It's not about waiting for the storm to pass....

      How are we coping as a family now after 5 years???

       I wish I could tell you we all handled this all so well and we are all so great. I wish I could tell you everyone had some sort of closure. Maybe some of us had a dream where Jesse came to them and told them he was so happy and he was in a better place. I wish I could tell you everyone was happy spiritually. Not to say that we were all apart of the same religion, but to say that we were at peace with  ourselves and God. I'd like to say that we have all come to grips with our internal conflicts with Jesse going missing. I wish I could say that my my heart is healed, but it is broken. That is one thing that I have accepted, for now. I am in the process of healing and finally comfortable with however long it may take to heal. I tried to push the process and it only made it worse.
      Some of my family members have found closure and I am so happy for them. Their personal experiences give me great comfort and I am so grateful for them in my life. Others are truly struggling. Depression is a very real thing. Everyday I worry I may loose a family member to it and thank god each day I don't.
       My family was and still is such a fun and funny family. Life, for most people, does not turn out the way we plan it to. Most of the time, not even how we want it to. Life is what we make of it. I have learned a positive attitude and a giving heart makes all the difference. 2 people's lives could be exactly the same as far as events go, but because of different attitudes one ends up living a life full of love and happiness and the other a life full of anger and guilt.
     For 4 years I was mad at God for taking Jesse from us. For confusing us like that. The worst part was, I didn't even know I was mad at God. I just stopped communicating with the outside world. I have always been a very spiritual person and loved the idea of something greater and bigger than us. I had always found peace in my faith and loved feeling close to God. Once Jesse went missing, I just stopped everything. I didn't even realize that is what I did. Until one day.
      I had a person in my life who was struggling very much and expressed that they were very angry with god. It was then I realized, I too, was furious with God. I thought to myself, "For what though?". I thought for a long time. What makes me so special that I should be the exception on not having this challenge??? This could have happened to anyone. It just ended up happening to me. Why should I be so bitter?
         I then thought over the last 4 years and realized I had wasted them.What good does it do to hate God? What good does it do to hate anybody? I can tell you after 4 four wasted years it does you no good. It just eats you up. It makes you miserable. If you do it long enough it can destroy the beautiful person you are.
       Tell me this. If you hate God, does it make a difference in your life? Yes. If you leave god out of  your life does it make a difference in your life? Yes. For both of these questions: Is it a negative or positive experience???  This is completely my opinion and from my experience; but I believe it is a very negative experience. I always felt like there was something missing. I was never fully satisfied with my life. I was always depressed. Even on my very best days I still felt a little sad. I didn't know it was because I was lacking in developing my spiritual side. Spirituality is a key to happiness that I think a lot of us overlook. It is well worth our time to develop it and serve others around us. The world needs more of it. Hating God is a waste of your time. Find something better to do. You are only doing yourself a disservice.
      There is another saying I love and I am not a preachy person, so forgive this entire page:) But goes something like, "If you thought life was to be one full of sunshine and pretty flowers, scattered with only a few storms; you are in for a great disappointment. For life was meant to have many storms scattered with little showers, to make room for the beautiful moments of sunshine and rainbows that will fill our memories and our hearts to give us strength to make it through the hurricanes that will try to drag us down. It is the storms that make the beautiful moments even more beautiful. Cherish them. Embrace them. Love them."                           niki