I believe there are certain people we are just meant to meet in our lifetime. I believe people are in our lives for a reason. I have found that even from your worst enemy you can learn your greatest lesson. Sarah is not an enemy, she is a person everyone wants to be around. Her laugh is contagious and if you know her you adore her. She is one of those friends that you find even if you loose touch, she'd be there for you in a heartbeat if you needed anything.
This christmas I was so excited. One of my best friends from college had been trying to contact me through facebook. I used to rarely check it and so it was by pure chance I found her message to me in my spam inbox. We had lost touch after our time spent at the dorms due to both of us getting married and having babies close to a year after that. Life got busy and we forgot each others new last name. We both hate computers because they are smarter than us so being on facebook didn't happen until way later. (my friend signed up for me.)
I eagerly read her message and was so glad to hear she was happy. In her message she wrote she remembered us staying up at night talking about boys and laughing until we couldn't breathe. She also said she remembered us talking about our hopes and dreams of what life was going to be like after college. The last line to her message melted my heart, "I hope your life turned out just how you dreamed it would be." I laughed as well. Life was unexpected and full of twist and turns. It definetely had not turned out how I dreamed it would be but I wouldn't change a thing about it. I have learned so much.
I sat down to write her back and contemplated whether or not to tell her about my brother or just lie and simply say, "Yes. Life is perfect. I am happy. How are you?" Well I am telling you it is a great thing I decided to be honest. This girl was my best friend in college. She knew me so well. I know she would want to know the real answer not the superficial one.
I wrote her a long happy letter stating how life was good and updated her on the family. At the very end I simply stated, "the only thing that I am struggling with is my missing brother, but that is getting better. He is still missing in hawaii. We should talk sometime:)" and that was basically it.
I got a message back fairly quickly after that. Our lives were meant to cross......her brother had also gone missing. I was so grateful I had been honest in my response.
I won't go into too much detail but the story is incredible. I love that I now have someone to relate to. Even though we wish for each other that this did not happen. It has been comforting to talk to her.
Her brother was later found dead and held over seas until they paid a huge amount of money to just get the body back. She will be writing the story and posting it here on my blog for those of you who want to read the story.
She will also be posting about how her family is dealing with the loss and how you can help those who have lost a loved one due to going missing. I am so sorry for her family and their loss. I hope by talking about it, it can start to help heal the wounds that they feel. Good luck sarah!! I love you to death!!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Who am I, Help the missing
My name is niki. The picture on the home page is a picture of my brothers. I wanted everyone who saw the blog to see his face and not mine. Since I am so new to technology.....that is the only way so far I have figured out how to do it. Don't laugh. I hate computers and phones and that they come out with "new" stuff all the time. I just can't keep up. I have been avoiding learning how to use the computer my entire life, I know all my friends phone numbers by heart, and I like to talk not text. SO sorry that I don't run with the cool crowd anymore.
I am 30 years old and have 4 kids. I love them more than anything and they make my life so worth living. They give me an excuse to still play in the water fountains, play those stupid puppet arcade claw games, and not act like an adult. I love it. Plus I get to love them. Which is my favorite part. I am married to my best best friend, Kirt. He has seen me through everything and loved me unconditionally. He is more than I wished, dreamed, and ever hoped for. I truly love him with all my heart.
I love running, camping, hiking, swimming, etc. basically anything you do outdoors I love. I love to cook. Hate to clean.
I am all for women being mothers but my mother got divorced and had to raise 7 kids and go back to work so I'm all about getting an education too. No offense to mothers who don't have an education, I am just a little paranoid with life. I've just learned life doesn't always go as you thought it would so back up plans are a good thing. If something happened to kirt I could take care of my kids. I am a nurse and work for professional case management. It is a hospice homecare that specializes in nuclear and uranium poisoning. I love my job. I love that I got and education. It is something I have never regretted doing.
