There is so much beauty in this world. Filled with women of all ages. All races. All circumstances.
Beautiful. Tender. Kind. Loving. Woman have a gift. Making our dent in the corporate world today has made us strong and independent and even powerful. But our true power comes from within. Our true beauty is that we are tender. Our true strength is that we love. What is so beautiful about women is that we are soft and gentle. Kind and Sincere.
We are different. We are needed. Our hearts are deep and our love endless. Our tender hearts should be proud to be so open and kind, and never harden to life's cruel intentions. We are the heart the world needs to survive.
Powerful. You are powerful. Your love is inspiring. It moves the men in your life to be amazing. There is no measure to your worth. You are priceless.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Beautiful Brown Eyes and Dry Drowning
The kids were so excited to go swimming. I was exhausted but knew I had no choice but to give in to their demands. We all got dressed and went with grandma to the clubhouse. We showered off and all jumped into the pool. It was surprisingly warm.
So refreshing. Soon we were all smiling and splashing. My two oldest, Alexis and Chase, can swim. I don't need to worry about them. Landon and Beckham are a different story. I have to watch them carefully. So throughout our swimming I practiced with Landon and Beckham in teaching them how to swim. they were doing great and we all were getting into a rhythm.
So Landon and Beckham were jumping off the ledge of the pool and jumping into my arms. If you have ever swam with these guys, they don't wait for you to look and tell them you are ready for them. They jump and land on top of you as soon as they can. They love to jump at the same time. It is like catching 2 basket balls at the same time. Except...these basketballs kick, scream, claw, punch, and twist their way out of your arms.
Now remember, I am alone at the pool with grandma just watching. Kirt is working back at home. I am the only one in the pool with the kids. Landon suddenly jumps at the far side of the pool. I dive to grab him. We swim back to the others and begin to play. As I am standing with the kids I see a beautiful pair of brown eyes.
They are frantic. It is Beckham. ONLY his eyes are above water. His cute baby arms are outstretched and inches to reaching me. I immediately grab him and assess how he is doing. He is coughing and extremely pale. He must have been under at least 30 seconds. "My poor baby!" He stops coughing and lays his head on my chest. He is tired and still extremely pale. He was done swimming. We all left the pool.
I had seen an Oprah episode. (Yes. Yes. I know. I am an Oprah fan, so what?) It was on Dry Drowning. It totally freaked me out. So like any mother...I watched him all day for signs of it. If you don't know what Dry Drowning is I'm gonna tell you.
I am so grateful to live where I live. I am so grateful to have the modern medicine we have. I am so grateful I was able to go and get help for my baby when I needed it. I wish all could have the opportunities this Nation has. I'm truly blessed to be able to have access to medical help whenever I need it. So thankful for everything in my life!
So refreshing. Soon we were all smiling and splashing. My two oldest, Alexis and Chase, can swim. I don't need to worry about them. Landon and Beckham are a different story. I have to watch them carefully. So throughout our swimming I practiced with Landon and Beckham in teaching them how to swim. they were doing great and we all were getting into a rhythm.
So Landon and Beckham were jumping off the ledge of the pool and jumping into my arms. If you have ever swam with these guys, they don't wait for you to look and tell them you are ready for them. They jump and land on top of you as soon as they can. They love to jump at the same time. It is like catching 2 basket balls at the same time. Except...these basketballs kick, scream, claw, punch, and twist their way out of your arms.
Now remember, I am alone at the pool with grandma just watching. Kirt is working back at home. I am the only one in the pool with the kids. Landon suddenly jumps at the far side of the pool. I dive to grab him. We swim back to the others and begin to play. As I am standing with the kids I see a beautiful pair of brown eyes.
They are frantic. It is Beckham. ONLY his eyes are above water. His cute baby arms are outstretched and inches to reaching me. I immediately grab him and assess how he is doing. He is coughing and extremely pale. He must have been under at least 30 seconds. "My poor baby!" He stops coughing and lays his head on my chest. He is tired and still extremely pale. He was done swimming. We all left the pool.
I had seen an Oprah episode. (Yes. Yes. I know. I am an Oprah fan, so what?) It was on Dry Drowning. It totally freaked me out. So like any mother...I watched him all day for signs of it. If you don't know what Dry Drowning is I'm gonna tell you.
In dry drowning, a certain amount of water, or any liquid, is
present in the lungs, which results in the inability to take in oxygen
from the air that is inhaled. It does not mean that the individual died
in water, but simply means that there was no or little water in the
lungs at the time of death. Hence, the term 'dry' is given. Moreover, it
may also take place due to a damage to the respiratory system,
Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/dry-drowning-symptoms.html
Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/dry-drowning-symptoms.html
So if you didn't follow the link, the paragraph kinda tells you what it is. Everything was fine. And in all reality, you are in the most danger right after swimming or right after the child has inhaled the water. The 3 classic symptoms to look for are chronic coughing for 20-30 minutes and trouble breathing, uneven breathing and/or chest pain. If the child has dry drowning symptoms it can not be treated at home. It can only be treated at the hospital. Do not take any chances with dry drowning.
I was probably in the safe zone with Beckham, but I am an overly cautious, over paranoid, freak yourself out kind of parent. It had been 8 hours past the time he had been swimming. But I would never forgive myself if anything happened to my cute baby. So....later that night, Beckham had this crazy coughing fit and was coughing up a ton of water and his lips were turning purple. So off to the hospital we went.
They took a simple x-ray of his chest to see if he had water on his lungs. Luckily, His lungs were clear and we were good to go home. Sweet little Beckham was safe and I could sleep that night.
Confessions...
Disclaimer: This post is completely and utterly honest. I have had
this written for a while. I have had it saved but never thought I would
ever post it. I'd like everyone to think I have a positive outlook on
life and take a positive spin to everything. Never would I want someone
to come to this blog every time, read it, and find themselves
depressed. As a result, my thoughts on this subject have remained as mild as possible. Finally being honest to myself broke a chain I didn't even know existed. This post is not meant to depress anyone. Please don't read this if you don't want to hear an honest, deep, close to the heart, post. I was scared to tell you the truth. Here are my
confessions.
