Confessions...

Disclaimer: This post is completely and utterly honest. I have had this written for a while. I have had it saved but never thought I would ever post it. I'd like everyone to think I have a positive outlook on life and take a positive spin to everything. Never would I want someone to come to this blog every time, read it, and find themselves depressed. As a result, my thoughts on this subject have remained as mild as possible. Finally being honest to myself broke a chain I didn't even know existed. This post is not meant to depress anyone. Please don't read this if you don't want to hear an honest, deep, close to the heart, post. I was scared to tell you the truth.  Here are my confessions.

I thought I had it all together but I don't. It turns out I was just pretending. 5 years have passed and I hit rock bottom.

My wall of pretend flowers and roses burned and the weeds seeped through.

Where was Jesse? He was supposed to be here by now. His deadline was up. I am standing here at the finish line waiting and there is not a single trace of him to be found.

I am in shock that I have not awakened from this nightmare. "So this really is reality." 

 I see myself with my mother on Jesse's bed in Hawaii. I am with her.

I am watching her hold what is left of him. His clothes.

They are piled around her and her arms are wrapped tight around them. She cries in the silence. I cry with her.

"Why her?" I think. "Why did you do this to her?"

I am angry. I don't understand.

She takes a deep inhale of Jesse's scent that still remain on his clothes. Her cries become deeper and deeper. She sinks into the clothes.

I turn away. I cannot watch. The pain is too much. My anger is too great. My confusion, too strong.

She somehow makes it home. I am barely able to look her in the eyes. My heart has broken for my mother.

I awake from my dream but the harsh reality is---I'm still living this nightmare.

Our lives seem to carry on in silence. I cannot feel this pain a moment longer. I must turn this pain off. "In 5 years you will know something..."

The emotions slowly shut down and I was able to function.

Here I am. 5 years and still the silence remains. I know nothing more. I have a backyard of weeds I didn't know needed pulled.

I am angry. I want a funeral. I want to mourn like everybody else. I want to know he is dead. I want a body in a casket. I wanted to kiss him goodbye.

I don't want a memorial. I want a real funeral. I want closure. I'm not OK with the unknown. I'm not OK with any of this. I'm not OK.

I feel like I have to tell everyone I am doing great. That life is a climb and I'm enjoying every second of it.

Well.....if you say that, you're lying. Sometimes, it sucks.

It sucks He is gone. I don't care that life isn't fair. This shouldn't have happened. This shouldn't ever happen to anyone.

I can't pretend anymore. This is it. He really is missing. He really is gone.

How did this all happen? It is hard to face something when you can't actually face it. Denial is a great defense mechanism. It has been my wheelchair for 5 years.

It is OK.

I have found it's OK to admit I don't have it all together. I'm OK with admitting I'm not happy 100% of the time. I'm OK telling myself, "I'm not OK!". I'm not perfect. I'm just me.

Most of all, I'm OK admitting I feel a little lost. Stumped. I was so sure my life was going to turn out so much differently.

I love my kids and husband. They are my world. 

But--I never knew I could keep a secret from myself.

It was so hard to admit I was holding out for a miracle that Jesse would return in 5 years. I know it makes no sense. But admitting my secret has lifted this weight off my shoulders. Being honest with myself and dealing with it has made a huge difference. I never knew admitting something could be THAT difficult.

What helped me admit my secret was a dream I had few months ago...

I was standing at my back porch and looking out across my backyard. I found myself arguing with someone I could not see.

"He is not coming back Niki. I'm so sorry."

"You are a Liar! He is coming back! He'll be here! You can't just say that! He is coming.....he is....you'll see....just wait.....just wait!!"

"No Niki. Come back inside."

"I can't. I can't. He's out there! Don't you see?!  He's out here?!" I am pointing outside.

All there is, is an empty field of tall weeds. The weeds I have just uncovered from my fake garden. The fake garden I thought I had planted.

 "This doesn't make you a bad person. You don't have to feel guilty. He knows you love him. He knows you care. You're not giving up, you're not moving on, you're just coming back inside to where he really is."

"How do you know where he really is?!"

"He's in your heart, Niki."

"I don't want him in my heart...I want him here...please! Please.....please......please....."

I sink to my knees, my hands slowly cover my face, and I begin to cry. The scene darkens and I am alone. I am now curled in a ball sobbing. I cry for what seems like an eternity.

I awake from my dream in the same position. The words from Helen Keller again speak to me,

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose, all that we love becomes a part of us."

I close my eyes and fade back into my dream.

I am back at my back porch. As I come inside, I take one last look at my weeds and softly smile.  

"Together Again, Our Family Forever"





For just family members....I need your e-mails. There is a little something you need to know:) themissingpiece777@gmail.com