It has been a long time since I last posted. After Jesse's memorial I
couldn't see myself ever writing again. I had feared writing would stir
up feelings inside me I didn't want to feel anymore. BUT---late, late,
late last night I decided to check my blog and read some old posts.
To
my surprise, I had seven new messages waiting for me to read. Most of
them were from anonymous people. Each message was a compliment of some
kind. I was shocked. I didn't think anyone read this blog besides
family. Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. It gave me
courage when I thought I had none.
I've been honest in my thoughts and struggles I have had throughout these past 5 years without my little brother. For people to say some of my posts have helped them means more to me than anyone could ever know. If this blog has impacted ANYONE it has been worth the effort.
Over the past 3 months I have done a lot of thinking and healing. The memorial did more for me than I ever thought possible. It made me realize what I let my trials do to me. I was my trial.
Everyone is different and unique. Every experience we have in life influences us into the people we are today. Some people are soft spoken, some are loud, some are opinionated and judgmental. Our personalities and view on life is shaped by the trials we have faced. How we respond to each trial is what makes you strong or breaks you down.
My trials were in control of me. They made all of the decisions. They called all of the shots. I was broken. I knew I was broken. It was if I accepted that this was how it was and there is nothing I can do about it. I surrendered to my trials. They had won. I gave up.
Every time I thought I hit rock bottom the floor dropped another 5 feet. Rock bottom didn't seem to exist anymore. It was an endless hole I had fallen into. I had no hope of crawling out. I accepted my black hole.
Soon happiness seemed like a foreign word. I couldn't remember what the word even meant. This was my new normal. I felt a deep panic inside of me. My only thought was, "RUN!!!". I wanted to run away from everything. Run from the pain and confusion. Most of all, I wanted to run away from my responsibilities. "It was too much", I told myself. I wanted simple. I wanted to disappear.
Kirt, my husband, had no idea how to help me. He couldn't help me. I was the only person who could help me.
I had a choice to make. Take this trial and learn from it and use it as a stepping stone in my life. OR, let this trial define me and control every aspect of my life.
Some trials can seem like the highest mountain. They can seem like they will never end. There is no top, just a steeper and steeper climb.
I think back to when this trial began and then see what my life is now because of it. I had to make a decision. Give in or get up.
I decided to get up. I prayed to God. "I am not strong enough. I am too weak. I can't do this on my own. Help me give this trial to you. Help me believe again. Take this pain away from me.....please?"
It took a little while but slowly my pain lessened. The anger and resentment I had felt towards life had finally left me. My trial no longer defined me. I defined it.
Everyone has challenges in their life. Some people I have met and talked to them about a challenge or trial they are facing. I have caught myself saying, "I could never handle that trial." How are they able to move on with their life and be so happy??? Then, I think of my own trials and am grateful for the trials I am faced with. I am grateful my trials are mine and their trials are theirs.
Trials can make you strong and teach you understanding. I am so grateful for what I have learned from my brothers disappearance. Although I would prefer he never went missing, the priceless lessons I have learned and the friendships I have made because of this trial are irreplaceable.
I view the world differently. I have learned that each challenge in life could always be worse than it is at the moment. I have learned to always try to look at a situation at every angle possible. How can I learn from this? What could this teach me?
My brother's disappearance taught me to appreciate family a million times more. They are a precious gift in this life. You never know if the moments you spend with them will be your last. I have learned to treat them more kindly and really appreciate who they are and what they mean to me. Sometimes we treat those we love the most, the worst, and those we know the least, the best. I am trying my best to make those special in my life a priority and not take them for granted. I love you guys!
Most importantly, Jesse taught me to live life to the fullest and then even a little more. Life has its ups, downs, twists and turns, but it is always beautiful. Some days it might not feel like it will ever be beautiful again. Sometimes it can be dark and lonely. But, the sunlight will come. It may take awhile, but it does eventually come. You will have the courage and the strength to fight another day.
And please believe me when I say it is worth fighting for.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
I found my missing piece.....
After a long break, I am finally able to write again. In the past 4 weeks we have moved, gone to Lake Powell for a week, and planned and attended my brothers memorial......so writing just wasn't possible.
Inner peace. For five years I have had a deep hole in my heart. One that I thought would never mend. Inner peace was only a dream for me. But.....I am here to say, hearts can mend. There is life after tragedy, and the only way to mend that heart is by facing your challenge head on.
Thursday, July 11, 2013, was a life saving day. It was the day of my brother's memorial.
I had no idea how much I needed this.