I am trying to start a non-profit organization for missing children AND adults. When adults go missing the response time is so slow because adults have the right to go missing. I have heard way too many stories about how many people wish the time window shorter. If it had been they may have been able to save their loved one. I have 2 people I am in contact with right now and are writing their stories of their missing loved one, and how they are dealing with their struggle. One found their loved one after about 2 weeks of being missing. The other still has not. Please keep checking for updates on these people. They have been featured on CNN and their stories are next to unbelievable.
This site was made and intended for people to come and see how people deal with missing loved ones. There are so many missing people out there and so few helpful tips in dealing with the pain these people feel. I hope this site helps someone somewhere. Help me, help others. Refer this site to a friend. We need more people speaking out about this subject. How do you deal with the pain of the unknown???
I am 30 years old and have 4 kids. I love them more than anything and they make my life so worth living. They give me an excuse to still play in the water fountains, play those stupid puppet arcade claw games, and not act like an adult. I love it. Plus I get to love them. Which is my favorite part. I am married to my best best friend, Kirt. He has seen me through everything and loved me unconditionally. He is more than I wished, dreamed, and ever hoped for. I truly love him with all my heart.
I love running, camping, hiking, swimming, etc. basically anything you do outdoors I love. I love to cook. Hate to clean.
I am all for women being mothers but my mother got divorced and had to raise 7 kids and go back to work so I'm all about getting an education too. No offense to mothers who don't have an education, I am just a little paranoid with life. I've just learned life doesn't always go as you thought it would so back up plans are a good thing. If something happened to kirt I could take care of my kids. I am a nurse and work for professional case management. It is a hospice homecare that specializes in nuclear and uranium poisoning. I love my job. I love that I got and education. It is something I have never regretted doing.
I am trying to start a non-profit organization for missing children AND adults. When adults go missing the response time is so slow because adults have the right to go missing. I have heard way too many stories about how many people wish the time window shorter. If it had been they may have been able to save their loved one. I have 2 people I am in contact with right now and are writing their stories of their missing loved one, and how they are dealing with their struggle. One found their loved one after about 2 weeks of being missing. The other still has not. Please keep checking for updates on these people. They have been featured on CNN and their stories are next to unbelievable.
This site was made and intended for people to come and see how people deal with missing loved ones. There are so many missing people out there and so few helpful tips in dealing with the pain these people feel. I hope this site helps someone somewhere. Help me, help others. Refer this site to a friend. We need more people speaking out about this subject. How do you deal with the pain of the unknown???
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Cliffs, Suicide, Runaway, Murder
My new years resolution this year, for once, was not to loose weight, it was to face my demons. This is my biggest one. The question, What do you think happened? So lets dive in. This is completely bluntly honest. Do not read if you do not want to think about this. Reality is, it doesn't matter what happened. All that matters is that I know I will see him again. I know I love Jesse. I know Jesse loves me. I know life is what you make of it, not what it throws at you.
OK.....we have thought it, so lets just say it. Do we think he committed suicide??? Honestly? Maybe. Possibilities are endless. Cliffs are everywhere in Kuwai. So many people go hiking and go missing all the time on that trail. (Kololoa Trail) But if you ever do have the chance to go hiking on this trail I hear it is one of the most spectacular beauties of this world. Could he have runaway and just wanted to stay hidden and not call us for five years? Highly unlikely. Although, sadly, this is a hope/anger we hold on to. Jesse loved talking to his family and friends and never went a day or two in Hawaii without calling us. His best friend Mike, was called a lot as well. Jesse spoke very highly of him and said he never had a better friend than him. Thank you Mike for all you did for him. As for Murder? Yes. This is our worst fear. SO the three most likely: Cliffs, Suicide, or Murder.
Lets start with the hard ones and end with the one we hope happened. (Cliffs.)
