Please read the following and help us celebrate Jesse’s life:)
Sunday, March 26, 2023
Saturday, December 3, 2016
She Wears The Mark..
JENNA---for my sister
She.
She wears the mark.
Battered and bruised,
Lost and alone,
She wears the mark.
A promise never to be broken,
lay shattered beneath her feet.
Legs lose their strength and she slowly melts to the floor.
Shattered.
she picks up a single piece of her broken world,
and sinks further into the floor.
The crystal tears fall down her sweet face,
Never have I seen tears shed in such despair.
Never have I seen life so unkind,
Never....
Never...
She wears the mark.
She is beauty.
Fierce on the outside
Ever so delicate on the inside.
The proud sister I have known all my life lay pleading, begging...
"Please wake up....Please wake up..."
She is captivating.
Though she,
in her darkest moments,
remains astoundingly beautiful.
She wears the mark.
She is pushed to the wall,
past her limit.
"Fight, this will not break you",
One thing life didn't plan on...
This woman has never lost.
She can't be beaten.
Her heart begins to pound,
the fire within her begins to burn,
She is alive and fierce.
She is on her feet,
the glass dissolves to dust beneath her.
In the shimmer of the sunlight,
Her scars are only visible for a moment...
Beaten, bruised, manipulated, attacked, scraped, clawed, pulled...
She knows the fight.
I thought these were the marks of a tortured life,
No...
I now see...
Those are the marks of a warrior.
She wears the mark.
You are a true warrior sister. An example to me. And my best friend.
She.
She wears the mark.
Battered and bruised,
Lost and alone,
She wears the mark.
A promise never to be broken,
lay shattered beneath her feet.
Legs lose their strength and she slowly melts to the floor.
Shattered.
she picks up a single piece of her broken world,
and sinks further into the floor.
The crystal tears fall down her sweet face,
Never have I seen tears shed in such despair.
Never have I seen life so unkind,
Never....
Never...
She wears the mark.
She is beauty.
Fierce on the outside
Ever so delicate on the inside.
The proud sister I have known all my life lay pleading, begging...
"Please wake up....Please wake up..."
She is captivating.
Though she,
in her darkest moments,
remains astoundingly beautiful.
She wears the mark.
She is pushed to the wall,
past her limit.
"Fight, this will not break you",
One thing life didn't plan on...
This woman has never lost.
She can't be beaten.
Her heart begins to pound,
the fire within her begins to burn,
She is alive and fierce.
She is on her feet,
the glass dissolves to dust beneath her.
In the shimmer of the sunlight,
Her scars are only visible for a moment...
Beaten, bruised, manipulated, attacked, scraped, clawed, pulled...
She knows the fight.
I thought these were the marks of a tortured life,
No...
I now see...
Those are the marks of a warrior.
She wears the mark.
You are a true warrior sister. An example to me. And my best friend.
Sunday, October 23, 2016
I'm not done fighting....
You come with your teeth barred and ready to shred every part of me. Intent on destroying all I hold dear, Claws out, fangs hissing, you are here for blood. My blood.....
But there is a twist to this tale. Yes one you should know. For I came ready.
My claws are longer, my fangs uglier, and the only shredding that will be done is me against you.
Ill fight, I'll claw, I'll pull, I'll tear you limb from limb.
"IM NOT DONE FIGHTING!" I roar across the nation.
You can push claw, pull, and try to destroy me.........but I always get back up. Always.
SO take your step back, Ill never be done fighting.
But there is a twist to this tale. Yes one you should know. For I came ready.
My claws are longer, my fangs uglier, and the only shredding that will be done is me against you.
Ill fight, I'll claw, I'll pull, I'll tear you limb from limb.
"IM NOT DONE FIGHTING!" I roar across the nation.
You can push claw, pull, and try to destroy me.........but I always get back up. Always.
SO take your step back, Ill never be done fighting.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Brother
Brother
The sky is deathly dark,
yet my heart is open and free tonight.
Stars brightly lit,
the moon is full.
Magic is in the air.
Magic that can make one's dream a reality.
I am alone but feel comfort and love surrounding every part of my body.
I close my eyes and make my seemingly impossible wish.
"Inner peace" I say,
so silently that only the stars and I are able to hear my prayer,
My eyes are focused,
My heart is pounding,
I am ready.
"Free me from this broken. aching heart of mine........please...........please."
Silence.
Silence so deafening, it rocked me to my very core.
This silence felt as though it lasted an eternity.
Finally,
the stars whispered back.
Had I not been listening, I would have missed their delicate response.
"Accept the unknown," is what was softly spoken.
"believe in your heart, mind, and body. Peace is yours should you choose to have it."
Troubled by this answer,
I slowly melted to my knees and wept.
I wept for a long and seemingly endless time.
While I wept,
I repeated the stars answer in my head,
over, and over, and over again.
5 years I wept,
5 years I left the comfort of the stars,
5 years I chose to be alone.
Slowly my tears stopped.
The clouds that so ferociously filled my head began to clear,
I finally understood the stars simple answer!
That very night,
I waited till night was at its darkest and stars were at their brightest.
Humbly, meekly, and prayerfully,
I kneeled down.
A broken heart began to pray.
Pouring out every thought, confession, and uncertainty it had.
But as my heart concluded its prayer,
it was no longer broken,
but now strengthened.
No longer confused,
but accepted the hear and now.
No longer was it full of pain and grief,
but overcome with love and radiant hope.
I understood the stars message,
As I slowly rose to my feet, my eyes gazed past the stars and into the heavens.
"My dear sweet brother. The world will never be the same with out you in it.
There is a vacant hole in my heart
because of your absence.
Time and God has filled that hole,
with the tender memories and love I have for you.
I accept that I may never,
in this life,
know all of the answers..
I accept and trust in god for your safety.
I accept I may never see you again,
until eternity brings us back to each other.
I can finally accept the unknown.
I am free from the bondage of hate, mistrust, and anger your disappearance caused me to feel.
Though your absence will always sting,
I can finally let go of the past and the unknown.
I now am able to live in the present.
I look forward to the future.
Taking your memories with me as I move onward and upward,
I forgive myself
I love myself
and I love you,
my sweet brother,
Jesse.
By Gods great plan,
I will see you again."
Written by Niki
The sky is deathly dark,
yet my heart is open and free tonight.
Stars brightly lit,
the moon is full.
Magic is in the air.
Magic that can make one's dream a reality.
I am alone but feel comfort and love surrounding every part of my body.
I close my eyes and make my seemingly impossible wish.
"Inner peace" I say,
so silently that only the stars and I are able to hear my prayer,
My eyes are focused,
My heart is pounding,
I am ready.
"Free me from this broken. aching heart of mine........please...........please."
Silence.
Silence so deafening, it rocked me to my very core.
This silence felt as though it lasted an eternity.
Finally,
the stars whispered back.
Had I not been listening, I would have missed their delicate response.
"Accept the unknown," is what was softly spoken.
"believe in your heart, mind, and body. Peace is yours should you choose to have it."
Troubled by this answer,
I slowly melted to my knees and wept.
I wept for a long and seemingly endless time.
While I wept,
I repeated the stars answer in my head,
over, and over, and over again.
5 years I wept,
5 years I left the comfort of the stars,
5 years I chose to be alone.
Slowly my tears stopped.
The clouds that so ferociously filled my head began to clear,
I finally understood the stars simple answer!
That very night,
I waited till night was at its darkest and stars were at their brightest.
Humbly, meekly, and prayerfully,
I kneeled down.
A broken heart began to pray.
Pouring out every thought, confession, and uncertainty it had.
But as my heart concluded its prayer,
it was no longer broken,
but now strengthened.
No longer confused,
but accepted the hear and now.
No longer was it full of pain and grief,
but overcome with love and radiant hope.
I understood the stars message,
As I slowly rose to my feet, my eyes gazed past the stars and into the heavens.
"My dear sweet brother. The world will never be the same with out you in it.
There is a vacant hole in my heart
because of your absence.
Time and God has filled that hole,
with the tender memories and love I have for you.
I accept that I may never,
in this life,
know all of the answers..
I accept and trust in god for your safety.
I accept I may never see you again,
until eternity brings us back to each other.
I can finally accept the unknown.
I am free from the bondage of hate, mistrust, and anger your disappearance caused me to feel.
Though your absence will always sting,
I can finally let go of the past and the unknown.
I now am able to live in the present.
I look forward to the future.
Taking your memories with me as I move onward and upward,
I forgive myself
I love myself
and I love you,
my sweet brother,
Jesse.
By Gods great plan,
I will see you again."
Written by Niki
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Operation Day....Part #1
I've had two surgeries since the beginning of this year. One was elective and one was unexpected.
I have thought and thought about whether or not to post about these experiences and I have come to the conclusion, that each experience can either tear you down or wake you up and build you into a new and better person.
Each time I face a challenge, I face that choice. Let it tear me down, or let it let it build me up.
Challenge #1: Elective surgery
I've been saying since I was 16 that I would get breast augmentation. So when the money was saved up I was the first one in line to the plastic surgeons door. I set a date and was ready to go!!!
I was so excited.
Now. I think all women's bodies are beautiful so to each their own opinion. For me, I thought my self esteem could use some help and this might do the trick.
I was nervous for the surgery but figured that was normal.
I waited and waited and waited.
Finally it was surgery day!
Here's where the story starts to twist. Here is where my challenge begins.
I get prepped for surgery, say goodbye to my husband, and last thing I remember thinking is, "Next time I wake up.......I will have boobs!"
Instead.......I woke to a nightmare.
The two figures in front of me were incredibly blurry. Despite the disfigured people I saw in front of me, I could tell one was some kind of medical staff and the other, my husband.
I try with all my might to keep my eyes open, because I can hear them whispering to each other. My intuition kicked in and I could tell by the feeling in the room, something wasn't right.
"Should you tell her, or should I?" says a woman's voice.
"No. I can tell her." says kirt.
"Teeeeeeellllllll mmmmmeeeeeee wwwhhhhaaatttttt?????" I slowly slur.
They both turn. Not only surprised I am awake but that I am understanding what they have been talking about.
Kirt rushes to my side.
"Hey babe......You're awake! How are you feeling? What can I-----"
"Tell me what?!" I interrupt him.
"Oh honey. You just woke up. Maybe--"
"Tell me what?!" I ask again.
Kirt hesitates for a moment and my heart sinks a little and I don't know why, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry niki.......it didn't work......."
I look down at my chest and it is wrapped and I feel pain. I am so confused. I try to sit up and am too weak. A single tear falls down my cheek and I say....
"What do you mean it didn't work?"
So Kirt began to explain.
It turns out that I have a severe, severe, severe connective tissue disorder. We knew I had a connective tissue disorder, we just didn't know how severe. Despite this knowledge, we all felt that plastic surgery would be ok for my body. The Surgeon proceeded with the surgery and as soon as he opened me up, to his surprise, I had slim to no connective tissue to work with. (Apparrently, if you have no connective tissue, there is nothing to hold the implant in place.)
When he made the incision, instead of having to cut through flesh and connective tissue to get through or close to the chest muscle, my chest just opened straight to the chest muscle. There was just no connective tissue to work with.
On top of that my blood vessel walls were so weak that every time he tried to move tissue out of the way to see if he could put the implant in, the blood vessels would rupture.
I was told the bleeding was very hard to control. The doctor faced a decision he had never had to face in his 20 years of practicing plastic surgery.
He cancelled the surgery.
He told me later how shocked he was at the situation he was faced with. But knew deep down inside my body could never handle those implants. He followed his gut.
He name is Dr, Rose. I would recommend him to anyone. He puts the patient first.
