On occasion I am up at night because my thoughts just won't just shut off!!! Ohhhhhhh, and it's not about any thing important either. Just good old insomnia at its best. I love it.
So every night, and I do mean every night, our three year old Beckham sleeps with us. We try our hardest to get him in his own bed. I have put him back in his bed literally 5 times in one night. So we folded for the time being. Just like I folded with potty training.
Potty training was a totally different ball game with Becks. I thought it would be simple. It wasn't. I first started him in under wear and asked him every half hour or so if he needed to go pee-pee or poo-poo. He always said "No no, mama. I fine." so it wasn't quite time to make him try I thought, so I left the room for maybe 2 minutes. I come back and the heater vent has been removed and I smell something awful throughout the entire house. I go over to the heater vent and Beckham is sitting there all smiles saying,"Mama, I poo-pooed!!!!" and he points down the heater vent. "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" I thought. I could see the dried poo smear from the top of the vent and knew this was going to be a long clean up. Just so you are aware, the heater vent was running, so the smell is constantly being blasted in my face while I am cleaning this. Getting to the actual present was particularly nice. Had it been a little More solid life would have been better.
Life seemed a little more hopeful after that, Beckham had peed twice that day and no more heater business. I think we got him to know where the "real" potty was. The next day I awoke to a gross smell. A child poopey smell. Beckham was naked and running around. He was shouting, "I went poopie!!!" I was so excited so I checked all toilets..........no poop........no he didn't. "Beckham where did you poop?" and beckham smiled for a very long time but didn't answer. Then the heater turned on the entire house was filled with the smell of poo. I hurried and searched each vent. Finally I found it and cleaned it as thorooughly as possible. I have never been so frustraited.
He did it again the next day except this time I caught him. We were in the middle of afternoon nap and I decided to lay down this time. I woke to seeing two cute little butt cheeks and a stream a of pee spraying between his legs. I said, "That's it!!! I fold!! YOU WIN!!! Here are your diapers. I a m not up for this. We will try in a month. Beckham smiled. He knew He had just won. But guess what? I didn't care at that point. cleaning that vent was so gross. I need to develop a new tactical plan.
I'm also a big snuggler with my kids. At any given moment Kirt and I have at least one if not 2 kids in bed with us at a time...........we need it to stop. I love them but my brain has been zapped. It doesn't work anymore.
If any of you out there have suggestions on how to prevent your child from pooping in a vent that would be most helpful. Or, if you had any suggestion from keeping all four of your children from waking you up every single night that would help too. Love my babies just wish I had it all figured out!!!
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
THE BEGGARS PRAYER
To the heavens above from the earth below:
Hear the words of a simple beggars prayer.
Please let him know that you are there.
He walks in the shadows
because he's wanted in the gallows.
A life led in lies
with no family ties.
A child never wanted
His dreams always haunted.
Hopes of Redemption,
but thoughts of Contention.
No end in site,
Life has always been a fight.
He only tweny-three,
If only he could see.
A tear fall down his face,
as he looked back upon this place.
If only he knew of God's redeeming grace.
He fell upon his knees
and prayed to the his Lord Jesus, "Please..."
No others words were spoken
the man felt so incredibly broken.
In the silence he wept
for days he had not slept.
Christ's word's remained in his mind
be clean of body, thought, and mind.
So great was his remorse
so great was his plea
So great was his lord's plan.
His knee raw from kneeling
disappointed he had not received healing.
but suddenly a warmth.;
A calm, loving, beautiful warmth.
It filled his entire body
it made him feel like he was the most loved of everybody.
he fell upon his knees
and prayed to his Lord Jesus, "Please.....
".......Never shall I walk away from you. Never shall I fall. I thank you for the life you have given me that is what I love most of all. With out my choices I would not know trials. With out trials I would not know challenges. Without challenges I would have never been pushed to my limit. With out being pushed to my limit I would have never come looking for you. Come looking for something bigger than myself. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord........I love thee."
Anonymous
Hear the words of a simple beggars prayer.
Please let him know that you are there.
He walks in the shadows
because he's wanted in the gallows.
A life led in lies
with no family ties.
A child never wanted
His dreams always haunted.
Hopes of Redemption,
but thoughts of Contention.
No end in site,
Life has always been a fight.
He only tweny-three,
If only he could see.
A tear fall down his face,
as he looked back upon this place.
If only he knew of God's redeeming grace.
He fell upon his knees
and prayed to the his Lord Jesus, "Please..."
No others words were spoken
the man felt so incredibly broken.
In the silence he wept
for days he had not slept.
Christ's word's remained in his mind
be clean of body, thought, and mind.
So great was his remorse
so great was his plea
So great was his lord's plan.
His knee raw from kneeling
disappointed he had not received healing.
but suddenly a warmth.;
A calm, loving, beautiful warmth.
It filled his entire body
it made him feel like he was the most loved of everybody.
he fell upon his knees
and prayed to his Lord Jesus, "Please.....
".......Never shall I walk away from you. Never shall I fall. I thank you for the life you have given me that is what I love most of all. With out my choices I would not know trials. With out trials I would not know challenges. Without challenges I would have never been pushed to my limit. With out being pushed to my limit I would have never come looking for you. Come looking for something bigger than myself. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord........I love thee."
Anonymous
It's not about waiting for the storm to pass....
How are we coping as a family now after 5 years???
I wish I could tell you we all handled this all so well and we are all so great. I wish I could tell you everyone had some sort of closure. Maybe some of us had a dream where Jesse came to them and told them he was so happy and he was in a better place. I wish I could tell you everyone was happy spiritually. Not to say that we were all apart of the same religion, but to say that we were at peace with ourselves and God. I'd like to say that we have all come to grips with our internal conflicts with Jesse going missing. I wish I could say that my my heart is healed, but it is broken. That is one thing that I have accepted, for now. I am in the process of healing and finally comfortable with however long it may take to heal. I tried to push the process and it only made it worse.
Some of my family members have found closure and I am so happy for them. Their personal experiences give me great comfort and I am so grateful for them in my life. Others are truly struggling. Depression is a very real thing. Everyday I worry I may loose a family member to it and thank god each day I don't.
My family was and still is such a fun and funny family. Life, for most people, does not turn out the way we plan it to. Most of the time, not even how we want it to. Life is what we make of it. I have learned a positive attitude and a giving heart makes all the difference. 2 people's lives could be exactly the same as far as events go, but because of different attitudes one ends up living a life full of love and happiness and the other a life full of anger and guilt.
