelt down to pray and could not start the prayer. So he stayed kneeling for over an hour and a half until he was able to start his prayer. Even then, he said, the prayer took a long time. I think of my sweet brother and him kneeling down in humble prayer just for me and my unborn child. "Niki....you are my sister....I would do anything for you."
Landon is the baby I was carrying while Jesse was in Hawaii. Landon is my only baby that did not have jaundice and have to go under the lights. He was my healthiest and happiest baby. Jesse was right.
That is who Jesse was. He would do anything for you. He would make himself uncomfortable to make you comfortable. He was selfless. He was good. He was Jesse. I mean WOW.
He was crazy! He could get Caleb and Adam to do the stupidest things!!! No matter how dumb something might sound on paper, Jesse could talk it up, tell it to Caleb and Adam, and get them to go along with it. It was crazy the things he could talk people in to. He was that magnetic of a person. You wanted to be around him. You wanted to be like him. You wanted to be him. Where Jesse was, you would follow. You knew you would always have a great time. It would always be exciting and life never got any better than when you were hangin' with the Jess master.
The outdoors is where he is most comfortable. His survival skills are fantastic. He can go camping for weeks and love every second of it. That also meant he could go a little while with out showering......Jesse never minded a little dirt. It was not uncommon to see him and smell the yummy smell of camp fire on his sweatshirt. Jesse smelled just the way he was. WILD AND FREE.
One fantastic thing about Jesse is that he loves his mother. His love for her is soft and tender. Protective even. He cares for her so deeply. You can see it in those chocolate brown eyes when he looks at her. He is over a foot taller than her and I can see him giving mom a gigantic bear hug. He is gentle. He cares so much and thinks the world of her. He is a mama's boy through and through. Ham and cheese casserole is his favorite. (He gets excited like a little kid when she makes it.) He loves her cinnamon rolls too. To him, no one is a better cook than she. Jesse loves you mom. Jesse will always love you.
He is absolutely amazing but never realizing it. He is humble. I don't believe he ever knew how truly awesome he really was. That was his charm. So charismatic with a shimmer of shy. There is just no one like Jesse. He is one of a kind. Irreplaceable. I love that boy!
I miss my chocolate brown eyed brother. But I know he is in a happier, safer, and in a more loving place. I know he is where he is needed. I know he lives on in each of our hearts.
My son Beckham, who is 3, said just 2 weeks ago in his own 3 year old broken english, "Jesse in here." and he pointed to his heart. I believe that with all my heart. Jesse is inside all of us. Just like everyone is who lives in our lives and passes on. We are all so lucky to have that piece of them remain with us.
Just their memory is a beautiful thing. Because it can be passed on forever...
Jesse was a truly amazing person. I did a post that was about memories we as a family had of Jesse, but, I never got to gush to you about how fabulous he was...
Jesse was and is one of the most beautiful people that I have ever met. Truly. Inside and out. If you were lucky, you got to be apart of his short time on this earth. I had the greatest and most freaking awesome blessing of being his sister. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel towards God for sending him to our family. He is a piece to our family that completes a great circle of happiness.
Jesse was hilarious. His sarcasm and wit could out smart even the most educated of people. Always the one with the last word, his quick jokes always caught you off guard but kept you laughing for hours. What was truly unique about his humor was the love that always came behind them. His lips would say one thing but his eyes would always give away his true love for you. Jesse cared for everyone he met.
Jesse was gorgeous. He had brown hair and these chocolate brown puppy eyes that melted every girls heart. When he smiled, his eyes lit up. When he looked at you, he really looked at you. He really loved you. If you were talking with Jesse, you felt like you were the only one that mattered in his entire life. His eyes seemed to look into the deepest part of you and touch you in a way that very few can. His eyes said everything about him. They twinkled when he was kidding and deepened when he cared. I miss his eyes so much. Jesse's eyes are most everyone's favorite feature.
His heart never stopped loving. His faith in people never stopped trusting. The love he carried in his heart radiated all around him. When he entered a room, excitement would always sweep over. "Jesse is here!"
He was irresistible. You had to be near him. When in his company, all your cares cease to exist. With him, you are free. He is a breath of the freshest air. Talking with him is relaxing yet tummy achingly fun and funny. He would talk to you for hours about nothing and you would find yourself lying on the floor laughing your guts out because he has said some of the most random and outrageous things you have ever heard in your entire life. Jesse was too funny! He was everyone's favorite. How could he not be?!
He may seem tough but he cares so incredibly deeply for his family. He had a sensitive side to him that was so loving and kind. Jenna, Megan, and I were the luckiest sisters in the world to have had a brother like him. He worried about who we were dating. He was always there to give us advice.
I remember when Jesse was in Hawaii and he called me. I was having a really hard day. I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with Landon at the time and I had not felt him move for about 2 days. I was really scared and was crying to Jesse about how worried I was about the baby. I knew Jesse was not involved in church anymore. I also knew he struggled with his belief in God. So his next comment touched my heart. "Niki, let me call you back. I'm going to pray to God for you and the baby. I don't know what good it will do but I want to help." I was lost for words. I began to cry even more. "You would do that for me?" I said. Jesse was quiet for a long time. "Of course Niki......You are my sister......I would do anything for you."
I waited for the phone call all night. I was so interested to hear what his experience might have been like. He had told me it had been over 3 years since he had last prayed. He expressed that it was very difficult for him to pray. It had been so difficult for him in fact, that three years ago was when he had promised himself he wouldn't ever pray again. He expressed how much he loved me and that for me and my kids he would do just about anything. But--It was getting late. I figured Jesse would just say a quick prayer and call me back. It had now been 3 hours since I had talked to him. I began to think maybe Jesse was not going to call me back.
Finally the phone rang. It was Jesse...
Jesse's voice was very quiet but very confident. "Hi Niki. I just want you to know that your baby is going to be fine." I was silent. He wasn't finished talking. "Niki, you are going to be just fine. Everything is going to be OK." I was so surprised at how confident he was. "Jesse. What happened?" Jesse slowly responded, "I don't know Niki. All I know is that you and the baby are going to be just fine. You are going to have this baby and nothing bad is going to happen." I cried. I believed him 100%. I never worried again.
We talked a little more. Jesse told me the reason it took him so long to call me back was because he had knelt down to pray and could not start the prayer. So he stayed kneeling for over an hour and a half until he was able to start his prayer. Even then, he said, the prayer took a long time. I think of my sweet brother and him kneeling down in humble prayer just for me and my unborn child. "Niki....you are my sister....I would do anything for you."
Landon is the baby I was carrying while Jesse was in Hawaii. Landon is my only baby that did not have jaundice and have to go under the lights. He was my healthiest and happiest baby. Jesse was right.
That is who Jesse was. He would do anything for you. He would make himself uncomfortable to make you comfortable. He was selfless. He was good. He was Jesse. I mean WOW.
He was crazy! He could get Caleb and Adam to do the stupidest things!!! No matter how dumb something might sound on paper, Jesse could talk it up, tell it to Caleb and Adam, and get them to go along with it. It was crazy the things he could talk people in to. He was that magnetic of a person. You wanted to be around him. You wanted to be like him. You wanted to be him. Where Jesse was, you would follow. You knew you would always have a great time. It would always be exciting and life never got any better than when you were hangin' with the Jess master.
