Trials Define Me....?

It has been a long time since I last posted. After Jesse's memorial I couldn't see myself ever writing again. I had feared writing would stir up feelings inside me I didn't want to feel anymore. BUT---late, late, late last night I decided to check my blog and read some old posts.

To my surprise, I had seven new messages waiting for me to read. Most of them were from anonymous people. Each message was a compliment of some kind. I was shocked. I didn't think anyone read this blog besides family. Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. It gave me courage when I thought I had none.

I've been honest in my thoughts and struggles I have had throughout these past 5 years without my little brother. For people to say some of my posts have helped them means more to me than anyone could ever know. If this blog has impacted ANYONE it has been worth the effort.

Over the past 3 months I have done a lot of thinking and healing. The memorial did more for me than I ever thought possible. It made me realize what I let my trials do to me. I was my trial.

Everyone is different and unique. Every experience we have in life influences us into the people we are today. Some people are soft spoken, some are loud, some are opinionated and judgmental. Our personalities and view on life is shaped by the trials we have faced. How we respond to each trial is what makes you strong or breaks you down.

My trials were in control of me. They made all of the decisions. They called all of the shots. I was broken. I knew I was broken. It was if I accepted that this was how it was and there is nothing I can do about it. I surrendered to my trials. They had won. I gave up.

Every time I thought I hit rock bottom the floor dropped another 5 feet. Rock bottom didn't seem to exist anymore. It was an endless hole I had fallen into. I had no hope of crawling out. I accepted my black hole.

Soon happiness seemed like a foreign word. I couldn't remember what the word even meant. This was my new normal. I felt a deep panic inside of me. My only thought was, "RUN!!!". I wanted to run away from everything. Run from the pain and confusion. Most of all, I wanted to run away from my responsibilities.  "It was too much", I told myself. I wanted simple. I wanted to disappear.

Kirt, my husband, had no idea how to help me. He couldn't help me. I was the only person who could help me.

I had a choice to make. Take this trial and learn from it and use it as a stepping stone in my life. OR, let this trial define me and control every aspect of my life.

Some trials can seem like the highest mountain. They can seem like they will never end. There is no top, just a steeper and steeper climb.

I think back to when this trial began and then see what my life is now because of it. I had to make a decision. Give in or get up.

I decided to get up. I prayed to God. "I am not strong enough. I am too weak. I can't do this on my own. Help me give this trial to you. Help me believe again. Take this pain away from me.....please?"

It took a little while but slowly my pain lessened. The anger and resentment I had felt towards life had finally left me. My trial no longer defined me. I defined it.

Everyone has challenges in their life. Some people I have met and talked to them about a challenge or trial they are facing. I have caught myself saying, "I could never handle that trial." How are they able to move on with their life and be so happy??? Then, I think of my own trials and am grateful for the trials I am faced with. I am grateful my trials are mine and their trials are theirs.

Trials can make you strong and teach you understanding. I am so grateful for what I have learned from my brothers disappearance. Although I would prefer he never went missing, the priceless lessons I have learned and the friendships I have made because of this trial are irreplaceable.

I view the world differently. I have learned that each challenge in life could always be worse than it is at the moment. I have learned to always try to look at a situation at every angle possible. How can I learn from this? What could this teach me?

My brother's disappearance taught me to appreciate family a million times more. They are a precious gift in this life. You never know if the moments you spend with them will be your last. I have learned to treat them more kindly and really appreciate who they are and what they mean to me. Sometimes we treat those we love the most, the worst, and those we know the least, the best. I am trying my best to make those special in my life a priority and not take them for granted. I love you guys!

Most importantly, Jesse taught me to live life to the fullest and then even a little more. Life has its ups, downs, twists and turns, but it is always beautiful. Some days it might not feel like it will ever be beautiful again. Sometimes it can be dark and lonely. But, the sunlight will come. It may take awhile, but it does eventually come. You will have the courage and the strength to fight another day.

And please believe me when I say it is worth fighting for.