Murphy's Law

Ha-wee-wee!!! Yes Ladies and Gentlemen I made it to paradise, Hawaii. I am complete!!! It is absolutely stunning here and I think this island was where I was meant to live. I think I will never leave....yes. That's what I'll do. Yes this is what this island does to you. it sucks you in and makes you never want to leave it.

But Yes. Sadly......I did leave that beautiful bliss.

Just a side note: Trevor and Kenalee Hanson, (One of my favorite cousins and his wife, also one of my favorite people in the world.), came over last night. They are going to Hawaii today. (SO JEALOUS) They are going to KONA, the big island. Call me crazy, but I never heard of KONA. But they are going. They stopped by to get life jacket for their kids. I just wanted them to know I love them and wish them luck on their trip. AND----publically tell them they suck for not taking me with them.......:)

ANYWAYS---Have anyone of you heard of Murphy's Law???? I think it's the one that says"If anything can go wrong, will go wrong." So just plan on going with flow.

Well that is how the start of our vacation went....

Right before Hawaii My sister in-law, whom I love like a true sister, dropped her kids off for a few hours for me to watch while she ran some errands, then I did the same, then she took her daughter to the doctor for an appt. at the end of the day. So all day our kids have been together......she came back and her daughter was diagnosed with strep-throat. AH! Hawaii was 3 days away!

Becks was sick 2 days later. I went to the Doctor got every prescription I could think of. "OK Beckham is going to be fine. He'll be a little sick for Hawaii but not too bad." 

That night chase's ear drum ruptured. Puss everywhere. He was in so much pain. Chase has a long history of rupturing eardrums.

He went to school the next day for half the day because of testing. The flight left that afternoon. His other ear started to hurt. "Oh no! A rupturing ear drum while flying on a plane.......That is a remedy for disaster." The entire flight would be a screaming mess. I call the doctor.....more prescriptions.....Looks like we are a go.

I'm feeling a little run down but that is probably because everyone is sick. So I continue on with the flight and the kids. WAIT!!! I HATE FLYING!!! PANIC ATTACK ON THE PLANE!!! Kirt takes over, now there are 5 kids on the plane. He has crayons and a coloring book for me. My pillow and teddy bear are there to comfort me. No Joke, my inner child comes out when I am on these flights. Kirt is the ONLY adult to care  for the children for the 8 hour flight. I am just one of the kids. I am no help. He knows that.

OK......we land and are safe. I snap back into my parent body and get going. We get to our hotel and relax. The next day I literally can't breathe if I am not sitting up.

I  have Pneumonia. PNUEMONIA!!!! IN HAWAII!!!!! In the middle of the summer!!! The entire week I have an inhaler so I can breathe. Can you believe it????!!!! How does that Happen????? I can't breath in the summer time and in the winter I am just fine??? So crazy. But too funny.

I had to laugh. But we still had a blast. I just could not believe how sicK our family was on this trip......we all had coughs.....In Hawaii!

 Beckham had the flu, chase had rupturing eardrums, I had pneumonia, and lexi and landon, both had coughs. Kirt was the only one who didn't have anything. It was unreal. It was like we brought a plague to the Island. We walked in to a restaurant and we were a chorus of coughs. Everyone looked at us like we were one big ball of germs. And we totally were. Too Funny!!!

Cross roads

I am taking a walk on a beautiful summers day. The path on the road we are following is clear. It has very small rocks here and there to stumble across if you are not careful. I am happy the sun is shining so brightly. The rocks never seem to get in the way.

As the path winds on, so darkens the day. Into the sunset I walk.This time the path is full of color and the sun setting light. Life is bright and full of wonderful paths of adventure and opportunity. Each path a positive one. Each path will lead you to a great life. Each path is your own choice. The world is at your finger tips....

A path is chosen. The journey is now taken. This path winds, turns, dips, disappears, reappears, jumps, hops, trips, sticks, tricks, winds, climbs, and teaches you patience in life. But then it can stop you.....

Like a fork in the road. The sun is now blistering hot. Two choices. Two roads. Finding the right path is always my biggest challenge. Think. Pray. Wait. Patience. I will get there.


Have you ever been at a cross road in your life and didn't know which way to turn??? Well that is where I am at in my life right now, a cross roads. We are trying to find our forever house. Not a starter home, not a rental, not a house we will grow out of. A forever house. I must say, It creates a lot of pressure. You want to have a perfect neighborhood, perfect schools, you know, everything for your kids. We don't want to move ever again. So this summer is it. Our final move. I am so nervous. We have to make our final decision. Any thoughts on what to look for??? Any good neighborhoods???  We have no idea what other neighborhoods are like outside of Orem. We are looking all over from SLC down to Orem. Let me know if you have any ideas!!!