The outdoors is where he is most comfortable. His survival skills are fantastic. He can go camping for weeks and love every second of it. That also meant he could go a little while with out showering......Jesse never minded a little dirt. It was not uncommon to see him and smell the yummy smell of camp fire on his sweatshirt. Jesse smelled just the way he was. WILD AND FREE.
One fantastic thing about Jesse is that he loves his mother. His love for her is soft and tender. Protective even. He cares for her so deeply. You can see it in those chocolate brown eyes when he looks at her. He is over a foot taller than her and I can see him giving mom a gigantic bear hug. He is gentle. He cares so much and thinks the world of her. He is a mama's boy through and through. Ham and cheese casserole is his favorite. (He gets excited like a little kid when she makes it.) He loves her cinnamon rolls too. To him, no one is a better cook than she. Jesse loves you mom. Jesse will always love you.
He is absolutely amazing but never realizing it. He is humble. I don't believe he ever knew how truly awesome he really was. That was his charm. So charismatic with a shimmer of shy. There is just no one like Jesse. He is one of a kind. Irreplaceable. I love that boy!
I miss my chocolate brown eyed brother. But I know he is in a happier, safer, and in a more loving place. I know he is where he is needed. I know he lives on in each of our hearts.
My son Beckham, who is 3, said just 2 weeks ago in his own 3 year old broken english, "Jesse in here." and he pointed to his heart. I believe that with all my heart. Jesse is inside all of us. Just like everyone is who lives in our lives and passes on. We are all so lucky to have that piece of them remain with us.
Just their memory is a beautiful thing. Because it can be passed on forever...
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Temper, Temper...
Some days all I do is yell. Seriously. I wake up and the first words out of my mouth is, "STOP THAT!!!" Beckham has just slapped me because it is literally the 17th time he has tried to wake me up and failed. He is starving and thirsty. He has been begging me for his chocolate milk for over a half of an hour. He giggles his sweet, adorable giggle that melts my heart. He thinks the slapping sound is so funny. So he does it again. "Why child? Why?" I quickly sit up. I am furious. "BECKHAM!!! I SAID STOP THAT!" He giggles again.
How do you stay mad at that? I slowly got up. "It's going to be one of "those" days..." I get him his chocolate milk and like clock work, Chase and Landon come plowing through. Chase hits Landon in the nose. A little blood comes dripping down his chin. Landon is screaming. I try to rush to him but Landon hasn't gotten his revenge. Landon grabs Chase in a head lock and they are down on the floor tumbling in circles. "What is going on?!" I thought. "Who raised these kids?" Chase is now begging for mercy as Landon has him in his death grip. I am still making my way over to them. "CHASE! LANDON! STOP THAT!!!" No response from either of them. They continue their feud as if I did not exist. It is like I said nothing. "I SAID NOW! I MEAN IT! YOU STOP IT THIS INSTANT!!!" I am now pulling them apart.
Finally they are separated.They continue their fighting but now it is just words. "CHASE STARTED IT!" Landon yells. "NO, LANDON STARTED IT!" Chase says. Their arms are flying, swinging, and punching. I am now in between the cross fire of all the hitting. I now join in on the yelling fest. "I DON'T CARE WHO STARTED IT! I'M ENDING IT!" I grab each one's arm and take them to separate corners of the room."TIME OUT! YOU ARE BOTH OUT OF CONTROL!" Landon has now wiped the little bloody nose he had gotten all over his white night shirt. "AH! DUDE! WHY?!" I go to the other room to grab a rag to clean his face.
They are like magnets. As soon as I leave the room all %$@%#* breaks loose. This time they are laughing and playing. The fight is over. Now they want to wrestle. They are a moving ball of disaster. Rolling forward, backward, up and down. Destroying everything in their path. I have left the room for literally 60 seconds. I hear a crash and then a shatter.
Silence. No movement. Then a whisper, "RUN!" Landon and Chase run as fast as they can upstairs. I come racing around the corner just in time to see their little feet disappear up the stairs. "CHASE! LANDON! COME BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!!!"
I am not liking the fact that I am sounding so much like my mother, it is scary. BUT---I can't help it. I find myself saying the exact same things my mother said to me when I was a child. I am finding everything she said to me makes sense. I swore I would never say the phrase, "because I said so." I always hated that phrase as a child. I thought it made no logical sense whatsoever. It never answered my questions. I swore I would always answer every single solitary question each one of my children had. HA! "Why is the sky blue?" , "Because I said so.", "Why is the earth round?" , "Because I said so.", "Why do I have to do my chores?", "BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!"
IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!!! I'm tired. Everything should be because I said so. I birthed you child!!! No question about it. I am Mom. PLEASE! Just do what I ask! Please....!
Chase and Landon returned to the family room. I was greeted with two pairs of the most beautiful blue eyes you will ever gaze upon. They were looking at me. Big and wide-eyed. Guilty. They felt guilty. My anger level is through the roof and my patience is gone. But their eyes tame my anger and the guilt I see returns some of my patience. Before I can speak Chase and Landon say, "We love you Mommy."
I am lost for words. I will never understand little boys. BUT---they are truly a wild ride that you hold on for dear life. Little girls color and read. They can have quiet time. I know they have emotions...but I understand them:) There is no quiet time at our house. There is full speed and off. If they are up, they are wrestling. (sometimes fighting) Heads hit walls, feet have gone through them, and they have all broken their arms already. (Our oldest is 6 and youngest is 3, all 3 have taken a trip to the E.R.) Our TV just got in a sword fight with Chase and Landon and lost. There is now a hole and large shatter marks throughout the entire TV. ("the power rangers needed help mom!") Yes, the TV miraculously still works and I am married to an accountant....."If it ain't broke, don't fix it"
Some days I feel all I do is yell. Some days I feel all I say is, "STOP THAT!", or "DON'T DO THAT!", "STOP TOUCHING HIM!", "NO! NO!", "COME HERE!", "DO THIS!" and "DO THAT!" I swear some days I could loose my voice trying to shout over all of the noise in my house. I hate those days. But then those little stinkers tell me they love me....and dang it! I love them too!
It can be discouraging when in one day, all you feel you've done is yell. When all you feel is that the day has gotten away from you and you've made no progress whatsoever. I swear I feel that more days than I care to admit. But I wouldn't trade a minute of my "unprogressiveness" with anyone. My boys just said they loved me. That made my entire morning better. It turned my entire day around. Sure, I will never understand how one minute they can totally beat each other up and the next be best friends, but, they are so worth this crazy ride we are on.
So I yell. I hate that I yell. I wish I was little miss perfect with her soft little voice and her cute little apron that had it all together and never raised her voice when her kids were putting holes in the TV. I really do. But I'm not. So I'm a work in progress. I'm Ok with that.
So I start over the next day or the next hour. Chase and Landon said they loved me. It fixed the entire morning. Their little eyes reset my entire attitude. What beauty I get to witness is their sweet example of innocent love and admiration of their parents. They truly are such a ball of pure fun to have in my life! This is why it is great to be a parent. They are so worth it!
