Looking Death in the Eyes...

As I have said before, I am a nurse. I work with nuclear and uranium poisoned patients. Lots of them are war veterans and others are old uranium miners. Most, if not all of them, have severe lung problems and struggle to breathe every second of every day. I am usually here to help them live their every day to day life. Today, one has chosen  a different road. I am now here for him for a very different purpose. Hospice. I am simply here to make him comfortable. I am no longer here to help him with his day to day life. I am here to help him die as comfortably as possible.

It is a very unsettling feeling, looking over at this man I have grown quite fond of over the past year and a half, and know I am helpless in the outcome of his health. Everything I have been taught in my studies and work have just been thrown out the window as of today. My patient has decided he no longer wants to fight the battle. He wants to rest. Who can blame him? He's been fighting for years and still been sick most of the time.

As I sit in this chair and look over at this man lying in bed, I am literally looking death in the eyes. I can see it is not long until life no longer flows through this mans body. The feeling in the room is strange and I find myself afraid to witness his passing. It would not be the first time I have watched a person pass from this life to the next, but it would not make the moment any easier. Many are afraid of dying or watching someone die. Both do not scare me. At least I thought so until today.

Today I am afraid. I do not want to see this man die. He is kind and loving. Today death scares me. The feeling in the room is the same as it always is for me when someone dies. Cool, Quiet, and lonely. No matter how many people are in the room that is how it feels to me. I don't know how others feel, but this has been my experience. Today my stomach is in knots. I don't want to be in charge when he passes. Inside I still feel like I am seventeen and should never be left in charge of anything, ever. I hate that we have to grow up....

Since I have been in the health care industry I have witnessed 3 people die. When each person has died of course, I sobbed, and then I really start to reflect on my own life. This time, it is different. I know the entire family and patient. Looking death in the eyes makes me realize how unprepared I really am.

As I have talked to each patient over the years, there is one thing they will always say, "Enjoy your kids while they are young". Have any of you noticed that that it usually almost everyone's biggest advice? Maybe it is just me, but, that is the advice I ALWAYS get. SO---as I sit here looking across at my dear friend, with hardly any life left inside of him, his advice is like gold to me. A dying man's last words of advice is about his family. His lasts words of advice is about his kids.

So now, as I look over at my sleeping patient, I finally realize why I am terrified. I am terrified it is going to be me in that hospital bed. It is going to be me giving out the advice and telling my stories of regret. All I want now is to go home and squeeze my babies and be grateful for the love they bring into my life.

Sometimes it might be good for us to look death in the eyes. Face our fears and fight the obstacles life throws at us. Maybe we should treat everyone like this is the last time we will ever see them. Give them a big hug because this is the last chance you have to give them one. Say the thing you always wanted to say. (but were always too afraid to say it.) Stand up for yourself when you never had the courage to do so before.

When death stares at you, you can't help but stare back. You can't help but reflect on your own life and think, "Would I be satisfied if it all ended right here? Right now?" It's a definite "NO" for me. I am going to take my old friends advice and run with it. "A life full of regrets, is no life at all." I'm going to enjoy everything while they're young!!!