Operation Day....Part #1

I've had two surgeries since the beginning of this year. One was elective and one was unexpected.

I have thought and thought about whether or not to post about these experiences and I have come to the conclusion, that each experience can either tear you down or wake you up and build you into a new and better person.

Each time I face a challenge, I face that choice. Let it tear me down, or let it let it build me up.

Challenge #1:   Elective surgery

I've been saying since I was 16 that I would get breast augmentation. So when the money was saved up I was the first one in line to the plastic surgeons door. I set a date and was ready to go!!!

I was so excited.

Now. I think all women's bodies are beautiful so to each their own opinion. For me, I thought my self esteem could use some help and this might do the trick.

I was nervous for the surgery but figured that was normal.

I waited and waited and waited.

Finally it was surgery day!

Here's where the story starts to twist. Here is where my challenge begins.

I get prepped for surgery, say goodbye to my husband, and last thing I remember thinking is, "Next time I wake up.......I will have boobs!"

Instead.......I woke to a nightmare.

The two figures in front of me were incredibly blurry.  Despite the disfigured people I saw in front of me, I could tell one was some kind of medical staff and the other, my husband.

I try with all my might to keep my eyes open, because I can hear them whispering to each other. My intuition kicked in and I could tell by the feeling in the room, something wasn't right.

"Should you tell her, or should I?" says a woman's voice.

"No. I can tell her." says kirt.

"Teeeeeeellllllll  mmmmmeeeeeee    wwwhhhhaaatttttt?????" I slowly slur.

They both turn. Not only surprised I am awake but that I am understanding what they have been talking about.

Kirt rushes to my side.

"Hey babe......You're awake! How are you feeling? What can I-----"

"Tell me what?!"  I interrupt him.

"Oh honey. You just woke up. Maybe--"

"Tell me what?!" I ask again.

Kirt hesitates for a moment and my heart sinks a little and I don't know why, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry niki.......it didn't work......."
 
I look down at my chest and it is wrapped and I feel pain. I am so confused. I try to sit up and am too weak. A single tear falls down my cheek and I say....

"What do you mean it didn't work?"

So Kirt began to explain.

It turns out that I have a severe, severe, severe connective tissue disorder. We knew I had a connective tissue disorder, we just didn't know how severe. Despite this knowledge, we all felt that plastic surgery would be ok for my body. The Surgeon proceeded with the surgery and as soon as he opened me up, to his surprise, I had slim to no connective tissue to work with. (Apparrently, if you have no connective tissue, there is nothing to hold the implant in place.)

When he made the incision, instead of having to cut through flesh and connective tissue to get through or close to the chest muscle, my chest just opened straight to the chest muscle. There was just no connective tissue to work with.

On top of that my blood vessel walls were so weak that every time he tried to move tissue out of the way to see if he could put the implant in, the blood vessels would rupture.

I was told the bleeding was very hard to control. The doctor faced a decision he had never had to face in his 20 years of practicing plastic surgery.

He cancelled the surgery.

He told me later how shocked he was at the situation he was faced with. But knew deep down inside my body could never handle those implants. He followed his gut.

He name is Dr, Rose. I would recommend him to anyone. He puts the patient first.

Meanwhile, I was in pure shock. "How could this happen? Is this some kind of crazy joke? I'm so confused."

In fact everyone in that clinic was shocked. My surgery was a first for all of them. And apparently my body was one big medical mystery to them. They had no idea how I was still able to function with how delicate my body is internally.

One Nurse came over to my bedside as I was still trying to process all of this new information and said, "I'm so sorry about all of this. This must be just aweful for you."

I smiled and nodded and thanked her for her concern.

She then stated, "Well, I'm guessing you don't have any children then, do you?"

"Actually yes, I have four children. Why?"

"Oh my gosh!" You should be dead by now!!! With the connective tissue disorder that you have you should've bled out with the first child you had. WOW! Someone's watching out for you, girl!"

Now I know she meant this in the kindest way possible, but, she scared the crap out of me.

This was too much to process all at once. I needed to sleep. Boobs or no boobs, a good check out of life for a few hours would do me some good.



And that is how Surgery #1 went. But the challenges I had to face were far from over....


Emotional Scarring

I felt so ugly.

I had not only had surgery and felt crappy, but,  I had just had a Failed boob job.

My failed boob job means=I get to heal just like someone who had an actual boob job and I have all the scars of an actual boob job, BUT, I DO NOT have the implants.

