I found my missing piece.....

After a long break, I am finally able to write again. In the past 4 weeks we have moved, gone to Lake Powell for a week, and planned and attended my brothers memorial......so writing just wasn't possible.

Inner peace. For five years I have had a deep hole in my heart. One that I thought would never mend. Inner peace was only a dream for me. But.....I am here to say, hearts can mend. There is life after tragedy, and the only way to mend that heart is by facing your challenge head on.

Thursday, July 11, 2013, was a life saving day. It was the day of my brother's memorial.

I had no idea how much I needed this.

I have finally received closure from an impossible situation.

Everyone in the family spoke. When it came to be my turn, I was sobbing. I thought I would never make it through my talk. But, amazingly, I was able to calm my crying and talk about my baby brother.

After I spoke a great peace came over me. I had faced my biggest fear. I felt so happy,

To celebrate jesse's life was what our family needed. Emotions were high, but in the end peace is all I felt.

I wanted jesse to know how much I loved him. How much I cared. I haven't been able to speak about him in public since he left.

A great weight has been lifted off me. I was finally able to do something for one of my best friends. That is what the missing piece was to my healing process. I found my missing piece!!!!

Isn't it strange, that the things that we feel most afraid of aren't really that scary once you finally face them.

I am so grateful to feel I have celebrated my brother's life. It was the last piece in finding a way to have some sort of closure.

I may never know where jesse is in this life. And that in itself is a true tragedy. But I finally found a way to look beyond my pain and beyond sorrows. 

I am for the first time in five years, excited for life. Excited to wake up in the morning. I love life again!!

After all my family has been through, I can honestly say, god works his miracles. I could have turned away and been bitter with the world. But through gods tender whispers and gentle touch, He carried me through this. Some days I was lucky to be alive. He saved me in more ways I can count. Thank you.

To my brother Jesse:
     My life will never be complete until I will see you again. The ache of your disappearance nearly killed me. But through constant prayer and after constant praying I have found peace.

I know I will see you. There is no doubt in my mind our lives will intersect again. I love you, my cute sweet baby brother. Life with out you will always seem wrong. Family dinners are meant to be with you. They will never be the same.

But my love for you is more than this life. It expands into the eternities. That love for you has kept me strong in a weak situation. You lived life so carefree. You taught me to not take my life so seriously. I love everything about you.

I can honestly say, had god not litterally lifted me up off the floor I had been laying on and carried  me back into reality I would have not survived this challenge.

God lives. And only through him can we endure our greatest life's challenge's.  Thank you to all who have supported me and my family. There is life after tragedy.............And it is wonderful.
                                                                                                 love niki