Operation Day....Part #1

I've had two surgeries since the beginning of this year. One was elective and one was unexpected.

I have thought and thought about whether or not to post about these experiences and I have come to the conclusion, that each experience can either tear you down or wake you up and build you into a new and better person.

Each time I face a challenge, I face that choice. Let it tear me down, or let it let it build me up.

Challenge #1:   Elective surgery

I've been saying since I was 16 that I would get breast augmentation. So when the money was saved up I was the first one in line to the plastic surgeons door. I set a date and was ready to go!!!

I was so excited.

Now. I think all women's bodies are beautiful so to each their own opinion. For me, I thought my self esteem could use some help and this might do the trick.

I was nervous for the surgery but figured that was normal.

I waited and waited and waited.

Finally it was surgery day!

Here's where the story starts to twist. Here is where my challenge begins.

I get prepped for surgery, say goodbye to my husband, and last thing I remember thinking is, "Next time I wake up.......I will have boobs!"

Instead.......I woke to a nightmare.

The two figures in front of me were incredibly blurry.  Despite the disfigured people I saw in front of me, I could tell one was some kind of medical staff and the other, my husband.

I try with all my might to keep my eyes open, because I can hear them whispering to each other. My intuition kicked in and I could tell by the feeling in the room, something wasn't right.

"Should you tell her, or should I?" says a woman's voice.

"No. I can tell her." says kirt.

"Teeeeeeellllllll  mmmmmeeeeeee    wwwhhhhaaatttttt?????" I slowly slur.

They both turn. Not only surprised I am awake but that I am understanding what they have been talking about.

Kirt rushes to my side.

"Hey babe......You're awake! How are you feeling? What can I-----"

"Tell me what?!"  I interrupt him.

"Oh honey. You just woke up. Maybe--"

"Tell me what?!" I ask again.

Kirt hesitates for a moment and my heart sinks a little and I don't know why, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry niki.......it didn't work......."
 
I look down at my chest and it is wrapped and I feel pain. I am so confused. I try to sit up and am too weak. A single tear falls down my cheek and I say....

"What do you mean it didn't work?"

So Kirt began to explain.

It turns out that I have a severe, severe, severe connective tissue disorder. We knew I had a connective tissue disorder, we just didn't know how severe. Despite this knowledge, we all felt that plastic surgery would be ok for my body. The Surgeon proceeded with the surgery and as soon as he opened me up, to his surprise, I had slim to no connective tissue to work with. (Apparrently, if you have no connective tissue, there is nothing to hold the implant in place.)

When he made the incision, instead of having to cut through flesh and connective tissue to get through or close to the chest muscle, my chest just opened straight to the chest muscle. There was just no connective tissue to work with.

On top of that my blood vessel walls were so weak that every time he tried to move tissue out of the way to see if he could put the implant in, the blood vessels would rupture.

I was told the bleeding was very hard to control. The doctor faced a decision he had never had to face in his 20 years of practicing plastic surgery.

He cancelled the surgery.

He told me later how shocked he was at the situation he was faced with. But knew deep down inside my body could never handle those implants. He followed his gut.

He name is Dr, Rose. I would recommend him to anyone. He puts the patient first.

Meanwhile, I was in pure shock. "How could this happen? Is this some kind of crazy joke? I'm so confused."

In fact everyone in that clinic was shocked. My surgery was a first for all of them. And apparently my body was one big medical mystery to them. They had no idea how I was still able to function with how delicate my body is internally.

One Nurse came over to my bedside as I was still trying to process all of this new information and said, "I'm so sorry about all of this. This must be just aweful for you."

I smiled and nodded and thanked her for her concern.

She then stated, "Well, I'm guessing you don't have any children then, do you?"

"Actually yes, I have four children. Why?"

"Oh my gosh!" You should be dead by now!!! With the connective tissue disorder that you have you should've bled out with the first child you had. WOW! Someone's watching out for you, girl!"

Now I know she meant this in the kindest way possible, but, she scared the crap out of me.

This was too much to process all at once. I needed to sleep. Boobs or no boobs, a good check out of life for a few hours would do me some good.



And that is how Surgery #1 went. But the challenges I had to face were far from over....


Emotional Scarring

I felt so ugly.

I had not only had surgery and felt crappy, but,  I had just had a Failed boob job.

My failed boob job means=I get to heal just like someone who had an actual boob job and I have all the scars of an actual boob job, BUT, I DO NOT have the implants.

