This post is dedicated to my cute cousin Corie....I seriously don't know how you do it!!
I live in Mama Town USA. The moms out here are fabulous!!! How do they do it all? I am popping energy drinks left and right just trying to keep up with my crazy boys. I talk to so many women who volunteer for the school PTA and each child's classroom. On top of that they are the appointed soccer mom, on the school board, do crafts everyday with their kids, eat only organic food, and I think some of them can even fly.
Why do I care??? I constantly find myself comparing me to them. How does she do it all? Where was I when mom of the year lessons were going on? I am always forgetting things, dang it! Well ladies and gentlemen if you are new to the blog, lets just say I don't always have things together.
I will often ask my kids, "what is mommy best at?" and they have the answer memorized, they will say in unison, "forgetting things." Of course they smile and think it is funny but sometimes I really bother myself with how forgetful I can be. I forget doctors appointments, I forget dance lessons, I forget soccer games......I'm a walking forgetting mess. I listened to my friend tell me how she was so upset she was at herself for forgetting her child's Dr. appt. (Because she forgot they ended up being a little late.) I bit my lip and smiled. I thought, "Wow. I must really be a bad mom. First, I am ecstatic that I remembered the appt. 2nd, if we are on time......wait that NEVER happens.
Today was a cleaning day. Landon and Beckham stayed in their jammies all day. Did I feel bad? Yes. Why? Because everybody else dresses their kids and does their hair perfectly, everyday. (NOT!) I need to keep up appearances. What would they think of me if my house was a mess and my kids were in their jammies???
I find myself in the same cycle every mother can easily find herself in. The comparing game. Here's how it works: I compare your greatest strengths to my weaknesses. They win every time. Why do I care? I used to be so confident. Now I've got four little children running around and I think, "What am I doing? I don't know how to be a mother?" I need lessons. Not the ones they can actually teach in class.....I need individual lessons for each one of MY children. They are all so different and respond so opposite to each other depending on the latest technique I've read about.
I can't read the "be a better mommy" books. Why? Because when I read it all I think is, "I'm doing everything wrong!! I really am a crappy mommy". So when someone asks me if I have read one of those evil books I say, "No. Although, I did read all the Harry Potter and Twilight books. They were awesome!" I get weird looks and I can't imagine why.....ha!
To all you mothers out there.....WHY DO WE CARE??? I'm never going to win if I compare myself to you. I'm cruel about myself and think the world of others. It is a lose lose situation. As I sit and look at my cute kids I think. What do I do right? I play with them everyday. (I'm a little kid trapped in an adults body.) I give them hugs when they are sad, I laugh with them when they are funny, and I love them unconditionally. They are my world. That is priceless. No book can teach you how to give hugs and show love. We have that naturally programmed into us. When your child was born you became an amazing mother. You love them and are there when they need you. That is all that matters. The greatest gifts we can receive in this life are completely free. No missed doctor's appt. or soccer game will take that away.
Give yourself a break. You are trying your best. Who cares if your house is a little messy and the kids aren't completely ready for the day. Did you love them today? Yes? Well then, you have just made their day. Kids are so simple. Don't make it complicated. If I walk in someone's house and it is messy, I love them so much more. I think, "OH! She is human. She doesn't always have things perfect".
Lets get real. I feel like a walking disaster waiting to happen. I walk into a grocery store (Wal mart) and I swear the kids plan the attack in the car. As we walk in, all four children sprint in 4 different directions. The next thing I know the clothing rack is on top of Beckham, Chase and Landon have found their 12 pack of pop they want me to buy, and lexi is running back with a dress she has to have. In 3 minutes I have had it and am leaving while the entire store stares as the crazy woman with 4 children walks out.
Don't compare your weaknesses to others strengths. I have found that if you just talk to them they think the same thing you think of them. HOW DO YOU DO IT???
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Words Left Unsaid Hurt The Very Most...
My Hero
By Jenna Pinegar
Everyone says you don't know what you have til it's lost... Well, I did. I was the little sister that annoyed, bugged and teased until Jess would push me off of him in the high school hallways yelling "JENNA! I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND! STOP HUGGING ME!" I couldn't help it. I adored my brother.
Sundays were my favorite day of the week. Jesse would pound on my bedroom door making the most obnoxious sounds followed by me jumping on him saying hello and us going up to dinner with our amazing family. He fiddled on the piano and I made up songs. I knew life would never get better than those moments. I took in the time we had together because it was about those little moments and I loved every second.
I was the last to talk to my brother. I remember all of us passing the phone around like we did occasionally while he was in Hawaii. He called a lot while he was there because he got lonely. A few times a week we talked a couple times a day. Our last conversation was sweet and I don't regret a thing-only that I can't say it again and again. Jesse told me he was going on one more hike and he would be back in a week. I told him I loved him like crazy. "You're my hero, Jess. I love you so dang much-you have no idea." Jesse just laughed at me, but I meant it.