How do you stay mad at that? I slowly got up. "It's going to be one of "those" days..." I get him his chocolate milk and like clock work, Chase and Landon come plowing through. Chase hits Landon in the nose. A little blood comes dripping down his chin. Landon is screaming. I try to rush to him but Landon hasn't gotten his revenge. Landon grabs Chase in a head lock and they are down on the floor tumbling in circles. "What is going on?!" I thought. "Who raised these kids?" Chase is now begging for mercy as Landon has him in his death grip. I am still making my way over to them. "CHASE! LANDON! STOP THAT!!!" No response from either of them. They continue their feud as if I did not exist. It is like I said nothing. "I SAID NOW! I MEAN IT! YOU STOP IT THIS INSTANT!!!" I am now pulling them apart.
Finally they are separated.They continue their fighting but now it is just words. "CHASE STARTED IT!" Landon yells. "NO, LANDON STARTED IT!" Chase says. Their arms are flying, swinging, and punching. I am now in between the cross fire of all the hitting. I now join in on the yelling fest. "I DON'T CARE WHO STARTED IT! I'M ENDING IT!" I grab each one's arm and take them to separate corners of the room."TIME OUT! YOU ARE BOTH OUT OF CONTROL!" Landon has now wiped the little bloody nose he had gotten all over his white night shirt. "AH! DUDE! WHY?!" I go to the other room to grab a rag to clean his face.
They are like magnets. As soon as I leave the room all %$@%#* breaks loose. This time they are laughing and playing. The fight is over. Now they want to wrestle. They are a moving ball of disaster. Rolling forward, backward, up and down. Destroying everything in their path. I have left the room for literally 60 seconds. I hear a crash and then a shatter.
Silence. No movement. Then a whisper, "RUN!" Landon and Chase run as fast as they can upstairs. I come racing around the corner just in time to see their little feet disappear up the stairs. "CHASE! LANDON! COME BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!!!"
I am not liking the fact that I am sounding so much like my mother, it is scary. BUT---I can't help it. I find myself saying the exact same things my mother said to me when I was a child. I am finding everything she said to me makes sense. I swore I would never say the phrase, "because I said so." I always hated that phrase as a child. I thought it made no logical sense whatsoever. It never answered my questions. I swore I would always answer every single solitary question each one of my children had. HA! "Why is the sky blue?" , "Because I said so.", "Why is the earth round?" , "Because I said so.", "Why do I have to do my chores?", "BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!"
IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!!! I'm tired. Everything should be because I said so. I birthed you child!!! No question about it. I am Mom. PLEASE! Just do what I ask! Please....!
Chase and Landon returned to the family room. I was greeted with two pairs of the most beautiful blue eyes you will ever gaze upon. They were looking at me. Big and wide-eyed. Guilty. They felt guilty. My anger level is through the roof and my patience is gone. But their eyes tame my anger and the guilt I see returns some of my patience. Before I can speak Chase and Landon say, "We love you Mommy."
I am lost for words. I will never understand little boys. BUT---they are truly a wild ride that you hold on for dear life. Little girls color and read. They can have quiet time. I know they have emotions...but I understand them:) There is no quiet time at our house. There is full speed and off. If they are up, they are wrestling. (sometimes fighting) Heads hit walls, feet have gone through them, and they have all broken their arms already. (Our oldest is 6 and youngest is 3, all 3 have taken a trip to the E.R.) Our TV just got in a sword fight with Chase and Landon and lost. There is now a hole and large shatter marks throughout the entire TV. ("the power rangers needed help mom!") Yes, the TV miraculously still works and I am married to an accountant....."If it ain't broke, don't fix it"
Some days I feel all I do is yell. Some days I feel all I say is, "STOP THAT!", or "DON'T DO THAT!", "STOP TOUCHING HIM!", "NO! NO!", "COME HERE!", "DO THIS!" and "DO THAT!" I swear some days I could loose my voice trying to shout over all of the noise in my house. I hate those days. But then those little stinkers tell me they love me....and dang it! I love them too!
It can be discouraging when in one day, all you feel you've done is yell. When all you feel is that the day has gotten away from you and you've made no progress whatsoever. I swear I feel that more days than I care to admit. But I wouldn't trade a minute of my "unprogressiveness" with anyone. My boys just said they loved me. That made my entire morning better. It turned my entire day around. Sure, I will never understand how one minute they can totally beat each other up and the next be best friends, but, they are so worth this crazy ride we are on.
So I yell. I hate that I yell. I wish I was little miss perfect with her soft little voice and her cute little apron that had it all together and never raised her voice when her kids were putting holes in the TV. I really do. But I'm not. So I'm a work in progress. I'm Ok with that.
So I start over the next day or the next hour. Chase and Landon said they loved me. It fixed the entire morning. Their little eyes reset my entire attitude. What beauty I get to witness is their sweet example of innocent love and admiration of their parents. They truly are such a ball of pure fun to have in my life! This is why it is great to be a parent. They are so worth it!
Monday, April 22, 2013
Mother
I have written about about so many important people in my life. But none so wonderful as my Mother.
I feel all those close to their mothers can relate to me when I say, I think my mother is the most amazing woman in the entire world.....Most daughters who are close to their mother's think that.
Her entire life has been one, big, gigantic, selfless act. She has dedicated her life to us 7 kids. (As so many of you beautiful mothers do.) Her love for us has been an unfailing, steadfast, and pure gift in our life. To have her as a mother was and is the greatest blessing god has blessed us with. I am thankful everyday I have her in my life.
Her strength is what I strive to have. Being a single mother was never in her dreams when she was a young girl, growing up. But she carried this family into great happiness and never let us down. At times, having 2 jobs and running us to dance and soccer games. She did it all. A fighter. Never giving up. Always pushing forward. Mom is the stitch that forever holds this family together.
Mom could never hurt a fly, but her presence makes you feel safe and protected. When she is near, peace is never far away. Love, is all around, and laughter is always at your lips.
Her laugh is contagious. Her giggle hilarious. True to a mother's standard's; she will laugh at all your jokes and tell you you are the funniest person she has ever met. Although you know she is your mom, she always makes you feel better about yourself.
She is my best friend. I can tell her anything and no judgment will come my way. She knows me better than I know myself. When I need her, she is there. She is there even when I don't know I need her.
Her beauty is incomparable. Because it goes beyond her face and into her eyes. In her eyes you can see the love she holds for every person she meets. Her eyes hold a beauty only a mother can posses. Her unconditional love for you is a just a sliver to how deep her heart feels for others. She is kind, she is sincere, she is mother.
Although, she may have had to move a few times.....(Each time the home a little smaller).....it always feels absolutely perfect inside.....because she lives there. Her presence makes the home richer, brighter, and happier. I always feel like it is home no matter where she lives. She is home.
Her patience is something I strive to replicate each day with my own children. The steady kindness I felt as a child remains with me today as I raise my own. To hear mom raise her voice was rare and you were always guilty as charged. The worst feeling in the world is when you disappoint mom. But.........She never stays upset long.