Meanwhile, I was in pure shock. "How could this happen? Is this some kind of crazy joke? I'm so confused."
In fact everyone in that clinic was shocked. My surgery was a first for all of them. And apparently my body was one big medical mystery to them. They had no idea how I was still able to function with how delicate my body is internally.
One Nurse came over to my bedside as I was still trying to process all of this new information and said, "I'm so sorry about all of this. This must be just aweful for you."
I smiled and nodded and thanked her for her concern.
She then stated, "Well, I'm guessing you don't have any children then, do you?"
"Actually yes, I have four children. Why?"
"Oh my gosh!" You should be dead by now!!! With the connective tissue disorder that you have you should've bled out with the first child you had. WOW! Someone's watching out for you, girl!"
Now I know she meant this in the kindest way possible, but, she scared the crap out of me.
This was too much to process all at once. I needed to sleep. Boobs or no boobs, a good check out of life for a few hours would do me some good.
And that is how Surgery #1 went. But the challenges I had to face were far from over....
Emotional Scarring
I felt so ugly.
I had not only had surgery and felt crappy, but, I had just had a Failed boob job.
My failed boob job means=I get to heal just like someone who had an actual boob job and I have all the scars of an actual boob job, BUT, I DO NOT have the implants.
Now, I am sooooooo grateful for my the way my "failed boob job" went. Because as far as failed boob jobs go, mine went pretty smoothly. It failed and I moved on. I've heard of other failed boob jobs who aren't so lucky. So I'll take what God blesses me with. It's just the emotional scarring that is hard to deal with.
I've always had a poor self image of myself. I wish I didn't. Even when I had a great body and no kids and ran 5 miles a day I still thought I could look better. Wow. If only I could rewind time:)
I thought this surgery would "fix" me.
Naked and me don't mix. I am sooooo self conscious. I HATE my husband seeing me naked. I thought this surgery would "fix" the way I feel about myself.
Instead, I just added more scars to my body. I cried for the first week straight.
Now this isn't going to be some cheesy inspirational "I found myself" story. Because I battle my self image everytime I look in the mirror. The first thought that comes to my mind is not positive. BUT.......I turn it into one.
The scars on my body are permanant. Slowly those scars on my body are getting lighter. I wake up each day and look at myself in the mirror and sadly, subconciously think those negative thoughts but always try to change then into a positive. As I have done this, I have noticed my perspective truly is changing.
I'm actually starting to believe I don't need fixing anymore.
(PART 1 Of 2) Part 2 "Operation Day" Prolapse
I have thought and thought about whether or not to post about these experiences and I have come to the conclusion, that each experience can either tear you down or wake you up and build you into a new and better person.
Each time I face a challenge, I face that choice. Let it tear me down, or let it let it build me up.
Challenge #1: Elective surgery
I've been saying since I was 16 that I would get breast augmentation. So when the money was saved up I was the first one in line to the plastic surgeons door. I set a date and was ready to go!!!
I was so excited.
Now. I think all women's bodies are beautiful so to each their own opinion. For me, I thought my self esteem could use some help and this might do the trick.
I was nervous for the surgery but figured that was normal.
I waited and waited and waited.
Finally it was surgery day!
Here's where the story starts to twist. Here is where my challenge begins.
I get prepped for surgery, say goodbye to my husband, and last thing I remember thinking is, "Next time I wake up.......I will have boobs!"
Instead.......I woke to a nightmare.
The two figures in front of me were incredibly blurry. Despite the disfigured people I saw in front of me, I could tell one was some kind of medical staff and the other, my husband.
I try with all my might to keep my eyes open, because I can hear them whispering to each other. My intuition kicked in and I could tell by the feeling in the room, something wasn't right.
"Should you tell her, or should I?" says a woman's voice.
"No. I can tell her." says kirt.
"Teeeeeeellllllll mmmmmeeeeeee wwwhhhhaaatttttt?????" I slowly slur.
They both turn. Not only surprised I am awake but that I am understanding what they have been talking about.
Kirt rushes to my side.
"Hey babe......You're awake! How are you feeling? What can I-----"
"Tell me what?!" I interrupt him.
"Oh honey. You just woke up. Maybe--"
"Tell me what?!" I ask again.
Kirt hesitates for a moment and my heart sinks a little and I don't know why, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry niki.......it didn't work......."
I look down at my chest and it is wrapped and I feel pain. I am so confused. I try to sit up and am too weak. A single tear falls down my cheek and I say....
"What do you mean it didn't work?"
So Kirt began to explain.
It turns out that I have a severe, severe, severe connective tissue disorder. We knew I had a connective tissue disorder, we just didn't know how severe. Despite this knowledge, we all felt that plastic surgery would be ok for my body. The Surgeon proceeded with the surgery and as soon as he opened me up, to his surprise, I had slim to no connective tissue to work with. (Apparrently, if you have no connective tissue, there is nothing to hold the implant in place.)
When he made the incision, instead of having to cut through flesh and connective tissue to get through or close to the chest muscle, my chest just opened straight to the chest muscle. There was just no connective tissue to work with.
On top of that my blood vessel walls were so weak that every time he tried to move tissue out of the way to see if he could put the implant in, the blood vessels would rupture.
I was told the bleeding was very hard to control. The doctor faced a decision he had never had to face in his 20 years of practicing plastic surgery.
He cancelled the surgery.
He told me later how shocked he was at the situation he was faced with. But knew deep down inside my body could never handle those implants. He followed his gut.
He name is Dr, Rose. I would recommend him to anyone. He puts the patient first.
Meanwhile, I was in pure shock. "How could this happen? Is this some kind of crazy joke? I'm so confused."
In fact everyone in that clinic was shocked. My surgery was a first for all of them. And apparently my body was one big medical mystery to them. They had no idea how I was still able to function with how delicate my body is internally.
One Nurse came over to my bedside as I was still trying to process all of this new information and said, "I'm so sorry about all of this. This must be just aweful for you."
I smiled and nodded and thanked her for her concern.
She then stated, "Well, I'm guessing you don't have any children then, do you?"
"Actually yes, I have four children. Why?"
"Oh my gosh!" You should be dead by now!!! With the connective tissue disorder that you have you should've bled out with the first child you had. WOW! Someone's watching out for you, girl!"
Now I know she meant this in the kindest way possible, but, she scared the crap out of me.
This was too much to process all at once. I needed to sleep. Boobs or no boobs, a good check out of life for a few hours would do me some good.
And that is how Surgery #1 went. But the challenges I had to face were far from over....
Emotional Scarring
I felt so ugly.
I had not only had surgery and felt crappy, but, I had just had a Failed boob job.
My failed boob job means=I get to heal just like someone who had an actual boob job and I have all the scars of an actual boob job, BUT, I DO NOT have the implants.
Now, I am sooooooo grateful for my the way my "failed boob job" went. Because as far as failed boob jobs go, mine went pretty smoothly. It failed and I moved on. I've heard of other failed boob jobs who aren't so lucky. So I'll take what God blesses me with. It's just the emotional scarring that is hard to deal with.
I've always had a poor self image of myself. I wish I didn't. Even when I had a great body and no kids and ran 5 miles a day I still thought I could look better. Wow. If only I could rewind time:)
I thought this surgery would "fix" me.
Naked and me don't mix. I am sooooo self conscious. I HATE my husband seeing me naked. I thought this surgery would "fix" the way I feel about myself.
Instead, I just added more scars to my body. I cried for the first week straight.
Now this isn't going to be some cheesy inspirational "I found myself" story. Because I battle my self image everytime I look in the mirror. The first thought that comes to my mind is not positive. BUT.......I turn it into one.
The scars on my body are permanant. Slowly those scars on my body are getting lighter. I wake up each day and look at myself in the mirror and sadly, subconciously think those negative thoughts but always try to change then into a positive. As I have done this, I have noticed my perspective truly is changing.
I'm actually starting to believe I don't need fixing anymore.
(PART 1 Of 2) Part 2 "Operation Day" Prolapse
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Silence in Peace
I see shadows dancing across my face as the moon glistens upon the soft diamond snow. I am amazed at the deafening silence the wintery woods hold in their seemingly innocent stillness.
I am alone.
Exhale.
My breath, a cloud white mist, seems to be the trumpet of this quiet mountain.
The moon is my flashlight and reflects off of each crystal of snow that exists to be seen. The woods seem to be lit as far as the eye can see.
Midnight appears to be midday.
I smile.
Overwhelming silence brings to pass a deep warmth inside my heart.
I have found my silence in peace.
My peace in paradise.
My paradise within.
As my gaze circle's; each aspen appears to be perfectly spaced as if this forest had been planted by man and not naturally bloomed at random by god's great hand.
Inhale.
The crisp air fills my lungs entirely and I am alive. Filled with renewed energy and new sense of self.
My mind is clear as my eyes travel up to the moonlit sky.
Each star is like a bright diamond that competes for your attention. Flashing at different moments as if screaming for you to look at only one, while wanting to look at them all as a whole.
Breathtaking.
I take a step towards the only place I can.
Forward.
No longer am I facing the past, but the here and now.
The present.
I am here in this space. Surrounded by such beauty. My heart is open......soft.
I have been reset.
I am ready.
Ready to face the world.
Ready to face my challenges.
Challenges come.
I'm ready for the fight.
Because I know I will win.
Because I took a moment,
Reset,
and found my silence in peace.
I am alone.
Exhale.
My breath, a cloud white mist, seems to be the trumpet of this quiet mountain.
The moon is my flashlight and reflects off of each crystal of snow that exists to be seen. The woods seem to be lit as far as the eye can see.
Midnight appears to be midday.
I smile.
Overwhelming silence brings to pass a deep warmth inside my heart.
I have found my silence in peace.
My peace in paradise.
My paradise within.
As my gaze circle's; each aspen appears to be perfectly spaced as if this forest had been planted by man and not naturally bloomed at random by god's great hand.
Inhale.
The crisp air fills my lungs entirely and I am alive. Filled with renewed energy and new sense of self.
My mind is clear as my eyes travel up to the moonlit sky.
Each star is like a bright diamond that competes for your attention. Flashing at different moments as if screaming for you to look at only one, while wanting to look at them all as a whole.
Breathtaking.
I take a step towards the only place I can.
Forward.
No longer am I facing the past, but the here and now.
The present.
I am here in this space. Surrounded by such beauty. My heart is open......soft.
I have been reset.
I am ready.
Ready to face the world.
Ready to face my challenges.
Challenges come.
I'm ready for the fight.
Because I know I will win.
Because I took a moment,
Reset,
and found my silence in peace.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Malaysia Flight 370
First of all I hate the title of my post.
It really should be the names of all the people on Malaysia Flight 370. Not a plane and its' number. Each one of them deserves to be recognized, noticed, loved, and searched for till the end of time.
I wish I could tell you I know how you feel. But I don't. My brother went missing 6 years ago without a trace, and his absence consumed my every moment of living.
Every missing person case is different. Sadly, yours is one for the history books.
I haven't written anything about this because I, like I'm sure the entire world, have been in complete and total shock. How does a plane just disappear?
When the news of Jesse's (my brother), disappearance hit, I was so upset. So scared. So worried. A million different scenarios played out in my head and I nearly lost it right then and there.
"My brother is missing? WHAT?! YOU ARE LYING. This only happens in the movies, this is not real life. Wake up niki.......wake up!!!!"
I still have not waken from that nightmare.
I pray with every part of my heart you wake up from yours and news will come as soon as possible about your loved one.
Surround yourself with only the best of friends. Those who lift you up and keep your spirits high. No one should ever tell you how you should be feeling or how long you should be feeling a certain way.
