Malaysia Flight 370

First of all I hate the title of my post.

It really should be the names of all the people on Malaysia Flight 370. Not a plane and its' number. Each one of them deserves to be recognized, noticed, loved, and searched for till the end of time.

I wish I could tell you I know how you feel. But I don't. My brother went missing 6 years ago without a trace, and his absence consumed my every moment of living.

Every missing person case is different. Sadly, yours is one for the history books.

I haven't written anything about this because I, like I'm sure the entire world, have been in complete and total shock. How does a plane just disappear?

When the news of Jesse's (my brother), disappearance hit, I was so upset. So scared. So worried. A million different scenarios played out in my head and I nearly lost it right then and there.

"My brother is missing? WHAT?! YOU ARE LYING. This only happens in the movies, this is not real life. Wake up niki.......wake up!!!!"

I still have not waken from that nightmare.

I pray with every part of my heart you wake up from yours and news will come as soon as possible about your loved one.

Surround yourself with only the best of friends. Those who lift you up and keep your spirits high. No one should ever tell you how you should be feeling or how long you should be feeling a certain way.

 Because all in one day you can go from waking up and feeling like today is the day they will find them. Then the next hour you find yourself bargaining with god to do something.......ANYTHING, to get them back to you.

I remember the worst part about Jesse going missing was the anger. I was SO ANGRY! No one did enough. No one had any answers. I literally wanted to kill someone. (figuratively) "HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING???" Nothing was good enough. Nothing was fast enough. Nothing could calm me. I was a wreck! I fluctuated in between anger and bargaining a lot!

Then a few hours or a day might pass and I've found myself in denial about the entire thing. I have at one time convinced myself that Jesse is on an extended vacation and has just forgot to call for awhile. It helped me deal with the day, or so I thought.

I've even crept over to accepting that this just might be my situation and I may never know where my baby brother went missing to. But that road to acceptance is so incredibly hard to travel down. I am six years out and I still think I could still get answers. And it is ok to think that. Good friends don't crush hope, they support it.

Find good people to confide in. Get a good support system. They are your life line and you need them........YOU NEED THEM.

Before I talk about this next part, please know I am just as hopeful as anyone that your loved one is alive and well and soon this night mare soon will be over. I pray everyday that this is all some crazy misunderstanding and they are safe somewhere and everything is fine. I have so much love and hope for you all and I wish only the best for your families!

You might or might not have found by now that your head kind of spins in a little circle.

This constant cycle is what I call "The Circle of Grief" instead of the "Cycle of Grief".  There just seems to be no end to your mourning because there is no closure. Instead of just going through the grieving process like normal people, we keep doing circles because we have no closure. Without closure, it is very difficult to move on. But not impossible.

This grief I am talking about has an actual dictionary name as well........it is called Ambiguous Loss: or Frozen Grief.  I've written  2 entire posts about it if you want to know more about it. I also have some references to some books that were quite helpful to me as well. The post is called Ambiguous Loss: Frozen Grief.

My heart goes out to all of you that has lost a loved one. I loved and still love my brother very much. The people who are currently looking for their loved ones from Malaysia Flight 370, You are incredible. I am sick to my stomach that this could even happen in the world today. It shouldn't be possible. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.

My blog gets 100 to 150 hits a day. If anyone wants their loved ones story told, please let me know and I would love to post it, and help get your story out there.

Love to all of you out there who are struggling or in need of comfort this night. I wish you all my love and truly hope tomorrow brings sunshine and warmth to your day.

New Normals

I constantly find myself resetting. Finding new normals each day, each week, maybe even each minute.                                                                                                                                        

But what is  normal? Some idea I've made up in my head as the perfect way life
should be lived? Because, for some reason my idea of normal always makes me end up falling short of my own expectations. And to this day, I don't even know what I expect from myself.

I'm sitting here in the hospital next to my baby little boy. He has just had an MRI of his brain to try and see why he keeps having so many headaches each and every day.

