Where your heart is...

Home....I think I have been home sick for over a year and a half. I think I have been searching for something that has been sitting in front of me all this time...

If you have been reading my blog, you may know that within the past 7 months I have moved 2 times. In the ten years that Kirt and I have been married we have moved over 9 times.

I must say, out of all those moves, these last two have taught me the very most.

I had this dream. I was going to have this huge beautiful home. Huge kids play room loft, with skylights to watch the stars at night, granite counter tops, hard wood floors, a theater room........you know.......the works.

Well 7 months ago my dream came true. I got my dream home. It was fantastic! I was in love with this home. I moved from my neighborhood we had been living in for quite some time and made the jump to our dream home. All seemed too good...

It turns out I was wrong.

This house was ginormous!!! It was double the size of our old home. How could I not love this home, right? Yeah, I thought that too. But, I found myself extremely uncomfortable at night. My kids and I were now on different floors and I could no longer hear their soft little voices when they called out for me. No longer hear the cute noises they made in the night that seemed to sing me to sleep. I was alone in silence, and in a mansion of worries.

My breaking point came when Chase came into my room and all you could hear was a wheezing breath coming from his mouth. I turned on the light and my precious little boys mouth was completely blue. Chase had croup. I ran him into the bathroom and turned on the hot water stripped him naked and jumped into the bath with him. Chase is older, (6), so I stayed fully clothed and helled my sweet baby in the bath tub full of water and just listened to him breathe the rest of the night. Music to my ears.

I have not slept a full nights rest since that night. Had he not woke me up, I would have never known he was struggling to breathe. "Oh how I wished my home was small." I thought. Oh how I wished I could reverse time and go back to where I was before. Oh how I wished I knew what I had when I had it.

It was then I got to thinking....Am I a "grass is always greener" type of person? Is this how it is always going to be? Always thinking the opposite of how I am living looks so much better? Gee....I hope not.

What is wrong with me??? This is my dream home!

But now, I'm not so sure.

What is a dream home? Is it a ginormous house filled with swimming pools and endless games to play? Granite counter tops and hard wood floors?

Or could it be something else? 

Something else entirely different.

In these past two moves, as I have said, I have learned so much. The most important was.......I now know what a dream house really is.

It is not a ginormous house. It can be any size. For it is feeling in the home that brings the house to life. I found as we switched to my "dream home" my family came with it. Had they not been there in this new home......it would just be a building that I slept in. A house is just a building you sleep in. Your family and the life you bring to the home is what makes it a place of love and happiness.

I found this ginormous home too big for our family. Too easy to be far apart. Too easy to not communicate with each other. We needed a small and cozy home.

If you have a home and the neighborhood and the schools are good. Don't move. A home is just a place you sleep in. But a good neighborhood is hard to come by. It is a regret I was able to correct but be careful. A good neighborhood is irreplaceable.

What I learned was to be grateful always for what I have at all times. A small home is a blessing. Just having a home is a blessing. My dream home is what I had all along. I'm with the people I love the most. What more could I possibly ask for? For the first time I think I am learning what it means to be content with my life. So sad that it has taken this long to understand what that word actually means:)

"To be content in life is to find true rest within your soul"------anonymous

One more than you can ever say!

Do you remember on the playground when you were arguing with your friends over something completely ridiculous but you had to be the one who was right no matter what? No matter what they said? So you would argue something like this....."I like that shirt the most!", "No! I like that shirt the most!!", "Uh-ah, I like that shirt one more than you can ever say!" And so on the argument would go. I had that very argument just yesterday.....

Well Ladies......I put an offer on a house. Yes, yes, yes, I did. (Now, I'm ok talking money with people. Forgive me if  I make you uncomfortable by talking money but you keep reading so technically it's your fault.)

We have been looking for a house to live in for over a year and a half. So just three days ago I saw this house listed for sale and I fell in love with it. Soooooo......this house was in our price range and we had a little wiggle room. I was so excited!

Orem, Utah is a hot place to live right now apparantely. This home went up for sale just that day and had 3 offers by the end of the night. AH!!! I hate this! So we decided to put in our best offer. (it was over list price.) By the next day at 6 pm we got the word that all offers were over list price! They wanted best and final offers in by 6 pm the next night.

Stupid. Drive me crazy, Nuts! What do I do?! Offer a crazy amount?! BEG?! I want, wait! I need this house. It is perfect for my family! The schools, the neighborhood, my best friend lives right by me, tons of kids in the all the houses surrounding the house, what more could I want? 

