Facing My Demons

My New Year's resolution was, for once, not to loose weight. It was to face my demons. I know I have mentioned this before. I have just felt my demons around me a little more this week.

I shut god out of my life for so long I sometimes think I have forgotten how to pray. I sometimes feel scared to pray. Like somehow I will be rejected by the one person who has always been there for me. I know I  have felt alone and afraid. I know I have felt completely abandoned. I know on the days I didn't get up in the morning he carried me through the day and into the night. I know he has been there for me even when I didn't ask him to be.

Prayer is one of my demons. I need god in my life. Spirituality is the key to my inner happiness. There is always a voice telling me I am not good enough. Not good enough to pray that day. Too tired, too sad, too upset. In this process I realized prayer wasn't one of my demons, Prayer is my saving grace.

That "Voice" is one of my demons. That voice tells me I can't do the things deep down I know I can. That voice discourages me not to leave the house and makes my day a living nightmare. That voice is poison and I listen to it more often than I should. That voice has, surprisingly, made me strong.

Strength. That voice has given me strength. That voice has literally given me a pair of boxing gloves and put me in the ring of the most difficult circumstances and made me face them. Made me stare at them. Made me fight them. I have learned I may loose my footing, I may have gotten knocked down, but if I endure and keep fighting, in the end, I always win.

When I hear that voice telling me I am not good enough, I can swing back and do something amazing. Like love my kids unconditionally.  When that voice tells me I look like crap and it is not even worth getting dressed for the day, I can give it an upper cut and get ready for the day and take the kids to play at the park. Little things to fight back the thoughts can move mountains. When the voice tells me I am fat and says I shouldn't be seen on public. I make a swift high kick to their stomach and that voice is one their knees. I am out with my friends for dinner having a blast. Fighting back all the thoughts I have and never giving in to the thought that I am not good enough for anything feels amazing.  Thinking I am not good enough is simply untrue. Fighting back feels absolutely amazing! (Kick boxing classes are a great way to blow off steam.)

Endurance. Endurance is my life's fatigue. I hear "Endure to the end" and I think we are on this road trip that never ends. ARE WE THERE YET??? I now say, "Endure the minute, then the hour, then the day. Tomorrow will be better". Being positive in the moment is so much better than enduring to the end. We get there one step at a time. Moment by moment. Seeing the picture piece by piece. The Masterpiece is always in the making. Always in the process. I just have to enjoy the work.

Work. I have worked approximately nine years raising my kids and a single statement from my four year old little boy has given me fuel for the next nine years. I was laying next to my little Landon and as he was falling asleep he slowly closed his eyes and softly smiled. He brushed his tiny hand across my face and looked up at me with his brilliant blue eyes that melt my heart. He slowly said, "Mommy, you are the best mommy I ever had!" I was so surprised. I didn't even tell him to say that. NO COACHING INVOLVED!!!! Absolutely voluntary!! Love that little boy. I have fuel for life with that statement!!! That is why I am here. Those kids are my world.

For some reason or another, life has its ups and its downs. Sometimes I know why and sometimes I just can't put my finger on it. Demons or not, I have to think I get stronger each time I am put in that boxing ring. Not matter how many times I get knocked down, the point is.....I get up. Doesn't matter how, doesn't matter that it wasn't pretty, it just matters that I did.

Get up, look it in the eyes, and beat the $#%$#%$ out of it!                     

ADDICTION!!!

ADDICTION DISCLAIMER:
          As alway this is my blog, my opinion, and my silly way of venting on life's twists and turns. I truly am so sorry if I offend ANYONE. But, let's just be honest....it's your fault you keep reading;)

Ever since I can remember I have struggled with addiction in one way or another. In my battle with addiction I have learned that most addicts have the same problem. They struggle with what most of us struggle with....balancing life.  Instead of reaching out for help, they turn to something unhealthy to help them cope with life. 

When I say "unhealthy" I mean ANYTHING used in EXCESS and for the wrong reasons. So let's get into the fun stuff shall we???