I have finally received closure from an impossible situation.
Everyone in the family spoke. When it came to be my turn, I was sobbing. I thought I would never make it through my talk. But, amazingly, I was able to calm my crying and talk about my baby brother.
After I spoke a great peace came over me. I had faced my biggest fear. I felt so happy,
To celebrate jesse's life was what our family needed. Emotions were high, but in the end peace is all I felt.
I wanted jesse to know how much I loved him. How much I cared. I haven't been able to speak about him in public since he left.
A great weight has been lifted off me. I was finally able to do something for one of my best friends. That is what the missing piece was to my healing process. I found my missing piece!!!!
Isn't it strange, that the things that we feel most afraid of aren't really that scary once you finally face them.
I am so grateful to feel I have celebrated my brother's life. It was the last piece in finding a way to have some sort of closure.
I may never know where jesse is in this life. And that in itself is a true tragedy. But I finally found a way to look beyond my pain and beyond sorrows.
I am for the first time in five years, excited for life. Excited to wake up in the morning. I love life again!!
After all my family has been through, I can honestly say, god works his miracles. I could have turned away and been bitter with the world. But through gods tender whispers and gentle touch, He carried me through this. Some days I was lucky to be alive. He saved me in more ways I can count. Thank you.
To my brother Jesse:
My life will never be complete until I will see you again. The ache of your disappearance nearly killed me. But through constant prayer and after constant praying I have found peace.
I know I will see you. There is no doubt in my mind our lives will intersect again. I love you, my cute sweet baby brother. Life with out you will always seem wrong. Family dinners are meant to be with you. They will never be the same.
But my love for you is more than this life. It expands into the eternities. That love for you has kept me strong in a weak situation. You lived life so carefree. You taught me to not take my life so seriously. I love everything about you.
I can honestly say, had god not litterally lifted me up off the floor I had been laying on and carried me back into reality I would have not survived this challenge.
God lives. And only through him can we endure our greatest life's challenge's. Thank you to all who have supported me and my family. There is life after tragedy.............And it is wonderful.
love niki
Inner peace. For five years I have had a deep hole in my heart. One that I thought would never mend. Inner peace was only a dream for me. But.....I am here to say, hearts can mend. There is life after tragedy, and the only way to mend that heart is by facing your challenge head on.
Thursday, July 11, 2013, was a life saving day. It was the day of my brother's memorial.
I had no idea how much I needed this.
I have finally received closure from an impossible situation.
Everyone in the family spoke. When it came to be my turn, I was sobbing. I thought I would never make it through my talk. But, amazingly, I was able to calm my crying and talk about my baby brother.
After I spoke a great peace came over me. I had faced my biggest fear. I felt so happy,
To celebrate jesse's life was what our family needed. Emotions were high, but in the end peace is all I felt.
I wanted jesse to know how much I loved him. How much I cared. I haven't been able to speak about him in public since he left.
A great weight has been lifted off me. I was finally able to do something for one of my best friends. That is what the missing piece was to my healing process. I found my missing piece!!!!
Isn't it strange, that the things that we feel most afraid of aren't really that scary once you finally face them.
I am so grateful to feel I have celebrated my brother's life. It was the last piece in finding a way to have some sort of closure.
I may never know where jesse is in this life. And that in itself is a true tragedy. But I finally found a way to look beyond my pain and beyond sorrows.
I am for the first time in five years, excited for life. Excited to wake up in the morning. I love life again!!
After all my family has been through, I can honestly say, god works his miracles. I could have turned away and been bitter with the world. But through gods tender whispers and gentle touch, He carried me through this. Some days I was lucky to be alive. He saved me in more ways I can count. Thank you.
To my brother Jesse:
My life will never be complete until I will see you again. The ache of your disappearance nearly killed me. But through constant prayer and after constant praying I have found peace.
I know I will see you. There is no doubt in my mind our lives will intersect again. I love you, my cute sweet baby brother. Life with out you will always seem wrong. Family dinners are meant to be with you. They will never be the same.
But my love for you is more than this life. It expands into the eternities. That love for you has kept me strong in a weak situation. You lived life so carefree. You taught me to not take my life so seriously. I love everything about you.
I can honestly say, had god not litterally lifted me up off the floor I had been laying on and carried me back into reality I would have not survived this challenge.
God lives. And only through him can we endure our greatest life's challenge's. Thank you to all who have supported me and my family. There is life after tragedy.............And it is wonderful.
love niki
Monday, June 10, 2013
Memorial.....
