Into the looking glass I see
two sisters meant to be.
though she six and I sixteen,
nothing could come between.
my love for her is forever growing
without her ever knowing.
Two girls
One big family.
Trials for all to bear..
First, A father for her to forever miss.
A trial I thought Unbearable.
her strength, inspiring.
Second, we both, a brother forever missing.
A trial so confusing and haunting we pray for the comfort of god each day.
God carries us through
Third. She, a mother to cancer.
I., a step-mother.
A trial feeling so unjust for my sweet sister.
A daughter needs her mother.
A trial she gave me comfort,
A trial she gave me wisdom.
A trial she faces every day.
Forth. Her sweet older brother.
Leukemia finally took his soul back to heaven.
My baby sister is only 20 and has faced a lifetime of challenges.
Her wisdom and love is endless.
To know her is an honor
to call her friend is a blessing
to be her sister is the greatest feeling in the entire world.
I am so grateful to have my step-sister Erin in my life. She is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met in my entire life. She is a blast to be around and her personality and laugh is infectious. The Challenges this woman has faced are unreal. In a matter of 5 years she lost her Dad, Mom, and Brother. ON top of all of that, My brother, her step-brother, went missing somewhere in between all of that. She makes me feel like I can handle anything.
Erin, I love you so much. You are amazing!! I will be there for you anytime you need a friend, a place to crash, money, food, a laugh, a cry, ANYTHING!!!! I AM THERE FOR YOU SISTA!!!!!
I love you so much. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am here if you need anything. Love you sis:)
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Anorexia and Bulimia
Anorexia and bulimia are two very serious diseases. And I do Mean they are diseases. Once you have it, it is very hard to treat, very hard to cure, and extremely difficulty to prevent from happening again. I'm going to be talking about my experience I have had with bulimia and anorexia. I will not be talking about what I did to make it easier not to be hungry or how I made it easier for me to throw up. One of the biggest reasons I became anorexic is because I saw a show on TV. It was on teens and anorexia. Instead of taking the message they were trying to put across, "don't starve yourself". I just thought I had gotten some really good ideas on how to curb my appetite. Of course the show was trying to do good and trying to help troubled teens by letting them know the harm they can do to their bodies. But all I heard was "here is how I lost weight fast!" For that reason I am just going to be talking about my feelings throughout the process and not how I was actually able to do everything. I would hate to trigger and girl into a life a constant paranoia of the one thing we should just savor and enjoy, FOOD!!!!!
As you might have guessed, I didn't handle my brothers disappearance very well. I decided I needed help. I went to a therapist. I do not know of one therapist who specializes in dealing with the unknown. I was told once the grieving process of the unknown is called ambiguous loss. If ambiguous loss means anything I would guess it's the definition of insanity.
I have been to a lot of therapists. Trying to find someone who wasn't so floored by the story I tell of my brothers disappearance is a little tricky. Their main response and advice given is, "Wow. I don't how you are handling all of this". One therapist I went and saw started crying while I told the story. It was so sweet that he was so tender to the situation. BUT---when I end up comforting the therapist and we end the session early because he is crying so much, something just doesn't seem right. Who specializes in this stuff??? Well, I guess I do. Anyone who has literally lost a loved one becomes an expert at the situation.
It has been so nice connecting with people who have had a loved one go missing. I don't sound as crazy as I thought I was. I am still extremely ashamed how I handled Jesse's disappearance. I was talking to a lady who's son went missing in Hawaii as well. Her response to my story about how I handled Jesse going missing and not wanting to live anymore was so kind. She said, "I think that's a pretty normal response." I laughed. Those earlier days of him being missing were next to unbearable. He is my brother. I can't imagine how a mother would feel. If it was my baby I would be a complete mess.
\Once Jesse went missing, that's when the problems started.
Blame, self-hatred, and nonredeemable guilt built up inside me. This is what all led to my Bulimia. I had already been struggling with anorexia . I could control nothing in my life. Everything was out of control. First lets talk about anorexia.
Before with anorexia everything was in control. I could control what I ate and had a lot of will power. Therefore, looking back, my emotions seemed to be a little more stable than when I was bulimic. In my anorexic days everything was timed and I made sure I did everything I was supposed to do. I was a huge perfectionist. I got the job done. I may not have been on time to things, but.........I did always pull through:) Anorexia is such a hard disease. Eating is like your worst enemy. Every time you put even the smallest thing in your mouth you feel guilty. or , for me, I had to run 4 miles just to burn it off. (yes, I was an exercise a-holic too) In one day I would exercise a minimum of 2 1/2 hours if not more. Some might say "that's not bad", but when I look back I think "Um, Go out and live your life with people not machines and running shoes." The time builds up. I feel all that exercise was a little extreme. I love to exercise but not that much.
I got really skinny. Skinny to the point that I thought maybe I needed to gain weight, I was 5'8'' and 120lbs. For me that is super tiny. My size 4 pants were baggy and I never wanted to be a size 2. Luckily I met Kirt and it was all up hill from there! hahahahahah!!! Kidding, We had 4 kids together. what to you expect? Of course I let myself go! No......I'm kidding again.
I still try to maintain a "healthy" weight, and have all my life until Jesse went missing. My perfectionist of a life went up in flames. My emotions went on a roller coaster ride for 5 years and eating went wherever the roller coaster went. That's when my eating went from zero to 100.
Here's what I really wanted to talk about, Bulimia. Bulimia is Crazy!!! It is so out of control! One minute you are stuffing your face litterally as fast as you can and the next you are bolting to the bathroom to throw it up. You are an emotional mess. I remember everytime I would eat and be planning on throwing up. When I was throwing up I would think, "I hate you niki! I hate you! It's your fault he's gone! You should have stopped him!!" and then I would feel better. Like I had just released all of my hate, all of the bad feelings I was having at that time.
