Do you remember the Merry-Go-Round? You know, the one at the park where you had to grab a hold of it, start running, spin it in a circle as fast as you could, hop on the metal plate with little bars, and hold on for dear life? The one where if you spun in the circle fast enough one of your friends, or you, would go spinning off if you didn't hold on tight enough? The one that made you so dizzy you thought you would barf right then and there, but, at the same time, made you giggle so hard you thought you peed yourself?
Or what Jungle gym tower made of just metal bars??? OH yeah! That one nearly killed me a few times!!! How did we survive? I remember being left to run the neighborhood for hours. Mom just had dad whistle to have us come home. It is crazy to think about doing that now.
I played on that Merry-go-round every time we went to the park. It was my favorite thing at the park.
Where is my Merry-go-Round???
OK. So I am guilty. I don't know if I would let my kids play on it! Sad huh?! I know why is it not in the playgrounds anymore. I am so afraid of them getting badly hurt and trapped underneath that thing. But--I can remember on more than on occasion that thing beating me up pretty good. So, I learned, and never did that again. But I'm noticing my protectiveness is getting in the way of them just being kids.
My mom used to have chicken pock parties. Now it is sanitize, disinfect, isolate. Her way sounds funner:)
By the way I act sometimes it is like I want the playground padded. I'm sure with all the rules I have set up for my kids I'm setting myself up for a revolt when they are teenagers. Saying "they never experienced life and we were too restricting."
I miss the merry-go-round and the metal bars of doom. I know they are way too dangerous but I wonder if I put so much padding on life and my kids that I forget to let kids just be KIDS.
(Who break their arm occasionally at the playground......)
Monday, April 15, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Kids say the darndest things...
So I'm going in a complete different direction this time. Still going with the same theme, still being honest, just thought I'd lighten the mood a little...
My kids and I stayed up way too late one night talking. When I put the kids to bed it's a pretty laid back scenario. I don't have a strict schedule. It drives my husband crazy! It can take me up to and hour and a half to put those kids to bed. I find those little babies minds too funny! We stay up and talk about anything and everything. If you get a kid talking long enough.....their thoughts will fascinate you. My boys especially.
If you get them at night and when they are tired.....it is late night comedy at its best. A pure laugh fest if you let it.
My boys can talk about and do some of the grossest stuff. I know I should tell them, "Chase! Landon! Becks! Stop talking about your farts!" and "Who cares who's poop is bigger today!" or "Why do you have to sword fight with your pee every time you go to the bathroom?!" But I find myself just laughing in the corner like a child all the time. Who said kids weren't the coolest entertainment God ever blessed us with?!
I am finding this growing up thing a little challenging. How am I supposed to tell my kids to stop doing and saying stuff I personally think is quite hilarious? I can't lie, can I?! My personal ethics are at stake here!! They are like my stay at home comics. Why do I have to be the one to tell them they are behaving poorly? When in reality, I just think, "Oh.....now THAT was funny!!"
I remember the very first time the thought entered my mind to get a boob job. I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying off. I was leaning over and rolling my hair up in a towel. My then, 2 year old chase, came bursting through the bathroom door. His eyes immediately went wide and looked straight at my boobs. I hurried and covered them. Chase hurries and says, "Mommy, how long are those?!" I was in shock.
"How....how.....rude!" I look down and take a peak. "AWE! They are long!" I thought for a second. "Oh man!!! Now I will have to get them done!!" ---It was a hard day for me--
Yet still they remain. Long and flappy:)
Landon and chase were wrestling, and Chase was on top of Landon bouncing up and down. Landon kept letting out little farts every now and again. Chase says, "Landon, stop farting! You know you can control your farts!!" Landon immediately responds angrily, "No I can't chase, not when you're sitting on me! That's what makes farts pop!"
Now when I hear those arguments I am just hysterically laughing and no parenting will ever occur to this one! It was a winner. Too funny to ruin. I did come in and tell them they made me laugh and that I loved them, though....
Hey, it made them stop arguing. That's the important part, right? Ummmm.......ok, I may have a problem with disciplining things if they are hilarious.
A great example of that is when Aunt Jenna came to visit. Aunt Jenna is young and extremely beautiful. Not only that, she's got some great knockers. (boobies) She comes inside the house and is wearing a low cut v-neck shirt.
Chase and Landon come racing to hug their aunt Jenna. She swoops them in her arms and squeezes them as hard as she can. Their faces all plunge down her neckline. Jenna lets them go. Their hands immediately grab her breasts. (They are 5 and 6)
"What are those?" Landon asks. "AHHHH!!!" Jenna was taken completely off guard. "HAHAHAHA!" I burst out with no control whatsoever. I calm down after what takes A LOT of effort. "I mean, Chase! Landon! No touching Aunt Jenna's boobies!!!" Jenna just looks at me in disbelief. I'm still holding back my laughs. She has now been laughing for awhile too.
"I forgot to tell you that plunging neck lines are a no-no in this house hold. For some reason tiny little hands flock to them."
"Aunt Jenna!" Landon pleaded. "You still didn't answer my question! WHAT ARE THOSE?!" I suddenly realize why they are asking the question to her and not me. Hers looks lots nicer than mine. They aren't "long and flappy", they are huge and perky. I am again offended......man that boob job sounds nice.
Jenna is still laughing. Before I can tell Landon to stop talking to my sister about her private parts and give him the whole speech thing you gotta do as parents, she tells them they are her BOOBS.
Awe Man! Landon's eyes got wide and he smiled his biggest grin. He then said the comment every mother needs to hear to help her realize she really does have a boy living in the house with her. Not her perfect little baby child but a full fledged boy who's growing up and develop hormones. Or noticing what he likes about girls. Landon says, "I like those!" he smiles and stares. "AHHHHH!!!" Jenna covers herself with a jacket.
"I told you! No plunging neck lines!!!" I laughed. Later I listened to the boys talk about boobies and how soft and fun they thought they were. But---they know it is a private part and you can't touch, stare, ask anyone about their private parts. They know to come to me now. No touching random girls boobs. Yea for me! I taught them a lesson!!
