I never thought of my grief over my brother going missing as "frozen grief". But now that I think about it, it kind of is. These past five years I've tried everything to unthaw the layers of sadness and they just seem to keep building a thicker wall of grief. I was freezing to death. Not knowing how to deal with the emotions I was having was literally driving me nuts. I tried to break free from the cage I felt trapped in several times. Each time I did, the harder I fell. I didn't have the right tools or know the right steps to take to make the right choices to grieve in a healthy way.
Ambiguous loss is the technical term for what I am talking about. It is open-ended grief. Grief with no closure. For example: My brother going missing. A soldier killed in action-no body found, an orphan never knowing who their parents were, divorced parents-where one is out of the picture and not known whether they are alive or not. Another kind of Ambiguous Loss is when there is physical presence but mentally the person is no longer there. I'm talking about Alzheimer's Disease. Where the person is physically there but mentally they are lost. There are many other examples of ambiguous loss but those are just some of the few I will name. Many people suffer from ambiguous loss in this world and don't even realize it.
I was so excited when I learned about Dr. Pauline Boss and her studies. She is a pioneer when it comes to ambiguous loss and her book called, Ambiguous Loss: Learning to live with unresolved Grief , has really put things into perspective for me. If you do not face your grief you will be frozen in it. No matter how much you avoid it, it will always come back and haunt you when you least expect it. You cannot progress in life if you have not dealt with a past issue. The past issue will always hold you back and keep you from being you true self. Avoiding something never solves the problem. It just prolongs the inevitable.
As my "Frozen Grief" prolonged the more hopeless the process felt. I truly felt trapped in a circle of endless torment. Dr. Pauline Boss' book describes Ambiguous Loss so perfectly and so profoundly. She talks about the ups and the downs, the mixed emotions you have, going through the grief cycle over and over in your mind. Enough to drive anyone crazy. This book makes the crazy feel sane.
In my previous post called "The Circle of Grief" I talked about how the stages of grief were not stages. When someone goes missing, or with Ambiguous Loss, it is like a continuous circle or cycle of grief. You can be in denial, then accept the situation, bargain for a different situation, then fall into a deep depression all in one day. Sometimes it will shift by week, maybe months.
My favorite chapter in this book is called, The Turning Point, In it she states at one point most people suffering uncertain loss will hit bottom. Then suddenly, or maybe even after a long time, shift their opinion or point of view about the person or situation they are in. They will re-evaluate their loved one who is physically or psychologically not not there. New information may arise about their loved one or they may tire of the state of which they have been living. Tired of being in a helpless state, this is the stage where action is taken. This is where the person experiencing ambiguous loss begins to gain back control of their life.
For families with loved ones with Dementia and Alzheimer's Disease, regular meetings or therapy, can help people understand why they have been stuck in their healing process. Why they have been so confused, drink too much, eat too much, or sleep too much, (for example). Their maladaptation, or different ways of helping them cope, are usually unhealthy and once they have been identified, it is their first step to recovery.
What was so comforting to me, and is for so many of the people experiencing Ambiguous Loss, Is knowing that it has an actual name. The feelings that you are going through are completely normal. Feeling like your feelings run in a circle every day........is completely normal. Depression, anxiety, and complete confusion, is completely normal. Guilt, shame, and blame, is also normal. But......you do need to talk about it. That is your first step to recovery. Getting together with the family that shares the problem with you and talking about it. Hearing each others perceptions.
In the beginning, It was easy just to pretend that Jesse was just alive. So for 5 years we didn't really talk about it in depth, if at all. So I started this blog. I have done more healing in the past 3 months than I have in 5 years. If you look at all the comments back and forth from family members, we have had our own little therapy sessions. My family and I are in the Turning Point stage. Jesse's memorial is scheduled for July, and to be honest, I can't wait to celebrate his life!!!
For people who have a missing loved one, it is also important to have regular meetings if at all possible. It is a tuff subject for some to talk about and sharing different points of views can be frustrating. When my family first got together for the first time, (and the last:)) to talk on this subject, Two of my brothers were positive Jesse was dead. My sisters, Mother, and I were furious!!! A brief yelling and crying fit pursued and then all parted ways. We decided we never wanted to hear each others opinion in a group again.
Feelings have calmed down since and we are all of the opinion that we all have our own opinions and we are going to celebrate his life and let everybody think what they want. You can't make someone think the way you think.
COPING---In the process of coping with ambiguous loss Dr. Pauline Boss recommends activities that are more active and social. I know when I heard the news of Jesse, it was a dark house, I stopped running, and I no longer wanted to talk to anyone. Remedy for disaster. The sun and endorphins are great natural things your body needs and will help boost your mood and keep you healthy and strong. She also recommends humor. I remember I was having a particularly hard day and kirt came home with 4 seasons of "How I Met Your Mother". We laughed the rest of the night. I felt of whole lot better.
For people who are caring for others they MUST take care of themselves as well. They MUST give themselves regular intervals of respite times and not feel guilty. It will be too hard on you and you will burnout.