Because all in one day you can go from waking up and feeling like today is the day they will find them. Then the next hour you find yourself bargaining with god to do something.......ANYTHING, to get them back to you.
I remember the worst part about Jesse going missing was the anger. I was SO ANGRY! No one did enough. No one had any answers. I literally wanted to kill someone. (figuratively) "HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING???" Nothing was good enough. Nothing was fast enough. Nothing could calm me. I was a wreck! I fluctuated in between anger and bargaining a lot!
Then a few hours or a day might pass and I've found myself in denial about the entire thing. I have at one time convinced myself that Jesse is on an extended vacation and has just forgot to call for awhile. It helped me deal with the day, or so I thought.
I've even crept over to accepting that this just might be my situation and I may never know where my baby brother went missing to. But that road to acceptance is so incredibly hard to travel down. I am six years out and I still think I could still get answers. And it is ok to think that. Good friends don't crush hope, they support it.
Find good people to confide in. Get a good support system. They are your life line and you need them........YOU NEED THEM.
Before I talk about this next part, please know I am just as hopeful as anyone that your loved one is alive and well and soon this night mare soon will be over. I pray everyday that this is all some crazy misunderstanding and they are safe somewhere and everything is fine. I have so much love and hope for you all and I wish only the best for your families!
You might or might not have found by now that your head kind of spins in a little circle.
This constant cycle is what I call "The Circle of Grief" instead of the "Cycle of Grief". There just seems to be no end to your mourning because there is no closure. Instead of just going through the grieving process like normal people, we keep doing circles because we have no closure. Without closure, it is very difficult to move on. But not impossible.
This grief I am talking about has an actual dictionary name as well........it is called Ambiguous Loss: or Frozen Grief. I've written 2 entire posts about it if you want to know more about it. I also have some references to some books that were quite helpful to me as well. The post is called Ambiguous Loss: Frozen Grief.
My heart goes out to all of you that has lost a loved one. I loved and still love my brother very much. The people who are currently looking for their loved ones from Malaysia Flight 370, You are incredible. I am sick to my stomach that this could even happen in the world today. It shouldn't be possible. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.
My blog gets 100 to 150 hits a day. If anyone wants their loved ones story told, please let me know and I would love to post it, and help get your story out there.
Love to all of you out there who are struggling or in need of comfort this night. I wish you all my love and truly hope tomorrow brings sunshine and warmth to your day.
It really should be the names of all the people on Malaysia Flight 370. Not a plane and its' number. Each one of them deserves to be recognized, noticed, loved, and searched for till the end of time.
I wish I could tell you I know how you feel. But I don't. My brother went missing 6 years ago without a trace, and his absence consumed my every moment of living.
Every missing person case is different. Sadly, yours is one for the history books.
I haven't written anything about this because I, like I'm sure the entire world, have been in complete and total shock. How does a plane just disappear?
When the news of Jesse's (my brother), disappearance hit, I was so upset. So scared. So worried. A million different scenarios played out in my head and I nearly lost it right then and there.
"My brother is missing? WHAT?! YOU ARE LYING. This only happens in the movies, this is not real life. Wake up niki.......wake up!!!!"
I still have not waken from that nightmare.
I pray with every part of my heart you wake up from yours and news will come as soon as possible about your loved one.
Surround yourself with only the best of friends. Those who lift you up and keep your spirits high. No one should ever tell you how you should be feeling or how long you should be feeling a certain way.
Because all in one day you can go from waking up and feeling like today is the day they will find them. Then the next hour you find yourself bargaining with god to do something.......ANYTHING, to get them back to you.
I remember the worst part about Jesse going missing was the anger. I was SO ANGRY! No one did enough. No one had any answers. I literally wanted to kill someone. (figuratively) "HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING???" Nothing was good enough. Nothing was fast enough. Nothing could calm me. I was a wreck! I fluctuated in between anger and bargaining a lot!
Then a few hours or a day might pass and I've found myself in denial about the entire thing. I have at one time convinced myself that Jesse is on an extended vacation and has just forgot to call for awhile. It helped me deal with the day, or so I thought.
I've even crept over to accepting that this just might be my situation and I may never know where my baby brother went missing to. But that road to acceptance is so incredibly hard to travel down. I am six years out and I still think I could still get answers. And it is ok to think that. Good friends don't crush hope, they support it.
Find good people to confide in. Get a good support system. They are your life line and you need them........YOU NEED THEM.
Before I talk about this next part, please know I am just as hopeful as anyone that your loved one is alive and well and soon this night mare soon will be over. I pray everyday that this is all some crazy misunderstanding and they are safe somewhere and everything is fine. I have so much love and hope for you all and I wish only the best for your families!
You might or might not have found by now that your head kind of spins in a little circle.
This constant cycle is what I call "The Circle of Grief" instead of the "Cycle of Grief". There just seems to be no end to your mourning because there is no closure. Instead of just going through the grieving process like normal people, we keep doing circles because we have no closure. Without closure, it is very difficult to move on. But not impossible.
This grief I am talking about has an actual dictionary name as well........it is called Ambiguous Loss: or Frozen Grief. I've written 2 entire posts about it if you want to know more about it. I also have some references to some books that were quite helpful to me as well. The post is called Ambiguous Loss: Frozen Grief.
My heart goes out to all of you that has lost a loved one. I loved and still love my brother very much. The people who are currently looking for their loved ones from Malaysia Flight 370, You are incredible. I am sick to my stomach that this could even happen in the world today. It shouldn't be possible. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.
My blog gets 100 to 150 hits a day. If anyone wants their loved ones story told, please let me know and I would love to post it, and help get your story out there.
Love to all of you out there who are struggling or in need of comfort this night. I wish you all my love and truly hope tomorrow brings sunshine and warmth to your day.
Friday, March 14, 2014
New Normals
I constantly find myself resetting. Finding new normals each day, each week, maybe even each minute.
But what is normal? Some idea I've made up in my head as the perfect way life
should be lived? Because, for some reason my idea of normal always makes me end up falling short of my own expectations. And to this day, I don't even know what I expect from myself.
I'm sitting here in the hospital next to my baby little boy. He has just had an MRI of his brain to try and see why he keeps having so many headaches each and every day.
"I am fine." I keep telling myself. "This situation is just fine. Everyone goes through difficult times. Maybe this will be one of them."
But the constant beeping was going to drive me insane!! Every few seconds a beep, beep, beep, beep.......
Beckham had been sedated for the MRI. So, he had to stay awhile and be hooked up to a monitor at the hospital to ensure his safety. At the same time, the little beeping gave some sort of comfort. It was telling me my son was breathing and his cute little heart was beating.
That didn't stop me from having thoughts of throwing it across the room in hopes to hear it shatter in to a thousands pieces...........
"OK, maybeeeee...............I'm not fine. Maybe I am a little freaked out that it has come this far to figure out why my son is having headaches."
I don't know about you, but I am a freaking psycho when it comes to my kids and what "could" be wrong with them.
For instance, if my child suddenly got some crazy rash, all the worst scenarios play out in my head immediately.
"It's chicken pox for sure. Wait! What if its the measles? It's the plague. I just know it. It's the plague."
OK, maybe not that extreme as the plague. But you get the point. Plus, I'm not an idiot.......most of the time:)
It seemed like an eternity, but little becks woke up, acted a little drunk, and was just fine.
The Radiologist came in, which has never happened in my life. They usually look at your images and send them to your doctor and then you get the results. He informed us that everything looked normal for Beckham.
I didn't realize it but my entire body had been flexed. When he said those words, I felt my entire body relax.
Life is constantly changing. We have to adapt to each change as they come. Good or bad. Whether it is going back to school, a new job, a loved one sent off to war, a new baby, the loss of a loved one, moving.........all kinds of different things.
They cause us at first to be unbalanced. A power struggle. Seeking your new normal. But here is what I have realized while trying to have a perfect house, with a perfect schedule, and a perfect smile to go with it.
It's crap.
Life is not normal. So if you are seeking it, stop. Life is full of beauty and mystery. It changes daily. Just like the whether is, so are our lives. Full of light and warmth. Our thunder storms come unexpectedly and can last longer than we would like. But through the storm always comes the light.
Expect the unexpected. You are your new normal. Love who you are today not who you will be tomorrow.
I'm so grateful baby Becks is in the clear. Thank you for all the prayers. Most of all thank you God for giving me the blessing of a healthy baby boy.
But what is normal? Some idea I've made up in my head as the perfect way life
should be lived? Because, for some reason my idea of normal always makes me end up falling short of my own expectations. And to this day, I don't even know what I expect from myself.
I'm sitting here in the hospital next to my baby little boy. He has just had an MRI of his brain to try and see why he keeps having so many headaches each and every day.
"I am fine." I keep telling myself. "This situation is just fine. Everyone goes through difficult times. Maybe this will be one of them."
But the constant beeping was going to drive me insane!! Every few seconds a beep, beep, beep, beep.......
Beckham had been sedated for the MRI. So, he had to stay awhile and be hooked up to a monitor at the hospital to ensure his safety. At the same time, the little beeping gave some sort of comfort. It was telling me my son was breathing and his cute little heart was beating.
That didn't stop me from having thoughts of throwing it across the room in hopes to hear it shatter in to a thousands pieces...........
"OK, maybeeeee...............I'm not fine. Maybe I am a little freaked out that it has come this far to figure out why my son is having headaches."
I don't know about you, but I am a freaking psycho when it comes to my kids and what "could" be wrong with them.
For instance, if my child suddenly got some crazy rash, all the worst scenarios play out in my head immediately.
"It's chicken pox for sure. Wait! What if its the measles? It's the plague. I just know it. It's the plague."
OK, maybe not that extreme as the plague. But you get the point. Plus, I'm not an idiot.......most of the time:)
It seemed like an eternity, but little becks woke up, acted a little drunk, and was just fine.
The Radiologist came in, which has never happened in my life. They usually look at your images and send them to your doctor and then you get the results. He informed us that everything looked normal for Beckham.
I didn't realize it but my entire body had been flexed. When he said those words, I felt my entire body relax.
Life is constantly changing. We have to adapt to each change as they come. Good or bad. Whether it is going back to school, a new job, a loved one sent off to war, a new baby, the loss of a loved one, moving.........all kinds of different things.
They cause us at first to be unbalanced. A power struggle. Seeking your new normal. But here is what I have realized while trying to have a perfect house, with a perfect schedule, and a perfect smile to go with it.
It's crap.
Life is not normal. So if you are seeking it, stop. Life is full of beauty and mystery. It changes daily. Just like the whether is, so are our lives. Full of light and warmth. Our thunder storms come unexpectedly and can last longer than we would like. But through the storm always comes the light.
Expect the unexpected. You are your new normal. Love who you are today not who you will be tomorrow.
I'm so grateful baby Becks is in the clear. Thank you for all the prayers. Most of all thank you God for giving me the blessing of a healthy baby boy.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Never Forgotten
Forgive me if sometimes I beat this subject over and over like a dirty, old, dead, gross, dusty, door mat. BUT---I was watching the news the other day and I just have to get this off my chest or I think I might just burst. And we all know that is a remedy for disaster.....
I was watching the news the other night and I saw an update on a young man who had been held captive most of his life. He had gone missing when he was about 6 and finally found at about 17 years of age.
The interview was quite fascinating. His point of view and his optimism on life was truly admirable. At one point the person giving the interview just stopped the man in the middle of answering one of her questions and said. "How is it that after so long in captivity, you didn't just loose hope of ever escaping?" The man stopped, but stopped for just a moment to think. Just a moment. Looked up at the person giving the interview and said. "Because they never gave up." Tears began to well up inside the mans eyes.