Wow! Sometimes I have these conversations with my boys and I think, REALLY? Already? Am I that old? Can I really be having these talks already?But then the classic story of Chase and Landon at the soccer fields...
We were at Lexi's soccer game and Chase and Landon were wrestling around like they always do. Then, A group of girls walk by.......and automatically they both freeze in their tracks and stare. I was in shock. Chase is only 6 years old and Landon is 4. What is going on??? Chase whispers to Landon and says, "Landon, tell those girl to come here." Landon looks at you half angry, half confused, "Why can't you do it?". Chase, "because I told you to do it first! Now do it." Landon looks at Chase defiantly and then takes the defeat, "oh, okay. But next time it's your turn!" I am thinking to myself, "Next time? Do they do this often? What is going on?" I decide to let all of this play out. I am totally curious if my boys are actually trying to pick up on a group of 15 and 16 year old girls. The group of girls are standing about 30 feet from them and I am hiding in the background where no one can see. Landon shouts, "Hey girls! Come here!"
And then both Chase and Landon start flexing for them.........I am dying! This is too funny! The girls are not impressed, (obviously). They replied, "No!" and turned and started to leave. Chase whispers in Landon's ear again, "Tell them if they don't come over here, we're going to beat them up!" Landon replies, "Awe Chase. Do I have too?" and Chase says, "YES!! Now stop being a baby and do it!" Chase gives Landon a little nudge and yells so loud a few heads even turn to see who was yelling. "Hey girls! If you don't come over here we're going to beat you up." This is when I finally intervene. "Chase, Landon!! If you want to pick up on a girl, threatening to beat her up does not make her want to come over and talk to you." Both of them looked so confused.
They are just too funny!!! But after having kids and after many nights of talking to them there some things even I have not grown up from. (I know, I know, real SHOCKER there huh?!)
So ladies and gentlemen I'm gonna let ya in on a little bit of a secret.....things I don't tell anyone. But the kids and I's conversation was too funny not to post about. We were asking each other what are some things you do that you would normally never admit to doing. It started out shy and then got crazy funny.
Despite my better judgment,.......I wrote down mine. My kids loved that I participated in the game. Now.....Don't judge me, love me. Because dang it!! I'm freaking awesome! I may have a few screws loose but I like it that way.
Here is the list. (Of course, some of these I did not tell my children.) Remember....no judging....
I'm afraid of the dark. If Kirt would let me, I would have a night light on every night. I am still sure the girl in the movie, "The Ring", is out to get me.
If a TV goes fuzzy...it will induce a full fledged panic attack. (Oh....she's real people!!!)
I hate shopping. (Don't tell my girl friends! I like to get in and get out!)
I still like to watch Power Rangers. (The red one is my favorite.)
If I bounce on a tramp, my uterus usually feels like it falls out of my HOO-HAA. (SO sure that is not a good thing...)
I sometimes rewind kissing scenes over and over because I think they are so romantic and I wish I was the one kissing the leading man..........(scandalous I know!!! Don't worry, Kirt knows and loves me anyways. He knows he's the hottest man in the world to me anyways.)
I love I can blame all my farts in the stores on my kids and walk away. (I mean, who'd believe them?)
If I could, I would play in the McDonald play place play land. I want to crawl around in those tubes!
I still pee-pee in public pools. Only on occasion.....(Don't tell ANYONE!!!)
If I fart, I have to smell them.........."Gross Niki!" I know!
Those kids are too much fun. Laughing with them is my best medicine. I'm not going to have stay at home, late night comedy forever. Better get it while its hot!
My kids and I stayed up way too late one night talking. When I put the kids to bed it's a pretty laid back scenario. I don't have a strict schedule. It drives my husband crazy! It can take me up to and hour and a half to put those kids to bed. I find those little babies minds too funny! We stay up and talk about anything and everything. If you get a kid talking long enough.....their thoughts will fascinate you. My boys especially.
If you get them at night and when they are tired.....it is late night comedy at its best. A pure laugh fest if you let it.
My boys can talk about and do some of the grossest stuff. I know I should tell them, "Chase! Landon! Becks! Stop talking about your farts!" and "Who cares who's poop is bigger today!" or "Why do you have to sword fight with your pee every time you go to the bathroom?!" But I find myself just laughing in the corner like a child all the time. Who said kids weren't the coolest entertainment God ever blessed us with?!
I am finding this growing up thing a little challenging. How am I supposed to tell my kids to stop doing and saying stuff I personally think is quite hilarious? I can't lie, can I?! My personal ethics are at stake here!! They are like my stay at home comics. Why do I have to be the one to tell them they are behaving poorly? When in reality, I just think, "Oh.....now THAT was funny!!"
I remember the very first time the thought entered my mind to get a boob job. I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying off. I was leaning over and rolling my hair up in a towel. My then, 2 year old chase, came bursting through the bathroom door. His eyes immediately went wide and looked straight at my boobs. I hurried and covered them. Chase hurries and says, "Mommy, how long are those?!" I was in shock.
"How....how.....rude!" I look down and take a peak. "AWE! They are long!" I thought for a second. "Oh man!!! Now I will have to get them done!!" ---It was a hard day for me--
Yet still they remain. Long and flappy:)
Landon and chase were wrestling, and Chase was on top of Landon bouncing up and down. Landon kept letting out little farts every now and again. Chase says, "Landon, stop farting! You know you can control your farts!!" Landon immediately responds angrily, "No I can't chase, not when you're sitting on me! That's what makes farts pop!"
Now when I hear those arguments I am just hysterically laughing and no parenting will ever occur to this one! It was a winner. Too funny to ruin. I did come in and tell them they made me laugh and that I loved them, though....
Hey, it made them stop arguing. That's the important part, right? Ummmm.......ok, I may have a problem with disciplining things if they are hilarious.
A great example of that is when Aunt Jenna came to visit. Aunt Jenna is young and extremely beautiful. Not only that, she's got some great knockers. (boobies) She comes inside the house and is wearing a low cut v-neck shirt.
