My Brother.......Missing (Part 2)

Posted by Sarah

I realized I have been delaying sitting down to type this because it is still so hard for me to talk about.  I posted the news report about trying to get Darren’s body home, because honestly I have blocked a lot of the details of trying to get him home out of my mind.  It seemed easier to deal with that way.  Also I didn't hear all of the details.  I just know that when his body was finally safe on American soil we were finally able to start our grieving process. 

I quickly realized that no one truly close to me had ever died.  All of my grandparents are alive, and no close friends have ever passed on.  I guess I should have prepared myself for this moment because no one lives forever, but it hit me like a ton of bricks.  And since I am the sister-in-law I don’t think people realized the agony I was going through. 

Prior to Darren’s death my husband asked me who my five best friends were besides him.  He was really shocked when Darren’s name was on the list.  It was then I realized how close I felt to him.  We both were extremely excited about being entrepreneurs and called each other frequently about all of our ideas. 

Prior to him going missing I was going about my daily business, and trying to finish up a sewing order I had.  I was extremely busy, and all day I couldn't get the idea out of my head that I needed to facebook Darren.  I kept brushing it aside, and again and again I felt I needed to post him a message on facebook.  I remember laughing to myself because it seemed so silly that I had to post him today.  I remember telling him how much a missed him, and that I loved him.  After he went missing I realized the day I posted the message would have been the last day he could have looked on his computer. 

After we knew he was gone forever in this life I found it unable go on my day to day activities that needed to be done.  I would roll up in a ball at night and clutch my stomach because it hurt from holding all of my emotions in.  I felt I needed to be a support to my husband whose brother had just died, but I didn't know how because I wasn't stable. 

I remember crying to the Lord like I never had to help our family, and to help me handle the pain I had.  And then I got to see Darren one last time in my dreams….

I was at his parent’s house and I walked into the basement.  And to my shock Darren was there standing in the corner smiling at me.  I knew he had died, and so I couldn't believe my eyes.  I ran to him and touched him.  I could feel his skin, but I still knew he had passed on.  My voice trembled as I said, “Darren, why did you leave us?  We all miss you so much!”  And he said, “I know Sarah, I miss you and everyone else too, but I am happy.  Sarah I am happy.”

At that moment I woke up.  Tears were streaming down my face and felt that I had really just seen Darren, that I had really just touched his arm.  An overwhelming peace came over me, and I knew at that moment that if Darren could really talk to me now he would say that he was happy.  I knew it with all my heart that he was happy now, and I knew that I would see him again.

I still miss him horribly and I still cry at times because I don’t get to see him for a long time.  When we get together as a family there is always a chair missing at the dinner table, a phone call that I miss at my birthday, and the hug I miss from him.  When I get a great business idea I have wanted to pick up the phone and call him right away, and then I realize I can’t.  So all though my brother was found, in all of our hearts he will always be missing from us.  My heart goes out to those like Niki who have never found their loved ones.