She also states spirituality is key. Now in the beginning, when Jesse first went missing I wanted to disagree. BUT---I hit ROCK BOTTOM. You NEED spirituality. I don't care what your beliefs are, what you believe in, or WHATEVER, you need spirituality. More importantly, you need God. And yes, there is a God. Because he unfroze that block of ice I lived in for 5 years, picked me up out of the mud it created, showed me a little sunlight so I could slowly warm up, dusted me off, and sent me off to fight my battle. I tried to think I could do it without him but......without him I wouldn't be here writing this post.
The last step in Ambiguous Loss is: Making Sense of It. This is the most difficult step because the grief remains unresolved. But if you can't make sense of it, then all you do in life in endure. And that is no way to live your life. For me, here is how I have made sense of my brothers disappearance. I hate that it happen. NO. I'm absolutely devastated that it happened. BUT--This blog has brought new meaning to the word "missing". I now know what I can learn from this experience and turn it into a positive and help others. I want to help others who have missing loved ones. I have connected with so many who have lost loved ones. People who had no idea that the word "Ambiguous Loss" even existed. People who didn't have the tools to help them cope or even start to heal in a positive way. I can use my experiences for good and help relate to others in a way some may not.
This blog has been able to post stories of missing person cases and hopefully many more. I hope to help others spread the word about their loved one as I would have wanted someone to help me when we needed help.
If anything I hope this post taught all of you a new definition to a new word. Because when I first heard it, I thought. "What in the crap is that???" Pretty long definition, HUH???
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
Challenges we can't handle???
I have often heard people say, "God doesn't give you challenges you can't handle". I thought it was a great saying and I believed this to be true almost my entire life. Until one day I was faced with a challenge I could not handle.
This blog is about all of the thoughts I have had over the past five years and lessons I have learned. It is also about the lessons I am still learning. One big lesson I have learned? God does give you challenges you can not handle. Let me explain...
I thought I was a strong person. I am independent. I have an education. I am strong willed. I rarely ask for help with things and love to be in control of my life. Well, 5 years ago my life spun out of control and I realized I was weak. I couldn't understand why I was handling things so poorly. I felt so helpless. The life I had worked so hard to build was crumbling beneath me. All of the sudden I had no control of my life. I was too proud to admit it but I needed help.
I believe in God. I believe in something greater than this life. I believe in a higher power. I believe in life after death. I have always believed this. I still believe this. But, when I was faced with the challenge of my missing brother, I questioned everything I ever believed in. All the security of my faith seemed to be removed and I felt completely vulnerable and weak. I questioned everything in this world. How could God give me this challenge? I knew I could not handle this challenge. I became angry with God. I turned away from him and didn't look back.
I stayed angry with God for a few years and my faith in this life was fading fast. I decided to talk to my mother about how I felt. My mother, despite everything she has been through, is a woman of great faith. Her unwavering faith in God is what truly saved my life. I told her how angry I was with god and that this challenge was just too much for me to bear. My mother smiled and looked at me. She softly spoke and tenderly gave me a hug. she said, "Niki, I know people say that God doesn't give you a challenges you can't handle. That is completely untrue." I frowned and looked up at her, "What do you mean?"And her response will forever be engraved into my mind. She sat and thought for a moment and said, "I believe god does give you challenges you cannot handle on your own. This challenge we are facing as a family is too hard to bear. You are right. Niki, I have found that my biggest challenges are only able to be fought with God standing there by my side. God does give us challenges we cannot handle, it is only through him, and with him, are we able to stand and fight these challenges".
This statement really hit hard for me. I had turned away from God for a long time. I hadn't even realized I had. It was only then I knew I had wasted 4 years of my life. 4 years had been wasted being angry and bitter with God. 4 years I had spent hating the life I had been given and 4 years I was ungrateful for what good things I had in my life.
I look up to my mother so much. The challenges she has been through in her life are unimaginable to me. Despite all of the challenges she has been through, her faith in God has never wavered. She has remained true and trusted in God to help her through her trials that she has been given. Her peaceful presence calms me whenever I am upset. She is truly an angel on earth.
I thought about what she said to me all week. I knew what I needed to do. I swallowed my pride and knelled down and prayed like I have never prayed before. As I began to pray, the tears I had denied myself for so long came streaming down my face. "Lord, I am not able to bear this burden on my own. I need your help. Please...Please...please" I whispered, "help me." I sat and cried for a very long time.
Looking back It was the hardest prayer I have ever spoken. BUT, it was one of the most important lessons I have learned in my life. Swallowing my pride and asking for help is what softened my heart and got me to open up and start this blog. Had I not asked for help, my heart would be hard and unkind. Today my heart is so full of love and hope for the future. That is all thanks to god and my mother.
God does give us challenges we cannot handle on our own. Through god, our burdens can and will be lifted and made easier to bear. The difference for me was night and day. He is always there waiting to help us. We just need to ask. I am so grateful to have a mother who has been such a good example to me. Her faith in God has helped me through the most difficult challenges.
I found it so amazing that admitting I was weak made me stronger. Most of us at one point or another will be faced with a challenge we cannot handle on our own. Having God back in my life has made all the difference. I have learned that I may turn away from him, but just like I would never turn away from my own children, no matter what they did. He will never turn away from me. I learned he was always there waiting for me to ask for help. I was just too stubborn to ask. He is there for me like I am there for my kids and he me loves unconditionally.