Her ever forgiving heart is something you can always count on. Once you are loved by this woman, it is for life.
I love this woman. She is amazing in every kind of way the world could possibly describe a person. She has done so much for me in my life. I can not imagine not having her in mine. The love and sacrifices she has made in her life has made mine that much sweeter. I would not be where I am today if it weren't for her. Her dreams were to make mine come true.
She is what I have always wanted to be. She is what I always strive to be. She is my mother.
***If you are a daughter who is close to your mother, I think you probably all feel the same way about your mother too!!! THEY ARE THE BEST!!! I guess I better tell I think so!!!***
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Secrets, Secrets, are no fun....Secrets, Secrets, Hurt Someone...
Did you ever hear the phrase on the playground, "Secrets, Secrets, are no fun...Secrets, Secrets, hurt Someone?"
Usually it was said to you while you were whispering into one of your friends ear. All the while, another child was feeling horribly left out. She is imagining horrible things are being said about her. When really the secret may have been just that you peed your pants and you needed to get to the bathroom asap. You just whispered in your friends ear because you needed them to cover for you while you made your get away.
Still the child left out felt hurt. She is your friend too. She is confused why she was not included or trusted like the other friend was.
This is just a silly misunderstanding at a playground. We all have misunderstandings. We've dealt with them our entire lives. We've fixed them and moved on. We all have different trials, weaknesses, and struggles. We all have secrets too.
Secrets that may have hurt others. Secrets that may have hurt ourselves. Secrets that are still hurting. The truth is, Secrets....secrets....really are no fun. The feeling of being honest and authentic is truly a gift.
I'm not faulting anyone for having a secret....believe me....I'm not:) I've got plenty. Yea, I know. You'd think with how honest I am on this blog you'd know everything about me....but yes, even I have secrets. There is a huge reason I started this blog.....for my secrets.
I found the weight of my secrets too much. My baby steps toward being honest with myself and family has been a real journey. I feel closer to them than I ever have before in my entire life. Their love and support for me has been truly amazing.
Family is a beautiful and sacred gift. I am so grateful for mine. Secrets inside of them can be devastating. Just like the child at the playground, I'm sure, at times, as secrets have come out, my family has felt hurt, confused, or untrusted.
Secrets....secrets....hurt someone.
So family, if in anyway you have been hurt, or felt utterly confused, or totally untrusted in the past......Please know we love you so much. We love your smiling faces. We love your laughs, we love that we have you in our lives. Please know if any feelings were hurt in the past it was not my intention. My thoughts were just to set things in truth and love. I love you all so much. I hope all is well.
Didn't mama say, "The truth will set you free?"
Usually it was said to you while you were whispering into one of your friends ear. All the while, another child was feeling horribly left out. She is imagining horrible things are being said about her. When really the secret may have been just that you peed your pants and you needed to get to the bathroom asap. You just whispered in your friends ear because you needed them to cover for you while you made your get away.
Still the child left out felt hurt. She is your friend too. She is confused why she was not included or trusted like the other friend was.
This is just a silly misunderstanding at a playground. We all have misunderstandings. We've dealt with them our entire lives. We've fixed them and moved on. We all have different trials, weaknesses, and struggles. We all have secrets too.
Secrets that may have hurt others. Secrets that may have hurt ourselves. Secrets that are still hurting. The truth is, Secrets....secrets....really are no fun. The feeling of being honest and authentic is truly a gift.
I'm not faulting anyone for having a secret....believe me....I'm not:) I've got plenty. Yea, I know. You'd think with how honest I am on this blog you'd know everything about me....but yes, even I have secrets. There is a huge reason I started this blog.....for my secrets.
I found the weight of my secrets too much. My baby steps toward being honest with myself and family has been a real journey. I feel closer to them than I ever have before in my entire life. Their love and support for me has been truly amazing.
Family is a beautiful and sacred gift. I am so grateful for mine. Secrets inside of them can be devastating. Just like the child at the playground, I'm sure, at times, as secrets have come out, my family has felt hurt, confused, or untrusted.
Secrets....secrets....hurt someone.
So family, if in anyway you have been hurt, or felt utterly confused, or totally untrusted in the past......Please know we love you so much. We love your smiling faces. We love your laughs, we love that we have you in our lives. Please know if any feelings were hurt in the past it was not my intention. My thoughts were just to set things in truth and love. I love you all so much. I hope all is well.
Didn't mama say, "The truth will set you free?"
Thinking...
Spread love everywhere you go.
First of all in your own house.
Give love
to your children,
to your wife or husband,
to a next door neighbor.
Let
no one ever come to you
without leaving better and happier.
Be the
living expression of God's kindness.
Kindness in your face,
Kindness in
your eyes,
kindness in your smile,
kindness in your warm greeting.
(Mother Teresa)I have had someone look at me with kindness in their eyes and warmness in their smile. I could feel the love and meaning they had behind that smile. That smile kept my spirits high for a week. Just one smile.
I've always loved mother Teresa. This quote really got me thinking this week. It made me think of the word magnetic.
I have a friend who is just magnetic. Her face, her smile, her laugh, her personality, her everything, is just what you want to be around.
She is the type of person that you just can't get enough of. She is unique in the best kind of way. Her smile is sincere. She will make you feel like you are her best friend within a matter of minutes and immediately care for you.
If she is having a bad day she will make sure she does something for someone else, because that is what makes her feel better. She is completely selfless.
This quote made me think of these magnetic people we have in our lives. People who we see and our day is better. People who make me want to be a better person. People I see, and they make me smile my true smile.
I have such a beautiful family. Their smiles are true gifts in my life. I'm not just talking immediate family, extended family as well.
Sabrina, your smile is so beautiful and has brought me so much fun in my life. I always love it when I get to see you. You are an amazing mother.
Corie, your smile and giggle is contagious. I'm always excited to see you. You have helped me through a lot lately. I love you so much. You are amazing, you have no idea!
Stacy, I don't think you ever see this blog but you are the sister I never had. I love everything about you.
Justin and Heather Hanson, the cutest couple in the world! But seriously Justin, one of my favorite cousins!!! But I know you're on everyone's top 10.
Kristie, love your kindness. You are so fun to be around.Your children should be models:)
Livvy, you are absolutely amazing. Your strength has always been an example to me. You are beyond beautiful.
Emily (cousin), I just love you. You are so fun to be around and I miss seeing you.
Amanda, I love your honesty. You are so wonderful.
Grandma, your smile is my favorite. It warms me up and makes everything better.
Adam, I'm the happiest when you smile. You can't help but be happy when you are around. If you are around, all my worries cease to exist.
Cabub, I adore everything about you. You will always make life a breath of fresh air and so much funner to live in.
Seth, best smile in the world. No one can beat your smile buddy. Nobody.
Jesse, Yours is the smile I miss and cherish the most.
Jenna, Your smile shows your true beauty. You are warm, loving, and tender. That is what I love most about you. You are irreplaceable.
Megs, I am happier when I see you. Your smile has always been one of my favorite things. You are irreplaceable.
Emily, My other sister:), Your smile is a necessity in my life. You are one of my favorite people in the world.