He was talking about his mother and father.
For those long eleven years his parents continued on their quest looking for their son. Never forgetting that he could still be alive. I do not remember this young man's name so I am going to call him Steve.
While Steve was held in captivity he was allowed to watch TV. On occaison he would see news clippings of his parents. Still, after all these years looking for their son, trying to spread the word about their missing son.
On occasion Steven was able to sneak and get access to a computer and surf the internet. He was able to see his parents website that was dedicated to him. They continued to update it for eleven years, giving Steven the strength to endure his captivity. His courage is truly inspiring.
Now......I know Stevens' case is unique. And most of the time a missing persons case doesn't end up that way. In fact, EVERY missing person case is different and UNIQUE.
Life is full of surprises. One day life is normal and then it is never the same again. It shifts. A new normal needs to be found.
The one thing I am so amazed at is the power of love. People say you can't see it, but that isn't true. It glistens in the eyes of the ones who love you back.
The people I love have such a strong hold on my heart. Forgetting them would be impossible. This blog will forever be dedicated to Jesse. When I write on it, I will always have him on my mind. (even if I don't mention him in the post.) So if you are out there Jesse, know we haven't forgotten you. (and you better come home......that is a threat;) We will never loose hope.
I do feel very blessed in my life. I've had a very happy one. I've learned so much. My kids are my greatest gifts and my husband my best friend. Thank you all for all your support and love. It has truly helped so much. Thank you. Thank you!
I was watching the news the other night and I saw an update on a young man who had been held captive most of his life. He had gone missing when he was about 6 and finally found at about 17 years of age.
The interview was quite fascinating. His point of view and his optimism on life was truly admirable. At one point the person giving the interview just stopped the man in the middle of answering one of her questions and said. "How is it that after so long in captivity, you didn't just loose hope of ever escaping?" The man stopped, but stopped for just a moment to think. Just a moment. Looked up at the person giving the interview and said. "Because they never gave up." Tears began to well up inside the mans eyes.
He was talking about his mother and father.
For those long eleven years his parents continued on their quest looking for their son. Never forgetting that he could still be alive. I do not remember this young man's name so I am going to call him Steve.
While Steve was held in captivity he was allowed to watch TV. On occaison he would see news clippings of his parents. Still, after all these years looking for their son, trying to spread the word about their missing son.
On occasion Steven was able to sneak and get access to a computer and surf the internet. He was able to see his parents website that was dedicated to him. They continued to update it for eleven years, giving Steven the strength to endure his captivity. His courage is truly inspiring.
Now......I know Stevens' case is unique. And most of the time a missing persons case doesn't end up that way. In fact, EVERY missing person case is different and UNIQUE.
Life is full of surprises. One day life is normal and then it is never the same again. It shifts. A new normal needs to be found.
The one thing I am so amazed at is the power of love. People say you can't see it, but that isn't true. It glistens in the eyes of the ones who love you back.
The people I love have such a strong hold on my heart. Forgetting them would be impossible. This blog will forever be dedicated to Jesse. When I write on it, I will always have him on my mind. (even if I don't mention him in the post.) So if you are out there Jesse, know we haven't forgotten you. (and you better come home......that is a threat;) We will never loose hope.
I do feel very blessed in my life. I've had a very happy one. I've learned so much. My kids are my greatest gifts and my husband my best friend. Thank you all for all your support and love. It has truly helped so much. Thank you. Thank you!
Monday, November 4, 2013
Trials Define Me....?
It has been a long time since I last posted. After Jesse's memorial I
couldn't see myself ever writing again. I had feared writing would stir
up feelings inside me I didn't want to feel anymore. BUT---late, late,
late last night I decided to check my blog and read some old posts.
To my surprise, I had seven new messages waiting for me to read. Most of them were from anonymous people. Each message was a compliment of some kind. I was shocked. I didn't think anyone read this blog besides family. Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. It gave me courage when I thought I had none.
I've been honest in my thoughts and struggles I have had throughout these past 5 years without my little brother. For people to say some of my posts have helped them means more to me than anyone could ever know. If this blog has impacted ANYONE it has been worth the effort.
Over the past 3 months I have done a lot of thinking and healing. The memorial did more for me than I ever thought possible. It made me realize what I let my trials do to me. I was my trial.
Everyone is different and unique. Every experience we have in life influences us into the people we are today. Some people are soft spoken, some are loud, some are opinionated and judgmental. Our personalities and view on life is shaped by the trials we have faced. How we respond to each trial is what makes you strong or breaks you down.
My trials were in control of me. They made all of the decisions. They called all of the shots. I was broken. I knew I was broken. It was if I accepted that this was how it was and there is nothing I can do about it. I surrendered to my trials. They had won. I gave up.
Every time I thought I hit rock bottom the floor dropped another 5 feet. Rock bottom didn't seem to exist anymore. It was an endless hole I had fallen into. I had no hope of crawling out. I accepted my black hole.
Soon happiness seemed like a foreign word. I couldn't remember what the word even meant. This was my new normal. I felt a deep panic inside of me. My only thought was, "RUN!!!". I wanted to run away from everything. Run from the pain and confusion. Most of all, I wanted to run away from my responsibilities. "It was too much", I told myself. I wanted simple. I wanted to disappear.
Kirt, my husband, had no idea how to help me. He couldn't help me. I was the only person who could help me.
I had a choice to make. Take this trial and learn from it and use it as a stepping stone in my life. OR, let this trial define me and control every aspect of my life.
Some trials can seem like the highest mountain. They can seem like they will never end. There is no top, just a steeper and steeper climb.
I think back to when this trial began and then see what my life is now because of it. I had to make a decision. Give in or get up.
I decided to get up. I prayed to God. "I am not strong enough. I am too weak. I can't do this on my own. Help me give this trial to you. Help me believe again. Take this pain away from me.....please?"
It took a little while but slowly my pain lessened. The anger and resentment I had felt towards life had finally left me. My trial no longer defined me. I defined it.
Everyone has challenges in their life. Some people I have met and talked to them about a challenge or trial they are facing. I have caught myself saying, "I could never handle that trial." How are they able to move on with their life and be so happy??? Then, I think of my own trials and am grateful for the trials I am faced with. I am grateful my trials are mine and their trials are theirs.
Trials can make you strong and teach you understanding. I am so grateful for what I have learned from my brothers disappearance. Although I would prefer he never went missing, the priceless lessons I have learned and the friendships I have made because of this trial are irreplaceable.
I view the world differently. I have learned that each challenge in life could always be worse than it is at the moment. I have learned to always try to look at a situation at every angle possible. How can I learn from this? What could this teach me?
My brother's disappearance taught me to appreciate family a million times more. They are a precious gift in this life. You never know if the moments you spend with them will be your last. I have learned to treat them more kindly and really appreciate who they are and what they mean to me. Sometimes we treat those we love the most, the worst, and those we know the least, the best. I am trying my best to make those special in my life a priority and not take them for granted. I love you guys!
Most importantly, Jesse taught me to live life to the fullest and then even a little more. Life has its ups, downs, twists and turns, but it is always beautiful. Some days it might not feel like it will ever be beautiful again. Sometimes it can be dark and lonely. But, the sunlight will come. It may take awhile, but it does eventually come. You will have the courage and the strength to fight another day.
And please believe me when I say it is worth fighting for.
To my surprise, I had seven new messages waiting for me to read. Most of them were from anonymous people. Each message was a compliment of some kind. I was shocked. I didn't think anyone read this blog besides family. Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. It gave me courage when I thought I had none.
I've been honest in my thoughts and struggles I have had throughout these past 5 years without my little brother. For people to say some of my posts have helped them means more to me than anyone could ever know. If this blog has impacted ANYONE it has been worth the effort.
Over the past 3 months I have done a lot of thinking and healing. The memorial did more for me than I ever thought possible. It made me realize what I let my trials do to me. I was my trial.
Everyone is different and unique. Every experience we have in life influences us into the people we are today. Some people are soft spoken, some are loud, some are opinionated and judgmental. Our personalities and view on life is shaped by the trials we have faced. How we respond to each trial is what makes you strong or breaks you down.
My trials were in control of me. They made all of the decisions. They called all of the shots. I was broken. I knew I was broken. It was if I accepted that this was how it was and there is nothing I can do about it. I surrendered to my trials. They had won. I gave up.
Every time I thought I hit rock bottom the floor dropped another 5 feet. Rock bottom didn't seem to exist anymore. It was an endless hole I had fallen into. I had no hope of crawling out. I accepted my black hole.
Soon happiness seemed like a foreign word. I couldn't remember what the word even meant. This was my new normal. I felt a deep panic inside of me. My only thought was, "RUN!!!". I wanted to run away from everything. Run from the pain and confusion. Most of all, I wanted to run away from my responsibilities. "It was too much", I told myself. I wanted simple. I wanted to disappear.
Kirt, my husband, had no idea how to help me. He couldn't help me. I was the only person who could help me.
I had a choice to make. Take this trial and learn from it and use it as a stepping stone in my life. OR, let this trial define me and control every aspect of my life.
Some trials can seem like the highest mountain. They can seem like they will never end. There is no top, just a steeper and steeper climb.
I think back to when this trial began and then see what my life is now because of it. I had to make a decision. Give in or get up.
I decided to get up. I prayed to God. "I am not strong enough. I am too weak. I can't do this on my own. Help me give this trial to you. Help me believe again. Take this pain away from me.....please?"
It took a little while but slowly my pain lessened. The anger and resentment I had felt towards life had finally left me. My trial no longer defined me. I defined it.
Everyone has challenges in their life. Some people I have met and talked to them about a challenge or trial they are facing. I have caught myself saying, "I could never handle that trial." How are they able to move on with their life and be so happy??? Then, I think of my own trials and am grateful for the trials I am faced with. I am grateful my trials are mine and their trials are theirs.
Trials can make you strong and teach you understanding. I am so grateful for what I have learned from my brothers disappearance. Although I would prefer he never went missing, the priceless lessons I have learned and the friendships I have made because of this trial are irreplaceable.
I view the world differently. I have learned that each challenge in life could always be worse than it is at the moment. I have learned to always try to look at a situation at every angle possible. How can I learn from this? What could this teach me?
My brother's disappearance taught me to appreciate family a million times more. They are a precious gift in this life. You never know if the moments you spend with them will be your last. I have learned to treat them more kindly and really appreciate who they are and what they mean to me. Sometimes we treat those we love the most, the worst, and those we know the least, the best. I am trying my best to make those special in my life a priority and not take them for granted. I love you guys!
Most importantly, Jesse taught me to live life to the fullest and then even a little more. Life has its ups, downs, twists and turns, but it is always beautiful. Some days it might not feel like it will ever be beautiful again. Sometimes it can be dark and lonely. But, the sunlight will come. It may take awhile, but it does eventually come. You will have the courage and the strength to fight another day.
And please believe me when I say it is worth fighting for.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
I found my missing piece.....
After a long break, I am finally able to write again. In the past 4 weeks we have moved, gone to Lake Powell for a week, and planned and attended my brothers memorial......so writing just wasn't possible.
Inner peace. For five years I have had a deep hole in my heart. One that I thought would never mend. Inner peace was only a dream for me. But.....I am here to say, hearts can mend. There is life after tragedy, and the only way to mend that heart is by facing your challenge head on.
Thursday, July 11, 2013, was a life saving day. It was the day of my brother's memorial.
I had no idea how much I needed this.
I have finally received closure from an impossible situation.