Suicide. We know now Jesse struggled severely with depression from a very young age. Jesse was hilarious. The life of the party. Hind sight is always 20/20. I remember little comments here and there, but he was so funny about it, I always thought he was joking. Jesse had severe insomnia and rarely slept. We had a physically and verbally abusive father. I truly believe my father did his best and don't want to make my brothers disappearance harder on him than it already has been so that is all I will say on that. I do know his depression stems from that though. Jesse never liked to disappoint anyone and when he did he took it very hard. He was very hard on himself. From what friends and past girl friends have said, he didn't like himself very much. This breaks my heart because if you knew him you wanted to be his friend. I know if he ever hurt anyone's feelings he hated himself for it, and seemed to never forgive himself for it. He lost a friend in high school over a comment he made and never fully recovered after that due to how guilty he felt. A perfectionist to a terrible fault. You would never have guessed it. His depression was very real and very deep. I have noticed girls have a hard time talking about it but guys almost never talk about it. It's like they are not allowed to be depressed or something. Guys....you've gotta talk. We need you around. I'm sure Jesse just didn't think guys were meant to be depressed. Girls have kids and emotions, guys are taught to be tough and examples. People for others to lean on. Well, I'm sure my brother needed someone to lean on. I say to you guys, it is ok to be depressed. If it is ok that I get depressed than it is ok you get depressed. Express yourself. Nothing is hotter than when my husband actually lets me do something for him. He acts like he can't mess up. I say that is way too much pressure for you guys to keep up. I would have snapped a long time ago. Help each other. Fight together, not alone.
After he went to Hawaii his ex-girlfriend called us and expressed to us that she was extremely worried about him. My sister Jenna met with her and was told that Jesse had already attempted suicide at least 3 times already and that she was worried that Jesse would try again in Hawaii. We all freaked out and called Jesse to see how he was doing, expressed our love and concern, and asked him to come home. He assured us he was fine and that nothing was wrong and that he felt great. I know that before he left I had the strangest feeling I wouldn't ever see him again in this life. I was so scared my feelings were going to become a reality. We all made sure we talked to him a lot and he was to come home and see Landon (my baby, at the time, be blessed)
Landon was to either to be named after Jesse or Kirt's Dad, James. Jesse knew this and was so excited about the possibility. A week before he went missing we decided on James and not Jesse. Wow. How much I wish I could change things. Landon was meant to be Landon James. 2 years later I had my only blonde haired brown eyed boy and named him Beckham Jesse. My only regret is, Jesse was so excited that I thought he was "cool enough" to name one of my kids after him. It just wasn't supposed to be Landon. All my boys have darker hair and blue, blue eyes. Becks has bleach blonde hair and chocolate brown eyes just like Jesse when he was little. He reminds me so much of him. I just love it. I only wish I could have told him myself and told him that he was cool enough to be named after.
Jesse and I once had a conversation on suicide because a friend had committed suicide of ours and Jesse stated, "If I committed suicide, I would never let my family find me. That would be the worst thing to put you guys through." "Yea!" I agreed. Wow. I was so wrong. I wish I found him. I am jealous of everybody who gets a funeral. Not finding him is torture. NO funeral is no closure. I need that closure.
Murder. This is such fun topics. I'm so glad you visited this blog. I bet you are so happy right now. You're not going to be depressed at all after you read any of this are you??? There will be better and happier blogs but I'm facing the hard ones first ok? so don't think I'm like this dark person who stews over this stuff cause I DON'T!!!
Before Jesse left I had a dream that someone killed him and threw him off a bridge. I thought he was like in France or something. I woke up the next morning, called Jesse, and told him not to go wherever he was thinking because if he did he was going to die. Dramatic huh? Well he went anyways. But he called me one time and said, "I really thought I was going to die if I left niki." I didn't know if he meant he wanted to or he was just scared.
Jesse carried all his cash with him and camped a lot. He got to be friends with some if the people back on the trail that lived off the land. These people were escaped convicts or people who just wanted to disappear for not so good reasons and you really shouldn't be friends with them. Jesse tends to trust the wrong people. On Kuwai deep past the kololau trail there is a tribe or colony of people who live off the land and sell drugs. There are crops that go for miles and the drug trade is crazy there. You can hike there. It is hard and very dangerous but you can essentially disappear there and live off the land and not get caught if you are wanted by the cops. (for the most part) So what I'm saying.....there are some dangerous people there. Jesse mentioned that he had hung out with them a few times and that they had totally nearly killed a guy in front of him because they felt like he was not bringing enough food to share and just taking food from them.