Increased anxiety about this memorial fills me up inside. Is this going to feel like closure? I have no idea. I've never talked to anyone who's done a memorial. I've never talked to someone who had a "funeral" with out an actual body. I'm just grateful we get to do one for my baby brother Jesse.
The invites have been passed out! The plans are in place. I hope this memorial brings peace to all those who have suffered the ache of Jesse's absence.
To anyone who has a missing loved one, my heart goes out to you. The confusion of a memorial, such as this, is hard to take in. Mixed feelings feel me up inside.
Will I never know what happened to Jesse? Will I find peace if I never know? I am nauseous just thinking about the day of his memorial.
As I have said before, some of this blog is about how me and my family have coped with dissappearance of my brother. My hope is to let anyone out there who has a missing loved one, that there are others out there just like you.
My emotions are happy and content at this very moment. I hope that it stays that way forever. But I know there will be the waves of anger and worry that can creep up inside me. This challenge is a roller coaster of emotions that I wish would shut off.
As of today, my family is doing quite well. I worry for my mother. Her grief is unimaginable.
Some in the family are ready and want to do the memorial. Others are not. At what point do you have a memorial for a missing person? I wish I had a rule book, or a set of guide lines to follow.
Plans are in place. A light dinner with each family member set to share something about Jesse. Family all around celebrating a life we all treasured.
I wonder how everyone else feels. I'm scared to face this day. It is a strange anticipation. Eager to get it over with but at the same time, never wanting the day to come.
But---at the same time, so excited to be able to talk about my brother. I miss talking about him. For many, the subject is off limits or extremely awkward. What do you say to someone who has a missing loved one? Most are shocked at the news and change the subject.
How grateful I am for a night of complete honesty. For a chance to remember him. I fear I am loosing parts of his memory due to time. I am grateful for a reminder of how great he really was.
I am so grateful for the family that has been there for us. I am so grateful to those who plan to attend. It is a good feeling to know you aren't alone in this process of loss.
In all honesty. I am excited to see all my family members. This will be a fantastic day.
To all those who have lost someone, I am so sorry. These kind of days are the ones you think you will never face.
I'm just glad I don't have to face it alone.
The invites have been passed out! The plans are in place. I hope this memorial brings peace to all those who have suffered the ache of Jesse's absence.
To anyone who has a missing loved one, my heart goes out to you. The confusion of a memorial, such as this, is hard to take in. Mixed feelings feel me up inside.
Will I never know what happened to Jesse? Will I find peace if I never know? I am nauseous just thinking about the day of his memorial.
As I have said before, some of this blog is about how me and my family have coped with dissappearance of my brother. My hope is to let anyone out there who has a missing loved one, that there are others out there just like you.
My emotions are happy and content at this very moment. I hope that it stays that way forever. But I know there will be the waves of anger and worry that can creep up inside me. This challenge is a roller coaster of emotions that I wish would shut off.
As of today, my family is doing quite well. I worry for my mother. Her grief is unimaginable.
Some in the family are ready and want to do the memorial. Others are not. At what point do you have a memorial for a missing person? I wish I had a rule book, or a set of guide lines to follow.
Plans are in place. A light dinner with each family member set to share something about Jesse. Family all around celebrating a life we all treasured.
I wonder how everyone else feels. I'm scared to face this day. It is a strange anticipation. Eager to get it over with but at the same time, never wanting the day to come.
But---at the same time, so excited to be able to talk about my brother. I miss talking about him. For many, the subject is off limits or extremely awkward. What do you say to someone who has a missing loved one? Most are shocked at the news and change the subject.
How grateful I am for a night of complete honesty. For a chance to remember him. I fear I am loosing parts of his memory due to time. I am grateful for a reminder of how great he really was.
I am so grateful for the family that has been there for us. I am so grateful to those who plan to attend. It is a good feeling to know you aren't alone in this process of loss.
In all honesty. I am excited to see all my family members. This will be a fantastic day.
To all those who have lost someone, I am so sorry. These kind of days are the ones you think you will never face.
I'm just glad I don't have to face it alone.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Scared to take a Jump....
In this journey I have been on called life, there is one thing for certain, nothing is certain. Your life is never laid out in front of you so you can plan accordingly.
In all my experiences, I have never felt so certain about this one thing.(that I will not be naming)
For example, how steady a job was going to be, or maybe the person you were sure you were going to marry didn't feel the same way, or you thought for certain, some of the challenges you have faced, only happened in the movies.
