5 years and counting.....

It is official! We have hit our 5 year mark since we reported Jesse missing. This all is so crazy to me. How did we even get here? My sisters and mom usually do something or say something on face book to remember Jesse on the "official" day but I never can bring myself to do anything. I like to pretend the day never exists.

Every year it comes and every year the same reaction. I shrink away from everyone and find some excuse to keep me busy and pray to get through the day without seeing any flashbacks of the actual day we reported him missing. For some reason, that day forever haunts my memories. That day was the day that changed the entire course of the way I would live my life. It changed the way I thought, it changed my relationships with people, it changed who I was as a person. My perfect little bubble I had been living in had just been burst. Reality of all reality soaked in that day. It is a day, I'd rather did not exist anymore.

But it does. So I make the best of it. I can't say hiding from it is the best way to handle something, but its all I got right now, ok?! :) As I am writing this post my hands are shaking and my stomach is sick and tide in a million knots. It still makes me so sick not knowing where he is. Saying I know he is with God is a lie. Because I don't know that 100%. I'm never entirely sure. As I have said before, and I'm sure all my family members can agree, no closure is pure torture.  Although, many would like me to say, "I know he's with God." I just can't say that. I hope he is with God. I hope he is safe. I hope he is happy. I have faith that I will see him again. I have faith that all this happened for a reason. I have faith I will find that reason.

My heart goes out to all my extended family members who are suffering as well. I know they love Jesse very much too. I love them so very much and their support through all of this has been amazing.

I say 5 years and counting, but, trust me; we are not counting. We try to forget that this is even reality. We look at pictures though, and it seems the life we had with Jesse was in a different lifetime. It kind of was, now that I think about it. Life is so different with out him here. We are so different with out him here. A family changes so much when someone goes missing. And of course when someone dies. The dynamics of the family is off. It is hard to find balance again. I still feel our balance is off. No one is replaceable in a family. If you ever feel that way, I promise you, you are wrong. Everyone has their place. Everyone is needed. Your absence would be piercing. Just as Jesse's is.

We are finally planning his memorial for this July and are so excited to celebrate his life. As I tell people this, I am surprised that I still get surprised at some people's reactions. It is so hard when those you think will be there for you are not. It is so hard not to be angry. Some have already been turning the invitations down. Some are random excuses and others are the truth. "Why are you having a memorial? You haven't found his body?" or "This is too weird and awkward for me, I'm not going to come." I am grateful they are honest. I really am. But hurt all at the same time. Remember, we are not inviting the entire world, these are close friends and family. I'm trying to put myself in their position and see it from their point of view, but dang it! I would be there for my friends and family if they asked me to, no matter how awkward it was!!! 

Ok. ok. ok. I'm done. I really love them and respect their decision. But WOW. You kind of suck for saying that.

But---I can see how they might not be ready like we are. Everyone grieves differently. This is an impossible situation with emotions you might not understand yourself. I get it. I really do. Still, as I have noticed with all funerals, deaths, and memorials, emotions run high and feelings always seem to get hurt. Expectations run high and outcomes can run low.

If you have never had someone go missing in your family, I can understand it could be impossible to understand. So this is why we are doing a memorial now instead of earlier or later. We didn't do it earlier because we weren't ready to. We still haven't given up hope. We don't want to do it later because we are afraid we won't be able to find all of Jesse's old friends to help celebrate his life. We are doing it now at the 5 year mark because we feel ready. Not because we have lost hope. But because we feel this is the time to celebrate who he was as a person. We feel we can still contact those who loved him and would want to celebrate his life with us. We need some kind of closure. Although in a missing person case, we know, there never truly is until a body is found.

We may never find Jesse's body. We may never know the true story of what happened to him. Whether he fell off a cliff, committed suicide, or was murdered, we may never know. But---we can get together as family and friends and support each other in celebrating his life. It may be uncomfortable for some but not regrettable. Being there for others always feels better than when you are not there for them.

The celebration will be held on July 11th, 2013. At Noah's in Lindon, Ut. All those who loved Jesse are welcome to attend. The beginning or 1st hour will be filled with a few talks on memories of Jesse and a lot of musical numbers. Because Jesse loved music. Following the program will be really good food with Mr. Miner (Jesse's 5th grade teacher) as the DJ and lots of dancing. Jesse's old band will also be playing at the celebration so you won't want to miss it. Thank you to all who are helping make this happen!!! It is taking a lot of my energy trying to figure all of this out!!!