This post is just the thoughts I have had over the past 30 years on divorce and remarriage:)
I have always heard people say there are three sides to a divorce: the man's side, the women's side, and the truth. I've thought about that a lot. I used to think that was pretty accurate. Now, I think it is overlooking a very huge part of the divorce. A part that sees the good, the bad, and the ugly side of divorce. The children.
I hear all the time, "Children are resilient, it won't really phase them. Half of today's couple's are getting divorced. It's pretty normal for a child to go through this. They will always have someone to talk to." I don't know if this has been your experience but it has been mine. I am a child from a divorced family and back then it was still a little unsettling to a lot of people to see a child from a "broken" home. I was unable to play with some kids because of my families' circumstance and that was ok by me. Children are resilient. But coming from a child from a divorced family, it is anything but easy. Even if it is more "normal" in the outside world, to them, their world was just shattered.
The divorce in my family was a welcomed one. My parents did not get along and I was afraid of my dad to say the least. That is all I will say on that. I love my father, and despite abuse as a child I would never want to say anything negative about him. He is a wonderful man and I hope his life is a happy one. I truly do love my dad. He is a good man. My parent just were not meant to be together.
My parents got divorced and all was chaos. We were being pulled in both directions. It was a "he" said, "she" said battle. Then we were tested to see who or what we believed. So tiring was the process. So many tears shed. So many sleepless nights. But, SO MANY lesson learned for my future family. Thank you mom and dad.
First and Foremost: KIDS ARE NOT STUPID!!! They see everything! They know there is his side, your side, and the truth. BUT! They're never going to be able to undo what THEY saw. So there is also their side. Which they will believe a whole lot more than anyone else's side. No matter how much you try to convince them.
As a child, growing up and having my parents divorced at first was pretty awesome. We would play the "get me everything" game. I'm sure all you divorced parents know that one. You know, the one where: who can get the kid the better present that week, or best vacation that year. We got some pretty sweet stuff. But if I'm honest with you, that stuff really doesn't matter in the long run. It gets really old really fast. Plus, we turn into stuck up brats. Nobody wants that.
Competing. Divorced parents should never compete with each other. The kids will see right through it. They know they are taking advantage of you. They still need to respect you. You are still their parents. I would've felt a lot more secure had my parents at least talked to each other and communicated. Even though you are divorced you still have to work as a team. That will make the transition so much smoother.
Fighting: Fighting just makes things worse and yelling will scare the children. Yelling is the first way to a road block in a relationship with your child. It scares them and a wall will start to build if you aren't careful. Speaking calmly and slowly will put the kids at ease and teach them how to handle a stressful situation. I used to think that everyone was supposed to yell when they got mad. My husband came from home that NEVER yelled. So the change was to say the least, difficult. They will learn how to treat others by your example. They can often choose a spouse because of your example. Be careful what you say and do to one another. Because they see everything.
REMARRIAGE: As a child. (I was 16, so not really a child) My father got remarried pretty quickly. I was so angry! I thought I hated his new wife. In truth I was just mad at my father. I ended up loving my new step-mother. She was constantly loving despite how unconditionally mean I was to her. She always loved me back. That is how she won me over. She literally killed me with kindness. I love her for it. (She passed away from ovarian cancer and I miss her dearly.)
While they were married, the one thing they did right was, they always made us feel welcome. We were so mad at our father for getting remarried so fast. (One month after the divorce was final.) We never wanted to come and visit. Dad would still always come to the house to see if anyone was coming. Or he would call just to say "hi". Little things to know he cared. The key was consistency and persistence. He never gave up. He convinced us he still cared about us. It is never the big trips or the big presents kids care about. it is the phone calls, texts, and the stopping by that let them know you care. Their persistence paid off and we started to come around more. We felt cared for.
Tips: They tell you they hate you? Obviously that's not true. If they say that with any emotion whatsoever, they don't hate you. You have hurt them so deeply they don't know what else to say. Never get into a relationship and pick one family over the other. In the end you will regret the decision. Try to involve both families. At least let them know you care. Don't ever cut off communication with your own family. I just spoke to a man I worked with who just went to the his sons funeral. He and his wife of 10 years attended the funeral. The wife wanted nothing to do with his kids. So the man had not seen or been in contact with his kids for over 9 1/2 years. I will never forget what he said to me. He said, "I never thought I would be a stranger at my own sons funeral." he paused and then regrettably said, "I should have tried harder to make things work."