I hope if you get anything out of this post, you get that the challenges in this world are too hard to bear alone. Pride is the ultimate killer. God is the ultimate savior.
This blog is about all of the thoughts I have had over the past five years and lessons I have learned. It is also about the lessons I am still learning. One big lesson I have learned? God does give you challenges you can not handle. Let me explain...
I thought I was a strong person. I am independent. I have an education. I am strong willed. I rarely ask for help with things and love to be in control of my life. Well, 5 years ago my life spun out of control and I realized I was weak. I couldn't understand why I was handling things so poorly. I felt so helpless. The life I had worked so hard to build was crumbling beneath me. All of the sudden I had no control of my life. I was too proud to admit it but I needed help.
I believe in God. I believe in something greater than this life. I believe in a higher power. I believe in life after death. I have always believed this. I still believe this. But, when I was faced with the challenge of my missing brother, I questioned everything I ever believed in. All the security of my faith seemed to be removed and I felt completely vulnerable and weak. I questioned everything in this world. How could God give me this challenge? I knew I could not handle this challenge. I became angry with God. I turned away from him and didn't look back.
I stayed angry with God for a few years and my faith in this life was fading fast. I decided to talk to my mother about how I felt. My mother, despite everything she has been through, is a woman of great faith. Her unwavering faith in God is what truly saved my life. I told her how angry I was with god and that this challenge was just too much for me to bear. My mother smiled and looked at me. She softly spoke and tenderly gave me a hug. she said, "Niki, I know people say that God doesn't give you a challenges you can't handle. That is completely untrue." I frowned and looked up at her, "What do you mean?"And her response will forever be engraved into my mind. She sat and thought for a moment and said, "I believe god does give you challenges you cannot handle on your own. This challenge we are facing as a family is too hard to bear. You are right. Niki, I have found that my biggest challenges are only able to be fought with God standing there by my side. God does give us challenges we cannot handle, it is only through him, and with him, are we able to stand and fight these challenges".
This statement really hit hard for me. I had turned away from God for a long time. I hadn't even realized I had. It was only then I knew I had wasted 4 years of my life. 4 years had been wasted being angry and bitter with God. 4 years I had spent hating the life I had been given and 4 years I was ungrateful for what good things I had in my life.
I thought about what she said to me all week. I knew what I needed to do. I swallowed my pride and knelled down and prayed like I have never prayed before. As I began to pray, the tears I had denied myself for so long came streaming down my face. "Lord, I am not able to bear this burden on my own. I need your help. Please...Please...please" I whispered, "help me." I sat and cried for a very long time.
Looking back It was the hardest prayer I have ever spoken. BUT, it was one of the most important lessons I have learned in my life. Swallowing my pride and asking for help is what softened my heart and got me to open up and start this blog. Had I not asked for help, my heart would be hard and unkind. Today my heart is so full of love and hope for the future. That is all thanks to god and my mother.
God does give us challenges we cannot handle on our own. Through god, our burdens can and will be lifted and made easier to bear. The difference for me was night and day. He is always there waiting to help us. We just need to ask. I am so grateful to have a mother who has been such a good example to me. Her faith in God has helped me through the most difficult challenges.
I found it so amazing that admitting I was weak made me stronger. Most of us at one point or another will be faced with a challenge we cannot handle on our own. Having God back in my life has made all the difference. I have learned that I may turn away from him, but just like I would never turn away from my own children, no matter what they did. He will never turn away from me. I learned he was always there waiting for me to ask for help. I was just too stubborn to ask. He is there for me like I am there for my kids and he me loves unconditionally.
I hope if you get anything out of this post, you get that the challenges in this world are too hard to bear alone. Pride is the ultimate killer. God is the ultimate savior.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Happy Feet
As I have said before, my life's release is running. When I thought a Staph infection threatened even a moment of me not being able to have that release, I fell into little bit of depression. Being that the last time I had this infection I had 3 surgeries, was on IV antibiotics, and nearly died; Kirt and I were prepared for the long hall.
I don't know how many of you have been on keflex or bactrim but WOW! THEY SUCK!! My body just hates those two medicines together. If you have, maybe you know what I am talking about. For me, being on these two antibiotics reminded me how I felt when I was really sick two years ago. I had a few panic attacks to say the least. I was truly scared this infection was going to last as long if not longer than the last.
When I am on Bactrim and Keflex my body aches all over. I am exhausted all the time, and my brain is SO not right. I don't say the right things, I'm more emotional, and I don't remember things as well. Now, doctors will swear it's just me. BUT, I have talked to so many people who have been on these drugs who have felt the same way. I swear I'm not crazy!!! (I know, I'm just trying to make myself feel better.)