Sometimes I would throw up just to throw up because I was so upset about something. If Kirt and I got in a fight, I would throw up. If I had a bad day I would throw up. It just took away that emotion. Or.......let that emotion out.
After a while my throat began to swell pretty badly. I couldn't eat anything but liquids and I definitely couldn't throw up. I got a small stomach ulcer and was in a fair amount of pain. I knew I needed help. I finally told Kirt that I was bulimic. He was like, "That's why you take so long in the bathroom." I thought he'd be mad but he was so kind and supportive. I got help. I went to therapy and I am doing better
Here's what I know now. Anorexia---you can loose weight. BUT!!!!! YOU GAIN IT BACK! and then some. It is a waste of time. It is not the diet for you. It is bad for your heart, bones, and overall health! Don't do it! Bulimia-----you never loose weight with bulimia. If anything you gain weight. Bulimia just makes you feel better about binging on junk food. You get yellow teeth, canker sores, and ulcers. NO FUN!
DO I still struggle with anorexia and bulmia? Yes. I still struggle with anorexia and bulimia. I get on and off the roller coaster. I wish I could say I was free of it and never struggled with it. But currently I am not struggling and am doing very well. I have to live a very balanced life. If my emotions get the best of me that's when I turn to bulimia. They kind of go hand in hand. If I'm not starving myself, I'm binging and purging. It a viscious cycle.
Today I can say I am not struggling with either disorder. But those of you who are, please get help. It can take over your life. We are beautiful just the way we are. We don't need a man, a magazine, or a size 4 pant to tell us so. Being you is your own kind of beautiful. No one has ever seen your kind of beauty, No one ever will see your kind of beauty, because you are one of a kind.
As you might have guessed, I didn't handle my brothers disappearance very well. I decided I needed help. I went to a therapist. I do not know of one therapist who specializes in dealing with the unknown. I was told once the grieving process of the unknown is called ambiguous loss. If ambiguous loss means anything I would guess it's the definition of insanity.
I have been to a lot of therapists. Trying to find someone who wasn't so floored by the story I tell of my brothers disappearance is a little tricky. Their main response and advice given is, "Wow. I don't how you are handling all of this". One therapist I went and saw started crying while I told the story. It was so sweet that he was so tender to the situation. BUT---when I end up comforting the therapist and we end the session early because he is crying so much, something just doesn't seem right. Who specializes in this stuff??? Well, I guess I do. Anyone who has literally lost a loved one becomes an expert at the situation.
It has been so nice connecting with people who have had a loved one go missing. I don't sound as crazy as I thought I was. I am still extremely ashamed how I handled Jesse's disappearance. I was talking to a lady who's son went missing in Hawaii as well. Her response to my story about how I handled Jesse going missing and not wanting to live anymore was so kind. She said, "I think that's a pretty normal response." I laughed. Those earlier days of him being missing were next to unbearable. He is my brother. I can't imagine how a mother would feel. If it was my baby I would be a complete mess.
\Once Jesse went missing, that's when the problems started.
Blame, self-hatred, and nonredeemable guilt built up inside me. This is what all led to my Bulimia. I had already been struggling with anorexia . I could control nothing in my life. Everything was out of control. First lets talk about anorexia.
Before with anorexia everything was in control. I could control what I ate and had a lot of will power. Therefore, looking back, my emotions seemed to be a little more stable than when I was bulimic. In my anorexic days everything was timed and I made sure I did everything I was supposed to do. I was a huge perfectionist. I got the job done. I may not have been on time to things, but.........I did always pull through:) Anorexia is such a hard disease. Eating is like your worst enemy. Every time you put even the smallest thing in your mouth you feel guilty. or , for me, I had to run 4 miles just to burn it off. (yes, I was an exercise a-holic too) In one day I would exercise a minimum of 2 1/2 hours if not more. Some might say "that's not bad", but when I look back I think "Um, Go out and live your life with people not machines and running shoes." The time builds up. I feel all that exercise was a little extreme. I love to exercise but not that much.
I got really skinny. Skinny to the point that I thought maybe I needed to gain weight, I was 5'8'' and 120lbs. For me that is super tiny. My size 4 pants were baggy and I never wanted to be a size 2. Luckily I met Kirt and it was all up hill from there! hahahahahah!!! Kidding, We had 4 kids together. what to you expect? Of course I let myself go! No......I'm kidding again.
I still try to maintain a "healthy" weight, and have all my life until Jesse went missing. My perfectionist of a life went up in flames. My emotions went on a roller coaster ride for 5 years and eating went wherever the roller coaster went. That's when my eating went from zero to 100.
Here's what I really wanted to talk about, Bulimia. Bulimia is Crazy!!! It is so out of control! One minute you are stuffing your face litterally as fast as you can and the next you are bolting to the bathroom to throw it up. You are an emotional mess. I remember everytime I would eat and be planning on throwing up. When I was throwing up I would think, "I hate you niki! I hate you! It's your fault he's gone! You should have stopped him!!" and then I would feel better. Like I had just released all of my hate, all of the bad feelings I was having at that time.
Sometimes I would throw up just to throw up because I was so upset about something. If Kirt and I got in a fight, I would throw up. If I had a bad day I would throw up. It just took away that emotion. Or.......let that emotion out.
After a while my throat began to swell pretty badly. I couldn't eat anything but liquids and I definitely couldn't throw up. I got a small stomach ulcer and was in a fair amount of pain. I knew I needed help. I finally told Kirt that I was bulimic. He was like, "That's why you take so long in the bathroom." I thought he'd be mad but he was so kind and supportive. I got help. I went to therapy and I am doing better
Here's what I know now. Anorexia---you can loose weight. BUT!!!!! YOU GAIN IT BACK! and then some. It is a waste of time. It is not the diet for you. It is bad for your heart, bones, and overall health! Don't do it! Bulimia-----you never loose weight with bulimia. If anything you gain weight. Bulimia just makes you feel better about binging on junk food. You get yellow teeth, canker sores, and ulcers. NO FUN!