Pride gets in the way of a lot of things and I hope it doesn't get in the way of your marriage or your divorce or even your remarriage. I know sometimes I have a hard time with it. I am definitely not perfect. These are just a few things I have learned from in my own personal life. I know there is so much more that people out there know and have learned but that is my taste on it.
All that matters is how the kids are doing. Make sure your kids are ok. You made the decision to get married. Now you made the decision to get divorced. Handle it well and so will the kids. Yelling scares them. Fighting will make them bitter and angry. Laughing will make them fun and funny. The "he" said "she" said game hurts them. It tears them up inside. If you love them, do not speak badly about each other. They love both of you. They do not want to pick a side. Don't make them.
Good luck all you parents! Don't be too hard on yourself, remember its the little things that count. They don't care about the big stuff. Play cards with them, have a tea party, wrestle, go to their games, just be there when they need you. You are amazing parent you have to believe in yourself!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
COLORS
I love life. I think it is so much fun. I love to wake up in the summer and hear the buzz of lawn mowers in the morning. The smell of fresh cut grass makes my morning run feel refreshing and uplifting all at the same time. I love to come home and see the smiles on all four of my beautiful children's faces as I walk into the front door. Beckham, the tiniest of the four, comes bolting to my calves screaming "Mommy!!!" as if he hasn't seen me in years, while the others follow. They are starving, so I begin to cook breakfast.
I love the smell of bacon in the morning. It reminds me of happy days with my grandpa Ogden. Every morning he would wake us with the smell of his fresh cooked bacon. I would awake and run as fast as I could to get the best bar stool. Whoever got there first was made the first egg. I always wanted my egg first. I loved watching the sun rise and watch it slowly hit the crystal ball they always had hanging in their kitchen window. When the sun hit it just right, tiny bits of sun-light blasted all over the walls in every which direction and every different shape. Beautiful.
I love the sunset. When I was a teenager, and was needing time to think, I would climb out the window of my house, and sit on the roof up by the chimney. The colors were never the same. Purple, blue, green, yellow, orange, violet, any shade in any variety blending so beautifully into one another. The soft blending of colors brought calmness to my soul and peace to my thoughts. Life felt more simple. I would inhale the soft summer air and soak in the colors the sunset had to offer that night. Love in my heart and peace to my mind. The colors reset my thinking.
I love color. I love color in nature but I also love color in life. That's what gives us strength. Color can drive the strongest apart or the weakest together. Without color the whiteout is certain. Color is the dynamic in life that gives us the challenges we must face. Challenges are certain. Just unpredictable.
Unpredictable. My personal challenge.
First: In fifth grade I was riding my bike down a steep hill and ran into a fence and fell into a ditch. My leg had a two inch deep cut, that was about three inches long. Three days later I developed a severe Staph infection and was on IV antibiotics for a month. I visited the hospital everyday. When the infection was gone I was later told I nearly lost my leg. God had saved my leg.
Second: When I was sixteen, I got into a rollover car accident on the free-way where I was thrown 30 feet. I presumed dead at the scene of the crash. Amazingly, I survived the crash and made it to the hospital. Upon my mothers' arrival to the hospital the Doctors' informed her I was not going to make it. They stated I had a massive blood clot in my aorta. That they would not be able to get there in time to remove it, and they were waiting for it to move and I would simply bleed out. My mother was devastated..........................................................................................two hours passed..................................................................................no blood clot. A miracle. It had vanished. A broken back, a metal plate and six screws in my collar bone, and internal injuries gallor. I was alive. God saved my life.
Third: I was at work and scratched my elbow on the door frame. I went to change a patients dressing and washed my hands. I noticed the scratch on my elbow and hurried and washed it. Knowing that MRSA is a common infection looming around in care centers, I tried to be very thorough. (MRSA-is a super infection resistant to most antibiotics and extremely difficult to get rid of.) Within 2 days my arm was double in size. Within two weeks, I was on IV antibiotics. Within Three months: four hospital stays, two surgeries, and two rounds of IV antibiotics.The infection had gone in to my lymph nodes and I slept for over a month while I was being treated with medicine. I remember nothing of that time. Finally, by four months: three surgeries, three rounds of IV antibiotics, and six hospital stays, the infection was gone. I was left with little muscle and strength. BUT, I was alive. God saved my life.
