Who was Jesse...

First and foremost Jesse Glen Pinegar was my little brother. Although Jesse was 22 when he went missing, that is not even a sliver of the person Jesse was....

Jesse was a truly amazing person. I did a post that was about memories we as a family had of Jesse, but, I never got to gush to you about how fabulous he was...

Jesse was and is one of the most beautiful people that I have ever met. Truly. Inside and out. If you were lucky, you got to be apart of his short time on this earth. I had the greatest and most freaking awesome blessing of being his sister. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel towards God for sending him to our family. He is a piece to our family that completes a great circle of happiness.

Jesse was hilarious. His sarcasm and wit could out smart even the most educated of people. Always the one with the last word, his quick jokes always caught you off guard but kept you laughing for hours. What was truly unique about his humor was the love that always came behind them. His lips would say one thing but his eyes would always give away his true love for you. Jesse cared for everyone he met.

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Jesse was gorgeous. He had brown hair and these chocolate brown puppy eyes that melted every girls heart. When he smiled, his eyes lit up. When he looked at you, he really looked at you. He really loved you. If you were talking with Jesse, you felt like you were the only one that mattered in his entire life. His eyes seemed to look into the deepest part of you and touch you in a way that very few can. His eyes said everything about him. They twinkled when he was kidding and deepened when he cared. I miss his eyes so much. Jesse's eyes are most everyone's favorite feature.

His heart never stopped loving. His faith in people never stopped trusting. The love he carried in his heart radiated all around him. When he entered a room, excitement would always sweep over. "Jesse is here!"
He was irresistible. You had to be near him. When in his company, all your cares cease to exist. With him, you are free. He is a breath of the freshest air. Talking with him is relaxing yet tummy achingly fun and funny. He would talk to you for hours about nothing and you would find yourself lying on the floor laughing your guts out because he has said some of the most random and outrageous things you have ever heard in your entire life. Jesse was too funny! He was everyone's favorite. How could he not be?! 

He may seem tough but he cares so incredibly deeply for his family. He had a sensitive side to him that was so loving and kind. Jenna, Megan, and I were the luckiest sisters in the world to have had a brother like him. He worried about who we were dating. He was always there to give us advice.

I remember when Jesse was in Hawaii and he called me. I was having a really hard day. I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with Landon at the time and I had not felt him move for about 2 days. I was really scared and was crying to Jesse about how worried I was about the baby. I knew Jesse was not involved in church anymore. I also knew he struggled with his belief in God. So his next comment touched my heart. "Niki, let me call you back. I'm going to pray to God for you and the baby. I don't know what good it will do but I want to help." I was lost for words. I began to cry even more. "You would do that for me?" I said. Jesse was quiet for a long time. "Of course Niki......You are my sister......I would do anything for you."

I waited for the phone call all night. I was so interested to hear what his experience might have been like. He had told me it had been over 3 years since he had last prayed. He expressed that it was very difficult for him to pray. It had been so difficult for him in fact, that three years ago was when he had promised himself he wouldn't ever pray again. He expressed how much he loved me and that for me and my kids he would do just about anything. But--It was getting late. I figured Jesse would just say a quick prayer and call me back. It had now been 3 hours since I had talked to him. I began to think maybe Jesse was not going to call me back.

 Finally the phone rang. It was Jesse...

Jesse's voice was very quiet but very confident. "Hi Niki. I just want you to know that your baby is going to be fine." I was silent. He wasn't finished talking. "Niki, you are going to be just fine. Everything is going to be OK."  I was so surprised at how confident he was. "Jesse. What happened?" Jesse slowly responded, "I don't know Niki. All I know is that you and the baby are going to be just fine. You are going to have this baby and nothing bad is going to happen." I cried. I believed him 100%. I never worried again.

We talked a little more. Jesse told me the reason it took him so long to call me back was because he had knelt down to pray and could not start the prayer. So he stayed kneeling for over an hour and a half until he was able to start his prayer. Even then, he said, the prayer took a long time. I think of my sweet brother and him kneeling down in humble prayer just for me and my unborn child. "Niki....you are my sister....I would do anything for you." 