DO I still struggle with anorexia and bulmia? Yes. I still struggle with anorexia and bulimia. I get on and off the roller coaster. I wish I could say I was free of it and never struggled with it. But currently I am not struggling and am doing very well. I have to live a very balanced life. If my emotions get the best of me that's when I turn to bulimia. They kind of go hand in hand. If I'm not starving myself, I'm binging and purging. It a viscious cycle.
Today I can say I am not struggling with either disorder. But those of you who are, please get help. It can take over your life. We are beautiful just the way we are. We don't need a man, a magazine, or a size 4 pant to tell us so. Being you is your own kind of beautiful. No one has ever seen your kind of beauty, No one ever will see your kind of beauty, because you are one of a kind.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Angel on Earth
Have you ever had somone in your life that you know would be there for you with out a shadow of a doubt?? Someone who would be on your side no matter what? (even if you were right or wrong) Defends you when you need defending, believes you when no one elses does, and loves you like you were their own child?
This person is my Aunt Carolyn. She is absolutely one of the most amazing women I have ever met. I am so glad that she is my aunt because I get to be a part of her life. She has seen my family through some really tough times and stuck with us every time.
Carolyn is crazy. A good crazy. A fun crazy. She is a fly by the seat of her pants kinda girl, has a laugh that can fill an entire room, and has the biggest heart I have ever seen. Carolyn loves EVERYBODY. That is my favorite quality of hers. If anyone in the family needs help Carolyn is ready for action.
I didn't tell the entire story when Jesse went missing. I made it appear that my mother went alone to Hawaii. She was not. An angel was sent with her as well. My Aunt Carolyn. The reason I did not mention her before is because just to mention her in this story would not be enough. The things she has done for my family have been life saving. She let us stay at her home while my parents were getting a divorce, she is always ready to help if you get sick;), and makes you laugh even when you think there is no way you'd be able to. I love her more than I think she will ever know. She saved my family when we were in crisis and needed help and a place to stay fast. She treated us like we were her own children. I can only hope I am like her one day.
I was 16 when my parents got divorced. Dispite the welcomed outcome I was devastated. I was heart broken. Being at Aunt Carolyns home made life peaceful again. She and uncle Bruce made me feel like I was a daughter to them. All my life I had struggled to feel that feeling, Thanks to them I was able to feel what it was like to have a father who loved truly and unconditionally. It was a very wonderful feeling. Thank you Bruce.
My mom would have never gone to Hawaii had it not been for Carolyn. She paid for everything. She is an amazing sister. While there, they passed out fliers, and searched day and night for him. And when the night came and they were back in Jesse's apartment, it wasn't just my mom who scooped up all of Jesse's clothes on top of the bed. Carolyn too, piled some clothes on her side of the bed, tears welled in both their eyes. I'm sure no two sisters would think they would ever have to face the challenge to go looking for one of their sons together, not knowing if he was alive or not. The two together cried. They both lost their son.
I am so sorry for my mom and my aunt. The pain I have felt literally takes my breath away. For them, the pain must be unimaginable. I pray for them each day. I love you Aunt Carolyn. The love and compassion you have shown for my family has not gone unnoticed. We are truly amazed by your giving and open heart. You would let the entire world in if you could. Thank you for all you have done for this family. You have saved us in so many ways. I'm sure you don't even know the impact you have had on me being a mother but, I look up to you very much. I love you completely, and wish you so much peace in your life.
I think it would be a great Idea to sit back and think of all the "angels" we have in our own life. But this time don't just think it. Tell them. Angels need pixie dust! (wait, maybe that's Tinkerbell) We all could use a boost sometimes. Too often, we find ourselves regretting not saying something when we had the chance. So here it is: I challenge all to tell your "angel" why they are, and what they have done to become an angel in your life. You need to say it AND They most definitely need to hear it.
I love you Auntie!!! Thanks for being there for my family through thick and thin! niki
This person is my Aunt Carolyn. She is absolutely one of the most amazing women I have ever met. I am so glad that she is my aunt because I get to be a part of her life. She has seen my family through some really tough times and stuck with us every time.
Carolyn is crazy. A good crazy. A fun crazy. She is a fly by the seat of her pants kinda girl, has a laugh that can fill an entire room, and has the biggest heart I have ever seen. Carolyn loves EVERYBODY. That is my favorite quality of hers. If anyone in the family needs help Carolyn is ready for action.
I didn't tell the entire story when Jesse went missing. I made it appear that my mother went alone to Hawaii. She was not. An angel was sent with her as well. My Aunt Carolyn. The reason I did not mention her before is because just to mention her in this story would not be enough. The things she has done for my family have been life saving. She let us stay at her home while my parents were getting a divorce, she is always ready to help if you get sick;), and makes you laugh even when you think there is no way you'd be able to. I love her more than I think she will ever know. She saved my family when we were in crisis and needed help and a place to stay fast. She treated us like we were her own children. I can only hope I am like her one day.
I was 16 when my parents got divorced. Dispite the welcomed outcome I was devastated. I was heart broken. Being at Aunt Carolyns home made life peaceful again. She and uncle Bruce made me feel like I was a daughter to them. All my life I had struggled to feel that feeling, Thanks to them I was able to feel what it was like to have a father who loved truly and unconditionally. It was a very wonderful feeling. Thank you Bruce.
My mom would have never gone to Hawaii had it not been for Carolyn. She paid for everything. She is an amazing sister. While there, they passed out fliers, and searched day and night for him. And when the night came and they were back in Jesse's apartment, it wasn't just my mom who scooped up all of Jesse's clothes on top of the bed. Carolyn too, piled some clothes on her side of the bed, tears welled in both their eyes. I'm sure no two sisters would think they would ever have to face the challenge to go looking for one of their sons together, not knowing if he was alive or not. The two together cried. They both lost their son.