For 4 years I was mad at God for taking Jesse from us. For confusing us like that. The worst part was, I didn't even know I was mad at God. I just stopped communicating with the outside world. I have always been a very spiritual person and loved the idea of something greater and bigger than us. I had always found peace in my faith and loved feeling close to God. Once Jesse went missing, I just stopped everything. I didn't even realize that is what I did. Until one day.
I had a person in my life who was struggling very much and expressed that they were very angry with god. It was then I realized, I too, was furious with God. I thought to myself, "For what though?". I thought for a long time. What makes me so special that I should be the exception on not having this challenge??? This could have happened to anyone. It just ended up happening to me. Why should I be so bitter?
I then thought over the last 4 years and realized I had wasted them.What good does it do to hate God? What good does it do to hate anybody? I can tell you after 4 four wasted years it does you no good. It just eats you up. It makes you miserable. If you do it long enough it can destroy the beautiful person you are.
Tell me this. If you hate God, does it make a difference in your life? Yes. If you leave god out of your life does it make a difference in your life? Yes. For both of these questions: Is it a negative or positive experience??? This is completely my opinion and from my experience; but I believe it is a very negative experience. I always felt like there was something missing. I was never fully satisfied with my life. I was always depressed. Even on my very best days I still felt a little sad. I didn't know it was because I was lacking in developing my spiritual side. Spirituality is a key to happiness that I think a lot of us overlook. It is well worth our time to develop it and serve others around us. The world needs more of it. Hating God is a waste of your time. Find something better to do. You are only doing yourself a disservice.
There is another saying I love and I am not a preachy person, so forgive this entire page:) But goes something like, "If you thought life was to be one full of sunshine and pretty flowers, scattered with only a few storms; you are in for a great disappointment. For life was meant to have many storms scattered with little showers, to make room for the beautiful moments of sunshine and rainbows that will fill our memories and our hearts to give us strength to make it through the hurricanes that will try to drag us down. It is the storms that make the beautiful moments even more beautiful. Cherish them. Embrace them. Love them." niki
I wish I could tell you we all handled this all so well and we are all so great. I wish I could tell you everyone had some sort of closure. Maybe some of us had a dream where Jesse came to them and told them he was so happy and he was in a better place. I wish I could tell you everyone was happy spiritually. Not to say that we were all apart of the same religion, but to say that we were at peace with ourselves and God. I'd like to say that we have all come to grips with our internal conflicts with Jesse going missing. I wish I could say that my my heart is healed, but it is broken. That is one thing that I have accepted, for now. I am in the process of healing and finally comfortable with however long it may take to heal. I tried to push the process and it only made it worse.
Some of my family members have found closure and I am so happy for them. Their personal experiences give me great comfort and I am so grateful for them in my life. Others are truly struggling. Depression is a very real thing. Everyday I worry I may loose a family member to it and thank god each day I don't.
My family was and still is such a fun and funny family. Life, for most people, does not turn out the way we plan it to. Most of the time, not even how we want it to. Life is what we make of it. I have learned a positive attitude and a giving heart makes all the difference. 2 people's lives could be exactly the same as far as events go, but because of different attitudes one ends up living a life full of love and happiness and the other a life full of anger and guilt.
For 4 years I was mad at God for taking Jesse from us. For confusing us like that. The worst part was, I didn't even know I was mad at God. I just stopped communicating with the outside world. I have always been a very spiritual person and loved the idea of something greater and bigger than us. I had always found peace in my faith and loved feeling close to God. Once Jesse went missing, I just stopped everything. I didn't even realize that is what I did. Until one day.
I had a person in my life who was struggling very much and expressed that they were very angry with god. It was then I realized, I too, was furious with God. I thought to myself, "For what though?". I thought for a long time. What makes me so special that I should be the exception on not having this challenge??? This could have happened to anyone. It just ended up happening to me. Why should I be so bitter?
I then thought over the last 4 years and realized I had wasted them.What good does it do to hate God? What good does it do to hate anybody? I can tell you after 4 four wasted years it does you no good. It just eats you up. It makes you miserable. If you do it long enough it can destroy the beautiful person you are.
Tell me this. If you hate God, does it make a difference in your life? Yes. If you leave god out of your life does it make a difference in your life? Yes. For both of these questions: Is it a negative or positive experience??? This is completely my opinion and from my experience; but I believe it is a very negative experience. I always felt like there was something missing. I was never fully satisfied with my life. I was always depressed. Even on my very best days I still felt a little sad. I didn't know it was because I was lacking in developing my spiritual side. Spirituality is a key to happiness that I think a lot of us overlook. It is well worth our time to develop it and serve others around us. The world needs more of it. Hating God is a waste of your time. Find something better to do. You are only doing yourself a disservice.
There is another saying I love and I am not a preachy person, so forgive this entire page:) But goes something like, "If you thought life was to be one full of sunshine and pretty flowers, scattered with only a few storms; you are in for a great disappointment. For life was meant to have many storms scattered with little showers, to make room for the beautiful moments of sunshine and rainbows that will fill our memories and our hearts to give us strength to make it through the hurricanes that will try to drag us down. It is the storms that make the beautiful moments even more beautiful. Cherish them. Embrace them. Love them." niki
Thursday, March 7, 2013
4 sides to a Divorce
This post is just the thoughts I have had over the past 30 years on divorce and remarriage:)
I have always heard people say there are three sides to a divorce: the man's side, the women's side, and the truth. I've thought about that a lot. I used to think that was pretty accurate. Now, I think it is overlooking a very huge part of the divorce. A part that sees the good, the bad, and the ugly side of divorce. The children.
I hear all the time, "Children are resilient, it won't really phase them. Half of today's couple's are getting divorced. It's pretty normal for a child to go through this. They will always have someone to talk to." I don't know if this has been your experience but it has been mine. I am a child from a divorced family and back then it was still a little unsettling to a lot of people to see a child from a "broken" home. I was unable to play with some kids because of my families' circumstance and that was ok by me. Children are resilient. But coming from a child from a divorced family, it is anything but easy. Even if it is more "normal" in the outside world, to them, their world was just shattered.