"I am fine." I keep telling myself. "This situation is just fine. Everyone goes through difficult times. Maybe this will be one of them."

But the constant beeping was going to drive me insane!! Every few seconds a beep, beep, beep, beep.......

Beckham had been sedated for the MRI. So, he had to stay awhile and be hooked up to a monitor at the hospital to ensure his safety. At the same time, the little beeping gave some sort of comfort. It was telling me my son was breathing and his cute little heart was beating.

That didn't stop me from having thoughts of throwing it across the room in hopes to hear it shatter in to a thousands pieces...........

"OK, maybeeeee...............I'm not fine. Maybe I am a little freaked out that it has come this far to figure out why my son is having headaches."

I don't know about you, but I am a freaking psycho when it comes to my kids and what "could" be wrong with them.

For instance, if my child suddenly got some crazy rash, all the worst scenarios play out in my head immediately.

"It's chicken pox for sure. Wait! What if its the measles? It's the plague. I just know it. It's the plague."

OK, maybe not that extreme as the plague. But you get the point. Plus, I'm not an idiot.......most of the time:)

It seemed like an eternity, but little becks woke up, acted a little drunk, and was just fine.

The Radiologist came in, which has never happened in my life. They usually look at your images and send them to your doctor and then you get the results. He informed us that everything looked normal for Beckham.

I didn't realize it but my entire body had been flexed. When he said those words, I felt my entire body relax.

Life is constantly changing. We have to adapt to each change as they come. Good or bad. Whether it is going back to school, a new job, a loved one sent off to war, a new baby, the loss of a loved one, moving.........all kinds of different things.

They cause us at first to be unbalanced. A power struggle. Seeking your new normal. But here is what I have realized while trying to have a perfect house, with a perfect schedule, and a perfect smile to go with it.

It's crap.

Life is not normal. So if you are seeking it, stop. Life is full of beauty and mystery. It changes daily. Just like the whether is, so are our lives. Full of light and warmth. Our thunder storms come unexpectedly and can last longer than we would like. But through the storm always comes the light.

Expect the unexpected. You are your new normal. Love who you are today not who you will be tomorrow.

I'm so grateful baby Becks is in the clear. Thank you for all the prayers. Most of all thank you God for giving me the blessing of a healthy baby boy.

Never Forgotten

Forgive me if sometimes I beat this subject over and over like a dirty, old, dead, gross, dusty, door mat. BUT---I was watching the news the other day and I just have to get this off my chest or I think I might just burst. And we all know that is a remedy for disaster.....

I was watching the news the other night and I saw an update on a young man who had been held captive most of his life. He had gone missing when he was about 6 and finally found at about 17 years of age.

The interview was quite fascinating. His point of view and his optimism on life was truly admirable. At one point the person giving the interview just stopped the man in the middle of answering one of her questions and said. "How is it that after so long in captivity, you didn't just loose hope of ever escaping?" The man stopped, but stopped for just a moment to think. Just a moment. Looked up at the person giving the interview and said. "Because they never gave up." Tears began to well up inside the mans eyes.


He was talking about his mother and father.

For those long eleven years his parents continued on their quest looking for their son. Never forgetting that he could still be alive. I do not remember this young man's name so I am going to call him Steve.

While Steve was held in captivity he was allowed to watch TV. On occaison he would see news clippings of his parents. Still, after all these years looking for their son, trying to spread the word about their missing son.

On occasion Steven was able to sneak and get access to a computer and surf the internet. He was able to see his parents website that was dedicated to him.  They continued to update it for eleven years, giving Steven the strength to endure his captivity. His courage is truly inspiring.

Now......I know Stevens' case is unique. And most of the time a missing persons case doesn't end up that way. In fact, EVERY missing person case is different and UNIQUE.

Life is full of surprises. One day life is normal and then it is never the same again. It shifts. A new normal needs to be found.

