This post is going to be short, sweet, and straight to the point:)
I was so excited when I learned of Dr. Pauline Boss. She specializes in Ambiguous Loss and has written many books about it.
In her book, called "Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief" She talks about "frozen grief" and how we are meant to go through a mourning process. It is an excellent book and I am still in the process of reading it.
SO many people deal with ambiguous loss. My eyes were open to an entire world of people just like me. Whether it is a person gone missing in war, killed in action, missing in action, divorced parents, where one parent is no longer even able to know the whereabouts of the other parent whether they are alive or not, people gone missing, runaways, an orphan mourning the unknown of absent parents, etc.
So many people in the same situation need knowledge, good knowledge, on how to deal with the pain they are experiencing. I highly recommend this book for everyone. It has so many good points and can help you relate to more people than you will ever realize. If you know of anyone who is struggling with ambiguous loss recommend this book. IT IS AMAZING.
DR. PAULINE BOSS "AMBIGUOUS LOSS: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH UNRESOLVED GRIEF"
Thanks you so much for reading:) niki
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Worst day of my life....Jesse went missing.
The Christmas before Jesse went missing was one of the best I've ever had and the last one I would ever have with my entire family. Sometimes I wish I knew and others I'm grateful I didn't. Jesse had been planning a trip to Kauai, Hawaii for a couple of months and was to leave for about 3-4 months and return in time to see the blessing of my baby in mid-march. Plans fell through with friends and Jesse decided to go alone. We begged him not to go because we had such a bad feeling about it but Jesse just stated, "Niki, nothing can happen to me. I'm invincible." smiling he just got us all laughing and he got away with it.
Jesse was the life of the party, hilarious to be around, and surprisingly one of the most loving persons I have come in contact with. He is the person at the family gathering that if he is there then everyone wants to be there. His laugh was infectious and he is a huge missing piece in our hearts.
Jesse went to Hawaii alone for 3 months and lived in an apartment there. He often went of on hikes on the kololoua trail in Kauai. It is a dangerous trail and meant for only experienced hikers. Jesse is a really good hiker so we weren't too worried about that but we were worried that he was going alone.
So far he had been fine. About a week before he was to come home he called and told us he was going to go on one last hike and was to fly home for the blessing. We were all so excited to see him.
Blessing day came and Jesse never showed up. We were in complete denial. That night, myself and a few family members had the same terrible dream about Jesse. He had died. I called mom and she reported him missing that day. We were numb. This was not happening.This happens to other people not us. Right? Or...... this only happens in the movies? Right??? We were at a loss. The police said they could do nothing because he was an adult. "He has the right to go missing". WOW.
My dad immediately went over to Hawaii and searched for three weeks. He found his apartment full of all his things. His clothes were all there. Cleaned and folded, his bed made, and house well kept. It was as if he had just left to go to the store. I am so grateful to my dad and his efforts to find jesse. He handed out fliers both day and night all by himself. No one else could afford to make the trip. I often thought of this and how lonely and Hard it must have been looking for your son in a strange place not knowing what had happened to him. I am so grateful to him for his efforts in looking for my brother. It had to be the most difficult thing he'd ever experience. I often think of my boys. The thought of me going through this experience as a parent is excruciating. I feel my dad lost a part of his heart on that trip that he will never get back. How could you?
As dad put up fliers, he put on the fliers that he would give a 5,000 dollar reward to whoever would give up any information leading to the discovery of Jesse. To everyone's shock and disbelief dad came home empty handed. No Jesse. No new information. No nothing. SILENCE. We were numb.
The quote, "Its not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain", Meant nothing here. We'd been struck by lightning. The storm hadn't even hit us.
2 more painful weeks passed and dad received a phone call from a hiker. He was on the kololoua trail saying he thought he was looking at Jesse's campsite. Dad flew straight back to Hawaii and hiked the kololoua to the assumed campsite and it was indeed Jesse's campsite.
How do we know??? Jesse's ipod was found along with other personal belongings that positively identified him at this campsite. I still have his shorts and favorite cowboy belt he always wore that were also found at the campsite. No signs of foul play. No notes. Just a clump of clothes on the ground, a back pack, tent, some wood gathered for a campfire, and a hammock. The pictures taken of the campsite are so eerie and troubling. My dad was able to find a pocket knife later in another search. He paid scuba divers to search the waters below. There are cliffs everywhere in Kauai, that if you fell off one it would be next to impossible to find you. If they did find you, due to the heat, depending on how long you had been missing, your body could be very hard, if not impossible, to identify.