The divorce in my family was a welcomed one. My parents did not get along and I was afraid of my dad to say the least. That is all I will say on that. I love my father, and despite abuse as a child I would never want to say anything negative about him. He is a wonderful man and I hope his life is a happy one. I truly do love my dad. He is a good man. My parent just were not meant to be together.
My parents got divorced and all was chaos. We were being pulled in both directions. It was a "he" said, "she" said battle. Then we were tested to see who or what we believed. So tiring was the process. So many tears shed. So many sleepless nights. But, SO MANY lesson learned for my future family. Thank you mom and dad.
First and Foremost: KIDS ARE NOT STUPID!!! They see everything! They know there is his side, your side, and the truth. BUT! They're never going to be able to undo what THEY saw. So there is also their side. Which they will believe a whole lot more than anyone else's side. No matter how much you try to convince them.
As a child, growing up and having my parents divorced at first was pretty awesome. We would play the "get me everything" game. I'm sure all you divorced parents know that one. You know, the one where: who can get the kid the better present that week, or best vacation that year. We got some pretty sweet stuff. But if I'm honest with you, that stuff really doesn't matter in the long run. It gets really old really fast. Plus, we turn into stuck up brats. Nobody wants that.
Competing. Divorced parents should never compete with each other. The kids will see right through it. They know they are taking advantage of you. They still need to respect you. You are still their parents. I would've felt a lot more secure had my parents at least talked to each other and communicated. Even though you are divorced you still have to work as a team. That will make the transition so much smoother.
Fighting: Fighting just makes things worse and yelling will scare the children. Yelling is the first way to a road block in a relationship with your child. It scares them and a wall will start to build if you aren't careful. Speaking calmly and slowly will put the kids at ease and teach them how to handle a stressful situation. I used to think that everyone was supposed to yell when they got mad. My husband came from home that NEVER yelled. So the change was to say the least, difficult. They will learn how to treat others by your example. They can often choose a spouse because of your example. Be careful what you say and do to one another. Because they see everything.
REMARRIAGE: As a child. (I was 16, so not really a child) My father got remarried pretty quickly. I was so angry! I thought I hated his new wife. In truth I was just mad at my father. I ended up loving my new step-mother. She was constantly loving despite how unconditionally mean I was to her. She always loved me back. That is how she won me over. She literally killed me with kindness. I love her for it. (She passed away from ovarian cancer and I miss her dearly.)
While they were married, the one thing they did right was, they always made us feel welcome. We were so mad at our father for getting remarried so fast. (One month after the divorce was final.) We never wanted to come and visit. Dad would still always come to the house to see if anyone was coming. Or he would call just to say "hi". Little things to know he cared. The key was consistency and persistence. He never gave up. He convinced us he still cared about us. It is never the big trips or the big presents kids care about. it is the phone calls, texts, and the stopping by that let them know you care. Their persistence paid off and we started to come around more. We felt cared for.
Tips: They tell you they hate you? Obviously that's not true. If they say that with any emotion whatsoever, they don't hate you. You have hurt them so deeply they don't know what else to say. Never get into a relationship and pick one family over the other. In the end you will regret the decision. Try to involve both families. At least let them know you care. Don't ever cut off communication with your own family. I just spoke to a man I worked with who just went to the his sons funeral. He and his wife of 10 years attended the funeral. The wife wanted nothing to do with his kids. So the man had not seen or been in contact with his kids for over 9 1/2 years. I will never forget what he said to me. He said, "I never thought I would be a stranger at my own sons funeral." he paused and then regrettably said, "I should have tried harder to make things work."
Pride gets in the way of a lot of things and I hope it doesn't get in the way of your marriage or your divorce or even your remarriage. I know sometimes I have a hard time with it. I am definitely not perfect. These are just a few things I have learned from in my own personal life. I know there is so much more that people out there know and have learned but that is my taste on it.
All that matters is how the kids are doing. Make sure your kids are ok. You made the decision to get married. Now you made the decision to get divorced. Handle it well and so will the kids. Yelling scares them. Fighting will make them bitter and angry. Laughing will make them fun and funny. The "he" said "she" said game hurts them. It tears them up inside. If you love them, do not speak badly about each other. They love both of you. They do not want to pick a side. Don't make them.
Good luck all you parents! Don't be too hard on yourself, remember its the little things that count. They don't care about the big stuff. Play cards with them, have a tea party, wrestle, go to their games, just be there when they need you. You are amazing parent you have to believe in yourself!
I have always heard people say there are three sides to a divorce: the man's side, the women's side, and the truth. I've thought about that a lot. I used to think that was pretty accurate. Now, I think it is overlooking a very huge part of the divorce. A part that sees the good, the bad, and the ugly side of divorce. The children.
I hear all the time, "Children are resilient, it won't really phase them. Half of today's couple's are getting divorced. It's pretty normal for a child to go through this. They will always have someone to talk to." I don't know if this has been your experience but it has been mine. I am a child from a divorced family and back then it was still a little unsettling to a lot of people to see a child from a "broken" home. I was unable to play with some kids because of my families' circumstance and that was ok by me. Children are resilient. But coming from a child from a divorced family, it is anything but easy. Even if it is more "normal" in the outside world, to them, their world was just shattered.
The divorce in my family was a welcomed one. My parents did not get along and I was afraid of my dad to say the least. That is all I will say on that. I love my father, and despite abuse as a child I would never want to say anything negative about him. He is a wonderful man and I hope his life is a happy one. I truly do love my dad. He is a good man. My parent just were not meant to be together.
My parents got divorced and all was chaos. We were being pulled in both directions. It was a "he" said, "she" said battle. Then we were tested to see who or what we believed. So tiring was the process. So many tears shed. So many sleepless nights. But, SO MANY lesson learned for my future family. Thank you mom and dad.
First and Foremost: KIDS ARE NOT STUPID!!! They see everything! They know there is his side, your side, and the truth. BUT! They're never going to be able to undo what THEY saw. So there is also their side. Which they will believe a whole lot more than anyone else's side. No matter how much you try to convince them.
As a child, growing up and having my parents divorced at first was pretty awesome. We would play the "get me everything" game. I'm sure all you divorced parents know that one. You know, the one where: who can get the kid the better present that week, or best vacation that year. We got some pretty sweet stuff. But if I'm honest with you, that stuff really doesn't matter in the long run. It gets really old really fast. Plus, we turn into stuck up brats. Nobody wants that.