That moment still echoes in my memory. I still hold onto it. Jesse has been my hero since I was a little kid. I have looked up to him all my life. What do you do when it all slips through your fingers? When your life shatters right before your eyes and you have no answers?
I felt a change as the week went on. Something was wrong. I had nightmares. I told my sister, Niki, and she had them, too. And you know the story from there.
Time has passed and the pain is not any less. I still hurt everyday. I miss my superman, but his memory gets me through the ache and I somehow make it. I can hear him in the back of my mind telling me it really isn't that bad.
I lost one of my best friends. Literally. LOST. Where he went, I do not know. But I hope if anyone gets anything from this it's that you take the moments you have with people you love and savor them because you may lose them. Overuse the words "I love you." Tell people how incredible you think they are. Words left unsaid hurt the very most.
I miss my Jesse. I always will... But in the moments spent with him I found that you can truly be grateful for what you have and never want anything else. And if I had one wish--it would be to have him back.
Thanks for reading.
Jenna
Post Pardum Depression and the Robot
I have been in contact with my cute cousin and realized how much this subject needs talked about. This is dedicated to my mommy who is the best example of a mother. She never gives up, she is constantly there for you, and loves you unconditionally. This is my personal experience with post pardum depression. It is brutely honest but meant for the purpose to help others to start the conversation. Do not read this post if you do not want want to hear me speak bluntly. Do not read if you are a younger reader. I'm going to put a little disclaimer that after you read this I hope you don't think less of me but simply think I was a normal person going through some really crappy things and didn't handle them well and didn't do what a lot of us don't do. I didn't ask for help. Speak out and get help. There should be no shame in getting help. I was ashamed and nearly died from PPD. I am so scared to share this, but if this helps one person then it will be worth it. So here goes.....
I'm a happy person. I love to laugh. I love people. I love to joke around and have fun with friends. NEVER in my life would I have thought I would struggle with depression. Let alone right after having a baby. A miracle I had looked forward to my entire life. I had 3 children and had had post pardum before. Each baby I had, it got worse. My husband and I's marriage had also struggled through the first year of each baby as well. Not terribly, but enough that it made him terrified to ever have another child each time we did end up having one.
Right after I had my third baby Landon, Jesse went missing two weeks later. I was obviously beyond depressed about that but add post pardum depression to that and you have a recipe for disaster....
I actually thought this time around I was doing pretty well. I wasn't as depressed as I was with previous babies and was loving little baby landon. When news spread about Jesse going missing the floor seemed to shatter beneath me. I usually get post pardum for a number of reasons but I have found that being inside so much drives me crazy! I love the outdoors and love to run. Take those endorphins away and I'm a mess. I need that release. But, I'm a worrier. I worry about everything. I don't want my kids to get sick when they are first born and I never want to leave their side until they are at least six months old. I am torn between both wants and needs. I end up staying inside the house for weeks at a time taking care of kids and forget about leaving the house and before I know it, I've been inside the house for 3 weeks and I'm really stir crazy. Depression sets in and it takes a while to pull myself out of it. By the time I'm depressed I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to see anyone. Not because I don't like people but because I know I'd be no fun to be around and the thought of leaving the house is overwhelming. Getting dressed for the day feels overwhelming. I could dress the kids and take care of them but as for me.....forget it.
I felt so dark inside. I didn't want to be near myself. I would cry alone a lot. My thoughts were not good ones. They were ones of self hatred and feelings of little self worth. I thought my kids deserved a better mother and my husband a better wife.
Soon I felt like a robot. I would get up in the morning feed the kids, turn on some cartoons and stare at the wall. I remember one day lexi was calling my name and it sounded like she was so far away. I knew she wasn't. She was standing right in front of me. I had been staring at the wall for I don't know how long, and she had been asking me the same question over and over. I just couldn't understand the question. It was like I was floating above her and seeing this exchange between her and I happen but I was not present for the conversation. I kept trying to answer but I just kept staring. Finally she clapped her hands right in front of me and I blinked. I was suddenly back into reality. I looked at her and started crying. My poor little girl. So little. She was Jesse's favorite, she missed him too. I didn't know what to do or say. I never thought in a million years I would face these kind of challenges. I couldn't function. I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her so much. But I was still a program running on auto. I was in survival mode. I didn't know any other way and I was too proud to ask for help even though I desperately needed it.
That same year I got a terrible MRSA infection. This infection nearly killed me. After 2 surgeries and being on IV medication. I was sleeping most of the day. I had a PICC line in my right arm and the infection was in my left arm and had gotten into my lymph nodes. (that's bad) I was really sick and kirt was now Mr. Mom. The kids would no longer go to me because they had to be very careful when they were around me and we had to make sure they were cleaned thoroughly after they touched me so they wouldn't get infected either. MRSA is basically a staff infection that is resistant to a lot of antibiotics and is very hard to get rid of and has been known to kill a lot of people. I was very lucky to be alive. After I got news I needed a third surgery, I became even more depressed than before. It had now been 3 months of me sick with the infection, 3 months of me laying in bed on IV medication, and I had missed three months of my newborns life. I felt like the worst mother ever.