I thought I had it all together but I don't. It turns out I was just pretending. 5 years have passed and I hit rock bottom.
My wall of pretend flowers and roses burned and the weeds seeped through.
Where was Jesse? He was supposed to be here by now. His deadline was up. I am standing here at the finish line waiting and there is not a single trace of him to be found.
I am in shock that I have not awakened from this nightmare. "So this really is reality."
I see myself with my mother on Jesse's bed in Hawaii. I am with her.
I am watching her hold what is left of him. His clothes.
They are piled around her and her arms are wrapped tight around them. She cries in the silence. I cry with her.
"Why her?" I think. "Why did you do this to her?"
I am angry. I don't understand.
She takes a deep inhale of Jesse's scent that still remain on his clothes. Her cries become deeper and deeper. She sinks into the clothes.
I turn away. I cannot watch. The pain is too much. My anger is too great. My confusion, too strong.
She somehow makes it home. I am barely able to look her in the eyes. My heart has broken for my mother.
I awake from my dream but the harsh reality is---I'm still living this nightmare.
Our lives seem to carry on in silence. I cannot feel this pain a moment longer. I must turn this pain off. "In 5 years you will know something..."
The emotions slowly shut down and I was able to function.
Here I am. 5 years and still the silence remains. I know nothing more. I have a backyard of weeds I didn't know needed pulled.
I am angry. I want a funeral. I want to mourn like everybody else. I want to know he is dead. I want a body in a casket. I wanted to kiss him goodbye.
I don't want a memorial. I want a real funeral. I want closure. I'm not OK with the unknown. I'm not OK with any of this. I'm not OK.
I feel like I have to tell everyone I am doing great. That life is a climb and I'm enjoying every second of it.
Well.....if you say that, you're lying. Sometimes, it sucks.
It sucks He is gone. I don't care that life isn't fair. This shouldn't have happened. This shouldn't ever happen to anyone.
I can't pretend anymore. This is it. He really is missing. He really is gone.
How did this all happen? It is hard to face something when you can't actually face it. Denial is a great defense mechanism. It has been my wheelchair for 5 years.
It is OK.
I have found it's OK to admit I don't have it all together. I'm OK with admitting I'm not happy 100% of the time. I'm OK telling myself, "I'm not OK!". I'm not perfect. I'm just me.
Most of all, I'm OK admitting I feel a little lost. Stumped. I was so sure my life was going to turn out so much differently.
I love my kids and husband. They are my world.
But--I never knew I could keep a secret from myself.
It was so hard to admit I was holding out for a miracle that Jesse would return in 5 years. I know it makes no sense. But admitting my secret has lifted this weight off my shoulders. Being honest with myself and dealing with it has made a huge difference. I never knew admitting something could be THAT difficult.
What helped me admit my secret was a dream I had few months ago...
I was standing at my back porch and looking out across my backyard. I found myself arguing with someone I could not see.
"He is not coming back Niki. I'm so sorry."
"You are a Liar! He is coming back! He'll be here! You can't just say that! He is coming.....he is....you'll see....just wait.....just wait!!"
"No Niki. Come back inside."
"I can't. I can't. He's out there! Don't you see?! He's out here?!" I am pointing outside.
All there is, is an empty field of tall weeds. The weeds I have just uncovered from my fake garden. The fake garden I thought I had planted.
"This doesn't make you a bad person. You don't have to feel guilty. He knows you love him. He knows you care. You're not giving up, you're not moving on, you're just coming back inside to where he really is."
"How do you know where he really is?!"
"He's in your heart, Niki."
"I don't want him in my heart...I want him here...please! Please.....please......please....."
I sink to my knees, my hands slowly cover my face, and I begin to cry. The scene darkens and I am alone. I am now curled in a ball sobbing. I cry for what seems like an eternity.
I awake from my dream in the same position. The words from Helen Keller again speak to me,
"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose, all that we love becomes a part of us."
I close my eyes and fade back into my dream.
I am back at my back porch. As I come inside, I take one last look at my weeds and softly smile.
"Together Again, Our Family Forever"
For just family members....I need your e-mails. There is a little something you need to know:) themissingpiece777@gmail.com
I thought I had it all together but I don't. It turns out I was just pretending. 5 years have passed and I hit rock bottom.
My wall of pretend flowers and roses burned and the weeds seeped through.
Where was Jesse? He was supposed to be here by now. His deadline was up. I am standing here at the finish line waiting and there is not a single trace of him to be found.
I am in shock that I have not awakened from this nightmare. "So this really is reality."
I see myself with my mother on Jesse's bed in Hawaii. I am with her.
I am watching her hold what is left of him. His clothes.
They are piled around her and her arms are wrapped tight around them. She cries in the silence. I cry with her.
"Why her?" I think. "Why did you do this to her?"
I am angry. I don't understand.
She takes a deep inhale of Jesse's scent that still remain on his clothes. Her cries become deeper and deeper. She sinks into the clothes.
I turn away. I cannot watch. The pain is too much. My anger is too great. My confusion, too strong.
She somehow makes it home. I am barely able to look her in the eyes. My heart has broken for my mother.
I awake from my dream but the harsh reality is---I'm still living this nightmare.
Our lives seem to carry on in silence. I cannot feel this pain a moment longer. I must turn this pain off. "In 5 years you will know something..."
The emotions slowly shut down and I was able to function.
Here I am. 5 years and still the silence remains. I know nothing more. I have a backyard of weeds I didn't know needed pulled.
I am angry. I want a funeral. I want to mourn like everybody else. I want to know he is dead. I want a body in a casket. I wanted to kiss him goodbye.