Landon is the baby I was carrying while Jesse was in Hawaii. Landon is my only baby that did not have jaundice and have to go under the lights. He was my healthiest and happiest baby. Jesse was right.

That is who Jesse was. He would do anything for you. He would make himself uncomfortable to make you comfortable. He was selfless. He was good. He was Jesse. I mean WOW.

He was crazy! He could get Caleb and Adam to do the stupidest things!!! No matter how dumb something might sound on paper, Jesse could talk it up, tell it to Caleb and Adam, and get them to go along with it. It was crazy the things he could talk people in to. He was that magnetic of a person. You wanted to be around him. You wanted to be like him. You wanted to be him. Where Jesse was, you would follow. You knew you would always have a great time. It would always be exciting and life never got any better than when you were hangin' with the Jess master.

 The outdoors is where he is most comfortable. His survival skills are fantastic. He can go camping for weeks and love every second of it. That also meant he could go a little while with out showering......Jesse never minded a little dirt. It was not uncommon to see him and smell the yummy smell of camp fire on his sweatshirt. Jesse smelled just the way he was. WILD AND FREE.

One fantastic thing about Jesse is that he loves his mother. His love for her is soft and tender. Protective even. He cares for her so deeply. You can see it in those chocolate brown eyes when he looks at her. He is over a foot taller than her and I can see him giving mom a gigantic bear hug. He is gentle. He cares so much and thinks the world of her. He is a mama's boy through and through. Ham and cheese casserole is his favorite. (He gets excited like a little kid when she makes it.) He loves her cinnamon rolls too. To him, no one is a better cook than she. Jesse loves you mom. Jesse will always love you.


He is absolutely amazing but never realizing it. He is humble. I don't believe he ever knew how truly awesome he really was. That was his charm. So charismatic with a shimmer of shy. There is just no one like Jesse. He is one of a kind. Irreplaceable. I love that boy!

I miss my chocolate brown eyed brother. But I know he is in a happier, safer, and in a more loving place. I know he is where he is needed. I know he lives on in each of our hearts.

My son Beckham, who is 3, said just 2 weeks ago in his own 3 year old broken english, "Jesse in here." and he pointed to his heart. I believe that with all my heart. Jesse is inside all of us. Just like everyone is who lives in our lives and passes on. We are all so lucky to have that piece of them remain with us.

Just their memory is a beautiful thing. Because it can be passed on forever...

Temper, Temper...

Some days all I do is yell. Seriously. I wake up and the first words out of my mouth is, "STOP THAT!!!" Beckham has just slapped me because it is literally the 17th time he has tried to wake me up and failed. He is starving and thirsty. He has been begging me for his chocolate milk for over a half of an hour. He giggles his sweet, adorable giggle that melts my heart. He thinks the slapping sound is so funny. So he does it again. "Why child? Why?" I quickly sit up. I am furious. "BECKHAM!!! I SAID STOP THAT!"  He giggles again.

How do you stay mad at that? I slowly got up. "It's going to be one of "those" days..." I get him his chocolate milk and like clock work, Chase and Landon come plowing through. Chase hits Landon in the nose. A little blood comes dripping down his chin. Landon is screaming. I try to rush to him but Landon hasn't gotten his revenge. Landon grabs Chase in a head lock and they are down on the floor tumbling in circles. "What is going on?!" I thought. "Who raised these kids?" Chase is now begging for mercy as Landon has him in his death grip. I am still making my way over to them. "CHASE! LANDON! STOP THAT!!!" No response from either of them. They continue their feud as if I did not exist.  It is like I said nothing. "I SAID NOW! I MEAN IT! YOU STOP IT THIS INSTANT!!!" I am now pulling them apart.

Finally they are separated.They continue their fighting but now it is just words. "CHASE STARTED IT!" Landon yells. "NO, LANDON STARTED IT!" Chase says. Their arms are flying, swinging, and punching. I am now in between the cross fire of all the hitting. I now join in on the yelling fest. "I DON'T CARE WHO STARTED IT! I'M ENDING IT!" I grab each one's arm and take them to separate corners of the room."TIME OUT! YOU ARE BOTH OUT OF CONTROL!" Landon has now wiped the little bloody nose he had gotten all over his white night shirt. "AH! DUDE! WHY?!" I go to the other room to grab a rag to clean his face.