I had gotten to the point where I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was completely useless. I felt like EVERYONE would be better off without me. I was in such a dark place. I have so much empathy for those who have committed suicide or have attempted suicide. If I can say one thing.....I was not in my right frame of mind. I was severely depressed and my thoughts were not my own. Something else was there too. Something was telling me I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve to be happy. I didn't deserve to live. It would be a relief if I was just done with this life. I have heard people say "Suicide is such a selfish thing for someone to do to their family." From someone who has been there, I believe most people's intentions are never selfish. They truly believe life would be better without them in it. They are such tortured souls. To hate yourself that much that you would go as far as to kill yourself. It is the worst feeling I have ever felt and I am so grateful I only felt it for a short time. Had I felt it for years I don't know how I would handle it. Not to say that I think committing suicide is ok. I definitely don't think it is ok. I have just found that as soon as I judge someone on something I end up doing the exact same thing they did or worse. Never judge, or it comes back to bite with a vengeance.
So I was that person. I said suicide was selfish. I said suicide was meant to hurt others. Here's the "comes back to bite with a vengeance" .
After being depressed for six months with post pardum and Jesse missing, then being sick for 3 of those six months, I had had it. I was on so many antibiotics I couldn't even keep them straight. We kept trying new ones to see if they worked. I thought it was never going to end. I just kept getting more and more depressed. (later we found out from our pharmacist that the medication I was on actually ate up all other medication I was taking. That meant all depression medicine. It was as if I just stopped taking my depression medicine cold turkey.) That was why I kept getting more and more depressed. My mind began to think horrible things about myself. I hated myself and began not wanting to live anymore. (I am not proud of any of this. This is the hardest thing I have ever done is write this post and I still don't know if I will have the courage, strength, or whatever you need to post this.) I truly was a robot. I did not think or feel anything towards the end. Everything was a task I needed to finish. I knew I thought life would be better without me so I knew what I needed to do next....
I got some pills and crushed them up. I had a PICC line. (That is basically and IV line that goes all the way up to your heart.) They give those for long term IV needs. Since I needed IV antibiotics 2 times a day for 3 months I was a good candidate. I knew the dose I crushed up was a lethal amount. I also knew that you NEVER crush up pills and put them in your IV. I figured if the dose didn't kill me the clot would. I was so lucky. I was not thinking clearly. The most likely that would have happened is that I would have had severe brain damage. I never thought that. I just can't believe how lucky I was.
Now as I said before, My thoughts were not my own. I truly was numb. No feelings were left. I just had one last task to fulfill in this life and I was done. I didn't want to be alive. I was a burden to my husband, I was a terrible mother, and I couldn't stand myself. I wanted Kirt to remarry and be happy. I wanted the kids to have a good mother. I truly thought this was the only way. Kirt had no idea I was even feeling this way. I faked that I was so happy till the last day. No one would've guessed I was so depressed. I didn't want anyone to know. I wanted to keep up "the act". By the way---don't ever try to keep up the act, that will just make things worse. Be yourself and love who you are. Being your authentic you is so much better than fake you.
SO, I crushed up the pills mixed them with saline and pushed them through my IV they had put in my hand the night before. I was done. But just as soon as I pushed the pills through, my vein burst and the mixture went into my hand. I soon developed a clot from my hand all the way up to my shoulder. I was alive. The mixture slowly dissolved in my body and needless to say my medical record is forever ruined. I was yelled at by countless doctors and my husband was devastated. I felt terrible. Worse than terrible; humiliated, awful, stupid, horrible, sorry. I felt so ashamed. What was I thinking??? I need help. That is when we found out the medicine I was taking cancelled out my depression medicine. Wow. If I could take that back I would.
Things are so much better now and we did even have another baby. Depression is a real thing and post pardum depression can be very scary. I know I had unique circumstances, but doesn't everyone? Everybody's story is different but we all need the same thing....help. We need to talk about it and forget this "super mom" thing. If we were all honest I think we could all learn a lot from each other. I've got a great group of girl friends that are irreplaceable and it is all because we are completely honest with each other. Nobody has it all together. If they say they do, they are lying:)
Please take this post for what it was meant for. It is meant to help others decide to get help. There is no shame admitting you can't do things by yourself. There are so many people who are judgmental. Please don't let you be one of them. Like I said before, I was one of them and It came back to bite me with a vengeance. I now know and understand so much more about depression and suicide. These things can be treated and there is hope. I am on the other side of it and I do wake up in the morning and think, "I'm excited to start the day." You can get there too. You are not you when you are depressed or suicidal and you can get help to think clearly again. There is a life after depression. Please don't give up. Life is so worth the effort.
I'm a happy person. I love to laugh. I love people. I love to joke around and have fun with friends. NEVER in my life would I have thought I would struggle with depression. Let alone right after having a baby. A miracle I had looked forward to my entire life. I had 3 children and had had post pardum before. Each baby I had, it got worse. My husband and I's marriage had also struggled through the first year of each baby as well. Not terribly, but enough that it made him terrified to ever have another child each time we did end up having one.