I don't want a memorial. I want a real funeral. I want closure. I'm not OK with the unknown. I'm not OK with any of this. I'm not OK.
I feel like I have to tell everyone I am doing great. That life is a climb and I'm enjoying every second of it.
Well.....if you say that, you're lying. Sometimes, it sucks.
It sucks He is gone. I don't care that life isn't fair. This shouldn't have happened. This shouldn't ever happen to anyone.
I can't pretend anymore. This is it. He really is missing. He really is gone.
How did this all happen? It is hard to face something when you can't actually face it. Denial is a great defense mechanism. It has been my wheelchair for 5 years.
It is OK.
I have found it's OK to admit I don't have it all together. I'm OK with admitting I'm not happy 100% of the time. I'm OK telling myself, "I'm not OK!". I'm not perfect. I'm just me.
Most of all, I'm OK admitting I feel a little lost. Stumped. I was so sure my life was going to turn out so much differently.
I love my kids and husband. They are my world.
But--I never knew I could keep a secret from myself.
It was so hard to admit I was holding out for a miracle that Jesse would return in 5 years. I know it makes no sense. But admitting my secret has lifted this weight off my shoulders. Being honest with myself and dealing with it has made a huge difference. I never knew admitting something could be THAT difficult.
What helped me admit my secret was a dream I had few months ago...
I was standing at my back porch and looking out across my backyard. I found myself arguing with someone I could not see.
"He is not coming back Niki. I'm so sorry."
"You are a Liar! He is coming back! He'll be here! You can't just say that! He is coming.....he is....you'll see....just wait.....just wait!!"
"No Niki. Come back inside."
"I can't. I can't. He's out there! Don't you see?! He's out here?!" I am pointing outside.
All there is, is an empty field of tall weeds. The weeds I have just uncovered from my fake garden. The fake garden I thought I had planted.
"This doesn't make you a bad person. You don't have to feel guilty. He knows you love him. He knows you care. You're not giving up, you're not moving on, you're just coming back inside to where he really is."
"How do you know where he really is?!"
"He's in your heart, Niki."
"I don't want him in my heart...I want him here...please! Please.....please......please....."
I sink to my knees, my hands slowly cover my face, and I begin to cry. The scene darkens and I am alone. I am now curled in a ball sobbing. I cry for what seems like an eternity.
I awake from my dream in the same position. The words from Helen Keller again speak to me,
"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose, all that we love becomes a part of us."
I close my eyes and fade back into my dream.
I am back at my back porch. As I come inside, I take one last look at my weeds and softly smile.
"Together Again, Our Family Forever"
For just family members....I need your e-mails. There is a little something you need to know:) themissingpiece777@gmail.com
Love Her!
After my long weekend with my sweet but sick and dying patient I needed a little R and R. So what better place to go than the best place in the world??? Grandma's House!!!
I had just gotten off of my 12 hour shift with my patient. He had passed away on my shift. I was a mess. I had been crying almost the entire shift and could use a nice long car ride to calm down and cry a little more. A trip to St. George would be perfect! And if you have ever met my grandma, a visit to her is always a remedy for a pick me up.
The drive to St. George is a calm and very straight one. It is about 4 hours from my home. I was completely wired from the night before. So I picked the kids up straight from my shift and headed to Grandma's. (Yup....I still want my Grandma when I'm sad;)) The kids were beyond excited that they didn't notice my crying in the front seat almost the entire way there. "Good." I thought. "Just how I wanted them to react."
We arrived at Grandma's house and the first thing I love about her is that she lives in, (what I always viewed as a child) the coolest and most beautiful Retirement community and trailer park in the world. I mean, this is no ordinary trailer park....It has a club house!!! The streets are paved and the trailers are on cement pads. Wow. My childhood self would call this place paradise. I still see this place as my personal paradise. Why? Because one of the most important people in my life lives here. Grandma. She can bring comfort to you when you think no comfort can be found. Have you ever had a person in your life like that? This place is a magical place because she lives there.
We pull up and Grandma is always sitting by her door waiting. Of course when you come to give her a hug you will notice half of her finger nail is chewed off because she has been worried about you while you have been driving. NEVER be late, or, that finger nail will be gone. Then you will feel REALLY bad.
When you give Grandma a hug it always goes with a little kiss on the lips. She is old fashioned. A kiss on the lips is traditional in the family, (only with Grandma). If you have not been warned, like my husband Kirt, it will really take you off guard, (Too funny). I love that she remains herself and never changes.
We are finally there! I instantly feel it is like I am at my own home. I realize I have been coming to this place since I have been 10 years old. I have walked these streets for 20 years!! Lexi will be 10 in 2 years. Am I really that old? Crazy. We come inside and sit and catch up on life. The kids start playing with grandma's shell's she has collected with Grandpa over the years. So beautiful.
I tell Grandma I haven't slept in 48 hours and Grandma says, "Well GRAB niki, what are you thinking? Had I known that I would have chewed off three of my finger nails!!" I laughed. Where did she get that word anyways? GRAB? I love it every time she says it. It makes no sense and yet it makes perfect sense at the same time. She is the only person in the entire world I have heard use it. So I think she invented the phrase herself.
I tell her about life and she listens. I find she is a great listener. At times I wish I knew so much more about her. I know it is how it was back then....you didn't talk too much about yourself but I wish she'd talk more about herself. She is the most selfless person you will ever meet. She does everything for everyone. What would this entire family be without her? I'm am one grandchild. I went running to her. I know we all do. That lady is so wonderful. Don't you just want to squeeze her?!
My kids are dying to go swimming so we all go swimming. Grandma comes to watch. She is always a good sport. She will stay for hours just to watch. (Beckham nearly drowned and later was taken to the hospital due to a scare with dry drowning. That will be my next post. Today is about cute grandma.)
