Post Pardum Depression and the Robot

           I have been in contact with my cute cousin and realized how much this subject needs talked about. This is dedicated to my mommy who is the best example of a mother. She never gives up, she is constantly there for you, and loves you unconditionally. This is my personal experience with post pardum depression. It is brutely honest but meant for the purpose to help others to start the conversation. Do not read this post if you do not want want to hear me speak bluntly. Do not read if you are a younger reader. I'm going to put a little disclaimer that after you read this I hope you don't think less of me but simply think I was a normal person going through some really crappy things and didn't handle them well and didn't do what a lot of us don't do. I didn't ask for help. Speak out and get help. There should be no shame in getting help. I was ashamed and nearly died from PPD. I am so scared to share this, but if this helps one person then it will be worth it. So here goes.....


        I'm a happy person. I love to laugh. I love people. I love to joke around and have fun with friends. NEVER in my life would I have thought I would struggle with depression. Let alone right after having a baby. A miracle I had looked forward to my entire life. I had 3 children and had had post pardum before. Each baby I had, it got worse. My husband and I's marriage had also struggled through the first year of each baby as well. Not terribly, but enough that it made him terrified to ever have another child each time we did end up having one.
       Right after I had my third baby Landon, Jesse went missing two weeks later. I was obviously beyond depressed about that but add post pardum depression to that and you have a recipe for disaster....
       I actually thought this time around I was doing pretty well. I wasn't as depressed as I was with previous babies and was loving little baby landon. When news spread about Jesse going missing the floor seemed to shatter beneath me. I usually get post pardum for a number of reasons but I have found that being inside so much drives me crazy! I love the outdoors and love to run. Take those endorphins away and I'm a mess. I need that release. But, I'm a worrier. I worry about everything. I don't want my kids to get sick when they are first born and I never want to leave their side until they are at least six months old. I am torn between both wants and needs. I end up staying inside the house for weeks at a time taking care of kids and forget about leaving the house and before I know it, I've been inside the house for 3 weeks and I'm really stir crazy. Depression sets in and it takes a while to pull myself out of it. By the time I'm depressed I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to see anyone. Not because I don't like people but because I know I'd be no fun to be around and the thought of leaving the house is overwhelming. Getting dressed for the day feels overwhelming. I could dress the kids and take care of them but as for me.....forget it.
           I felt so dark inside. I didn't want to be near myself. I would cry alone a lot. My thoughts were not good ones. They were ones of self hatred and feelings of little self worth. I thought my kids deserved a better mother and my husband a better wife.
         Soon I felt like a robot. I would get up in the morning feed the kids, turn on some cartoons and stare at the wall. I remember one day lexi was calling my name and it sounded like she was so far away. I knew she wasn't. She was standing right in front of me. I had been staring at the wall for I don't know how long, and she had been asking me the same question over and over. I just couldn't understand the question. It was like I was floating above her and seeing this exchange between her and I happen but I was not present for the conversation. I kept trying to answer but I just kept staring. Finally she clapped her hands right in front of me and I blinked. I was suddenly back into reality. I looked at her and started crying. My poor little girl. So little. She was Jesse's favorite, she missed him too. I didn't know what to do or say. I never thought in a million years I would face these kind of challenges. I couldn't function. I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her so much. But I was still a program running on auto. I was in survival mode. I didn't know any other way and I was too proud to ask for help even though I desperately needed it.
          That same year I got a terrible MRSA infection. This infection nearly killed me. After 2 surgeries and being on IV medication. I was sleeping most of the day. I had a PICC line in my right arm and the infection was in my left arm and had gotten into my lymph nodes. (that's bad) I was really sick and kirt was now Mr. Mom. The kids would no longer go to me because they had to be very careful when they were around me and we had to make sure they were cleaned thoroughly after they touched me so they wouldn't get infected either. MRSA is basically a staff infection that is resistant to a lot of antibiotics and is very hard to get rid of and has been known to kill a lot of people. I was very lucky to be alive. After I got news I needed a third surgery, I became even more depressed than before. It had now been 3 months of me sick with the infection, 3 months of me laying in bed on IV medication, and I had missed three months of my newborns life. I felt like the worst mother ever.