So I prayed a lot over the past ten days. I didn't feel like my prayers reached the heavens by any means. I more felt they hit the ceiling and went splat on the floor. Still, after all I have learned, I know how I feel about my children. I love them unconditionally. I would do anything for them. If they asked for my help I would help them. I believe that is just how God is. He is a father. He loves each of us unconditionally. He would do anything for us. If we ask, he will help us. I believe this with all my heart. That is why, despite the many splatters on the floor, I still pray. I believe he hears me despite my lack of confidence. I have confidence in family. I have confidence in a loving father, who would do anything for his child. I struggle with the concept of feeling worthy of him able answer my prayers. But, if I think of it in another way, a father who loves his daughter. A father who wants only the best for her. A father who would do anything for her. Then I understand, and begin to feel worthy. Then I understand and believe in his love and adoration for me. Then my faith in him grows as my love for my children grows. I understand what being a parent is, and how your love for them increasingly grows. And you really do love them equally!!! It is crazy!!! Then I understand we are all worthy. It has always been me who has held myself back.
So........I went into the doctor expecting to be put on another round of antibiotics, get another shot of rocephin, and sent home in tears. Instead I was sent home jumping up and down, smiling, and silently praying, "thank you!!! thank you!!!"
I came home and took a deep breath!! Life could go back to normal. I need to appreciate normal more often. That is my goal this week enjoying the normal life that I lead. Picking up kids, finding poop in the vents, slipping in my dogs urine, telling my boys they can't have sword fights, (not with real swords the ones they use to go to the bathroom, urine is everywhere!!!) dancing to Justin Bieber, and just having a crazy wonderful normal life. I love it!
If I drank, (but I don't) I would give a toast to all of you and it would say, "To never having a Staph infection again. Because ladies and Gentlemen I just kicked that ones @!%$!%$@!!!!!
I don't know how many of you have been on keflex or bactrim but WOW! THEY SUCK!! My body just hates those two medicines together. If you have, maybe you know what I am talking about. For me, being on these two antibiotics reminded me how I felt when I was really sick two years ago. I had a few panic attacks to say the least. I was truly scared this infection was going to last as long if not longer than the last.
When I am on Bactrim and Keflex my body aches all over. I am exhausted all the time, and my brain is SO not right. I don't say the right things, I'm more emotional, and I don't remember things as well. Now, doctors will swear it's just me. BUT, I have talked to so many people who have been on these drugs who have felt the same way. I swear I'm not crazy!!! (I know, I'm just trying to make myself feel better.)
So I prayed a lot over the past ten days. I didn't feel like my prayers reached the heavens by any means. I more felt they hit the ceiling and went splat on the floor. Still, after all I have learned, I know how I feel about my children. I love them unconditionally. I would do anything for them. If they asked for my help I would help them. I believe that is just how God is. He is a father. He loves each of us unconditionally. He would do anything for us. If we ask, he will help us. I believe this with all my heart. That is why, despite the many splatters on the floor, I still pray. I believe he hears me despite my lack of confidence. I have confidence in family. I have confidence in a loving father, who would do anything for his child. I struggle with the concept of feeling worthy of him able answer my prayers. But, if I think of it in another way, a father who loves his daughter. A father who wants only the best for her. A father who would do anything for her. Then I understand, and begin to feel worthy. Then I understand and believe in his love and adoration for me. Then my faith in him grows as my love for my children grows. I understand what being a parent is, and how your love for them increasingly grows. And you really do love them equally!!! It is crazy!!! Then I understand we are all worthy. It has always been me who has held myself back.
So........I went into the doctor expecting to be put on another round of antibiotics, get another shot of rocephin, and sent home in tears. Instead I was sent home jumping up and down, smiling, and silently praying, "thank you!!! thank you!!!"
I came home and took a deep breath!! Life could go back to normal. I need to appreciate normal more often. That is my goal this week enjoying the normal life that I lead. Picking up kids, finding poop in the vents, slipping in my dogs urine, telling my boys they can't have sword fights, (not with real swords the ones they use to go to the bathroom, urine is everywhere!!!) dancing to Justin Bieber, and just having a crazy wonderful normal life. I love it!
If I drank, (but I don't) I would give a toast to all of you and it would say, "To never having a Staph infection again. Because ladies and Gentlemen I just kicked that ones @!%$!%$@!!!!!
Ambiguous Loss--part 1
This post is going to be short, sweet, and straight to the point:)
I was so excited when I learned of Dr. Pauline Boss. She specializes in Ambiguous Loss and has written many books about it.
In her book, called "Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief" She talks about "frozen grief" and how we are meant to go through a mourning process. It is an excellent book and I am still in the process of reading it.
SO many people deal with ambiguous loss. My eyes were open to an entire world of people just like me. Whether it is a person gone missing in war, killed in action, missing in action, divorced parents, where one parent is no longer even able to know the whereabouts of the other parent whether they are alive or not, people gone missing, runaways, an orphan mourning the unknown of absent parents, etc.
So many people in the same situation need knowledge, good knowledge, on how to deal with the pain they are experiencing. I highly recommend this book for everyone. It has so many good points and can help you relate to more people than you will ever realize. If you know of anyone who is struggling with ambiguous loss recommend this book. IT IS AMAZING.
DR. PAULINE BOSS "AMBIGUOUS LOSS: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH UNRESOLVED GRIEF"
Thanks you so much for reading:) niki
I was so excited when I learned of Dr. Pauline Boss. She specializes in Ambiguous Loss and has written many books about it.
In her book, called "Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief" She talks about "frozen grief" and how we are meant to go through a mourning process. It is an excellent book and I am still in the process of reading it.
