Sunday, March 24, 2013

Ambiguous Loss: Frozen Grief-part 2

I never thought of my grief over my brother going missing as "frozen grief". But now that I think about it, it kind of is. These past five years I've tried everything to unthaw the layers of sadness and they just seem to keep building a thicker wall of grief. I was freezing to death. Not knowing how to deal with the emotions I was having was literally driving me nuts. I tried to break free from the cage I felt trapped in several times. Each time I did, the harder I fell. I didn't have the right tools or know the right steps to take to make the right choices to grieve in a healthy way.

Ambiguous loss is the technical term for what I am talking about. It is open-ended grief. Grief with no closure. For example: My brother going missing. A soldier killed in action-no body found, an orphan never knowing who their parents were, divorced parents-where one is out of the picture and not known whether they are alive or not. Another kind of Ambiguous Loss is when there is physical presence but mentally the person is no longer there. I'm talking about Alzheimer's Disease. Where the person is physically there but mentally they are lost.  There are many other examples of ambiguous loss but those are just some of the few I will name. Many people suffer from ambiguous loss in this world and don't even realize it.

I was so excited when I learned about Dr. Pauline Boss and her studies. She is a pioneer when it comes to ambiguous loss and her book called, Ambiguous Loss: Learning to live with unresolved Grief ,  has really put things into perspective for me. If you do not face your grief you will be frozen in it. No matter how much you avoid it, it will always come back and haunt you when you least expect it. You cannot progress in life if you have not dealt with a past issue. The past issue will always hold you back and keep you from being you true self. Avoiding something never solves the problem. It just prolongs the inevitable.

As my "Frozen Grief" prolonged the more hopeless the process felt. I truly felt trapped in a circle of endless torment. Dr. Pauline Boss' book describes Ambiguous Loss so perfectly and so profoundly. She talks about the ups and the downs, the mixed emotions you have, going through the grief cycle over and over in your mind. Enough to drive anyone crazy. This book makes the crazy feel sane.

In my previous post called "The Circle of Grief" I talked about how the stages of grief were not stages. When someone goes missing, or with Ambiguous Loss, it is like a continuous circle or cycle of grief. You can be in denial, then accept the situation, bargain for a different situation, then fall into a deep depression all in one day. Sometimes it will shift by week, maybe months.

My favorite chapter in this book is called, The Turning Point, In it she states at one point most people suffering uncertain loss will hit bottom. Then suddenly, or maybe even after a long time, shift their opinion or point of view about the person or situation they are in. They will re-evaluate their loved one who is physically or psychologically not not there. New information may arise about their loved one or they may tire of the state of which they have been living. Tired of being in a helpless state, this is the stage where action is taken. This is where the person experiencing ambiguous loss begins to gain back control of their life.

For families with loved ones with Dementia and Alzheimer's Disease, regular meetings or therapy,  can help people understand why they have been stuck in their healing process. Why they have been so confused, drink too much, eat too much, or sleep too much, (for example). Their maladaptation, or different ways of helping them cope, are usually unhealthy and once they have been identified, it is their first step to recovery.

What was so comforting to me, and is for so many of the people experiencing Ambiguous Loss, Is knowing that it has an actual name. The feelings that you are going through are completely normal. Feeling like your feelings run in a circle every day........is completely normal. Depression, anxiety, and complete confusion, is completely normal. Guilt, shame, and blame, is also normal. But......you do need to talk about it. That is your first step to recovery. Getting together with the family that shares the problem with you and talking about it. Hearing each others perceptions.

In the beginning, It was easy just to pretend that Jesse was just alive. So for 5 years we didn't really talk about it in depth, if at all. So I started this blog. I have done more healing in the past 3 months than I have in 5 years. If you look at all the comments back and forth from family members, we have had our own little therapy sessions. My family and I are in the Turning Point stage. Jesse's memorial is scheduled for July, and to be honest, I can't wait to celebrate his life!!!

For people who have a missing loved one, it is also important to have regular meetings if at all possible. It is a tuff subject for some to talk about and sharing different points of views can be frustrating. When my family first got together for the first time, (and the last:)) to talk on this subject, Two of my brothers were positive Jesse was dead. My sisters, Mother, and I were furious!!! A brief yelling  and crying fit pursued and then all parted ways. We decided we never wanted to hear each others opinion in a group again.