So I have my life planned out at 16 years old and am sure it will go exactly to plan. NO one can tell me differently, I will make it happen. People smile and nod. They think they know everything.
So this plan I have or had. It didn't really go exactly they way I planned it to.
Sometimes I find myself in shock at the challenges people face and are able to carry on with such faith and happiness.
Well, one if my little/big plans I had in life didn't work out at all how I expected. Actually I felt it blew up in my face. I found myself in wonder with God. "How could I have been so sure about something and turn out completely wrong?"
My confidence in myself was completely shattered. Trusting in my thoughts and feelings were now at question. I was mind blown.
A lesson I think I wasn't ready for.
Sometimes I think the choices we make are completely ours to make. There are no right or wrong answers. It is simply our choice. How little confidence I have in myself when the choice is up to me. I'd rather god tell me the right choice. Then I would never make any bad decisions.
I was wrong. How completely stumped I was when the choice I had thought so right, ended up being so wrong. It is a challenge in itself to admit you are wrong.
Just like thinking a job was going to be steady and the next day you are fired. Or proposing to your one true love and finding she does not feel the same way.You may find yourself hesitant to trust yourself with the next big decision in your life.
But I have learned that trusting in yourself is one of life's great lessons. Trust your instincts. Act on them. Just because life has not gone according to plan does not mean that it is not beautiful.
Trust yourself. Be confident in yourself. Life may seem crazy and can seem to take you in a direction you never thought possible. But there is reason behind it. Find it.
These twists and turns are set in place to challenge us beyond our capabilities. To make us strong.
"God does give us challenges we cannot handle. It is only through him we are able to face the rain and thunder that challenge our lives. Soon that storm will break way into that beautiful sunshine that is always waiting on the other side."
Trust in yourself. Your instincts are right. You just need to act on them.
In all my experiences, I have never felt so certain about this one thing.(that I will not be naming)
For example, how steady a job was going to be, or maybe the person you were sure you were going to marry didn't feel the same way, or you thought for certain, some of the challenges you have faced, only happened in the movies.
So I have my life planned out at 16 years old and am sure it will go exactly to plan. NO one can tell me differently, I will make it happen. People smile and nod. They think they know everything.
So this plan I have or had. It didn't really go exactly they way I planned it to.
Sometimes I find myself in shock at the challenges people face and are able to carry on with such faith and happiness.
Well, one if my little/big plans I had in life didn't work out at all how I expected. Actually I felt it blew up in my face. I found myself in wonder with God. "How could I have been so sure about something and turn out completely wrong?"
My confidence in myself was completely shattered. Trusting in my thoughts and feelings were now at question. I was mind blown.
A lesson I think I wasn't ready for.
Sometimes I think the choices we make are completely ours to make. There are no right or wrong answers. It is simply our choice. How little confidence I have in myself when the choice is up to me. I'd rather god tell me the right choice. Then I would never make any bad decisions.
I was wrong. How completely stumped I was when the choice I had thought so right, ended up being so wrong. It is a challenge in itself to admit you are wrong.
Just like thinking a job was going to be steady and the next day you are fired. Or proposing to your one true love and finding she does not feel the same way.You may find yourself hesitant to trust yourself with the next big decision in your life.
But I have learned that trusting in yourself is one of life's great lessons. Trust your instincts. Act on them. Just because life has not gone according to plan does not mean that it is not beautiful.
Trust yourself. Be confident in yourself. Life may seem crazy and can seem to take you in a direction you never thought possible. But there is reason behind it. Find it.
These twists and turns are set in place to challenge us beyond our capabilities. To make us strong.
"God does give us challenges we cannot handle. It is only through him we are able to face the rain and thunder that challenge our lives. Soon that storm will break way into that beautiful sunshine that is always waiting on the other side."
Trust in yourself. Your instincts are right. You just need to act on them.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Where your heart is...
Home....I think I have been home sick for over a year and a half. I think I have been searching for something that has been sitting in front of me all this time...
If you have been reading my blog, you may know that within the past 7 months I have moved 2 times. In the ten years that Kirt and I have been married we have moved over 9 times.
I must say, out of all those moves, these last two have taught me the very most.
I had this dream. I was going to have this huge beautiful home. Huge kids play room loft, with skylights to watch the stars at night, granite counter tops, hard wood floors, a theater room........you know.......the works.
Well 7 months ago my dream came true. I got my dream home. It was fantastic! I was in love with this home. I moved from my neighborhood we had been living in for quite some time and made the jump to our dream home. All seemed too good...
It turns out I was wrong.