"Hi. My name is Niki and I am an addict." WOW. That sucked and feels good to say all at the same time. I am addicted to food.......OK---I bet you thought I was going to say drugs or alcohol, but, let me explain...

I think addiction is so much more than using drugs, drinking alcohol, or taking pills. For me it is 100% emotional.

Since I have started this blog I have been completely open and honest about all of my struggles. Depression, anxiety, suicide, guilt, grief, pain, loss, and now addiction. This all seems like such a long list but, I can honestly sit back and smile right now and tell you I am happy and in a really great place. I only am able to share my thoughts because I was able to get help from the professionals I so desperately needed.

I knew my eating was either out of control or simply non-existent. I know I have a warped body image of myself. Despite knowing I have a warped perception of myself  hasn't stopped me from struggling with bulimia and anorexia. (those are 2 completely different posts.) Never in my life would I have thought to treat my eating like an addiction. Until one day I was listening to a woman speak and she stated that she was addicted to food. I thought to myself, "Ummmmmm.......of course you are, you idiot!! If you weren't, you'd be dead." Then she explained something I will never forget. She looked down and said, "I don't eat when I'm hungry, in fact, I don't even know what hungry feels like anymore. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm mad. I eat when I'm depressed. I eat  to hide what I am feeling. Food is my comfort. Food has always been there for me." I looked at her and her eyes began to tear up. I realized mine had too. She spoke again, "Food is always there for me when I need it, food never lets me down, food never judged me for my weaknesses.I eat so I don't have to feel the pain anymore." I hugged her for a very long time. I cried with her until it was time for us to part ways. As she left I didn't see the same person. She was beautiful. How did I not see this before? I realized it was because  I was seeing her. Not the outer shell of the person she was,  but her.

I thought A LONG TIME about what she said to me. How many of us have addictions and we don't even realize it? I realized my stresses and struggles were not as different than the other people taking drugs and alcohol and using pills to "numb" the pain they are going through. Of course I realize drugs are illegal and I'm not justifying anyone's actions. I am simply stating that abuse is abuse. An addict is an addict. We all need support. We all need love. The last thing we need.....others judgement

There is a family that we know of who has had more than their fair share of trials. (In truth, this story is a big reason as to why I have not blogged as much as I usually do.) I like  to think I'm pretty accepting of  other peoples' life style's and beliefs. So when I hear stories like this it makes me so sad.  

This particular family had a daughter who was 18 and committed suicide 1 year ago today. Needless to say, they were having a bad day. A lot of people just don't know what to say in those situations. I don't blame them for feeling awkward. I would too. But WHATEVER you do, don't go out of your way to avoid them!!!
 If  you think they won't notice....think again.

A lady went out of her way to offer any comfort she could on such a difficult day. Onlookers saw this gesture and later came up to the woman who had  offered comfort and stated that they could not believe she was talking to the other woman. Due to the ladys' background and current problems she was quite the "downer" to be around. People did not want to be around her. She was not the easiest person to get along with but was someone who needed a friend desperately. This family  had many problems ranging from drug abuse, addiction, and suicide. 

I was so disappointed that people would prejudge her because of her family situation. Even if someone is struggling  with those things we should be ready and willing to help if we are able. I totally get if, mentally, you just can't handle them. But, if it is a convenience thing......that's just sad. This family also has another teenager struggling with depression , addiction, and attempted suicide. I would think that the opposite  would have happened. People would want to help. People would want to  go out of their way to say hello. I was wrong. 

I have learned you can't control what life gives you. Life is always a big adventure waiting to happen. BUT, you can control how you respond to what life gives you .I have said this before and I will say it again, I have a fabulous group of girlfriends. There is not one person who pretends to have it all together. I love it. Had I not had the support from them and my best friend Kirt, I would not be here today. 

Addiction is way of coping, I have found if I would just face my demons and not use my addictiom to bock out my problem it made my life better. Facing your demons seems so much harder than it relly is.

When it comes to addiction, you are blocking something out. You are hiding from something. There is something you do not want to deal with. If you are an addict you are prolonging the inevitable. One day you will have to face your demons. 

Well ladies and gentlemen........as I have said before, This is the year I am facing my demons! One of them is my addiction to food.