Everyone in the family spoke. When it came to be my turn, I was sobbing. I thought I would never make it through my talk. But, amazingly, I was able to calm my crying and talk about my baby brother.
After I spoke a great peace came over me. I had faced my biggest fear. I felt so happy,
To celebrate jesse's life was what our family needed. Emotions were high, but in the end peace is all I felt.
I wanted jesse to know how much I loved him. How much I cared. I haven't been able to speak about him in public since he left.
A great weight has been lifted off me. I was finally able to do something for one of my best friends. That is what the missing piece was to my healing process. I found my missing piece!!!!
Isn't it strange, that the things that we feel most afraid of aren't really that scary once you finally face them.
I am so grateful to feel I have celebrated my brother's life. It was the last piece in finding a way to have some sort of closure.
I may never know where jesse is in this life. And that in itself is a true tragedy. But I finally found a way to look beyond my pain and beyond sorrows.
I am for the first time in five years, excited for life. Excited to wake up in the morning. I love life again!!
After all my family has been through, I can honestly say, god works his miracles. I could have turned away and been bitter with the world. But through gods tender whispers and gentle touch, He carried me through this. Some days I was lucky to be alive. He saved me in more ways I can count. Thank you.
To my brother Jesse:
My life will never be complete until I will see you again. The ache of your disappearance nearly killed me. But through constant prayer and after constant praying I have found peace.
I know I will see you. There is no doubt in my mind our lives will intersect again. I love you, my cute sweet baby brother. Life with out you will always seem wrong. Family dinners are meant to be with you. They will never be the same.
But my love for you is more than this life. It expands into the eternities. That love for you has kept me strong in a weak situation. You lived life so carefree. You taught me to not take my life so seriously. I love everything about you.
I can honestly say, had god not litterally lifted me up off the floor I had been laying on and carried me back into reality I would have not survived this challenge.
God lives. And only through him can we endure our greatest life's challenge's. Thank you to all who have supported me and my family. There is life after tragedy.............And it is wonderful.
love niki
Inner peace. For five years I have had a deep hole in my heart. One that I thought would never mend. Inner peace was only a dream for me. But.....I am here to say, hearts can mend. There is life after tragedy, and the only way to mend that heart is by facing your challenge head on.
Thursday, July 11, 2013, was a life saving day. It was the day of my brother's memorial.
I had no idea how much I needed this.
I have finally received closure from an impossible situation.
Everyone in the family spoke. When it came to be my turn, I was sobbing. I thought I would never make it through my talk. But, amazingly, I was able to calm my crying and talk about my baby brother.
After I spoke a great peace came over me. I had faced my biggest fear. I felt so happy,
To celebrate jesse's life was what our family needed. Emotions were high, but in the end peace is all I felt.
I wanted jesse to know how much I loved him. How much I cared. I haven't been able to speak about him in public since he left.
A great weight has been lifted off me. I was finally able to do something for one of my best friends. That is what the missing piece was to my healing process. I found my missing piece!!!!
Isn't it strange, that the things that we feel most afraid of aren't really that scary once you finally face them.
I am so grateful to feel I have celebrated my brother's life. It was the last piece in finding a way to have some sort of closure.
I may never know where jesse is in this life. And that in itself is a true tragedy. But I finally found a way to look beyond my pain and beyond sorrows.
I am for the first time in five years, excited for life. Excited to wake up in the morning. I love life again!!
After all my family has been through, I can honestly say, god works his miracles. I could have turned away and been bitter with the world. But through gods tender whispers and gentle touch, He carried me through this. Some days I was lucky to be alive. He saved me in more ways I can count. Thank you.
To my brother Jesse:
My life will never be complete until I will see you again. The ache of your disappearance nearly killed me. But through constant prayer and after constant praying I have found peace.
I know I will see you. There is no doubt in my mind our lives will intersect again. I love you, my cute sweet baby brother. Life with out you will always seem wrong. Family dinners are meant to be with you. They will never be the same.
But my love for you is more than this life. It expands into the eternities. That love for you has kept me strong in a weak situation. You lived life so carefree. You taught me to not take my life so seriously. I love everything about you.
I can honestly say, had god not litterally lifted me up off the floor I had been laying on and carried me back into reality I would have not survived this challenge.
God lives. And only through him can we endure our greatest life's challenge's. Thank you to all who have supported me and my family. There is life after tragedy.............And it is wonderful.
love niki
Monday, June 10, 2013
Memorial.....
Increased anxiety about this memorial fills me up inside. Is this going to feel like closure? I have no idea. I've never talked to anyone who's done a memorial. I've never talked to someone who had a "funeral" with out an actual body. I'm just grateful we get to do one for my baby brother Jesse.
The invites have been passed out! The plans are in place. I hope this memorial brings peace to all those who have suffered the ache of Jesse's absence.
To anyone who has a missing loved one, my heart goes out to you. The confusion of a memorial, such as this, is hard to take in. Mixed feelings feel me up inside.
Will I never know what happened to Jesse? Will I find peace if I never know? I am nauseous just thinking about the day of his memorial.
As I have said before, some of this blog is about how me and my family have coped with dissappearance of my brother. My hope is to let anyone out there who has a missing loved one, that there are others out there just like you.
My emotions are happy and content at this very moment. I hope that it stays that way forever. But I know there will be the waves of anger and worry that can creep up inside me. This challenge is a roller coaster of emotions that I wish would shut off.
As of today, my family is doing quite well. I worry for my mother. Her grief is unimaginable.
Some in the family are ready and want to do the memorial. Others are not. At what point do you have a memorial for a missing person? I wish I had a rule book, or a set of guide lines to follow.
Plans are in place. A light dinner with each family member set to share something about Jesse. Family all around celebrating a life we all treasured.
I wonder how everyone else feels. I'm scared to face this day. It is a strange anticipation. Eager to get it over with but at the same time, never wanting the day to come.
But---at the same time, so excited to be able to talk about my brother. I miss talking about him. For many, the subject is off limits or extremely awkward. What do you say to someone who has a missing loved one? Most are shocked at the news and change the subject.
How grateful I am for a night of complete honesty. For a chance to remember him. I fear I am loosing parts of his memory due to time. I am grateful for a reminder of how great he really was.
I am so grateful for the family that has been there for us. I am so grateful to those who plan to attend. It is a good feeling to know you aren't alone in this process of loss.
In all honesty. I am excited to see all my family members. This will be a fantastic day.
To all those who have lost someone, I am so sorry. These kind of days are the ones you think you will never face.
I'm just glad I don't have to face it alone.
The invites have been passed out! The plans are in place. I hope this memorial brings peace to all those who have suffered the ache of Jesse's absence.
To anyone who has a missing loved one, my heart goes out to you. The confusion of a memorial, such as this, is hard to take in. Mixed feelings feel me up inside.
Will I never know what happened to Jesse? Will I find peace if I never know? I am nauseous just thinking about the day of his memorial.
As I have said before, some of this blog is about how me and my family have coped with dissappearance of my brother. My hope is to let anyone out there who has a missing loved one, that there are others out there just like you.
My emotions are happy and content at this very moment. I hope that it stays that way forever. But I know there will be the waves of anger and worry that can creep up inside me. This challenge is a roller coaster of emotions that I wish would shut off.
As of today, my family is doing quite well. I worry for my mother. Her grief is unimaginable.
Some in the family are ready and want to do the memorial. Others are not. At what point do you have a memorial for a missing person? I wish I had a rule book, or a set of guide lines to follow.
Plans are in place. A light dinner with each family member set to share something about Jesse. Family all around celebrating a life we all treasured.
I wonder how everyone else feels. I'm scared to face this day. It is a strange anticipation. Eager to get it over with but at the same time, never wanting the day to come.
But---at the same time, so excited to be able to talk about my brother. I miss talking about him. For many, the subject is off limits or extremely awkward. What do you say to someone who has a missing loved one? Most are shocked at the news and change the subject.
How grateful I am for a night of complete honesty. For a chance to remember him. I fear I am loosing parts of his memory due to time. I am grateful for a reminder of how great he really was.
I am so grateful for the family that has been there for us. I am so grateful to those who plan to attend. It is a good feeling to know you aren't alone in this process of loss.
In all honesty. I am excited to see all my family members. This will be a fantastic day.
To all those who have lost someone, I am so sorry. These kind of days are the ones you think you will never face.
I'm just glad I don't have to face it alone.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Scared to take a Jump....
In this journey I have been on called life, there is one thing for certain, nothing is certain. Your life is never laid out in front of you so you can plan accordingly.
In all my experiences, I have never felt so certain about this one thing.(that I will not be naming)
For example, how steady a job was going to be, or maybe the person you were sure you were going to marry didn't feel the same way, or you thought for certain, some of the challenges you have faced, only happened in the movies.
So I have my life planned out at 16 years old and am sure it will go exactly to plan. NO one can tell me differently, I will make it happen. People smile and nod. They think they know everything.
So this plan I have or had. It didn't really go exactly they way I planned it to.
Sometimes I find myself in shock at the challenges people face and are able to carry on with such faith and happiness.
Well, one if my little/big plans I had in life didn't work out at all how I expected. Actually I felt it blew up in my face. I found myself in wonder with God. "How could I have been so sure about something and turn out completely wrong?"
My confidence in myself was completely shattered. Trusting in my thoughts and feelings were now at question. I was mind blown.
A lesson I think I wasn't ready for.
Sometimes I think the choices we make are completely ours to make. There are no right or wrong answers. It is simply our choice. How little confidence I have in myself when the choice is up to me. I'd rather god tell me the right choice. Then I would never make any bad decisions.
I was wrong. How completely stumped I was when the choice I had thought so right, ended up being so wrong. It is a challenge in itself to admit you are wrong.
Just like thinking a job was going to be steady and the next day you are fired. Or proposing to your one true love and finding she does not feel the same way.You may find yourself hesitant to trust yourself with the next big decision in your life.
But I have learned that trusting in yourself is one of life's great lessons. Trust your instincts. Act on them. Just because life has not gone according to plan does not mean that it is not beautiful.
Trust yourself. Be confident in yourself. Life may seem crazy and can seem to take you in a direction you never thought possible. But there is reason behind it. Find it.
These twists and turns are set in place to challenge us beyond our capabilities. To make us strong.
"God does give us challenges we cannot handle. It is only through him we are able to face the rain and thunder that challenge our lives. Soon that storm will break way into that beautiful sunshine that is always waiting on the other side."
Trust in yourself. Your instincts are right. You just need to act on them.
In all my experiences, I have never felt so certain about this one thing.(that I will not be naming)
For example, how steady a job was going to be, or maybe the person you were sure you were going to marry didn't feel the same way, or you thought for certain, some of the challenges you have faced, only happened in the movies.
So I have my life planned out at 16 years old and am sure it will go exactly to plan. NO one can tell me differently, I will make it happen. People smile and nod. They think they know everything.
So this plan I have or had. It didn't really go exactly they way I planned it to.
Sometimes I find myself in shock at the challenges people face and are able to carry on with such faith and happiness.
Well, one if my little/big plans I had in life didn't work out at all how I expected. Actually I felt it blew up in my face. I found myself in wonder with God. "How could I have been so sure about something and turn out completely wrong?"
My confidence in myself was completely shattered. Trusting in my thoughts and feelings were now at question. I was mind blown.
A lesson I think I wasn't ready for.
Sometimes I think the choices we make are completely ours to make. There are no right or wrong answers. It is simply our choice. How little confidence I have in myself when the choice is up to me. I'd rather god tell me the right choice. Then I would never make any bad decisions.
I was wrong. How completely stumped I was when the choice I had thought so right, ended up being so wrong. It is a challenge in itself to admit you are wrong.