This house was ginormous!!! It was double the size of our old home. How could I not love this home, right? Yeah, I thought that too. But, I found myself extremely uncomfortable at night. My kids and I were now on different floors and I could no longer hear their soft little voices when they called out for me. No longer hear the cute noises they made in the night that seemed to sing me to sleep. I was alone in silence, and in a mansion of worries.
My breaking point came when Chase came into my room and all you could hear was a wheezing breath coming from his mouth. I turned on the light and my precious little boys mouth was completely blue. Chase had croup. I ran him into the bathroom and turned on the hot water stripped him naked and jumped into the bath with him. Chase is older, (6), so I stayed fully clothed and helled my sweet baby in the bath tub full of water and just listened to him breathe the rest of the night. Music to my ears.
I have not slept a full nights rest since that night. Had he not woke me up, I would have never known he was struggling to breathe. "Oh how I wished my home was small." I thought. Oh how I wished I could reverse time and go back to where I was before. Oh how I wished I knew what I had when I had it.
It was then I got to thinking....Am I a "grass is always greener" type of person? Is this how it is always going to be? Always thinking the opposite of how I am living looks so much better? Gee....I hope not.
What is wrong with me??? This is my dream home!
But now, I'm not so sure.
What is a dream home? Is it a ginormous house filled with swimming pools and endless games to play? Granite counter tops and hard wood floors?
Or could it be something else?
Something else entirely different.
In these past two moves, as I have said, I have learned so much. The most important was.......I now know what a dream house really is.
It is not a ginormous house. It can be any size. For it is feeling in the home that brings the house to life. I found as we switched to my "dream home" my family came with it. Had they not been there in this new home......it would just be a building that I slept in. A house is just a building you sleep in. Your family and the life you bring to the home is what makes it a place of love and happiness.
I found this ginormous home too big for our family. Too easy to be far apart. Too easy to not communicate with each other. We needed a small and cozy home.
If you have a home and the neighborhood and the schools are good. Don't move. A home is just a place you sleep in. But a good neighborhood is hard to come by. It is a regret I was able to correct but be careful. A good neighborhood is irreplaceable.
What I learned was to be grateful always for what I have at all times. A small home is a blessing. Just having a home is a blessing. My dream home is what I had all along. I'm with the people I love the most. What more could I possibly ask for? For the first time I think I am learning what it means to be content with my life. So sad that it has taken this long to understand what that word actually means:)
"To be content in life is to find true rest within your soul"------anonymous
If you have been reading my blog, you may know that within the past 7 months I have moved 2 times. In the ten years that Kirt and I have been married we have moved over 9 times.
I must say, out of all those moves, these last two have taught me the very most.
I had this dream. I was going to have this huge beautiful home. Huge kids play room loft, with skylights to watch the stars at night, granite counter tops, hard wood floors, a theater room........you know.......the works.
Well 7 months ago my dream came true. I got my dream home. It was fantastic! I was in love with this home. I moved from my neighborhood we had been living in for quite some time and made the jump to our dream home. All seemed too good...
It turns out I was wrong.
This house was ginormous!!! It was double the size of our old home. How could I not love this home, right? Yeah, I thought that too. But, I found myself extremely uncomfortable at night. My kids and I were now on different floors and I could no longer hear their soft little voices when they called out for me. No longer hear the cute noises they made in the night that seemed to sing me to sleep. I was alone in silence, and in a mansion of worries.
My breaking point came when Chase came into my room and all you could hear was a wheezing breath coming from his mouth. I turned on the light and my precious little boys mouth was completely blue. Chase had croup. I ran him into the bathroom and turned on the hot water stripped him naked and jumped into the bath with him. Chase is older, (6), so I stayed fully clothed and helled my sweet baby in the bath tub full of water and just listened to him breathe the rest of the night. Music to my ears.
I have not slept a full nights rest since that night. Had he not woke me up, I would have never known he was struggling to breathe. "Oh how I wished my home was small." I thought. Oh how I wished I could reverse time and go back to where I was before. Oh how I wished I knew what I had when I had it.
It was then I got to thinking....Am I a "grass is always greener" type of person? Is this how it is always going to be? Always thinking the opposite of how I am living looks so much better? Gee....I hope not.
What is wrong with me??? This is my dream home!
But now, I'm not so sure.
What is a dream home? Is it a ginormous house filled with swimming pools and endless games to play? Granite counter tops and hard wood floors?
Or could it be something else?
Something else entirely different.
In these past two moves, as I have said, I have learned so much. The most important was.......I now know what a dream house really is.