I am so sorry for my mom and my aunt. The pain I have felt literally takes my breath away. For them, the pain must be unimaginable. I pray for them each day. I love you Aunt Carolyn. The love and compassion you have shown for my family has not gone unnoticed. We are truly amazed by your giving and open heart. You would let the entire world in if you could. Thank you for all you have done for this family. You have saved us in so many ways. I'm sure you don't even know the impact you have had on me being a mother but, I look up to you very much. I love you completely, and wish you so much peace in your life.
I think it would be a great Idea to sit back and think of all the "angels" we have in our own life. But this time don't just think it. Tell them. Angels need pixie dust! (wait, maybe that's Tinkerbell) We all could use a boost sometimes. Too often, we find ourselves regretting not saying something when we had the chance. So here it is: I challenge all to tell your "angel" why they are, and what they have done to become an angel in your life. You need to say it AND They most definitely need to hear it.
I love you Auntie!!! Thanks for being there for my family through thick and thin! niki
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Unconditional Love
This has been on my mind for quite some time and I have been so scared to write about it. Mainly for people's reactions. My intention is not to offend or challenge anyone's beliefs AT ALL. I believe in god with all my heart. I realize this is a sensitive subject. I am not talking about gay rights. I will NEVER talk politics on my blog. I HATE politics!!!! I am simply talking about unconditional love and the violence I have been hearing about in the news. please take this for how it was meant and not for some huge debate.
I saw the news the other day of a teenage boy nearly beaten to death because he was gay. He was not doing anything wrong. They just knew he was gay. My was heart broken to hear that the boy had been bullied almost his entire life for his lifestyle "choice". He had been so courageous to stand tall and not hide who he was. He was not afraid to be his authentic self. We are are taught to be individuals, open minded, but most of all we are taught to love all. Regardless of choice.
Never do I say everyone has to think the same way but I do think it would be nice if we could love the same way........unconditionally.
I myself am not gay. But my heart does go out to the gay community. I have often heard the word tolerance. When I hear the word I know it means: a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religions etc; differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry. All I hear in that is an unemotional way of saying "I can tolerate you." Now-a-days people have to do at least that if they want anyone to think they are any kind of a human being. My question is, Do they really mean it? Like I said before , so many people are just going along with whatever everyone else is brave enough to speak out and say. We, the ones who NEVER, speak out, need to have a voice. I have found if I let myself be a little more open minded, a little less judgmental. and a whole lot more compassionate; I feel better inside. No book or lecture could convince me otherwise. Loving everyone for exactly who they are is pure love in its true form.
The people who are least understood need the most love. They are the hardest to get along with, the ones who will do their best to push you away, and the ones who need you the most. I see all the violence and hatred in the world and it makes me fear for my own family. If my son were gay and got the treatment some of these people were getting treated I would be so heartbroken. I hope we as mothers raising our children can raise them in the attitude of love not tolerance.
A child doesn't want tolerance he wants love. He needs to know it unconditionally. By all his peers. I think sometimes it is the adult, not the child , who needs to grow up. Start from scratch, and learn unconditional love.
Well this is my first time talking about this publicly and I have no idea how any of my family members feel about this. I believe we were all sent to this life to be tested to our very limits. I believe we were sent here to love EVERYONE. I never heard god say tolerate them, but I did hear him say love them. He also said it was not for me to judge but that it was for him to judge.
The world is an amazing place with amazing blessing all around us. Don't get yourself entangled in the politics of life when what really matters is what is standing in your front door, jumping up and down, waiting for you to come home.
Live Honestly, Laugh Whole Heartedly, Love Unconditionally
I realize I my opinions are not yours but I truly feel all should be equal in unconditional love in this world. I support those who agree with me and understand those who don't.
I saw the news the other day of a teenage boy nearly beaten to death because he was gay. He was not doing anything wrong. They just knew he was gay. My was heart broken to hear that the boy had been bullied almost his entire life for his lifestyle "choice". He had been so courageous to stand tall and not hide who he was. He was not afraid to be his authentic self. We are are taught to be individuals, open minded, but most of all we are taught to love all. Regardless of choice.
Never do I say everyone has to think the same way but I do think it would be nice if we could love the same way........unconditionally.
I myself am not gay. But my heart does go out to the gay community. I have often heard the word tolerance. When I hear the word I know it means: a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religions etc; differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry. All I hear in that is an unemotional way of saying "I can tolerate you." Now-a-days people have to do at least that if they want anyone to think they are any kind of a human being. My question is, Do they really mean it? Like I said before , so many people are just going along with whatever everyone else is brave enough to speak out and say. We, the ones who NEVER, speak out, need to have a voice. I have found if I let myself be a little more open minded, a little less judgmental. and a whole lot more compassionate; I feel better inside. No book or lecture could convince me otherwise. Loving everyone for exactly who they are is pure love in its true form.
The people who are least understood need the most love. They are the hardest to get along with, the ones who will do their best to push you away, and the ones who need you the most. I see all the violence and hatred in the world and it makes me fear for my own family. If my son were gay and got the treatment some of these people were getting treated I would be so heartbroken. I hope we as mothers raising our children can raise them in the attitude of love not tolerance.
A child doesn't want tolerance he wants love. He needs to know it unconditionally. By all his peers. I think sometimes it is the adult, not the child , who needs to grow up. Start from scratch, and learn unconditional love.
Well this is my first time talking about this publicly and I have no idea how any of my family members feel about this. I believe we were all sent to this life to be tested to our very limits. I believe we were sent here to love EVERYONE. I never heard god say tolerate them, but I did hear him say love them. He also said it was not for me to judge but that it was for him to judge.
The world is an amazing place with amazing blessing all around us. Don't get yourself entangled in the politics of life when what really matters is what is standing in your front door, jumping up and down, waiting for you to come home.