Now, I am sooooooo grateful for  my the way my "failed boob job" went. Because as far as failed boob jobs go, mine went pretty smoothly. It failed and I moved on. I've heard of other failed boob jobs who aren't so lucky. So I'll take what God blesses me with. It's just the emotional scarring that is hard to deal with.

I've always had a poor self image of myself. I wish I didn't. Even when I had a great body and no kids and ran 5 miles a day I still thought I could look better. Wow. If only I could rewind time:)

I thought this surgery would "fix" me.

Naked and me don't mix. I am sooooo self conscious. I HATE my husband seeing me naked. I thought this surgery would "fix" the way I feel about myself.

Instead, I just added more scars to my body. I cried for the first week straight.

Now this isn't going to be some cheesy inspirational "I found myself" story. Because I battle my self image everytime I look in the mirror. The first thought that comes to my mind is not positive. BUT.......I turn it into one.

The scars on my body are permanant. Slowly those scars on my body are getting lighter. I wake up each day and look at myself in the mirror and sadly, subconciously think those negative thoughts but always try to change then into a positive. As I have done this, I have noticed my perspective truly is changing.

I'm actually starting to believe I don't need fixing anymore.


(PART 1 Of 2)  Part 2 "Operation Day" Prolapse

Silence in Peace

I see shadows dancing across my face as the moon glistens upon the soft diamond snow. I am amazed at the deafening silence the wintery woods hold in their seemingly innocent stillness.

I am alone.

Exhale.

My breath, a cloud white mist, seems to be the trumpet of this quiet mountain.

The moon is my flashlight and reflects off of each crystal of snow that exists to be seen. The woods seem to be lit as far as the eye can see.

Midnight appears to be midday.

I smile.

Overwhelming silence brings to pass a deep warmth inside my heart.

I have found my silence in peace.

My peace in paradise.

My paradise within.

As my gaze circle's; each aspen appears to be perfectly spaced as if this forest had been planted by man and not naturally bloomed at random by god's great hand.

Inhale.

The crisp air fills my lungs entirely and I am alive. Filled with renewed energy and new sense of self.
My mind is clear as my eyes travel up to the moonlit sky.

Each star is like a  bright diamond that competes for your attention. Flashing at different moments as if screaming for you to look at only one, while wanting to look at them all as a whole.

Breathtaking.

I take a step towards the only place I can.

Forward.

No longer am I facing the past, but the here and now.

The present.

I am here in this space. Surrounded by such beauty. My heart is open......soft.

I have been reset.

I am ready.

Ready to face the world.

Ready to face my challenges.

Challenges come.

I'm ready for the fight.

Because I know I will win.

Because I took a moment,

Reset,

and found my silence in peace.

Malaysia Flight 370

First of all I hate the title of my post.

It really should be the names of all the people on Malaysia Flight 370. Not a plane and its' number. Each one of them deserves to be recognized, noticed, loved, and searched for till the end of time.

I wish I could tell you I know how you feel. But I don't. My brother went missing 6 years ago without a trace, and his absence consumed my every moment of living.

Every missing person case is different. Sadly, yours is one for the history books.

I haven't written anything about this because I, like I'm sure the entire world, have been in complete and total shock. How does a plane just disappear?

When the news of Jesse's (my brother), disappearance hit, I was so upset. So scared. So worried. A million different scenarios played out in my head and I nearly lost it right then and there.

"My brother is missing? WHAT?! YOU ARE LYING. This only happens in the movies, this is not real life. Wake up niki.......wake up!!!!"

I still have not waken from that nightmare.

I pray with every part of my heart you wake up from yours and news will come as soon as possible about your loved one.

Surround yourself with only the best of friends. Those who lift you up and keep your spirits high. No one should ever tell you how you should be feeling or how long you should be feeling a certain way.

 Because all in one day you can go from waking up and feeling like today is the day they will find them. Then the next hour you find yourself bargaining with god to do something.......ANYTHING, to get them back to you.

I remember the worst part about Jesse going missing was the anger. I was SO ANGRY! No one did enough. No one had any answers. I literally wanted to kill someone. (figuratively) "HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING???" Nothing was good enough. Nothing was fast enough. Nothing could calm me. I was a wreck! I fluctuated in between anger and bargaining a lot!

Then a few hours or a day might pass and I've found myself in denial about the entire thing. I have at one time convinced myself that Jesse is on an extended vacation and has just forgot to call for awhile. It helped me deal with the day, or so I thought.

