Thursday, March 7, 2013

4 sides to a Divorce

This post is just the thoughts I have had over the past 30 years on divorce and remarriage:)

I have always heard people say there are three sides to a divorce: the man's side, the women's side, and the truth. I've thought about that a lot. I used to think that was pretty accurate. Now, I think it is overlooking a very huge part of the divorce. A part that sees the good, the bad, and the ugly side of divorce. The children.
   

 I hear all the time, "Children are resilient, it won't really phase them. Half of today's couple's are getting divorced. It's pretty normal for a child to go through this. They will always have someone to talk to." I don't know if this has been your experience but it has been mine. I am a child from a divorced family and back then it was still a little unsettling to a lot of people to see a child from a "broken" home. I was unable to play with some kids because of my families'  circumstance and that was ok by me. Children are resilient. But coming from a child from a divorced family, it is anything but easy. Even if it is more "normal" in the outside world, to them, their world was just shattered.
    
 The divorce in my family was a welcomed one. My parents did not get along and I was afraid of my dad to say the least. That is all I will say on that. I love my father, and despite abuse as a child I would never want to say anything negative about him. He is a wonderful man and I hope his life is a happy one. I truly do love my dad. He is a good man. My parent just were not meant to be together.

My parents got divorced and all was chaos. We were being pulled in both directions. It was a "he" said, "she" said battle. Then we were tested to see who or what we believed. So tiring was the process. So many tears shed. So many sleepless nights. But, SO MANY lesson learned for my future family. Thank you mom and dad.

First and Foremost: KIDS ARE NOT STUPID!!! They see everything! They know there is his side, your side, and the truth. BUT! They're never going to be able to undo what THEY saw. So there is also their side. Which they will believe a whole lot more than anyone else's side. No matter how much you try to convince them.

As a child, growing up and having my parents divorced at first was pretty awesome. We would play the "get me everything" game. I'm sure all you divorced parents know that one. You know, the one where: who can get the kid the better present that week, or best vacation that year. We got some pretty sweet stuff. But if I'm honest with you, that stuff really doesn't matter in the long run. It gets really old really fast. Plus, we turn into stuck up brats. Nobody wants that.

Competing. Divorced parents should never compete with each other. The kids will see right through it. They know they are taking advantage of you. They still need to respect you. You are still their parents. I would've felt a lot more secure had my parents at least talked to each other and communicated. Even though you are divorced you still have to work as a team. That will make the transition so much smoother.

Fighting: Fighting just makes things worse and yelling will scare the children. Yelling is the first way to a road block in a relationship with your child. It scares them and a wall will start to build if you aren't careful. Speaking calmly and slowly will put the kids at ease and teach them how to handle a stressful situation. I used to think that everyone was supposed to yell when they got mad. My husband came from home that NEVER yelled. So the change was to say the least, difficult. They  will learn how to treat others by your example. They can often choose a spouse because of your example. Be careful what you say and do to one another. Because they see everything.

REMARRIAGE: As a child. (I was 16, so not really a child) My father got remarried pretty quickly. I was so angry! I thought I hated his new wife. In truth I was just mad at my father. I ended up loving my new step-mother. She was  constantly loving despite how unconditionally mean I was to her. She always loved me back. That is how she won me over. She literally killed me with kindness. I love her for it. (She passed away from ovarian cancer and I miss her dearly.)

While they were married, the one thing they did right was, they always made us feel welcome. We were so mad at our father for getting remarried so fast. (One month after the divorce was final.) We never wanted to come and visit. Dad would still always come to the house to see if anyone was coming. Or he would call just to say "hi". Little things to know he cared. The key was consistency and persistence. He never gave up. He convinced us he still cared about us.  It is never the big trips or the big presents kids care about. it is the phone calls, texts,  and the stopping by that let them know you care. Their persistence paid off and we started to come around more. We felt cared for.

Tips: They tell you they hate you? Obviously that's not true. If they say that with any emotion whatsoever, they don't hate you. You have hurt them so deeply they don't know what else to say. Never get into a relationship and pick one family over the other. In the end you will regret the decision. Try to involve both families. At least let them know you care.  Don't ever cut off communication with your own family.  I just spoke to a man I worked with who just went to the his sons funeral. He and his wife of 10 years attended the funeral. The wife wanted nothing to do with his kids. So the man had not seen or been in contact with his kids for over 9 1/2 years. I will never forget what he said to me. He said, "I never thought I would be a stranger at my own sons funeral." he paused and then regrettably said, "I should have tried harder to make things work."

Pride gets in the way of a lot of things and I hope it doesn't get in the way of your marriage or your divorce or even your remarriage. I know sometimes I have a hard time with it. I am definitely not perfect. These are just a few things I have learned from in my own personal life. I know there is so much more that people out there know and have learned but that is my taste on it.

All that matters is how the kids are doing. Make sure your kids are ok. You made the decision to get married. Now you made the decision to get divorced. Handle it well and so will the kids. Yelling scares them. Fighting will make them bitter and angry. Laughing will make them fun and funny. The "he" said "she" said game hurts them. It tears them up inside. If you love them, do not speak badly about each other. They love both of you. They do not want to pick a side. Don't make them.

Good luck all you parents! Don't be too hard on yourself, remember its the little things that count. They don't care about the big stuff. Play cards with them, have a tea party, wrestle, go to their games, just be there when they need you. You are amazing parent you have to believe in yourself!



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This blog is mainly written by Niki Michaelis. There have been two other co-writers so far: Jenna Pinegar and Sarah Cook. If you need help finding a loved one please contact me. I would be more than willing to put your loved ones picture up and story to get more people looking for your loved one. Email me at themissingpiece777@gmail.com. Will contact you as soon as possible.