Silence in Peace

I see shadows dancing across my face as the moon glistens upon the soft diamond snow. I am amazed at the deafening silence the wintery woods hold in their seemingly innocent stillness.

I am alone.

Exhale.

My breath, a cloud white mist, seems to be the trumpet of this quiet mountain.

The moon is my flashlight and reflects off of each crystal of snow that exists to be seen. The woods seem to be lit as far as the eye can see.

Midnight appears to be midday.

I smile.

Overwhelming silence brings to pass a deep warmth inside my heart.

I have found my silence in peace.

My peace in paradise.

My paradise within.

As my gaze circle's; each aspen appears to be perfectly spaced as if this forest had been planted by man and not naturally bloomed at random by god's great hand.

Inhale.

The crisp air fills my lungs entirely and I am alive. Filled with renewed energy and new sense of self.
My mind is clear as my eyes travel up to the moonlit sky.

Each star is like a  bright diamond that competes for your attention. Flashing at different moments as if screaming for you to look at only one, while wanting to look at them all as a whole.

Breathtaking.

I take a step towards the only place I can.

Forward.

No longer am I facing the past, but the here and now.

The present.

I am here in this space. Surrounded by such beauty. My heart is open......soft.

I have been reset.

I am ready.

Ready to face the world.

Ready to face my challenges.

Challenges come.

I'm ready for the fight.

Because I know I will win.

Because I took a moment,

Reset,

and found my silence in peace.

Malaysia Flight 370

First of all I hate the title of my post.

It really should be the names of all the people on Malaysia Flight 370. Not a plane and its' number. Each one of them deserves to be recognized, noticed, loved, and searched for till the end of time.

I wish I could tell you I know how you feel. But I don't. My brother went missing 6 years ago without a trace, and his absence consumed my every moment of living.

Every missing person case is different. Sadly, yours is one for the history books.

I haven't written anything about this because I, like I'm sure the entire world, have been in complete and total shock. How does a plane just disappear?

When the news of Jesse's (my brother), disappearance hit, I was so upset. So scared. So worried. A million different scenarios played out in my head and I nearly lost it right then and there.

"My brother is missing? WHAT?! YOU ARE LYING. This only happens in the movies, this is not real life. Wake up niki.......wake up!!!!"

I still have not waken from that nightmare.

I pray with every part of my heart you wake up from yours and news will come as soon as possible about your loved one.

Surround yourself with only the best of friends. Those who lift you up and keep your spirits high. No one should ever tell you how you should be feeling or how long you should be feeling a certain way.

 Because all in one day you can go from waking up and feeling like today is the day they will find them. Then the next hour you find yourself bargaining with god to do something.......ANYTHING, to get them back to you.

I remember the worst part about Jesse going missing was the anger. I was SO ANGRY! No one did enough. No one had any answers. I literally wanted to kill someone. (figuratively) "HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING???" Nothing was good enough. Nothing was fast enough. Nothing could calm me. I was a wreck! I fluctuated in between anger and bargaining a lot!

Then a few hours or a day might pass and I've found myself in denial about the entire thing. I have at one time convinced myself that Jesse is on an extended vacation and has just forgot to call for awhile. It helped me deal with the day, or so I thought.

I've even crept over to accepting that this just might be my situation and I may never know where my baby brother went missing to. But that road to acceptance is so incredibly hard to travel down. I am six years out and I still think I could still get answers. And it is ok to think that. Good friends don't crush hope, they support it.

Find good people to confide in. Get a good support system. They are your life line and you need them........YOU NEED THEM.

Before I talk about this next part, please know I am just as hopeful as anyone that your loved one is alive and well and soon this night mare soon will be over. I pray everyday that this is all some crazy misunderstanding and they are safe somewhere and everything is fine. I have so much love and hope for you all and I wish only the best for your families!

You might or might not have found by now that your head kind of spins in a little circle.

This constant cycle is what I call "The Circle of Grief" instead of the "Cycle of Grief".  There just seems to be no end to your mourning because there is no closure. Instead of just going through the grieving process like normal people, we keep doing circles because we have no closure. Without closure, it is very difficult to move on. But not impossible.

This grief I am talking about has an actual dictionary name as well........it is called Ambiguous Loss: or Frozen Grief.  I've written  2 entire posts about it if you want to know more about it. I also have some references to some books that were quite helpful to me as well. The post is called Ambiguous Loss: Frozen Grief.

My heart goes out to all of you that has lost a loved one. I loved and still love my brother very much. The people who are currently looking for their loved ones from Malaysia Flight 370, You are incredible. I am sick to my stomach that this could even happen in the world today. It shouldn't be possible. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.

My blog gets 100 to 150 hits a day. If anyone wants their loved ones story told, please let me know and I would love to post it, and help get your story out there.

Love to all of you out there who are struggling or in need of comfort this night. I wish you all my love and truly hope tomorrow brings sunshine and warmth to your day.