Then it hit me.....One more than you can ever say!!! That's it!!! That is how I will make my offer! Call me crazy but I'm gonna do it. Offer them $1,000 above whatever the highest offer submitted was. It was a huge risk. "What if someone offers them a crazy amount? What if someone offers them $30,000 over the listed price???" That's the gamble. BUT---what if, by chance, they all only have gone over the listed price by just a little bit. What if I call their bluff???

If I were to just give my best and final offer......because I have been looking for literally a year and a half, I would have offered $20,000 over listed price. Crazy, I know. I wanted this house so badly. So we did it. One more than you could ever say. HA HA! Yes. They actually let you do these kind of offers:) Everyone thought I was nuts. Kirt was a mess. (Of course we protected ourselves and made this all contingent upon appraisal. Gee, I'm not completely stupid.)


We submitted our offer. Now we just had to wait.

And wait....

And wait....

And wait...

Finally I got the call. My relator told me to sit down. I immediately sat down. "Ok Niki. There were 6 offers submitted by the time the deadline hit. Of all those offers......they chose yours." I screamed. I was full of excitement and fear all at once. I still didn't know how much I was going to pay for the house. I said. "OK. So tell me how much I am going to pay for my house." There was a slight pause. "Are you sitting down?", "Yeeeeesssss?" I said slowly. "You are paying...." and he told me the purchase price.

It was only $8,000 more than the listed price!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen I won! Let's go to VEGAS because this girl is on fire!!! It was such a gamble and such huge risk but what a rush!!! Kirt and I sat there and just laughed. We would have at least offered $10,000 over listed price with six other offers on the table. But I called their bluff and won! Everyone just went a little bit over the listed price. SO happy it worked out! I am going to be in my dream neighborhood! So grateful we got the house!

I guess this just goes to show that some of the silly things we learned on the playground really can help us out later in life. Who knew for me it would be "ONE MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER SAY"

Le Mes

I have never seen Le Mes, or even heard the music that goes along with Le Mes. When I tell people this they are mind blown. They cannot believe it. Apparently it has beautiful music and an amazing story to go with it. But everyone has told me, "Oh, you will cry!" Well.....guess what? I don't like to cry. Les Mes has been a huge fear of mine. I have been so afraid to see this show. All I have heard is that it is so sad. Why would I want to watch something that is so sad???? So my friend broke me down and took me to the pioneer theater in Salt Lake City. I have even bought the movie and still have not watched it. That is how scared I am to watch this show. I just don't like watching things that make me sad, I like watching things that make me happy and laugh. So Les Mes was a show I have been wanting to see all my life and never had the courage to see because I thought it would make me too sad....

So I went to the play. I was absolutely shocked. EVERYONE DIES!!! (Except one person.) And I left that show feeling Happy and Inspired. How messed up is that???

I found myself relating to the main character so much. He made so many tiny mistakes in his life and was such an amazing person. But, he was such a tortured soul. I find I make so many tiny mistakes and am so hard on myself. So much harder on myself than could ever be necessary. I expect perfection when understanding is all that is needed.

The music was amazing and of course I cried. I cried so hard when Colette's mother sang, "I dreamed a dream" It was so indescribable the feeling's I felt when she sang, "I dreamed a dream of a life of so much more than this hell I'm living." She sang it like she truly meant it. I think we all have felt that at one time or another. Felt that our lives would have turned out a whole lot more different than it did. (Not that we all think we all live in Hell by any means.) But I'm sure we may have felt, in some way or another, that at one point or another in our lives, a situation we may be in.......is pure hell. I know I have:)  Life gives us twists and turns we never expect. I think that's what makes us appreciate it more as we get older. Life truly is a gift. It runs on the love we put into it and the life we bring to it.

This play just made me cry. I loved every second of it. People fought for what they believed in. It made me think....."What do I believe in so much that I would fight for and even die for?" Then I thought again, "Do I believe in something that much???" If I'm being completely honest, I don't know. I'm a chicken. I think that was a huge message to me.I want to believe in something that much again. I want that passion and that drive. Back then, people believed in things. They fought for things. This play has so many good messages. Loved it.

I was truly touched by this play that I just had to write about it!! It took me by surprise at every scene. I was most surprised to see how much the main character could not forgive himself for collete's mother's death. He was such a beautiful person but never saw it in himself. I think so many of us are like that. I think I am so hard on myself and so much more unforgiving of myself than I should be. Why? I don't know. But I am working on that.