They are like magnets. As soon as I leave the room all  %$@%#*  breaks loose. This time they are laughing and playing. The fight is over. Now they want to wrestle.  They are a moving ball of disaster. Rolling forward, backward, up and down. Destroying everything in their path. I have left the room for literally 60 seconds. I hear a crash and then a shatter.

Silence. No movement. Then a whisper, "RUN!" Landon and Chase run as fast as they can upstairs. I come racing around the corner just in time to see their little feet disappear up the stairs. "CHASE! LANDON! COME BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!!!"

I am not liking the fact that I am sounding so much like my mother, it is scary. BUT---I can't help it. I find myself saying the exact same things my mother said to me when I was a child. I am finding everything she said to me makes sense. I swore I would never say the phrase, "because I said so." I always hated that phrase as a child. I thought it made no logical sense whatsoever. It never answered my questions. I swore I would always answer every single solitary question each one of my children had.   HA!   "Why is the sky blue?" , "Because I said so.", "Why is the earth round?" , "Because I said so.", "Why do I have to do my chores?", "BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!"

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!!! I'm tired. Everything should be because I said so. I birthed you child!!! No question about it. I am Mom. PLEASE! Just do what I ask!  Please....!

Chase and Landon returned to the family room. I was greeted with two pairs of the most beautiful blue eyes you will ever gaze upon. They were looking at me. Big and wide-eyed. Guilty. They felt guilty. My anger level is through the roof and my patience is gone. But their eyes tame my anger and the guilt I see returns some of my patience. Before I can speak Chase and Landon say, "We love you Mommy."

I am lost for words. I will never understand little boys. BUT---they are truly a wild ride that you hold on for dear life. Little girls color and read. They can have quiet time. I know they have emotions...but I understand them:) There is no quiet time at our house. There is full speed and off. If they are up, they are wrestling. (sometimes fighting) Heads hit walls, feet have gone through them, and they have all broken their arms already. (Our oldest is 6 and youngest is 3, all 3 have taken a trip to the E.R.) Our TV just got in a sword fight with Chase and Landon and lost. There is now a hole and large shatter marks throughout the entire TV.  ("the power rangers needed help mom!") Yes, the TV miraculously still works and I am married to an accountant....."If it ain't broke, don't fix it"

Some days I feel all I do is yell. Some days I feel all I say is, "STOP THAT!", or "DON'T DO THAT!", "STOP TOUCHING HIM!", "NO! NO!", "COME HERE!", "DO THIS!" and "DO THAT!" I swear some days I could loose my voice trying to shout over all of the noise in my house. I hate those days. But then those little stinkers tell me they love me....and dang it! I love them too!

It can be discouraging when in one day, all you feel you've done is yell. When all you feel is that the day has gotten away from you and you've made no progress whatsoever. I swear I feel that more days than I care to admit. But I wouldn't trade a minute of my "unprogressiveness" with anyone. My boys just said they loved me. That made my entire morning better. It turned my entire day around. Sure, I will never understand how one minute they can totally beat each other up and the next be best friends, but, they are so worth this crazy ride we are on.

So I yell. I hate that I yell. I wish I was little miss perfect with her soft little voice and her cute little apron that had it all together and never raised her voice when her kids were putting holes in the TV.  I really do. But I'm not. So I'm a work in progress. I'm Ok with that. 

So I start over the next day or the next hour. Chase and Landon said they loved me. It fixed the entire morning. Their little eyes reset my entire attitude. What beauty I get to witness is their sweet example of innocent love and admiration of their parents. They truly are such a ball of pure fun to have in my life! This is why it is great to be a parent. They are so worth it!

Mother

I have written about about so many important people in my life. But none so wonderful as my Mother.

I feel all those close to their mothers can relate to me when I say, I think my mother is the most amazing woman in the entire world.....Most daughters who are close to their mother's think that.

Her entire life has been one, big, gigantic, selfless act. She has dedicated her life to us 7 kids. (As so many of you beautiful mothers do.) Her love for us has been an unfailing, steadfast, and pure gift in our life. To have her as a mother was and is the greatest blessing god has blessed us with. I am thankful everyday I have her in my life.