The one thing I am so amazed at is the power of love. People say you can't see it, but that isn't true. It glistens in the eyes of the ones who love you back.

The people I love have such a strong hold on my heart. Forgetting them would be impossible. This blog will forever be dedicated to Jesse. When I write on it, I will always have him on my mind. (even if I don't mention him in the post.) So if you are out there Jesse, know we haven't forgotten you. (and you better come home......that is a threat;) We will never loose hope.

I do feel very blessed in my life. I've had a very happy one. I've learned so much. My kids are my greatest gifts and my husband my best friend. Thank you all for all your support and love. It has truly helped so much. Thank you. Thank you!

Trials Define Me....?

It has been a long time since I last posted. After Jesse's memorial I couldn't see myself ever writing again. I had feared writing would stir up feelings inside me I didn't want to feel anymore. BUT---late, late, late last night I decided to check my blog and read some old posts.

To my surprise, I had seven new messages waiting for me to read. Most of them were from anonymous people. Each message was a compliment of some kind. I was shocked. I didn't think anyone read this blog besides family. Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. It gave me courage when I thought I had none.

I've been honest in my thoughts and struggles I have had throughout these past 5 years without my little brother. For people to say some of my posts have helped them means more to me than anyone could ever know. If this blog has impacted ANYONE it has been worth the effort.

Over the past 3 months I have done a lot of thinking and healing. The memorial did more for me than I ever thought possible. It made me realize what I let my trials do to me. I was my trial.

Everyone is different and unique. Every experience we have in life influences us into the people we are today. Some people are soft spoken, some are loud, some are opinionated and judgmental. Our personalities and view on life is shaped by the trials we have faced. How we respond to each trial is what makes you strong or breaks you down.

My trials were in control of me. They made all of the decisions. They called all of the shots. I was broken. I knew I was broken. It was if I accepted that this was how it was and there is nothing I can do about it. I surrendered to my trials. They had won. I gave up.

Every time I thought I hit rock bottom the floor dropped another 5 feet. Rock bottom didn't seem to exist anymore. It was an endless hole I had fallen into. I had no hope of crawling out. I accepted my black hole.

Soon happiness seemed like a foreign word. I couldn't remember what the word even meant. This was my new normal. I felt a deep panic inside of me. My only thought was, "RUN!!!". I wanted to run away from everything. Run from the pain and confusion. Most of all, I wanted to run away from my responsibilities.  "It was too much", I told myself. I wanted simple. I wanted to disappear.

Kirt, my husband, had no idea how to help me. He couldn't help me. I was the only person who could help me.

I had a choice to make. Take this trial and learn from it and use it as a stepping stone in my life. OR, let this trial define me and control every aspect of my life.

Some trials can seem like the highest mountain. They can seem like they will never end. There is no top, just a steeper and steeper climb.

I think back to when this trial began and then see what my life is now because of it. I had to make a decision. Give in or get up.

I decided to get up. I prayed to God. "I am not strong enough. I am too weak. I can't do this on my own. Help me give this trial to you. Help me believe again. Take this pain away from me.....please?"

It took a little while but slowly my pain lessened. The anger and resentment I had felt towards life had finally left me. My trial no longer defined me. I defined it.

Everyone has challenges in their life. Some people I have met and talked to them about a challenge or trial they are facing. I have caught myself saying, "I could never handle that trial." How are they able to move on with their life and be so happy??? Then, I think of my own trials and am grateful for the trials I am faced with. I am grateful my trials are mine and their trials are theirs.

Trials can make you strong and teach you understanding. I am so grateful for what I have learned from my brothers disappearance. Although I would prefer he never went missing, the priceless lessons I have learned and the friendships I have made because of this trial are irreplaceable.

I view the world differently. I have learned that each challenge in life could always be worse than it is at the moment. I have learned to always try to look at a situation at every angle possible. How can I learn from this? What could this teach me?