After all the money my father paid and even my mother taking a trip over, still silence is all we have. I remember my mom telling me the most heartbreaking moment she had over there. She was in Jesse's apartment and packing up all his clothes to bring them home to Utah. As she looked at each shirt she was reminded of each moment she saw her beautiful boy wear each shirt. Tears welled in her eyes and she just put all the clothes in a pile on the bed and plopped herself on top of all her sweet little boys clothes and pulled them close into her arms. I pictured her like she was me, and how I would feel if it was my little boy. How I would just want to scoop up all those clothes and pretend they were my baby. She told me she closed her eyes and cried until she had no more tears to cry and then cried some more. While crying she would take a deep inhale of the clothes she held close to her face. "Oh, my sweet baby. Come home. Please. Let me hold you just one last time." She never wanted to move. Moving meant a part of her was letting go. Packing these clothes meant they would loose their scent. "I need that scent", "I miss him so much". The tears that were shed in that apartment are almost unbearable for me to even write about. My mother is an amazing woman with an amazing heart. Her love for her children is one of the greatest beauties in this entire world. When the beauty of a mothers love for her child has been shredded by untimely circumstance, (tragedy, murder, kidnapping, death, a child going missing, etc.), It is truly THE most heartbreaking things to witness. A mothers heartbreak is an unspeakable horror. I wish it for no woman in any circumstance, because the pain can be unbearable without help.
There is so much more to this story and the five years that have passed and I will be filling you all in as I can. Why am I doing this??? Well This is the 5th year Jesse has been missing we have done nothing for him. No funeral, No vigil, No nothing. For awhile, it was easy to just pretend he was on vacation and coming back soon. But that hasn't happened. So in his memory I wanted to start a blog about him and people like him. People who have gone missing. But I also wanted it to be a place for the missing person's family to be able to go to, to be able to connect with others who are like them with similar stories or backgrounds.
I would love it if you would like to tell your story just to me or if you wanted to, share it on this blog. I think we can make a difference in a lot of people's lives. I not only care about your story, I care about you and how you are dealing with it. This is not easy and we shouldn't be doing it alone.
Even if you don't have someone missing that you care about, depression is and suicide is a big thing we are fighting in my family. Please. I want to be here as someone who wants to help. I 'm here to say that it can and it does get better. If we would all just reach out we could all be strong together. Please join with me and even help me stand against what I fight each day.
In memory of my beautiful brother and his amazing life, lets choose to live our best life and not just survive it!!!
.
Jesse was the life of the party, hilarious to be around, and surprisingly one of the most loving persons I have come in contact with. He is the person at the family gathering that if he is there then everyone wants to be there. His laugh was infectious and he is a huge missing piece in our hearts.
Jesse went to Hawaii alone for 3 months and lived in an apartment there. He often went of on hikes on the kololoua trail in Kauai. It is a dangerous trail and meant for only experienced hikers. Jesse is a really good hiker so we weren't too worried about that but we were worried that he was going alone.
So far he had been fine. About a week before he was to come home he called and told us he was going to go on one last hike and was to fly home for the blessing. We were all so excited to see him.
Blessing day came and Jesse never showed up. We were in complete denial. That night, myself and a few family members had the same terrible dream about Jesse. He had died. I called mom and she reported him missing that day. We were numb. This was not happening.This happens to other people not us. Right? Or...... this only happens in the movies? Right??? We were at a loss. The police said they could do nothing because he was an adult. "He has the right to go missing". WOW.
My dad immediately went over to Hawaii and searched for three weeks. He found his apartment full of all his things. His clothes were all there. Cleaned and folded, his bed made, and house well kept. It was as if he had just left to go to the store. I am so grateful to my dad and his efforts to find jesse. He handed out fliers both day and night all by himself. No one else could afford to make the trip. I often thought of this and how lonely and Hard it must have been looking for your son in a strange place not knowing what had happened to him. I am so grateful to him for his efforts in looking for my brother. It had to be the most difficult thing he'd ever experience. I often think of my boys. The thought of me going through this experience as a parent is excruciating. I feel my dad lost a part of his heart on that trip that he will never get back. How could you?
As dad put up fliers, he put on the fliers that he would give a 5,000 dollar reward to whoever would give up any information leading to the discovery of Jesse. To everyone's shock and disbelief dad came home empty handed. No Jesse. No new information. No nothing. SILENCE. We were numb.