Now, I am sooooooo grateful for  my the way my "failed boob job" went. Because as far as failed boob jobs go, mine went pretty smoothly. It failed and I moved on. I've heard of other failed boob jobs who aren't so lucky. So I'll take what God blesses me with. It's just the emotional scarring that is hard to deal with.

I've always had a poor self image of myself. I wish I didn't. Even when I had a great body and no kids and ran 5 miles a day I still thought I could look better. Wow. If only I could rewind time:)

I thought this surgery would "fix" me.

Naked and me don't mix. I am sooooo self conscious. I HATE my husband seeing me naked. I thought this surgery would "fix" the way I feel about myself.

Instead, I just added more scars to my body. I cried for the first week straight.

Now this isn't going to be some cheesy inspirational "I found myself" story. Because I battle my self image everytime I look in the mirror. The first thought that comes to my mind is not positive. BUT.......I turn it into one.

The scars on my body are permanant. Slowly those scars on my body are getting lighter. I wake up each day and look at myself in the mirror and sadly, subconciously think those negative thoughts but always try to change then into a positive. As I have done this, I have noticed my perspective truly is changing.

I'm actually starting to believe I don't need fixing anymore.


(PART 1 Of 2)  Part 2 "Operation Day" Prolapse

Silence in Peace

I see shadows dancing across my face as the moon glistens upon the soft diamond snow. I am amazed at the deafening silence the wintery woods hold in their seemingly innocent stillness.

I am alone.

Exhale.

My breath, a cloud white mist, seems to be the trumpet of this quiet mountain.

The moon is my flashlight and reflects off of each crystal of snow that exists to be seen. The woods seem to be lit as far as the eye can see.

Midnight appears to be midday.

I smile.

Overwhelming silence brings to pass a deep warmth inside my heart.

I have found my silence in peace.

My peace in paradise.

My paradise within.

As my gaze circle's; each aspen appears to be perfectly spaced as if this forest had been planted by man and not naturally bloomed at random by god's great hand.

Inhale.

The crisp air fills my lungs entirely and I am alive. Filled with renewed energy and new sense of self.
My mind is clear as my eyes travel up to the moonlit sky.

Each star is like a  bright diamond that competes for your attention. Flashing at different moments as if screaming for you to look at only one, while wanting to look at them all as a whole.

Breathtaking.

I take a step towards the only place I can.

Forward.

No longer am I facing the past, but the here and now.

The present.

I am here in this space. Surrounded by such beauty. My heart is open......soft.

I have been reset.

I am ready.

Ready to face the world.

Ready to face my challenges.

Challenges come.

I'm ready for the fight.

Because I know I will win.

Because I took a moment,

Reset,

and found my silence in peace.

Malaysia Flight 370

First of all I hate the title of my post.

It really should be the names of all the people on Malaysia Flight 370. Not a plane and its' number. Each one of them deserves to be recognized, noticed, loved, and searched for till the end of time.

I wish I could tell you I know how you feel. But I don't. My brother went missing 6 years ago without a trace, and his absence consumed my every moment of living.

Every missing person case is different. Sadly, yours is one for the history books.

I haven't written anything about this because I, like I'm sure the entire world, have been in complete and total shock. How does a plane just disappear?

When the news of Jesse's (my brother), disappearance hit, I was so upset. So scared. So worried. A million different scenarios played out in my head and I nearly lost it right then and there.

"My brother is missing? WHAT?! YOU ARE LYING. This only happens in the movies, this is not real life. Wake up niki.......wake up!!!!"

I still have not waken from that nightmare.

I pray with every part of my heart you wake up from yours and news will come as soon as possible about your loved one.

Surround yourself with only the best of friends. Those who lift you up and keep your spirits high. No one should ever tell you how you should be feeling or how long you should be feeling a certain way.

 Because all in one day you can go from waking up and feeling like today is the day they will find them. Then the next hour you find yourself bargaining with god to do something.......ANYTHING, to get them back to you.

I remember the worst part about Jesse going missing was the anger. I was SO ANGRY! No one did enough. No one had any answers. I literally wanted to kill someone. (figuratively) "HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING???" Nothing was good enough. Nothing was fast enough. Nothing could calm me. I was a wreck! I fluctuated in between anger and bargaining a lot!

Then a few hours or a day might pass and I've found myself in denial about the entire thing. I have at one time convinced myself that Jesse is on an extended vacation and has just forgot to call for awhile. It helped me deal with the day, or so I thought.