Competing. Divorced parents should never compete with each other. The kids will see right through it. They know they are taking advantage of you. They still need to respect you. You are still their parents. I would've felt a lot more secure had my parents at least talked to each other and communicated. Even though you are divorced you still have to work as a team. That will make the transition so much smoother.
Fighting: Fighting just makes things worse and yelling will scare the children. Yelling is the first way to a road block in a relationship with your child. It scares them and a wall will start to build if you aren't careful. Speaking calmly and slowly will put the kids at ease and teach them how to handle a stressful situation. I used to think that everyone was supposed to yell when they got mad. My husband came from home that NEVER yelled. So the change was to say the least, difficult. They will learn how to treat others by your example. They can often choose a spouse because of your example. Be careful what you say and do to one another. Because they see everything.
REMARRIAGE: As a child. (I was 16, so not really a child) My father got remarried pretty quickly. I was so angry! I thought I hated his new wife. In truth I was just mad at my father. I ended up loving my new step-mother. She was constantly loving despite how unconditionally mean I was to her. She always loved me back. That is how she won me over. She literally killed me with kindness. I love her for it. (She passed away from ovarian cancer and I miss her dearly.)
While they were married, the one thing they did right was, they always made us feel welcome. We were so mad at our father for getting remarried so fast. (One month after the divorce was final.) We never wanted to come and visit. Dad would still always come to the house to see if anyone was coming. Or he would call just to say "hi". Little things to know he cared. The key was consistency and persistence. He never gave up. He convinced us he still cared about us. It is never the big trips or the big presents kids care about. it is the phone calls, texts, and the stopping by that let them know you care. Their persistence paid off and we started to come around more. We felt cared for.
Tips: They tell you they hate you? Obviously that's not true. If they say that with any emotion whatsoever, they don't hate you. You have hurt them so deeply they don't know what else to say. Never get into a relationship and pick one family over the other. In the end you will regret the decision. Try to involve both families. At least let them know you care. Don't ever cut off communication with your own family. I just spoke to a man I worked with who just went to the his sons funeral. He and his wife of 10 years attended the funeral. The wife wanted nothing to do with his kids. So the man had not seen or been in contact with his kids for over 9 1/2 years. I will never forget what he said to me. He said, "I never thought I would be a stranger at my own sons funeral." he paused and then regrettably said, "I should have tried harder to make things work."
Pride gets in the way of a lot of things and I hope it doesn't get in the way of your marriage or your divorce or even your remarriage. I know sometimes I have a hard time with it. I am definitely not perfect. These are just a few things I have learned from in my own personal life. I know there is so much more that people out there know and have learned but that is my taste on it.
All that matters is how the kids are doing. Make sure your kids are ok. You made the decision to get married. Now you made the decision to get divorced. Handle it well and so will the kids. Yelling scares them. Fighting will make them bitter and angry. Laughing will make them fun and funny. The "he" said "she" said game hurts them. It tears them up inside. If you love them, do not speak badly about each other. They love both of you. They do not want to pick a side. Don't make them.
Good luck all you parents! Don't be too hard on yourself, remember its the little things that count. They don't care about the big stuff. Play cards with them, have a tea party, wrestle, go to their games, just be there when they need you. You are amazing parent you have to believe in yourself!
Monday, March 4, 2013
COLORS
I love life. I think it is so much fun. I love to wake up in the summer and hear the buzz of lawn mowers in the morning. The smell of fresh cut grass makes my morning run feel refreshing and uplifting all at the same time. I love to come home and see the smiles on all four of my beautiful children's faces as I walk into the front door. Beckham, the tiniest of the four, comes bolting to my calves screaming "Mommy!!!" as if he hasn't seen me in years, while the others follow. They are starving, so I begin to cook breakfast.
I love the smell of bacon in the morning. It reminds me of happy days with my grandpa Ogden. Every morning he would wake us with the smell of his fresh cooked bacon. I would awake and run as fast as I could to get the best bar stool. Whoever got there first was made the first egg. I always wanted my egg first. I loved watching the sun rise and watch it slowly hit the crystal ball they always had hanging in their kitchen window. When the sun hit it just right, tiny bits of sun-light blasted all over the walls in every which direction and every different shape. Beautiful.
I love the sunset. When I was a teenager, and was needing time to think, I would climb out the window of my house, and sit on the roof up by the chimney. The colors were never the same. Purple, blue, green, yellow, orange, violet, any shade in any variety blending so beautifully into one another. The soft blending of colors brought calmness to my soul and peace to my thoughts. Life felt more simple. I would inhale the soft summer air and soak in the colors the sunset had to offer that night. Love in my heart and peace to my mind. The colors reset my thinking.
I love color. I love color in nature but I also love color in life. That's what gives us strength. Color can drive the strongest apart or the weakest together. Without color the whiteout is certain. Color is the dynamic in life that gives us the challenges we must face. Challenges are certain. Just unpredictable.
Unpredictable. My personal challenge.
First: In fifth grade I was riding my bike down a steep hill and ran into a fence and fell into a ditch. My leg had a two inch deep cut, that was about three inches long. Three days later I developed a severe Staph infection and was on IV antibiotics for a month. I visited the hospital everyday. When the infection was gone I was later told I nearly lost my leg. God had saved my leg.
Second: When I was sixteen, I got into a rollover car accident on the free-way where I was thrown 30 feet. I presumed dead at the scene of the crash. Amazingly, I survived the crash and made it to the hospital. Upon my mothers' arrival to the hospital the Doctors' informed her I was not going to make it. They stated I had a massive blood clot in my aorta. That they would not be able to get there in time to remove it, and they were waiting for it to move and I would simply bleed out. My mother was devastated..........................................................................................two hours passed..................................................................................no blood clot. A miracle. It had vanished. A broken back, a metal plate and six screws in my collar bone, and internal injuries gallor. I was alive. God saved my life.
Third: I was at work and scratched my elbow on the door frame. I went to change a patients dressing and washed my hands. I noticed the scratch on my elbow and hurried and washed it. Knowing that MRSA is a common infection looming around in care centers, I tried to be very thorough. (MRSA-is a super infection resistant to most antibiotics and extremely difficult to get rid of.) Within 2 days my arm was double in size. Within two weeks, I was on IV antibiotics. Within Three months: four hospital stays, two surgeries, and two rounds of IV antibiotics.The infection had gone in to my lymph nodes and I slept for over a month while I was being treated with medicine. I remember nothing of that time. Finally, by four months: three surgeries, three rounds of IV antibiotics, and six hospital stays, the infection was gone. I was left with little muscle and strength. BUT, I was alive. God saved my life.