Right after I had my third baby Landon, Jesse went missing two weeks later. I was obviously beyond depressed about that but add post pardum depression to that and you have a recipe for disaster....
I actually thought this time around I was doing pretty well. I wasn't as depressed as I was with previous babies and was loving little baby landon. When news spread about Jesse going missing the floor seemed to shatter beneath me. I usually get post pardum for a number of reasons but I have found that being inside so much drives me crazy! I love the outdoors and love to run. Take those endorphins away and I'm a mess. I need that release. But, I'm a worrier. I worry about everything. I don't want my kids to get sick when they are first born and I never want to leave their side until they are at least six months old. I am torn between both wants and needs. I end up staying inside the house for weeks at a time taking care of kids and forget about leaving the house and before I know it, I've been inside the house for 3 weeks and I'm really stir crazy. Depression sets in and it takes a while to pull myself out of it. By the time I'm depressed I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to see anyone. Not because I don't like people but because I know I'd be no fun to be around and the thought of leaving the house is overwhelming. Getting dressed for the day feels overwhelming. I could dress the kids and take care of them but as for me.....forget it.
I felt so dark inside. I didn't want to be near myself. I would cry alone a lot. My thoughts were not good ones. They were ones of self hatred and feelings of little self worth. I thought my kids deserved a better mother and my husband a better wife.
Soon I felt like a robot. I would get up in the morning feed the kids, turn on some cartoons and stare at the wall. I remember one day lexi was calling my name and it sounded like she was so far away. I knew she wasn't. She was standing right in front of me. I had been staring at the wall for I don't know how long, and she had been asking me the same question over and over. I just couldn't understand the question. It was like I was floating above her and seeing this exchange between her and I happen but I was not present for the conversation. I kept trying to answer but I just kept staring. Finally she clapped her hands right in front of me and I blinked. I was suddenly back into reality. I looked at her and started crying. My poor little girl. So little. She was Jesse's favorite, she missed him too. I didn't know what to do or say. I never thought in a million years I would face these kind of challenges. I couldn't function. I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her so much. But I was still a program running on auto. I was in survival mode. I didn't know any other way and I was too proud to ask for help even though I desperately needed it.
That same year I got a terrible MRSA infection. This infection nearly killed me. After 2 surgeries and being on IV medication. I was sleeping most of the day. I had a PICC line in my right arm and the infection was in my left arm and had gotten into my lymph nodes. (that's bad) I was really sick and kirt was now Mr. Mom. The kids would no longer go to me because they had to be very careful when they were around me and we had to make sure they were cleaned thoroughly after they touched me so they wouldn't get infected either. MRSA is basically a staff infection that is resistant to a lot of antibiotics and is very hard to get rid of and has been known to kill a lot of people. I was very lucky to be alive. After I got news I needed a third surgery, I became even more depressed than before. It had now been 3 months of me sick with the infection, 3 months of me laying in bed on IV medication, and I had missed three months of my newborns life. I felt like the worst mother ever.
I had gotten to the point where I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was completely useless. I felt like EVERYONE would be better off without me. I was in such a dark place. I have so much empathy for those who have committed suicide or have attempted suicide. If I can say one thing.....I was not in my right frame of mind. I was severely depressed and my thoughts were not my own. Something else was there too. Something was telling me I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve to be happy. I didn't deserve to live. It would be a relief if I was just done with this life. I have heard people say "Suicide is such a selfish thing for someone to do to their family." From someone who has been there, I believe most people's intentions are never selfish. They truly believe life would be better without them in it. They are such tortured souls. To hate yourself that much that you would go as far as to kill yourself. It is the worst feeling I have ever felt and I am so grateful I only felt it for a short time. Had I felt it for years I don't know how I would handle it. Not to say that I think committing suicide is ok. I definitely don't think it is ok. I have just found that as soon as I judge someone on something I end up doing the exact same thing they did or worse. Never judge, or it comes back to bite with a vengeance.
So I was that person. I said suicide was selfish. I said suicide was meant to hurt others. Here's the "comes back to bite with a vengeance" .
After being depressed for six months with post pardum and Jesse missing, then being sick for 3 of those six months, I had had it. I was on so many antibiotics I couldn't even keep them straight. We kept trying new ones to see if they worked. I thought it was never going to end. I just kept getting more and more depressed. (later we found out from our pharmacist that the medication I was on actually ate up all other medication I was taking. That meant all depression medicine. It was as if I just stopped taking my depression medicine cold turkey.) That was why I kept getting more and more depressed. My mind began to think horrible things about myself. I hated myself and began not wanting to live anymore. (I am not proud of any of this. This is the hardest thing I have ever done is write this post and I still don't know if I will have the courage, strength, or whatever you need to post this.) I truly was a robot. I did not think or feel anything towards the end. Everything was a task I needed to finish. I knew I thought life would be better without me so I knew what I needed to do next....