I've even crept over to accepting that this just might be my situation and I may never know where my baby brother went missing to. But that road to acceptance is so incredibly hard to travel down. I am six years out and I still think I could still get answers. And it is ok to think that. Good friends don't crush hope, they support it.

Find good people to confide in. Get a good support system. They are your life line and you need them........YOU NEED THEM.

Before I talk about this next part, please know I am just as hopeful as anyone that your loved one is alive and well and soon this night mare soon will be over. I pray everyday that this is all some crazy misunderstanding and they are safe somewhere and everything is fine. I have so much love and hope for you all and I wish only the best for your families!

You might or might not have found by now that your head kind of spins in a little circle.

This constant cycle is what I call "The Circle of Grief" instead of the "Cycle of Grief".  There just seems to be no end to your mourning because there is no closure. Instead of just going through the grieving process like normal people, we keep doing circles because we have no closure. Without closure, it is very difficult to move on. But not impossible.

This grief I am talking about has an actual dictionary name as well........it is called Ambiguous Loss: or Frozen Grief.  I've written  2 entire posts about it if you want to know more about it. I also have some references to some books that were quite helpful to me as well. The post is called Ambiguous Loss: Frozen Grief.

My heart goes out to all of you that has lost a loved one. I loved and still love my brother very much. The people who are currently looking for their loved ones from Malaysia Flight 370, You are incredible. I am sick to my stomach that this could even happen in the world today. It shouldn't be possible. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.

My blog gets 100 to 150 hits a day. If anyone wants their loved ones story told, please let me know and I would love to post it, and help get your story out there.

Love to all of you out there who are struggling or in need of comfort this night. I wish you all my love and truly hope tomorrow brings sunshine and warmth to your day.

New Normals

I constantly find myself resetting. Finding new normals each day, each week, maybe even each minute.                                                                                                                                        

But what is  normal? Some idea I've made up in my head as the perfect way life
should be lived? Because, for some reason my idea of normal always makes me end up falling short of my own expectations. And to this day, I don't even know what I expect from myself.

I'm sitting here in the hospital next to my baby little boy. He has just had an MRI of his brain to try and see why he keeps having so many headaches each and every day.

"I am fine." I keep telling myself. "This situation is just fine. Everyone goes through difficult times. Maybe this will be one of them."

But the constant beeping was going to drive me insane!! Every few seconds a beep, beep, beep, beep.......

Beckham had been sedated for the MRI. So, he had to stay awhile and be hooked up to a monitor at the hospital to ensure his safety. At the same time, the little beeping gave some sort of comfort. It was telling me my son was breathing and his cute little heart was beating.

That didn't stop me from having thoughts of throwing it across the room in hopes to hear it shatter in to a thousands pieces...........

"OK, maybeeeee...............I'm not fine. Maybe I am a little freaked out that it has come this far to figure out why my son is having headaches."

I don't know about you, but I am a freaking psycho when it comes to my kids and what "could" be wrong with them.

For instance, if my child suddenly got some crazy rash, all the worst scenarios play out in my head immediately.

"It's chicken pox for sure. Wait! What if its the measles? It's the plague. I just know it. It's the plague."

OK, maybe not that extreme as the plague. But you get the point. Plus, I'm not an idiot.......most of the time:)

It seemed like an eternity, but little becks woke up, acted a little drunk, and was just fine.

The Radiologist came in, which has never happened in my life. They usually look at your images and send them to your doctor and then you get the results. He informed us that everything looked normal for Beckham.

I didn't realize it but my entire body had been flexed. When he said those words, I felt my entire body relax.

Life is constantly changing. We have to adapt to each change as they come. Good or bad. Whether it is going back to school, a new job, a loved one sent off to war, a new baby, the loss of a loved one, moving.........all kinds of different things.

They cause us at first to be unbalanced. A power struggle. Seeking your new normal. But here is what I have realized while trying to have a perfect house, with a perfect schedule, and a perfect smile to go with it.

It's crap.

Life is not normal. So if you are seeking it, stop. Life is full of beauty and mystery. It changes daily. Just like the whether is, so are our lives. Full of light and warmth. Our thunder storms come unexpectedly and can last longer than we would like. But through the storm always comes the light.

Expect the unexpected. You are your new normal. Love who you are today not who you will be tomorrow.

I'm so grateful baby Becks is in the clear. Thank you for all the prayers. Most of all thank you God for giving me the blessing of a healthy baby boy.