Live Honestly, Laugh Whole Heartedly, Love Unconditionally
I realize I my opinions are not yours but I truly feel all should be equal in unconditional love in this world. I support those who agree with me and understand those who don't.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Feature of the week
This blog has so many random subjects. I never know what is going to be written next. Whatever I am feeling or think I want to talk about, that is what goes up.
Eventually, I want this blog to feature one missing person a week. I want to feature their story and help spread the word about their loved one's disappearance. I think it has been so good for my family and I to FINALLY have a conversation about my brothers disappearance. You might call it on-line therapy, I call it getting real. It is so refreshing when you finally break through someone's shell and get to know the "real" person.
With my brother going missing the silence was almost deadly. First, he went missing. Second, you don't know what to think. So we as a family, tried to think positively and almost pretend he was just still living. Most appeared to go about their lives unphased by the situation. Third, we did not talk about it. We may have scratched the surface here and there, but mostly, it was just too painful to get into. The wounds are so deep. The tears so hard to control. the emotion so powerful.
My friend Emily came over to chat yesterday. LOVE her!!! She had just come back from Kauai, Hawaii. She felt she needed to talk to me and had been trying to get a hold of me but sometimes I'm not very easy to get a hold of;) Technology and me are not friends. After calling me for a few days she just showed up at my door. (I love that she loves she enough to be persistent.) I'm telling you, get a good group of friends. They will save you when you are down.
She told me how her trip went and that she went on the kololoa trail. She told me how beautiful the island was and how much fun her and her husband had. They went on a boat ride around the island and by all the cliffs and the tour guide told of a legend.
Many people have died off the kololoua trail. The cliffs there are so dangerous. The legend says that those who fall of those cliffs live on into the eternities and bring the island all its beauty.
I know there is more to the legend but it is something like that. Emily said she felt stupid but the story touched her so much that she got a little emotional. This surprisingly comforted me.The thought that he could be at rest is a great comfort. There is a 99.9999999% chance that that is the case. I just have that nagging .1111111% chance that he is still alive. And that still pulls at me evey now and again.
The tour then took them to this "dangerous" beach by the kololoua trail. Here you can build a rock type tower in honor of a loved one who has passed on. She could have built one for anyone she wanted. She built one for Jesse. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. Shocked by my own emotions, I tried to regain the words to form in my mouth, "Wow. Ummm...Thank you...." I whispered. I bowed my head and began to sob. She came over and gave me a big hug. We both sat and cried for a moment. I pulled back and said, "Thank you for doing what I cannot do yet. I am just not ready to go there." She smiled. She understood why. She got emotional and she never knew him. GREAT! I'm gonna be a wreck:)
CURSE THIS WEEK! I am a crying MESS!!! Don't worry I got it under control. They have all been happy tears, I think:)
I have the next feature of a missing person coming up. He is just like Jesse in so many ways. His mother is still desperately searching for him. He went missing in Kauai, Hawaii a few years ago. I will be keeping all posted when his story is up. When it is up, Please spread the word. This family could use all the help they can get. Thanks, niki
Eventually, I want this blog to feature one missing person a week. I want to feature their story and help spread the word about their loved one's disappearance. I think it has been so good for my family and I to FINALLY have a conversation about my brothers disappearance. You might call it on-line therapy, I call it getting real. It is so refreshing when you finally break through someone's shell and get to know the "real" person.
With my brother going missing the silence was almost deadly. First, he went missing. Second, you don't know what to think. So we as a family, tried to think positively and almost pretend he was just still living. Most appeared to go about their lives unphased by the situation. Third, we did not talk about it. We may have scratched the surface here and there, but mostly, it was just too painful to get into. The wounds are so deep. The tears so hard to control. the emotion so powerful.
My friend Emily came over to chat yesterday. LOVE her!!! She had just come back from Kauai, Hawaii. She felt she needed to talk to me and had been trying to get a hold of me but sometimes I'm not very easy to get a hold of;) Technology and me are not friends. After calling me for a few days she just showed up at my door. (I love that she loves she enough to be persistent.) I'm telling you, get a good group of friends. They will save you when you are down.
She told me how her trip went and that she went on the kololoa trail. She told me how beautiful the island was and how much fun her and her husband had. They went on a boat ride around the island and by all the cliffs and the tour guide told of a legend.
Many people have died off the kololoua trail. The cliffs there are so dangerous. The legend says that those who fall of those cliffs live on into the eternities and bring the island all its beauty.
I know there is more to the legend but it is something like that. Emily said she felt stupid but the story touched her so much that she got a little emotional. This surprisingly comforted me.The thought that he could be at rest is a great comfort. There is a 99.9999999% chance that that is the case. I just have that nagging .1111111% chance that he is still alive. And that still pulls at me evey now and again.
The tour then took them to this "dangerous" beach by the kololoua trail. Here you can build a rock type tower in honor of a loved one who has passed on. She could have built one for anyone she wanted. She built one for Jesse. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. Shocked by my own emotions, I tried to regain the words to form in my mouth, "Wow. Ummm...Thank you...." I whispered. I bowed my head and began to sob. She came over and gave me a big hug. We both sat and cried for a moment. I pulled back and said, "Thank you for doing what I cannot do yet. I am just not ready to go there." She smiled. She understood why. She got emotional and she never knew him. GREAT! I'm gonna be a wreck:)
CURSE THIS WEEK! I am a crying MESS!!! Don't worry I got it under control. They have all been happy tears, I think:)
I have the next feature of a missing person coming up. He is just like Jesse in so many ways. His mother is still desperately searching for him. He went missing in Kauai, Hawaii a few years ago. I will be keeping all posted when his story is up. When it is up, Please spread the word. This family could use all the help they can get. Thanks, niki
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Facing My Demons
My New Year's resolution was, for once, not to loose weight. It was to face my demons. I know I have mentioned this before. I have just felt my demons around me a little more this week.