SO many people deal with ambiguous loss. My eyes were open to an entire world of people just like me. Whether it is a person gone missing in war, killed in action, missing in action, divorced parents, where one parent is no longer even able to know the whereabouts of the other parent whether they are alive or not, people gone missing, runaways, an orphan mourning the unknown of absent parents, etc.
So many people in the same situation need knowledge, good knowledge, on how to deal with the pain they are experiencing. I highly recommend this book for everyone. It has so many good points and can help you relate to more people than you will ever realize. If you know of anyone who is struggling with ambiguous loss recommend this book. IT IS AMAZING.
DR. PAULINE BOSS "AMBIGUOUS LOSS: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH UNRESOLVED GRIEF"
Thanks you so much for reading:) niki
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Worst day of my life....Jesse went missing.
The Christmas before Jesse went missing was one of the best I've ever had and the last one I would ever have with my entire family. Sometimes I wish I knew and others I'm grateful I didn't. Jesse had been planning a trip to Kauai, Hawaii for a couple of months and was to leave for about 3-4 months and return in time to see the blessing of my baby in mid-march. Plans fell through with friends and Jesse decided to go alone. We begged him not to go because we had such a bad feeling about it but Jesse just stated, "Niki, nothing can happen to me. I'm invincible." smiling he just got us all laughing and he got away with it.
Jesse was the life of the party, hilarious to be around, and surprisingly one of the most loving persons I have come in contact with. He is the person at the family gathering that if he is there then everyone wants to be there. His laugh was infectious and he is a huge missing piece in our hearts.
Jesse went to Hawaii alone for 3 months and lived in an apartment there. He often went of on hikes on the kololoua trail in Kauai. It is a dangerous trail and meant for only experienced hikers. Jesse is a really good hiker so we weren't too worried about that but we were worried that he was going alone.
So far he had been fine. About a week before he was to come home he called and told us he was going to go on one last hike and was to fly home for the blessing. We were all so excited to see him.
Blessing day came and Jesse never showed up. We were in complete denial. That night, myself and a few family members had the same terrible dream about Jesse. He had died. I called mom and she reported him missing that day. We were numb. This was not happening.This happens to other people not us. Right? Or...... this only happens in the movies? Right??? We were at a loss. The police said they could do nothing because he was an adult. "He has the right to go missing". WOW.
My dad immediately went over to Hawaii and searched for three weeks. He found his apartment full of all his things. His clothes were all there. Cleaned and folded, his bed made, and house well kept. It was as if he had just left to go to the store. I am so grateful to my dad and his efforts to find jesse. He handed out fliers both day and night all by himself. No one else could afford to make the trip. I often thought of this and how lonely and Hard it must have been looking for your son in a strange place not knowing what had happened to him. I am so grateful to him for his efforts in looking for my brother. It had to be the most difficult thing he'd ever experience. I often think of my boys. The thought of me going through this experience as a parent is excruciating. I feel my dad lost a part of his heart on that trip that he will never get back. How could you?
As dad put up fliers, he put on the fliers that he would give a 5,000 dollar reward to whoever would give up any information leading to the discovery of Jesse. To everyone's shock and disbelief dad came home empty handed. No Jesse. No new information. No nothing. SILENCE. We were numb.
The quote, "Its not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain", Meant nothing here. We'd been struck by lightning. The storm hadn't even hit us.
2 more painful weeks passed and dad received a phone call from a hiker. He was on the kololoua trail saying he thought he was looking at Jesse's campsite. Dad flew straight back to Hawaii and hiked the kololoua to the assumed campsite and it was indeed Jesse's campsite.
How do we know??? Jesse's ipod was found along with other personal belongings that positively identified him at this campsite. I still have his shorts and favorite cowboy belt he always wore that were also found at the campsite. No signs of foul play. No notes. Just a clump of clothes on the ground, a back pack, tent, some wood gathered for a campfire, and a hammock. The pictures taken of the campsite are so eerie and troubling. My dad was able to find a pocket knife later in another search. He paid scuba divers to search the waters below. There are cliffs everywhere in Kauai, that if you fell off one it would be next to impossible to find you. If they did find you, due to the heat, depending on how long you had been missing, your body could be very hard, if not impossible, to identify.
After all the money my father paid and even my mother taking a trip over, still silence is all we have. I remember my mom telling me the most heartbreaking moment she had over there. She was in Jesse's apartment and packing up all his clothes to bring them home to Utah. As she looked at each shirt she was reminded of each moment she saw her beautiful boy wear each shirt. Tears welled in her eyes and she just put all the clothes in a pile on the bed and plopped herself on top of all her sweet little boys clothes and pulled them close into her arms. I pictured her like she was me, and how I would feel if it was my little boy. How I would just want to scoop up all those clothes and pretend they were my baby. She told me she closed her eyes and cried until she had no more tears to cry and then cried some more. While crying she would take a deep inhale of the clothes she held close to her face. "Oh, my sweet baby. Come home. Please. Let me hold you just one last time." She never wanted to move. Moving meant a part of her was letting go. Packing these clothes meant they would loose their scent. "I need that scent", "I miss him so much". The tears that were shed in that apartment are almost unbearable for me to even write about. My mother is an amazing woman with an amazing heart. Her love for her children is one of the greatest beauties in this entire world. When the beauty of a mothers love for her child has been shredded by untimely circumstance, (tragedy, murder, kidnapping, death, a child going missing, etc.), It is truly THE most heartbreaking things to witness. A mothers heartbreak is an unspeakable horror. I wish it for no woman in any circumstance, because the pain can be unbearable without help.