Fourth: One year later. A knee ligament transplant surgery. My knee always dislocates. This surgery has fixed that. After surgery I developed a another staph infection (that is 3 so far) Instead of progressing in my physical therapy I started regressing in it. The risk of maintaining a healthy ligament lay in the balance. My leg doubled in size and the pain was intense. My knee became stiff and the risk of a second surgery was likely. "What is it you want me to learn from all of this?" I found myself asking. "What can I learn from this?", "What did I do wrong last time?", "What am I missing?" I started to wonder why I kept getting all of these infections. I have been taught God knows all and has his reasons. We must trust in him, but sometimes I find it hard to jump.
It took over three months but, thankfully, my infection was cured. After a year of work, my knee has returned to full health and is functioning to its full capacity. God saved my knee.
Fact: If you have had a Staph infection before, you are 10 times more likely to get it again than someone who has not gotten staph. Staph is a serious infection and has been known to deadly when not treated soon enough. At times, even when treated soon enough, the infection can be lethal. It is not to be taken lightly and the four months it took out of our family's life forever changed us. I will tell you how later.
Fifth: Current: I was cutting my toenails 2 days ago. I nicked the side of my big toe. The next day it was double in size and red was streaking up my foot. I immediately went to the insta care. The culture came back today. I have another staph infection. "Hmph." I thought. I had no reaction. I may have even wanted to laugh. Kirt was a little angry. I was a little confused. I'm not trying to be dramatic in the least but...........boy does this infection want to kill me or what?!
I was in the insta care alone and had my toe cleaned out by the doctors. That is when I received the news. The doctor is Kirt's best friend's Mom whom I truly admire. She Is so kind and loving. She knew how much this scared me, due to the fact that this infection nearly killed me once before. I simply stated, "I just don't want to tell Kirt."
Kirt came to pick me up from the insta care and as I got in the car he said, "Wow. Niki. It has been such a long day. These kids are driving me nuts." I smiled and thought,. "oh great! Now this is really going to be hard telling him. Poor Kirt. This man needs a break
The previous time we had this challenge and I nearly left this life, Kirt excelled as a Father. When push came to shove he pushed, shoved, punched, and kicked back. He nursed me back to health. He was with me every step of the way. For a month Kirt was a stay at home Dad. He relates to me so much better. He is so grateful he gets to go to work in the morning. He knows being a mother is the hardest job in the world. He fought for his family and won.
The look on that mans face when I told him I had staph again was complete defeat. My heart could have shattered. I looked back to the time he had spent carrying this family through my last sickness. I could see through his brilliant blue eyes the piercing pain he was in and the fear he held inside them.
Some of the Colors of this world are very dark and hard to see through. You find yourself asking, "Where am I?" and "How did I even get here?" Sometimes they are so dark you will stop and ask, "How could I possibly learn anything more here? There is nothing left to see!!! WE'VE DONE THIS A MILLION TIMES!!!!" Often times the colors can be bright and clear. A clear mistake with a clear solution. Whenever the color is blended and I am a little confused, I stop to think. I look to a sunset, the stars, or a rainbow. I let my thoughts drift, and think to myself the many gifts in my life. I smile at each one of them. Kirt, Lexi, Chase, Landon, Beckham. I think how far we have come. How much more we value life now.
Since my near dear death in 2010, our family has changed drastically. Everything we thought mattered doesn't. The ONLY thing that matters is family and God. I truly cherish every moment with them. My house is usually messy. My laundry is never done. My dishes are usually piled high.BUT I am playing with my kids. I thought at one point I might not be there for them. That is my biggest fear. Children are messy and can drive you insane. But they are the beautiful bright clear brilliant colors we work towards and go through all the dark tunnels and twists and turns to see their beautiful sunsets. We fight for them.
I don't know why challenges come when they do. Sometimes I will learn from the challenge and others I will never find the meaning of the obstacle. I do know they have always made me stronger. My challenges color is laced with infection and tied to health struggles. I pray to god like I have before, that this infection be cured and I remain healthy and strong for my cute babies. God please cure my foot.
For all the rainbows in the world and colors so beautiful, may the sun shine bright on your rainiest day to bring up a stronger you in the morning. niki
I love the smell of bacon in the morning. It reminds me of happy days with my grandpa Ogden. Every morning he would wake us with the smell of his fresh cooked bacon. I would awake and run as fast as I could to get the best bar stool. Whoever got there first was made the first egg. I always wanted my egg first. I loved watching the sun rise and watch it slowly hit the crystal ball they always had hanging in their kitchen window. When the sun hit it just right, tiny bits of sun-light blasted all over the walls in every which direction and every different shape. Beautiful.