Chase and Landon come racing to hug their aunt Jenna. She swoops them in her arms and squeezes them as hard as she can. Their faces all plunge down her neckline. Jenna lets them go. Their hands immediately grab her breasts. (They are 5 and 6)
"What are those?" Landon asks. "AHHHH!!!" Jenna was taken completely off guard. "HAHAHAHA!" I burst out with no control whatsoever. I calm down after what takes A LOT of effort. "I mean, Chase! Landon! No touching Aunt Jenna's boobies!!!" Jenna just looks at me in disbelief. I'm still holding back my laughs. She has now been laughing for awhile too.
"I forgot to tell you that plunging neck lines are a no-no in this house hold. For some reason tiny little hands flock to them."
"Aunt Jenna!" Landon pleaded. "You still didn't answer my question! WHAT ARE THOSE?!" I suddenly realize why they are asking the question to her and not me. Hers looks lots nicer than mine. They aren't "long and flappy", they are huge and perky. I am again offended......man that boob job sounds nice.
Jenna is still laughing. Before I can tell Landon to stop talking to my sister about her private parts and give him the whole speech thing you gotta do as parents, she tells them they are her BOOBS.
Awe Man! Landon's eyes got wide and he smiled his biggest grin. He then said the comment every mother needs to hear to help her realize she really does have a boy living in the house with her. Not her perfect little baby child but a full fledged boy who's growing up and develop hormones. Or noticing what he likes about girls. Landon says, "I like those!" he smiles and stares. "AHHHHH!!!" Jenna covers herself with a jacket.
"I told you! No plunging neck lines!!!" I laughed. Later I listened to the boys talk about boobies and how soft and fun they thought they were. But---they know it is a private part and you can't touch, stare, ask anyone about their private parts. They know to come to me now. No touching random girls boobs. Yea for me! I taught them a lesson!!
Wow! Sometimes I have these conversations with my boys and I think, REALLY? Already? Am I that old? Can I really be having these talks already?But then the classic story of Chase and Landon at the soccer fields...
We were at Lexi's soccer game and Chase and Landon were wrestling around like they always do. Then, A group of girls walk by.......and automatically they both freeze in their tracks and stare. I was in shock. Chase is only 6 years old and Landon is 4. What is going on??? Chase whispers to Landon and says, "Landon, tell those girl to come here." Landon looks at you half angry, half confused, "Why can't you do it?". Chase, "because I told you to do it first! Now do it." Landon looks at Chase defiantly and then takes the defeat, "oh, okay. But next time it's your turn!" I am thinking to myself, "Next time? Do they do this often? What is going on?" I decide to let all of this play out. I am totally curious if my boys are actually trying to pick up on a group of 15 and 16 year old girls. The group of girls are standing about 30 feet from them and I am hiding in the background where no one can see. Landon shouts, "Hey girls! Come here!"
And then both Chase and Landon start flexing for them.........I am dying! This is too funny! The girls are not impressed, (obviously). They replied, "No!" and turned and started to leave. Chase whispers in Landon's ear again, "Tell them if they don't come over here, we're going to beat them up!" Landon replies, "Awe Chase. Do I have too?" and Chase says, "YES!! Now stop being a baby and do it!" Chase gives Landon a little nudge and yells so loud a few heads even turn to see who was yelling. "Hey girls! If you don't come over here we're going to beat you up." This is when I finally intervene. "Chase, Landon!! If you want to pick up on a girl, threatening to beat her up does not make her want to come over and talk to you." Both of them looked so confused.
They are just too funny!!! But after having kids and after many nights of talking to them there some things even I have not grown up from. (I know, I know, real SHOCKER there huh?!)
So ladies and gentlemen I'm gonna let ya in on a little bit of a secret.....things I don't tell anyone. But the kids and I's conversation was too funny not to post about. We were asking each other what are some things you do that you would normally never admit to doing. It started out shy and then got crazy funny.
Despite my better judgment,.......I wrote down mine. My kids loved that I participated in the game. Now.....Don't judge me, love me. Because dang it!! I'm freaking awesome! I may have a few screws loose but I like it that way.
Here is the list. (Of course, some of these I did not tell my children.) Remember....no judging....
I'm afraid of the dark. If Kirt would let me, I would have a night light on every night. I am still sure the girl in the movie, "The Ring", is out to get me.
If a TV goes fuzzy...it will induce a full fledged panic attack. (Oh....she's real people!!!)
I hate shopping. (Don't tell my girl friends! I like to get in and get out!)
I still like to watch Power Rangers. (The red one is my favorite.)
If I bounce on a tramp, my uterus usually feels like it falls out of my HOO-HAA. (SO sure that is not a good thing...)
I sometimes rewind kissing scenes over and over because I think they are so romantic and I wish I was the one kissing the leading man..........(scandalous I know!!! Don't worry, Kirt knows and loves me anyways. He knows he's the hottest man in the world to me anyways.)
I love I can blame all my farts in the stores on my kids and walk away. (I mean, who'd believe them?)
If I could, I would play in the McDonald play place play land. I want to crawl around in those tubes!
I still pee-pee in public pools. Only on occasion.....(Don't tell ANYONE!!!)
If I fart, I have to smell them.........."Gross Niki!" I know!
Those kids are too much fun. Laughing with them is my best medicine. I'm not going to have stay at home, late night comedy forever. Better get it while its hot!
Sunday, April 7, 2013
A measure of your Worth
There is so much beauty in this world. Filled with women of all ages. All races. All circumstances.
Beautiful. Tender. Kind. Loving. Woman have a gift. Making our dent in the corporate world today has made us strong and independent and even powerful. But our true power comes from within. Our true beauty is that we are tender. Our true strength is that we love. What is so beautiful about women is that we are soft and gentle. Kind and Sincere.
We are different. We are needed. Our hearts are deep and our love endless. Our tender hearts should be proud to be so open and kind, and never harden to life's cruel intentions. We are the heart the world needs to survive.
Powerful. You are powerful. Your love is inspiring. It moves the men in your life to be amazing. There is no measure to your worth. You are priceless.
Beautiful. Tender. Kind. Loving. Woman have a gift. Making our dent in the corporate world today has made us strong and independent and even powerful. But our true power comes from within. Our true beauty is that we are tender. Our true strength is that we love. What is so beautiful about women is that we are soft and gentle. Kind and Sincere.