My brother's disappearance taught me to appreciate family a million times more. They are a precious gift in this life. You never know if the moments you spend with them will be your last. I have learned to treat them more kindly and really appreciate who they are and what they mean to me. Sometimes we treat those we love the most, the worst, and those we know the least, the best. I am trying my best to make those special in my life a priority and not take them for granted. I love you guys!

Most importantly, Jesse taught me to live life to the fullest and then even a little more. Life has its ups, downs, twists and turns, but it is always beautiful. Some days it might not feel like it will ever be beautiful again. Sometimes it can be dark and lonely. But, the sunlight will come. It may take awhile, but it does eventually come. You will have the courage and the strength to fight another day.

And please believe me when I say it is worth fighting for.

I found my missing piece.....

After a long break, I am finally able to write again. In the past 4 weeks we have moved, gone to Lake Powell for a week, and planned and attended my brothers memorial......so writing just wasn't possible.

Inner peace. For five years I have had a deep hole in my heart. One that I thought would never mend. Inner peace was only a dream for me. But.....I am here to say, hearts can mend. There is life after tragedy, and the only way to mend that heart is by facing your challenge head on.

Thursday, July 11, 2013, was a life saving day. It was the day of my brother's memorial.

I had no idea how much I needed this.

I have finally received closure from an impossible situation.

Everyone in the family spoke. When it came to be my turn, I was sobbing. I thought I would never make it through my talk. But, amazingly, I was able to calm my crying and talk about my baby brother.

After I spoke a great peace came over me. I had faced my biggest fear. I felt so happy,

To celebrate jesse's life was what our family needed. Emotions were high, but in the end peace is all I felt.

I wanted jesse to know how much I loved him. How much I cared. I haven't been able to speak about him in public since he left.

A great weight has been lifted off me. I was finally able to do something for one of my best friends. That is what the missing piece was to my healing process. I found my missing piece!!!!

Isn't it strange, that the things that we feel most afraid of aren't really that scary once you finally face them.

I am so grateful to feel I have celebrated my brother's life. It was the last piece in finding a way to have some sort of closure.

I may never know where jesse is in this life. And that in itself is a true tragedy. But I finally found a way to look beyond my pain and beyond sorrows. 

I am for the first time in five years, excited for life. Excited to wake up in the morning. I love life again!!

After all my family has been through, I can honestly say, god works his miracles. I could have turned away and been bitter with the world. But through gods tender whispers and gentle touch, He carried me through this. Some days I was lucky to be alive. He saved me in more ways I can count. Thank you.

To my brother Jesse:
     My life will never be complete until I will see you again. The ache of your disappearance nearly killed me. But through constant prayer and after constant praying I have found peace.

I know I will see you. There is no doubt in my mind our lives will intersect again. I love you, my cute sweet baby brother. Life with out you will always seem wrong. Family dinners are meant to be with you. They will never be the same.

But my love for you is more than this life. It expands into the eternities. That love for you has kept me strong in a weak situation. You lived life so carefree. You taught me to not take my life so seriously. I love everything about you.

I can honestly say, had god not litterally lifted me up off the floor I had been laying on and carried  me back into reality I would have not survived this challenge.

God lives. And only through him can we endure our greatest life's challenge's.  Thank you to all who have supported me and my family. There is life after tragedy.............And it is wonderful.
                                                                                                 love niki

Memorial.....

Increased anxiety about this memorial fills me up inside. Is this going to feel like closure? I have no idea. I've never talked to anyone who's done a memorial. I've never talked to someone who had a "funeral" with out an actual body. I'm just grateful we get to do one for my baby brother Jesse.

The invites have been passed out! The plans are in place. I hope this memorial brings peace to all those who have suffered the ache of Jesse's absence.

To anyone who has a missing loved one, my heart goes out to you. The confusion of a memorial, such as this, is hard to take in. Mixed feelings feel me up inside.