I think you could watch this play or movie a million times and each time learn something new. A new lesson. There are so many messages in the music that is sung. Some take it and find it truly sad. I found this play truly inspiring. It made me think of, "survival of the human spirit". No matter how hard life got for the main character, he fought back and always got back on his feet. He served people, he loved people, he cared for people.

This play made me want to go an adopt a child and change their life for the better. (Not that I'm actually going to do that.) This play showed that one single person can make such a huge difference in the world and in people's lives. It made me feel empowered. One person can make such a huge difference in this world.

I know there are so many days when our daily duties as mother's feels so pointless. We might feel like we aren't benefiting the world in any way, shape, or form. But---we are changing lives. We serve, we love, we care. Mother's are true warrior's in this world. I love my mother. She changed my life. I am a better person because I have her in my life.

One of my favorite quotes is: "Mother's hold their childs' hand for awhile, but their hearts forever" We are simply awesome!

Loved this and wish I saw it sooner.....but then I wouldn't have appreciated it as much!!! Love to all!

Murphy's Law

Ha-wee-wee!!! Yes Ladies and Gentlemen I made it to paradise, Hawaii. I am complete!!! It is absolutely stunning here and I think this island was where I was meant to live. I think I will never leave....yes. That's what I'll do. Yes this is what this island does to you. it sucks you in and makes you never want to leave it.

But Yes. Sadly......I did leave that beautiful bliss.

Just a side note: Trevor and Kenalee Hanson, (One of my favorite cousins and his wife, also one of my favorite people in the world.), came over last night. They are going to Hawaii today. (SO JEALOUS) They are going to KONA, the big island. Call me crazy, but I never heard of KONA. But they are going. They stopped by to get life jacket for their kids. I just wanted them to know I love them and wish them luck on their trip. AND----publically tell them they suck for not taking me with them.......:)

ANYWAYS---Have anyone of you heard of Murphy's Law???? I think it's the one that says"If anything can go wrong, will go wrong." So just plan on going with flow.

Well that is how the start of our vacation went....

Right before Hawaii My sister in-law, whom I love like a true sister, dropped her kids off for a few hours for me to watch while she ran some errands, then I did the same, then she took her daughter to the doctor for an appt. at the end of the day. So all day our kids have been together......she came back and her daughter was diagnosed with strep-throat. AH! Hawaii was 3 days away!

Becks was sick 2 days later. I went to the Doctor got every prescription I could think of. "OK Beckham is going to be fine. He'll be a little sick for Hawaii but not too bad." 

That night chase's ear drum ruptured. Puss everywhere. He was in so much pain. Chase has a long history of rupturing eardrums.

He went to school the next day for half the day because of testing. The flight left that afternoon. His other ear started to hurt. "Oh no! A rupturing ear drum while flying on a plane.......That is a remedy for disaster." The entire flight would be a screaming mess. I call the doctor.....more prescriptions.....Looks like we are a go.

I'm feeling a little run down but that is probably because everyone is sick. So I continue on with the flight and the kids. WAIT!!! I HATE FLYING!!! PANIC ATTACK ON THE PLANE!!! Kirt takes over, now there are 5 kids on the plane. He has crayons and a coloring book for me. My pillow and teddy bear are there to comfort me. No Joke, my inner child comes out when I am on these flights. Kirt is the ONLY adult to care  for the children for the 8 hour flight. I am just one of the kids. I am no help. He knows that.

OK......we land and are safe. I snap back into my parent body and get going. We get to our hotel and relax. The next day I literally can't breathe if I am not sitting up.

I  have Pneumonia. PNUEMONIA!!!! IN HAWAII!!!!! In the middle of the summer!!! The entire week I have an inhaler so I can breathe. Can you believe it????!!!! How does that Happen????? I can't breath in the summer time and in the winter I am just fine??? So crazy. But too funny.

I had to laugh. But we still had a blast. I just could not believe how sicK our family was on this trip......we all had coughs.....In Hawaii!

 Beckham had the flu, chase had rupturing eardrums, I had pneumonia, and lexi and landon, both had coughs. Kirt was the only one who didn't have anything. It was unreal. It was like we brought a plague to the Island. We walked in to a restaurant and we were a chorus of coughs. Everyone looked at us like we were one big ball of germs. And we totally were. Too Funny!!!

Cross roads

I am taking a walk on a beautiful summers day. The path on the road we are following is clear. It has very small rocks here and there to stumble across if you are not careful. I am happy the sun is shining so brightly. The rocks never seem to get in the way.