There is so much more to this story and the five years that have passed and I will be filling you all in as I can. Why am I doing this??? Well This is the 5th year Jesse has been missing we have done nothing for him. No funeral, No vigil, No nothing. For awhile, it was easy to just pretend he was on vacation and coming back soon. But that hasn't happened. So in his memory I wanted to start a blog about him and people like him. People who have gone missing. But I also wanted it to be a place for the missing person's family to be able to go to, to be able to connect with others who are like them with similar stories or backgrounds.
I would love it if you would like to tell your story just to me or if you wanted to, share it on this blog. I think we can make a difference in a lot of people's lives. I not only care about your story, I care about you and how you are dealing with it. This is not easy and we shouldn't be doing it alone.
Even if you don't have someone missing that you care about, depression is and suicide is a big thing we are fighting in my family. Please. I want to be here as someone who wants to help. I 'm here to say that it can and it does get better. If we would all just reach out we could all be strong together. Please join with me and even help me stand against what I fight each day.
In memory of my beautiful brother and his amazing life, lets choose to live our best life and not just survive it!!!
.
Jesse was the life of the party, hilarious to be around, and surprisingly one of the most loving persons I have come in contact with. He is the person at the family gathering that if he is there then everyone wants to be there. His laugh was infectious and he is a huge missing piece in our hearts.
Jesse went to Hawaii alone for 3 months and lived in an apartment there. He often went of on hikes on the kololoua trail in Kauai. It is a dangerous trail and meant for only experienced hikers. Jesse is a really good hiker so we weren't too worried about that but we were worried that he was going alone.
So far he had been fine. About a week before he was to come home he called and told us he was going to go on one last hike and was to fly home for the blessing. We were all so excited to see him.
Blessing day came and Jesse never showed up. We were in complete denial. That night, myself and a few family members had the same terrible dream about Jesse. He had died. I called mom and she reported him missing that day. We were numb. This was not happening.This happens to other people not us. Right? Or...... this only happens in the movies? Right??? We were at a loss. The police said they could do nothing because he was an adult. "He has the right to go missing". WOW.
My dad immediately went over to Hawaii and searched for three weeks. He found his apartment full of all his things. His clothes were all there. Cleaned and folded, his bed made, and house well kept. It was as if he had just left to go to the store. I am so grateful to my dad and his efforts to find jesse. He handed out fliers both day and night all by himself. No one else could afford to make the trip. I often thought of this and how lonely and Hard it must have been looking for your son in a strange place not knowing what had happened to him. I am so grateful to him for his efforts in looking for my brother. It had to be the most difficult thing he'd ever experience. I often think of my boys. The thought of me going through this experience as a parent is excruciating. I feel my dad lost a part of his heart on that trip that he will never get back. How could you?
As dad put up fliers, he put on the fliers that he would give a 5,000 dollar reward to whoever would give up any information leading to the discovery of Jesse. To everyone's shock and disbelief dad came home empty handed. No Jesse. No new information. No nothing. SILENCE. We were numb.
The quote, "Its not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain", Meant nothing here. We'd been struck by lightning. The storm hadn't even hit us.
2 more painful weeks passed and dad received a phone call from a hiker. He was on the kololoua trail saying he thought he was looking at Jesse's campsite. Dad flew straight back to Hawaii and hiked the kololoua to the assumed campsite and it was indeed Jesse's campsite.
How do we know??? Jesse's ipod was found along with other personal belongings that positively identified him at this campsite. I still have his shorts and favorite cowboy belt he always wore that were also found at the campsite. No signs of foul play. No notes. Just a clump of clothes on the ground, a back pack, tent, some wood gathered for a campfire, and a hammock. The pictures taken of the campsite are so eerie and troubling. My dad was able to find a pocket knife later in another search. He paid scuba divers to search the waters below. There are cliffs everywhere in Kauai, that if you fell off one it would be next to impossible to find you. If they did find you, due to the heat, depending on how long you had been missing, your body could be very hard, if not impossible, to identify.
After all the money my father paid and even my mother taking a trip over, still silence is all we have. I remember my mom telling me the most heartbreaking moment she had over there. She was in Jesse's apartment and packing up all his clothes to bring them home to Utah. As she looked at each shirt she was reminded of each moment she saw her beautiful boy wear each shirt. Tears welled in her eyes and she just put all the clothes in a pile on the bed and plopped herself on top of all her sweet little boys clothes and pulled them close into her arms. I pictured her like she was me, and how I would feel if it was my little boy. How I would just want to scoop up all those clothes and pretend they were my baby. She told me she closed her eyes and cried until she had no more tears to cry and then cried some more. While crying she would take a deep inhale of the clothes she held close to her face. "Oh, my sweet baby. Come home. Please. Let me hold you just one last time." She never wanted to move. Moving meant a part of her was letting go. Packing these clothes meant they would loose their scent. "I need that scent", "I miss him so much". The tears that were shed in that apartment are almost unbearable for me to even write about. My mother is an amazing woman with an amazing heart. Her love for her children is one of the greatest beauties in this entire world. When the beauty of a mothers love for her child has been shredded by untimely circumstance, (tragedy, murder, kidnapping, death, a child going missing, etc.), It is truly THE most heartbreaking things to witness. A mothers heartbreak is an unspeakable horror. I wish it for no woman in any circumstance, because the pain can be unbearable without help.