The quote, "Its not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain", Meant nothing here. We'd been struck by lightning. The storm hadn't even hit us.
2 more painful weeks passed and dad received a phone call from a hiker. He was on the kololoua trail saying he thought he was looking at Jesse's campsite. Dad flew straight back to Hawaii and hiked the kololoua to the assumed campsite and it was indeed Jesse's campsite.
How do we know??? Jesse's ipod was found along with other personal belongings that positively identified him at this campsite. I still have his shorts and favorite cowboy belt he always wore that were also found at the campsite. No signs of foul play. No notes. Just a clump of clothes on the ground, a back pack, tent, some wood gathered for a campfire, and a hammock. The pictures taken of the campsite are so eerie and troubling. My dad was able to find a pocket knife later in another search. He paid scuba divers to search the waters below. There are cliffs everywhere in Kauai, that if you fell off one it would be next to impossible to find you. If they did find you, due to the heat, depending on how long you had been missing, your body could be very hard, if not impossible, to identify.
After all the money my father paid and even my mother taking a trip over, still silence is all we have. I remember my mom telling me the most heartbreaking moment she had over there. She was in Jesse's apartment and packing up all his clothes to bring them home to Utah. As she looked at each shirt she was reminded of each moment she saw her beautiful boy wear each shirt. Tears welled in her eyes and she just put all the clothes in a pile on the bed and plopped herself on top of all her sweet little boys clothes and pulled them close into her arms. I pictured her like she was me, and how I would feel if it was my little boy. How I would just want to scoop up all those clothes and pretend they were my baby. She told me she closed her eyes and cried until she had no more tears to cry and then cried some more. While crying she would take a deep inhale of the clothes she held close to her face. "Oh, my sweet baby. Come home. Please. Let me hold you just one last time." She never wanted to move. Moving meant a part of her was letting go. Packing these clothes meant they would loose their scent. "I need that scent", "I miss him so much". The tears that were shed in that apartment are almost unbearable for me to even write about. My mother is an amazing woman with an amazing heart. Her love for her children is one of the greatest beauties in this entire world. When the beauty of a mothers love for her child has been shredded by untimely circumstance, (tragedy, murder, kidnapping, death, a child going missing, etc.), It is truly THE most heartbreaking things to witness. A mothers heartbreak is an unspeakable horror. I wish it for no woman in any circumstance, because the pain can be unbearable without help.
There is so much more to this story and the five years that have passed and I will be filling you all in as I can. Why am I doing this??? Well This is the 5th year Jesse has been missing we have done nothing for him. No funeral, No vigil, No nothing. For awhile, it was easy to just pretend he was on vacation and coming back soon. But that hasn't happened. So in his memory I wanted to start a blog about him and people like him. People who have gone missing. But I also wanted it to be a place for the missing person's family to be able to go to, to be able to connect with others who are like them with similar stories or backgrounds.
I would love it if you would like to tell your story just to me or if you wanted to, share it on this blog. I think we can make a difference in a lot of people's lives. I not only care about your story, I care about you and how you are dealing with it. This is not easy and we shouldn't be doing it alone.
Even if you don't have someone missing that you care about, depression is and suicide is a big thing we are fighting in my family. Please. I want to be here as someone who wants to help. I 'm here to say that it can and it does get better. If we would all just reach out we could all be strong together. Please join with me and even help me stand against what I fight each day.
In memory of my beautiful brother and his amazing life, lets choose to live our best life and not just survive it!!!
.
My Brother Darren......Missing (News Report)
Posted by Sarah
Darren's story reported by Brent Hunsaker published 2/08/2011
Payson man's body returned from Brazil after 42 days
PAYSON, Utah (ABC 4 News) - Darren Cook loved Brazil and its people. He had served in the northern part of the country as a missionary for the Church of J
esus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Four years later, he returned as a tourist.
He was also on the lookout for business opportunities. With both the World Cup and Olympics coming to Brazil, he thought there might be a way he could make money using his knowledge of the language and country.
But mostly, Darren Cook wanted an adventure. He left in November planning to stay four months.
While in Rio de Janeiro in mid-December, he took off by himself to explore the waterfalls outside of the city. He did not return. Five days later his body was found. He had apparently fallen off a cliff.
Kyle and Holly Cook were initially told through an interpreter only that the body of an American had been found, but by the description of the clothing they knew it was Darren.