Reflections in Hawaii

As I sit here while the sun touches my face. The soft breeze brushes across my legs and the soft warm air comforts my body. I look across this private beach we have been staying at and think, "WOW, This is truly paradise." 

We are finally here. We are in Hawaii. We made it. It is a journey all should take. This beauty these islands have to offer are indescribable. I wish I could live here. The lush green vegetation is everywhere and flowers bloom at random. I am astounded at how at peace I am here.


We stayed at the Marriott Beach Club Resort and Spa KO Olina on Oahu. It was the most beautiful resort I have ever seen. Palm trees everywhere, running trails, pools upon pools, hot tubs, bars, restaurants, live music, shops, activities for kids and adults, private beach with lawn chairs, a reef to scuba dive by, I mean....you name it, they pretty much had it.


We went with all of our kids. Crazy huh? But I needed them for this trip. I needed my entire family for this trip. I couldn't bring myself to visit Kuai,. The island where Jesse went missing. See, I don't want my entire life to be a sad memory. Especially Hawaii. So I decided to visit Oahu first and then some day down the road visit Kuai. I wanted Hawaii to be a positive experience, not a sad one. And after everything that happened on this trip......I know I made the best decision of my life. I LOVE HAWAII!!! I totally understand why Jesse loved it here.

Now, I have a family blog and I have kind of a "Dance in the Rain" blog. In this blog I talk mainly about my thoughts on things. Or challeges I may be facing or see others facing and the example they are to me. Or whatever I want it to be.....So yea. But my family blog will have more of the activities and stuff we did and fun times we shared. This page is pretty much what I learned while I was there. I was surprised at how much I learned about Jesse, Myself, and Kirt.

As I sit here and write this as the sun sets across the most heavenly sky, I am reminded of all the simple things life has to offer me and how often I forget them. I simple "hello or Aloha" from a stranger has been the highlight of our days. This island seems to run as a different speed, and I like it. The overall feeling I have gotten from being in Oahu is "Work Hard and Love Life". I find that lesson so easy to say and yet so hard to teach.

I see why Jesse loved it here. It is absolutely beautiful and the people are amazing. If I had to choose, I would live on one of these islands myself. The mood is so much different here. Hardworking but Joyful. I just love it. If I were Jesse I would never want to leave. It is paradise where he was. I know he was truly happy there.

I went to the Hawaii Temple and found great peace there with my brother. Nothing but love was filled in my heart for him. All the beauty of the island reminded me of his sweet presence and love. He was such a beautiful person what better place to go to remember him than the Hawaii Temple? He is safe. I know he is happy.

After this trip, I can say, I feel healed.

I feel happy.

I see color.

I see the beauty this world has to offer and it is amazing. I can now inhale those colors and absorb them into my very center and let them burst inside of me. I can finally feel again! I am not longer a robot. I am no longer a zombie. I am colorful!

I can take on the blues and the browns, the whites, and pinks, purples and greens, violets, reds.......ANYTHING!    I AM ME AGAIN!!!! I found me. He found me. We found me. Together we can do anything.

Facing my fear to come to Hawaii was really a scary thing for me. Kirt was my strong hold. He has been there though thick and thin. He became my best friend all over again on this trip. He is my everything and I owe him so much. Thank you Kirt for all you do for me.

If there is anything I hope anyone gets out of this post is that, I was set free and given a new perspective on life by facing one of my biggest fears. I cannot believe how amazing It feels and how much weight has been lifted off my chest by just knowing that is not one of my demons anymore. I am no longer afraid.

I love life. I love Hawaii!!! I am so happy to be living in this beautiful world today. Challenges do get better if you face them head on. Challenges get even easier when you ask god for help.

Content without WHEN

Falling victim to the word WHEN:

I am a child up in my favorite tree. Playing my game of hide and seek. Mom calls me in because it is dinner time. I am so disappointed. " Awe! Just 5 more minutes? When is she ever going to let me finish my games?" I think to myself. "I can't wait till when I am a grown up. Then no one can tell me what to do!" 

I am 15 years old and need a ride to my friends house. "Mom, can I get a ride?" I wait for a response. "Um, yeah sure honey, but not for at least 45 minutes. "45 more minutes! I could just drive the car! I'm practically 16 anyways! Oh MAN! This sucks!" I sit and wait for 45 minutes until my mom is ready. she comes for me and smiles. I look at her and say, "When I'm 16, things will get better. I just know it!"