Mamma, your smile has to always be there.....I don't know what I would do with out it. It is The best thing in the entire world. I'm so grateful god blessed me with such a wonderful mother.
Lexi, Chase, Landon, and Beckham, The smiles I live for. No words can express the warmth, love, and peace they bring to me.
My Hubby, The smile I wish never left in the morning. I love you.
These smiles have been the warmth, love, and strength in my life. I have always left their company and come out a better, happier, person.
Our kind and tender smiles can greatly effect those for good. When no word's could be found, their loving faces have been there for any support.
I saw this quote and started to think......"How often do I smile?"
(No offense to any family not included in this post. I included all those who I thought might see this post....if you are seeing this post.....I love your smile too:))
Friday, April 19, 2013
Energy...
Energy. It has left the building. Whatever used to run this body is gone. It now runs on 5 hour energy bottles and energy drinks. I am a walking zombie.
Or so it feels like most of the time. Where did it all go? I used to be able to stay up for hours and wake up and run early in the morning; feel great and get ready for the day. Now, I'm in my PJ's all day, hair greased back, and fighting back crawling back into bed.
These kids are a ball of never ending energy I am chasing after. But they are on turbo speed and my max is set at 50. I'm always two steps behind they 5 steps ahead.
If I am cleaning one room they are right behind like a twister, leaving a room of blobby mess. If the house looks the same as when my husband left in the morning, the day is considered a triumph. I'm sure I have mono. Yes. That's it. I have mono. I must. There is no other way my body could be this tired ALL THE TIME.
I fell asleep on the floor today. Face into the floor, drool everywhere, sloppy, kind of fall asleep. My dog River got worried. She'd been laying by me for the past 15 minutes.
I woke up to a ball of fur on my head and an increasing amount of pressure. River was sitting on my head. It was time to get up. I hear a soft hissing sound and the ball of fur is gone in an instant.
Then came the smell. River had farted on my head and then bolted to the next room.
I had energy...
This dog was dead. I sat up as fast as I could.
The house was in shambles. Beckham was running at me full speed. NO DIAPER. He dives at me. I catch him.
Another smell. My hand slipped across his bum. "No way!" Poop everywhere. "Really?" Beckham is giggling his cutest giggle so it is impossible to be angry with him. Instead, I run for the dog. I go to grab her to take her outside. I have forgotten the poop is still on my hand. Poop is now all over the dog.
I scream. "Poooo! POOO! It's everywhere!"
By now the kids have all gathered. They are all giggling. Beckham is still half naked.
What is it with my family and poop? I know I still have a potty training child but this is getting a little out of hand. Why did my dog fart on my head?
I have made a new goal this week and I'm going to see if it helps...
I'm going to exercise every morning for 45 minutes and see if that gives me more energy. I need to be on guard for these little buggers. Who knows what they are planning next...
Or so it feels like most of the time. Where did it all go? I used to be able to stay up for hours and wake up and run early in the morning; feel great and get ready for the day. Now, I'm in my PJ's all day, hair greased back, and fighting back crawling back into bed.
These kids are a ball of never ending energy I am chasing after. But they are on turbo speed and my max is set at 50. I'm always two steps behind they 5 steps ahead.
If I am cleaning one room they are right behind like a twister, leaving a room of blobby mess. If the house looks the same as when my husband left in the morning, the day is considered a triumph. I'm sure I have mono. Yes. That's it. I have mono. I must. There is no other way my body could be this tired ALL THE TIME.
I fell asleep on the floor today. Face into the floor, drool everywhere, sloppy, kind of fall asleep. My dog River got worried. She'd been laying by me for the past 15 minutes.
I woke up to a ball of fur on my head and an increasing amount of pressure. River was sitting on my head. It was time to get up. I hear a soft hissing sound and the ball of fur is gone in an instant.
Then came the smell. River had farted on my head and then bolted to the next room.
I had energy...
This dog was dead. I sat up as fast as I could.
The house was in shambles. Beckham was running at me full speed. NO DIAPER. He dives at me. I catch him.
Another smell. My hand slipped across his bum. "No way!" Poop everywhere. "Really?" Beckham is giggling his cutest giggle so it is impossible to be angry with him. Instead, I run for the dog. I go to grab her to take her outside. I have forgotten the poop is still on my hand. Poop is now all over the dog.
I scream. "Poooo! POOO! It's everywhere!"
By now the kids have all gathered. They are all giggling. Beckham is still half naked.
What is it with my family and poop? I know I still have a potty training child but this is getting a little out of hand. Why did my dog fart on my head?
I have made a new goal this week and I'm going to see if it helps...
I'm going to exercise every morning for 45 minutes and see if that gives me more energy. I need to be on guard for these little buggers. Who knows what they are planning next...
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Can't Hardly Weight!!!
Life
has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing
atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates
the climber to steadier steps, till the legend, over
steep ways to the stars, fulfills itself.
W. C. Doane
Earlier in the year Kirt and I decided to enter into a competition against each other. A weight loss competition. I was so sure Kirt was going to win.
When it comes to competitions against each other, Kirt and I are really competitive. I hate loosing against him.
When we were first married we had never played a board game or even a card game together. So, we decided to play speed. It is basically a matching card game at lightning fast SPEED. So you can imagine when one person gets a lot of matches in a row, without you seeing any of them, you can get really frustrated.
I had grown up playing this game with my family and grandpa. I was sure I was a pro at the entire game. Plus, I was the one teaching Kirt the game. I was sure to win. Right? Wrong. Kirt was a natural. He wasted me time after time.
At first, I pretended I was Ok with it. But soon I was irate! I threw the cards down and ran upstairs like a child. "You're a cheater!" I screamed. If you have ever played speed you know what I am talking about. That game can be the most frustrating game in the entire world. It is a game of pure honestly. You really can't tell what the other is doing until it is too late if at all.
Kirt ran after me. I screamed again, "Cheater!" I slammed the bathroom door. Kirt couldn't help but laugh out loud. "Ok....this is not happening." I sulked for 10 minutes. I felt so stupid.
Because of that one incident, (and other brief attempts), we have thrown up the white flag on games or anything that might have to do with a competition against each other. Until now.....
Battle of the bulge has been in effect for a month and a half. Kirt came home on day two and announced that he had a salad for lunch and I was furious. He could not win this one. He wins every time we try to do a "friendly" competition. One salad meant 3 lost pounds the next day. No fair Men can loose that easily.
We set up rules. All natural. Do it healthy, with real food. So.......what did I do? YUP..............You guesses it...........I cheated.
I went to a weight loss clinic. I decided to try the HCG diet. (I know what you are thinking....but, oh well, luckily I don't care what people think.) I've heard it all. It doesn't work, It does, It's a lie. You know, everything. I thought, "Well, I've been trying for over a year to get motivated, maybe this will jump start me."
So I did it...................Ladies and Gentlemen......................I have lost 22 pounds. I've been off the HCG diet for 4 weeks and my weight has remained stable and not returned to where it originally was. It actually worked!!! I loved it. I know it is not for some or even most, but I love, love, loved it!!! Granted I still have 20 more to go but I'm just glad I was able to do that. It gave me the motivation to get going and keep going.