Just like thinking a job was going to be steady and the next day you are fired. Or proposing to your one true love and finding she does not feel the same way.You may find yourself hesitant to trust yourself with the next big decision in your life.
But I have learned that trusting in yourself is one of life's great lessons. Trust your instincts. Act on them. Just because life has not gone according to plan does not mean that it is not beautiful.
Trust yourself. Be confident in yourself. Life may seem crazy and can seem to take you in a direction you never thought possible. But there is reason behind it. Find it.
These twists and turns are set in place to challenge us beyond our capabilities. To make us strong.
"God does give us challenges we cannot handle. It is only through him we are able to face the rain and thunder that challenge our lives. Soon that storm will break way into that beautiful sunshine that is always waiting on the other side."
Trust in yourself. Your instincts are right. You just need to act on them.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Where your heart is...
Home....I think I have been home sick for over a year and a half. I think I have been searching for something that has been sitting in front of me all this time...
If you have been reading my blog, you may know that within the past 7 months I have moved 2 times. In the ten years that Kirt and I have been married we have moved over 9 times.
I must say, out of all those moves, these last two have taught me the very most.
I had this dream. I was going to have this huge beautiful home. Huge kids play room loft, with skylights to watch the stars at night, granite counter tops, hard wood floors, a theater room........you know.......the works.
Well 7 months ago my dream came true. I got my dream home. It was fantastic! I was in love with this home. I moved from my neighborhood we had been living in for quite some time and made the jump to our dream home. All seemed too good...
It turns out I was wrong.
This house was ginormous!!! It was double the size of our old home. How could I not love this home, right? Yeah, I thought that too. But, I found myself extremely uncomfortable at night. My kids and I were now on different floors and I could no longer hear their soft little voices when they called out for me. No longer hear the cute noises they made in the night that seemed to sing me to sleep. I was alone in silence, and in a mansion of worries.
My breaking point came when Chase came into my room and all you could hear was a wheezing breath coming from his mouth. I turned on the light and my precious little boys mouth was completely blue. Chase had croup. I ran him into the bathroom and turned on the hot water stripped him naked and jumped into the bath with him. Chase is older, (6), so I stayed fully clothed and helled my sweet baby in the bath tub full of water and just listened to him breathe the rest of the night. Music to my ears.
I have not slept a full nights rest since that night. Had he not woke me up, I would have never known he was struggling to breathe. "Oh how I wished my home was small." I thought. Oh how I wished I could reverse time and go back to where I was before. Oh how I wished I knew what I had when I had it.
It was then I got to thinking....Am I a "grass is always greener" type of person? Is this how it is always going to be? Always thinking the opposite of how I am living looks so much better? Gee....I hope not.
What is wrong with me??? This is my dream home!
But now, I'm not so sure.
What is a dream home? Is it a ginormous house filled with swimming pools and endless games to play? Granite counter tops and hard wood floors?
Or could it be something else?
Something else entirely different.
In these past two moves, as I have said, I have learned so much. The most important was.......I now know what a dream house really is.
It is not a ginormous house. It can be any size. For it is feeling in the home that brings the house to life. I found as we switched to my "dream home" my family came with it. Had they not been there in this new home......it would just be a building that I slept in. A house is just a building you sleep in. Your family and the life you bring to the home is what makes it a place of love and happiness.
I found this ginormous home too big for our family. Too easy to be far apart. Too easy to not communicate with each other. We needed a small and cozy home.
If you have a home and the neighborhood and the schools are good. Don't move. A home is just a place you sleep in. But a good neighborhood is hard to come by. It is a regret I was able to correct but be careful. A good neighborhood is irreplaceable.
What I learned was to be grateful always for what I have at all times. A small home is a blessing. Just having a home is a blessing. My dream home is what I had all along. I'm with the people I love the most. What more could I possibly ask for? For the first time I think I am learning what it means to be content with my life. So sad that it has taken this long to understand what that word actually means:)
"To be content in life is to find true rest within your soul"------anonymous
If you have been reading my blog, you may know that within the past 7 months I have moved 2 times. In the ten years that Kirt and I have been married we have moved over 9 times.
I must say, out of all those moves, these last two have taught me the very most.
I had this dream. I was going to have this huge beautiful home. Huge kids play room loft, with skylights to watch the stars at night, granite counter tops, hard wood floors, a theater room........you know.......the works.
Well 7 months ago my dream came true. I got my dream home. It was fantastic! I was in love with this home. I moved from my neighborhood we had been living in for quite some time and made the jump to our dream home. All seemed too good...
It turns out I was wrong.
This house was ginormous!!! It was double the size of our old home. How could I not love this home, right? Yeah, I thought that too. But, I found myself extremely uncomfortable at night. My kids and I were now on different floors and I could no longer hear their soft little voices when they called out for me. No longer hear the cute noises they made in the night that seemed to sing me to sleep. I was alone in silence, and in a mansion of worries.
My breaking point came when Chase came into my room and all you could hear was a wheezing breath coming from his mouth. I turned on the light and my precious little boys mouth was completely blue. Chase had croup. I ran him into the bathroom and turned on the hot water stripped him naked and jumped into the bath with him. Chase is older, (6), so I stayed fully clothed and helled my sweet baby in the bath tub full of water and just listened to him breathe the rest of the night. Music to my ears.
I have not slept a full nights rest since that night. Had he not woke me up, I would have never known he was struggling to breathe. "Oh how I wished my home was small." I thought. Oh how I wished I could reverse time and go back to where I was before. Oh how I wished I knew what I had when I had it.
It was then I got to thinking....Am I a "grass is always greener" type of person? Is this how it is always going to be? Always thinking the opposite of how I am living looks so much better? Gee....I hope not.
What is wrong with me??? This is my dream home!
But now, I'm not so sure.
What is a dream home? Is it a ginormous house filled with swimming pools and endless games to play? Granite counter tops and hard wood floors?
Or could it be something else?
Something else entirely different.
In these past two moves, as I have said, I have learned so much. The most important was.......I now know what a dream house really is.
It is not a ginormous house. It can be any size. For it is feeling in the home that brings the house to life. I found as we switched to my "dream home" my family came with it. Had they not been there in this new home......it would just be a building that I slept in. A house is just a building you sleep in. Your family and the life you bring to the home is what makes it a place of love and happiness.
I found this ginormous home too big for our family. Too easy to be far apart. Too easy to not communicate with each other. We needed a small and cozy home.
If you have a home and the neighborhood and the schools are good. Don't move. A home is just a place you sleep in. But a good neighborhood is hard to come by. It is a regret I was able to correct but be careful. A good neighborhood is irreplaceable.
What I learned was to be grateful always for what I have at all times. A small home is a blessing. Just having a home is a blessing. My dream home is what I had all along. I'm with the people I love the most. What more could I possibly ask for? For the first time I think I am learning what it means to be content with my life. So sad that it has taken this long to understand what that word actually means:)
"To be content in life is to find true rest within your soul"------anonymous
Friday, May 24, 2013
One more than you can ever say!
Do you remember on the playground when you were arguing with your friends over something completely ridiculous but you had to be the one who was right no matter what? No matter what they said? So you would argue something like this....."I like that shirt the most!", "No! I like that shirt the most!!", "Uh-ah, I like that shirt one more than you can ever say!" And so on the argument would go. I had that very argument just yesterday.....
Well Ladies......I put an offer on a house. Yes, yes, yes, I did. (Now, I'm ok talking money with people. Forgive me if I make you uncomfortable by talking money but you keep reading so technically it's your fault.)
We have been looking for a house to live in for over a year and a half. So just three days ago I saw this house listed for sale and I fell in love with it. Soooooo......this house was in our price range and we had a little wiggle room. I was so excited!
Orem, Utah is a hot place to live right now apparantely. This home went up for sale just that day and had 3 offers by the end of the night. AH!!! I hate this! So we decided to put in our best offer. (it was over list price.) By the next day at 6 pm we got the word that all offers were over list price! They wanted best and final offers in by 6 pm the next night.
Stupid. Drive me crazy, Nuts! What do I do?! Offer a crazy amount?! BEG?! I want, wait! I need this house. It is perfect for my family! The schools, the neighborhood, my best friend lives right by me, tons of kids in the all the houses surrounding the house, what more could I want?
Then it hit me.....One more than you can ever say!!! That's it!!! That is how I will make my offer! Call me crazy but I'm gonna do it. Offer them $1,000 above whatever the highest offer submitted was. It was a huge risk. "What if someone offers them a crazy amount? What if someone offers them $30,000 over the listed price???" That's the gamble. BUT---what if, by chance, they all only have gone over the listed price by just a little bit. What if I call their bluff???
If I were to just give my best and final offer......because I have been looking for literally a year and a half, I would have offered $20,000 over listed price. Crazy, I know. I wanted this house so badly. So we did it. One more than you could ever say. HA HA! Yes. They actually let you do these kind of offers:) Everyone thought I was nuts. Kirt was a mess. (Of course we protected ourselves and made this all contingent upon appraisal. Gee, I'm not completely stupid.)
We submitted our offer. Now we just had to wait.
And wait....
And wait....
And wait...
Finally I got the call. My relator told me to sit down. I immediately sat down. "Ok Niki. There were 6 offers submitted by the time the deadline hit. Of all those offers......they chose yours." I screamed. I was full of excitement and fear all at once. I still didn't know how much I was going to pay for the house. I said. "OK. So tell me how much I am going to pay for my house." There was a slight pause. "Are you sitting down?", "Yeeeeesssss?" I said slowly. "You are paying...." and he told me the purchase price.
It was only $8,000 more than the listed price!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen I won! Let's go to VEGAS because this girl is on fire!!! It was such a gamble and such huge risk but what a rush!!! Kirt and I sat there and just laughed. We would have at least offered $10,000 over listed price with six other offers on the table. But I called their bluff and won! Everyone just went a little bit over the listed price. SO happy it worked out! I am going to be in my dream neighborhood! So grateful we got the house!
I guess this just goes to show that some of the silly things we learned on the playground really can help us out later in life. Who knew for me it would be "ONE MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER SAY"
Well Ladies......I put an offer on a house. Yes, yes, yes, I did. (Now, I'm ok talking money with people. Forgive me if I make you uncomfortable by talking money but you keep reading so technically it's your fault.)
We have been looking for a house to live in for over a year and a half. So just three days ago I saw this house listed for sale and I fell in love with it. Soooooo......this house was in our price range and we had a little wiggle room. I was so excited!
Orem, Utah is a hot place to live right now apparantely. This home went up for sale just that day and had 3 offers by the end of the night. AH!!! I hate this! So we decided to put in our best offer. (it was over list price.) By the next day at 6 pm we got the word that all offers were over list price! They wanted best and final offers in by 6 pm the next night.
Stupid. Drive me crazy, Nuts! What do I do?! Offer a crazy amount?! BEG?! I want, wait! I need this house. It is perfect for my family! The schools, the neighborhood, my best friend lives right by me, tons of kids in the all the houses surrounding the house, what more could I want?
Then it hit me.....One more than you can ever say!!! That's it!!! That is how I will make my offer! Call me crazy but I'm gonna do it. Offer them $1,000 above whatever the highest offer submitted was. It was a huge risk. "What if someone offers them a crazy amount? What if someone offers them $30,000 over the listed price???" That's the gamble. BUT---what if, by chance, they all only have gone over the listed price by just a little bit. What if I call their bluff???