I've even crept over to accepting that this just might be my situation and I may never know where my baby brother went missing to. But that road to acceptance is so incredibly hard to travel down. I am six years out and I still think I could still get answers. And it is ok to think that. Good friends don't crush hope, they support it.

Find good people to confide in. Get a good support system. They are your life line and you need them........YOU NEED THEM.

Before I talk about this next part, please know I am just as hopeful as anyone that your loved one is alive and well and soon this night mare soon will be over. I pray everyday that this is all some crazy misunderstanding and they are safe somewhere and everything is fine. I have so much love and hope for you all and I wish only the best for your families!

You might or might not have found by now that your head kind of spins in a little circle.

This constant cycle is what I call "The Circle of Grief" instead of the "Cycle of Grief".  There just seems to be no end to your mourning because there is no closure. Instead of just going through the grieving process like normal people, we keep doing circles because we have no closure. Without closure, it is very difficult to move on. But not impossible.

This grief I am talking about has an actual dictionary name as well........it is called Ambiguous Loss: or Frozen Grief.  I've written  2 entire posts about it if you want to know more about it. I also have some references to some books that were quite helpful to me as well. The post is called Ambiguous Loss: Frozen Grief.

My heart goes out to all of you that has lost a loved one. I loved and still love my brother very much. The people who are currently looking for their loved ones from Malaysia Flight 370, You are incredible. I am sick to my stomach that this could even happen in the world today. It shouldn't be possible. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.

My blog gets 100 to 150 hits a day. If anyone wants their loved ones story told, please let me know and I would love to post it, and help get your story out there.

Love to all of you out there who are struggling or in need of comfort this night. I wish you all my love and truly hope tomorrow brings sunshine and warmth to your day.

New Normals

I constantly find myself resetting. Finding new normals each day, each week, maybe even each minute.                                                                                                                                        

But what is  normal? Some idea I've made up in my head as the perfect way life
should be lived? Because, for some reason my idea of normal always makes me end up falling short of my own expectations. And to this day, I don't even know what I expect from myself.

I'm sitting here in the hospital next to my baby little boy. He has just had an MRI of his brain to try and see why he keeps having so many headaches each and every day.

"I am fine." I keep telling myself. "This situation is just fine. Everyone goes through difficult times. Maybe this will be one of them."

But the constant beeping was going to drive me insane!! Every few seconds a beep, beep, beep, beep.......

Beckham had been sedated for the MRI. So, he had to stay awhile and be hooked up to a monitor at the hospital to ensure his safety. At the same time, the little beeping gave some sort of comfort. It was telling me my son was breathing and his cute little heart was beating.

That didn't stop me from having thoughts of throwing it across the room in hopes to hear it shatter in to a thousands pieces...........

"OK, maybeeeee...............I'm not fine. Maybe I am a little freaked out that it has come this far to figure out why my son is having headaches."

I don't know about you, but I am a freaking psycho when it comes to my kids and what "could" be wrong with them.

For instance, if my child suddenly got some crazy rash, all the worst scenarios play out in my head immediately.

"It's chicken pox for sure. Wait! What if its the measles? It's the plague. I just know it. It's the plague."

OK, maybe not that extreme as the plague. But you get the point. Plus, I'm not an idiot.......most of the time:)

It seemed like an eternity, but little becks woke up, acted a little drunk, and was just fine.

The Radiologist came in, which has never happened in my life. They usually look at your images and send them to your doctor and then you get the results. He informed us that everything looked normal for Beckham.

I didn't realize it but my entire body had been flexed. When he said those words, I felt my entire body relax.

Life is constantly changing. We have to adapt to each change as they come. Good or bad. Whether it is going back to school, a new job, a loved one sent off to war, a new baby, the loss of a loved one, moving.........all kinds of different things.

They cause us at first to be unbalanced. A power struggle. Seeking your new normal. But here is what I have realized while trying to have a perfect house, with a perfect schedule, and a perfect smile to go with it.

It's crap.

Life is not normal. So if you are seeking it, stop. Life is full of beauty and mystery. It changes daily. Just like the whether is, so are our lives. Full of light and warmth. Our thunder storms come unexpectedly and can last longer than we would like. But through the storm always comes the light.

Expect the unexpected. You are your new normal. Love who you are today not who you will be tomorrow.

I'm so grateful baby Becks is in the clear. Thank you for all the prayers. Most of all thank you God for giving me the blessing of a healthy baby boy.