When dad went over all the people over there knew Jesse carried a lot of cash with him. Also, where Jesse's campsite was found nearby is an ancient Indian burial ground. Obviously you cannot dig up anything there, it is protected by law. But you certainly can bury things there without people knowing. The night before we reported Jesse missing, Jenna and I had the same dream where Jesse was being beat up by 2 men and dragged off somewhere. That's what triggered us to report him missing. Obviously we hope this is all just paranoid thinking but when a loved one goes missing it is so hard to not think of these things.
Cliffs---This is what may have just happened. Jesse went for a hike was looking at a beautiful sunrise and just got too close to an edge and just slipped. He may be in a better place and happy and looking down on us and happy we are all trying our best to move on.
Jesse we love and adore you. I truly think you live on in Beckham. He looks just like you. I hope you are happy and safe wherever you are. Love all of your family and friends. You are irreplaceable to us!!
OK.....we have thought it, so lets just say it. Do we think he committed suicide??? Honestly? Maybe. Possibilities are endless. Cliffs are everywhere in Kuwai. So many people go hiking and go missing all the time on that trail. (Kololoa Trail) But if you ever do have the chance to go hiking on this trail I hear it is one of the most spectacular beauties of this world. Could he have runaway and just wanted to stay hidden and not call us for five years? Highly unlikely. Although, sadly, this is a hope/anger we hold on to. Jesse loved talking to his family and friends and never went a day or two in Hawaii without calling us. His best friend Mike, was called a lot as well. Jesse spoke very highly of him and said he never had a better friend than him. Thank you Mike for all you did for him. As for Murder? Yes. This is our worst fear. SO the three most likely: Cliffs, Suicide, or Murder.
Lets start with the hard ones and end with the one we hope happened. (Cliffs.)
Suicide. We know now Jesse struggled severely with depression from a very young age. Jesse was hilarious. The life of the party. Hind sight is always 20/20. I remember little comments here and there, but he was so funny about it, I always thought he was joking. Jesse had severe insomnia and rarely slept. We had a physically and verbally abusive father. I truly believe my father did his best and don't want to make my brothers disappearance harder on him than it already has been so that is all I will say on that. I do know his depression stems from that though. Jesse never liked to disappoint anyone and when he did he took it very hard. He was very hard on himself. From what friends and past girl friends have said, he didn't like himself very much. This breaks my heart because if you knew him you wanted to be his friend. I know if he ever hurt anyone's feelings he hated himself for it, and seemed to never forgive himself for it. He lost a friend in high school over a comment he made and never fully recovered after that due to how guilty he felt. A perfectionist to a terrible fault. You would never have guessed it. His depression was very real and very deep. I have noticed girls have a hard time talking about it but guys almost never talk about it. It's like they are not allowed to be depressed or something. Guys....you've gotta talk. We need you around. I'm sure Jesse just didn't think guys were meant to be depressed. Girls have kids and emotions, guys are taught to be tough and examples. People for others to lean on. Well, I'm sure my brother needed someone to lean on. I say to you guys, it is ok to be depressed. If it is ok that I get depressed than it is ok you get depressed. Express yourself. Nothing is hotter than when my husband actually lets me do something for him. He acts like he can't mess up. I say that is way too much pressure for you guys to keep up. I would have snapped a long time ago. Help each other. Fight together, not alone.