Kirt has lost 5 pounds. Oh YEAH!!! Guess who's getting paid??? That's right!!! I am!!! Any ideas on where the money should go to??? I'm the winner of this one sucka!
W. C. Doane
Earlier in the year Kirt and I decided to enter into a competition against each other. A weight loss competition. I was so sure Kirt was going to win.
When it comes to competitions against each other, Kirt and I are really competitive. I hate loosing against him.
When we were first married we had never played a board game or even a card game together. So, we decided to play speed. It is basically a matching card game at lightning fast SPEED. So you can imagine when one person gets a lot of matches in a row, without you seeing any of them, you can get really frustrated.
I had grown up playing this game with my family and grandpa. I was sure I was a pro at the entire game. Plus, I was the one teaching Kirt the game. I was sure to win. Right? Wrong. Kirt was a natural. He wasted me time after time.
At first, I pretended I was Ok with it. But soon I was irate! I threw the cards down and ran upstairs like a child. "You're a cheater!" I screamed. If you have ever played speed you know what I am talking about. That game can be the most frustrating game in the entire world. It is a game of pure honestly. You really can't tell what the other is doing until it is too late if at all.
Kirt ran after me. I screamed again, "Cheater!" I slammed the bathroom door. Kirt couldn't help but laugh out loud. "Ok....this is not happening." I sulked for 10 minutes. I felt so stupid.
Because of that one incident, (and other brief attempts), we have thrown up the white flag on games or anything that might have to do with a competition against each other. Until now.....
Battle of the bulge has been in effect for a month and a half. Kirt came home on day two and announced that he had a salad for lunch and I was furious. He could not win this one. He wins every time we try to do a "friendly" competition. One salad meant 3 lost pounds the next day. No fair Men can loose that easily.
We set up rules. All natural. Do it healthy, with real food. So.......what did I do? YUP..............You guesses it...........I cheated.
I went to a weight loss clinic. I decided to try the HCG diet. (I know what you are thinking....but, oh well, luckily I don't care what people think.) I've heard it all. It doesn't work, It does, It's a lie. You know, everything. I thought, "Well, I've been trying for over a year to get motivated, maybe this will jump start me."
So I did it...................Ladies and Gentlemen......................I have lost 22 pounds. I've been off the HCG diet for 4 weeks and my weight has remained stable and not returned to where it originally was. It actually worked!!! I loved it. I know it is not for some or even most, but I love, love, loved it!!! Granted I still have 20 more to go but I'm just glad I was able to do that. It gave me the motivation to get going and keep going.
Kirt has lost 5 pounds. Oh YEAH!!! Guess who's getting paid??? That's right!!! I am!!! Any ideas on where the money should go to??? I'm the winner of this one sucka!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Where's the Merry-Go-Round???
Do you remember the Merry-Go-Round? You know, the one at the park where you had to grab a hold of it, start running, spin it in a circle as fast as you could, hop on the metal plate with little bars, and hold on for dear life? The one where if you spun in the circle fast enough one of your friends, or you, would go spinning off if you didn't hold on tight enough? The one that made you so dizzy you thought you would barf right then and there, but, at the same time, made you giggle so hard you thought you peed yourself?
Or what Jungle gym tower made of just metal bars??? OH yeah! That one nearly killed me a few times!!! How did we survive? I remember being left to run the neighborhood for hours. Mom just had dad whistle to have us come home. It is crazy to think about doing that now.
I played on that Merry-go-round every time we went to the park. It was my favorite thing at the park.
Where is my Merry-go-Round???
OK. So I am guilty. I don't know if I would let my kids play on it! Sad huh?! I know why is it not in the playgrounds anymore. I am so afraid of them getting badly hurt and trapped underneath that thing. But--I can remember on more than on occasion that thing beating me up pretty good. So, I learned, and never did that again. But I'm noticing my protectiveness is getting in the way of them just being kids.
My mom used to have chicken pock parties. Now it is sanitize, disinfect, isolate. Her way sounds funner:)
By the way I act sometimes it is like I want the playground padded. I'm sure with all the rules I have set up for my kids I'm setting myself up for a revolt when they are teenagers. Saying "they never experienced life and we were too restricting."
I miss the merry-go-round and the metal bars of doom. I know they are way too dangerous but I wonder if I put so much padding on life and my kids that I forget to let kids just be KIDS.
(Who break their arm occasionally at the playground......)
Or what Jungle gym tower made of just metal bars??? OH yeah! That one nearly killed me a few times!!! How did we survive? I remember being left to run the neighborhood for hours. Mom just had dad whistle to have us come home. It is crazy to think about doing that now.
I played on that Merry-go-round every time we went to the park. It was my favorite thing at the park.
Where is my Merry-go-Round???
OK. So I am guilty. I don't know if I would let my kids play on it! Sad huh?! I know why is it not in the playgrounds anymore. I am so afraid of them getting badly hurt and trapped underneath that thing. But--I can remember on more than on occasion that thing beating me up pretty good. So, I learned, and never did that again. But I'm noticing my protectiveness is getting in the way of them just being kids.
My mom used to have chicken pock parties. Now it is sanitize, disinfect, isolate. Her way sounds funner:)
By the way I act sometimes it is like I want the playground padded. I'm sure with all the rules I have set up for my kids I'm setting myself up for a revolt when they are teenagers. Saying "they never experienced life and we were too restricting."
I miss the merry-go-round and the metal bars of doom. I know they are way too dangerous but I wonder if I put so much padding on life and my kids that I forget to let kids just be KIDS.
(Who break their arm occasionally at the playground......)
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Kids say the darndest things...
So I'm going in a complete different direction this time. Still going with the same theme, still being honest, just thought I'd lighten the mood a little...
My kids and I stayed up way too late one night talking. When I put the kids to bed it's a pretty laid back scenario. I don't have a strict schedule. It drives my husband crazy! It can take me up to and hour and a half to put those kids to bed. I find those little babies minds too funny! We stay up and talk about anything and everything. If you get a kid talking long enough.....their thoughts will fascinate you. My boys especially.
If you get them at night and when they are tired.....it is late night comedy at its best. A pure laugh fest if you let it.
My boys can talk about and do some of the grossest stuff. I know I should tell them, "Chase! Landon! Becks! Stop talking about your farts!" and "Who cares who's poop is bigger today!" or "Why do you have to sword fight with your pee every time you go to the bathroom?!" But I find myself just laughing in the corner like a child all the time. Who said kids weren't the coolest entertainment God ever blessed us with?!
I am finding this growing up thing a little challenging. How am I supposed to tell my kids to stop doing and saying stuff I personally think is quite hilarious? I can't lie, can I?! My personal ethics are at stake here!! They are like my stay at home comics. Why do I have to be the one to tell them they are behaving poorly? When in reality, I just think, "Oh.....now THAT was funny!!"
I remember the very first time the thought entered my mind to get a boob job. I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying off. I was leaning over and rolling my hair up in a towel. My then, 2 year old chase, came bursting through the bathroom door. His eyes immediately went wide and looked straight at my boobs. I hurried and covered them. Chase hurries and says, "Mommy, how long are those?!" I was in shock.