Never Forgotten

Forgive me if sometimes I beat this subject over and over like a dirty, old, dead, gross, dusty, door mat. BUT---I was watching the news the other day and I just have to get this off my chest or I think I might just burst. And we all know that is a remedy for disaster.....

I was watching the news the other night and I saw an update on a young man who had been held captive most of his life. He had gone missing when he was about 6 and finally found at about 17 years of age.

The interview was quite fascinating. His point of view and his optimism on life was truly admirable. At one point the person giving the interview just stopped the man in the middle of answering one of her questions and said. "How is it that after so long in captivity, you didn't just loose hope of ever escaping?" The man stopped, but stopped for just a moment to think. Just a moment. Looked up at the person giving the interview and said. "Because they never gave up." Tears began to well up inside the mans eyes.


He was talking about his mother and father.

For those long eleven years his parents continued on their quest looking for their son. Never forgetting that he could still be alive. I do not remember this young man's name so I am going to call him Steve.

While Steve was held in captivity he was allowed to watch TV. On occaison he would see news clippings of his parents. Still, after all these years looking for their son, trying to spread the word about their missing son.

On occasion Steven was able to sneak and get access to a computer and surf the internet. He was able to see his parents website that was dedicated to him.  They continued to update it for eleven years, giving Steven the strength to endure his captivity. His courage is truly inspiring.

Now......I know Stevens' case is unique. And most of the time a missing persons case doesn't end up that way. In fact, EVERY missing person case is different and UNIQUE.

Life is full of surprises. One day life is normal and then it is never the same again. It shifts. A new normal needs to be found.

The one thing I am so amazed at is the power of love. People say you can't see it, but that isn't true. It glistens in the eyes of the ones who love you back.

The people I love have such a strong hold on my heart. Forgetting them would be impossible. This blog will forever be dedicated to Jesse. When I write on it, I will always have him on my mind. (even if I don't mention him in the post.) So if you are out there Jesse, know we haven't forgotten you. (and you better come home......that is a threat;) We will never loose hope.

I do feel very blessed in my life. I've had a very happy one. I've learned so much. My kids are my greatest gifts and my husband my best friend. Thank you all for all your support and love. It has truly helped so much. Thank you. Thank you!

Trials Define Me....?

It has been a long time since I last posted. After Jesse's memorial I couldn't see myself ever writing again. I had feared writing would stir up feelings inside me I didn't want to feel anymore. BUT---late, late, late last night I decided to check my blog and read some old posts.

To my surprise, I had seven new messages waiting for me to read. Most of them were from anonymous people. Each message was a compliment of some kind. I was shocked. I didn't think anyone read this blog besides family. Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. It gave me courage when I thought I had none.

I've been honest in my thoughts and struggles I have had throughout these past 5 years without my little brother. For people to say some of my posts have helped them means more to me than anyone could ever know. If this blog has impacted ANYONE it has been worth the effort.

Over the past 3 months I have done a lot of thinking and healing. The memorial did more for me than I ever thought possible. It made me realize what I let my trials do to me. I was my trial.

Everyone is different and unique. Every experience we have in life influences us into the people we are today. Some people are soft spoken, some are loud, some are opinionated and judgmental. Our personalities and view on life is shaped by the trials we have faced. How we respond to each trial is what makes you strong or breaks you down.

My trials were in control of me. They made all of the decisions. They called all of the shots. I was broken. I knew I was broken. It was if I accepted that this was how it was and there is nothing I can do about it. I surrendered to my trials. They had won. I gave up.

Every time I thought I hit rock bottom the floor dropped another 5 feet. Rock bottom didn't seem to exist anymore. It was an endless hole I had fallen into. I had no hope of crawling out. I accepted my black hole.

Soon happiness seemed like a foreign word. I couldn't remember what the word even meant. This was my new normal. I felt a deep panic inside of me. My only thought was, "RUN!!!". I wanted to run away from everything. Run from the pain and confusion. Most of all, I wanted to run away from my responsibilities.  "It was too much", I told myself. I wanted simple. I wanted to disappear.

Kirt, my husband, had no idea how to help me. He couldn't help me. I was the only person who could help me.

I had a choice to make. Take this trial and learn from it and use it as a stepping stone in my life. OR, let this trial define me and control every aspect of my life.

Some trials can seem like the highest mountain. They can seem like they will never end. There is no top, just a steeper and steeper climb.