We are different. We are needed. Our hearts are deep and our love endless. Our tender hearts should be proud to be so open and kind, and never harden to life's cruel intentions. We are the heart the world needs to survive.
Powerful. You are powerful. Your love is inspiring. It moves the men in your life to be amazing. There is no measure to your worth. You are priceless.
Beautiful Brown Eyes and Dry Drowning
The kids were so excited to go swimming. I was exhausted but knew I had no choice but to give in to their demands. We all got dressed and went with grandma to the clubhouse. We showered off and all jumped into the pool. It was surprisingly warm.
So refreshing. Soon we were all smiling and splashing. My two oldest, Alexis and Chase, can swim. I don't need to worry about them. Landon and Beckham are a different story. I have to watch them carefully. So throughout our swimming I practiced with Landon and Beckham in teaching them how to swim. they were doing great and we all were getting into a rhythm.
So Landon and Beckham were jumping off the ledge of the pool and jumping into my arms. If you have ever swam with these guys, they don't wait for you to look and tell them you are ready for them. They jump and land on top of you as soon as they can. They love to jump at the same time. It is like catching 2 basket balls at the same time. Except...these basketballs kick, scream, claw, punch, and twist their way out of your arms.
Now remember, I am alone at the pool with grandma just watching. Kirt is working back at home. I am the only one in the pool with the kids. Landon suddenly jumps at the far side of the pool. I dive to grab him. We swim back to the others and begin to play. As I am standing with the kids I see a beautiful pair of brown eyes.
They are frantic. It is Beckham. ONLY his eyes are above water. His cute baby arms are outstretched and inches to reaching me. I immediately grab him and assess how he is doing. He is coughing and extremely pale. He must have been under at least 30 seconds. "My poor baby!" He stops coughing and lays his head on my chest. He is tired and still extremely pale. He was done swimming. We all left the pool.
I had seen an Oprah episode. (Yes. Yes. I know. I am an Oprah fan, so what?) It was on Dry Drowning. It totally freaked me out. So like any mother...I watched him all day for signs of it. If you don't know what Dry Drowning is I'm gonna tell you.
I am so grateful to live where I live. I am so grateful to have the modern medicine we have. I am so grateful I was able to go and get help for my baby when I needed it. I wish all could have the opportunities this Nation has. I'm truly blessed to be able to have access to medical help whenever I need it. So thankful for everything in my life!
So refreshing. Soon we were all smiling and splashing. My two oldest, Alexis and Chase, can swim. I don't need to worry about them. Landon and Beckham are a different story. I have to watch them carefully. So throughout our swimming I practiced with Landon and Beckham in teaching them how to swim. they were doing great and we all were getting into a rhythm.
So Landon and Beckham were jumping off the ledge of the pool and jumping into my arms. If you have ever swam with these guys, they don't wait for you to look and tell them you are ready for them. They jump and land on top of you as soon as they can. They love to jump at the same time. It is like catching 2 basket balls at the same time. Except...these basketballs kick, scream, claw, punch, and twist their way out of your arms.
Now remember, I am alone at the pool with grandma just watching. Kirt is working back at home. I am the only one in the pool with the kids. Landon suddenly jumps at the far side of the pool. I dive to grab him. We swim back to the others and begin to play. As I am standing with the kids I see a beautiful pair of brown eyes.
They are frantic. It is Beckham. ONLY his eyes are above water. His cute baby arms are outstretched and inches to reaching me. I immediately grab him and assess how he is doing. He is coughing and extremely pale. He must have been under at least 30 seconds. "My poor baby!" He stops coughing and lays his head on my chest. He is tired and still extremely pale. He was done swimming. We all left the pool.
I had seen an Oprah episode. (Yes. Yes. I know. I am an Oprah fan, so what?) It was on Dry Drowning. It totally freaked me out. So like any mother...I watched him all day for signs of it. If you don't know what Dry Drowning is I'm gonna tell you.
In dry drowning, a certain amount of water, or any liquid, is
present in the lungs, which results in the inability to take in oxygen
from the air that is inhaled. It does not mean that the individual died
in water, but simply means that there was no or little water in the
lungs at the time of death. Hence, the term 'dry' is given. Moreover, it
may also take place due to a damage to the respiratory system,
Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/dry-drowning-symptoms.html
Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/dry-drowning-symptoms.html
So if you didn't follow the link, the paragraph kinda tells you what it is. Everything was fine. And in all reality, you are in the most danger right after swimming or right after the child has inhaled the water. The 3 classic symptoms to look for are chronic coughing for 20-30 minutes and trouble breathing, uneven breathing and/or chest pain. If the child has dry drowning symptoms it can not be treated at home. It can only be treated at the hospital. Do not take any chances with dry drowning.
I was probably in the safe zone with Beckham, but I am an overly cautious, over paranoid, freak yourself out kind of parent. It had been 8 hours past the time he had been swimming. But I would never forgive myself if anything happened to my cute baby. So....later that night, Beckham had this crazy coughing fit and was coughing up a ton of water and his lips were turning purple. So off to the hospital we went.
They took a simple x-ray of his chest to see if he had water on his lungs. Luckily, His lungs were clear and we were good to go home. Sweet little Beckham was safe and I could sleep that night.
Confessions...
Disclaimer: This post is completely and utterly honest. I have had
this written for a while. I have had it saved but never thought I would
ever post it. I'd like everyone to think I have a positive outlook on
life and take a positive spin to everything. Never would I want someone
to come to this blog every time, read it, and find themselves
depressed. As a result, my thoughts on this subject have remained as mild as possible. Finally being honest to myself broke a chain I didn't even know existed. This post is not meant to depress anyone. Please don't read this if you don't want to hear an honest, deep, close to the heart, post. I was scared to tell you the truth. Here are my
confessions.
I thought I had it all together but I don't. It turns out I was just pretending. 5 years have passed and I hit rock bottom.
My wall of pretend flowers and roses burned and the weeds seeped through.