I shut god out of my life for so long I sometimes think I have forgotten how to pray. I sometimes feel scared to pray. Like somehow I will be rejected by the one person who has always been there for me. I know I have felt alone and afraid. I know I have felt completely abandoned. I know on the days I didn't get up in the morning he carried me through the day and into the night. I know he has been there for me even when I didn't ask him to be.
Prayer is one of my demons. I need god in my life. Spirituality is the key to my inner happiness. There is always a voice telling me I am not good enough. Not good enough to pray that day. Too tired, too sad, too upset. In this process I realized prayer wasn't one of my demons, Prayer is my saving grace.
That "Voice" is one of my demons. That voice tells me I can't do the things deep down I know I can. That voice discourages me not to leave the house and makes my day a living nightmare. That voice is poison and I listen to it more often than I should. That voice has, surprisingly, made me strong.
Strength. That voice has given me strength. That voice has literally given me a pair of boxing gloves and put me in the ring of the most difficult circumstances and made me face them. Made me stare at them. Made me fight them. I have learned I may loose my footing, I may have gotten knocked down, but if I endure and keep fighting, in the end, I always win.
When I hear that voice telling me I am not good enough, I can swing back and do something amazing. Like love my kids unconditionally. When that voice tells me I look like crap and it is not even worth getting dressed for the day, I can give it an upper cut and get ready for the day and take the kids to play at the park. Little things to fight back the thoughts can move mountains. When the voice tells me I am fat and says I shouldn't be seen on public. I make a swift high kick to their stomach and that voice is one their knees. I am out with my friends for dinner having a blast. Fighting back all the thoughts I have and never giving in to the thought that I am not good enough for anything feels amazing. Thinking I am not good enough is simply untrue. Fighting back feels absolutely amazing! (Kick boxing classes are a great way to blow off steam.)
Endurance. Endurance is my life's fatigue. I hear "Endure to the end" and I think we are on this road trip that never ends. ARE WE THERE YET??? I now say, "Endure the minute, then the hour, then the day. Tomorrow will be better". Being positive in the moment is so much better than enduring to the end. We get there one step at a time. Moment by moment. Seeing the picture piece by piece. The Masterpiece is always in the making. Always in the process. I just have to enjoy the work.
Work. I have worked approximately nine years raising my kids and a single statement from my four year old little boy has given me fuel for the next nine years. I was laying next to my little Landon and as he was falling asleep he slowly closed his eyes and softly smiled. He brushed his tiny hand across my face and looked up at me with his brilliant blue eyes that melt my heart. He slowly said, "Mommy, you are the best mommy I ever had!" I was so surprised. I didn't even tell him to say that. NO COACHING INVOLVED!!!! Absolutely voluntary!! Love that little boy. I have fuel for life with that statement!!! That is why I am here. Those kids are my world.
For some reason or another, life has its ups and its downs. Sometimes I know why and sometimes I just can't put my finger on it. Demons or not, I have to think I get stronger each time I am put in that boxing ring. Not matter how many times I get knocked down, the point is.....I get up. Doesn't matter how, doesn't matter that it wasn't pretty, it just matters that I did.
Get up, look it in the eyes, and beat the $#%$#%$ out of it!
I shut god out of my life for so long I sometimes think I have forgotten how to pray. I sometimes feel scared to pray. Like somehow I will be rejected by the one person who has always been there for me. I know I have felt alone and afraid. I know I have felt completely abandoned. I know on the days I didn't get up in the morning he carried me through the day and into the night. I know he has been there for me even when I didn't ask him to be.
Prayer is one of my demons. I need god in my life. Spirituality is the key to my inner happiness. There is always a voice telling me I am not good enough. Not good enough to pray that day. Too tired, too sad, too upset. In this process I realized prayer wasn't one of my demons, Prayer is my saving grace.
That "Voice" is one of my demons. That voice tells me I can't do the things deep down I know I can. That voice discourages me not to leave the house and makes my day a living nightmare. That voice is poison and I listen to it more often than I should. That voice has, surprisingly, made me strong.
Strength. That voice has given me strength. That voice has literally given me a pair of boxing gloves and put me in the ring of the most difficult circumstances and made me face them. Made me stare at them. Made me fight them. I have learned I may loose my footing, I may have gotten knocked down, but if I endure and keep fighting, in the end, I always win.
When I hear that voice telling me I am not good enough, I can swing back and do something amazing. Like love my kids unconditionally. When that voice tells me I look like crap and it is not even worth getting dressed for the day, I can give it an upper cut and get ready for the day and take the kids to play at the park. Little things to fight back the thoughts can move mountains. When the voice tells me I am fat and says I shouldn't be seen on public. I make a swift high kick to their stomach and that voice is one their knees. I am out with my friends for dinner having a blast. Fighting back all the thoughts I have and never giving in to the thought that I am not good enough for anything feels amazing. Thinking I am not good enough is simply untrue. Fighting back feels absolutely amazing! (Kick boxing classes are a great way to blow off steam.)
Endurance. Endurance is my life's fatigue. I hear "Endure to the end" and I think we are on this road trip that never ends. ARE WE THERE YET??? I now say, "Endure the minute, then the hour, then the day. Tomorrow will be better". Being positive in the moment is so much better than enduring to the end. We get there one step at a time. Moment by moment. Seeing the picture piece by piece. The Masterpiece is always in the making. Always in the process. I just have to enjoy the work.
Work. I have worked approximately nine years raising my kids and a single statement from my four year old little boy has given me fuel for the next nine years. I was laying next to my little Landon and as he was falling asleep he slowly closed his eyes and softly smiled. He brushed his tiny hand across my face and looked up at me with his brilliant blue eyes that melt my heart. He slowly said, "Mommy, you are the best mommy I ever had!" I was so surprised. I didn't even tell him to say that. NO COACHING INVOLVED!!!! Absolutely voluntary!! Love that little boy. I have fuel for life with that statement!!! That is why I am here. Those kids are my world.