Darren’s parents immediately set about to convince authorities of what they already knew.
They immediately sent Darren’s dental records via email only to be later told the digital files attached to the email were unacceptable. So, they sent physical copies of his dental x-rays by mail. They never arrived. They set another set by express mail. They arrived after seven days, but could only be retrieved by paying “a fee.”
“A half a world away and we just had no control. All we could do is call and beg,” said Darren’s father, Kyle Cook.
After authorities confirmed for themselves that the body was indeed Darren, then came the demands for money. On one particularly discouraging morning, Kyle Cook was awakened around 3:00 a.m. by a call telling him to deposit $29,000 in a Brazilian bank account. “You know I can’t come up with 29-thousand,” he remembers saying.
On another occasion he was told it would be cheaper to cremate the body. But as he looked into the option he discovered the supposed savings were eaten up in additional red tape and “fees.” “I don’t hate Brazil,” said Kyle Cook. “But I do have a problem with the bribes that are common.”
It seemed as if they would never be able to bring him home and would have to arrange for strangers to bury him in Brazil.
“There were days when I wondered if we were ever going to find the end to the nightmare that we were living,” said Holly Cook.
And in fact the Cook family believes that Darren’s body would still be in Brazil if it had not been for two “good Samaritans” – one in Utah and the other in Brazil – who volunteered their time and would not quit until the family, got closure.
Finally, after 42 agonizing days, the body came home and was buried in Payson.
“The US consulate called me 5 or 6 days after we had buried Darren and said, ‘Do you have any questions?’ And I said I’ve had 40 days of questions and nobody to ask those questions to. Where were you?”
Though Brazil’s economy has been the envy of South America and it’s won bids to host both the World Cup and summer Olympic Games, the Cook’s experience seems to show the country still has a long way to go to shed the image of a 3rd world country.
The Cooks don’t want their story to discourage other parents from allowing members of their own families to go to foreign countries. However, they want them to understand that if something goes wrong, the bureaucracies of those countries cannot be depended on to do the right thing.
Of Darren’s trip to Brazil, his mother Holly concluded, “I couldn’t hold him back. It was his dream to go, so we let him go. Just make sure you give them a hug before they leave.”
Darren's story reported by Brent Hunsaker published 2/08/2011
Payson man's body returned from Brazil after 42 days
PAYSON, Utah (ABC 4 News) - Darren Cook loved Brazil and its people. He had served in the northern part of the country as a missionary for the Church of J
esus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Four years later, he returned as a tourist.
He was also on the lookout for business opportunities. With both the World Cup and Olympics coming to Brazil, he thought there might be a way he could make money using his knowledge of the language and country.
But mostly, Darren Cook wanted an adventure. He left in November planning to stay four months.
While in Rio de Janeiro in mid-December, he took off by himself to explore the waterfalls outside of the city. He did not return. Five days later his body was found. He had apparently fallen off a cliff.
Kyle and Holly Cook were initially told through an interpreter only that the body of an American had been found, but by the description of the clothing they knew it was Darren.
Darren’s parents immediately set about to convince authorities of what they already knew.
They immediately sent Darren’s dental records via email only to be later told the digital files attached to the email were unacceptable. So, they sent physical copies of his dental x-rays by mail. They never arrived. They set another set by express mail. They arrived after seven days, but could only be retrieved by paying “a fee.”
“A half a world away and we just had no control. All we could do is call and beg,” said Darren’s father, Kyle Cook.
After authorities confirmed for themselves that the body was indeed Darren, then came the demands for money. On one particularly discouraging morning, Kyle Cook was awakened around 3:00 a.m. by a call telling him to deposit $29,000 in a Brazilian bank account. “You know I can’t come up with 29-thousand,” he remembers saying.
On another occasion he was told it would be cheaper to cremate the body. But as he looked into the option he discovered the supposed savings were eaten up in additional red tape and “fees.” “I don’t hate Brazil,” said Kyle Cook. “But I do have a problem with the bribes that are common.”
It seemed as if they would never be able to bring him home and would have to arrange for strangers to bury him in Brazil.
“There were days when I wondered if we were ever going to find the end to the nightmare that we were living,” said Holly Cook.
And in fact the Cook family believes that Darren’s body would still be in Brazil if it had not been for two “good Samaritans” – one in Utah and the other in Brazil – who volunteered their time and would not quit until the family, got closure.