I got some pills and crushed them up. I had a PICC line. (That is basically and IV line that goes all the way up to your heart.) They give those for long term IV needs. Since I needed IV antibiotics 2 times a day for 3 months I was a good candidate. I knew the dose I crushed up was a lethal amount. I also knew that you NEVER crush up pills and put them in your IV. I figured if the dose didn't kill me the clot would. I was so lucky. I was not thinking clearly. The most likely that would have happened is that I would have had severe brain damage. I never thought that. I just can't believe how lucky I was.
Now as I said before, My thoughts were not my own. I truly was numb. No feelings were left. I just had one last task to fulfill in this life and I was done. I didn't want to be alive. I was a burden to my husband, I was a terrible mother, and I couldn't stand myself. I wanted Kirt to remarry and be happy. I wanted the kids to have a good mother. I truly thought this was the only way. Kirt had no idea I was even feeling this way. I faked that I was so happy till the last day. No one would've guessed I was so depressed. I didn't want anyone to know. I wanted to keep up "the act". By the way---don't ever try to keep up the act, that will just make things worse. Be yourself and love who you are. Being your authentic you is so much better than fake you.
SO, I crushed up the pills mixed them with saline and pushed them through my IV they had put in my hand the night before. I was done. But just as soon as I pushed the pills through, my vein burst and the mixture went into my hand. I soon developed a clot from my hand all the way up to my shoulder. I was alive. The mixture slowly dissolved in my body and needless to say my medical record is forever ruined. I was yelled at by countless doctors and my husband was devastated. I felt terrible. Worse than terrible; humiliated, awful, stupid, horrible, sorry. I felt so ashamed. What was I thinking??? I need help. That is when we found out the medicine I was taking cancelled out my depression medicine. Wow. If I could take that back I would.
Things are so much better now and we did even have another baby. Depression is a real thing and post pardum depression can be very scary. I know I had unique circumstances, but doesn't everyone? Everybody's story is different but we all need the same thing....help. We need to talk about it and forget this "super mom" thing. If we were all honest I think we could all learn a lot from each other. I've got a great group of girl friends that are irreplaceable and it is all because we are completely honest with each other. Nobody has it all together. If they say they do, they are lying:)
Please take this post for what it was meant for. It is meant to help others decide to get help. There is no shame admitting you can't do things by yourself. There are so many people who are judgmental. Please don't let you be one of them. Like I said before, I was one of them and It came back to bite me with a vengeance. I now know and understand so much more about depression and suicide. These things can be treated and there is hope. I am on the other side of it and I do wake up in the morning and think, "I'm excited to start the day." You can get there too. You are not you when you are depressed or suicidal and you can get help to think clearly again. There is a life after depression. Please don't give up. Life is so worth the effort.
Monday, February 4, 2013
My Brother Darren....Missing (Part 1)
Posted by Sarah
I am the long lost roommate of Niki. I was so overjoyed to come in contact with
her again after almost 10 years, and also heart broken when she told me of her
brother who has been missing for five years.
The story hit close to me.
Missing…..I have openly told my husband that word is the
worst case scenario. Not knowing where a
loved one is has been one of my worst fears.
I never thought it would happen to me.
The odds are against it.
Two years ago my husband’s brother Darren went missing in Brazil . He had served a 2 year mission for the Church
of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and wanted to go back and visit. I considered him one of my best friends and
was so happy to have him in my life. I
received a facebook message in broken English from a man in Brazil asking
if I knew where Darren was. For a moment
I thought it was a ransom letter. I was
filled with terror and quickly called Darren’s brother to find out what was
going on.
I was told Darren had been missing for three days and only a
few people knew. At the place he was
staying at a man there noticed he didn't return one night. Darren had told the man he was going on a
hike. Those who knew Darren would not be
surprised that he just stayed in the mountains and camped there. But when I got off the phone I broke into
tears. I hoped for the best but
immediately started to try to prepare for the worst. What if we never found him? What if that was the end?
Day four, five, six rolled by and by this time all of the
family knew about it and our hopes were diminishing. I cried myself to sleep every night, and
found it hard to eat. I had a constant
knot in my stomach, and Darren was in the back of my mind constantly. We all felt helpless. How could we even begin to start looking for
him when he was in a different country?
The not knowing began to torture all those who loved
him. Was he being beaten and hurt? Was
he suffering somewhere in the wilderness?
And I shuttered to think that he might not be here anymore. He could be dead.
We found out that some people in Brazil had started to put posters
up with his pictures and try to find him.
Some people in my family were trying to figure out if they could go and
help out. The days blurred together and
we found out a body had been found five days after Darren had gone missing near
the hike he was on. The description of
the clothing clarified our worst nightmare.
Brazilian authorities wanted dental records to confirm that
it was Darren. I found myself still
trying to believe it was not him, but inside I knew it was. Words cannot express my sorrow. I soon realized that many of my unanswered
questions would never be answered. When
the dental records came back and we knew Darren had passed on, I still didn't want to believe. And yet the only thing
that kept me going is that I knew I would see him again in the next life. I knew he would not be gone forever.