If I were to just give my best and final offer......because I have been looking for literally a year and a half, I would have offered $20,000 over listed price. Crazy, I know. I wanted this house so badly. So we did it. One more than you could ever say. HA HA! Yes. They actually let you do these kind of offers:) Everyone thought I was nuts. Kirt was a mess. (Of course we protected ourselves and made this all contingent upon appraisal. Gee, I'm not completely stupid.)
We submitted our offer. Now we just had to wait.
And wait....
And wait....
And wait...
Finally I got the call. My relator told me to sit down. I immediately sat down. "Ok Niki. There were 6 offers submitted by the time the deadline hit. Of all those offers......they chose yours." I screamed. I was full of excitement and fear all at once. I still didn't know how much I was going to pay for the house. I said. "OK. So tell me how much I am going to pay for my house." There was a slight pause. "Are you sitting down?", "Yeeeeesssss?" I said slowly. "You are paying...." and he told me the purchase price.
It was only $8,000 more than the listed price!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen I won! Let's go to VEGAS because this girl is on fire!!! It was such a gamble and such huge risk but what a rush!!! Kirt and I sat there and just laughed. We would have at least offered $10,000 over listed price with six other offers on the table. But I called their bluff and won! Everyone just went a little bit over the listed price. SO happy it worked out! I am going to be in my dream neighborhood! So grateful we got the house!
I guess this just goes to show that some of the silly things we learned on the playground really can help us out later in life. Who knew for me it would be "ONE MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER SAY"
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Le Mes
I have never seen Le Mes, or even heard the music that goes along with Le Mes. When I tell people this they are mind blown. They cannot believe it. Apparently it has beautiful music and an amazing story to go with it. But everyone has told me, "Oh, you will cry!" Well.....guess what? I don't like to cry. Les Mes has been a huge fear of mine. I have been so afraid to see this show. All I have heard is that it is so sad. Why would I want to watch something that is so sad???? So my friend broke me down and took me to the pioneer theater in Salt Lake City. I have even bought the movie and still have not watched it. That is how scared I am to watch this show. I just don't like watching things that make me sad, I like watching things that make me happy and laugh. So Les Mes was a show I have been wanting to see all my life and never had the courage to see because I thought it would make me too sad....
So I went to the play. I was absolutely shocked. EVERYONE DIES!!! (Except one person.) And I left that show feeling Happy and Inspired. How messed up is that???
I found myself relating to the main character so much. He made so many tiny mistakes in his life and was such an amazing person. But, he was such a tortured soul. I find I make so many tiny mistakes and am so hard on myself. So much harder on myself than could ever be necessary. I expect perfection when understanding is all that is needed.
The music was amazing and of course I cried. I cried so hard when Colette's mother sang, "I dreamed a dream" It was so indescribable the feeling's I felt when she sang, "I dreamed a dream of a life of so much more than this hell I'm living." She sang it like she truly meant it. I think we all have felt that at one time or another. Felt that our lives would have turned out a whole lot more different than it did. (Not that we all think we all live in Hell by any means.) But I'm sure we may have felt, in some way or another, that at one point or another in our lives, a situation we may be in.......is pure hell. I know I have:) Life gives us twists and turns we never expect. I think that's what makes us appreciate it more as we get older. Life truly is a gift. It runs on the love we put into it and the life we bring to it.
This play just made me cry. I loved every second of it. People fought for what they believed in. It made me think....."What do I believe in so much that I would fight for and even die for?" Then I thought again, "Do I believe in something that much???" If I'm being completely honest, I don't know. I'm a chicken. I think that was a huge message to me.I want to believe in something that much again. I want that passion and that drive. Back then, people believed in things. They fought for things. This play has so many good messages. Loved it.
I was truly touched by this play that I just had to write about it!! It took me by surprise at every scene. I was most surprised to see how much the main character could not forgive himself for collete's mother's death. He was such a beautiful person but never saw it in himself. I think so many of us are like that. I think I am so hard on myself and so much more unforgiving of myself than I should be. Why? I don't know. But I am working on that.
I think you could watch this play or movie a million times and each time learn something new. A new lesson. There are so many messages in the music that is sung. Some take it and find it truly sad. I found this play truly inspiring. It made me think of, "survival of the human spirit". No matter how hard life got for the main character, he fought back and always got back on his feet. He served people, he loved people, he cared for people.
This play made me want to go an adopt a child and change their life for the better. (Not that I'm actually going to do that.) This play showed that one single person can make such a huge difference in the world and in people's lives. It made me feel empowered. One person can make such a huge difference in this world.
I know there are so many days when our daily duties as mother's feels so pointless. We might feel like we aren't benefiting the world in any way, shape, or form. But---we are changing lives. We serve, we love, we care. Mother's are true warrior's in this world. I love my mother. She changed my life. I am a better person because I have her in my life.
One of my favorite quotes is: "Mother's hold their childs' hand for awhile, but their hearts forever" We are simply awesome!
Loved this and wish I saw it sooner.....but then I wouldn't have appreciated it as much!!! Love to all!
So I went to the play. I was absolutely shocked. EVERYONE DIES!!! (Except one person.) And I left that show feeling Happy and Inspired. How messed up is that???
I found myself relating to the main character so much. He made so many tiny mistakes in his life and was such an amazing person. But, he was such a tortured soul. I find I make so many tiny mistakes and am so hard on myself. So much harder on myself than could ever be necessary. I expect perfection when understanding is all that is needed.
The music was amazing and of course I cried. I cried so hard when Colette's mother sang, "I dreamed a dream" It was so indescribable the feeling's I felt when she sang, "I dreamed a dream of a life of so much more than this hell I'm living." She sang it like she truly meant it. I think we all have felt that at one time or another. Felt that our lives would have turned out a whole lot more different than it did. (Not that we all think we all live in Hell by any means.) But I'm sure we may have felt, in some way or another, that at one point or another in our lives, a situation we may be in.......is pure hell. I know I have:) Life gives us twists and turns we never expect. I think that's what makes us appreciate it more as we get older. Life truly is a gift. It runs on the love we put into it and the life we bring to it.
This play just made me cry. I loved every second of it. People fought for what they believed in. It made me think....."What do I believe in so much that I would fight for and even die for?" Then I thought again, "Do I believe in something that much???" If I'm being completely honest, I don't know. I'm a chicken. I think that was a huge message to me.I want to believe in something that much again. I want that passion and that drive. Back then, people believed in things. They fought for things. This play has so many good messages. Loved it.
I was truly touched by this play that I just had to write about it!! It took me by surprise at every scene. I was most surprised to see how much the main character could not forgive himself for collete's mother's death. He was such a beautiful person but never saw it in himself. I think so many of us are like that. I think I am so hard on myself and so much more unforgiving of myself than I should be. Why? I don't know. But I am working on that.
I think you could watch this play or movie a million times and each time learn something new. A new lesson. There are so many messages in the music that is sung. Some take it and find it truly sad. I found this play truly inspiring. It made me think of, "survival of the human spirit". No matter how hard life got for the main character, he fought back and always got back on his feet. He served people, he loved people, he cared for people.
This play made me want to go an adopt a child and change their life for the better. (Not that I'm actually going to do that.) This play showed that one single person can make such a huge difference in the world and in people's lives. It made me feel empowered. One person can make such a huge difference in this world.
I know there are so many days when our daily duties as mother's feels so pointless. We might feel like we aren't benefiting the world in any way, shape, or form. But---we are changing lives. We serve, we love, we care. Mother's are true warrior's in this world. I love my mother. She changed my life. I am a better person because I have her in my life.
One of my favorite quotes is: "Mother's hold their childs' hand for awhile, but their hearts forever" We are simply awesome!
Loved this and wish I saw it sooner.....but then I wouldn't have appreciated it as much!!! Love to all!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Murphy's Law
But Yes. Sadly......I did leave that beautiful bliss.
Just a side note: Trevor and Kenalee Hanson, (One of my favorite cousins and his wife, also one of my favorite people in the world.), came over last night. They are going to Hawaii today. (SO JEALOUS) They are going to KONA, the big island. Call me crazy, but I never heard of KONA. But they are going. They stopped by to get life jacket for their kids. I just wanted them to know I love them and wish them luck on their trip. AND----publically tell them they suck for not taking me with them.......:)
ANYWAYS---Have anyone of you heard of Murphy's Law???? I think it's the one that says"If anything can go wrong, will go wrong." So just plan on going with flow.
Well that is how the start of our vacation went....
Right before Hawaii My sister in-law, whom I love like a true sister, dropped her kids off for a few hours for me to watch while she ran some errands, then I did the same, then she took her daughter to the doctor for an appt. at the end of the day. So all day our kids have been together......she came back and her daughter was diagnosed with strep-throat. AH! Hawaii was 3 days away!
Becks was sick 2 days later. I went to the Doctor got every prescription I could think of. "OK Beckham is going to be fine. He'll be a little sick for Hawaii but not too bad."
That night chase's ear drum ruptured. Puss everywhere. He was in so much pain. Chase has a long history of rupturing eardrums.
He went to school the next day for half the day because of testing. The flight left that afternoon. His other ear started to hurt. "Oh no! A rupturing ear drum while flying on a plane.......That is a remedy for disaster." The entire flight would be a screaming mess. I call the doctor.....more prescriptions.....Looks like we are a go.
I'm feeling a little run down but that is probably because everyone is sick. So I continue on with the flight and the kids. WAIT!!! I HATE FLYING!!! PANIC ATTACK ON THE PLANE!!! Kirt takes over, now there are 5 kids on the plane. He has crayons and a coloring book for me. My pillow and teddy bear are there to comfort me. No Joke, my inner child comes out when I am on these flights. Kirt is the ONLY adult to care for the children for the 8 hour flight. I am just one of the kids. I am no help. He knows that.
OK......we land and are safe. I snap back into my parent body and get going. We get to our hotel and relax. The next day I literally can't breathe if I am not sitting up.
I have Pneumonia. PNUEMONIA!!!! IN HAWAII!!!!! In the middle of the summer!!! The entire week I have an inhaler so I can breathe. Can you believe it????!!!! How does that Happen????? I can't breath in the summer time and in the winter I am just fine??? So crazy. But too funny.
I had to laugh. But we still had a blast. I just could not believe how sicK our family was on this trip......we all had coughs.....In Hawaii!
Beckham had the flu, chase had rupturing eardrums, I had pneumonia, and lexi and landon, both had coughs. Kirt was the only one who didn't have anything. It was unreal. It was like we brought a plague to the Island. We walked in to a restaurant and we were a chorus of coughs. Everyone looked at us like we were one big ball of germs. And we totally were. Too Funny!!!
Monday, May 13, 2013
Cross roads
As the path winds on, so darkens the day. Into the sunset I walk.This time the path is full of color and the sun setting light. Life is bright and full of wonderful paths of adventure and opportunity. Each path a positive one. Each path will lead you to a great life. Each path is your own choice. The world is at your finger tips....
A path is chosen. The journey is now taken. This path winds, turns, dips, disappears, reappears, jumps, hops, trips, sticks, tricks, winds, climbs, and teaches you patience in life. But then it can stop you.....
Like a fork in the road. The sun is now blistering hot. Two choices. Two roads. Finding the right path is always my biggest challenge. Think. Pray. Wait. Patience. I will get there.
Have you ever been at a cross road in your life and didn't know which way to turn??? Well that is where I am at in my life right now, a cross roads. We are trying to find our forever house. Not a starter home, not a rental, not a house we will grow out of. A forever house. I must say, It creates a lot of pressure. You want to have a perfect neighborhood, perfect schools, you know, everything for your kids. We don't want to move ever again. So this summer is it. Our final move. I am so nervous. We have to make our final decision. Any thoughts on what to look for??? Any good neighborhoods??? We have no idea what other neighborhoods are like outside of Orem. We are looking all over from SLC down to Orem. Let me know if you have any ideas!!!