After he went to Hawaii his ex-girlfriend called us and expressed to us that she was extremely worried about him. My sister Jenna met with her and was told that Jesse had already attempted suicide at least 3 times already and that she was worried that Jesse would try again in Hawaii. We all freaked out and called Jesse to see how he was doing, expressed our love and concern, and asked him to come home. He assured us he was fine and that nothing was wrong and that he felt great. I know that before he left I had the strangest feeling I wouldn't ever see him again in this life. I was so scared my feelings were going to become a reality. We all made sure we talked to him a lot and he was to come home and see Landon (my baby, at the time, be blessed)
Landon was to either to be named after Jesse or Kirt's Dad, James. Jesse knew this and was so excited about the possibility. A week before he went missing we decided on James and not Jesse. Wow. How much I wish I could change things. Landon was meant to be Landon James. 2 years later I had my only blonde haired brown eyed boy and named him Beckham Jesse. My only regret is, Jesse was so excited that I thought he was "cool enough" to name one of my kids after him. It just wasn't supposed to be Landon. All my boys have darker hair and blue, blue eyes. Becks has bleach blonde hair and chocolate brown eyes just like Jesse when he was little. He reminds me so much of him. I just love it. I only wish I could have told him myself and told him that he was cool enough to be named after.
Jesse and I once had a conversation on suicide because a friend had committed suicide of ours and Jesse stated, "If I committed suicide, I would never let my family find me. That would be the worst thing to put you guys through." "Yea!" I agreed. Wow. I was so wrong. I wish I found him. I am jealous of everybody who gets a funeral. Not finding him is torture. NO funeral is no closure. I need that closure.
Murder. This is such fun topics. I'm so glad you visited this blog. I bet you are so happy right now. You're not going to be depressed at all after you read any of this are you??? There will be better and happier blogs but I'm facing the hard ones first ok? so don't think I'm like this dark person who stews over this stuff cause I DON'T!!!
Before Jesse left I had a dream that someone killed him and threw him off a bridge. I thought he was like in France or something. I woke up the next morning, called Jesse, and told him not to go wherever he was thinking because if he did he was going to die. Dramatic huh? Well he went anyways. But he called me one time and said, "I really thought I was going to die if I left niki." I didn't know if he meant he wanted to or he was just scared.
Jesse carried all his cash with him and camped a lot. He got to be friends with some if the people back on the trail that lived off the land. These people were escaped convicts or people who just wanted to disappear for not so good reasons and you really shouldn't be friends with them. Jesse tends to trust the wrong people. On Kuwai deep past the kololau trail there is a tribe or colony of people who live off the land and sell drugs. There are crops that go for miles and the drug trade is crazy there. You can hike there. It is hard and very dangerous but you can essentially disappear there and live off the land and not get caught if you are wanted by the cops. (for the most part) So what I'm saying.....there are some dangerous people there. Jesse mentioned that he had hung out with them a few times and that they had totally nearly killed a guy in front of him because they felt like he was not bringing enough food to share and just taking food from them.
When dad went over all the people over there knew Jesse carried a lot of cash with him. Also, where Jesse's campsite was found nearby is an ancient Indian burial ground. Obviously you cannot dig up anything there, it is protected by law. But you certainly can bury things there without people knowing. The night before we reported Jesse missing, Jenna and I had the same dream where Jesse was being beat up by 2 men and dragged off somewhere. That's what triggered us to report him missing. Obviously we hope this is all just paranoid thinking but when a loved one goes missing it is so hard to not think of these things.
Cliffs---This is what may have just happened. Jesse went for a hike was looking at a beautiful sunrise and just got too close to an edge and just slipped. He may be in a better place and happy and looking down on us and happy we are all trying our best to move on.
Jesse we love and adore you. I truly think you live on in Beckham. He looks just like you. I hope you are happy and safe wherever you are. Love all of your family and friends. You are irreplaceable to us!!
Monday, January 14, 2013
Watch "The Beach"
OK----so I never recommend movies ever, especially over the web, because I would be so worried about what you would think But on this one I totally don't care about what you think. This movie was filmed in kuwai, hawaii and parts were filmed on the kololoua trail. Jesse went missing while they filmed this movie. I'm not thinking of any conspiracy there. All I'm thinking is, is that if you watch the movie it is crazy what goes on deep in kuwai. People go there to disappear. (ex-convicts, etc.) You can live off the land the rest of your life and the drug trade is unstoppable.
