The Reaction

     Throughout this process I have learned so much. Whether someone dies, goes missing, or gets diagnosed with cancer, one thing you can count on is: you will be surprised how some people react. I thought I knew how each person in my family would react in a family crisis. Turns out I was wrong.
     I have had a few people really close to me die throughout my life but the two that stick out to me is my step mother carol and my grandpa Ogden.
        Today we are going to talk about Carol. Carol was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer about 4 years ago. I have learned since her death how terrible this cancer is and truly wish my reaction to her diagnosis was different. Carol was an angel on earth and she made our family a better one. She made everyone she  was around a better person just by being their friend. I wish I had told her this but I loved her for making our family heal from past wounds. She was meant to be married to my father. She made him a better person.
     When carol was diagnosed with cancer. I reacted so poorly. I pulled away at first. I was upset but more importantly, I felt helpless. There was nothing I could say or do to make the situation better and it made me so angry. I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. I didn't know what to do so I did nothing. It was the worst feeling in the world and talking to her made me feel guilty.
       In the beginning, I pulled away, and in the middle of her sickness I came around more and wanted to help. Towards the end, I pulled away again. It was so hard to see her so sick. I gave into myself to make sure I was comfortable and not the other way around. I should have disregarded my feelings and been honest. That is the point I wanted to talk about.......being honest.
      Death and the unknown will happen to us all. It is just a matter of time. Our reaction to it is a complicated one. Depending on the person, you will get two completely different reactions. I have learned each reaction has been meant to have the most sincere intentions, but will not be seen that way. Me pulling away and not being there for carol would appear like I didn't care and wanted nothing to do with the situation. When in reality I cared so much I couldn't even handle the emotions I was feeling. Looking back it is not the best reaction. Pulling away from someone when they are struggling is not what I recommend. You will usually regret it in the end. There is a balance though. You can't loose yourself in their struggles and forget yours.
         The same thing happened to us when Jesse went missing. Friends we thought would be there for us weren't, but friends we didn't think would be there for us were. It was fascinating to watch. Even in my own family. I was shocked at who I came to rely on and who I didn't.
         It is only now after 5 years I am able to see out of my tiny family of 9....wait huge family of nine, that I am able to see outside of my little family circle of grief. I was so busy being sad about Jesse or puzzled at people's reactions that I didn't take into account that they were hurting too. They were not only hurting for us, but they knew and loved Jesse too. They were missing him. People did not not what to say, do, or think. So they didn't say, do, or think anything. I think that is the worst reaction by far any of us can have in any situation.
        ANY reaction is better than NO reaction. Silence is nothing. Silence is a blank wall. Silence will be taken as complete lack of caring. Expression of any kind is better than silence. Be honest. Nothing is worse than when talking to a best friend and silence fill the room like a dark cloud. Silence will start to put gaps in relationships. Be honest. "I don't know what to say to you." is better than nothing at all. If you are angry that this happened, sad, depressed, hurt, etc. I was so happy when one of my friends told me she felt so stupid for saying this but that when she heard all this had happened with Jesse she was just furious. She felt like she had no right to be mad but when she saw me it brought up those feelings so it was hard for her to talk to me. I was glad she was able to put aside her feelings for mine and be there for me. Her honesty was refreshing.
          Sometimes it is easier to just not face things. So we pretend like they just didn't happen. I do that all the time. That is how I deal with most situations. I made Kirt go skydiving for my birthday this past year and he worried about it for a month and I just pretended like it wasn't going to happen. It wasn't until we were in the plane I started to get a little panicked. When we jumped out of the plane that is when I screamed, "What in the @$%&$!*  was I thinking!!!" Kirt was so jealous I only worried for 7 minutes and not a month. Well that minute and a half free fall was a little freaky too. (I do recommend going.) SO FUN!!
    That is how others reacted. They would just assume it didn't happen. I have learned everyone has their own way of coping and sometimes that is all we can do is cope. BUT......if you can, try to put your feelings aside, be honest, start the conversation, and be there for the person who needs it more than you. The last thing you want is to live your life full of regrets. Death, cancer, missing person cases are such a complicated hard thing but one thing they all have in common is: We shouldn't and can't do it alone. Honesty is refreshing and selflessness gets you everywhere.