There is so much more to this story and the five years that have passed and I will be filling you all in as I can. Why am I doing this??? Well This is the 5th year Jesse has been missing we have done nothing for him. No funeral, No vigil, No nothing. For awhile, it was easy to just pretend he was on vacation and coming back soon. But that hasn't happened. So in his memory I wanted to start a blog about him and people like him. People who have gone missing. But I also wanted it to be a place for the missing person's family to be able to go to, to be able to connect with others who are like them with similar stories or backgrounds.
I would love it if you would like to tell your story just to me or if you wanted to, share it on this blog. I think we can make a difference in a lot of people's lives. I not only care about your story, I care about you and how you are dealing with it. This is not easy and we shouldn't be doing it alone.
Even if you don't have someone missing that you care about, depression is and suicide is a big thing we are fighting in my family. Please. I want to be here as someone who wants to help. I 'm here to say that it can and it does get better. If we would all just reach out we could all be strong together. Please join with me and even help me stand against what I fight each day.
In memory of my beautiful brother and his amazing life, lets choose to live our best life and not just survive it!!!
.
My Brother Darren......Missing (News Report)
Posted by Sarah
Darren's story reported by Brent Hunsaker published 2/08/2011
Payson man's body returned from Brazil after 42 days
PAYSON, Utah (ABC 4 News) - Darren Cook loved Brazil and its people. He had served in the northern part of the country as a missionary for the Church of J
esus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Four years later, he returned as a tourist.
He was also on the lookout for business opportunities. With both the World Cup and Olympics coming to Brazil, he thought there might be a way he could make money using his knowledge of the language and country.
But mostly, Darren Cook wanted an adventure. He left in November planning to stay four months.
While in Rio de Janeiro in mid-December, he took off by himself to explore the waterfalls outside of the city. He did not return. Five days later his body was found. He had apparently fallen off a cliff.
Kyle and Holly Cook were initially told through an interpreter only that the body of an American had been found, but by the description of the clothing they knew it was Darren.
Darren’s parents immediately set about to convince authorities of what they already knew.
They immediately sent Darren’s dental records via email only to be later told the digital files attached to the email were unacceptable. So, they sent physical copies of his dental x-rays by mail. They never arrived. They set another set by express mail. They arrived after seven days, but could only be retrieved by paying “a fee.”
“A half a world away and we just had no control. All we could do is call and beg,” said Darren’s father, Kyle Cook.
After authorities confirmed for themselves that the body was indeed Darren, then came the demands for money. On one particularly discouraging morning, Kyle Cook was awakened around 3:00 a.m. by a call telling him to deposit $29,000 in a Brazilian bank account. “You know I can’t come up with 29-thousand,” he remembers saying.
On another occasion he was told it would be cheaper to cremate the body. But as he looked into the option he discovered the supposed savings were eaten up in additional red tape and “fees.” “I don’t hate Brazil,” said Kyle Cook. “But I do have a problem with the bribes that are common.”
It seemed as if they would never be able to bring him home and would have to arrange for strangers to bury him in Brazil.
“There were days when I wondered if we were ever going to find the end to the nightmare that we were living,” said Holly Cook.
And in fact the Cook family believes that Darren’s body would still be in Brazil if it had not been for two “good Samaritans” – one in Utah and the other in Brazil – who volunteered their time and would not quit until the family, got closure.
Finally, after 42 agonizing days, the body came home and was buried in Payson.
“The US consulate called me 5 or 6 days after we had buried Darren and said, ‘Do you have any questions?’ And I said I’ve had 40 days of questions and nobody to ask those questions to. Where were you?”
Though Brazil’s economy has been the envy of South America and it’s won bids to host both the World Cup and summer Olympic Games, the Cook’s experience seems to show the country still has a long way to go to shed the image of a 3rd world country.
The Cooks don’t want their story to discourage other parents from allowing members of their own families to go to foreign countries. However, they want them to understand that if something goes wrong, the bureaucracies of those countries cannot be depended on to do the right thing.
Of Darren’s trip to Brazil, his mother Holly concluded, “I couldn’t hold him back. It was his dream to go, so we let him go. Just make sure you give them a hug before they leave.”
Darren's story reported by Brent Hunsaker published 2/08/2011
Payson man's body returned from Brazil after 42 days
PAYSON, Utah (ABC 4 News) - Darren Cook loved Brazil and its people. He had served in the northern part of the country as a missionary for the Church of J
esus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Four years later, he returned as a tourist.