Jesse would call and tell me all the crops they would grow deep in kuwai and that they would stretch for miles and miles. When they were ready they would send them off on ships to different parts of the world. No one seemed to notice.
Anyways Jesse said he talked to these film guys and they said that they were trying to do a movie on just that. The drug trade in Kuwaii.
So do me a favor and watch "The Beach". It's not just a movie, it's got a whole lot of truth to it.
I will warn you, it is rated R and has really bad language. Don't watch if you can't handle that.
Jesse would call and tell me all the crops they would grow deep in kuwai and that they would stretch for miles and miles. When they were ready they would send them off on ships to different parts of the world. No one seemed to notice.
Anyways Jesse said he talked to these film guys and they said that they were trying to do a movie on just that. The drug trade in Kuwaii.
So do me a favor and watch "The Beach". It's not just a movie, it's got a whole lot of truth to it.
I will warn you, it is rated R and has really bad language. Don't watch if you can't handle that.
Memories of Jesse
This is a place where I encourage all who knew Jesse to write about him and what they remember about him. Funny stories, crazy moments, wild adventures, or touching moments. Please no holding back. We all know he was crazy. His love for life is what we love whether or not he was wrong or right he always made us laugh.
My story is about how he tricked my dad into stealing the church piano. Now before everyone gets all mad about this, please try to find the humor in it too. My Dad is a super religious man and Jesse was just Jesse. He got an idea in his head and just went with it. That was one of the things I loved most about him. He was unpredictable. If my Dad knew he did this he would be shocked and feel really bad. Jesse was so good at tricking you into doing things you would never do on a normal basis. He just had a charm about him that is so hard to resist.
Jesse's friend mike told me this story and now I am telling you so I hope I get everything right....
One summer night Jesse's best friend mike got a phone call from Jesse. "hello?" mike said. Jesse sounded eagar on the phone, "Hey mike, I need your help." there was a slight pause. "Ok" said mike, "What do you need?". Jesse's answer sounded a little rushed, "I just got this really nice piano and I need help moving it." Mike thought for a minute and said, "Do I hear foot steps? Are you running???" Jesse replied, "Yes. That is why I need your help. I need help lifting the piano up into my truck." Mike was so confused. "Why are you running with a piano, in the middle of the night, in the middle of the street?" Jesse was reluctant to answer but figured Mike wouldn't care about the answer and said, "I stole my Dad's church keys and got this awesome piano." this time there was a very long pause. "whoaaa! Dude. I'll do a lot of things but if there's one thing I won't do, its mess with `God. No. You're on your own on this one man, sorry." Jesse was shocked. "What? seriously?" but no matter what Jesse said Mike wouldn't budge.
Jesse was living in my Dad's basement apartment then and so when he got the piano to the truck Dad just happened to be outside locking things up. Dad was impressed with Jesse's purchase and offered to help him load it into the truck. Jesse smiled and said, "Sure Dad. Thanks".
And that is how dad helped steal the church piano. Of course he had no idea, but it's a great story. I laugh every time I see a piano. He loved to play. He was so good at playing the piano.
I smile at the memories we have of him and hate that they seem a lifetime ago. Make great memories with those you have around you. Enjoy life. Jesse lived life to its fullest and so should we. It is never moving on because those memories move with you. It is simply moving forward not backward. They are with us always, we carry them in our hearts. All the love I have I'm sending to you little brother.
My story is about how he tricked my dad into stealing the church piano. Now before everyone gets all mad about this, please try to find the humor in it too. My Dad is a super religious man and Jesse was just Jesse. He got an idea in his head and just went with it. That was one of the things I loved most about him. He was unpredictable. If my Dad knew he did this he would be shocked and feel really bad. Jesse was so good at tricking you into doing things you would never do on a normal basis. He just had a charm about him that is so hard to resist.
Jesse's friend mike told me this story and now I am telling you so I hope I get everything right....
