Increased anxiety about this memorial fills me up inside. Is this going to feel like closure? I have no idea. I've never talked to anyone who's done a memorial. I've never talked to someone who had a "funeral" with out an actual body. I'm just grateful we get to do one for my baby brother Jesse.
The invites have been passed out! The plans are in place. I hope this memorial brings peace to all those who have suffered the ache of Jesse's absence.
To anyone who has a missing loved one, my heart goes out to you. The confusion of a memorial, such as this, is hard to take in. Mixed feelings feel me up inside.
Will I never know what happened to Jesse? Will I find peace if I never know? I am nauseous just thinking about the day of his memorial.
As I have said before, some of this blog is about how me and my family have coped with dissappearance of my brother. My hope is to let anyone out there who has a missing loved one, that there are others out there just like you.
My emotions are happy and content at this very moment. I hope that it stays that way forever. But I know there will be the waves of anger and worry that can creep up inside me. This challenge is a roller coaster of emotions that I wish would shut off.
As of today, my family is doing quite well. I worry for my mother. Her grief is unimaginable.
Some in the family are ready and want to do the memorial. Others are not. At what point do you have a memorial for a missing person? I wish I had a rule book, or a set of guide lines to follow.
Plans are in place. A light dinner with each family member set to share something about Jesse. Family all around celebrating a life we all treasured.
I wonder how everyone else feels. I'm scared to face this day. It is a strange anticipation. Eager to get it over with but at the same time, never wanting the day to come.
But---at the same time, so excited to be able to talk about my brother. I miss talking about him. For many, the subject is off limits or extremely awkward. What do you say to someone who has a missing loved one? Most are shocked at the news and change the subject.
How grateful I am for a night of complete honesty. For a chance to remember him. I fear I am loosing parts of his memory due to time. I am grateful for a reminder of how great he really was.
I am so grateful for the family that has been there for us. I am so grateful to those who plan to attend. It is a good feeling to know you aren't alone in this process of loss.
In all honesty. I am excited to see all my family members. This will be a fantastic day.
To all those who have lost someone, I am so sorry. These kind of days are the ones you think you will never face.
I'm just glad I don't have to face it alone.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Scared to take a Jump....
In this journey I have been on called life, there is one thing for certain, nothing is certain. Your life is never laid out in front of you so you can plan accordingly.
In all my experiences, I have never felt so certain about this one thing.(that I will not be naming)
For example, how steady a job was going to be, or maybe the person you were sure you were going to marry didn't feel the same way, or you thought for certain, some of the challenges you have faced, only happened in the movies.
So I have my life planned out at 16 years old and am sure it will go exactly to plan. NO one can tell me differently, I will make it happen. People smile and nod. They think they know everything.
So this plan I have or had. It didn't really go exactly they way I planned it to.
Sometimes I find myself in shock at the challenges people face and are able to carry on with such faith and happiness.
Well, one if my little/big plans I had in life didn't work out at all how I expected. Actually I felt it blew up in my face. I found myself in wonder with God. "How could I have been so sure about something and turn out completely wrong?"
My confidence in myself was completely shattered. Trusting in my thoughts and feelings were now at question. I was mind blown.
A lesson I think I wasn't ready for.
Sometimes I think the choices we make are completely ours to make. There are no right or wrong answers. It is simply our choice. How little confidence I have in myself when the choice is up to me. I'd rather god tell me the right choice. Then I would never make any bad decisions.
I was wrong. How completely stumped I was when the choice I had thought so right, ended up being so wrong. It is a challenge in itself to admit you are wrong.
Just like thinking a job was going to be steady and the next day you are fired. Or proposing to your one true love and finding she does not feel the same way.You may find yourself hesitant to trust yourself with the next big decision in your life.
But I have learned that trusting in yourself is one of life's great lessons. Trust your instincts. Act on them. Just because life has not gone according to plan does not mean that it is not beautiful.
Trust yourself. Be confident in yourself. Life may seem crazy and can seem to take you in a direction you never thought possible. But there is reason behind it. Find it.
These twists and turns are set in place to challenge us beyond our capabilities. To make us strong.
"God does give us challenges we cannot handle. It is only through him we are able to face the rain and thunder that challenge our lives. Soon that storm will break way into that beautiful sunshine that is always waiting on the other side."
Trust in yourself. Your instincts are right. You just need to act on them.
In all my experiences, I have never felt so certain about this one thing.(that I will not be naming)
For example, how steady a job was going to be, or maybe the person you were sure you were going to marry didn't feel the same way, or you thought for certain, some of the challenges you have faced, only happened in the movies.
So I have my life planned out at 16 years old and am sure it will go exactly to plan. NO one can tell me differently, I will make it happen. People smile and nod. They think they know everything.
So this plan I have or had. It didn't really go exactly they way I planned it to.
Sometimes I find myself in shock at the challenges people face and are able to carry on with such faith and happiness.
Well, one if my little/big plans I had in life didn't work out at all how I expected. Actually I felt it blew up in my face. I found myself in wonder with God. "How could I have been so sure about something and turn out completely wrong?"
My confidence in myself was completely shattered. Trusting in my thoughts and feelings were now at question. I was mind blown.
A lesson I think I wasn't ready for.
Sometimes I think the choices we make are completely ours to make. There are no right or wrong answers. It is simply our choice. How little confidence I have in myself when the choice is up to me. I'd rather god tell me the right choice. Then I would never make any bad decisions.
I was wrong. How completely stumped I was when the choice I had thought so right, ended up being so wrong. It is a challenge in itself to admit you are wrong.
Just like thinking a job was going to be steady and the next day you are fired. Or proposing to your one true love and finding she does not feel the same way.You may find yourself hesitant to trust yourself with the next big decision in your life.
But I have learned that trusting in yourself is one of life's great lessons. Trust your instincts. Act on them. Just because life has not gone according to plan does not mean that it is not beautiful.
Trust yourself. Be confident in yourself. Life may seem crazy and can seem to take you in a direction you never thought possible. But there is reason behind it. Find it.
These twists and turns are set in place to challenge us beyond our capabilities. To make us strong.
"God does give us challenges we cannot handle. It is only through him we are able to face the rain and thunder that challenge our lives. Soon that storm will break way into that beautiful sunshine that is always waiting on the other side."
Trust in yourself. Your instincts are right. You just need to act on them.
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