Finally, after 42 agonizing days, the body came home and was buried in Payson.
“The US consulate called me 5 or 6 days after we had buried Darren and said, ‘Do you have any questions?’ And I said I’ve had 40 days of questions and nobody to ask those questions to. Where were you?”
Though Brazil’s economy has been the envy of South America and it’s won bids to host both the World Cup and summer Olympic Games, the Cook’s experience seems to show the country still has a long way to go to shed the image of a 3rd world country.
The Cooks don’t want their story to discourage other parents from allowing members of their own families to go to foreign countries. However, they want them to understand that if something goes wrong, the bureaucracies of those countries cannot be depended on to do the right thing.
Of Darren’s trip to Brazil, his mother Holly concluded, “I couldn’t hold him back. It was his dream to go, so we let him go. Just make sure you give them a hug before they leave.”
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Get your spring on!!
I see the morning dew so sweetly spread across the soft purple lilac meadow,
nothing but the breeze.
I see the ever lighting sky as the sun rises in the east,
yellow, orange, pink, red.
I see the shadows fade in to the background and watch my nightmare fall into the background,
faces, unrealistic expectations, timelines, duties
I close my eyes and take in my first breath of fresh air,
clean, smooth, refreshing, invigorating.
I open my eyes to a paradise sweet natural beauty.
free, balanced, peaceful, and quiet.
The smell of the lilacs are intoxicating and take my memories to great places.
Laughter, Smiles, Summer, Games.
As the sun keeps rising I feel its warmth upon my skin, warming my winter soul.
Cold, Long, Sad, Captive
So happy to see light,
So ready to end night,
cold be gone,
I want to get my summer on!!!
Yesterday was such a beautiful day and I hope and pray your day will be as good as mine was . I got too excited that spring is on its way I had to celebrate by writing something!!!! I can"t wait! May everyday be bright and full of your favorite things. I have to sometimes take a step back and look at the bigger picture. When I'm in it, I feel like it is a sloppy mess, but when I take a step back I realize I'm in the middle of making a Masterpiece:)
Love to my family during this week. Especially to Grandma. I love you. I will be writing a special post for you later!! I love you!!
nothing but the breeze.
I see the ever lighting sky as the sun rises in the east,
yellow, orange, pink, red.
I see the shadows fade in to the background and watch my nightmare fall into the background,
faces, unrealistic expectations, timelines, duties
I close my eyes and take in my first breath of fresh air,
clean, smooth, refreshing, invigorating.
I open my eyes to a paradise sweet natural beauty.
free, balanced, peaceful, and quiet.
The smell of the lilacs are intoxicating and take my memories to great places.
Laughter, Smiles, Summer, Games.
As the sun keeps rising I feel its warmth upon my skin, warming my winter soul.
Cold, Long, Sad, Captive
So happy to see light,
So ready to end night,
cold be gone,
I want to get my summer on!!!
Yesterday was such a beautiful day and I hope and pray your day will be as good as mine was . I got too excited that spring is on its way I had to celebrate by writing something!!!! I can"t wait! May everyday be bright and full of your favorite things. I have to sometimes take a step back and look at the bigger picture. When I'm in it, I feel like it is a sloppy mess, but when I take a step back I realize I'm in the middle of making a Masterpiece:)
Love to my family during this week. Especially to Grandma. I love you. I will be writing a special post for you later!! I love you!!
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Insomnia, kids, and poop
On occasion I am up at night because my thoughts just won't just shut off!!! Ohhhhhhh, and it's not about any thing important either. Just good old insomnia at its best. I love it.
So every night, and I do mean every night, our three year old Beckham sleeps with us. We try our hardest to get him in his own bed. I have put him back in his bed literally 5 times in one night. So we folded for the time being. Just like I folded with potty training.
Potty training was a totally different ball game with Becks. I thought it would be simple. It wasn't. I first started him in under wear and asked him every half hour or so if he needed to go pee-pee or poo-poo. He always said "No no, mama. I fine." so it wasn't quite time to make him try I thought, so I left the room for maybe 2 minutes. I come back and the heater vent has been removed and I smell something awful throughout the entire house. I go over to the heater vent and Beckham is sitting there all smiles saying,"Mama, I poo-pooed!!!!" and he points down the heater vent. "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" I thought. I could see the dried poo smear from the top of the vent and knew this was going to be a long clean up. Just so you are aware, the heater vent was running, so the smell is constantly being blasted in my face while I am cleaning this. Getting to the actual present was particularly nice. Had it been a little More solid life would have been better.