One summer night Jesse's best friend mike got a phone call from Jesse. "hello?" mike said. Jesse sounded eagar on the phone, "Hey mike, I need your help." there was a slight pause. "Ok" said mike, "What do you need?". Jesse's answer sounded a little rushed, "I just got this really nice piano and I need help moving it." Mike thought for a minute and said, "Do I hear foot steps? Are you running???" Jesse replied, "Yes. That is why I need your help. I need help lifting the piano up into my truck." Mike was so confused. "Why are you running with a piano, in the middle of the night, in the middle of the street?" Jesse was reluctant to answer but figured Mike wouldn't care about the answer and said, "I stole my Dad's church keys and got this awesome piano." this time there was a very long pause. "whoaaa! Dude. I'll do a lot of things but if there's one thing I won't do, its mess with `God. No. You're on your own on this one man, sorry." Jesse was shocked. "What? seriously?" but no matter what Jesse said Mike wouldn't budge.
Jesse was living in my Dad's basement apartment then and so when he got the piano to the truck Dad just happened to be outside locking things up. Dad was impressed with Jesse's purchase and offered to help him load it into the truck. Jesse smiled and said, "Sure Dad. Thanks".
And that is how dad helped steal the church piano. Of course he had no idea, but it's a great story. I laugh every time I see a piano. He loved to play. He was so good at playing the piano.
I smile at the memories we have of him and hate that they seem a lifetime ago. Make great memories with those you have around you. Enjoy life. Jesse lived life to its fullest and so should we. It is never moving on because those memories move with you. It is simply moving forward not backward. They are with us always, we carry them in our hearts. All the love I have I'm sending to you little brother.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Circle of grief????
This is one of my first blogs. This is before I had even heard what ambiguous loss was. This was just my thoughts were on what someone goes through when someone goes missing.
My opinion my not be the same as others. That is why it is called my opinion. But, it is my opinion that when a loved one goes missing, the person left behind worrying goes through the stages of grief almost daily. If you have never had a loved one go missing this might sound a little strange.
In self help books and school I learned the stages of grief and the process people go through when a loved one dies. First there is Denial, then anger, next is bargaining, then comes depression, and finally acceptance. When someone goes missing the "grief process" goes out the window.
When Jesse first went missing, I was in complete denial. I told myself there was no way this was happening and that this only happened in the movies. This could not be real life. When reality settled in, I was mad. Actually I was furious. I felt like Jesse was out there missing and I was angry at everyone. I wanted everyone to stop what they were doing and find him. That's when I started bargaining. I was desperate. I was ready and willing to do anything to get him back. I needed him back. I felt like it was pouring rain and I couldn't even see in front of me. Then it began to hail and I became so confused and disoriented. I felt like I was spinning. I spun so fast. Too fast. It was blurry and I was so sick. But I never accepted him as dead. So the cycle continued. Too often I would find myself in the darkest part of our house sitting in the corner staring at the wall. Jesse went missing in March. I noticed that that is what I did all day every day on July 30th. My poor husband and family had no idea what to do with me. I remember nothing of that time. All I remember is complete and total darkness.
The reason I remembered it was July 30th was because that was the last day I could reply to accept my invitation into the nursing program. I was in shock. How did that much time pass and I not even realize it?? I was like a robot all summer. I had 3 kids, ages 3 1/2, 1 1/2, and newborn. I get post pardum depression really after each baby. So Jesse going missing right after I had my son nearly killed me. But that is another story. Everyday was the same; get up, feed kids, dress kids, snacks, let them play, sit stare, feed lunch, let them play, Kirt would come home and I disappeared. Again, this is what people tell me. I remember nothing of that time.
I decided to go to nursing school and that was the best thing for me. It occupied my mind. It saved me from the deathly silence. No news from Jesse's missing person's case was so painful. dreams of people hurting him would fill my mind. School helped that.