Fourth: One year later. A knee ligament transplant surgery. My knee always dislocates. This surgery has fixed that. After surgery I developed a another staph infection (that is 3 so far) Instead of progressing in my physical therapy I started regressing in it. The risk of maintaining a healthy ligament lay in the balance. My leg doubled in size and the pain was intense. My knee became stiff and the risk of a second surgery was likely. "What is it you want me to learn from all of this?" I found myself asking. "What can I learn from this?", "What did I do wrong last time?", "What am I missing?" I started to wonder why I kept getting all of these infections. I have been taught God knows all and has his reasons. We must trust in him, but sometimes I find it hard to jump.
It took over three months but, thankfully, my infection was cured. After a year of work, my knee has returned to full health and is functioning to its full capacity. God saved my knee.
Fact: If you have had a Staph infection before, you are 10 times more likely to get it again than someone who has not gotten staph. Staph is a serious infection and has been known to deadly when not treated soon enough. At times, even when treated soon enough, the infection can be lethal. It is not to be taken lightly and the four months it took out of our family's life forever changed us. I will tell you how later.
Fifth: Current: I was cutting my toenails 2 days ago. I nicked the side of my big toe. The next day it was double in size and red was streaking up my foot. I immediately went to the insta care. The culture came back today. I have another staph infection. "Hmph." I thought. I had no reaction. I may have even wanted to laugh. Kirt was a little angry. I was a little confused. I'm not trying to be dramatic in the least but...........boy does this infection want to kill me or what?!
I was in the insta care alone and had my toe cleaned out by the doctors. That is when I received the news. The doctor is Kirt's best friend's Mom whom I truly admire. She Is so kind and loving. She knew how much this scared me, due to the fact that this infection nearly killed me once before. I simply stated, "I just don't want to tell Kirt."
Kirt came to pick me up from the insta care and as I got in the car he said, "Wow. Niki. It has been such a long day. These kids are driving me nuts." I smiled and thought,. "oh great! Now this is really going to be hard telling him. Poor Kirt. This man needs a break
The previous time we had this challenge and I nearly left this life, Kirt excelled as a Father. When push came to shove he pushed, shoved, punched, and kicked back. He nursed me back to health. He was with me every step of the way. For a month Kirt was a stay at home Dad. He relates to me so much better. He is so grateful he gets to go to work in the morning. He knows being a mother is the hardest job in the world. He fought for his family and won.
The look on that mans face when I told him I had staph again was complete defeat. My heart could have shattered. I looked back to the time he had spent carrying this family through my last sickness. I could see through his brilliant blue eyes the piercing pain he was in and the fear he held inside them.
Some of the Colors of this world are very dark and hard to see through. You find yourself asking, "Where am I?" and "How did I even get here?" Sometimes they are so dark you will stop and ask, "How could I possibly learn anything more here? There is nothing left to see!!! WE'VE DONE THIS A MILLION TIMES!!!!" Often times the colors can be bright and clear. A clear mistake with a clear solution. Whenever the color is blended and I am a little confused, I stop to think. I look to a sunset, the stars, or a rainbow. I let my thoughts drift, and think to myself the many gifts in my life. I smile at each one of them. Kirt, Lexi, Chase, Landon, Beckham. I think how far we have come. How much more we value life now.
Since my near dear death in 2010, our family has changed drastically. Everything we thought mattered doesn't. The ONLY thing that matters is family and God. I truly cherish every moment with them. My house is usually messy. My laundry is never done. My dishes are usually piled high.BUT I am playing with my kids. I thought at one point I might not be there for them. That is my biggest fear. Children are messy and can drive you insane. But they are the beautiful bright clear brilliant colors we work towards and go through all the dark tunnels and twists and turns to see their beautiful sunsets. We fight for them.
I don't know why challenges come when they do. Sometimes I will learn from the challenge and others I will never find the meaning of the obstacle. I do know they have always made me stronger. My challenges color is laced with infection and tied to health struggles. I pray to god like I have before, that this infection be cured and I remain healthy and strong for my cute babies. God please cure my foot.
For all the rainbows in the world and colors so beautiful, may the sun shine bright on your rainiest day to bring up a stronger you in the morning. niki
I love the smell of bacon in the morning. It reminds me of happy days with my grandpa Ogden. Every morning he would wake us with the smell of his fresh cooked bacon. I would awake and run as fast as I could to get the best bar stool. Whoever got there first was made the first egg. I always wanted my egg first. I loved watching the sun rise and watch it slowly hit the crystal ball they always had hanging in their kitchen window. When the sun hit it just right, tiny bits of sun-light blasted all over the walls in every which direction and every different shape. Beautiful.
I love the sunset. When I was a teenager, and was needing time to think, I would climb out the window of my house, and sit on the roof up by the chimney. The colors were never the same. Purple, blue, green, yellow, orange, violet, any shade in any variety blending so beautifully into one another. The soft blending of colors brought calmness to my soul and peace to my thoughts. Life felt more simple. I would inhale the soft summer air and soak in the colors the sunset had to offer that night. Love in my heart and peace to my mind. The colors reset my thinking.
I love color. I love color in nature but I also love color in life. That's what gives us strength. Color can drive the strongest apart or the weakest together. Without color the whiteout is certain. Color is the dynamic in life that gives us the challenges we must face. Challenges are certain. Just unpredictable.
Unpredictable. My personal challenge.
First: In fifth grade I was riding my bike down a steep hill and ran into a fence and fell into a ditch. My leg had a two inch deep cut, that was about three inches long. Three days later I developed a severe Staph infection and was on IV antibiotics for a month. I visited the hospital everyday. When the infection was gone I was later told I nearly lost my leg. God had saved my leg.
Second: When I was sixteen, I got into a rollover car accident on the free-way where I was thrown 30 feet. I presumed dead at the scene of the crash. Amazingly, I survived the crash and made it to the hospital. Upon my mothers' arrival to the hospital the Doctors' informed her I was not going to make it. They stated I had a massive blood clot in my aorta. That they would not be able to get there in time to remove it, and they were waiting for it to move and I would simply bleed out. My mother was devastated..........................................................................................two hours passed..................................................................................no blood clot. A miracle. It had vanished. A broken back, a metal plate and six screws in my collar bone, and internal injuries gallor. I was alive. God saved my life.