It is not a ginormous house. It can be any size. For it is feeling in the home that brings the house to life. I found as we switched to my "dream home" my family came with it. Had they not been there in this new home......it would just be a building that I slept in. A house is just a building you sleep in. Your family and the life you bring to the home is what makes it a place of love and happiness.
I found this ginormous home too big for our family. Too easy to be far apart. Too easy to not communicate with each other. We needed a small and cozy home.
If you have a home and the neighborhood and the schools are good. Don't move. A home is just a place you sleep in. But a good neighborhood is hard to come by. It is a regret I was able to correct but be careful. A good neighborhood is irreplaceable.
What I learned was to be grateful always for what I have at all times. A small home is a blessing. Just having a home is a blessing. My dream home is what I had all along. I'm with the people I love the most. What more could I possibly ask for? For the first time I think I am learning what it means to be content with my life. So sad that it has taken this long to understand what that word actually means:)
"To be content in life is to find true rest within your soul"------anonymous
Friday, May 24, 2013
One more than you can ever say!
Do you remember on the playground when you were arguing with your friends over something completely ridiculous but you had to be the one who was right no matter what? No matter what they said? So you would argue something like this....."I like that shirt the most!", "No! I like that shirt the most!!", "Uh-ah, I like that shirt one more than you can ever say!" And so on the argument would go. I had that very argument just yesterday.....
Well Ladies......I put an offer on a house. Yes, yes, yes, I did. (Now, I'm ok talking money with people. Forgive me if I make you uncomfortable by talking money but you keep reading so technically it's your fault.)
We have been looking for a house to live in for over a year and a half. So just three days ago I saw this house listed for sale and I fell in love with it. Soooooo......this house was in our price range and we had a little wiggle room. I was so excited!
Orem, Utah is a hot place to live right now apparantely. This home went up for sale just that day and had 3 offers by the end of the night. AH!!! I hate this! So we decided to put in our best offer. (it was over list price.) By the next day at 6 pm we got the word that all offers were over list price! They wanted best and final offers in by 6 pm the next night.
Stupid. Drive me crazy, Nuts! What do I do?! Offer a crazy amount?! BEG?! I want, wait! I need this house. It is perfect for my family! The schools, the neighborhood, my best friend lives right by me, tons of kids in the all the houses surrounding the house, what more could I want?
Then it hit me.....One more than you can ever say!!! That's it!!! That is how I will make my offer! Call me crazy but I'm gonna do it. Offer them $1,000 above whatever the highest offer submitted was. It was a huge risk. "What if someone offers them a crazy amount? What if someone offers them $30,000 over the listed price???" That's the gamble. BUT---what if, by chance, they all only have gone over the listed price by just a little bit. What if I call their bluff???
If I were to just give my best and final offer......because I have been looking for literally a year and a half, I would have offered $20,000 over listed price. Crazy, I know. I wanted this house so badly. So we did it. One more than you could ever say. HA HA! Yes. They actually let you do these kind of offers:) Everyone thought I was nuts. Kirt was a mess. (Of course we protected ourselves and made this all contingent upon appraisal. Gee, I'm not completely stupid.)
We submitted our offer. Now we just had to wait.
And wait....
And wait....
And wait...
Finally I got the call. My relator told me to sit down. I immediately sat down. "Ok Niki. There were 6 offers submitted by the time the deadline hit. Of all those offers......they chose yours." I screamed. I was full of excitement and fear all at once. I still didn't know how much I was going to pay for the house. I said. "OK. So tell me how much I am going to pay for my house." There was a slight pause. "Are you sitting down?", "Yeeeeesssss?" I said slowly. "You are paying...." and he told me the purchase price.
It was only $8,000 more than the listed price!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen I won! Let's go to VEGAS because this girl is on fire!!! It was such a gamble and such huge risk but what a rush!!! Kirt and I sat there and just laughed. We would have at least offered $10,000 over listed price with six other offers on the table. But I called their bluff and won! Everyone just went a little bit over the listed price. SO happy it worked out! I am going to be in my dream neighborhood! So grateful we got the house!
I guess this just goes to show that some of the silly things we learned on the playground really can help us out later in life. Who knew for me it would be "ONE MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER SAY"
Well Ladies......I put an offer on a house. Yes, yes, yes, I did. (Now, I'm ok talking money with people. Forgive me if I make you uncomfortable by talking money but you keep reading so technically it's your fault.)