I love the sunset. When I was a teenager, and was needing time to think, I would climb out the window of my house, and sit on the roof up by the chimney. The colors were never the same. Purple, blue, green, yellow, orange, violet, any shade in any variety blending so beautifully into one another. The soft blending of colors brought calmness to my soul and peace to my thoughts. Life felt more simple. I would inhale the soft summer air and soak in the colors the sunset had to offer that night. Love in my heart and peace to my mind. The colors reset my thinking.
I love color. I love color in nature but I also love color in life. That's what gives us strength. Color can drive the strongest apart or the weakest together. Without color the whiteout is certain. Color is the dynamic in life that gives us the challenges we must face. Challenges are certain. Just unpredictable.
Unpredictable. My personal challenge.
First: In fifth grade I was riding my bike down a steep hill and ran into a fence and fell into a ditch. My leg had a two inch deep cut, that was about three inches long. Three days later I developed a severe Staph infection and was on IV antibiotics for a month. I visited the hospital everyday. When the infection was gone I was later told I nearly lost my leg. God had saved my leg.
Second: When I was sixteen, I got into a rollover car accident on the free-way where I was thrown 30 feet. I presumed dead at the scene of the crash. Amazingly, I survived the crash and made it to the hospital. Upon my mothers' arrival to the hospital the Doctors' informed her I was not going to make it. They stated I had a massive blood clot in my aorta. That they would not be able to get there in time to remove it, and they were waiting for it to move and I would simply bleed out. My mother was devastated..........................................................................................two hours passed..................................................................................no blood clot. A miracle. It had vanished. A broken back, a metal plate and six screws in my collar bone, and internal injuries gallor. I was alive. God saved my life.
Third: I was at work and scratched my elbow on the door frame. I went to change a patients dressing and washed my hands. I noticed the scratch on my elbow and hurried and washed it. Knowing that MRSA is a common infection looming around in care centers, I tried to be very thorough. (MRSA-is a super infection resistant to most antibiotics and extremely difficult to get rid of.) Within 2 days my arm was double in size. Within two weeks, I was on IV antibiotics. Within Three months: four hospital stays, two surgeries, and two rounds of IV antibiotics.The infection had gone in to my lymph nodes and I slept for over a month while I was being treated with medicine. I remember nothing of that time. Finally, by four months: three surgeries, three rounds of IV antibiotics, and six hospital stays, the infection was gone. I was left with little muscle and strength. BUT, I was alive. God saved my life.
Fourth: One year later. A knee ligament transplant surgery. My knee always dislocates. This surgery has fixed that. After surgery I developed a another staph infection (that is 3 so far) Instead of progressing in my physical therapy I started regressing in it. The risk of maintaining a healthy ligament lay in the balance. My leg doubled in size and the pain was intense. My knee became stiff and the risk of a second surgery was likely. "What is it you want me to learn from all of this?" I found myself asking. "What can I learn from this?", "What did I do wrong last time?", "What am I missing?" I started to wonder why I kept getting all of these infections. I have been taught God knows all and has his reasons. We must trust in him, but sometimes I find it hard to jump.
It took over three months but, thankfully, my infection was cured. After a year of work, my knee has returned to full health and is functioning to its full capacity. God saved my knee.
Fact: If you have had a Staph infection before, you are 10 times more likely to get it again than someone who has not gotten staph. Staph is a serious infection and has been known to deadly when not treated soon enough. At times, even when treated soon enough, the infection can be lethal. It is not to be taken lightly and the four months it took out of our family's life forever changed us. I will tell you how later.
Fifth: Current: I was cutting my toenails 2 days ago. I nicked the side of my big toe. The next day it was double in size and red was streaking up my foot. I immediately went to the insta care. The culture came back today. I have another staph infection. "Hmph." I thought. I had no reaction. I may have even wanted to laugh. Kirt was a little angry. I was a little confused. I'm not trying to be dramatic in the least but...........boy does this infection want to kill me or what?!