Third: I was at work and scratched my elbow on the door frame. I went to change a patients dressing and washed my hands. I noticed the scratch on my elbow and hurried and washed it. Knowing that MRSA is a common infection looming around in care centers, I tried to be very thorough. (MRSA-is a super infection resistant to most antibiotics and extremely difficult to get rid of.) Within 2 days my arm was double in size. Within two weeks, I was on IV antibiotics. Within Three months: four hospital stays, two surgeries, and two rounds of IV antibiotics.The infection had gone in to my lymph nodes and I slept for over a month while I was being treated with medicine. I remember nothing of that time. Finally, by four months: three surgeries, three rounds of IV antibiotics, and six hospital stays, the infection was gone. I was left with little muscle and strength. BUT, I was alive. God saved my life.
Fourth: One year later. A knee ligament transplant surgery. My knee always dislocates. This surgery has fixed that. After surgery I developed a another staph infection (that is 3 so far) Instead of progressing in my physical therapy I started regressing in it. The risk of maintaining a healthy ligament lay in the balance. My leg doubled in size and the pain was intense. My knee became stiff and the risk of a second surgery was likely. "What is it you want me to learn from all of this?" I found myself asking. "What can I learn from this?", "What did I do wrong last time?", "What am I missing?" I started to wonder why I kept getting all of these infections. I have been taught God knows all and has his reasons. We must trust in him, but sometimes I find it hard to jump.
It took over three months but, thankfully, my infection was cured. After a year of work, my knee has returned to full health and is functioning to its full capacity. God saved my knee.
Fact: If you have had a Staph infection before, you are 10 times more likely to get it again than someone who has not gotten staph. Staph is a serious infection and has been known to deadly when not treated soon enough. At times, even when treated soon enough, the infection can be lethal. It is not to be taken lightly and the four months it took out of our family's life forever changed us. I will tell you how later.
Fifth: Current: I was cutting my toenails 2 days ago. I nicked the side of my big toe. The next day it was double in size and red was streaking up my foot. I immediately went to the insta care. The culture came back today. I have another staph infection. "Hmph." I thought. I had no reaction. I may have even wanted to laugh. Kirt was a little angry. I was a little confused. I'm not trying to be dramatic in the least but...........boy does this infection want to kill me or what?!
I was in the insta care alone and had my toe cleaned out by the doctors. That is when I received the news. The doctor is Kirt's best friend's Mom whom I truly admire. She Is so kind and loving. She knew how much this scared me, due to the fact that this infection nearly killed me once before. I simply stated, "I just don't want to tell Kirt."
Kirt came to pick me up from the insta care and as I got in the car he said, "Wow. Niki. It has been such a long day. These kids are driving me nuts." I smiled and thought,. "oh great! Now this is really going to be hard telling him. Poor Kirt. This man needs a break
The previous time we had this challenge and I nearly left this life, Kirt excelled as a Father. When push came to shove he pushed, shoved, punched, and kicked back. He nursed me back to health. He was with me every step of the way. For a month Kirt was a stay at home Dad. He relates to me so much better. He is so grateful he gets to go to work in the morning. He knows being a mother is the hardest job in the world. He fought for his family and won.
The look on that mans face when I told him I had staph again was complete defeat. My heart could have shattered. I looked back to the time he had spent carrying this family through my last sickness. I could see through his brilliant blue eyes the piercing pain he was in and the fear he held inside them.
Some of the Colors of this world are very dark and hard to see through. You find yourself asking, "Where am I?" and "How did I even get here?" Sometimes they are so dark you will stop and ask, "How could I possibly learn anything more here? There is nothing left to see!!! WE'VE DONE THIS A MILLION TIMES!!!!" Often times the colors can be bright and clear. A clear mistake with a clear solution. Whenever the color is blended and I am a little confused, I stop to think. I look to a sunset, the stars, or a rainbow. I let my thoughts drift, and think to myself the many gifts in my life. I smile at each one of them. Kirt, Lexi, Chase, Landon, Beckham. I think how far we have come. How much more we value life now.
Since my near dear death in 2010, our family has changed drastically. Everything we thought mattered doesn't. The ONLY thing that matters is family and God. I truly cherish every moment with them. My house is usually messy. My laundry is never done. My dishes are usually piled high.BUT I am playing with my kids. I thought at one point I might not be there for them. That is my biggest fear. Children are messy and can drive you insane. But they are the beautiful bright clear brilliant colors we work towards and go through all the dark tunnels and twists and turns to see their beautiful sunsets. We fight for them.
I don't know why challenges come when they do. Sometimes I will learn from the challenge and others I will never find the meaning of the obstacle. I do know they have always made me stronger. My challenges color is laced with infection and tied to health struggles. I pray to god like I have before, that this infection be cured and I remain healthy and strong for my cute babies. God please cure my foot.
For all the rainbows in the world and colors so beautiful, may the sun shine bright on your rainiest day to bring up a stronger you in the morning. niki
Sunday, March 3, 2013
THE LOOKING GLASS......for erin
Into the looking glass I see
two sisters meant to be.
though she six and I sixteen,
nothing could come between.
my love for her is forever growing
without her ever knowing.
Two girls
One big family.
Trials for all to bear..
First, A father for her to forever miss.
A trial I thought Unbearable.
her strength, inspiring.
Second, we both, a brother forever missing.
A trial so confusing and haunting we pray for the comfort of god each day.
God carries us through
Third. She, a mother to cancer.
I., a step-mother.
A trial feeling so unjust for my sweet sister.
A daughter needs her mother.
A trial she gave me comfort,
A trial she gave me wisdom.
A trial she faces every day.
Forth. Her sweet older brother.
Leukemia finally took his soul back to heaven.
My baby sister is only 20 and has faced a lifetime of challenges.
Her wisdom and love is endless.
To know her is an honor
to call her friend is a blessing
to be her sister is the greatest feeling in the entire world.
I am so grateful to have my step-sister Erin in my life. She is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met in my entire life. She is a blast to be around and her personality and laugh is infectious. The Challenges this woman has faced are unreal. In a matter of 5 years she lost her Dad, Mom, and Brother. ON top of all of that, My brother, her step-brother, went missing somewhere in between all of that. She makes me feel like I can handle anything.