Her strength is what I strive to have. Being a single mother was never in her dreams when she was a young girl, growing up. But she carried this family into great happiness and never let us down. At times, having 2 jobs and running us to dance and soccer games. She did it all. A fighter. Never giving up. Always pushing forward. Mom is the stitch that forever holds this family together.

Mom could never hurt a fly, but her presence makes you feel safe and protected. When she is near, peace is never far away. Love, is all around, and laughter is always at your lips.

Her laugh is contagious. Her giggle hilarious. True to a mother's standard's; she will laugh at all your jokes and tell you you are the funniest person she has ever met. Although you know she is your mom, she always makes you feel better about yourself.

She is my best friend. I can tell her anything and no judgment will come my way. She knows me better than I know myself. When I need her, she is there. She is there even when I don't know I need her.

Her beauty is incomparable. Because it goes beyond her face and into her eyes. In her eyes you can see the love she holds for every person she meets. Her eyes hold a beauty only a mother can posses. Her unconditional love for you is a just a sliver to how deep her heart feels for others. She is kind, she is sincere, she is mother. 

Although, she may have had to move a few times.....(Each time the home a little smaller).....it always feels absolutely perfect inside.....because she lives there. Her presence makes the home richer, brighter, and happier. I always feel like it is home no matter where she lives. She is home.

Her patience is something I strive to replicate each day with my own children. The steady kindness I felt as a child remains with me today as I raise my own. To hear mom raise her voice was rare and you were always guilty as charged. The worst feeling in the world is when you disappoint mom. But.........She never stays upset long.

Her ever forgiving heart is something you can always count on. Once you are loved by this woman, it is for life.

I love this woman. She is amazing in every kind of way the world could possibly describe a person. She has done so much for me in my life. I can not imagine not having her in mine. The love and sacrifices she has made in her life has made mine that much sweeter. I would not be where I am today if it weren't for her. Her dreams were to make mine come true.

She is what I have always wanted to be. She is what I always strive to be. She is my mother.

***If you are a daughter who is close to your mother, I think you probably all feel the same way about your mother too!!! THEY ARE THE BEST!!! I guess I better tell I think so!!!***

Secrets, Secrets, are no fun....Secrets, Secrets, Hurt Someone...

Did you ever hear the phrase on the playground, "Secrets, Secrets, are no fun...Secrets, Secrets, hurt Someone?"

Usually it was said to you while you were whispering into one of your friends ear. All the while, another child was feeling horribly left out. She is imagining horrible things are being said about her. When really the secret may have been just that you peed your pants and you needed to get to the bathroom asap. You just whispered in your friends ear because you needed them to cover for you while you made your get away.

Still the child left out felt hurt. She is your friend too. She is confused why she was not included or trusted like the other friend was.

This is just a silly misunderstanding at a playground. We all have misunderstandings. We've dealt with them our entire lives. We've fixed them and moved on. We all have different trials, weaknesses, and struggles. We all have secrets too.

Secrets that may have hurt others. Secrets that may have hurt ourselves. Secrets that are still hurting. The truth is, Secrets....secrets....really are no fun. The feeling of being honest and authentic is truly a gift.

I'm not faulting anyone for having a secret....believe me....I'm not:) I've got plenty. Yea, I know. You'd think with how honest I am on this blog you'd know everything about me....but yes, even I have secrets. There is a huge reason I started this blog.....for my secrets.

I found the weight of my secrets too much. My baby steps toward being honest with myself and family has been a real journey. I feel closer to them than I ever have before in my entire life. Their love and support for me has been truly amazing.

Family is a beautiful and sacred gift. I am so grateful for mine. Secrets inside of them can be devastating. Just like the child at the playground, I'm sure, at times, as secrets have come out, my family has felt hurt, confused, or untrusted.

Secrets....secrets....hurt someone.

So family, if in anyway you have been hurt, or felt utterly confused, or totally untrusted in the past......Please know we love you so much. We love your smiling faces. We love your laughs, we love that we have you in our lives. Please know if any feelings were hurt in the past it was not my intention. My thoughts were just to set things in truth and love. I love you all so much. I hope all is well.