I was in the insta care alone and had my toe cleaned out by the doctors. That is when I received the news. The doctor is Kirt's best friend's Mom whom I truly admire. She Is so kind and loving. She knew how much this scared me, due to the fact that this infection nearly killed me once before. I simply stated, "I just don't want to tell Kirt."
Kirt came to pick me up from the insta care and as I got in the car he said, "Wow. Niki. It has been such a long day. These kids are driving me nuts." I smiled and thought,. "oh great! Now this is really going to be hard telling him. Poor Kirt. This man needs a break
The previous time we had this challenge and I nearly left this life, Kirt excelled as a Father. When push came to shove he pushed, shoved, punched, and kicked back. He nursed me back to health. He was with me every step of the way. For a month Kirt was a stay at home Dad. He relates to me so much better. He is so grateful he gets to go to work in the morning. He knows being a mother is the hardest job in the world. He fought for his family and won.
The look on that mans face when I told him I had staph again was complete defeat. My heart could have shattered. I looked back to the time he had spent carrying this family through my last sickness. I could see through his brilliant blue eyes the piercing pain he was in and the fear he held inside them.
Some of the Colors of this world are very dark and hard to see through. You find yourself asking, "Where am I?" and "How did I even get here?" Sometimes they are so dark you will stop and ask, "How could I possibly learn anything more here? There is nothing left to see!!! WE'VE DONE THIS A MILLION TIMES!!!!" Often times the colors can be bright and clear. A clear mistake with a clear solution. Whenever the color is blended and I am a little confused, I stop to think. I look to a sunset, the stars, or a rainbow. I let my thoughts drift, and think to myself the many gifts in my life. I smile at each one of them. Kirt, Lexi, Chase, Landon, Beckham. I think how far we have come. How much more we value life now.
Since my near dear death in 2010, our family has changed drastically. Everything we thought mattered doesn't. The ONLY thing that matters is family and God. I truly cherish every moment with them. My house is usually messy. My laundry is never done. My dishes are usually piled high.BUT I am playing with my kids. I thought at one point I might not be there for them. That is my biggest fear. Children are messy and can drive you insane. But they are the beautiful bright clear brilliant colors we work towards and go through all the dark tunnels and twists and turns to see their beautiful sunsets. We fight for them.
I don't know why challenges come when they do. Sometimes I will learn from the challenge and others I will never find the meaning of the obstacle. I do know they have always made me stronger. My challenges color is laced with infection and tied to health struggles. I pray to god like I have before, that this infection be cured and I remain healthy and strong for my cute babies. God please cure my foot.
For all the rainbows in the world and colors so beautiful, may the sun shine bright on your rainiest day to bring up a stronger you in the morning. niki
Sunday, March 3, 2013
THE LOOKING GLASS......for erin
Into the looking glass I see
two sisters meant to be.
though she six and I sixteen,
nothing could come between.
my love for her is forever growing
without her ever knowing.
Two girls
One big family.
Trials for all to bear..
First, A father for her to forever miss.
A trial I thought Unbearable.
her strength, inspiring.
Second, we both, a brother forever missing.
A trial so confusing and haunting we pray for the comfort of god each day.
God carries us through
Third. She, a mother to cancer.
I., a step-mother.
A trial feeling so unjust for my sweet sister.
A daughter needs her mother.
A trial she gave me comfort,
A trial she gave me wisdom.
A trial she faces every day.
Forth. Her sweet older brother.
Leukemia finally took his soul back to heaven.
My baby sister is only 20 and has faced a lifetime of challenges.
Her wisdom and love is endless.
To know her is an honor
to call her friend is a blessing
to be her sister is the greatest feeling in the entire world.
I am so grateful to have my step-sister Erin in my life. She is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met in my entire life. She is a blast to be around and her personality and laugh is infectious. The Challenges this woman has faced are unreal. In a matter of 5 years she lost her Dad, Mom, and Brother. ON top of all of that, My brother, her step-brother, went missing somewhere in between all of that. She makes me feel like I can handle anything.
Erin, I love you so much. You are amazing!! I will be there for you anytime you need a friend, a place to crash, money, food, a laugh, a cry, ANYTHING!!!! I AM THERE FOR YOU SISTA!!!!!
I love you so much. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am here if you need anything. Love you sis:)
two sisters meant to be.
though she six and I sixteen,
nothing could come between.
my love for her is forever growing
without her ever knowing.
Two girls
One big family.
Trials for all to bear..
First, A father for her to forever miss.
