Circle of grief????

 This is one of my first blogs. This is before I had even heard what ambiguous loss was. This was just my thoughts were on what someone goes through when someone goes missing.  

 My opinion my not be the same as others. That is why it is called my opinion. But, it is my opinion that when a loved one goes missing, the person left behind worrying goes through the stages of grief almost daily. If you have never had a loved one go missing this might sound a little strange.
      In self help books and school I learned the stages of grief and the process people go through when a loved one dies. First there is Denial, then anger, next is bargaining, then comes depression, and finally acceptance. When someone goes missing the "grief process" goes out the window.
      When Jesse first went missing, I was in complete denial. I told myself there was no way this was happening and that this only happened in the movies. This could not be real life. When reality settled in, I was mad. Actually I was furious. I felt like Jesse was out there missing and I was angry at everyone. I wanted everyone to stop what they were doing and find him. That's when I started bargaining. I was desperate. I was ready and willing to do anything to get him back. I needed him back. I felt like it was pouring rain and I couldn't even see in front of me. Then it began to hail and I became so confused and disoriented. I felt like I was spinning. I spun so fast. Too fast. It was blurry and I was so sick. But I never accepted him as dead. So the cycle continued. Too often I would find myself in the darkest part of our house sitting in the corner staring at the wall. Jesse went missing in March. I noticed that that is what I did all day every day on July 30th. My poor husband and family had no idea what to do with me. I remember nothing of that time. All I remember is complete and total darkness.
        The reason I remembered it was July 30th was because that was the last day I could reply to accept my invitation into the nursing program. I was in shock. How did that much time pass and I not even realize it?? I was like a robot all summer. I had 3 kids, ages 3 1/2, 1 1/2, and newborn. I get post pardum depression really after each baby. So Jesse going missing right after I had my son nearly killed me. But that is another story. Everyday was the same; get up, feed kids, dress kids, snacks, let them play, sit stare,  feed lunch, let them play, Kirt would come home and I disappeared. Again, this is what people tell me. I remember nothing of that time.
      I decided to go to nursing school and that was the best thing for me. It occupied my mind. It saved me from the deathly silence. No news from Jesse's missing person's case was so painful. dreams of people hurting him would fill my mind. School helped that.
        So why do I call it a circle of grief and not the stages of grief. That is a good question. In one day I can go through all the stages of grief and never come to acceptance. First I will just be comfortable being in denial about the entire thing. At noon I'm just angry that I'm in this situation at all. Then at night, I'd be bargaining with god to trade places with my brother. Asking "God would someone just solve this puzzle please!!! I'm going crazy". But I have almost come to accept it. Lots of people will say it's been five years, don't you think he is dead?" and I will stop and think for a minute and I will say "Yes. I believe he is dead. But there is that .1111111% chance that my baby brother is alive. So I never give up hope." and that's ok. As long as I am living my best life and to it's fullest potential I'm ok with thinking that way.
         Sadly I do still ride the circle of grief train. I have been able to get off but sometimes get back on. It is a hard, hard, struggle to go through and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it. But I do believe It is wrong to do go through it alone. You need a support group. Let me be your friend if you need help whether you have a loved one missing or are depressed. Please this world is so hard. Find someone to talk to. I have no shame. I've got a therapist, and am on medication. Depression is real. PLEASE FIGHT IT!!!!                 niki