Kirt and I are in a friendly competition of loosing weight the "HEALTHY" way.  If kirt wins he gets what every guy wants every day, for an entire month!!!...............................................................
YES LADIES  THAT IS MOTIVATION FOR ME!!! I HAVE TO WIN!!! I AM NOT UP FOR THAT!! If I win, I get a lump of cash that I can spend on ANYTHING! No questions asked. Can you imagine the possibilities??? Needless to say, Kirt is pretty motivated too. He is pretty scared as to what I might buy. A trip, a cruise, or maybe......BOOBS!!!  Hahahahahah!!!!  NO...... Kidding...........I guess time will tell;)

In all seriousness, addiction is so common and some of us may not even realize we are addicted. Moderation in all things. Striving to find balance in life and that inner peace. I love that I have an awesome family and extended family. They love me through the good, the bad, the crazy, and the fun. Don't push people away, let people in. Be more open about your problems and others will about theirs. You will find better truer friends that way. 

 Live your best life, Laugh with true friends, Love Yourself                         niki

Love Him!

Today is V-Day! In other words Valentines Day. I say V-Day because I think of the word Veteran. That is what my Grandpa Ogden was. He was a world war two veteran. I know there is an actual Veteran's Day but I think of my Grandpa Ogden on this day because Valentine's Day reminds me of the day we celebrate those we hold the most dear and close to our hearts. My Grandpa Ogden is one of those people. 

Grandpa Ogden was a simple man. That was his charm. He was usually never seen without his hat and was always up for a game of Skip-BO. Sleepovers at Grandma and Grandpas' were the best. Grandpa would always wake up early to take his daily nature walk. He would nudge you just once to see if you wanted to come and then leave (You had to move quick if you wanted to keep up with Grandpa). They lived near the mountains and even as a small child I knew there was something special about Grandpa. 

While on our walks, on many occasions, grandpa would be able to come within a few feet of some of the deer we would see. He had a peace about him that made everyone around him feel happy and safe. I imagine that is why he was able to get so close to so many of the wildlife we would see.

Every morning Grandpa would make eggs for breakfast. He would make them any way you wanted them. I ALWAYS wanted mine over easy. I swear to you, to this day, I have never had a better egg than when Grandpa cooked them for me. We would have eggs, orange juice, and Grandpa would have his morning Diet Pepsi!!! 

I laugh every time I see a diet pepsi. They had stacks of that stuff so they would never run out. I will still buy a can of diet Pepsi every now and then just to smell it. Grandpa's breath always smelled of diet pepsi. Whenever Grandpa would let out one of his big laughs I could smell his breath and it would smell like diet pepsi. So when I smell Diet Pepsi it takes me back into the memory of Grandpa and his big, loud, fun, and contagious laugh.

After breakfast, if it was Saturday, we would ALWAYS go to the swap meet. That was an adventure. That was the best place to find the best junk. (treasure) We shopped there for hours and sometimes bought just one thing. It was always an adventure. Grandpa was always so patient. I only realize it now because I have kids. I always took forever to make a decision but he never rushed me. I'm always telling my kids, "Hurry up!!! We gotta go!!" 

After that we'd pick out some rocks from the street and put them in the rock polish machine. While the rock polish machine was going we'd watch a John Wayne movie. If the rocks weren't shiny and polished by the end of the movie we'd walk to the gas station and get some candy.....I ALWAYS got a slap stick. When we got back we'd make the polished rocks into a necklace or a ring. 

Then it was time for CARDS!!! We had our choices...Skip-BO, no peeKee, dominos, and so much more. Grandpa was always trash talking and with good reason. He always won. He was soooooooo good. And boy could he shuffle. After cards it was off to the park to feed the ducks. Man......now that I think about it.......this guy was like the energizer bunny. I would not be able to do all of this in one day with kids. But this is all true. He and grandma would fit all this in in one day. Crazy huh?!

