Cliffs, Suicide, Runaway, Murder

My new years resolution this year, for once, was not to loose weight, it was to face my demons. This is my biggest one. The question, What do you think happened? So lets dive in. This is completely bluntly honest. Do not read if you do not want to think about this. Reality is, it doesn't matter what happened. All that matters is that I know I will see him again. I know I love Jesse. I know Jesse loves me. I know life is what you make of it, not what it throws at you.
     OK.....we have thought it, so lets just say it. Do we think he committed suicide??? Honestly? Maybe. Possibilities are endless. Cliffs are everywhere in Kuwai. So many people go hiking and go missing all the time on that trail. (Kololoa Trail) But if you ever do have the chance to go hiking on this trail I hear it is one of the most spectacular beauties of this world. Could he have runaway and just wanted to stay hidden and not call us for five years? Highly unlikely. Although, sadly, this is a hope/anger we hold on to. Jesse loved talking to his family and friends and never went a day or two in Hawaii without calling us. His best friend Mike, was called a lot as well. Jesse spoke very highly of him and said he never had a better friend than him. Thank you Mike for all you did for him. As for Murder? Yes. This is our worst fear. SO the three most likely: Cliffs, Suicide, or Murder.
  
Lets start with the hard ones and end with the one we hope happened. (Cliffs.)

   Suicide. We know now Jesse struggled severely with depression from a very young age. Jesse was hilarious. The life of the party. Hind sight is always 20/20. I remember little comments here and there, but he was so funny about it, I always thought he was joking. Jesse had severe insomnia and rarely slept. We had a physically and verbally abusive father. I truly believe my father did his best and don't want to make my brothers disappearance harder on him than it already has been so that is all I will say on that. I do know his depression stems from that though. Jesse never liked to disappoint anyone and when he did he took it very hard. He was very hard on himself. From what friends and past girl friends have said, he didn't like himself very much. This breaks my heart because if you knew him you wanted to be his friend. I know if he ever hurt anyone's feelings he hated himself for it, and seemed to never forgive himself for it. He lost a friend in high school over a comment he made and never fully recovered after that due to how guilty he felt. A perfectionist to a terrible fault. You would never have guessed it. His depression was very real and very deep. I have noticed girls have a hard time talking about it but guys almost never talk about it. It's like they are not allowed to be depressed or something. Guys....you've gotta talk. We need you around. I'm sure Jesse just didn't think guys were meant to be depressed. Girls have kids and emotions, guys are taught to be tough and examples. People for others to lean on. Well, I'm sure my brother needed someone to lean on. I say to you guys, it is ok to be depressed. If it is ok that I get depressed than it is ok you get depressed. Express yourself. Nothing is hotter than when my husband actually lets me do something for him. He acts like he can't mess up. I say that is way too much pressure for you guys to keep up. I would have snapped a long time ago. Help each other. Fight together, not alone.
     After he went to Hawaii his ex-girlfriend called us and expressed to us that she was extremely worried about him. My sister Jenna met with her and was told that Jesse had already attempted suicide at least 3 times already and that she was worried that Jesse would try again in Hawaii. We all freaked out and called Jesse to see how he was doing, expressed our love and concern, and asked him to come home. He assured us he was fine and that nothing was wrong and that he felt great. I know that before he left I had the strangest feeling I wouldn't ever see him again in this life. I was so scared my feelings were going to become a reality.  We all made sure we talked to him a lot and he was to come home and see Landon (my baby, at the time, be blessed)
        Landon was to either to be named after Jesse or Kirt's Dad, James. Jesse knew this and was so excited about the possibility. A week before he went missing we decided on James and not Jesse. Wow. How much I wish I could change things. Landon was meant to be Landon James. 2 years later I had my only blonde haired brown eyed boy and named him Beckham Jesse. My only regret is, Jesse was so excited that I thought he was "cool enough" to name one of my kids after him.  It just wasn't supposed to be Landon. All my boys have darker hair and blue, blue eyes. Becks has bleach blonde hair and chocolate brown eyes just like Jesse when he was little. He reminds me so much of him. I just love it. I only wish I could have told him myself and told him that he was cool enough to be named after.
    Jesse and I once had a conversation on suicide because a friend had committed suicide of ours and Jesse stated, "If I committed suicide, I would never let my family find me. That would be the worst thing to put you guys through." "Yea!" I agreed. Wow. I was so wrong. I wish I found him. I am jealous of everybody who gets a funeral. Not finding him is torture. NO funeral is no closure. I need that closure.
     Murder. This is such fun topics. I'm so glad you visited this blog. I bet you are so happy right now. You're not going to be depressed at all after you read any of this are you??? There will be better and happier blogs but I'm facing the hard ones first ok? so don't think I'm like this dark person who stews over this stuff cause I DON'T!!!
     Before Jesse left I had a dream that someone killed him and threw him off a bridge. I thought he was like in France or something. I woke up the next morning, called Jesse, and told him not to go wherever he was thinking because if he did he was going to die. Dramatic huh? Well he went anyways. But he called me one time and said, "I really thought I was going to die if I left niki." I didn't know if he meant he wanted to or he was just scared.
    Jesse carried all his cash with him and camped a lot. He got to be friends with some if the people back on the trail that lived off the land. These people were escaped convicts or people who just wanted to disappear for not so good reasons and you really shouldn't be friends with them. Jesse tends to trust the wrong people. On Kuwai deep past the kololau trail there is a tribe or colony of people who live off the land and sell drugs. There are crops that go for miles and the drug trade is crazy there. You can hike there. It is hard and very dangerous but you can essentially disappear there and live off the land and not get caught if you are wanted by the cops. (for the most part) So what I'm saying.....there are some dangerous people there. Jesse mentioned that he had hung out with them a few times and that they had totally nearly killed a guy in front of him because they felt like he was not bringing enough food to share and just taking food from them.
     When dad went over all the people over there knew Jesse carried a lot of cash with him. Also, where Jesse's campsite was found nearby is an ancient Indian burial ground. Obviously you cannot dig up anything there, it is protected by law. But you certainly can bury things there without people knowing. The night before we reported Jesse missing, Jenna and I had the same dream where Jesse was being beat up by 2 men and dragged off somewhere. That's what triggered us to report him missing. Obviously we hope this is all just paranoid thinking but when a loved one goes missing it is so hard to not think of these things.
   Cliffs---This is what may have just happened. Jesse went for a hike was looking at a beautiful sunrise and just got too close to an edge and just slipped. He may be in a better place and happy and looking down on us and happy we are all trying our best to move on.
    Jesse we love and adore you. I truly think you live on in Beckham. He looks just like you. I hope you are happy and safe wherever you are.  Love all of your family and friends. You are irreplaceable to us!!