"How....how.....rude!" I look down and take a peak. "AWE! They are long!" I thought for a second. "Oh man!!! Now I will have to get them done!!" ---It was a hard day for me--
Yet still they remain. Long and flappy:)
Landon and chase were wrestling, and Chase was on top of Landon bouncing up and down. Landon kept letting out little farts every now and again. Chase says, "Landon, stop farting! You know you can control your farts!!" Landon immediately responds angrily, "No I can't chase, not when you're sitting on me! That's what makes farts pop!"
Now when I hear those arguments I am just hysterically laughing and no parenting will ever occur to this one! It was a winner. Too funny to ruin. I did come in and tell them they made me laugh and that I loved them, though....
Hey, it made them stop arguing. That's the important part, right? Ummmm.......ok, I may have a problem with disciplining things if they are hilarious.
A great example of that is when Aunt Jenna came to visit. Aunt Jenna is young and extremely beautiful. Not only that, she's got some great knockers. (boobies) She comes inside the house and is wearing a low cut v-neck shirt.
Chase and Landon come racing to hug their aunt Jenna. She swoops them in her arms and squeezes them as hard as she can. Their faces all plunge down her neckline. Jenna lets them go. Their hands immediately grab her breasts. (They are 5 and 6)
"What are those?" Landon asks. "AHHHH!!!" Jenna was taken completely off guard. "HAHAHAHA!" I burst out with no control whatsoever. I calm down after what takes A LOT of effort. "I mean, Chase! Landon! No touching Aunt Jenna's boobies!!!" Jenna just looks at me in disbelief. I'm still holding back my laughs. She has now been laughing for awhile too.
"I forgot to tell you that plunging neck lines are a no-no in this house hold. For some reason tiny little hands flock to them."
"Aunt Jenna!" Landon pleaded. "You still didn't answer my question! WHAT ARE THOSE?!" I suddenly realize why they are asking the question to her and not me. Hers looks lots nicer than mine. They aren't "long and flappy", they are huge and perky. I am again offended......man that boob job sounds nice.
Jenna is still laughing. Before I can tell Landon to stop talking to my sister about her private parts and give him the whole speech thing you gotta do as parents, she tells them they are her BOOBS.
Awe Man! Landon's eyes got wide and he smiled his biggest grin. He then said the comment every mother needs to hear to help her realize she really does have a boy living in the house with her. Not her perfect little baby child but a full fledged boy who's growing up and develop hormones. Or noticing what he likes about girls. Landon says, "I like those!" he smiles and stares. "AHHHHH!!!" Jenna covers herself with a jacket.
"I told you! No plunging neck lines!!!" I laughed. Later I listened to the boys talk about boobies and how soft and fun they thought they were. But---they know it is a private part and you can't touch, stare, ask anyone about their private parts. They know to come to me now. No touching random girls boobs. Yea for me! I taught them a lesson!!
Wow! Sometimes I have these conversations with my boys and I think, REALLY? Already? Am I that old? Can I really be having these talks already?But then the classic story of Chase and Landon at the soccer fields...
We were at Lexi's soccer game and Chase and Landon were wrestling around like they always do. Then, A group of girls walk by.......and automatically they both freeze in their tracks and stare. I was in shock. Chase is only 6 years old and Landon is 4. What is going on??? Chase whispers to Landon and says, "Landon, tell those girl to come here." Landon looks at you half angry, half confused, "Why can't you do it?". Chase, "because I told you to do it first! Now do it." Landon looks at Chase defiantly and then takes the defeat, "oh, okay. But next time it's your turn!" I am thinking to myself, "Next time? Do they do this often? What is going on?" I decide to let all of this play out. I am totally curious if my boys are actually trying to pick up on a group of 15 and 16 year old girls. The group of girls are standing about 30 feet from them and I am hiding in the background where no one can see. Landon shouts, "Hey girls! Come here!"
And then both Chase and Landon start flexing for them.........I am dying! This is too funny! The girls are not impressed, (obviously). They replied, "No!" and turned and started to leave. Chase whispers in Landon's ear again, "Tell them if they don't come over here, we're going to beat them up!" Landon replies, "Awe Chase. Do I have too?" and Chase says, "YES!! Now stop being a baby and do it!" Chase gives Landon a little nudge and yells so loud a few heads even turn to see who was yelling. "Hey girls! If you don't come over here we're going to beat you up." This is when I finally intervene. "Chase, Landon!! If you want to pick up on a girl, threatening to beat her up does not make her want to come over and talk to you." Both of them looked so confused.
They are just too funny!!! But after having kids and after many nights of talking to them there some things even I have not grown up from. (I know, I know, real SHOCKER there huh?!)
So ladies and gentlemen I'm gonna let ya in on a little bit of a secret.....things I don't tell anyone. But the kids and I's conversation was too funny not to post about. We were asking each other what are some things you do that you would normally never admit to doing. It started out shy and then got crazy funny.
Despite my better judgment,.......I wrote down mine. My kids loved that I participated in the game. Now.....Don't judge me, love me. Because dang it!! I'm freaking awesome! I may have a few screws loose but I like it that way.
Here is the list. (Of course, some of these I did not tell my children.) Remember....no judging....
I'm afraid of the dark. If Kirt would let me, I would have a night light on every night. I am still sure the girl in the movie, "The Ring", is out to get me.
If a TV goes fuzzy...it will induce a full fledged panic attack. (Oh....she's real people!!!)
I hate shopping. (Don't tell my girl friends! I like to get in and get out!)
I still like to watch Power Rangers. (The red one is my favorite.)
If I bounce on a tramp, my uterus usually feels like it falls out of my HOO-HAA. (SO sure that is not a good thing...)
I sometimes rewind kissing scenes over and over because I think they are so romantic and I wish I was the one kissing the leading man..........(scandalous I know!!! Don't worry, Kirt knows and loves me anyways. He knows he's the hottest man in the world to me anyways.)
I love I can blame all my farts in the stores on my kids and walk away. (I mean, who'd believe them?)
If I could, I would play in the McDonald play place play land. I want to crawl around in those tubes!
I still pee-pee in public pools. Only on occasion.....(Don't tell ANYONE!!!)
If I fart, I have to smell them.........."Gross Niki!" I know!
Those kids are too much fun. Laughing with them is my best medicine. I'm not going to have stay at home, late night comedy forever. Better get it while its hot!
My kids and I stayed up way too late one night talking. When I put the kids to bed it's a pretty laid back scenario. I don't have a strict schedule. It drives my husband crazy! It can take me up to and hour and a half to put those kids to bed. I find those little babies minds too funny! We stay up and talk about anything and everything. If you get a kid talking long enough.....their thoughts will fascinate you. My boys especially.
If you get them at night and when they are tired.....it is late night comedy at its best. A pure laugh fest if you let it.
My boys can talk about and do some of the grossest stuff. I know I should tell them, "Chase! Landon! Becks! Stop talking about your farts!" and "Who cares who's poop is bigger today!" or "Why do you have to sword fight with your pee every time you go to the bathroom?!" But I find myself just laughing in the corner like a child all the time. Who said kids weren't the coolest entertainment God ever blessed us with?!