Where was Jesse? He was supposed to be here by now. His deadline was up. I am standing here at the finish line waiting and there is not a single trace of him to be found.
I am in shock that I have not awakened from this nightmare. "So this really is reality."
I see myself with my mother on Jesse's bed in Hawaii. I am with her.
I am watching her hold what is left of him. His clothes.
They are piled around her and her arms are wrapped tight around them. She cries in the silence. I cry with her.
"Why her?" I think. "Why did you do this to her?"
I am angry. I don't understand.
She takes a deep inhale of Jesse's scent that still remain on his clothes. Her cries become deeper and deeper. She sinks into the clothes.
I turn away. I cannot watch. The pain is too much. My anger is too great. My confusion, too strong.
She somehow makes it home. I am barely able to look her in the eyes. My heart has broken for my mother.
I awake from my dream but the harsh reality is---I'm still living this nightmare.
Our lives seem to carry on in silence. I cannot feel this pain a moment longer. I must turn this pain off. "In 5 years you will know something..."
The emotions slowly shut down and I was able to function.
Here I am. 5 years and still the silence remains. I know nothing more. I have a backyard of weeds I didn't know needed pulled.
I am angry. I want a funeral. I want to mourn like everybody else. I want to know he is dead. I want a body in a casket. I wanted to kiss him goodbye.
I don't want a memorial. I want a real funeral. I want closure. I'm not OK with the unknown. I'm not OK with any of this. I'm not OK.
I feel like I have to tell everyone I am doing great. That life is a climb and I'm enjoying every second of it.
Well.....if you say that, you're lying. Sometimes, it sucks.
It sucks He is gone. I don't care that life isn't fair. This shouldn't have happened. This shouldn't ever happen to anyone.
I can't pretend anymore. This is it. He really is missing. He really is gone.
How did this all happen? It is hard to face something when you can't actually face it. Denial is a great defense mechanism. It has been my wheelchair for 5 years.
It is OK.
I have found it's OK to admit I don't have it all together. I'm OK with admitting I'm not happy 100% of the time. I'm OK telling myself, "I'm not OK!". I'm not perfect. I'm just me.
Most of all, I'm OK admitting I feel a little lost. Stumped. I was so sure my life was going to turn out so much differently.
I love my kids and husband. They are my world.
But--I never knew I could keep a secret from myself.
It was so hard to admit I was holding out for a miracle that Jesse would return in 5 years. I know it makes no sense. But admitting my secret has lifted this weight off my shoulders. Being honest with myself and dealing with it has made a huge difference. I never knew admitting something could be THAT difficult.
What helped me admit my secret was a dream I had few months ago...
I was standing at my back porch and looking out across my backyard. I found myself arguing with someone I could not see.
"He is not coming back Niki. I'm so sorry."
"You are a Liar! He is coming back! He'll be here! You can't just say that! He is coming.....he is....you'll see....just wait.....just wait!!"
"No Niki. Come back inside."
"I can't. I can't. He's out there! Don't you see?! He's out here?!" I am pointing outside.
All there is, is an empty field of tall weeds. The weeds I have just uncovered from my fake garden. The fake garden I thought I had planted.
"This doesn't make you a bad person. You don't have to feel guilty. He knows you love him. He knows you care. You're not giving up, you're not moving on, you're just coming back inside to where he really is."
"How do you know where he really is?!"
"He's in your heart, Niki."
"I don't want him in my heart...I want him here...please! Please.....please......please....."
I sink to my knees, my hands slowly cover my face, and I begin to cry. The scene darkens and I am alone. I am now curled in a ball sobbing. I cry for what seems like an eternity.
I awake from my dream in the same position. The words from Helen Keller again speak to me,
"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose, all that we love becomes a part of us."
I close my eyes and fade back into my dream.
I am back at my back porch. As I come inside, I take one last look at my weeds and softly smile.
"Together Again, Our Family Forever"
For just family members....I need your e-mails. There is a little something you need to know:) themissingpiece777@gmail.com
I thought I had it all together but I don't. It turns out I was just pretending. 5 years have passed and I hit rock bottom.
My wall of pretend flowers and roses burned and the weeds seeped through.
Where was Jesse? He was supposed to be here by now. His deadline was up. I am standing here at the finish line waiting and there is not a single trace of him to be found.
I am in shock that I have not awakened from this nightmare. "So this really is reality."
I see myself with my mother on Jesse's bed in Hawaii. I am with her.
I am watching her hold what is left of him. His clothes.
They are piled around her and her arms are wrapped tight around them. She cries in the silence. I cry with her.
"Why her?" I think. "Why did you do this to her?"
I am angry. I don't understand.
She takes a deep inhale of Jesse's scent that still remain on his clothes. Her cries become deeper and deeper. She sinks into the clothes.
I turn away. I cannot watch. The pain is too much. My anger is too great. My confusion, too strong.
She somehow makes it home. I am barely able to look her in the eyes. My heart has broken for my mother.
I awake from my dream but the harsh reality is---I'm still living this nightmare.
Our lives seem to carry on in silence. I cannot feel this pain a moment longer. I must turn this pain off. "In 5 years you will know something..."
The emotions slowly shut down and I was able to function.
Here I am. 5 years and still the silence remains. I know nothing more. I have a backyard of weeds I didn't know needed pulled.
I am angry. I want a funeral. I want to mourn like everybody else. I want to know he is dead. I want a body in a casket. I wanted to kiss him goodbye.
I don't want a memorial. I want a real funeral. I want closure. I'm not OK with the unknown. I'm not OK with any of this. I'm not OK.
I feel like I have to tell everyone I am doing great. That life is a climb and I'm enjoying every second of it.
Well.....if you say that, you're lying. Sometimes, it sucks.
It sucks He is gone. I don't care that life isn't fair. This shouldn't have happened. This shouldn't ever happen to anyone.
I can't pretend anymore. This is it. He really is missing. He really is gone.
How did this all happen? It is hard to face something when you can't actually face it. Denial is a great defense mechanism. It has been my wheelchair for 5 years.
It is OK.