Feelings have calmed down since and we are all of the opinion that we all have our own opinions and we are going to celebrate his life and let everybody think what they want. You can't make someone think the way you think.

COPING---In the process of coping with ambiguous loss Dr. Pauline Boss recommends activities that are more active and social. I know when I heard the news of Jesse, it was a dark house, I stopped running, and I no longer wanted to talk to anyone. Remedy for disaster. The sun and endorphins are great natural things your body needs and will help boost your mood and keep you healthy and strong. She also recommends humor. I remember I was having a particularly hard day and kirt came home with 4 seasons of "How I Met Your Mother". We laughed the rest of the night. I felt of whole lot better.

For people who are caring for others they MUST take care of themselves as well. They MUST give themselves regular intervals of respite times and not feel guilty. It will be too hard on you and you will burnout.

She also states spirituality is key. Now in the beginning, when Jesse first went missing I wanted to disagree. BUT---I hit ROCK BOTTOM. You NEED spirituality. I don't care what your beliefs are, what you believe in, or WHATEVER, you need spirituality. More importantly, you need God. And yes, there is a God. Because he unfroze that block of ice I lived in for 5 years, picked me up out of the mud it created, showed me a little sunlight so I could slowly warm up, dusted me off, and sent me off to fight my battle. I tried to think I could do it without him but......without him I wouldn't be here writing this post.

The last step in Ambiguous Loss is: Making Sense of It. This is the most difficult step because the grief remains unresolved. But if you can't make sense of it, then all you do in life in endure. And that is no way to live your life. For me, here is how I have made sense of my brothers disappearance. I hate that it happen. NO. I'm absolutely devastated that it happened. BUT--This blog has brought new meaning to the word "missing". I now know what I can learn from this experience and turn it into a positive and help others. I want to help others who have missing loved ones. I have connected with so many who have lost loved ones. People who had no idea that the word "Ambiguous Loss" even existed. People who didn't have the tools to help them cope or even start to heal in a positive way. I can use my experiences for good and help relate to others in a way some may not.

This blog has been able to post stories of missing person cases and hopefully many more. I hope to help others spread the word about their loved one as I would have wanted someone to help me when we needed help.

If anything I hope this post taught all of you a new definition to a new word. Because when I first heard it, I thought. "What in the crap is that???" Pretty long definition, HUH???

3 comments:

  1. Can ambiguous loss occur when a long time relationship ends?

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    1. Yes. yes. yes! I can't believe I did not mention this in my post. In the very beginning of her book she talked about homesickness. And how soothing it was to her when she cooked a meal her mother always cooked. As she closed her eyes the smell brought back soothing memories of home. When she opened them the harsh reality of where she was was all too real.

      Now re-living a memory of an ex-relationship would just be torture. But I would compare your situation to that of something kind of like mine. You loved and cared for someone deeply. Suddenly, it ended. I'm obviously not in on the details, but, usually when people part ways they stop talking. It is like they have been taken from you. A person that has been a part of your life for so long, just vanishes. How do you just deal with that? It just feels so strange with out them there. It is hard to make sense of things when the life you had planned for yourself no longer exists. The person you planned it with is literally gone. You are looking at a blank screen.

      But I can tell you its not a blank screen. It is just a new screen. You may not like it. You may even hate it. But---it just needs to be written on. Mine stayed blank for five years. I was confused, lost and afraid. I didn't want to move on in a world without my brother in it. I wanted him back. But, I had no choice. And as I sit here crying as I write back to you, I can tell you, my blank screen has been filled with new memories and new adventures. You will find someone so special. I truly know you will. It may take time but someday this will make sense. Get out, get up, and move. Everyday. Breathe. Find something that gives you peace and hold on to it. Use it.

      Ambiguous loss does exist in long term relationships. I am so sorry for the pain you might be feeling. If I did not answer your question please don't hesitate to write again. niki

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This blog is mainly written by Niki Michaelis. There have been two other co-writers so far: Jenna Pinegar and Sarah Cook. If you need help finding a loved one please contact me. I would be more than willing to put your loved ones picture up and story to get more people looking for your loved one. Email me at themissingpiece777@gmail.com. Will contact you as soon as possible.