He was so much fun but also had a soft quiet side that loved to fish. He could sit in the silence for hours and be completely comfortable. I, on the other hand, am the total opposite. I am loud and obnoxious. He reluctantly took me fishing because I begged for over a year for him to take me. We got to the spot we were going to fish at and were there for ten minutes. I dropped a rock in the pond and grandpa grabbed all the gear and took me home. He promised he would never take me fishing again. And let me tell you......he was a man of his word. He never took me fishing again!!! Don't mess with grandpa and his fishing!

We always hated it when we had to leave grandma and grandpa's house. But we always knew we were welcome whenever we wanted to come over. He was a second father to all of his grandchildren. He was an example to me and helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life. 

Nothing is more important to a daughter than knowing her father adores her. Not knowing that from my own father has been a struggle for me. My grandpa truly saved me. I know he adored me. I think Grandpa Ogden was a father to all of the extended family. He was just that amazing.

I think Valentines Day is about celebrating those who are the most important in your life. You don't have to have a "Significant Other", or a date, or a romantic evening planned. I think it is a great day to reflect on how grateful you are for those in your past and present who have impacted your life for the better. 

Take the day to reflect on those who you are closest to your heart and tell them how much they mean to you. You never know how much they might need to hear it.

Compliment

I have been having mixed emotions about this blog this past week. I have felt so vulnerable by sharing all my crazy stories about post pardum depression, anxiety, and just challenges in general.

I was about to give into my fears and just take the entire blog down until I recieved a tiny comment from my cousin that meant the world to me. She basically gave me a compliment telling me she liked what I was doing and that it was helping her. I was floored. I couldn't believe the timing of her comment, let alone what it was about. It said everything I was feeling insecure about. It gave me hope and a reason to keep the blog up. Not long after that I got a call from my mother. She told me the lady we had been trying to get in contact with about her missing son finally responded. She told me the lady was so excited about what we were doing and was ready to write her story. She will have the story of her missing son posted on the blog later this week. She is still looking for him and will use any way to get the word out on his disappearance. I am so excited to be able to help in any way I can.

This is what this post is about......a little compliment can go a long way. Quite often, we as women don't give ourselves enough credit for the amazing things we do. More importantly, we need to let each other know how great we think we are. Had my cousin not complimented me today I probably would have taken my blog down and missed out on the chance to help out on another missing persons' case. I would've regretted taking down this blog and luckily because someone took the time to say a little sentence to me it made a HUGE difference.

I have realized in my life that you never know what goes on behind closed doors. A person may look and act like they have it all together on the outside but on the inside they could be a complete mess. Don't ever compare yourself to others. You never know when that certain someone needs a friendly smile or a phone call just to say "hi". If you find yourself thinking of someone else and the thought crosses your mind to call them......call them. If you see some one and think, "Wow. She looks really pretty today." Tell her. If you see someone looking sad, ask them if you can do anything for them.

I have found all these thoughts have crossed my mind before but how often do I actually act on them??? We as women need to support each other. I am making it my goal this week to act upon the thoughts that cross my mind. If I think someone looks cute, I'm going to tell them. If someone looks sad, I'm going to see what I can do to help, If I find I keep thinking of someone, I'm going to call and check on them. I encourage all of you to do the same.

I am so grateful my cousin acted on her feelings and gave me, what may have seemed like a tiny compliment to her, but, it was GIGANTIC to me!!!  You never know how much a tiny compliment can mean to someone. Share what you think.

Anxiety

I have found that after my brothers disappearance I became extremely overprotective of my children. Watching my own mother struggle with not knowing where her own son disappeared to gave me serious doubt in the security of my own home.

My children are my world. I am so grateful I have them in my life. Their outlook on life is beautiful. They gave me the strength to push forward and live a good life. Each day is filled with a new adventure and I never know what to expect. I love everything about them. When my life took a wild turn my emotions went on overdrive...