So why do I call it a circle of grief and not the stages of grief. That is a good question. In one day I can go through all the stages of grief and never come to acceptance. First I will just be comfortable being in denial about the entire thing. At noon I'm just angry that I'm in this situation at all. Then at night, I'd be bargaining with god to trade places with my brother. Asking "God would someone just solve this puzzle please!!! I'm going crazy". But I have almost come to accept it. Lots of people will say it's been five years, don't you think he is dead?" and I will stop and think for a minute and I will say "Yes. I believe he is dead. But there is that .1111111% chance that my baby brother is alive. So I never give up hope." and that's ok. As long as I am living my best life and to it's fullest potential I'm ok with thinking that way.
Sadly I do still ride the circle of grief train. I have been able to get off but sometimes get back on. It is a hard, hard, struggle to go through and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it. But I do believe It is wrong to do go through it alone. You need a support group. Let me be your friend if you need help whether you have a loved one missing or are depressed. Please this world is so hard. Find someone to talk to. I have no shame. I've got a therapist, and am on medication. Depression is real. PLEASE FIGHT IT!!!! niki
My opinion my not be the same as others. That is why it is called my opinion. But, it is my opinion that when a loved one goes missing, the person left behind worrying goes through the stages of grief almost daily. If you have never had a loved one go missing this might sound a little strange.
In self help books and school I learned the stages of grief and the process people go through when a loved one dies. First there is Denial, then anger, next is bargaining, then comes depression, and finally acceptance. When someone goes missing the "grief process" goes out the window.
When Jesse first went missing, I was in complete denial. I told myself there was no way this was happening and that this only happened in the movies. This could not be real life. When reality settled in, I was mad. Actually I was furious. I felt like Jesse was out there missing and I was angry at everyone. I wanted everyone to stop what they were doing and find him. That's when I started bargaining. I was desperate. I was ready and willing to do anything to get him back. I needed him back. I felt like it was pouring rain and I couldn't even see in front of me. Then it began to hail and I became so confused and disoriented. I felt like I was spinning. I spun so fast. Too fast. It was blurry and I was so sick. But I never accepted him as dead. So the cycle continued. Too often I would find myself in the darkest part of our house sitting in the corner staring at the wall. Jesse went missing in March. I noticed that that is what I did all day every day on July 30th. My poor husband and family had no idea what to do with me. I remember nothing of that time. All I remember is complete and total darkness.
The reason I remembered it was July 30th was because that was the last day I could reply to accept my invitation into the nursing program. I was in shock. How did that much time pass and I not even realize it?? I was like a robot all summer. I had 3 kids, ages 3 1/2, 1 1/2, and newborn. I get post pardum depression really after each baby. So Jesse going missing right after I had my son nearly killed me. But that is another story. Everyday was the same; get up, feed kids, dress kids, snacks, let them play, sit stare, feed lunch, let them play, Kirt would come home and I disappeared. Again, this is what people tell me. I remember nothing of that time.
I decided to go to nursing school and that was the best thing for me. It occupied my mind. It saved me from the deathly silence. No news from Jesse's missing person's case was so painful. dreams of people hurting him would fill my mind. School helped that.
So why do I call it a circle of grief and not the stages of grief. That is a good question. In one day I can go through all the stages of grief and never come to acceptance. First I will just be comfortable being in denial about the entire thing. At noon I'm just angry that I'm in this situation at all. Then at night, I'd be bargaining with god to trade places with my brother. Asking "God would someone just solve this puzzle please!!! I'm going crazy". But I have almost come to accept it. Lots of people will say it's been five years, don't you think he is dead?" and I will stop and think for a minute and I will say "Yes. I believe he is dead. But there is that .1111111% chance that my baby brother is alive. So I never give up hope." and that's ok. As long as I am living my best life and to it's fullest potential I'm ok with thinking that way.
Sadly I do still ride the circle of grief train. I have been able to get off but sometimes get back on. It is a hard, hard, struggle to go through and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it. But I do believe It is wrong to do go through it alone. You need a support group. Let me be your friend if you need help whether you have a loved one missing or are depressed. Please this world is so hard. Find someone to talk to. I have no shame. I've got a therapist, and am on medication. Depression is real. PLEASE FIGHT IT!!!! niki
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)