Life seemed a little more hopeful after that, Beckham had peed twice that day and no more heater business. I think we got him to know where the "real" potty was. The next day I awoke to a gross smell. A child poopey smell. Beckham was naked and running around. He was shouting, "I went poopie!!!" I was so excited so I checked all toilets..........no poop........no he didn't. "Beckham where did you poop?" and beckham smiled for a very long time but didn't answer. Then the heater turned on the entire house was filled with the smell of poo. I hurried and searched each vent. Finally I found it and cleaned it as thorooughly as possible. I have never been so frustraited.
He did it again the next day except this time I caught him. We were in the middle of afternoon nap and I decided to lay down this time. I woke to seeing two cute little butt cheeks and a stream a of pee spraying between his legs. I said, "That's it!!! I fold!! YOU WIN!!! Here are your diapers. I a m not up for this. We will try in a month. Beckham smiled. He knew He had just won. But guess what? I didn't care at that point. cleaning that vent was so gross. I need to develop a new tactical plan.
I'm also a big snuggler with my kids. At any given moment Kirt and I have at least one if not 2 kids in bed with us at a time...........we need it to stop. I love them but my brain has been zapped. It doesn't work anymore.
If any of you out there have suggestions on how to prevent your child from pooping in a vent that would be most helpful. Or, if you had any suggestion from keeping all four of your children from waking you up every single night that would help too. Love my babies just wish I had it all figured out!!!
So every night, and I do mean every night, our three year old Beckham sleeps with us. We try our hardest to get him in his own bed. I have put him back in his bed literally 5 times in one night. So we folded for the time being. Just like I folded with potty training.
Potty training was a totally different ball game with Becks. I thought it would be simple. It wasn't. I first started him in under wear and asked him every half hour or so if he needed to go pee-pee or poo-poo. He always said "No no, mama. I fine." so it wasn't quite time to make him try I thought, so I left the room for maybe 2 minutes. I come back and the heater vent has been removed and I smell something awful throughout the entire house. I go over to the heater vent and Beckham is sitting there all smiles saying,"Mama, I poo-pooed!!!!" and he points down the heater vent. "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" I thought. I could see the dried poo smear from the top of the vent and knew this was going to be a long clean up. Just so you are aware, the heater vent was running, so the smell is constantly being blasted in my face while I am cleaning this. Getting to the actual present was particularly nice. Had it been a little More solid life would have been better.
Life seemed a little more hopeful after that, Beckham had peed twice that day and no more heater business. I think we got him to know where the "real" potty was. The next day I awoke to a gross smell. A child poopey smell. Beckham was naked and running around. He was shouting, "I went poopie!!!" I was so excited so I checked all toilets..........no poop........no he didn't. "Beckham where did you poop?" and beckham smiled for a very long time but didn't answer. Then the heater turned on the entire house was filled with the smell of poo. I hurried and searched each vent. Finally I found it and cleaned it as thorooughly as possible. I have never been so frustraited.
He did it again the next day except this time I caught him. We were in the middle of afternoon nap and I decided to lay down this time. I woke to seeing two cute little butt cheeks and a stream a of pee spraying between his legs. I said, "That's it!!! I fold!! YOU WIN!!! Here are your diapers. I a m not up for this. We will try in a month. Beckham smiled. He knew He had just won. But guess what? I didn't care at that point. cleaning that vent was so gross. I need to develop a new tactical plan.
I'm also a big snuggler with my kids. At any given moment Kirt and I have at least one if not 2 kids in bed with us at a time...........we need it to stop. I love them but my brain has been zapped. It doesn't work anymore.
If any of you out there have suggestions on how to prevent your child from pooping in a vent that would be most helpful. Or, if you had any suggestion from keeping all four of your children from waking you up every single night that would help too. Love my babies just wish I had it all figured out!!!
Sunday, March 10, 2013
THE BEGGARS PRAYER
To the heavens above from the earth below:
Hear the words of a simple beggars prayer.
Please let him know that you are there.
He walks in the shadows
because he's wanted in the gallows.
A life led in lies
with no family ties.
A child never wanted
His dreams always haunted.
Hopes of Redemption,
but thoughts of Contention.
No end in site,
Life has always been a fight.
He only tweny-three,
If only he could see.