One thing I never realized but always loved as a kid is that you can't really shower at grandma's. You usually shower at the club house. It was always an adventure. We were always getting in trouble though. Something about the floors were too wet and the elderly kept slipping and falling after we showered. We could shower forever there. Hot water lasted longer there.
I showered all the kids and we all came home and grandma literally tucked me into bed like she did when I was little and took care of the kids the rest of the night. I laughed at her. It was so cute. How can you not love her? I was so exhausted. Luckily the kids were too. We all crashed and went to sleep. I felt like a kid again. Being comforted by Grandma's love and peaceful presence.
The morning came and we were greeted with pancakes and eggs. She fixed each of us our eggs individually how we liked them cooked. Do you know how long that takes for 5 people? A long time! What patience! Breakfast is the best with grandma.
I love her bluntness. If she doesn't like something she'll tell you. I offered her a chocolate chip cookie I had made once and she said, "I'll only eat it if it has at least 3 chocolate chips in it. If it doesn't have at least 3 chocolate chips in it than it is not worth the calories." I laughed and said "OK Grandma. I'll make sure it has lots of chocolate chips:)"
Grandma loves walks. We walked with the kids and talked. We visited Grandpa's tree they planted for him when he died. We went to the movies. We went out to eat. We relaxed. We hiked. We tried to fit all we could in. Grandma tried to make sure we were entertained the entire time. But we could have been fine just sitting there. Just a blast to be with her.
When it came time to leave Grandma looks at her watch. She tells you she'll call you at a certain time. You better answer or all of her finger nail will be gone. You better be home in the time frame she gives you too. She will worry if you are not. It is always sad to leave. A part of you always wants to stay. A part feels like that place is home. She is just that special.
Being with my patient and seeing all of his grandchildren come to visit him for the last time really struck a chord with me. I have been taking care of him on and off for about 2 years now. Some of these people I have never seen. I am not faulting ANYONE. I know EVERYONE gets busy. Including me. It was so hard to look at them and see the look of regret in their eyes as they turned and looked at me and said, "There were so many times we were going to come out and visit but something always came up. We should have just come. I can't even remember why we didn't." My heart truly goes out to them. I love and care for that family so much.
Do you know it has been 3 years since I have been down to see grandma at her house? That is why I just kept driving. I didn't know she got knew carpet. (it looks great by the way.) I was so glad I got to see Grandma. She makes me so happy. She is so fun to be around. Such a comfort. She loves all of us unconditionally. Who wouldn't want to see her? She makes you laugh. She makes you smile. When you are with her you really don't have a worry in the world. So WHY NOT VISIT GRANDMA??? I don't know why it took me so long but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me by just spending 2 days with that lady. She is magical. She has a gift. She can make you feel loved like no one else can. I need to take advantage while I still can! she is absolutely amazing. I just can't say enough about her!!! WOW. I needed that. We all need that. She is just a remedy for a better life. I love her.
Family, If you have any stories about cute grandma please share. We all love her so much. She needs to know. What better way than to gush about her. For all you others out there.....gush about your loved one. They need to know:)
I had just gotten off of my 12 hour shift with my patient. He had passed away on my shift. I was a mess. I had been crying almost the entire shift and could use a nice long car ride to calm down and cry a little more. A trip to St. George would be perfect! And if you have ever met my grandma, a visit to her is always a remedy for a pick me up.
The drive to St. George is a calm and very straight one. It is about 4 hours from my home. I was completely wired from the night before. So I picked the kids up straight from my shift and headed to Grandma's. (Yup....I still want my Grandma when I'm sad;)) The kids were beyond excited that they didn't notice my crying in the front seat almost the entire way there. "Good." I thought. "Just how I wanted them to react."
We arrived at Grandma's house and the first thing I love about her is that she lives in, (what I always viewed as a child) the coolest and most beautiful Retirement community and trailer park in the world. I mean, this is no ordinary trailer park....It has a club house!!! The streets are paved and the trailers are on cement pads. Wow. My childhood self would call this place paradise. I still see this place as my personal paradise. Why? Because one of the most important people in my life lives here. Grandma. She can bring comfort to you when you think no comfort can be found. Have you ever had a person in your life like that? This place is a magical place because she lives there.
We pull up and Grandma is always sitting by her door waiting. Of course when you come to give her a hug you will notice half of her finger nail is chewed off because she has been worried about you while you have been driving. NEVER be late, or, that finger nail will be gone. Then you will feel REALLY bad.
When you give Grandma a hug it always goes with a little kiss on the lips. She is old fashioned. A kiss on the lips is traditional in the family, (only with Grandma). If you have not been warned, like my husband Kirt, it will really take you off guard, (Too funny). I love that she remains herself and never changes.
We are finally there! I instantly feel it is like I am at my own home. I realize I have been coming to this place since I have been 10 years old. I have walked these streets for 20 years!! Lexi will be 10 in 2 years. Am I really that old? Crazy. We come inside and sit and catch up on life. The kids start playing with grandma's shell's she has collected with Grandpa over the years. So beautiful.
I tell Grandma I haven't slept in 48 hours and Grandma says, "Well GRAB niki, what are you thinking? Had I known that I would have chewed off three of my finger nails!!" I laughed. Where did she get that word anyways? GRAB? I love it every time she says it. It makes no sense and yet it makes perfect sense at the same time. She is the only person in the entire world I have heard use it. So I think she invented the phrase herself.
I tell her about life and she listens. I find she is a great listener. At times I wish I knew so much more about her. I know it is how it was back then....you didn't talk too much about yourself but I wish she'd talk more about herself. She is the most selfless person you will ever meet. She does everything for everyone. What would this entire family be without her? I'm am one grandchild. I went running to her. I know we all do. That lady is so wonderful. Don't you just want to squeeze her?!
My kids are dying to go swimming so we all go swimming. Grandma comes to watch. She is always a good sport. She will stay for hours just to watch. (Beckham nearly drowned and later was taken to the hospital due to a scare with dry drowning. That will be my next post. Today is about cute grandma.)