         I had gotten to the point where I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was completely useless. I felt like EVERYONE would be better off without me. I was in such a dark place. I have so much empathy for those who have committed suicide or have attempted suicide. If I can say one thing.....I was not in my right frame of mind. I was severely depressed and my thoughts were not my own. Something else was there too. Something was telling me I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve to be happy. I didn't deserve to live. It would be a relief if I was just done with this life. I have heard people say "Suicide is such a selfish thing for someone to do to their family." From someone who has been there, I believe most people's intentions are never selfish. They truly believe life would be better without them in it. They are such tortured souls. To hate yourself that much that you would go as far as to kill yourself. It is the worst feeling I have ever felt and I am so grateful I only felt it for a short time. Had I felt it for years I don't know how I would handle it. Not to say that I think committing suicide is ok. I definitely don't think it is ok. I have just found that as soon as I judge someone on something I end up doing the exact same thing they did or worse. Never judge, or it comes back to bite with a vengeance.
      So I was that person. I said suicide was selfish. I said suicide was meant to hurt others. Here's the "comes back to bite with a vengeance" .
     After being depressed for six months with post pardum and Jesse missing, then being sick for 3 of those six months, I had had it. I was on so many antibiotics I couldn't even keep them straight. We kept trying new ones to see if they worked. I thought it was never going to end. I just kept getting more and more depressed. (later we found out from our pharmacist that the medication I was on actually ate up all other medication I was taking. That meant all depression medicine. It was as if I just stopped taking my depression medicine cold turkey.) That was why I kept getting more and more depressed. My mind began to think horrible things about myself. I hated myself and began not wanting to live anymore. (I am not proud of any of this. This is the hardest thing I have ever done is write this post and I still don't know if I will have the courage, strength, or whatever you need to post this.) I truly was a robot. I did not think or feel anything towards the end. Everything was a task I needed to finish. I knew I thought life would be better without me so  I knew what I needed to do next....
         I got some pills and crushed them up. I had a PICC line. (That is basically and IV line that goes all the way up to your heart.) They give those for long term IV needs. Since I needed IV antibiotics 2 times a day for 3 months I was a good candidate. I knew the dose I crushed up was a lethal amount. I also knew that you NEVER crush up pills and put them in your IV. I figured if the dose didn't kill me the clot would. I was so lucky. I was not thinking clearly. The most likely that would have happened is that I would have had severe brain damage. I never thought that. I just can't believe how lucky I was.
      Now as I said before, My thoughts were not my own. I truly was numb. No feelings were left. I just had one last task to fulfill in this life and I was done. I didn't want to be alive. I was a burden to my husband, I was a terrible mother, and I couldn't stand myself. I wanted Kirt to remarry and be happy. I wanted the kids to have a good mother. I truly thought this was the only way. Kirt had no idea I was even feeling this way. I faked that I was so happy till the last day. No one would've guessed I was so depressed. I didn't want anyone to know. I wanted to keep up "the act". By the way---don't ever try to keep up the act, that will just make things worse. Be yourself and love who you are. Being your authentic you is so much better than fake you.
        SO, I crushed up the pills mixed them with saline and pushed them through my IV they had put in my hand the night before. I was done. But just as soon as I pushed the pills through, my vein burst and the mixture went into my hand. I soon developed a clot from my hand all the way up to my shoulder. I was alive. The mixture slowly dissolved in my body and needless to say my medical record is forever ruined. I was yelled at by countless doctors and my husband was devastated. I felt terrible. Worse than terrible; humiliated, awful, stupid, horrible, sorry. I felt so ashamed. What was I thinking??? I need help. That is when we found out the medicine I was taking cancelled out my depression medicine. Wow. If I could take that back I would.
       Things are so much better now and we did even have another baby. Depression is a real thing and post pardum depression can be very scary. I know I had unique circumstances, but doesn't everyone? Everybody's story is different but we all need the same thing....help. We need to talk about it and forget this "super mom" thing. If we were all honest I think we could all learn a lot from each other. I've got a great group of girl friends that are irreplaceable and it is all because we are completely honest with each other. Nobody has it all together. If they say they do, they are lying:)
            Please take this post for what it was meant for. It is meant to help others decide to get help. There is no shame admitting you can't do things by yourself. There are so many people who are judgmental. Please don't let you be one of them. Like I said before, I was one of them and It came back to bite me with a vengeance. I now know and understand so much more about depression and suicide. These things can be treated and there is hope. I am on the other side of it and I do wake up in the morning and think, "I'm excited to start the day." You can get there too. You are not you when you are depressed or suicidal and you can get help to think clearly again. There is a life after depression. Please don't give up. Life is so worth the effort.