Didn't mama say, "The truth will set you free?" 

Thinking...

                        

Spread love everywhere you go.

First of all in your own house. 

Give love to your children,

 to your wife or husband, 

to a next door neighbor. 

Let no one ever come to you 

without leaving better and happier.

 Be the living expression of God's kindness. 

Kindness in your face,

Kindness in your eyes, 

kindness in your smile, 

kindness in your warm greeting.

                                                                                       (Mother Teresa)

I have had someone look at me with kindness in their eyes and warmness in their smile. I could feel the love and meaning they had behind that smile. That smile kept my spirits high for a week. Just one smile.

I've always loved mother Teresa. This quote really got me thinking this week. It made me think of the word magnetic.

I have a friend who is just magnetic. Her face, her smile, her laugh, her personality, her everything, is just what you want to be around.

She is the type of person that you just can't get enough of. She is unique in the best kind of way. Her smile is sincere. She will make you feel like you are her best friend within a matter of minutes and immediately care for you.

If she is having a bad day she will make sure she does something for someone else, because that is what makes her feel better. She is completely selfless.

This quote made me think of these magnetic people we have in our lives. People who we see and our day is better. People who make me want to be a better person. People I see, and they make me smile my true smile.

I have such a beautiful family. Their smiles are true gifts in my life. I'm not just talking immediate family, extended family as well.

Sabrina, your smile is so beautiful and has brought me so much fun in my life. I always love it when I get to see you. You are an amazing mother.
Corie, your smile and giggle is contagious. I'm always excited to see you. You have helped me through a lot lately. I love you so much. You are amazing, you have no idea!
Stacy, I don't think you ever see this blog but you are the sister I never had. I love everything about you.
Justin and Heather Hanson, the cutest couple in the world! But seriously Justin, one of my favorite cousins!!! But I know you're on everyone's top 10.
Kristie, love your kindness. You are so fun to be around.Your children should be models:)
Livvy, you are absolutely amazing. Your strength has always been an example to me. You are beyond beautiful.
Emily (cousin), I just love you. You are so fun to be around and I miss seeing you.
Amanda, I love your honesty. You are so wonderful.
Grandma, your smile is my favorite. It warms me up and makes everything better.
Adam, I'm the happiest when you smile. You can't help but be happy when you are around. If you are around, all my worries cease to exist.
Cabub, I adore everything about you. You will always make life a breath of fresh air and so much funner to live in.
Seth, best smile in the world. No one can beat your smile buddy. Nobody.
Jesse, Yours is the smile I miss and cherish the most.
Jenna, Your smile shows your true beauty. You are warm, loving, and tender. That is what I love most about you. You are irreplaceable.
Megs, I am happier when I see you. Your smile has always been one of my favorite things. You are irreplaceable.
Emily, My other sister:), Your smile is a necessity in my life. You are one of my favorite people in the world.
Mamma, your smile has to always be there.....I don't know what I would do with out it. It is The best thing in the entire world. I'm so grateful god blessed me with such a wonderful mother.
Lexi, Chase, Landon, and Beckham, The smiles I live for. No words can express the warmth, love, and peace they bring to me.
My Hubby, The smile I wish never left in the morning. I love you.

These smiles have been the warmth, love, and strength in my life. I have always left their company and come out a better, happier, person.

Our kind and tender smiles can greatly effect those for good. When no word's could be found, their loving faces have been there for any support. 

I saw this quote and started to think......"How often do I smile?"

(No offense to any family not included in this post. I included all those who I thought might see this post....if you are seeing this post.....I love your smile too:))

Energy...

Energy. It has left the building. Whatever used to run this body is gone. It now runs on 5 hour energy bottles and energy drinks. I am a walking zombie.

Or so it feels like most of the time. Where did it all go? I used to be able to stay up for hours and wake up and run early in the morning; feel great and get ready for the day. Now, I'm in my PJ's all day, hair greased back, and fighting back crawling back into bed.

These kids are a ball of never ending energy I am chasing after. But they are on turbo speed and my max is set at 50. I'm always two steps behind they 5 steps ahead.