A trial I thought Unbearable.
her strength, inspiring.
Second, we both, a brother forever missing.
A trial so confusing and haunting we pray for the comfort of god each day.
God carries us through
Third. She, a mother to cancer.
I., a step-mother.
A trial feeling so unjust for my sweet sister.
A daughter needs her mother.
A trial she gave me comfort,
A trial she gave me wisdom.
A trial she faces every day.
Forth. Her sweet older brother.
Leukemia finally took his soul back to heaven.
My baby sister is only 20 and has faced a lifetime of challenges.
Her wisdom and love is endless.
To know her is an honor
to call her friend is a blessing
to be her sister is the greatest feeling in the entire world.
I am so grateful to have my step-sister Erin in my life. She is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met in my entire life. She is a blast to be around and her personality and laugh is infectious. The Challenges this woman has faced are unreal. In a matter of 5 years she lost her Dad, Mom, and Brother. ON top of all of that, My brother, her step-brother, went missing somewhere in between all of that. She makes me feel like I can handle anything.
Erin, I love you so much. You are amazing!! I will be there for you anytime you need a friend, a place to crash, money, food, a laugh, a cry, ANYTHING!!!! I AM THERE FOR YOU SISTA!!!!!
I love you so much. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am here if you need anything. Love you sis:)
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Anorexia and Bulimia
Anorexia and bulimia are two very serious diseases. And I do Mean they are diseases. Once you have it, it is very hard to treat, very hard to cure, and extremely difficulty to prevent from happening again. I'm going to be talking about my experience I have had with bulimia and anorexia. I will not be talking about what I did to make it easier not to be hungry or how I made it easier for me to throw up. One of the biggest reasons I became anorexic is because I saw a show on TV. It was on teens and anorexia. Instead of taking the message they were trying to put across, "don't starve yourself". I just thought I had gotten some really good ideas on how to curb my appetite. Of course the show was trying to do good and trying to help troubled teens by letting them know the harm they can do to their bodies. But all I heard was "here is how I lost weight fast!" For that reason I am just going to be talking about my feelings throughout the process and not how I was actually able to do everything. I would hate to trigger and girl into a life a constant paranoia of the one thing we should just savor and enjoy, FOOD!!!!!
As you might have guessed, I didn't handle my brothers disappearance very well. I decided I needed help. I went to a therapist. I do not know of one therapist who specializes in dealing with the unknown. I was told once the grieving process of the unknown is called ambiguous loss. If ambiguous loss means anything I would guess it's the definition of insanity.
I have been to a lot of therapists. Trying to find someone who wasn't so floored by the story I tell of my brothers disappearance is a little tricky. Their main response and advice given is, "Wow. I don't how you are handling all of this". One therapist I went and saw started crying while I told the story. It was so sweet that he was so tender to the situation. BUT---when I end up comforting the therapist and we end the session early because he is crying so much, something just doesn't seem right. Who specializes in this stuff??? Well, I guess I do. Anyone who has literally lost a loved one becomes an expert at the situation.
It has been so nice connecting with people who have had a loved one go missing. I don't sound as crazy as I thought I was. I am still extremely ashamed how I handled Jesse's disappearance. I was talking to a lady who's son went missing in Hawaii as well. Her response to my story about how I handled Jesse going missing and not wanting to live anymore was so kind. She said, "I think that's a pretty normal response." I laughed. Those earlier days of him being missing were next to unbearable. He is my brother. I can't imagine how a mother would feel. If it was my baby I would be a complete mess.
\Once Jesse went missing, that's when the problems started.
Blame, self-hatred, and nonredeemable guilt built up inside me. This is what all led to my Bulimia. I had already been struggling with anorexia . I could control nothing in my life. Everything was out of control. First lets talk about anorexia.
Before with anorexia everything was in control. I could control what I ate and had a lot of will power. Therefore, looking back, my emotions seemed to be a little more stable than when I was bulimic. In my anorexic days everything was timed and I made sure I did everything I was supposed to do. I was a huge perfectionist. I got the job done. I may not have been on time to things, but.........I did always pull through:) Anorexia is such a hard disease. Eating is like your worst enemy. Every time you put even the smallest thing in your mouth you feel guilty. or , for me, I had to run 4 miles just to burn it off. (yes, I was an exercise a-holic too) In one day I would exercise a minimum of 2 1/2 hours if not more. Some might say "that's not bad", but when I look back I think "Um, Go out and live your life with people not machines and running shoes." The time builds up. I feel all that exercise was a little extreme. I love to exercise but not that much.