We have been looking for a house to live in for over a year and a half. So just three days ago I saw this house listed for sale and I fell in love with it. Soooooo......this house was in our price range and we had a little wiggle room. I was so excited!
Orem, Utah is a hot place to live right now apparantely. This home went up for sale just that day and had 3 offers by the end of the night. AH!!! I hate this! So we decided to put in our best offer. (it was over list price.) By the next day at 6 pm we got the word that all offers were over list price! They wanted best and final offers in by 6 pm the next night.
Stupid. Drive me crazy, Nuts! What do I do?! Offer a crazy amount?! BEG?! I want, wait! I need this house. It is perfect for my family! The schools, the neighborhood, my best friend lives right by me, tons of kids in the all the houses surrounding the house, what more could I want?
Then it hit me.....One more than you can ever say!!! That's it!!! That is how I will make my offer! Call me crazy but I'm gonna do it. Offer them $1,000 above whatever the highest offer submitted was. It was a huge risk. "What if someone offers them a crazy amount? What if someone offers them $30,000 over the listed price???" That's the gamble. BUT---what if, by chance, they all only have gone over the listed price by just a little bit. What if I call their bluff???
If I were to just give my best and final offer......because I have been looking for literally a year and a half, I would have offered $20,000 over listed price. Crazy, I know. I wanted this house so badly. So we did it. One more than you could ever say. HA HA! Yes. They actually let you do these kind of offers:) Everyone thought I was nuts. Kirt was a mess. (Of course we protected ourselves and made this all contingent upon appraisal. Gee, I'm not completely stupid.)
We submitted our offer. Now we just had to wait.
And wait....
And wait....
And wait...
Finally I got the call. My relator told me to sit down. I immediately sat down. "Ok Niki. There were 6 offers submitted by the time the deadline hit. Of all those offers......they chose yours." I screamed. I was full of excitement and fear all at once. I still didn't know how much I was going to pay for the house. I said. "OK. So tell me how much I am going to pay for my house." There was a slight pause. "Are you sitting down?", "Yeeeeesssss?" I said slowly. "You are paying...." and he told me the purchase price.
It was only $8,000 more than the listed price!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen I won! Let's go to VEGAS because this girl is on fire!!! It was such a gamble and such huge risk but what a rush!!! Kirt and I sat there and just laughed. We would have at least offered $10,000 over listed price with six other offers on the table. But I called their bluff and won! Everyone just went a little bit over the listed price. SO happy it worked out! I am going to be in my dream neighborhood! So grateful we got the house!
I guess this just goes to show that some of the silly things we learned on the playground really can help us out later in life. Who knew for me it would be "ONE MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER SAY"
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Le Mes
I have never seen Le Mes, or even heard the music that goes along with Le Mes. When I tell people this they are mind blown. They cannot believe it. Apparently it has beautiful music and an amazing story to go with it. But everyone has told me, "Oh, you will cry!" Well.....guess what? I don't like to cry. Les Mes has been a huge fear of mine. I have been so afraid to see this show. All I have heard is that it is so sad. Why would I want to watch something that is so sad???? So my friend broke me down and took me to the pioneer theater in Salt Lake City. I have even bought the movie and still have not watched it. That is how scared I am to watch this show. I just don't like watching things that make me sad, I like watching things that make me happy and laugh. So Les Mes was a show I have been wanting to see all my life and never had the courage to see because I thought it would make me too sad....
So I went to the play. I was absolutely shocked. EVERYONE DIES!!! (Except one person.) And I left that show feeling Happy and Inspired. How messed up is that???
I found myself relating to the main character so much. He made so many tiny mistakes in his life and was such an amazing person. But, he was such a tortured soul. I find I make so many tiny mistakes and am so hard on myself. So much harder on myself than could ever be necessary. I expect perfection when understanding is all that is needed.
The music was amazing and of course I cried. I cried so hard when Colette's mother sang, "I dreamed a dream" It was so indescribable the feeling's I felt when she sang, "I dreamed a dream of a life of so much more than this hell I'm living." She sang it like she truly meant it. I think we all have felt that at one time or another. Felt that our lives would have turned out a whole lot more different than it did. (Not that we all think we all live in Hell by any means.) But I'm sure we may have felt, in some way or another, that at one point or another in our lives, a situation we may be in.......is pure hell. I know I have:) Life gives us twists and turns we never expect. I think that's what makes us appreciate it more as we get older. Life truly is a gift. It runs on the love we put into it and the life we bring to it.