Erin, I love you so much. You are amazing!! I will be there for you anytime you need a friend, a place to crash, money, food, a laugh, a cry, ANYTHING!!!! I AM THERE FOR YOU SISTA!!!!!
I love you so much. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am here if you need anything. Love you sis:)
two sisters meant to be.
though she six and I sixteen,
nothing could come between.
my love for her is forever growing
without her ever knowing.
Two girls
One big family.
Trials for all to bear..
First, A father for her to forever miss.
A trial I thought Unbearable.
her strength, inspiring.
Second, we both, a brother forever missing.
A trial so confusing and haunting we pray for the comfort of god each day.
God carries us through
Third. She, a mother to cancer.
I., a step-mother.
A trial feeling so unjust for my sweet sister.
A daughter needs her mother.
A trial she gave me comfort,
A trial she gave me wisdom.
A trial she faces every day.
Forth. Her sweet older brother.
Leukemia finally took his soul back to heaven.
My baby sister is only 20 and has faced a lifetime of challenges.
Her wisdom and love is endless.
To know her is an honor
to call her friend is a blessing
to be her sister is the greatest feeling in the entire world.
I am so grateful to have my step-sister Erin in my life. She is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met in my entire life. She is a blast to be around and her personality and laugh is infectious. The Challenges this woman has faced are unreal. In a matter of 5 years she lost her Dad, Mom, and Brother. ON top of all of that, My brother, her step-brother, went missing somewhere in between all of that. She makes me feel like I can handle anything.
Erin, I love you so much. You are amazing!! I will be there for you anytime you need a friend, a place to crash, money, food, a laugh, a cry, ANYTHING!!!! I AM THERE FOR YOU SISTA!!!!!
I love you so much. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am here if you need anything. Love you sis:)
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Anorexia and Bulimia
Anorexia and bulimia are two very serious diseases. And I do Mean they are diseases. Once you have it, it is very hard to treat, very hard to cure, and extremely difficulty to prevent from happening again. I'm going to be talking about my experience I have had with bulimia and anorexia. I will not be talking about what I did to make it easier not to be hungry or how I made it easier for me to throw up. One of the biggest reasons I became anorexic is because I saw a show on TV. It was on teens and anorexia. Instead of taking the message they were trying to put across, "don't starve yourself". I just thought I had gotten some really good ideas on how to curb my appetite. Of course the show was trying to do good and trying to help troubled teens by letting them know the harm they can do to their bodies. But all I heard was "here is how I lost weight fast!" For that reason I am just going to be talking about my feelings throughout the process and not how I was actually able to do everything. I would hate to trigger and girl into a life a constant paranoia of the one thing we should just savor and enjoy, FOOD!!!!!
As you might have guessed, I didn't handle my brothers disappearance very well. I decided I needed help. I went to a therapist. I do not know of one therapist who specializes in dealing with the unknown. I was told once the grieving process of the unknown is called ambiguous loss. If ambiguous loss means anything I would guess it's the definition of insanity.
I have been to a lot of therapists. Trying to find someone who wasn't so floored by the story I tell of my brothers disappearance is a little tricky. Their main response and advice given is, "Wow. I don't how you are handling all of this". One therapist I went and saw started crying while I told the story. It was so sweet that he was so tender to the situation. BUT---when I end up comforting the therapist and we end the session early because he is crying so much, something just doesn't seem right. Who specializes in this stuff??? Well, I guess I do. Anyone who has literally lost a loved one becomes an expert at the situation.
It has been so nice connecting with people who have had a loved one go missing. I don't sound as crazy as I thought I was. I am still extremely ashamed how I handled Jesse's disappearance. I was talking to a lady who's son went missing in Hawaii as well. Her response to my story about how I handled Jesse going missing and not wanting to live anymore was so kind. She said, "I think that's a pretty normal response." I laughed. Those earlier days of him being missing were next to unbearable. He is my brother. I can't imagine how a mother would feel. If it was my baby I would be a complete mess.
\Once Jesse went missing, that's when the problems started.
Blame, self-hatred, and nonredeemable guilt built up inside me. This is what all led to my Bulimia. I had already been struggling with anorexia . I could control nothing in my life. Everything was out of control. First lets talk about anorexia.
Before with anorexia everything was in control. I could control what I ate and had a lot of will power. Therefore, looking back, my emotions seemed to be a little more stable than when I was bulimic. In my anorexic days everything was timed and I made sure I did everything I was supposed to do. I was a huge perfectionist. I got the job done. I may not have been on time to things, but.........I did always pull through:) Anorexia is such a hard disease. Eating is like your worst enemy. Every time you put even the smallest thing in your mouth you feel guilty. or , for me, I had to run 4 miles just to burn it off. (yes, I was an exercise a-holic too) In one day I would exercise a minimum of 2 1/2 hours if not more. Some might say "that's not bad", but when I look back I think "Um, Go out and live your life with people not machines and running shoes." The time builds up. I feel all that exercise was a little extreme. I love to exercise but not that much.
I got really skinny. Skinny to the point that I thought maybe I needed to gain weight, I was 5'8'' and 120lbs. For me that is super tiny. My size 4 pants were baggy and I never wanted to be a size 2. Luckily I met Kirt and it was all up hill from there! hahahahahah!!! Kidding, We had 4 kids together. what to you expect? Of course I let myself go! No......I'm kidding again.
I still try to maintain a "healthy" weight, and have all my life until Jesse went missing. My perfectionist of a life went up in flames. My emotions went on a roller coaster ride for 5 years and eating went wherever the roller coaster went. That's when my eating went from zero to 100.
Here's what I really wanted to talk about, Bulimia. Bulimia is Crazy!!! It is so out of control! One minute you are stuffing your face litterally as fast as you can and the next you are bolting to the bathroom to throw it up. You are an emotional mess. I remember everytime I would eat and be planning on throwing up. When I was throwing up I would think, "I hate you niki! I hate you! It's your fault he's gone! You should have stopped him!!" and then I would feel better. Like I had just released all of my hate, all of the bad feelings I was having at that time.
Sometimes I would throw up just to throw up because I was so upset about something. If Kirt and I got in a fight, I would throw up. If I had a bad day I would throw up. It just took away that emotion. Or.......let that emotion out.