A tear fall down his face,
as he looked back upon this place.
If only he knew of God's redeeming grace.
He fell upon his knees
and prayed to the his Lord Jesus, "Please..."
No others words were spoken
the man felt so incredibly broken.
In the silence he wept
for days he had not slept.
Christ's word's remained in his mind
be clean of body, thought, and mind.
So great was his remorse
so great was his plea
So great was his lord's plan.
His knee raw from kneeling
disappointed he had not received healing.
but suddenly a warmth.;
A calm, loving, beautiful warmth.
It filled his entire body
it made him feel like he was the most loved of everybody.
he fell upon his knees
and prayed to his Lord Jesus, "Please.....
".......Never shall I walk away from you. Never shall I fall. I thank you for the life you have given me that is what I love most of all. With out my choices I would not know trials. With out trials I would not know challenges. Without challenges I would have never been pushed to my limit. With out being pushed to my limit I would have never come looking for you. Come looking for something bigger than myself. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord........I love thee."
Anonymous
Hear the words of a simple beggars prayer.
Please let him know that you are there.
He walks in the shadows
because he's wanted in the gallows.
A life led in lies
with no family ties.
A child never wanted
His dreams always haunted.
Hopes of Redemption,
but thoughts of Contention.
No end in site,
Life has always been a fight.
He only tweny-three,
If only he could see.
A tear fall down his face,
as he looked back upon this place.
If only he knew of God's redeeming grace.
He fell upon his knees
and prayed to the his Lord Jesus, "Please..."
No others words were spoken
the man felt so incredibly broken.
In the silence he wept
for days he had not slept.
Christ's word's remained in his mind
be clean of body, thought, and mind.
So great was his remorse
so great was his plea
So great was his lord's plan.
His knee raw from kneeling
disappointed he had not received healing.
but suddenly a warmth.;
A calm, loving, beautiful warmth.
It filled his entire body
it made him feel like he was the most loved of everybody.
he fell upon his knees
and prayed to his Lord Jesus, "Please.....
".......Never shall I walk away from you. Never shall I fall. I thank you for the life you have given me that is what I love most of all. With out my choices I would not know trials. With out trials I would not know challenges. Without challenges I would have never been pushed to my limit. With out being pushed to my limit I would have never come looking for you. Come looking for something bigger than myself. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord........I love thee."
Anonymous
It's not about waiting for the storm to pass....
How are we coping as a family now after 5 years???
I wish I could tell you we all handled this all so well and we are all so great. I wish I could tell you everyone had some sort of closure. Maybe some of us had a dream where Jesse came to them and told them he was so happy and he was in a better place. I wish I could tell you everyone was happy spiritually. Not to say that we were all apart of the same religion, but to say that we were at peace with ourselves and God. I'd like to say that we have all come to grips with our internal conflicts with Jesse going missing. I wish I could say that my my heart is healed, but it is broken. That is one thing that I have accepted, for now. I am in the process of healing and finally comfortable with however long it may take to heal. I tried to push the process and it only made it worse.
Some of my family members have found closure and I am so happy for them. Their personal experiences give me great comfort and I am so grateful for them in my life. Others are truly struggling. Depression is a very real thing. Everyday I worry I may loose a family member to it and thank god each day I don't.
My family was and still is such a fun and funny family. Life, for most people, does not turn out the way we plan it to. Most of the time, not even how we want it to. Life is what we make of it. I have learned a positive attitude and a giving heart makes all the difference. 2 people's lives could be exactly the same as far as events go, but because of different attitudes one ends up living a life full of love and happiness and the other a life full of anger and guilt.
For 4 years I was mad at God for taking Jesse from us. For confusing us like that. The worst part was, I didn't even know I was mad at God. I just stopped communicating with the outside world. I have always been a very spiritual person and loved the idea of something greater and bigger than us. I had always found peace in my faith and loved feeling close to God. Once Jesse went missing, I just stopped everything. I didn't even realize that is what I did. Until one day.
I had a person in my life who was struggling very much and expressed that they were very angry with god. It was then I realized, I too, was furious with God. I thought to myself, "For what though?". I thought for a long time. What makes me so special that I should be the exception on not having this challenge??? This could have happened to anyone. It just ended up happening to me. Why should I be so bitter?
I then thought over the last 4 years and realized I had wasted them.What good does it do to hate God? What good does it do to hate anybody? I can tell you after 4 four wasted years it does you no good. It just eats you up. It makes you miserable. If you do it long enough it can destroy the beautiful person you are.