As the path winds on, so darkens the day. Into the sunset I walk.This time the path is full of color and the sun setting light. Life is bright and full of wonderful paths of adventure and opportunity. Each path a positive one. Each path will lead you to a great life. Each path is your own choice. The world is at your finger tips....

A path is chosen. The journey is now taken. This path winds, turns, dips, disappears, reappears, jumps, hops, trips, sticks, tricks, winds, climbs, and teaches you patience in life. But then it can stop you.....

Like a fork in the road. The sun is now blistering hot. Two choices. Two roads. Finding the right path is always my biggest challenge. Think. Pray. Wait. Patience. I will get there.


Have you ever been at a cross road in your life and didn't know which way to turn??? Well that is where I am at in my life right now, a cross roads. We are trying to find our forever house. Not a starter home, not a rental, not a house we will grow out of. A forever house. I must say, It creates a lot of pressure. You want to have a perfect neighborhood, perfect schools, you know, everything for your kids. We don't want to move ever again. So this summer is it. Our final move. I am so nervous. We have to make our final decision. Any thoughts on what to look for??? Any good neighborhoods???  We have no idea what other neighborhoods are like outside of Orem. We are looking all over from SLC down to Orem. Let me know if you have any ideas!!!

Reflections in Hawaii

As I sit here while the sun touches my face. The soft breeze brushes across my legs and the soft warm air comforts my body. I look across this private beach we have been staying at and think, "WOW, This is truly paradise." 

We are finally here. We are in Hawaii. We made it. It is a journey all should take. This beauty these islands have to offer are indescribable. I wish I could live here. The lush green vegetation is everywhere and flowers bloom at random. I am astounded at how at peace I am here.


We stayed at the Marriott Beach Club Resort and Spa KO Olina on Oahu. It was the most beautiful resort I have ever seen. Palm trees everywhere, running trails, pools upon pools, hot tubs, bars, restaurants, live music, shops, activities for kids and adults, private beach with lawn chairs, a reef to scuba dive by, I mean....you name it, they pretty much had it.


We went with all of our kids. Crazy huh? But I needed them for this trip. I needed my entire family for this trip. I couldn't bring myself to visit Kuai,. The island where Jesse went missing. See, I don't want my entire life to be a sad memory. Especially Hawaii. So I decided to visit Oahu first and then some day down the road visit Kuai. I wanted Hawaii to be a positive experience, not a sad one. And after everything that happened on this trip......I know I made the best decision of my life. I LOVE HAWAII!!! I totally understand why Jesse loved it here.

Now, I have a family blog and I have kind of a "Dance in the Rain" blog. In this blog I talk mainly about my thoughts on things. Or challeges I may be facing or see others facing and the example they are to me. Or whatever I want it to be.....So yea. But my family blog will have more of the activities and stuff we did and fun times we shared. This page is pretty much what I learned while I was there. I was surprised at how much I learned about Jesse, Myself, and Kirt.

As I sit here and write this as the sun sets across the most heavenly sky, I am reminded of all the simple things life has to offer me and how often I forget them. I simple "hello or Aloha" from a stranger has been the highlight of our days. This island seems to run as a different speed, and I like it. The overall feeling I have gotten from being in Oahu is "Work Hard and Love Life". I find that lesson so easy to say and yet so hard to teach.

I see why Jesse loved it here. It is absolutely beautiful and the people are amazing. If I had to choose, I would live on one of these islands myself. The mood is so much different here. Hardworking but Joyful. I just love it. If I were Jesse I would never want to leave. It is paradise where he was. I know he was truly happy there.

I went to the Hawaii Temple and found great peace there with my brother. Nothing but love was filled in my heart for him. All the beauty of the island reminded me of his sweet presence and love. He was such a beautiful person what better place to go to remember him than the Hawaii Temple? He is safe. I know he is happy.

After this trip, I can say, I feel healed.

I feel happy.

I see color.

I see the beauty this world has to offer and it is amazing. I can now inhale those colors and absorb them into my very center and let them burst inside of me. I can finally feel again! I am not longer a robot. I am no longer a zombie. I am colorful!

I can take on the blues and the browns, the whites, and pinks, purples and greens, violets, reds.......ANYTHING!    I AM ME AGAIN!!!! I found me. He found me. We found me. Together we can do anything.

Facing my fear to come to Hawaii was really a scary thing for me. Kirt was my strong hold. He has been there though thick and thin. He became my best friend all over again on this trip. He is my everything and I owe him so much. Thank you Kirt for all you do for me.