I got really skinny. Skinny to the point that I thought maybe I needed to gain weight, I was 5'8'' and 120lbs. For me that is super tiny. My size 4 pants were baggy and I never wanted to be a size 2. Luckily I met Kirt and it was all up hill from there! hahahahahah!!! Kidding, We had 4 kids together. what to you expect? Of course I let myself go! No......I'm kidding again.
I still try to maintain a "healthy" weight, and have all my life until Jesse went missing. My perfectionist of a life went up in flames. My emotions went on a roller coaster ride for 5 years and eating went wherever the roller coaster went. That's when my eating went from zero to 100.
Here's what I really wanted to talk about, Bulimia. Bulimia is Crazy!!! It is so out of control! One minute you are stuffing your face litterally as fast as you can and the next you are bolting to the bathroom to throw it up. You are an emotional mess. I remember everytime I would eat and be planning on throwing up. When I was throwing up I would think, "I hate you niki! I hate you! It's your fault he's gone! You should have stopped him!!" and then I would feel better. Like I had just released all of my hate, all of the bad feelings I was having at that time.
Sometimes I would throw up just to throw up because I was so upset about something. If Kirt and I got in a fight, I would throw up. If I had a bad day I would throw up. It just took away that emotion. Or.......let that emotion out.
After a while my throat began to swell pretty badly. I couldn't eat anything but liquids and I definitely couldn't throw up. I got a small stomach ulcer and was in a fair amount of pain. I knew I needed help. I finally told Kirt that I was bulimic. He was like, "That's why you take so long in the bathroom." I thought he'd be mad but he was so kind and supportive. I got help. I went to therapy and I am doing better
Here's what I know now. Anorexia---you can loose weight. BUT!!!!! YOU GAIN IT BACK! and then some. It is a waste of time. It is not the diet for you. It is bad for your heart, bones, and overall health! Don't do it! Bulimia-----you never loose weight with bulimia. If anything you gain weight. Bulimia just makes you feel better about binging on junk food. You get yellow teeth, canker sores, and ulcers. NO FUN!
DO I still struggle with anorexia and bulmia? Yes. I still struggle with anorexia and bulimia. I get on and off the roller coaster. I wish I could say I was free of it and never struggled with it. But currently I am not struggling and am doing very well. I have to live a very balanced life. If my emotions get the best of me that's when I turn to bulimia. They kind of go hand in hand. If I'm not starving myself, I'm binging and purging. It a viscious cycle.
Today I can say I am not struggling with either disorder. But those of you who are, please get help. It can take over your life. We are beautiful just the way we are. We don't need a man, a magazine, or a size 4 pant to tell us so. Being you is your own kind of beautiful. No one has ever seen your kind of beauty, No one ever will see your kind of beauty, because you are one of a kind.
As you might have guessed, I didn't handle my brothers disappearance very well. I decided I needed help. I went to a therapist. I do not know of one therapist who specializes in dealing with the unknown. I was told once the grieving process of the unknown is called ambiguous loss. If ambiguous loss means anything I would guess it's the definition of insanity.
I have been to a lot of therapists. Trying to find someone who wasn't so floored by the story I tell of my brothers disappearance is a little tricky. Their main response and advice given is, "Wow. I don't how you are handling all of this". One therapist I went and saw started crying while I told the story. It was so sweet that he was so tender to the situation. BUT---when I end up comforting the therapist and we end the session early because he is crying so much, something just doesn't seem right. Who specializes in this stuff??? Well, I guess I do. Anyone who has literally lost a loved one becomes an expert at the situation.
It has been so nice connecting with people who have had a loved one go missing. I don't sound as crazy as I thought I was. I am still extremely ashamed how I handled Jesse's disappearance. I was talking to a lady who's son went missing in Hawaii as well. Her response to my story about how I handled Jesse going missing and not wanting to live anymore was so kind. She said, "I think that's a pretty normal response." I laughed. Those earlier days of him being missing were next to unbearable. He is my brother. I can't imagine how a mother would feel. If it was my baby I would be a complete mess.
\Once Jesse went missing, that's when the problems started.
Blame, self-hatred, and nonredeemable guilt built up inside me. This is what all led to my Bulimia. I had already been struggling with anorexia . I could control nothing in my life. Everything was out of control. First lets talk about anorexia.