"What is that noise? I think I heard a noise." I had awoke with a start. I could have sworn I heard something just outside my bedroom door. Jesse had been missing for 4 months now and I was sure one of my kids was next. I jumped out of bed and raced to Lexi's bedroom. Lexi was safe and sound in her bed. I then rushed to Chase's room. He too was safe in bed. Landon was still a newborn and sleeping in Kirt and I's bedroom at the time. I took a deep breath. My heart was racing. It was racing too fast. I was light-headed. I slowly knelled down and took a few more deep breaths. It felt like the walls were closing in on me. What was going on? My breath was not slowing. I sat and closed my eyes. I started to count. 1...2....3.......4..........5.........6............slowly my breath slowed and my heart rate returned to normal. Wow. What was that? I had never experienced anything like that before. I shrugged it off and went to bed. I was too tired to think of anything but sleep.

The next week went on as normal and nothing happened. Until the next week I awoke with a start and raced to the kids rooms again. The exact same thing happened. I checked on Lexi then Chase. Both were sleeping soundly. Except this time the walls closed in on me much faster. I slumped to the floor and curled into a ball. I was so scared. I didn't want to move. I was so nervous and I didn't know why. I felt a huge weight on my chest and started to breathe faster. Why was I feeling this way? What was going on? I started to count 1....2.....3......4..........5............6..........7..........8.........9.................10...........................
ok. This is not working. I started to take deep breathes to try and slow my breathing. I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth. This was helping. After about 5 minutes my body started to relax. I still didn't understand what this was but just thought I hadn't got enough sleep and went to bed.

The next few days were fine and I didn't have any problems. It wasn't until Kirt and I were supposed to go away for my birthday overnight that I really had a problem.

Kirt and I were finally getting away! I was so excited! My mom was there to watch the kids and we were almost out the door. My kids came running up to give us our final hugs and kisses goodbye. As I said goodbye to my tiniest baby Landon, my stomach started to twist. "Oh no! Not now!" I thought. Just like before the walls started to close in on me, my chest felt like I had a ton of bricks on it, and my heart began to race. I needed to sit down and fast.

On the outside I looked completely normal to everyone. On the inside I was a complete mess. On the inside I was freaking out. My hands were shaking. For some reason I was so scared to leave my kids. I was so sure they were going to go missing just like my brother did. This time it took about an hour for me to calm down. It was getting worse. I still didn't know what it was, but my mom thought it sounded like anxiety. I decided I needed to go see the doctor.

I went to the doctor and he recommended taking some long term medicine. (such as: zoloft, prozac, wellbutrin, etc.) to help prevent the attacks from happening. He then said he could give me other medicine to help if I had an actual attack that would work within 10 minutes or so. This medicine was called Adivan. Now I am a mother of 4. I need my energy. I tried that stuff and it wipes me out. I cannot take that stuff.

I am telling you all of this because there are all sorts of ways to help with anxiety. I have found some great ways to help with my anxiety. Like I said before, I can't take the strong stuff, I will sleep. I do believe there are cases that people need it. It's just not for me. So if you use it and it works for you that is great. I do use the medicine that prevents attacks from happening,(ex: zoloft, prozac, etc.), and it works great for me. I have had great success with that.

I'm going to put another disclaimer....This is my blog and completely my opinion. This is what has helped me and you should ALWAYS talk to a doctor before taking ANY medicine. I did talk to my doctor before I took this medicine and for me it was ok. That may not be the case for you.

There are two things I do use if I have an actual attack. If I feel an attack coming on I will take a melatonin quick dissolving tablet and it helps calm me down. Melatonin is a chemical the body releases to help you fall asleep at night. So this is an over the counter medicine you can just go get and is a natural way to help calm your body. It may make you tired but I have found if I am having an actual attack, it just helps me not have the attack. Another thing I will do is YOGA!! I love it and it has made a huge difference in my life. Doing yoga everyday will help you keep your body calm and in control. Try it. You will be surprised at how much better you will feel.

I have had so many friends talk to me about having anxiety. It is a very real thing. I hope that by sharing that I have struggled with it, it helps others know they are not alone. Anxiety is a very common thing. More people have it than you would ever think. I found the longer I stayed in the house the more and more anxious I became about leaving the house. I think most people, at one point or another, will experience anxiety in their lifetime. Whether it is at work, with friends, or at home, we all have stress. Stress can easily make you anxious. Exercise, medicine, or just talking about it is a great way to help anyone who needs help with anxiety.