If there is anything I hope anyone gets out of this post is that, I was set free and given a new perspective on life by facing one of my biggest fears. I cannot believe how amazing It feels and how much weight has been lifted off my chest by just knowing that is not one of my demons anymore. I am no longer afraid.

I love life. I love Hawaii!!! I am so happy to be living in this beautiful world today. Challenges do get better if you face them head on. Challenges get even easier when you ask god for help.

Content without WHEN

Falling victim to the word WHEN:

I am a child up in my favorite tree. Playing my game of hide and seek. Mom calls me in because it is dinner time. I am so disappointed. " Awe! Just 5 more minutes? When is she ever going to let me finish my games?" I think to myself. "I can't wait till when I am a grown up. Then no one can tell me what to do!" 

I am 15 years old and need a ride to my friends house. "Mom, can I get a ride?" I wait for a response. "Um, yeah sure honey, but not for at least 45 minutes. "45 more minutes! I could just drive the car! I'm practically 16 anyways! Oh MAN! This sucks!" I sit and wait for 45 minutes until my mom is ready. she comes for me and smiles. I look at her and say, "When I'm 16, things will get better. I just know it!"

I am a brand new baby mother. Oh look at my precious baby! Isn't she adorable!!! ----Wait! Everyone just left! I'm all alone with the baby! Oh No!!! What do I do? I don't know how to be a mom!! I wanted to say, "Come back! You guys should have her. You were so much better with her!" Instead, I quieted down and talked to no one. I simply thought to myself, ok this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. But I love her so incredibly so. I made a note in my head, "When Alexis is 2 and can do things a little more on her own I will be a happy. Things will get easier then....."

I have two more children very close together. Chase and Landon. They are 18 months apart. They were both 2 of my best surprises!!! They are fireballs of energy! I seriously want a tranquilizer gun at times for them. But I hear that is illegal. Oh well. j/k They are crazy. I keep telling myself. I will be happy when they get a little older and they slow down a little bit. I could use just a little down time...

Beckham is still hiding poop in the laundry vents.......I will be happy when he is potty trained.

Kirt and I are trying to buy a home. A beautiful home. We are renting right now and we absolutely hate it. We want to have a place to call our own. We have been trying to close on this home for over 7 months. It has been an absolute nightmare!!!  Kirt and I believe we will be happy when we close on this house...

But wait.....then there's that credit card we forgot to pay off......ok we will finally be happy when that is paid off!

But what about all the project you need to get done to fix your new house? OK fine.....after that we will be happy.

But what about........

ALRIGHT!!!! I get it. It's never gonna be good enough. I'm always going to say, "I'll be happy when...." I have my entire life. I'm always looking ahead in life. Planning for the future. Trying to make my life a better one. All good things. But as I look ahead I miss what is standing right in front of me. What is presently here with me in this exact moment.

As I am saying this I look down I see 4 pairs of the most beautiful blue eyes gazing up at me. Smiling.

"Where did you come from?" It is my 2 boys, chase and landon, and cute little lexi. They had been staring for quiet some time. Too cute.

My friends and I all went out to dinner a few nights ago and she said something that really hit hard for me. She said, As a parent I went through so many stages of acceptance. I was so giddy and excited at first, and then I felt I was really bad at it, and I was mad and sad that I was bad at it. Then I learned to accept that I really was a mom and this is how it was going be. So she is trying to learn to be great at it.

I loved her honestly. "Well, this is my situation. I can either make the best or the worst out of it." She chose to make the best out of a situation she felt very unsure of. She is an amazing mother by the way.

The same goes for the word WHEN. I have used the phrase, "I'll be happy when..." or "Things will get better when....." And you find yourself waiting and waiting because the when always changes. Something else always comes up. It's a TRAP!

How about I am happy? When I wake up in the morning and my husband is able to go to work, I'm grateful. I am happy when my boys are home with their high energy! I only get them like this for so long. they make life fun.

I am happy lexi grew into her 8 year old body! She is such a joy and I love the moments we share.

What I am saying is CONTENT. Being content with ourselves and our lives. There will always be a need to have something done. There will always be project. There will never be another now.  Take the now and live in it. Be present in your own life.

Being content with my life right now has been a true struggle for me. But seriously? What do I have to complain about? We have a roof over our heads and food to eat. The words WHEN should not exist in my vocabulary.

I heard the word content and me are rivals and it is my goal this week to make her my best friend. I will never let WHEN win again. I will never wait for WHEN, I will never live in the future but run in the present. 

Because it is never, when we will be happy, it is yes, we are happy!