I think back to when this trial began and then see what my life is now because of it. I had to make a decision. Give in or get up.

I decided to get up. I prayed to God. "I am not strong enough. I am too weak. I can't do this on my own. Help me give this trial to you. Help me believe again. Take this pain away from me.....please?"

It took a little while but slowly my pain lessened. The anger and resentment I had felt towards life had finally left me. My trial no longer defined me. I defined it.

Everyone has challenges in their life. Some people I have met and talked to them about a challenge or trial they are facing. I have caught myself saying, "I could never handle that trial." How are they able to move on with their life and be so happy??? Then, I think of my own trials and am grateful for the trials I am faced with. I am grateful my trials are mine and their trials are theirs.

Trials can make you strong and teach you understanding. I am so grateful for what I have learned from my brothers disappearance. Although I would prefer he never went missing, the priceless lessons I have learned and the friendships I have made because of this trial are irreplaceable.

I view the world differently. I have learned that each challenge in life could always be worse than it is at the moment. I have learned to always try to look at a situation at every angle possible. How can I learn from this? What could this teach me?

My brother's disappearance taught me to appreciate family a million times more. They are a precious gift in this life. You never know if the moments you spend with them will be your last. I have learned to treat them more kindly and really appreciate who they are and what they mean to me. Sometimes we treat those we love the most, the worst, and those we know the least, the best. I am trying my best to make those special in my life a priority and not take them for granted. I love you guys!

Most importantly, Jesse taught me to live life to the fullest and then even a little more. Life has its ups, downs, twists and turns, but it is always beautiful. Some days it might not feel like it will ever be beautiful again. Sometimes it can be dark and lonely. But, the sunlight will come. It may take awhile, but it does eventually come. You will have the courage and the strength to fight another day.

And please believe me when I say it is worth fighting for.

I found my missing piece.....

After a long break, I am finally able to write again. In the past 4 weeks we have moved, gone to Lake Powell for a week, and planned and attended my brothers memorial......so writing just wasn't possible.

Inner peace. For five years I have had a deep hole in my heart. One that I thought would never mend. Inner peace was only a dream for me. But.....I am here to say, hearts can mend. There is life after tragedy, and the only way to mend that heart is by facing your challenge head on.

Thursday, July 11, 2013, was a life saving day. It was the day of my brother's memorial.

I had no idea how much I needed this.

I have finally received closure from an impossible situation.

Everyone in the family spoke. When it came to be my turn, I was sobbing. I thought I would never make it through my talk. But, amazingly, I was able to calm my crying and talk about my baby brother.

After I spoke a great peace came over me. I had faced my biggest fear. I felt so happy,

To celebrate jesse's life was what our family needed. Emotions were high, but in the end peace is all I felt.

I wanted jesse to know how much I loved him. How much I cared. I haven't been able to speak about him in public since he left.

A great weight has been lifted off me. I was finally able to do something for one of my best friends. That is what the missing piece was to my healing process. I found my missing piece!!!!

Isn't it strange, that the things that we feel most afraid of aren't really that scary once you finally face them.

I am so grateful to feel I have celebrated my brother's life. It was the last piece in finding a way to have some sort of closure.

I may never know where jesse is in this life. And that in itself is a true tragedy. But I finally found a way to look beyond my pain and beyond sorrows. 

I am for the first time in five years, excited for life. Excited to wake up in the morning. I love life again!!

After all my family has been through, I can honestly say, god works his miracles. I could have turned away and been bitter with the world. But through gods tender whispers and gentle touch, He carried me through this. Some days I was lucky to be alive. He saved me in more ways I can count. Thank you.

To my brother Jesse:
     My life will never be complete until I will see you again. The ache of your disappearance nearly killed me. But through constant prayer and after constant praying I have found peace.

I know I will see you. There is no doubt in my mind our lives will intersect again. I love you, my cute sweet baby brother. Life with out you will always seem wrong. Family dinners are meant to be with you. They will never be the same.

But my love for you is more than this life. It expands into the eternities. That love for you has kept me strong in a weak situation. You lived life so carefree. You taught me to not take my life so seriously. I love everything about you.

I can honestly say, had god not litterally lifted me up off the floor I had been laying on and carried  me back into reality I would have not survived this challenge.

God lives. And only through him can we endure our greatest life's challenge's.  Thank you to all who have supported me and my family. There is life after tragedy.............And it is wonderful.
                                                                                                 love niki