For some reason or another, life has its ups and its downs. Sometimes I know why and sometimes I just can't put my finger on it. Demons or not, I have to think I get stronger each time I am put in that boxing ring. Not matter how many times I get knocked down, the point is.....I get up. Doesn't matter how, doesn't matter that it wasn't pretty, it just matters that I did.
Get up, look it in the eyes, and beat the $#%$#%$ out of it!
Monday, February 18, 2013
ADDICTION!!!
ADDICTION DISCLAIMER:
As alway this is my blog, my opinion, and my silly way of venting on life's twists and turns. I truly am so sorry if I offend ANYONE. But, let's just be honest....it's your fault you keep reading;)
Ever since I can remember I have struggled with addiction in one way or another. In my battle with addiction I have learned that most addicts have the same problem. They struggle with what most of us struggle with....balancing life. Instead of reaching out for help, they turn to something unhealthy to help them cope with life.
When I say "unhealthy" I mean ANYTHING used in EXCESS and for the wrong reasons. So let's get into the fun stuff shall we???
"Hi. My name is Niki and I am an addict." WOW. That sucked and feels good to say all at the same time. I am addicted to food.......OK---I bet you thought I was going to say drugs or alcohol, but, let me explain...
I think addiction is so much more than using drugs, drinking alcohol, or taking pills. For me it is 100% emotional.
Since I have started this blog I have been completely open and honest about all of my struggles. Depression, anxiety, suicide, guilt, grief, pain, loss, and now addiction. This all seems like such a long list but, I can honestly sit back and smile right now and tell you I am happy and in a really great place. I only am able to share my thoughts because I was able to get help from the professionals I so desperately needed.
I knew my eating was either out of control or simply non-existent. I know I have a warped body image of myself. Despite knowing I have a warped perception of myself hasn't stopped me from struggling with bulimia and anorexia. (those are 2 completely different posts.) Never in my life would I have thought to treat my eating like an addiction. Until one day I was listening to a woman speak and she stated that she was addicted to food. I thought to myself, "Ummmmmm.......of course you are, you idiot!! If you weren't, you'd be dead." Then she explained something I will never forget. She looked down and said, "I don't eat when I'm hungry, in fact, I don't even know what hungry feels like anymore. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm mad. I eat when I'm depressed. I eat to hide what I am feeling. Food is my comfort. Food has always been there for me." I looked at her and her eyes began to tear up. I realized mine had too. She spoke again, "Food is always there for me when I need it, food never lets me down, food never judged me for my weaknesses.I eat so I don't have to feel the pain anymore." I hugged her for a very long time. I cried with her until it was time for us to part ways. As she left I didn't see the same person. She was beautiful. How did I not see this before? I realized it was because I was seeing her. Not the outer shell of the person she was, but her.
I thought A LONG TIME about what she said to me. How many of us have addictions and we don't even realize it? I realized my stresses and struggles were not as different than the other people taking drugs and alcohol and using pills to "numb" the pain they are going through. Of course I realize drugs are illegal and I'm not justifying anyone's actions. I am simply stating that abuse is abuse. An addict is an addict. We all need support. We all need love. The last thing we need.....others judgement
There is a family that we know of who has had more than their fair share of trials. (In truth, this story is a big reason as to why I have not blogged as much as I usually do.) I like to think I'm pretty accepting of other peoples' life style's and beliefs. So when I hear stories like this it makes me so sad.
This particular family had a daughter who was 18 and committed suicide 1 year ago today. Needless to say, they were having a bad day. A lot of people just don't know what to say in those situations. I don't blame them for feeling awkward. I would too. But WHATEVER you do, don't go out of your way to avoid them!!!
If you think they won't notice....think again.
A lady went out of her way to offer any comfort she could on such a difficult day. Onlookers saw this gesture and later came up to the woman who had offered comfort and stated that they could not believe she was talking to the other woman. Due to the ladys' background and current problems she was quite the "downer" to be around. People did not want to be around her. She was not the easiest person to get along with but was someone who needed a friend desperately. This family had many problems ranging from drug abuse, addiction, and suicide.
I was so disappointed that people would prejudge her because of her family situation. Even if someone is struggling with those things we should be ready and willing to help if we are able. I totally get if, mentally, you just can't handle them. But, if it is a convenience thing......that's just sad. This family also has another teenager struggling with depression , addiction, and attempted suicide. I would think that the opposite would have happened. People would want to help. People would want to go out of their way to say hello. I was wrong.
I have learned you can't control what life gives you. Life is always a big adventure waiting to happen. BUT, you can control how you respond to what life gives you .I have said this before and I will say it again, I have a fabulous group of girlfriends. There is not one person who pretends to have it all together. I love it. Had I not had the support from them and my best friend Kirt, I would not be here today.
Addiction is way of coping, I have found if I would just face my demons and not use my addictiom to bock out my problem it made my life better. Facing your demons seems so much harder than it relly is.
When it comes to addiction, you are blocking something out. You are hiding from something. There is something you do not want to deal with. If you are an addict you are prolonging the inevitable. One day you will have to face your demons.
Well ladies and gentlemen........as I have said before, This is the year I am facing my demons! One of them is my addiction to food.
Kirt and I are in a friendly competition of loosing weight the "HEALTHY" way. If kirt wins he gets what every guy wants every day, for an entire month!!!...............................................................
YES LADIES THAT IS MOTIVATION FOR ME!!! I HAVE TO WIN!!! I AM NOT UP FOR THAT!! If I win, I get a lump of cash that I can spend on ANYTHING! No questions asked. Can you imagine the possibilities??? Needless to say, Kirt is pretty motivated too. He is pretty scared as to what I might buy. A trip, a cruise, or maybe......BOOBS!!! Hahahahahah!!!! NO...... Kidding...........I guess time will tell;)
In all seriousness, addiction is so common and some of us may not even realize we are addicted. Moderation in all things. Striving to find balance in life and that inner peace. I love that I have an awesome family and extended family. They love me through the good, the bad, the crazy, and the fun. Don't push people away, let people in. Be more open about your problems and others will about theirs. You will find better truer friends that way.