I am a brand new baby mother. Oh look at my precious baby! Isn't she adorable!!! ----Wait! Everyone just left! I'm all alone with the baby! Oh No!!! What do I do? I don't know how to be a mom!! I wanted to say, "Come back! You guys should have her. You were so much better with her!" Instead, I quieted down and talked to no one. I simply thought to myself, ok this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. But I love her so incredibly so. I made a note in my head, "When Alexis is 2 and can do things a little more on her own I will be a happy. Things will get easier then....."

I have two more children very close together. Chase and Landon. They are 18 months apart. They were both 2 of my best surprises!!! They are fireballs of energy! I seriously want a tranquilizer gun at times for them. But I hear that is illegal. Oh well. j/k They are crazy. I keep telling myself. I will be happy when they get a little older and they slow down a little bit. I could use just a little down time...

Beckham is still hiding poop in the laundry vents.......I will be happy when he is potty trained.

Kirt and I are trying to buy a home. A beautiful home. We are renting right now and we absolutely hate it. We want to have a place to call our own. We have been trying to close on this home for over 7 months. It has been an absolute nightmare!!!  Kirt and I believe we will be happy when we close on this house...

But wait.....then there's that credit card we forgot to pay off......ok we will finally be happy when that is paid off!

But what about all the project you need to get done to fix your new house? OK fine.....after that we will be happy.

But what about........

ALRIGHT!!!! I get it. It's never gonna be good enough. I'm always going to say, "I'll be happy when...." I have my entire life. I'm always looking ahead in life. Planning for the future. Trying to make my life a better one. All good things. But as I look ahead I miss what is standing right in front of me. What is presently here with me in this exact moment.

As I am saying this I look down I see 4 pairs of the most beautiful blue eyes gazing up at me. Smiling.

"Where did you come from?" It is my 2 boys, chase and landon, and cute little lexi. They had been staring for quiet some time. Too cute.

My friends and I all went out to dinner a few nights ago and she said something that really hit hard for me. She said, As a parent I went through so many stages of acceptance. I was so giddy and excited at first, and then I felt I was really bad at it, and I was mad and sad that I was bad at it. Then I learned to accept that I really was a mom and this is how it was going be. So she is trying to learn to be great at it.

I loved her honestly. "Well, this is my situation. I can either make the best or the worst out of it." She chose to make the best out of a situation she felt very unsure of. She is an amazing mother by the way.

The same goes for the word WHEN. I have used the phrase, "I'll be happy when..." or "Things will get better when....." And you find yourself waiting and waiting because the when always changes. Something else always comes up. It's a TRAP!

How about I am happy? When I wake up in the morning and my husband is able to go to work, I'm grateful. I am happy when my boys are home with their high energy! I only get them like this for so long. they make life fun.

I am happy lexi grew into her 8 year old body! She is such a joy and I love the moments we share.

What I am saying is CONTENT. Being content with ourselves and our lives. There will always be a need to have something done. There will always be project. There will never be another now.  Take the now and live in it. Be present in your own life.

Being content with my life right now has been a true struggle for me. But seriously? What do I have to complain about? We have a roof over our heads and food to eat. The words WHEN should not exist in my vocabulary.

I heard the word content and me are rivals and it is my goal this week to make her my best friend. I will never let WHEN win again. I will never wait for WHEN, I will never live in the future but run in the present. 

Because it is never, when we will be happy, it is yes, we are happy!

Foods that make you go BOOM!

Top Ten Good Mood Foods
• mung beans
• lobster
• turkey
• asparagus
• sunflower seeds
• cottage cheese
• pineapple
• tofu
• spinach
• bananas
Other Mood Foods
• chicken
• salmon
• sardines
• tuna
• nuts
• oats

This is a list of foods high in tryptophan. I saw this "good mood food" thing on the web the other day when trying to research what to eat to help keep me healthy. I thought, "Why not boost my mood and diet at the same time?! I could call it, HAPPY DIETING!" Ok maybe that doesn't exist. But here's what I found out.

The body cannot produce tryptophan, an amino acid which is converted by the body into serotonin, so unless we get enough through our diets, we may suffer a deficiency, leading to low serotonin levels.
Low serotonin levels are associated with mood disorders, anxiety, cravings and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). FUN!!! (I do have some medical background so what I researched is in fact true. I'm not saying I'm super smart by any means...I'm just saying it makes sense.)