One thing I never realized but always loved as a kid is that you can't really shower at grandma's. You usually shower at the club house. It was always an adventure. We were always getting in trouble though. Something about the floors were too wet and the elderly kept slipping and falling after we showered. We could shower forever there. Hot water lasted longer there.
I showered all the kids and we all came home and grandma literally tucked me into bed like she did when I was little and took care of the kids the rest of the night. I laughed at her. It was so cute. How can you not love her? I was so exhausted. Luckily the kids were too. We all crashed and went to sleep. I felt like a kid again. Being comforted by Grandma's love and peaceful presence.
The morning came and we were greeted with pancakes and eggs. She fixed each of us our eggs individually how we liked them cooked. Do you know how long that takes for 5 people? A long time! What patience! Breakfast is the best with grandma.
I love her bluntness. If she doesn't like something she'll tell you. I offered her a chocolate chip cookie I had made once and she said, "I'll only eat it if it has at least 3 chocolate chips in it. If it doesn't have at least 3 chocolate chips in it than it is not worth the calories." I laughed and said "OK Grandma. I'll make sure it has lots of chocolate chips:)"
Grandma loves walks. We walked with the kids and talked. We visited Grandpa's tree they planted for him when he died. We went to the movies. We went out to eat. We relaxed. We hiked. We tried to fit all we could in. Grandma tried to make sure we were entertained the entire time. But we could have been fine just sitting there. Just a blast to be with her.
When it came time to leave Grandma looks at her watch. She tells you she'll call you at a certain time. You better answer or all of her finger nail will be gone. You better be home in the time frame she gives you too. She will worry if you are not. It is always sad to leave. A part of you always wants to stay. A part feels like that place is home. She is just that special.
Being with my patient and seeing all of his grandchildren come to visit him for the last time really struck a chord with me. I have been taking care of him on and off for about 2 years now. Some of these people I have never seen. I am not faulting ANYONE. I know EVERYONE gets busy. Including me. It was so hard to look at them and see the look of regret in their eyes as they turned and looked at me and said, "There were so many times we were going to come out and visit but something always came up. We should have just come. I can't even remember why we didn't." My heart truly goes out to them. I love and care for that family so much.
Do you know it has been 3 years since I have been down to see grandma at her house? That is why I just kept driving. I didn't know she got knew carpet. (it looks great by the way.) I was so glad I got to see Grandma. She makes me so happy. She is so fun to be around. Such a comfort. She loves all of us unconditionally. Who wouldn't want to see her? She makes you laugh. She makes you smile. When you are with her you really don't have a worry in the world. So WHY NOT VISIT GRANDMA??? I don't know why it took me so long but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me by just spending 2 days with that lady. She is magical. She has a gift. She can make you feel loved like no one else can. I need to take advantage while I still can! she is absolutely amazing. I just can't say enough about her!!! WOW. I needed that. We all need that. She is just a remedy for a better life. I love her.
Family, If you have any stories about cute grandma please share. We all love her so much. She needs to know. What better way than to gush about her. For all you others out there.....gush about your loved one. They need to know:)
5 years and counting.....
Every year it comes and every year the same reaction. I shrink away from everyone and find some excuse to keep me busy and pray to get through the day without seeing any flashbacks of the actual day we reported him missing. For some reason, that day forever haunts my memories. That day was the day that changed the entire course of the way I would live my life. It changed the way I thought, it changed my relationships with people, it changed who I was as a person. My perfect little bubble I had been living in had just been burst. Reality of all reality soaked in that day. It is a day, I'd rather did not exist anymore.
But it does. So I make the best of it. I can't say hiding from it is the best way to handle something, but its all I got right now, ok?! :) As I am writing this post my hands are shaking and my stomach is sick and tide in a million knots. It still makes me so sick not knowing where he is. Saying I know he is with God is a lie. Because I don't know that 100%. I'm never entirely sure. As I have said before, and I'm sure all my family members can agree, no closure is pure torture. Although, many would like me to say, "I know he's with God." I just can't say that. I hope he is with God. I hope he is safe. I hope he is happy. I have faith that I will see him again. I have faith that all this happened for a reason. I have faith I will find that reason.
My heart goes out to all my extended family members who are suffering as well. I know they love Jesse very much too. I love them so very much and their support through all of this has been amazing.
I say 5 years and counting, but, trust me; we are not counting. We try to forget that this is even reality. We look at pictures though, and it seems the life we had with Jesse was in a different lifetime. It kind of was, now that I think about it. Life is so different with out him here. We are so different with out him here. A family changes so much when someone goes missing. And of course when someone dies. The dynamics of the family is off. It is hard to find balance again. I still feel our balance is off. No one is replaceable in a family. If you ever feel that way, I promise you, you are wrong. Everyone has their place. Everyone is needed. Your absence would be piercing. Just as Jesse's is.
We are finally planning his memorial for this July and are so excited to celebrate his life. As I tell people this, I am surprised that I still get surprised at some people's reactions. It is so hard when those you think will be there for you are not. It is so hard not to be angry. Some have already been turning the invitations down. Some are random excuses and others are the truth. "Why are you having a memorial? You haven't found his body?" or "This is too weird and awkward for me, I'm not going to come." I am grateful they are honest. I really am. But hurt all at the same time. Remember, we are not inviting the entire world, these are close friends and family. I'm trying to put myself in their position and see it from their point of view, but dang it! I would be there for my friends and family if they asked me to, no matter how awkward it was!!!
Ok. ok. ok. I'm done. I really love them and respect their decision. But WOW. You kind of suck for saying that.
But---I can see how they might not be ready like we are. Everyone grieves differently. This is an impossible situation with emotions you might not understand yourself. I get it. I really do. Still, as I have noticed with all funerals, deaths, and memorials, emotions run high and feelings always seem to get hurt. Expectations run high and outcomes can run low.