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Reflections in Hawaii
We are finally here. We are in Hawaii. We made it. It is a journey all should take. This beauty these islands have to offer are indescribable. I wish I could live here. The lush green vegetation is everywhere and flowers bloom at random. I am astounded at how at peace I am here.
We stayed at the Marriott Beach Club Resort and Spa KO Olina on Oahu. It was the most beautiful resort I have ever seen. Palm trees everywhere, running trails, pools upon pools, hot tubs, bars, restaurants, live music, shops, activities for kids and adults, private beach with lawn chairs, a reef to scuba dive by, I mean....you name it, they pretty much had it.
We went with all of our kids. Crazy huh? But I needed them for this trip. I needed my entire family for this trip. I couldn't bring myself to visit Kuai,. The island where Jesse went missing. See, I don't want my entire life to be a sad memory. Especially Hawaii. So I decided to visit Oahu first and then some day down the road visit Kuai. I wanted Hawaii to be a positive experience, not a sad one. And after everything that happened on this trip......I know I made the best decision of my life. I LOVE HAWAII!!! I totally understand why Jesse loved it here.
Now, I have a family blog and I have kind of a "Dance in the Rain" blog. In this blog I talk mainly about my thoughts on things. Or challeges I may be facing or see others facing and the example they are to me. Or whatever I want it to be.....So yea. But my family blog will have more of the activities and stuff we did and fun times we shared. This page is pretty much what I learned while I was there. I was surprised at how much I learned about Jesse, Myself, and Kirt.
As I sit here and write this as the sun sets across the most heavenly sky, I am reminded of all the simple things life has to offer me and how often I forget them. I simple "hello or Aloha" from a stranger has been the highlight of our days. This island seems to run as a different speed, and I like it. The overall feeling I have gotten from being in Oahu is "Work Hard and Love Life". I find that lesson so easy to say and yet so hard to teach.
I see why Jesse loved it here. It is absolutely beautiful and the people are amazing. If I had to choose, I would live on one of these islands myself. The mood is so much different here. Hardworking but Joyful. I just love it. If I were Jesse I would never want to leave. It is paradise where he was. I know he was truly happy there.
I went to the Hawaii Temple and found great peace there with my brother. Nothing but love was filled in my heart for him. All the beauty of the island reminded me of his sweet presence and love. He was such a beautiful person what better place to go to remember him than the Hawaii Temple? He is safe. I know he is happy.
After this trip, I can say, I feel healed.
I feel happy.
I see color.
I see the beauty this world has to offer and it is amazing. I can now inhale those colors and absorb them into my very center and let them burst inside of me. I can finally feel again! I am not longer a robot. I am no longer a zombie. I am colorful!
I can take on the blues and the browns, the whites, and pinks, purples and greens, violets, reds.......ANYTHING! I AM ME AGAIN!!!! I found me. He found me. We found me. Together we can do anything.
Facing my fear to come to Hawaii was really a scary thing for me. Kirt was my strong hold. He has been there though thick and thin. He became my best friend all over again on this trip. He is my everything and I owe him so much. Thank you Kirt for all you do for me.
If there is anything I hope anyone gets out of this post is that, I was set free and given a new perspective on life by facing one of my biggest fears. I cannot believe how amazing It feels and how much weight has been lifted off my chest by just knowing that is not one of my demons anymore. I am no longer afraid.
I love life. I love Hawaii!!! I am so happy to be living in this beautiful world today. Challenges do get better if you face them head on. Challenges get even easier when you ask god for help.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Content without WHEN
Falling victim to the word WHEN:
I am a child up in my favorite tree. Playing my game of hide and seek. Mom calls me in because it is dinner time. I am so disappointed. " Awe! Just 5 more minutes? When is she ever going to let me finish my games?" I think to myself. "I can't wait till when I am a grown up. Then no one can tell me what to do!"
I am 15 years old and need a ride to my friends house. "Mom, can I get a ride?" I wait for a response. "Um, yeah sure honey, but not for at least 45 minutes. "45 more minutes! I could just drive the car! I'm practically 16 anyways! Oh MAN! This sucks!" I sit and wait for 45 minutes until my mom is ready. she comes for me and smiles. I look at her and say, "When I'm 16, things will get better. I just know it!"
I am a brand new baby mother. Oh look at my precious baby! Isn't she adorable!!! ----Wait! Everyone just left! I'm all alone with the baby! Oh No!!! What do I do? I don't know how to be a mom!! I wanted to say, "Come back! You guys should have her. You were so much better with her!" Instead, I quieted down and talked to no one. I simply thought to myself, ok this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. But I love her so incredibly so. I made a note in my head, "When Alexis is 2 and can do things a little more on her own I will be a happy. Things will get easier then....."
I have two more children very close together. Chase and Landon. They are 18 months apart. They were both 2 of my best surprises!!! They are fireballs of energy! I seriously want a tranquilizer gun at times for them. But I hear that is illegal. Oh well. j/k They are crazy. I keep telling myself. I will be happy when they get a little older and they slow down a little bit. I could use just a little down time...
Beckham is still hiding poop in the laundry vents.......I will be happy when he is potty trained.
Kirt and I are trying to buy a home. A beautiful home. We are renting right now and we absolutely hate it. We want to have a place to call our own. We have been trying to close on this home for over 7 months. It has been an absolute nightmare!!! Kirt and I believe we will be happy when we close on this house...
But wait.....then there's that credit card we forgot to pay off......ok we will finally be happy when that is paid off!
But what about all the project you need to get done to fix your new house? OK fine.....after that we will be happy.
But what about........
ALRIGHT!!!! I get it. It's never gonna be good enough. I'm always going to say, "I'll be happy when...." I have my entire life. I'm always looking ahead in life. Planning for the future. Trying to make my life a better one. All good things. But as I look ahead I miss what is standing right in front of me. What is presently here with me in this exact moment.
As I am saying this I look down I see 4 pairs of the most beautiful blue eyes gazing up at me. Smiling.
"Where did you come from?" It is my 2 boys, chase and landon, and cute little lexi. They had been staring for quiet some time. Too cute.
My friends and I all went out to dinner a few nights ago and she said something that really hit hard for me. She said, As a parent I went through so many stages of acceptance. I was so giddy and excited at first, and then I felt I was really bad at it, and I was mad and sad that I was bad at it. Then I learned to accept that I really was a mom and this is how it was going be. So she is trying to learn to be great at it.
I loved her honestly. "Well, this is my situation. I can either make the best or the worst out of it." She chose to make the best out of a situation she felt very unsure of. She is an amazing mother by the way.
The same goes for the word WHEN. I have used the phrase, "I'll be happy when..." or "Things will get better when....." And you find yourself waiting and waiting because the when always changes. Something else always comes up. It's a TRAP!
How about I am happy? When I wake up in the morning and my husband is able to go to work, I'm grateful. I am happy when my boys are home with their high energy! I only get them like this for so long. they make life fun.
I am happy lexi grew into her 8 year old body! She is such a joy and I love the moments we share.
What I am saying is CONTENT. Being content with ourselves and our lives. There will always be a need to have something done. There will always be project. There will never be another now. Take the now and live in it. Be present in your own life.
Being content with my life right now has been a true struggle for me. But seriously? What do I have to complain about? We have a roof over our heads and food to eat. The words WHEN should not exist in my vocabulary.
I heard the word content and me are rivals and it is my goal this week to make her my best friend. I will never let WHEN win again. I will never wait for WHEN, I will never live in the future but run in the present.
Because it is never, when we will be happy, it is yes, we are happy!
I am a child up in my favorite tree. Playing my game of hide and seek. Mom calls me in because it is dinner time. I am so disappointed. " Awe! Just 5 more minutes? When is she ever going to let me finish my games?" I think to myself. "I can't wait till when I am a grown up. Then no one can tell me what to do!"
I am 15 years old and need a ride to my friends house. "Mom, can I get a ride?" I wait for a response. "Um, yeah sure honey, but not for at least 45 minutes. "45 more minutes! I could just drive the car! I'm practically 16 anyways! Oh MAN! This sucks!" I sit and wait for 45 minutes until my mom is ready. she comes for me and smiles. I look at her and say, "When I'm 16, things will get better. I just know it!"
I am a brand new baby mother. Oh look at my precious baby! Isn't she adorable!!! ----Wait! Everyone just left! I'm all alone with the baby! Oh No!!! What do I do? I don't know how to be a mom!! I wanted to say, "Come back! You guys should have her. You were so much better with her!" Instead, I quieted down and talked to no one. I simply thought to myself, ok this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. But I love her so incredibly so. I made a note in my head, "When Alexis is 2 and can do things a little more on her own I will be a happy. Things will get easier then....."
I have two more children very close together. Chase and Landon. They are 18 months apart. They were both 2 of my best surprises!!! They are fireballs of energy! I seriously want a tranquilizer gun at times for them. But I hear that is illegal. Oh well. j/k They are crazy. I keep telling myself. I will be happy when they get a little older and they slow down a little bit. I could use just a little down time...
Beckham is still hiding poop in the laundry vents.......I will be happy when he is potty trained.
Kirt and I are trying to buy a home. A beautiful home. We are renting right now and we absolutely hate it. We want to have a place to call our own. We have been trying to close on this home for over 7 months. It has been an absolute nightmare!!! Kirt and I believe we will be happy when we close on this house...
But wait.....then there's that credit card we forgot to pay off......ok we will finally be happy when that is paid off!
But what about all the project you need to get done to fix your new house? OK fine.....after that we will be happy.
But what about........
ALRIGHT!!!! I get it. It's never gonna be good enough. I'm always going to say, "I'll be happy when...." I have my entire life. I'm always looking ahead in life. Planning for the future. Trying to make my life a better one. All good things. But as I look ahead I miss what is standing right in front of me. What is presently here with me in this exact moment.
As I am saying this I look down I see 4 pairs of the most beautiful blue eyes gazing up at me. Smiling.
"Where did you come from?" It is my 2 boys, chase and landon, and cute little lexi. They had been staring for quiet some time. Too cute.
My friends and I all went out to dinner a few nights ago and she said something that really hit hard for me. She said, As a parent I went through so many stages of acceptance. I was so giddy and excited at first, and then I felt I was really bad at it, and I was mad and sad that I was bad at it. Then I learned to accept that I really was a mom and this is how it was going be. So she is trying to learn to be great at it.
I loved her honestly. "Well, this is my situation. I can either make the best or the worst out of it." She chose to make the best out of a situation she felt very unsure of. She is an amazing mother by the way.
The same goes for the word WHEN. I have used the phrase, "I'll be happy when..." or "Things will get better when....." And you find yourself waiting and waiting because the when always changes. Something else always comes up. It's a TRAP!
How about I am happy? When I wake up in the morning and my husband is able to go to work, I'm grateful. I am happy when my boys are home with their high energy! I only get them like this for so long. they make life fun.
I am happy lexi grew into her 8 year old body! She is such a joy and I love the moments we share.
What I am saying is CONTENT. Being content with ourselves and our lives. There will always be a need to have something done. There will always be project. There will never be another now. Take the now and live in it. Be present in your own life.
Being content with my life right now has been a true struggle for me. But seriously? What do I have to complain about? We have a roof over our heads and food to eat. The words WHEN should not exist in my vocabulary.
I heard the word content and me are rivals and it is my goal this week to make her my best friend. I will never let WHEN win again. I will never wait for WHEN, I will never live in the future but run in the present.
Because it is never, when we will be happy, it is yes, we are happy!
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