My Brother.......Missing (Part 2)
Posted by Sarah
I realized I have been delaying sitting down to type this
because it is still so hard for me to talk about. I posted the news report about trying to get
Darren’s body home, because honestly I have blocked a lot of the details of
trying to get him home out of my mind.
It seemed easier to deal with that way.
Also I didn't hear all of the details.
I just know that when his body was finally safe on American soil we were
finally able to start our grieving process.
I quickly realized that no one truly close to me had ever
died. All of my grandparents are alive,
and no close friends have ever passed on.
I guess I should have prepared myself for this moment because no one
lives forever, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. And since I am the sister-in-law I don’t think
people realized the agony I was going through.
Prior to Darren’s death my husband asked me who my five best
friends were besides him. He was really
shocked when Darren’s name was on the list.
It was then I realized how close I felt to him. We both were extremely excited about being
entrepreneurs and called each other frequently about all of our ideas.
Prior to him going missing I was going about my daily
business, and trying to finish up a sewing order I had. I was extremely busy, and all day I couldn't get the idea out of my head that I needed to facebook Darren. I kept brushing it aside, and again and again
I felt I needed to post him a message on facebook. I remember laughing to myself because it
seemed so silly that I had to post him today.
I remember telling him how much a missed him, and that I loved him. After he went missing I realized the day I
posted the message would have been the last day he could have looked on his
computer.
After we knew he was gone forever in this life I found it
unable go on my day to day activities that needed to be done. I would roll up in a ball at night and clutch
my stomach because it hurt from holding all of my emotions in. I felt I needed to be a support to my husband
whose brother had just died, but I didn't know how because I wasn't stable.
I remember crying to the Lord like I never had to help our
family, and to help me handle the pain I had.
And then I got to see Darren one last time in my dreams….
I was at his parent’s house and I walked into the
basement. And to my shock Darren was
there standing in the corner smiling at me.
I knew he had died, and so I couldn't believe my eyes. I ran to him and touched him. I could feel his skin, but I still knew he
had passed on. My voice trembled as I
said, “Darren, why did you leave us? We
all miss you so much!” And he said, “I
know Sarah, I miss you and everyone else too, but I am happy. Sarah I am happy.”
At that moment I woke up.
Tears were streaming down my face and felt that I had really just seen
Darren, that I had really just touched his arm.
An overwhelming peace came over me, and I knew at that moment that if
Darren could really talk to me now he would say that he was happy. I knew it with all my heart that he was happy
now, and I knew that I would see him again.
I still miss him horribly and I still cry at times because I
don’t get to see him for a long time.
When we get together as a family there is always a chair missing at the
dinner table, a phone call that I miss at my birthday, and the hug I miss from
him. When I get a great business idea I
have wanted to pick up the phone and call him right away, and then I realize I
can’t. So all though my brother was
found, in all of our hearts he will always be missing from us. My heart goes out to those like Niki who have
never found their loved ones.
Smile:)
I am a hospice practical nurse. Before I became a hospice practical nurse, I was a nurse's aid at a care center. So you can imagine I had my fair share of seeing death at the work place. I have never been scared of death because I have seen so many people die. You would think I would hate my job but I have just loved it. Caring for the sick and dying makes me so happy. I wouldn't want any other job. They teach me new lessons each time I see them.
I have a wide range of friends with very different beliefs about god and if there is an after life or not. If we have life after death. Or a spirit inside our bodies that leaves us when we die. Everything can be such a debate. That is.....until you watch someone die. (Of course this is my blog and as always, completely my opinion.) But I remember so clearly the first time I watched someone die. As they took their last breath I could literally feel a presence leave the room. Obviously the woman's face changed and her hand I was holding no longer held it's grip. But she was no longer there. Skeptics might say that is because her heart stopped but I have felt this every time I have been there when someone has died. The room is filled with their presence and then all of the sudden it feels more empty, cold, and quiet.
I think if we all sat down and thought about it, there is no way you could argue there wasn't something spiritual that left that persons body. Something else brings that body life and makes it shine.
This has been my experience. This has given me great comfort. There is life after death. I will see Jesse again. So many have talked to their loved ones......even shouted at them as to why they had taken so long to come and get them. This always made me laugh. My time already has gone by so fast. I can't believe I have 4 kids. In my mind I'm still a college student.
I smile when I think how good this life has been to me. I have so many things I am grateful for. Had I not gone through the challenges I had gone through; I would not be where I am today. I like where I am today. Although having Jesse back would be freaking awesome! Life doesn't turn out how you plan. The life lessons I learned and am still learning have been amazing. I have learned a genuine smile makes life so much easier to bear and a hug helps warm the soul.
