Facing My Demons

My New Year's resolution was, for once, not to loose weight. It was to face my demons. I know I have mentioned this before. I have just felt my demons around me a little more this week.

I shut god out of my life for so long I sometimes think I have forgotten how to pray. I sometimes feel scared to pray. Like somehow I will be rejected by the one person who has always been there for me. I know I  have felt alone and afraid. I know I have felt completely abandoned. I know on the days I didn't get up in the morning he carried me through the day and into the night. I know he has been there for me even when I didn't ask him to be.

Prayer is one of my demons. I need god in my life. Spirituality is the key to my inner happiness. There is always a voice telling me I am not good enough. Not good enough to pray that day. Too tired, too sad, too upset. In this process I realized prayer wasn't one of my demons, Prayer is my saving grace.

That "Voice" is one of my demons. That voice tells me I can't do the things deep down I know I can. That voice discourages me not to leave the house and makes my day a living nightmare. That voice is poison and I listen to it more often than I should. That voice has, surprisingly, made me strong.

Strength. That voice has given me strength. That voice has literally given me a pair of boxing gloves and put me in the ring of the most difficult circumstances and made me face them. Made me stare at them. Made me fight them. I have learned I may loose my footing, I may have gotten knocked down, but if I endure and keep fighting, in the end, I always win.

When I hear that voice telling me I am not good enough, I can swing back and do something amazing. Like love my kids unconditionally.  When that voice tells me I look like crap and it is not even worth getting dressed for the day, I can give it an upper cut and get ready for the day and take the kids to play at the park. Little things to fight back the thoughts can move mountains. When the voice tells me I am fat and says I shouldn't be seen on public. I make a swift high kick to their stomach and that voice is one their knees. I am out with my friends for dinner having a blast. Fighting back all the thoughts I have and never giving in to the thought that I am not good enough for anything feels amazing.  Thinking I am not good enough is simply untrue. Fighting back feels absolutely amazing! (Kick boxing classes are a great way to blow off steam.)

Endurance. Endurance is my life's fatigue. I hear "Endure to the end" and I think we are on this road trip that never ends. ARE WE THERE YET??? I now say, "Endure the minute, then the hour, then the day. Tomorrow will be better". Being positive in the moment is so much better than enduring to the end. We get there one step at a time. Moment by moment. Seeing the picture piece by piece. The Masterpiece is always in the making. Always in the process. I just have to enjoy the work.

Work. I have worked approximately nine years raising my kids and a single statement from my four year old little boy has given me fuel for the next nine years. I was laying next to my little Landon and as he was falling asleep he slowly closed his eyes and softly smiled. He brushed his tiny hand across my face and looked up at me with his brilliant blue eyes that melt my heart. He slowly said, "Mommy, you are the best mommy I ever had!" I was so surprised. I didn't even tell him to say that. NO COACHING INVOLVED!!!! Absolutely voluntary!! Love that little boy. I have fuel for life with that statement!!! That is why I am here. Those kids are my world.

For some reason or another, life has its ups and its downs. Sometimes I know why and sometimes I just can't put my finger on it. Demons or not, I have to think I get stronger each time I am put in that boxing ring. Not matter how many times I get knocked down, the point is.....I get up. Doesn't matter how, doesn't matter that it wasn't pretty, it just matters that I did.

Get up, look it in the eyes, and beat the $#%$#%$ out of it!