Did you hear that ladies??? It can lead to CRAVINGS!!! So I researched this even more and it turns out if you have this triptophan thing balanced, your cravings can all but disappear..."WHAT?!! NO WAY! You mean I could beat my cravings for chocolate once and for all???"
 
OK. So I tried these foods for a week. Alright, I confess, not all of them. Who eats sardines??? GROSS! But I tried these foods to see how  my mood and cravings felt after a week. I felt awesome! I was so excited about my little experiment I just had to share. How awesome is this! I try all sorts of things. I'm like a walking experiment. But this was just fun! LOVE IT!

I noticed a huge difference just after the first 24 hours. It was absolutely crazy! Plus, I lost weight. It's a win, win:)

The first day I had oatmeal for breakfast. I didn't cheat myself out of the good stuff. I had a little butter and sugar. I called this my mood diet. So cheating was always an option. I think that is why it worked so well. I told myself I had to eat every 2-3 hours so for a snack I had some canned pineapple. At lunch a spinach salad with grilled chicken and sunflower seeds with ranch dressing. Then a banana at snack time and for dinner I grilled up a Salmon with asparagus on the side.

OK. So I used to not be a fish person at all until I met my husband. I'm telling you, if you want to improve your mood.....EAT FISH!!!! I'm no doctor but it works. The salmon made all the difference. I always feel better when I eat fish. I don't know why, but it works. I drank a ton of water and for the first time....I can resist chocolate. I am not kidding you. In just a week. (Really, I was feeling great after the first 24 hours.) My mood is better and my skin is clearer. I love this "good mood" thing. It works. Try it!

I promise you will be surprised how much better you feel. Remember, the key is eating that fish!!!

Storm in my Head...

I feel there is a storm in my head. It is constantly spinning. Some days it feels out of control. I feel some days it is foggy and never fully remains clear. Others it is bright and full of sunshine. It is a tired head.

This storm in my head is something I have fought most of my adult life. I have good days and I have bad days. I wish I understood how the weather worked. It is so unpredictable.

The soft breeze touches my face as the wind whistles past my my ears. I am free in this space of mine.

Etched in the sand is the marks of my footprints. I am alone as the mist sprays softly across my face. The storm in my head raves on, as I sit and ponder the wonders this world. My head is still spinning. 

Here is never there. There is never here. Too many places at too many times. Stop. STOP. STOP!

Breathe.

Here. In this place. Alone. Me. I.

I am one.

Peace. Calm. Be.

I am me.

Who was Jesse...

First and foremost Jesse Glen Pinegar was my little brother. Although Jesse was 22 when he went missing, that is not even a sliver of the person Jesse was....

Jesse was a truly amazing person. I did a post that was about memories we as a family had of Jesse, but, I never got to gush to you about how fabulous he was...

Jesse was and is one of the most beautiful people that I have ever met. Truly. Inside and out. If you were lucky, you got to be apart of his short time on this earth. I had the greatest and most freaking awesome blessing of being his sister. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel towards God for sending him to our family. He is a piece to our family that completes a great circle of happiness.

Jesse was hilarious. His sarcasm and wit could out smart even the most educated of people. Always the one with the last word, his quick jokes always caught you off guard but kept you laughing for hours. What was truly unique about his humor was the love that always came behind them. His lips would say one thing but his eyes would always give away his true love for you. Jesse cared for everyone he met.

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Jesse was gorgeous. He had brown hair and these chocolate brown puppy eyes that melted every girls heart. When he smiled, his eyes lit up. When he looked at you, he really looked at you. He really loved you. If you were talking with Jesse, you felt like you were the only one that mattered in his entire life. His eyes seemed to look into the deepest part of you and touch you in a way that very few can. His eyes said everything about him. They twinkled when he was kidding and deepened when he cared. I miss his eyes so much. Jesse's eyes are most everyone's favorite feature.

His heart never stopped loving. His faith in people never stopped trusting. The love he carried in his heart radiated all around him. When he entered a room, excitement would always sweep over. "Jesse is here!"
He was irresistible. You had to be near him. When in his company, all your cares cease to exist. With him, you are free. He is a breath of the freshest air. Talking with him is relaxing yet tummy achingly fun and funny. He would talk to you for hours about nothing and you would find yourself lying on the floor laughing your guts out because he has said some of the most random and outrageous things you have ever heard in your entire life. Jesse was too funny! He was everyone's favorite. How could he not be?! 