I hope we all take a moment this week to reflect on our own lives and take comfort that we will see our loved ones again. I believe there is life after death. I believe we can find peace. Enjoy your life to it's fullest. Laugh like you've never laughed before, love like you'll never see them again, live like there's no tomorrow.
I have a wide range of friends with very different beliefs about god and if there is an after life or not. If we have life after death. Or a spirit inside our bodies that leaves us when we die. Everything can be such a debate. That is.....until you watch someone die. (Of course this is my blog and as always, completely my opinion.) But I remember so clearly the first time I watched someone die. As they took their last breath I could literally feel a presence leave the room. Obviously the woman's face changed and her hand I was holding no longer held it's grip. But she was no longer there. Skeptics might say that is because her heart stopped but I have felt this every time I have been there when someone has died. The room is filled with their presence and then all of the sudden it feels more empty, cold, and quiet.
I think if we all sat down and thought about it, there is no way you could argue there wasn't something spiritual that left that persons body. Something else brings that body life and makes it shine.
This has been my experience. This has given me great comfort. There is life after death. I will see Jesse again. So many have talked to their loved ones......even shouted at them as to why they had taken so long to come and get them. This always made me laugh. My time already has gone by so fast. I can't believe I have 4 kids. In my mind I'm still a college student.
I smile when I think how good this life has been to me. I have so many things I am grateful for. Had I not gone through the challenges I had gone through; I would not be where I am today. I like where I am today. Although having Jesse back would be freaking awesome! Life doesn't turn out how you plan. The life lessons I learned and am still learning have been amazing. I have learned a genuine smile makes life so much easier to bear and a hug helps warm the soul.
I hope we all take a moment this week to reflect on our own lives and take comfort that we will see our loved ones again. I believe there is life after death. I believe we can find peace. Enjoy your life to it's fullest. Laugh like you've never laughed before, love like you'll never see them again, live like there's no tomorrow.
Friday, February 1, 2013
The Reaction
Throughout this process I have learned so much. Whether someone dies, goes missing, or gets diagnosed with cancer, one thing you can count on is: you will be surprised how some people react. I thought I knew how each person in my family would react in a family crisis. Turns out I was wrong.
I have had a few people really close to me die throughout my life but the two that stick out to me is my step mother carol and my grandpa Ogden.
Today we are going to talk about Carol. Carol was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer about 4 years ago. I have learned since her death how terrible this cancer is and truly wish my reaction to her diagnosis was different. Carol was an angel on earth and she made our family a better one. She made everyone she was around a better person just by being their friend. I wish I had told her this but I loved her for making our family heal from past wounds. She was meant to be married to my father. She made him a better person.
When carol was diagnosed with cancer. I reacted so poorly. I pulled away at first. I was upset but more importantly, I felt helpless. There was nothing I could say or do to make the situation better and it made me so angry. I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. I didn't know what to do so I did nothing. It was the worst feeling in the world and talking to her made me feel guilty.
In the beginning, I pulled away, and in the middle of her sickness I came around more and wanted to help. Towards the end, I pulled away again. It was so hard to see her so sick. I gave into myself to make sure I was comfortable and not the other way around. I should have disregarded my feelings and been honest. That is the point I wanted to talk about.......being honest.
Death and the unknown will happen to us all. It is just a matter of time. Our reaction to it is a complicated one. Depending on the person, you will get two completely different reactions. I have learned each reaction has been meant to have the most sincere intentions, but will not be seen that way. Me pulling away and not being there for carol would appear like I didn't care and wanted nothing to do with the situation. When in reality I cared so much I couldn't even handle the emotions I was feeling. Looking back it is not the best reaction. Pulling away from someone when they are struggling is not what I recommend. You will usually regret it in the end. There is a balance though. You can't loose yourself in their struggles and forget yours.
The same thing happened to us when Jesse went missing. Friends we thought would be there for us weren't, but friends we didn't think would be there for us were. It was fascinating to watch. Even in my own family. I was shocked at who I came to rely on and who I didn't.
It is only now after 5 years I am able to see out of my tiny family of 9....wait huge family of nine, that I am able to see outside of my little family circle of grief. I was so busy being sad about Jesse or puzzled at people's reactions that I didn't take into account that they were hurting too. They were not only hurting for us, but they knew and loved Jesse too. They were missing him. People did not not what to say, do, or think. So they didn't say, do, or think anything. I think that is the worst reaction by far any of us can have in any situation.
ANY reaction is better than NO reaction. Silence is nothing. Silence is a blank wall. Silence will be taken as complete lack of caring. Expression of any kind is better than silence. Be honest. Nothing is worse than when talking to a best friend and silence fill the room like a dark cloud. Silence will start to put gaps in relationships. Be honest. "I don't know what to say to you." is better than nothing at all. If you are angry that this happened, sad, depressed, hurt, etc. I was so happy when one of my friends told me she felt so stupid for saying this but that when she heard all this had happened with Jesse she was just furious. She felt like she had no right to be mad but when she saw me it brought up those feelings so it was hard for her to talk to me. I was glad she was able to put aside her feelings for mine and be there for me. Her honesty was refreshing.