Live your best life, Laugh with true friends, Love Yourself niki
As alway this is my blog, my opinion, and my silly way of venting on life's twists and turns. I truly am so sorry if I offend ANYONE. But, let's just be honest....it's your fault you keep reading;)
Ever since I can remember I have struggled with addiction in one way or another. In my battle with addiction I have learned that most addicts have the same problem. They struggle with what most of us struggle with....balancing life. Instead of reaching out for help, they turn to something unhealthy to help them cope with life.
When I say "unhealthy" I mean ANYTHING used in EXCESS and for the wrong reasons. So let's get into the fun stuff shall we???
"Hi. My name is Niki and I am an addict." WOW. That sucked and feels good to say all at the same time. I am addicted to food.......OK---I bet you thought I was going to say drugs or alcohol, but, let me explain...
I think addiction is so much more than using drugs, drinking alcohol, or taking pills. For me it is 100% emotional.
Since I have started this blog I have been completely open and honest about all of my struggles. Depression, anxiety, suicide, guilt, grief, pain, loss, and now addiction. This all seems like such a long list but, I can honestly sit back and smile right now and tell you I am happy and in a really great place. I only am able to share my thoughts because I was able to get help from the professionals I so desperately needed.
I knew my eating was either out of control or simply non-existent. I know I have a warped body image of myself. Despite knowing I have a warped perception of myself hasn't stopped me from struggling with bulimia and anorexia. (those are 2 completely different posts.) Never in my life would I have thought to treat my eating like an addiction. Until one day I was listening to a woman speak and she stated that she was addicted to food. I thought to myself, "Ummmmmm.......of course you are, you idiot!! If you weren't, you'd be dead." Then she explained something I will never forget. She looked down and said, "I don't eat when I'm hungry, in fact, I don't even know what hungry feels like anymore. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm mad. I eat when I'm depressed. I eat to hide what I am feeling. Food is my comfort. Food has always been there for me." I looked at her and her eyes began to tear up. I realized mine had too. She spoke again, "Food is always there for me when I need it, food never lets me down, food never judged me for my weaknesses.I eat so I don't have to feel the pain anymore." I hugged her for a very long time. I cried with her until it was time for us to part ways. As she left I didn't see the same person. She was beautiful. How did I not see this before? I realized it was because I was seeing her. Not the outer shell of the person she was, but her.
I thought A LONG TIME about what she said to me. How many of us have addictions and we don't even realize it? I realized my stresses and struggles were not as different than the other people taking drugs and alcohol and using pills to "numb" the pain they are going through. Of course I realize drugs are illegal and I'm not justifying anyone's actions. I am simply stating that abuse is abuse. An addict is an addict. We all need support. We all need love. The last thing we need.....others judgement
There is a family that we know of who has had more than their fair share of trials. (In truth, this story is a big reason as to why I have not blogged as much as I usually do.) I like to think I'm pretty accepting of other peoples' life style's and beliefs. So when I hear stories like this it makes me so sad.
This particular family had a daughter who was 18 and committed suicide 1 year ago today. Needless to say, they were having a bad day. A lot of people just don't know what to say in those situations. I don't blame them for feeling awkward. I would too. But WHATEVER you do, don't go out of your way to avoid them!!!
If you think they won't notice....think again.
A lady went out of her way to offer any comfort she could on such a difficult day. Onlookers saw this gesture and later came up to the woman who had offered comfort and stated that they could not believe she was talking to the other woman. Due to the ladys' background and current problems she was quite the "downer" to be around. People did not want to be around her. She was not the easiest person to get along with but was someone who needed a friend desperately. This family had many problems ranging from drug abuse, addiction, and suicide.
I was so disappointed that people would prejudge her because of her family situation. Even if someone is struggling with those things we should be ready and willing to help if we are able. I totally get if, mentally, you just can't handle them. But, if it is a convenience thing......that's just sad. This family also has another teenager struggling with depression , addiction, and attempted suicide. I would think that the opposite would have happened. People would want to help. People would want to go out of their way to say hello. I was wrong.
I have learned you can't control what life gives you. Life is always a big adventure waiting to happen. BUT, you can control how you respond to what life gives you .I have said this before and I will say it again, I have a fabulous group of girlfriends. There is not one person who pretends to have it all together. I love it. Had I not had the support from them and my best friend Kirt, I would not be here today.
Addiction is way of coping, I have found if I would just face my demons and not use my addictiom to bock out my problem it made my life better. Facing your demons seems so much harder than it relly is.
When it comes to addiction, you are blocking something out. You are hiding from something. There is something you do not want to deal with. If you are an addict you are prolonging the inevitable. One day you will have to face your demons.
Well ladies and gentlemen........as I have said before, This is the year I am facing my demons! One of them is my addiction to food.
Kirt and I are in a friendly competition of loosing weight the "HEALTHY" way. If kirt wins he gets what every guy wants every day, for an entire month!!!...............................................................
YES LADIES THAT IS MOTIVATION FOR ME!!! I HAVE TO WIN!!! I AM NOT UP FOR THAT!! If I win, I get a lump of cash that I can spend on ANYTHING! No questions asked. Can you imagine the possibilities??? Needless to say, Kirt is pretty motivated too. He is pretty scared as to what I might buy. A trip, a cruise, or maybe......BOOBS!!! Hahahahahah!!!! NO...... Kidding...........I guess time will tell;)
In all seriousness, addiction is so common and some of us may not even realize we are addicted. Moderation in all things. Striving to find balance in life and that inner peace. I love that I have an awesome family and extended family. They love me through the good, the bad, the crazy, and the fun. Don't push people away, let people in. Be more open about your problems and others will about theirs. You will find better truer friends that way.
Live your best life, Laugh with true friends, Love Yourself niki
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)