If you have never had someone go missing in your family, I can understand it could be impossible to understand. So this is why we are doing a memorial now instead of earlier or later. We didn't do it earlier because we weren't ready to. We still haven't given up hope. We don't want to do it later because we are afraid we won't be able to find all of Jesse's old friends to help celebrate his life. We are doing it now at the 5 year mark because we feel ready. Not because we have lost hope. But because we feel this is the time to celebrate who he was as a person. We feel we can still contact those who loved him and would want to celebrate his life with us. We need some kind of closure. Although in a missing person case, we know, there never truly is until a body is found.
We may never find Jesse's body. We may never know the true story of what happened to him. Whether he fell off a cliff, committed suicide, or was murdered, we may never know. But---we can get together as family and friends and support each other in celebrating his life. It may be uncomfortable for some but not regrettable. Being there for others always feels better than when you are not there for them.
The celebration will be held on July 11th, 2013. At Noah's in Lindon, Ut. All those who loved Jesse are welcome to attend. The beginning or 1st hour will be filled with a few talks on memories of Jesse and a lot of musical numbers. Because Jesse loved music. Following the program will be really good food with Mr. Miner (Jesse's 5th grade teacher) as the DJ and lots of dancing. Jesse's old band will also be playing at the celebration so you won't want to miss it. Thank you to all who are helping make this happen!!! It is taking a lot of my energy trying to figure all of this out!!!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Looking Death in the Eyes...
As I have said before, I am a nurse. I work with nuclear and uranium poisoned patients. Lots of them are war veterans and others are old uranium miners. Most, if not all of them, have severe lung problems and struggle to breathe every second of every day. I am usually here to help them live their every day to day life. Today, one has chosen a different road. I am now here for him for a very different purpose. Hospice. I am simply here to make him comfortable. I am no longer here to help him with his day to day life. I am here to help him die as comfortably as possible.
It is a very unsettling feeling, looking over at this man I have grown quite fond of over the past year and a half, and know I am helpless in the outcome of his health. Everything I have been taught in my studies and work have just been thrown out the window as of today. My patient has decided he no longer wants to fight the battle. He wants to rest. Who can blame him? He's been fighting for years and still been sick most of the time.
As I sit in this chair and look over at this man lying in bed, I am literally looking death in the eyes. I can see it is not long until life no longer flows through this mans body. The feeling in the room is strange and I find myself afraid to witness his passing. It would not be the first time I have watched a person pass from this life to the next, but it would not make the moment any easier. Many are afraid of dying or watching someone die. Both do not scare me. At least I thought so until today.
Today I am afraid. I do not want to see this man die. He is kind and loving. Today death scares me. The feeling in the room is the same as it always is for me when someone dies. Cool, Quiet, and lonely. No matter how many people are in the room that is how it feels to me. I don't know how others feel, but this has been my experience. Today my stomach is in knots. I don't want to be in charge when he passes. Inside I still feel like I am seventeen and should never be left in charge of anything, ever. I hate that we have to grow up....
Since I have been in the health care industry I have witnessed 3 people die. When each person has died of course, I sobbed, and then I really start to reflect on my own life. This time, it is different. I know the entire family and patient. Looking death in the eyes makes me realize how unprepared I really am.
As I have talked to each patient over the years, there is one thing they will always say, "Enjoy your kids while they are young". Have any of you noticed that that it usually almost everyone's biggest advice? Maybe it is just me, but, that is the advice I ALWAYS get. SO---as I sit here looking across at my dear friend, with hardly any life left inside of him, his advice is like gold to me. A dying man's last words of advice is about his family. His lasts words of advice is about his kids.
So now, as I look over at my sleeping patient, I finally realize why I am terrified. I am terrified it is going to be me in that hospital bed. It is going to be me giving out the advice and telling my stories of regret. All I want now is to go home and squeeze my babies and be grateful for the love they bring into my life.
Sometimes it might be good for us to look death in the eyes. Face our fears and fight the obstacles life throws at us. Maybe we should treat everyone like this is the last time we will ever see them. Give them a big hug because this is the last chance you have to give them one. Say the thing you always wanted to say. (but were always too afraid to say it.) Stand up for yourself when you never had the courage to do so before.
When death stares at you, you can't help but stare back. You can't help but reflect on your own life and think, "Would I be satisfied if it all ended right here? Right now?" It's a definite "NO" for me. I am going to take my old friends advice and run with it. "A life full of regrets, is no life at all." I'm going to enjoy everything while they're young!!!
It is a very unsettling feeling, looking over at this man I have grown quite fond of over the past year and a half, and know I am helpless in the outcome of his health. Everything I have been taught in my studies and work have just been thrown out the window as of today. My patient has decided he no longer wants to fight the battle. He wants to rest. Who can blame him? He's been fighting for years and still been sick most of the time.
As I sit in this chair and look over at this man lying in bed, I am literally looking death in the eyes. I can see it is not long until life no longer flows through this mans body. The feeling in the room is strange and I find myself afraid to witness his passing. It would not be the first time I have watched a person pass from this life to the next, but it would not make the moment any easier. Many are afraid of dying or watching someone die. Both do not scare me. At least I thought so until today.
Today I am afraid. I do not want to see this man die. He is kind and loving. Today death scares me. The feeling in the room is the same as it always is for me when someone dies. Cool, Quiet, and lonely. No matter how many people are in the room that is how it feels to me. I don't know how others feel, but this has been my experience. Today my stomach is in knots. I don't want to be in charge when he passes. Inside I still feel like I am seventeen and should never be left in charge of anything, ever. I hate that we have to grow up....
Since I have been in the health care industry I have witnessed 3 people die. When each person has died of course, I sobbed, and then I really start to reflect on my own life. This time, it is different. I know the entire family and patient. Looking death in the eyes makes me realize how unprepared I really am.