After a while my throat began to swell pretty badly. I couldn't eat anything but liquids and I definitely couldn't throw up. I got a small stomach ulcer and was in a fair amount of pain. I knew I needed help. I finally told Kirt that I was bulimic. He was like, "That's why you take so long in the bathroom." I thought he'd be mad but he was so kind and supportive. I got help. I went to therapy and I am doing better
Here's what I know now. Anorexia---you can loose weight. BUT!!!!! YOU GAIN IT BACK! and then some. It is a waste of time. It is not the diet for you. It is bad for your heart, bones, and overall health! Don't do it! Bulimia-----you never loose weight with bulimia. If anything you gain weight. Bulimia just makes you feel better about binging on junk food. You get yellow teeth, canker sores, and ulcers. NO FUN!
DO I still struggle with anorexia and bulmia? Yes. I still struggle with anorexia and bulimia. I get on and off the roller coaster. I wish I could say I was free of it and never struggled with it. But currently I am not struggling and am doing very well. I have to live a very balanced life. If my emotions get the best of me that's when I turn to bulimia. They kind of go hand in hand. If I'm not starving myself, I'm binging and purging. It a viscious cycle.
Today I can say I am not struggling with either disorder. But those of you who are, please get help. It can take over your life. We are beautiful just the way we are. We don't need a man, a magazine, or a size 4 pant to tell us so. Being you is your own kind of beautiful. No one has ever seen your kind of beauty, No one ever will see your kind of beauty, because you are one of a kind.
As you might have guessed, I didn't handle my brothers disappearance very well. I decided I needed help. I went to a therapist. I do not know of one therapist who specializes in dealing with the unknown. I was told once the grieving process of the unknown is called ambiguous loss. If ambiguous loss means anything I would guess it's the definition of insanity.
I have been to a lot of therapists. Trying to find someone who wasn't so floored by the story I tell of my brothers disappearance is a little tricky. Their main response and advice given is, "Wow. I don't how you are handling all of this". One therapist I went and saw started crying while I told the story. It was so sweet that he was so tender to the situation. BUT---when I end up comforting the therapist and we end the session early because he is crying so much, something just doesn't seem right. Who specializes in this stuff??? Well, I guess I do. Anyone who has literally lost a loved one becomes an expert at the situation.
It has been so nice connecting with people who have had a loved one go missing. I don't sound as crazy as I thought I was. I am still extremely ashamed how I handled Jesse's disappearance. I was talking to a lady who's son went missing in Hawaii as well. Her response to my story about how I handled Jesse going missing and not wanting to live anymore was so kind. She said, "I think that's a pretty normal response." I laughed. Those earlier days of him being missing were next to unbearable. He is my brother. I can't imagine how a mother would feel. If it was my baby I would be a complete mess.
\Once Jesse went missing, that's when the problems started.
Blame, self-hatred, and nonredeemable guilt built up inside me. This is what all led to my Bulimia. I had already been struggling with anorexia . I could control nothing in my life. Everything was out of control. First lets talk about anorexia.
Before with anorexia everything was in control. I could control what I ate and had a lot of will power. Therefore, looking back, my emotions seemed to be a little more stable than when I was bulimic. In my anorexic days everything was timed and I made sure I did everything I was supposed to do. I was a huge perfectionist. I got the job done. I may not have been on time to things, but.........I did always pull through:) Anorexia is such a hard disease. Eating is like your worst enemy. Every time you put even the smallest thing in your mouth you feel guilty. or , for me, I had to run 4 miles just to burn it off. (yes, I was an exercise a-holic too) In one day I would exercise a minimum of 2 1/2 hours if not more. Some might say "that's not bad", but when I look back I think "Um, Go out and live your life with people not machines and running shoes." The time builds up. I feel all that exercise was a little extreme. I love to exercise but not that much.
I got really skinny. Skinny to the point that I thought maybe I needed to gain weight, I was 5'8'' and 120lbs. For me that is super tiny. My size 4 pants were baggy and I never wanted to be a size 2. Luckily I met Kirt and it was all up hill from there! hahahahahah!!! Kidding, We had 4 kids together. what to you expect? Of course I let myself go! No......I'm kidding again.
I still try to maintain a "healthy" weight, and have all my life until Jesse went missing. My perfectionist of a life went up in flames. My emotions went on a roller coaster ride for 5 years and eating went wherever the roller coaster went. That's when my eating went from zero to 100.
Here's what I really wanted to talk about, Bulimia. Bulimia is Crazy!!! It is so out of control! One minute you are stuffing your face litterally as fast as you can and the next you are bolting to the bathroom to throw it up. You are an emotional mess. I remember everytime I would eat and be planning on throwing up. When I was throwing up I would think, "I hate you niki! I hate you! It's your fault he's gone! You should have stopped him!!" and then I would feel better. Like I had just released all of my hate, all of the bad feelings I was having at that time.
Sometimes I would throw up just to throw up because I was so upset about something. If Kirt and I got in a fight, I would throw up. If I had a bad day I would throw up. It just took away that emotion. Or.......let that emotion out.
After a while my throat began to swell pretty badly. I couldn't eat anything but liquids and I definitely couldn't throw up. I got a small stomach ulcer and was in a fair amount of pain. I knew I needed help. I finally told Kirt that I was bulimic. He was like, "That's why you take so long in the bathroom." I thought he'd be mad but he was so kind and supportive. I got help. I went to therapy and I am doing better
Here's what I know now. Anorexia---you can loose weight. BUT!!!!! YOU GAIN IT BACK! and then some. It is a waste of time. It is not the diet for you. It is bad for your heart, bones, and overall health! Don't do it! Bulimia-----you never loose weight with bulimia. If anything you gain weight. Bulimia just makes you feel better about binging on junk food. You get yellow teeth, canker sores, and ulcers. NO FUN!
DO I still struggle with anorexia and bulmia? Yes. I still struggle with anorexia and bulimia. I get on and off the roller coaster. I wish I could say I was free of it and never struggled with it. But currently I am not struggling and am doing very well. I have to live a very balanced life. If my emotions get the best of me that's when I turn to bulimia. They kind of go hand in hand. If I'm not starving myself, I'm binging and purging. It a viscious cycle.
Today I can say I am not struggling with either disorder. But those of you who are, please get help. It can take over your life. We are beautiful just the way we are. We don't need a man, a magazine, or a size 4 pant to tell us so. Being you is your own kind of beautiful. No one has ever seen your kind of beauty, No one ever will see your kind of beauty, because you are one of a kind.
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