Sometimes it is easier to just not face things. So we pretend like they just didn't happen. I do that all the time. That is how I deal with most situations. I made Kirt go skydiving for my birthday this past year and he worried about it for a month and I just pretended like it wasn't going to happen. It wasn't until we were in the plane I started to get a little panicked. When we jumped out of the plane that is when I screamed, "What in the @$%&$!* was I thinking!!!" Kirt was so jealous I only worried for 7 minutes and not a month. Well that minute and a half free fall was a little freaky too. (I do recommend going.) SO FUN!!
That is how others reacted. They would just assume it didn't happen. I have learned everyone has their own way of coping and sometimes that is all we can do is cope. BUT......if you can, try to put your feelings aside, be honest, start the conversation, and be there for the person who needs it more than you. The last thing you want is to live your life full of regrets. Death, cancer, missing person cases are such a complicated hard thing but one thing they all have in common is: We shouldn't and can't do it alone. Honesty is refreshing and selflessness gets you everywhere.
I have had a few people really close to me die throughout my life but the two that stick out to me is my step mother carol and my grandpa Ogden.
Today we are going to talk about Carol. Carol was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer about 4 years ago. I have learned since her death how terrible this cancer is and truly wish my reaction to her diagnosis was different. Carol was an angel on earth and she made our family a better one. She made everyone she was around a better person just by being their friend. I wish I had told her this but I loved her for making our family heal from past wounds. She was meant to be married to my father. She made him a better person.
When carol was diagnosed with cancer. I reacted so poorly. I pulled away at first. I was upset but more importantly, I felt helpless. There was nothing I could say or do to make the situation better and it made me so angry. I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. I didn't know what to do so I did nothing. It was the worst feeling in the world and talking to her made me feel guilty.
In the beginning, I pulled away, and in the middle of her sickness I came around more and wanted to help. Towards the end, I pulled away again. It was so hard to see her so sick. I gave into myself to make sure I was comfortable and not the other way around. I should have disregarded my feelings and been honest. That is the point I wanted to talk about.......being honest.
Death and the unknown will happen to us all. It is just a matter of time. Our reaction to it is a complicated one. Depending on the person, you will get two completely different reactions. I have learned each reaction has been meant to have the most sincere intentions, but will not be seen that way. Me pulling away and not being there for carol would appear like I didn't care and wanted nothing to do with the situation. When in reality I cared so much I couldn't even handle the emotions I was feeling. Looking back it is not the best reaction. Pulling away from someone when they are struggling is not what I recommend. You will usually regret it in the end. There is a balance though. You can't loose yourself in their struggles and forget yours.
The same thing happened to us when Jesse went missing. Friends we thought would be there for us weren't, but friends we didn't think would be there for us were. It was fascinating to watch. Even in my own family. I was shocked at who I came to rely on and who I didn't.
It is only now after 5 years I am able to see out of my tiny family of 9....wait huge family of nine, that I am able to see outside of my little family circle of grief. I was so busy being sad about Jesse or puzzled at people's reactions that I didn't take into account that they were hurting too. They were not only hurting for us, but they knew and loved Jesse too. They were missing him. People did not not what to say, do, or think. So they didn't say, do, or think anything. I think that is the worst reaction by far any of us can have in any situation.
ANY reaction is better than NO reaction. Silence is nothing. Silence is a blank wall. Silence will be taken as complete lack of caring. Expression of any kind is better than silence. Be honest. Nothing is worse than when talking to a best friend and silence fill the room like a dark cloud. Silence will start to put gaps in relationships. Be honest. "I don't know what to say to you." is better than nothing at all. If you are angry that this happened, sad, depressed, hurt, etc. I was so happy when one of my friends told me she felt so stupid for saying this but that when she heard all this had happened with Jesse she was just furious. She felt like she had no right to be mad but when she saw me it brought up those feelings so it was hard for her to talk to me. I was glad she was able to put aside her feelings for mine and be there for me. Her honesty was refreshing.
Sometimes it is easier to just not face things. So we pretend like they just didn't happen. I do that all the time. That is how I deal with most situations. I made Kirt go skydiving for my birthday this past year and he worried about it for a month and I just pretended like it wasn't going to happen. It wasn't until we were in the plane I started to get a little panicked. When we jumped out of the plane that is when I screamed, "What in the @$%&$!* was I thinking!!!" Kirt was so jealous I only worried for 7 minutes and not a month. Well that minute and a half free fall was a little freaky too. (I do recommend going.) SO FUN!!
That is how others reacted. They would just assume it didn't happen. I have learned everyone has their own way of coping and sometimes that is all we can do is cope. BUT......if you can, try to put your feelings aside, be honest, start the conversation, and be there for the person who needs it more than you. The last thing you want is to live your life full of regrets. Death, cancer, missing person cases are such a complicated hard thing but one thing they all have in common is: We shouldn't and can't do it alone. Honesty is refreshing and selflessness gets you everywhere.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)