As I have talked to each patient over the years, there is one thing they will always say, "Enjoy your kids while they are young". Have any of you noticed that that it usually almost everyone's biggest advice? Maybe it is just me, but, that is the advice I ALWAYS get. SO---as I sit here looking across at my dear friend, with hardly any life left inside of him, his advice is like gold to me. A dying man's last words of advice is about his family. His lasts words of advice is about his kids.
So now, as I look over at my sleeping patient, I finally realize why I am terrified. I am terrified it is going to be me in that hospital bed. It is going to be me giving out the advice and telling my stories of regret. All I want now is to go home and squeeze my babies and be grateful for the love they bring into my life.
Sometimes it might be good for us to look death in the eyes. Face our fears and fight the obstacles life throws at us. Maybe we should treat everyone like this is the last time we will ever see them. Give them a big hug because this is the last chance you have to give them one. Say the thing you always wanted to say. (but were always too afraid to say it.) Stand up for yourself when you never had the courage to do so before.
When death stares at you, you can't help but stare back. You can't help but reflect on your own life and think, "Would I be satisfied if it all ended right here? Right now?" It's a definite "NO" for me. I am going to take my old friends advice and run with it. "A life full of regrets, is no life at all." I'm going to enjoy everything while they're young!!!
A world where drills like these exist.....
I have worked two graveyard shifts in a row and my sweet little Lexi comes running out of the house to greet me upon returning home from my 12 hour shift. To say the least, I am exhausted. I am now not prossessing things in my head correctly. I need sleep. But I am so happy to see her happy face.
She hugs me and immediately says, "IT"S DRILL DAY!!! Did you remember?!" I look at her perplexed. Of course I did not remember. It was the furthest thing from my mind at that very moment. "Um.....No. I did not remember it was drill day." She looked at me half disappointed half shame-shaming me. I looked at her desperately. "Come on Lex. You gotta cut me some slack. I'm not awake. What do I need to do?" She tells me all the things I need to do and I am immediately bugged. Seriously?! Chase gets out at 10:45 AM and Lexi at 1:15 PM. I need to personally check them out of school or they will not be released. I realize it is a drill because of last December. (the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre.) Although I think it is a very needed and fantastic thing to be practicing, I am still so put out it is today of all days. I am tired and grumpy. I so don't need this today. Between picking up the two, sleep will be short lived. I struggle to fall asleep.
I end up only sleeping an hour that day. I have gotten chase. I didn't have to check him out. Picking him up was quick and easy. I had no idea what I was in for with Lexi. No idea.
Lexi calls me from the school. I am late. I feel terrible. I hurry and drive over to the school and cars are lined up all around the school and parents are walking into the school from far distances. I sigh and park. I am far away from the school. It is a walk to get there. I am still thinking very selfishly.
Then suddenly a flash. I see a mother desperate and devastated on the phone standing by her parked car in front of an elementary school. An elementary school that could have so easily been my child's elementary school. A picture I had seen from the December Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre. A picture I will never forget.
Reality was sinking in. This was a drill in case someone came to hurt my child. This is me coming to see if my child is alive after the unthinkable has happened. My heart sank and began to ache. Do I really live in a world where we actually have to practice these drills? I turn the corner and see a humongous cluster of students and teachers in parallel lines. Teacher's with clip boards in hands and each child's name on the list. The scene is so disturbing to me, I begin to cry.
Crying for the mothers who turned that corner and went to that teacher with that clip board and their child was not on that list. Just the panic I felt wanting to get my little girl home was horrible enough. I went straight to Lexi's teacher and Lexi raced into my arms. Instant peace. I love this little girl completely. I need her in my life. Only then could I calm down. But the tears would not stop. I felt sick inside for those mothers and fathers who came and left with those same feelings. Feelings of panic and pure terror that the worst has happened to their child. I felt the tiniest bit of panic and I thought I would burst.
I do live in a world where drills like this exist.
Our Elementary did an exceptional job in their drill. They would not release ANY child to anyone but a parent or a guardian. Those teachers knew their kids and knew their parents. It was amazing to see the organization and knowledge they had about their students. I felt comforted in this drill despite how disturbing it was to me. The reasons for why we have this drill is an absolute nightmare. But--I am so grateful they did this drill. It is a harsh truth. I hope the reality never comes to anymore schools in this world, but, we all know that will never happen. We have to be prepared. Thank you to our Elementary.
I am crying for my babies. I am crying for those innocent children and those brave teachers. My heart, my love, my tears, my thoughts, my prayers, and my entire empathy as a mother goes out to all who lost their sweet baby. My gratitude, love, and faith in the good of people goes out to the teachers that died for those sweet children. The world is truly a lesser place without them in it.
Thank you to those family members who have stood up to be heard and made it known we need these drills in our schools. Because of you my child is a little safer. Your pain will not be in vain. You have made my child's school a safer one. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart. Here is a list of those precious angels and their strong teachers. Thank you again to those family members who are taking a stand against gun violence.