You should never be worried about what others think of you. Anxiety is so common. Most people have experienced it in some way shape or form. Talk about it and get help. It does get better. Remember......You are a normal person going through a hard time. Love yourself:)

I Promise...

I Promise

My promise is simple

My love deep

My devotion strong

I promise love;

love in good

love in bad

love in crazy

I promise friendship;

  A friend to talk

A friend to laugh

A friend to cry

I promise faith;

Faith throughout trials

Faith in God

Faith in you

Faith in us

I promise to understand;

Understand, that life is what we make of it

Understand, that love is unconditional

Understand, when things just don't make sense

I promise a Lifetime;

A lifetime of challenges

A lifetime of memories

A lifetime of increasing love for you

Finally, I promise Eternity;

Eternally true

Eternally loved

Eternally yours

 

                                       
"For anyone who has found their one and only"            By: niki:)

Homeless...

What do you think when you see a homeless person on the streets asking for money? I am a woman doomed to have a guilty conscience. So, if I have money in my purse I will give it to whoever holds up a sign. If  I can't help that way, I might buy them a meal or give them a blanket. Doesn't matter what they look like, act like, or even if they've been there for three months holding the same sign...I'm gonna give them money. This drives my husband crazy. I know what a lot of people think. They think, "He's using it on drugs or alcohol." and I don't blame anyone for thinking that. (a lot of the time it is true). But, How do you know who needs it and who doesn't? Unless you have time to do detective work, you don't know. My philosophy, "Better safe than sorry". That may not be yours, but like I said, I am a woman cursed with a guilty conscience. Kirt was determined to cure me of this.

One day, years ago, Kirt and I went to California for a vacation with some friends. We decided to go to Tijuana, Mexico to shop for some good deals. We got there early and all the girls were told not to give any money away. If we did we could run the risk of having a swarm of kids follow us through town the entire time we were there. Right when we got into town, the cutest little boy came to us. He could only have been 5. Nothing was said but the word "please". He held his tiny fingers out and I noticed the boy was very dirty and his clothes had holes everywhere. My heart sank. I went to dig in my purse but was cautioned against it. They didn't want to cause a swarm of kids coming around us when we had just arrived. My eyes filled with tears but I listened and took my hand out of my purse. I smiled at the boy. His face is still imprinted in my brain. He looked at me and his eyes sank. His eyes were a beautiful dark brown that touched my heart. 6 adults and one child. I could tell the boy was tired. He slowly walked away. He went over to his mother sitting not far from us and sank deep into her chest. The mother held him while he cried.

I turned away with tears streaming down my face I went to finish the shopping that seemed so pointless now. We were there for a couple of hours and I did not see one child. No one asked us for money. Just the little boy from earlier. I was so upset. Kirt gave in. It wasn't worth the fight. I would win so he just said, "Go find him".

As we were leaving, I searched for the boy. I was ready to give him some money. There was no curing me. I'm doomed to give money away whenever possible. I went to the place where we first saw him. He was nowhere to be found. My heart sank. I searched for 15 minutes but I could not find him. He was gone. I cried all the way back to the hotel. My guilty conscience was going to be the end of me.

Here's what I think when I see a homeless person. I think, that is someone's son. That is someone's daughter. What would I hope for if my son were on the streets and needed help? I would hope they gave him the benefit of the doubt.

I think of Jesse and not knowing where he is. Every time I give someone money I think of him. Most likely he is dead and I'm not ever going to see him in this lifetime. But, if he was alive and he did need help and food. If he was alone and afraid. I pray every night that someone would give him a warm meal. Someone would give him shelter. Someone would give him the benefit of the doubt. 

I think of the mother's out there that could have that same prayer for their child who is on the streets. Praying that someone could help them and give them hope. I may give my money to a the wrong person but I never want to risk not giving it to the right person. I can't judge who needs help. All I can do is help when I can. In return I hope that if Jesse or someone like Jesse ever needed help, they would see past the dirty clothes and ragged appearance and help him.

Help when you can.....you never know if they are the one a family is missing.