If I am cleaning one room they are right behind like a twister, leaving a room of blobby mess. If the house looks the same as when my husband left in the morning, the day is considered a triumph. I'm sure I have mono. Yes. That's it. I have mono. I must. There is no other way my body could be this tired ALL THE TIME.

I fell asleep on the floor today. Face into the floor, drool everywhere, sloppy, kind of fall asleep. My dog River got worried. She'd been laying by me for the past 15 minutes.

I woke up to a ball of fur on my head and an increasing amount of pressure. River was sitting on my head. It was time to get up. I hear a soft hissing sound and the ball of fur is gone in an instant.

Then came the smell. River had farted on my head and then bolted to the next room.

I had energy...

This dog was dead. I sat up as fast as I could.

The house was in shambles. Beckham was running at me full speed. NO DIAPER. He dives at me. I catch him.

Another smell. My hand slipped across his bum.  "No way!" Poop everywhere. "Really?" Beckham is giggling his cutest giggle so it is impossible to be angry with him. Instead, I run for the dog. I go to grab her to take her outside. I have forgotten the poop is still on my hand. Poop is now all over the dog.

I scream. "Poooo! POOO! It's everywhere!"

By now the kids have all gathered. They are all giggling. Beckham is still half naked.

What is it with my family and poop? I know I still have a potty training child but this is getting a little out of hand.  Why did my dog fart on my head?

I have made a new goal this week and I'm going to see if it helps...

I'm going to exercise every morning for 45 minutes and see if that gives me more energy. I need to be on guard for these little buggers. Who knows what they are planning next...

Can't Hardly Weight!!!

Life has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates the climber to steadier steps, till the legend, over steep ways to the stars, fulfills itself.
                                                                             W. C. Doane

Earlier in the year Kirt and I decided to enter into a competition against each other. A weight loss competition. I was so sure Kirt was going to win.

When it comes to competitions against each other, Kirt and I are really competitive. I hate loosing against him.

When we were first married we had never played a board game or even a card game together. So, we decided to play speed. It is basically a matching card game at lightning fast SPEED. So you can imagine when one person gets a lot of matches in a row, without you seeing any of them, you can get really frustrated.

I had grown up playing this game with my family and grandpa. I was sure I was a pro at the entire game. Plus, I was the one teaching Kirt the game. I was sure to win. Right? Wrong. Kirt was a natural. He wasted me time after time.

At first, I pretended I was Ok with it. But soon I was irate! I threw the cards down and ran upstairs like a child. "You're a cheater!" I screamed. If you have ever played speed you  know what I am talking about. That game can be the most frustrating game in the entire world. It is a game of pure honestly. You really can't tell what the other is doing until it is too late if at all.

Kirt ran after me. I screamed again, "Cheater!" I slammed the bathroom door. Kirt couldn't help but laugh out loud. "Ok....this is not happening." I sulked for 10 minutes. I felt so stupid.

Because of that one incident, (and other brief attempts), we have thrown up the white flag on games or anything that might have to do with a competition against each other. Until now.....

Battle of the bulge has been in effect for a month and a half. Kirt came home on day two and announced that he had a salad for lunch and I was furious. He could not win this one. He wins every time we try to do a "friendly" competition. One salad meant 3 lost pounds the next day. No fair Men can loose that easily.

We set up rules. All natural. Do it healthy, with real food. So.......what did I do? YUP..............You guesses it...........I cheated.

I went to a weight loss clinic. I decided to try the HCG diet. (I know what you are thinking....but, oh well, luckily I don't care what people think.) I've heard it all. It doesn't work, It does, It's a lie. You know, everything. I thought, "Well, I've been trying for over a year to get motivated, maybe this will jump start me."

So I did it...................Ladies and Gentlemen......................I have lost 22 pounds. I've been off the HCG diet for 4 weeks and my weight has remained stable and not returned to where it originally was. It actually worked!!! I loved it. I know it is not for some or even most, but I love, love, loved it!!! Granted I still have 20 more to go but I'm just glad I was able to do that. It gave me the motivation to get going and keep going.

Kirt has lost 5 pounds. Oh YEAH!!! Guess who's getting paid??? That's right!!! I am!!! Any ideas on where the money should go to??? I'm the winner of this one sucka!