I have found it's OK to admit I don't have it all together. I'm OK with admitting I'm not happy 100% of the time. I'm OK telling myself, "I'm not OK!". I'm not perfect. I'm just me.
Most of all, I'm OK admitting I feel a little lost. Stumped. I was so sure my life was going to turn out so much differently.
I love my kids and husband. They are my world.
But--I never knew I could keep a secret from myself.
It was so hard to admit I was holding out for a miracle that Jesse would return in 5 years. I know it makes no sense. But admitting my secret has lifted this weight off my shoulders. Being honest with myself and dealing with it has made a huge difference. I never knew admitting something could be THAT difficult.
What helped me admit my secret was a dream I had few months ago...
I was standing at my back porch and looking out across my backyard. I found myself arguing with someone I could not see.
"He is not coming back Niki. I'm so sorry."
"You are a Liar! He is coming back! He'll be here! You can't just say that! He is coming.....he is....you'll see....just wait.....just wait!!"
"No Niki. Come back inside."
"I can't. I can't. He's out there! Don't you see?! He's out here?!" I am pointing outside.
All there is, is an empty field of tall weeds. The weeds I have just uncovered from my fake garden. The fake garden I thought I had planted.
"This doesn't make you a bad person. You don't have to feel guilty. He knows you love him. He knows you care. You're not giving up, you're not moving on, you're just coming back inside to where he really is."
"How do you know where he really is?!"
"He's in your heart, Niki."
"I don't want him in my heart...I want him here...please! Please.....please......please....."
I sink to my knees, my hands slowly cover my face, and I begin to cry. The scene darkens and I am alone. I am now curled in a ball sobbing. I cry for what seems like an eternity.
I awake from my dream in the same position. The words from Helen Keller again speak to me,
"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose, all that we love becomes a part of us."
I close my eyes and fade back into my dream.
I am back at my back porch. As I come inside, I take one last look at my weeds and softly smile.
"Together Again, Our Family Forever"
For just family members....I need your e-mails. There is a little something you need to know:) themissingpiece777@gmail.com
Love Her!
After my long weekend with my sweet but sick and dying patient I needed a little R and R. So what better place to go than the best place in the world??? Grandma's House!!!
I had just gotten off of my 12 hour shift with my patient. He had passed away on my shift. I was a mess. I had been crying almost the entire shift and could use a nice long car ride to calm down and cry a little more. A trip to St. George would be perfect! And if you have ever met my grandma, a visit to her is always a remedy for a pick me up.
The drive to St. George is a calm and very straight one. It is about 4 hours from my home. I was completely wired from the night before. So I picked the kids up straight from my shift and headed to Grandma's. (Yup....I still want my Grandma when I'm sad;)) The kids were beyond excited that they didn't notice my crying in the front seat almost the entire way there. "Good." I thought. "Just how I wanted them to react."
We arrived at Grandma's house and the first thing I love about her is that she lives in, (what I always viewed as a child) the coolest and most beautiful Retirement community and trailer park in the world. I mean, this is no ordinary trailer park....It has a club house!!! The streets are paved and the trailers are on cement pads. Wow. My childhood self would call this place paradise. I still see this place as my personal paradise. Why? Because one of the most important people in my life lives here. Grandma. She can bring comfort to you when you think no comfort can be found. Have you ever had a person in your life like that? This place is a magical place because she lives there.
We pull up and Grandma is always sitting by her door waiting. Of course when you come to give her a hug you will notice half of her finger nail is chewed off because she has been worried about you while you have been driving. NEVER be late, or, that finger nail will be gone. Then you will feel REALLY bad.
When you give Grandma a hug it always goes with a little kiss on the lips. She is old fashioned. A kiss on the lips is traditional in the family, (only with Grandma). If you have not been warned, like my husband Kirt, it will really take you off guard, (Too funny). I love that she remains herself and never changes.
We are finally there! I instantly feel it is like I am at my own home. I realize I have been coming to this place since I have been 10 years old. I have walked these streets for 20 years!! Lexi will be 10 in 2 years. Am I really that old? Crazy. We come inside and sit and catch up on life. The kids start playing with grandma's shell's she has collected with Grandpa over the years. So beautiful.
I tell Grandma I haven't slept in 48 hours and Grandma says, "Well GRAB niki, what are you thinking? Had I known that I would have chewed off three of my finger nails!!" I laughed. Where did she get that word anyways? GRAB? I love it every time she says it. It makes no sense and yet it makes perfect sense at the same time. She is the only person in the entire world I have heard use it. So I think she invented the phrase herself.
I tell her about life and she listens. I find she is a great listener. At times I wish I knew so much more about her. I know it is how it was back then....you didn't talk too much about yourself but I wish she'd talk more about herself. She is the most selfless person you will ever meet. She does everything for everyone. What would this entire family be without her? I'm am one grandchild. I went running to her. I know we all do. That lady is so wonderful. Don't you just want to squeeze her?!
My kids are dying to go swimming so we all go swimming. Grandma comes to watch. She is always a good sport. She will stay for hours just to watch. (Beckham nearly drowned and later was taken to the hospital due to a scare with dry drowning. That will be my next post. Today is about cute grandma.)
One thing I never realized but always loved as a kid is that you can't really shower at grandma's. You usually shower at the club house. It was always an adventure. We were always getting in trouble though. Something about the floors were too wet and the elderly kept slipping and falling after we showered. We could shower forever there. Hot water lasted longer there.
I showered all the kids and we all came home and grandma literally tucked me into bed like she did when I was little and took care of the kids the rest of the night. I laughed at her. It was so cute. How can you not love her? I was so exhausted. Luckily the kids were too. We all crashed and went to sleep. I felt like a kid again. Being comforted by Grandma's love and peaceful presence.
The morning came and we were greeted with pancakes and eggs. She fixed each of us our eggs individually how we liked them cooked. Do you know how long that takes for 5 people? A long time! What patience! Breakfast is the best with grandma.