Charlotte Bacon (2/22/06), 6 years old, female
Daniel Barden (9/25/05), 7 years old, male
Rachel Davino (7/17/83), Staff member, 29 years old, female
Olivia Engel (7/18/06), 6 years old, female
Josephine Gay (12/11/05), 7 years old, female
Ana M. Marquez-Greene (4/4/06), 6 years old, female
Dylan Hockley (3/8/06), 6 years old, male
Dawn Hochsprung (6/28/65), Principal, 47 years old, female
Madeleine F. Hsu (7/10/06), 6 years old, female
Catherine V. Hubbard (6/8/06), 6 years old, female
Chase Kowalski (10/31/05), 7 years old, male
Nancy Lanza, 52 years old, female (mother of shooter Adam Lanza)
Jesse Lewis (6/30/06), 6 years old, male
James Mattioli (03/22/06), 6 years old, male
Grace McDonnell (11/4/05), 7 years old, female
Anne Marie Murphy (7/25/60), Staff member, 52 years old, female
Emilie Parker (05/12/06), 6 years old, female
Jack Pinto (05/05/06), 6 years old, male
Noah Pozner (11/20/06), 6 years old, male
Caroline Previdi (9/07/06), 6 years old, female
Jessica Rekos (5/10/06), 6 years old, female
Avielle Richman (11/17/06) 6 years old, female
Lauren Rousseau (June 1982), Staff member, 30 years old, female
Mary Sherlach (2/11/56), Staff member, 56 years old, female
Victoria Soto (11/04/85), Staff member, 27 years old, female
Benjamin Wheeler (09/12/06), 6 years old, male
Allison N. Wyatt (07/03/06), 6 years old, female
She hugs me and immediately says, "IT"S DRILL DAY!!! Did you remember?!" I look at her perplexed. Of course I did not remember. It was the furthest thing from my mind at that very moment. "Um.....No. I did not remember it was drill day." She looked at me half disappointed half shame-shaming me. I looked at her desperately. "Come on Lex. You gotta cut me some slack. I'm not awake. What do I need to do?" She tells me all the things I need to do and I am immediately bugged. Seriously?! Chase gets out at 10:45 AM and Lexi at 1:15 PM. I need to personally check them out of school or they will not be released. I realize it is a drill because of last December. (the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre.) Although I think it is a very needed and fantastic thing to be practicing, I am still so put out it is today of all days. I am tired and grumpy. I so don't need this today. Between picking up the two, sleep will be short lived. I struggle to fall asleep.
I end up only sleeping an hour that day. I have gotten chase. I didn't have to check him out. Picking him up was quick and easy. I had no idea what I was in for with Lexi. No idea.
Lexi calls me from the school. I am late. I feel terrible. I hurry and drive over to the school and cars are lined up all around the school and parents are walking into the school from far distances. I sigh and park. I am far away from the school. It is a walk to get there. I am still thinking very selfishly.
Then suddenly a flash. I see a mother desperate and devastated on the phone standing by her parked car in front of an elementary school. An elementary school that could have so easily been my child's elementary school. A picture I had seen from the December Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre. A picture I will never forget.
Reality was sinking in. This was a drill in case someone came to hurt my child. This is me coming to see if my child is alive after the unthinkable has happened. My heart sank and began to ache. Do I really live in a world where we actually have to practice these drills? I turn the corner and see a humongous cluster of students and teachers in parallel lines. Teacher's with clip boards in hands and each child's name on the list. The scene is so disturbing to me, I begin to cry.
Crying for the mothers who turned that corner and went to that teacher with that clip board and their child was not on that list. Just the panic I felt wanting to get my little girl home was horrible enough. I went straight to Lexi's teacher and Lexi raced into my arms. Instant peace. I love this little girl completely. I need her in my life. Only then could I calm down. But the tears would not stop. I felt sick inside for those mothers and fathers who came and left with those same feelings. Feelings of panic and pure terror that the worst has happened to their child. I felt the tiniest bit of panic and I thought I would burst.
I do live in a world where drills like this exist.
Our Elementary did an exceptional job in their drill. They would not release ANY child to anyone but a parent or a guardian. Those teachers knew their kids and knew their parents. It was amazing to see the organization and knowledge they had about their students. I felt comforted in this drill despite how disturbing it was to me. The reasons for why we have this drill is an absolute nightmare. But--I am so grateful they did this drill. It is a harsh truth. I hope the reality never comes to anymore schools in this world, but, we all know that will never happen. We have to be prepared. Thank you to our Elementary.
I am crying for my babies. I am crying for those innocent children and those brave teachers. My heart, my love, my tears, my thoughts, my prayers, and my entire empathy as a mother goes out to all who lost their sweet baby. My gratitude, love, and faith in the good of people goes out to the teachers that died for those sweet children. The world is truly a lesser place without them in it.
Thank you to those family members who have stood up to be heard and made it known we need these drills in our schools. Because of you my child is a little safer. Your pain will not be in vain. You have made my child's school a safer one. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart. Here is a list of those precious angels and their strong teachers. Thank you again to those family members who are taking a stand against gun violence.
Charlotte Bacon (2/22/06), 6 years old, female
Daniel Barden (9/25/05), 7 years old, male
Rachel Davino (7/17/83), Staff member, 29 years old, female
Olivia Engel (7/18/06), 6 years old, female
Josephine Gay (12/11/05), 7 years old, female
Ana M. Marquez-Greene (4/4/06), 6 years old, female
Dylan Hockley (3/8/06), 6 years old, male
Dawn Hochsprung (6/28/65), Principal, 47 years old, female
Madeleine F. Hsu (7/10/06), 6 years old, female
Catherine V. Hubbard (6/8/06), 6 years old, female
Chase Kowalski (10/31/05), 7 years old, male
Nancy Lanza, 52 years old, female (mother of shooter Adam Lanza)
Jesse Lewis (6/30/06), 6 years old, male
James Mattioli (03/22/06), 6 years old, male
Grace McDonnell (11/4/05), 7 years old, female
Anne Marie Murphy (7/25/60), Staff member, 52 years old, female
Emilie Parker (05/12/06), 6 years old, female
Jack Pinto (05/05/06), 6 years old, male
Noah Pozner (11/20/06), 6 years old, male
Caroline Previdi (9/07/06), 6 years old, female
Jessica Rekos (5/10/06), 6 years old, female
Avielle Richman (11/17/06) 6 years old, female
Lauren Rousseau (June 1982), Staff member, 30 years old, female
Mary Sherlach (2/11/56), Staff member, 56 years old, female
Victoria Soto (11/04/85), Staff member, 27 years old, female
Benjamin Wheeler (09/12/06), 6 years old, male
Allison N. Wyatt (07/03/06), 6 years old, female
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