He may seem tough but he cares so incredibly deeply for his family. He had a sensitive side to him that was so loving and kind. Jenna, Megan, and I were the luckiest sisters in the world to have had a brother like him. He worried about who we were dating. He was always there to give us advice.

I remember when Jesse was in Hawaii and he called me. I was having a really hard day. I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with Landon at the time and I had not felt him move for about 2 days. I was really scared and was crying to Jesse about how worried I was about the baby. I knew Jesse was not involved in church anymore. I also knew he struggled with his belief in God. So his next comment touched my heart. "Niki, let me call you back. I'm going to pray to God for you and the baby. I don't know what good it will do but I want to help." I was lost for words. I began to cry even more. "You would do that for me?" I said. Jesse was quiet for a long time. "Of course Niki......You are my sister......I would do anything for you."

I waited for the phone call all night. I was so interested to hear what his experience might have been like. He had told me it had been over 3 years since he had last prayed. He expressed that it was very difficult for him to pray. It had been so difficult for him in fact, that three years ago was when he had promised himself he wouldn't ever pray again. He expressed how much he loved me and that for me and my kids he would do just about anything. But--It was getting late. I figured Jesse would just say a quick prayer and call me back. It had now been 3 hours since I had talked to him. I began to think maybe Jesse was not going to call me back.

 Finally the phone rang. It was Jesse...

Jesse's voice was very quiet but very confident. "Hi Niki. I just want you to know that your baby is going to be fine." I was silent. He wasn't finished talking. "Niki, you are going to be just fine. Everything is going to be OK."  I was so surprised at how confident he was. "Jesse. What happened?" Jesse slowly responded, "I don't know Niki. All I know is that you and the baby are going to be just fine. You are going to have this baby and nothing bad is going to happen." I cried. I believed him 100%. I never worried again.

We talked a little more. Jesse told me the reason it took him so long to call me back was because he had knelt down to pray and could not start the prayer. So he stayed kneeling for over an hour and a half until he was able to start his prayer. Even then, he said, the prayer took a long time. I think of my sweet brother and him kneeling down in humble prayer just for me and my unborn child. "Niki....you are my sister....I would do anything for you." 

Landon is the baby I was carrying while Jesse was in Hawaii. Landon is my only baby that did not have jaundice and have to go under the lights. He was my healthiest and happiest baby. Jesse was right.

That is who Jesse was. He would do anything for you. He would make himself uncomfortable to make you comfortable. He was selfless. He was good. He was Jesse. I mean WOW.

He was crazy! He could get Caleb and Adam to do the stupidest things!!! No matter how dumb something might sound on paper, Jesse could talk it up, tell it to Caleb and Adam, and get them to go along with it. It was crazy the things he could talk people in to. He was that magnetic of a person. You wanted to be around him. You wanted to be like him. You wanted to be him. Where Jesse was, you would follow. You knew you would always have a great time. It would always be exciting and life never got any better than when you were hangin' with the Jess master.

 The outdoors is where he is most comfortable. His survival skills are fantastic. He can go camping for weeks and love every second of it. That also meant he could go a little while with out showering......Jesse never minded a little dirt. It was not uncommon to see him and smell the yummy smell of camp fire on his sweatshirt. Jesse smelled just the way he was. WILD AND FREE.

One fantastic thing about Jesse is that he loves his mother. His love for her is soft and tender. Protective even. He cares for her so deeply. You can see it in those chocolate brown eyes when he looks at her. He is over a foot taller than her and I can see him giving mom a gigantic bear hug. He is gentle. He cares so much and thinks the world of her. He is a mama's boy through and through. Ham and cheese casserole is his favorite. (He gets excited like a little kid when she makes it.) He loves her cinnamon rolls too. To him, no one is a better cook than she. Jesse loves you mom. Jesse will always love you.


He is absolutely amazing but never realizing it. He is humble. I don't believe he ever knew how truly awesome he really was. That was his charm. So charismatic with a shimmer of shy. There is just no one like Jesse. He is one of a kind. Irreplaceable. I love that boy!

I miss my chocolate brown eyed brother. But I know he is in a happier, safer, and in a more loving place. I know he is where he is needed. I know he lives on in each of our hearts.

My son Beckham, who is 3, said just 2 weeks ago in his own 3 year old broken english, "Jesse in here." and he pointed to his heart. I believe that with all my heart. Jesse is inside all of us. Just like everyone is who lives in our lives and passes on. We are all so lucky to have that piece of them remain with us.

Just their memory is a beautiful thing. Because it can be passed on forever...