I love her bluntness. If she doesn't like something she'll tell you. I offered her a chocolate chip cookie I had made once and she said, "I'll only eat it if it has at least 3 chocolate chips in it. If it doesn't have at least 3 chocolate chips in it than it is not worth the calories." I laughed and said "OK Grandma. I'll make sure it has lots of chocolate chips:)"
Grandma loves walks. We walked with the kids and talked. We visited Grandpa's tree they planted for him when he died. We went to the movies. We went out to eat. We relaxed. We hiked. We tried to fit all we could in. Grandma tried to make sure we were entertained the entire time. But we could have been fine just sitting there. Just a blast to be with her.
When it came time to leave Grandma looks at her watch. She tells you she'll call you at a certain time. You better answer or all of her finger nail will be gone. You better be home in the time frame she gives you too. She will worry if you are not. It is always sad to leave. A part of you always wants to stay. A part feels like that place is home. She is just that special.
Being with my patient and seeing all of his grandchildren come to visit him for the last time really struck a chord with me. I have been taking care of him on and off for about 2 years now. Some of these people I have never seen. I am not faulting ANYONE. I know EVERYONE gets busy. Including me. It was so hard to look at them and see the look of regret in their eyes as they turned and looked at me and said, "There were so many times we were going to come out and visit but something always came up. We should have just come. I can't even remember why we didn't." My heart truly goes out to them. I love and care for that family so much.
Do you know it has been 3 years since I have been down to see grandma at her house? That is why I just kept driving. I didn't know she got knew carpet. (it looks great by the way.) I was so glad I got to see Grandma. She makes me so happy. She is so fun to be around. Such a comfort. She loves all of us unconditionally. Who wouldn't want to see her? She makes you laugh. She makes you smile. When you are with her you really don't have a worry in the world. So WHY NOT VISIT GRANDMA??? I don't know why it took me so long but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me by just spending 2 days with that lady. She is magical. She has a gift. She can make you feel loved like no one else can. I need to take advantage while I still can! she is absolutely amazing. I just can't say enough about her!!! WOW. I needed that. We all need that. She is just a remedy for a better life. I love her.
Family, If you have any stories about cute grandma please share. We all love her so much. She needs to know. What better way than to gush about her. For all you others out there.....gush about your loved one. They need to know:)
I had just gotten off of my 12 hour shift with my patient. He had passed away on my shift. I was a mess. I had been crying almost the entire shift and could use a nice long car ride to calm down and cry a little more. A trip to St. George would be perfect! And if you have ever met my grandma, a visit to her is always a remedy for a pick me up.
The drive to St. George is a calm and very straight one. It is about 4 hours from my home. I was completely wired from the night before. So I picked the kids up straight from my shift and headed to Grandma's. (Yup....I still want my Grandma when I'm sad;)) The kids were beyond excited that they didn't notice my crying in the front seat almost the entire way there. "Good." I thought. "Just how I wanted them to react."
We arrived at Grandma's house and the first thing I love about her is that she lives in, (what I always viewed as a child) the coolest and most beautiful Retirement community and trailer park in the world. I mean, this is no ordinary trailer park....It has a club house!!! The streets are paved and the trailers are on cement pads. Wow. My childhood self would call this place paradise. I still see this place as my personal paradise. Why? Because one of the most important people in my life lives here. Grandma. She can bring comfort to you when you think no comfort can be found. Have you ever had a person in your life like that? This place is a magical place because she lives there.
We pull up and Grandma is always sitting by her door waiting. Of course when you come to give her a hug you will notice half of her finger nail is chewed off because she has been worried about you while you have been driving. NEVER be late, or, that finger nail will be gone. Then you will feel REALLY bad.
When you give Grandma a hug it always goes with a little kiss on the lips. She is old fashioned. A kiss on the lips is traditional in the family, (only with Grandma). If you have not been warned, like my husband Kirt, it will really take you off guard, (Too funny). I love that she remains herself and never changes.
We are finally there! I instantly feel it is like I am at my own home. I realize I have been coming to this place since I have been 10 years old. I have walked these streets for 20 years!! Lexi will be 10 in 2 years. Am I really that old? Crazy. We come inside and sit and catch up on life. The kids start playing with grandma's shell's she has collected with Grandpa over the years. So beautiful.
I tell Grandma I haven't slept in 48 hours and Grandma says, "Well GRAB niki, what are you thinking? Had I known that I would have chewed off three of my finger nails!!" I laughed. Where did she get that word anyways? GRAB? I love it every time she says it. It makes no sense and yet it makes perfect sense at the same time. She is the only person in the entire world I have heard use it. So I think she invented the phrase herself.
I tell her about life and she listens. I find she is a great listener. At times I wish I knew so much more about her. I know it is how it was back then....you didn't talk too much about yourself but I wish she'd talk more about herself. She is the most selfless person you will ever meet. She does everything for everyone. What would this entire family be without her? I'm am one grandchild. I went running to her. I know we all do. That lady is so wonderful. Don't you just want to squeeze her?!
My kids are dying to go swimming so we all go swimming. Grandma comes to watch. She is always a good sport. She will stay for hours just to watch. (Beckham nearly drowned and later was taken to the hospital due to a scare with dry drowning. That will be my next post. Today is about cute grandma.)
One thing I never realized but always loved as a kid is that you can't really shower at grandma's. You usually shower at the club house. It was always an adventure. We were always getting in trouble though. Something about the floors were too wet and the elderly kept slipping and falling after we showered. We could shower forever there. Hot water lasted longer there.
I showered all the kids and we all came home and grandma literally tucked me into bed like she did when I was little and took care of the kids the rest of the night. I laughed at her. It was so cute. How can you not love her? I was so exhausted. Luckily the kids were too. We all crashed and went to sleep. I felt like a kid again. Being comforted by Grandma's love and peaceful presence.
The morning came and we were greeted with pancakes and eggs. She fixed each of us our eggs individually how we liked them cooked. Do you know how long that takes for 5 people? A long time! What patience! Breakfast is the best with grandma.
I love her bluntness. If she doesn't like something she'll tell you. I offered her a chocolate chip cookie I had made once and she said, "I'll only eat it if it has at least 3 chocolate chips in it. If it doesn't have at least 3 chocolate chips in it than it is not worth the calories." I laughed and said "OK Grandma. I'll make sure it has lots of chocolate chips:)"
Grandma loves walks. We walked with the kids and talked. We visited Grandpa's tree they planted for him when he died. We went to the movies. We went out to eat. We relaxed. We hiked. We tried to fit all we could in. Grandma tried to make sure we were entertained the entire time. But we could have been fine just sitting there. Just a blast to be with her.
