ADDICTION!!!

ADDICTION DISCLAIMER:
          As alway this is my blog, my opinion, and my silly way of venting on life's twists and turns. I truly am so sorry if I offend ANYONE. But, let's just be honest....it's your fault you keep reading;)

Ever since I can remember I have struggled with addiction in one way or another. In my battle with addiction I have learned that most addicts have the same problem. They struggle with what most of us struggle with....balancing life.  Instead of reaching out for help, they turn to something unhealthy to help them cope with life. 

When I say "unhealthy" I mean ANYTHING used in EXCESS and for the wrong reasons. So let's get into the fun stuff shall we???

"Hi. My name is Niki and I am an addict." WOW. That sucked and feels good to say all at the same time. I am addicted to food.......OK---I bet you thought I was going to say drugs or alcohol, but, let me explain...

I think addiction is so much more than using drugs, drinking alcohol, or taking pills. For me it is 100% emotional.

Since I have started this blog I have been completely open and honest about all of my struggles. Depression, anxiety, suicide, guilt, grief, pain, loss, and now addiction. This all seems like such a long list but, I can honestly sit back and smile right now and tell you I am happy and in a really great place. I only am able to share my thoughts because I was able to get help from the professionals I so desperately needed.

I knew my eating was either out of control or simply non-existent. I know I have a warped body image of myself. Despite knowing I have a warped perception of myself  hasn't stopped me from struggling with bulimia and anorexia. (those are 2 completely different posts.) Never in my life would I have thought to treat my eating like an addiction. Until one day I was listening to a woman speak and she stated that she was addicted to food. I thought to myself, "Ummmmmm.......of course you are, you idiot!! If you weren't, you'd be dead." Then she explained something I will never forget. She looked down and said, "I don't eat when I'm hungry, in fact, I don't even know what hungry feels like anymore. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm mad. I eat when I'm depressed. I eat  to hide what I am feeling. Food is my comfort. Food has always been there for me." I looked at her and her eyes began to tear up. I realized mine had too. She spoke again, "Food is always there for me when I need it, food never lets me down, food never judged me for my weaknesses.I eat so I don't have to feel the pain anymore." I hugged her for a very long time. I cried with her until it was time for us to part ways. As she left I didn't see the same person. She was beautiful. How did I not see this before? I realized it was because  I was seeing her. Not the outer shell of the person she was,  but her.

I thought A LONG TIME about what she said to me. How many of us have addictions and we don't even realize it? I realized my stresses and struggles were not as different than the other people taking drugs and alcohol and using pills to "numb" the pain they are going through. Of course I realize drugs are illegal and I'm not justifying anyone's actions. I am simply stating that abuse is abuse. An addict is an addict. We all need support. We all need love. The last thing we need.....others judgement

There is a family that we know of who has had more than their fair share of trials. (In truth, this story is a big reason as to why I have not blogged as much as I usually do.) I like  to think I'm pretty accepting of  other peoples' life style's and beliefs. So when I hear stories like this it makes me so sad.  

This particular family had a daughter who was 18 and committed suicide 1 year ago today. Needless to say, they were having a bad day. A lot of people just don't know what to say in those situations. I don't blame them for feeling awkward. I would too. But WHATEVER you do, don't go out of your way to avoid them!!!
 If  you think they won't notice....think again.

A lady went out of her way to offer any comfort she could on such a difficult day. Onlookers saw this gesture and later came up to the woman who had  offered comfort and stated that they could not believe she was talking to the other woman. Due to the ladys' background and current problems she was quite the "downer" to be around. People did not want to be around her. She was not the easiest person to get along with but was someone who needed a friend desperately. This family  had many problems ranging from drug abuse, addiction, and suicide. 

I was so disappointed that people would prejudge her because of her family situation. Even if someone is struggling  with those things we should be ready and willing to help if we are able. I totally get if, mentally, you just can't handle them. But, if it is a convenience thing......that's just sad. This family also has another teenager struggling with depression , addiction, and attempted suicide. I would think that the opposite  would have happened. People would want to help. People would want to  go out of their way to say hello. I was wrong. 

I have learned you can't control what life gives you. Life is always a big adventure waiting to happen. BUT, you can control how you respond to what life gives you .I have said this before and I will say it again, I have a fabulous group of girlfriends. There is not one person who pretends to have it all together. I love it. Had I not had the support from them and my best friend Kirt, I would not be here today. 

Addiction is way of coping, I have found if I would just face my demons and not use my addictiom to bock out my problem it made my life better. Facing your demons seems so much harder than it relly is.

When it comes to addiction, you are blocking something out. You are hiding from something. There is something you do not want to deal with. If you are an addict you are prolonging the inevitable. One day you will have to face your demons. 

Well ladies and gentlemen........as I have said before, This is the year I am facing my demons! One of them is my addiction to food.

Kirt and I are in a friendly competition of loosing weight the "HEALTHY" way.  If kirt wins he gets what every guy wants every day, for an entire month!!!...............................................................
YES LADIES  THAT IS MOTIVATION FOR ME!!! I HAVE TO WIN!!! I AM NOT UP FOR THAT!! If I win, I get a lump of cash that I can spend on ANYTHING! No questions asked. Can you imagine the possibilities??? Needless to say, Kirt is pretty motivated too. He is pretty scared as to what I might buy. A trip, a cruise, or maybe......BOOBS!!!  Hahahahahah!!!!  NO...... Kidding...........I guess time will tell;)

In all seriousness, addiction is so common and some of us may not even realize we are addicted. Moderation in all things. Striving to find balance in life and that inner peace. I love that I have an awesome family and extended family. They love me through the good, the bad, the crazy, and the fun. Don't push people away, let people in. Be more open about your problems and others will about theirs. You will find better truer friends that way. 

 Live your best life, Laugh with true friends, Love Yourself                         niki