He was also on the lookout for business opportunities. With both the World Cup and Olympics coming to Brazil, he thought there might be a way he could make money using his knowledge of the language and country.
But mostly, Darren Cook wanted an adventure. He left in November planning to stay four months.
While in Rio de Janeiro in mid-December, he took off by himself to explore the waterfalls outside of the city. He did not return. Five days later his body was found. He had apparently fallen off a cliff.
Kyle and Holly Cook were initially told through an interpreter only that the body of an American had been found, but by the description of the clothing they knew it was Darren.
Darren’s parents immediately set about to convince authorities of what they already knew.
They immediately sent Darren’s dental records via email only to be later told the digital files attached to the email were unacceptable. So, they sent physical copies of his dental x-rays by mail. They never arrived. They set another set by express mail. They arrived after seven days, but could only be retrieved by paying “a fee.”
“A half a world away and we just had no control. All we could do is call and beg,” said Darren’s father, Kyle Cook.
After authorities confirmed for themselves that the body was indeed Darren, then came the demands for money. On one particularly discouraging morning, Kyle Cook was awakened around 3:00 a.m. by a call telling him to deposit $29,000 in a Brazilian bank account. “You know I can’t come up with 29-thousand,” he remembers saying.
On another occasion he was told it would be cheaper to cremate the body. But as he looked into the option he discovered the supposed savings were eaten up in additional red tape and “fees.” “I don’t hate Brazil,” said Kyle Cook. “But I do have a problem with the bribes that are common.”
It seemed as if they would never be able to bring him home and would have to arrange for strangers to bury him in Brazil.
“There were days when I wondered if we were ever going to find the end to the nightmare that we were living,” said Holly Cook.
And in fact the Cook family believes that Darren’s body would still be in Brazil if it had not been for two “good Samaritans” – one in Utah and the other in Brazil – who volunteered their time and would not quit until the family, got closure.
Finally, after 42 agonizing days, the body came home and was buried in Payson.
“The US consulate called me 5 or 6 days after we had buried Darren and said, ‘Do you have any questions?’ And I said I’ve had 40 days of questions and nobody to ask those questions to. Where were you?”
Though Brazil’s economy has been the envy of South America and it’s won bids to host both the World Cup and summer Olympic Games, the Cook’s experience seems to show the country still has a long way to go to shed the image of a 3rd world country.
The Cooks don’t want their story to discourage other parents from allowing members of their own families to go to foreign countries. However, they want them to understand that if something goes wrong, the bureaucracies of those countries cannot be depended on to do the right thing.
Of Darren’s trip to Brazil, his mother Holly concluded, “I couldn’t hold him back. It was his dream to go, so we let him go. Just make sure you give them a hug before they leave.”
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Get your spring on!!
I see the morning dew so sweetly spread across the soft purple lilac meadow,
nothing but the breeze.
I see the ever lighting sky as the sun rises in the east,
yellow, orange, pink, red.
I see the shadows fade in to the background and watch my nightmare fall into the background,
faces, unrealistic expectations, timelines, duties
I close my eyes and take in my first breath of fresh air,
clean, smooth, refreshing, invigorating.
I open my eyes to a paradise sweet natural beauty.
free, balanced, peaceful, and quiet.
The smell of the lilacs are intoxicating and take my memories to great places.
Laughter, Smiles, Summer, Games.
As the sun keeps rising I feel its warmth upon my skin, warming my winter soul.
Cold, Long, Sad, Captive
So happy to see light,
So ready to end night,
cold be gone,
I want to get my summer on!!!
Yesterday was such a beautiful day and I hope and pray your day will be as good as mine was . I got too excited that spring is on its way I had to celebrate by writing something!!!! I can"t wait! May everyday be bright and full of your favorite things. I have to sometimes take a step back and look at the bigger picture. When I'm in it, I feel like it is a sloppy mess, but when I take a step back I realize I'm in the middle of making a Masterpiece:)
Love to my family during this week. Especially to Grandma. I love you. I will be writing a special post for you later!! I love you!!
nothing but the breeze.
I see the ever lighting sky as the sun rises in the east,
yellow, orange, pink, red.
I see the shadows fade in to the background and watch my nightmare fall into the background,
faces, unrealistic expectations, timelines, duties
I close my eyes and take in my first breath of fresh air,
clean, smooth, refreshing, invigorating.
I open my eyes to a paradise sweet natural beauty.
free, balanced, peaceful, and quiet.
The smell of the lilacs are intoxicating and take my memories to great places.
Laughter, Smiles, Summer, Games.
As the sun keeps rising I feel its warmth upon my skin, warming my winter soul.
Cold, Long, Sad, Captive
So happy to see light,
So ready to end night,
cold be gone,
I want to get my summer on!!!
Yesterday was such a beautiful day and I hope and pray your day will be as good as mine was . I got too excited that spring is on its way I had to celebrate by writing something!!!! I can"t wait! May everyday be bright and full of your favorite things. I have to sometimes take a step back and look at the bigger picture. When I'm in it, I feel like it is a sloppy mess, but when I take a step back I realize I'm in the middle of making a Masterpiece:)
Love to my family during this week. Especially to Grandma. I love you. I will be writing a special post for you later!! I love you!!
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