I am finding this growing up thing a little challenging. How am I supposed to tell my kids to stop doing and saying stuff I personally think is quite hilarious? I can't lie, can I?! My personal ethics are at stake here!! They are like my stay at home comics. Why do I have to be the one to tell them they are behaving poorly? When in reality, I just think, "Oh.....now THAT was funny!!"
I remember the very first time the thought entered my mind to get a boob job. I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying off. I was leaning over and rolling my hair up in a towel. My then, 2 year old chase, came bursting through the bathroom door. His eyes immediately went wide and looked straight at my boobs. I hurried and covered them. Chase hurries and says, "Mommy, how long are those?!" I was in shock.
"How....how.....rude!" I look down and take a peak. "AWE! They are long!" I thought for a second. "Oh man!!! Now I will have to get them done!!" ---It was a hard day for me--
Yet still they remain. Long and flappy:)
Landon and chase were wrestling, and Chase was on top of Landon bouncing up and down. Landon kept letting out little farts every now and again. Chase says, "Landon, stop farting! You know you can control your farts!!" Landon immediately responds angrily, "No I can't chase, not when you're sitting on me! That's what makes farts pop!"
Now when I hear those arguments I am just hysterically laughing and no parenting will ever occur to this one! It was a winner. Too funny to ruin. I did come in and tell them they made me laugh and that I loved them, though....
Hey, it made them stop arguing. That's the important part, right? Ummmm.......ok, I may have a problem with disciplining things if they are hilarious.
A great example of that is when Aunt Jenna came to visit. Aunt Jenna is young and extremely beautiful. Not only that, she's got some great knockers. (boobies) She comes inside the house and is wearing a low cut v-neck shirt.
Chase and Landon come racing to hug their aunt Jenna. She swoops them in her arms and squeezes them as hard as she can. Their faces all plunge down her neckline. Jenna lets them go. Their hands immediately grab her breasts. (They are 5 and 6)
"What are those?" Landon asks. "AHHHH!!!" Jenna was taken completely off guard. "HAHAHAHA!" I burst out with no control whatsoever. I calm down after what takes A LOT of effort. "I mean, Chase! Landon! No touching Aunt Jenna's boobies!!!" Jenna just looks at me in disbelief. I'm still holding back my laughs. She has now been laughing for awhile too.
"I forgot to tell you that plunging neck lines are a no-no in this house hold. For some reason tiny little hands flock to them."
"Aunt Jenna!" Landon pleaded. "You still didn't answer my question! WHAT ARE THOSE?!" I suddenly realize why they are asking the question to her and not me. Hers looks lots nicer than mine. They aren't "long and flappy", they are huge and perky. I am again offended......man that boob job sounds nice.
Jenna is still laughing. Before I can tell Landon to stop talking to my sister about her private parts and give him the whole speech thing you gotta do as parents, she tells them they are her BOOBS.
Awe Man! Landon's eyes got wide and he smiled his biggest grin. He then said the comment every mother needs to hear to help her realize she really does have a boy living in the house with her. Not her perfect little baby child but a full fledged boy who's growing up and develop hormones. Or noticing what he likes about girls. Landon says, "I like those!" he smiles and stares. "AHHHHH!!!" Jenna covers herself with a jacket.
"I told you! No plunging neck lines!!!" I laughed. Later I listened to the boys talk about boobies and how soft and fun they thought they were. But---they know it is a private part and you can't touch, stare, ask anyone about their private parts. They know to come to me now. No touching random girls boobs. Yea for me! I taught them a lesson!!
Wow! Sometimes I have these conversations with my boys and I think, REALLY? Already? Am I that old? Can I really be having these talks already?But then the classic story of Chase and Landon at the soccer fields...
We were at Lexi's soccer game and Chase and Landon were wrestling around like they always do. Then, A group of girls walk by.......and automatically they both freeze in their tracks and stare. I was in shock. Chase is only 6 years old and Landon is 4. What is going on??? Chase whispers to Landon and says, "Landon, tell those girl to come here." Landon looks at you half angry, half confused, "Why can't you do it?". Chase, "because I told you to do it first! Now do it." Landon looks at Chase defiantly and then takes the defeat, "oh, okay. But next time it's your turn!" I am thinking to myself, "Next time? Do they do this often? What is going on?" I decide to let all of this play out. I am totally curious if my boys are actually trying to pick up on a group of 15 and 16 year old girls. The group of girls are standing about 30 feet from them and I am hiding in the background where no one can see. Landon shouts, "Hey girls! Come here!"
And then both Chase and Landon start flexing for them.........I am dying! This is too funny! The girls are not impressed, (obviously). They replied, "No!" and turned and started to leave. Chase whispers in Landon's ear again, "Tell them if they don't come over here, we're going to beat them up!" Landon replies, "Awe Chase. Do I have too?" and Chase says, "YES!! Now stop being a baby and do it!" Chase gives Landon a little nudge and yells so loud a few heads even turn to see who was yelling. "Hey girls! If you don't come over here we're going to beat you up." This is when I finally intervene. "Chase, Landon!! If you want to pick up on a girl, threatening to beat her up does not make her want to come over and talk to you." Both of them looked so confused.
They are just too funny!!! But after having kids and after many nights of talking to them there some things even I have not grown up from. (I know, I know, real SHOCKER there huh?!)
So ladies and gentlemen I'm gonna let ya in on a little bit of a secret.....things I don't tell anyone. But the kids and I's conversation was too funny not to post about. We were asking each other what are some things you do that you would normally never admit to doing. It started out shy and then got crazy funny.
Despite my better judgment,.......I wrote down mine. My kids loved that I participated in the game. Now.....Don't judge me, love me. Because dang it!! I'm freaking awesome! I may have a few screws loose but I like it that way.
Here is the list. (Of course, some of these I did not tell my children.) Remember....no judging....
I'm afraid of the dark. If Kirt would let me, I would have a night light on every night. I am still sure the girl in the movie, "The Ring", is out to get me.
If a TV goes fuzzy...it will induce a full fledged panic attack. (Oh....she's real people!!!)
I hate shopping. (Don't tell my girl friends! I like to get in and get out!)
I still like to watch Power Rangers. (The red one is my favorite.)
If I bounce on a tramp, my uterus usually feels like it falls out of my HOO-HAA. (SO sure that is not a good thing...)
I sometimes rewind kissing scenes over and over because I think they are so romantic and I wish I was the one kissing the leading man..........(scandalous I know!!! Don't worry, Kirt knows and loves me anyways. He knows he's the hottest man in the world to me anyways.)
I love I can blame all my farts in the stores on my kids and walk away. (I mean, who'd believe them?)
If I could, I would play in the McDonald play place play land. I want to crawl around in those tubes!
I still pee-pee in public pools. Only on occasion.....(Don't tell ANYONE!!!)
If I fart, I have to smell them.........."Gross Niki!" I know!
Those kids are too much fun. Laughing with them is my best medicine. I'm not going to have stay at home, late night comedy forever. Better get it while its hot!
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