Will I never know what happened to Jesse? Will I find peace if I never know? I am nauseous just thinking about the day of his memorial.

As I have said before, some of this blog is about how me and my family have coped with dissappearance of my brother. My hope is to let anyone out there who has a missing loved one, that there are others out there just like you.

My emotions are happy and content at this very moment. I hope that it stays that way forever. But I know there will be the waves of anger and worry that can creep up inside me. This challenge is a roller coaster of emotions that I wish would shut off.

As of today, my family is doing quite well. I worry for my mother. Her grief is unimaginable.

Some in the family are ready and want to do the memorial. Others are not. At what point do you have a memorial for a missing person? I wish I had a rule book, or a set of guide lines to follow.

Plans are in place. A light dinner with each family member set to share something about Jesse. Family all around celebrating a life we all treasured.

I wonder how everyone else feels. I'm scared to face this day. It is a strange anticipation. Eager to get it over with but at the same time, never wanting the day to come.

But---at the same time, so excited to be able to talk about my brother. I miss talking about him. For many, the subject is off limits or extremely awkward. What do you say to someone who has a missing loved one? Most are shocked at the news and change the subject.

How grateful I am for a night of complete honesty. For a chance to remember him. I fear I am loosing parts of his memory due to time. I am grateful for a reminder of how great he really was.

I am so grateful for the family that has been there for us. I am so grateful to those who plan to attend. It is a good feeling to know you aren't alone in this process of loss.

In all honesty. I am excited to see all my family members. This will be a fantastic day.

To all those who have lost someone, I am so sorry. These kind of days are the ones you think you will never face.

I'm just glad I don't have to face it alone. 

Scared to take a Jump....

In this journey I have been on called life, there is one thing for certain, nothing is certain. Your life is never laid out in front of you so you can plan accordingly.

In all my experiences, I have never felt so certain about this one thing.(that I will not be naming)

For example, how steady a job was going to be, or maybe the person you were sure you were going to marry didn't feel the same way, or you thought for certain, some of the challenges you have faced, only happened in the movies.

So I have my life planned out at 16 years old and am sure it will go exactly to plan. NO one can tell me differently, I will make it happen. People smile and nod. They think they know everything.

So this plan I have or had. It didn't really go exactly they way I planned it to.

Sometimes I find myself in shock at the challenges people face and are able to carry on with such faith and happiness.

Well, one if my little/big plans I had in life didn't work out at all how I expected. Actually I felt it blew up in my face. I found myself in wonder with God. "How could I have been so sure about something and turn out completely wrong?"

My confidence in myself was completely shattered. Trusting in my thoughts and feelings were now at question. I was mind blown.

A lesson I think I wasn't ready for.

Sometimes I think the choices we make are completely ours to make. There are no right or wrong answers. It is simply our choice. How little confidence I have in myself when the choice is up to me. I'd rather god tell me the right choice. Then I would never make any bad decisions.

I was wrong. How completely stumped I was when the choice I had thought so right, ended up being so wrong. It is a challenge in itself to admit you are wrong.

Just like thinking a job was going to be steady and the next day you are fired. Or proposing to your one true love and finding she does not feel the same way.You may find yourself hesitant to trust yourself with the next big decision in your life.

But I have learned that trusting in yourself is one of life's great lessons. Trust your instincts. Act on them. Just because life has not gone according to plan does not mean that it is not beautiful.

Trust yourself. Be confident in yourself. Life may seem crazy and can seem to take you in a direction you never thought possible. But there is reason behind it. Find it.

These twists and turns are set in place to challenge us beyond our capabilities. To make us strong.

"God does give us challenges we cannot handle. It is only through him we are able to face the rain and thunder that challenge our lives. Soon that storm will break way into that beautiful sunshine that is always waiting on the other side."

Trust in yourself. Your instincts are right. You just need to act on them.