When it came time to leave Grandma looks at her watch. She tells you she'll call you at a certain time. You better answer or all of her finger nail will be gone. You better be home in the time frame she gives you too. She will worry if you are not. It is always sad to leave. A part of you always wants to stay. A part feels like that place is home. She is just that special.
Being with my patient and seeing all of his grandchildren come to visit him for the last time really struck a chord with me. I have been taking care of him on and off for about 2 years now. Some of these people I have never seen. I am not faulting ANYONE. I know EVERYONE gets busy. Including me. It was so hard to look at them and see the look of regret in their eyes as they turned and looked at me and said, "There were so many times we were going to come out and visit but something always came up. We should have just come. I can't even remember why we didn't." My heart truly goes out to them. I love and care for that family so much.
Do you know it has been 3 years since I have been down to see grandma at her house? That is why I just kept driving. I didn't know she got knew carpet. (it looks great by the way.) I was so glad I got to see Grandma. She makes me so happy. She is so fun to be around. Such a comfort. She loves all of us unconditionally. Who wouldn't want to see her? She makes you laugh. She makes you smile. When you are with her you really don't have a worry in the world. So WHY NOT VISIT GRANDMA??? I don't know why it took me so long but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me by just spending 2 days with that lady. She is magical. She has a gift. She can make you feel loved like no one else can. I need to take advantage while I still can! she is absolutely amazing. I just can't say enough about her!!! WOW. I needed that. We all need that. She is just a remedy for a better life. I love her.
Family, If you have any stories about cute grandma please share. We all love her so much. She needs to know. What better way than to gush about her. For all you others out there.....gush about your loved one. They need to know:)
5 years and counting.....
Every year it comes and every year the same reaction. I shrink away from everyone and find some excuse to keep me busy and pray to get through the day without seeing any flashbacks of the actual day we reported him missing. For some reason, that day forever haunts my memories. That day was the day that changed the entire course of the way I would live my life. It changed the way I thought, it changed my relationships with people, it changed who I was as a person. My perfect little bubble I had been living in had just been burst. Reality of all reality soaked in that day. It is a day, I'd rather did not exist anymore.
But it does. So I make the best of it. I can't say hiding from it is the best way to handle something, but its all I got right now, ok?! :) As I am writing this post my hands are shaking and my stomach is sick and tide in a million knots. It still makes me so sick not knowing where he is. Saying I know he is with God is a lie. Because I don't know that 100%. I'm never entirely sure. As I have said before, and I'm sure all my family members can agree, no closure is pure torture. Although, many would like me to say, "I know he's with God." I just can't say that. I hope he is with God. I hope he is safe. I hope he is happy. I have faith that I will see him again. I have faith that all this happened for a reason. I have faith I will find that reason.
My heart goes out to all my extended family members who are suffering as well. I know they love Jesse very much too. I love them so very much and their support through all of this has been amazing.
I say 5 years and counting, but, trust me; we are not counting. We try to forget that this is even reality. We look at pictures though, and it seems the life we had with Jesse was in a different lifetime. It kind of was, now that I think about it. Life is so different with out him here. We are so different with out him here. A family changes so much when someone goes missing. And of course when someone dies. The dynamics of the family is off. It is hard to find balance again. I still feel our balance is off. No one is replaceable in a family. If you ever feel that way, I promise you, you are wrong. Everyone has their place. Everyone is needed. Your absence would be piercing. Just as Jesse's is.
We are finally planning his memorial for this July and are so excited to celebrate his life. As I tell people this, I am surprised that I still get surprised at some people's reactions. It is so hard when those you think will be there for you are not. It is so hard not to be angry. Some have already been turning the invitations down. Some are random excuses and others are the truth. "Why are you having a memorial? You haven't found his body?" or "This is too weird and awkward for me, I'm not going to come." I am grateful they are honest. I really am. But hurt all at the same time. Remember, we are not inviting the entire world, these are close friends and family. I'm trying to put myself in their position and see it from their point of view, but dang it! I would be there for my friends and family if they asked me to, no matter how awkward it was!!!
Ok. ok. ok. I'm done. I really love them and respect their decision. But WOW. You kind of suck for saying that.
But---I can see how they might not be ready like we are. Everyone grieves differently. This is an impossible situation with emotions you might not understand yourself. I get it. I really do. Still, as I have noticed with all funerals, deaths, and memorials, emotions run high and feelings always seem to get hurt. Expectations run high and outcomes can run low.
If you have never had someone go missing in your family, I can understand it could be impossible to understand. So this is why we are doing a memorial now instead of earlier or later. We didn't do it earlier because we weren't ready to. We still haven't given up hope. We don't want to do it later because we are afraid we won't be able to find all of Jesse's old friends to help celebrate his life. We are doing it now at the 5 year mark because we feel ready. Not because we have lost hope. But because we feel this is the time to celebrate who he was as a person. We feel we can still contact those who loved him and would want to celebrate his life with us. We need some kind of closure. Although in a missing person case, we know, there never truly is until a body is found.
We may never find Jesse's body. We may never know the true story of what happened to him. Whether he fell off a cliff, committed suicide, or was murdered, we may never know. But---we can get together as family and friends and support each other in celebrating his life. It may be uncomfortable for some but not regrettable. Being there for others always feels better than when you are not there for them.
The celebration will be held on July 11th, 2013. At Noah's in Lindon, Ut. All those who loved Jesse are welcome to attend. The beginning or 1st hour will be filled with a few talks on memories of Jesse and a lot of musical numbers. Because Jesse loved music. Following the program will be really good food with Mr. Miner (Jesse's 5th grade teacher) as the DJ and lots of dancing. Jesse's old band will also be playing at the celebration so you won't want to miss it. Thank you to all who are helping make this happen!!! It is taking a lot of my energy trying to figure all of this out!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)