This play just made me cry. I loved every second of it. People fought for what they believed in. It made me think....."What do I believe in so much that I would fight for and even die for?" Then I thought again, "Do I believe in something that much???" If I'm being completely honest, I don't know. I'm a chicken. I think that was a huge message to me.I want to believe in something that much again. I want that passion and that drive. Back then, people believed in things. They fought for things. This play has so many good messages. Loved it.
I was truly touched by this play that I just had to write about it!! It took me by surprise at every scene. I was most surprised to see how much the main character could not forgive himself for collete's mother's death. He was such a beautiful person but never saw it in himself. I think so many of us are like that. I think I am so hard on myself and so much more unforgiving of myself than I should be. Why? I don't know. But I am working on that.
I think you could watch this play or movie a million times and each time learn something new. A new lesson. There are so many messages in the music that is sung. Some take it and find it truly sad. I found this play truly inspiring. It made me think of, "survival of the human spirit". No matter how hard life got for the main character, he fought back and always got back on his feet. He served people, he loved people, he cared for people.
This play made me want to go an adopt a child and change their life for the better. (Not that I'm actually going to do that.) This play showed that one single person can make such a huge difference in the world and in people's lives. It made me feel empowered. One person can make such a huge difference in this world.
I know there are so many days when our daily duties as mother's feels so pointless. We might feel like we aren't benefiting the world in any way, shape, or form. But---we are changing lives. We serve, we love, we care. Mother's are true warrior's in this world. I love my mother. She changed my life. I am a better person because I have her in my life.
One of my favorite quotes is: "Mother's hold their childs' hand for awhile, but their hearts forever" We are simply awesome!
Loved this and wish I saw it sooner.....but then I wouldn't have appreciated it as much!!! Love to all!
So I went to the play. I was absolutely shocked. EVERYONE DIES!!! (Except one person.) And I left that show feeling Happy and Inspired. How messed up is that???
I found myself relating to the main character so much. He made so many tiny mistakes in his life and was such an amazing person. But, he was such a tortured soul. I find I make so many tiny mistakes and am so hard on myself. So much harder on myself than could ever be necessary. I expect perfection when understanding is all that is needed.
The music was amazing and of course I cried. I cried so hard when Colette's mother sang, "I dreamed a dream" It was so indescribable the feeling's I felt when she sang, "I dreamed a dream of a life of so much more than this hell I'm living." She sang it like she truly meant it. I think we all have felt that at one time or another. Felt that our lives would have turned out a whole lot more different than it did. (Not that we all think we all live in Hell by any means.) But I'm sure we may have felt, in some way or another, that at one point or another in our lives, a situation we may be in.......is pure hell. I know I have:) Life gives us twists and turns we never expect. I think that's what makes us appreciate it more as we get older. Life truly is a gift. It runs on the love we put into it and the life we bring to it.
This play just made me cry. I loved every second of it. People fought for what they believed in. It made me think....."What do I believe in so much that I would fight for and even die for?" Then I thought again, "Do I believe in something that much???" If I'm being completely honest, I don't know. I'm a chicken. I think that was a huge message to me.I want to believe in something that much again. I want that passion and that drive. Back then, people believed in things. They fought for things. This play has so many good messages. Loved it.
I was truly touched by this play that I just had to write about it!! It took me by surprise at every scene. I was most surprised to see how much the main character could not forgive himself for collete's mother's death. He was such a beautiful person but never saw it in himself. I think so many of us are like that. I think I am so hard on myself and so much more unforgiving of myself than I should be. Why? I don't know. But I am working on that.
I think you could watch this play or movie a million times and each time learn something new. A new lesson. There are so many messages in the music that is sung. Some take it and find it truly sad. I found this play truly inspiring. It made me think of, "survival of the human spirit". No matter how hard life got for the main character, he fought back and always got back on his feet. He served people, he loved people, he cared for people.
This play made me want to go an adopt a child and change their life for the better. (Not that I'm actually going to do that.) This play showed that one single person can make such a huge difference in the world and in people's lives. It made me feel empowered. One person can make such a huge difference in this world.
I know there are so many days when our daily duties as mother's feels so pointless. We might feel like we aren't benefiting the world in any way, shape, or form. But---we are changing lives. We serve, we love, we care. Mother's are true warrior's in this world. I love my mother. She changed my life. I am a better person because I have her in my life.
One of my favorite quotes is: "Mother's hold their childs' hand for awhile, but their hearts forever" We are simply awesome!
Loved this and wish I saw it sooner.....but then I wouldn't have appreciated it as much!!! Love to all!
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