Tell me this. If you hate God, does it make a difference in your life? Yes. If you leave god out of your life does it make a difference in your life? Yes. For both of these questions: Is it a negative or positive experience??? This is completely my opinion and from my experience; but I believe it is a very negative experience. I always felt like there was something missing. I was never fully satisfied with my life. I was always depressed. Even on my very best days I still felt a little sad. I didn't know it was because I was lacking in developing my spiritual side. Spirituality is a key to happiness that I think a lot of us overlook. It is well worth our time to develop it and serve others around us. The world needs more of it. Hating God is a waste of your time. Find something better to do. You are only doing yourself a disservice.
There is another saying I love and I am not a preachy person, so forgive this entire page:) But goes something like, "If you thought life was to be one full of sunshine and pretty flowers, scattered with only a few storms; you are in for a great disappointment. For life was meant to have many storms scattered with little showers, to make room for the beautiful moments of sunshine and rainbows that will fill our memories and our hearts to give us strength to make it through the hurricanes that will try to drag us down. It is the storms that make the beautiful moments even more beautiful. Cherish them. Embrace them. Love them." niki
I wish I could tell you we all handled this all so well and we are all so great. I wish I could tell you everyone had some sort of closure. Maybe some of us had a dream where Jesse came to them and told them he was so happy and he was in a better place. I wish I could tell you everyone was happy spiritually. Not to say that we were all apart of the same religion, but to say that we were at peace with ourselves and God. I'd like to say that we have all come to grips with our internal conflicts with Jesse going missing. I wish I could say that my my heart is healed, but it is broken. That is one thing that I have accepted, for now. I am in the process of healing and finally comfortable with however long it may take to heal. I tried to push the process and it only made it worse.
Some of my family members have found closure and I am so happy for them. Their personal experiences give me great comfort and I am so grateful for them in my life. Others are truly struggling. Depression is a very real thing. Everyday I worry I may loose a family member to it and thank god each day I don't.
My family was and still is such a fun and funny family. Life, for most people, does not turn out the way we plan it to. Most of the time, not even how we want it to. Life is what we make of it. I have learned a positive attitude and a giving heart makes all the difference. 2 people's lives could be exactly the same as far as events go, but because of different attitudes one ends up living a life full of love and happiness and the other a life full of anger and guilt.
For 4 years I was mad at God for taking Jesse from us. For confusing us like that. The worst part was, I didn't even know I was mad at God. I just stopped communicating with the outside world. I have always been a very spiritual person and loved the idea of something greater and bigger than us. I had always found peace in my faith and loved feeling close to God. Once Jesse went missing, I just stopped everything. I didn't even realize that is what I did. Until one day.
I had a person in my life who was struggling very much and expressed that they were very angry with god. It was then I realized, I too, was furious with God. I thought to myself, "For what though?". I thought for a long time. What makes me so special that I should be the exception on not having this challenge??? This could have happened to anyone. It just ended up happening to me. Why should I be so bitter?
I then thought over the last 4 years and realized I had wasted them.What good does it do to hate God? What good does it do to hate anybody? I can tell you after 4 four wasted years it does you no good. It just eats you up. It makes you miserable. If you do it long enough it can destroy the beautiful person you are.
Tell me this. If you hate God, does it make a difference in your life? Yes. If you leave god out of your life does it make a difference in your life? Yes. For both of these questions: Is it a negative or positive experience??? This is completely my opinion and from my experience; but I believe it is a very negative experience. I always felt like there was something missing. I was never fully satisfied with my life. I was always depressed. Even on my very best days I still felt a little sad. I didn't know it was because I was lacking in developing my spiritual side. Spirituality is a key to happiness that I think a lot of us overlook. It is well worth our time to develop it and serve others around us. The world needs more of it. Hating God is a waste of your time. Find something better to do. You are only doing yourself a disservice.
There is another saying I love and I am not a preachy person, so forgive this entire page:) But goes something like, "If you thought life was to be one full of sunshine and pretty flowers, scattered with only a few storms; you are in for a great disappointment. For life was meant to have many storms scattered with little showers, to make room for the beautiful moments of sunshine and rainbows that will fill our memories and our hearts to give us strength to make it through the hurricanes that will try to drag us down. It is the storms that make the beautiful moments even more beautiful. Cherish them. Embrace them. Love them." niki
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