Before with anorexia everything was in control. I could control what I ate and had a lot of will power. Therefore, looking back, my emotions seemed to be a little more stable than when I was bulimic. In my anorexic days everything was timed and I made sure I did everything I was supposed to do. I was a huge perfectionist. I got the job done. I may not have been on time to things, but.........I did always pull through:) Anorexia is such a hard disease. Eating is like your worst enemy. Every time you put even the smallest thing in your mouth you feel guilty. or , for me, I had to run 4 miles just to burn it off. (yes, I was an exercise a-holic too) In one day I would exercise a minimum of 2 1/2 hours if not more. Some might say "that's not bad", but when I look back I think "Um, Go out and live your life with people not machines and running shoes." The time builds up. I feel all that exercise was a little extreme. I love to exercise but not that much.
I got really skinny. Skinny to the point that I thought maybe I needed to gain weight, I was 5'8'' and 120lbs. For me that is super tiny. My size 4 pants were baggy and I never wanted to be a size 2. Luckily I met Kirt and it was all up hill from there! hahahahahah!!! Kidding, We had 4 kids together. what to you expect? Of course I let myself go! No......I'm kidding again.
I still try to maintain a "healthy" weight, and have all my life until Jesse went missing. My perfectionist of a life went up in flames. My emotions went on a roller coaster ride for 5 years and eating went wherever the roller coaster went. That's when my eating went from zero to 100.
Here's what I really wanted to talk about, Bulimia. Bulimia is Crazy!!! It is so out of control! One minute you are stuffing your face litterally as fast as you can and the next you are bolting to the bathroom to throw it up. You are an emotional mess. I remember everytime I would eat and be planning on throwing up. When I was throwing up I would think, "I hate you niki! I hate you! It's your fault he's gone! You should have stopped him!!" and then I would feel better. Like I had just released all of my hate, all of the bad feelings I was having at that time.
Sometimes I would throw up just to throw up because I was so upset about something. If Kirt and I got in a fight, I would throw up. If I had a bad day I would throw up. It just took away that emotion. Or.......let that emotion out.
After a while my throat began to swell pretty badly. I couldn't eat anything but liquids and I definitely couldn't throw up. I got a small stomach ulcer and was in a fair amount of pain. I knew I needed help. I finally told Kirt that I was bulimic. He was like, "That's why you take so long in the bathroom." I thought he'd be mad but he was so kind and supportive. I got help. I went to therapy and I am doing better
Here's what I know now. Anorexia---you can loose weight. BUT!!!!! YOU GAIN IT BACK! and then some. It is a waste of time. It is not the diet for you. It is bad for your heart, bones, and overall health! Don't do it! Bulimia-----you never loose weight with bulimia. If anything you gain weight. Bulimia just makes you feel better about binging on junk food. You get yellow teeth, canker sores, and ulcers. NO FUN!
DO I still struggle with anorexia and bulmia? Yes. I still struggle with anorexia and bulimia. I get on and off the roller coaster. I wish I could say I was free of it and never struggled with it. But currently I am not struggling and am doing very well. I have to live a very balanced life. If my emotions get the best of me that's when I turn to bulimia. They kind of go hand in hand. If I'm not starving myself, I'm binging and purging. It a viscious cycle.
Today I can say I am not struggling with either disorder. But those of you who are, please get help. It can take over your life. We are beautiful just the way we are. We don't need a man, a magazine, or a size 4 pant to tell us so. Being you is your own kind of beautiful. No one has ever seen your kind of beauty, No one ever will see your kind of beauty, because you are one of a kind.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Angel on Earth
Have you ever had somone in your life that you know would be there for you with out a shadow of a doubt?? Someone who would be on your side no matter what? (even if you were right or wrong) Defends you when you need defending, believes you when no one elses does, and loves you like you were their own child?
This person is my Aunt Carolyn. She is absolutely one of the most amazing women I have ever met. I am so glad that she is my aunt because I get to be a part of her life. She has seen my family through some really tough times and stuck with us every time.
Carolyn is crazy. A good crazy. A fun crazy. She is a fly by the seat of her pants kinda girl, has a laugh that can fill an entire room, and has the biggest heart I have ever seen. Carolyn loves EVERYBODY. That is my favorite quality of hers. If anyone in the family needs help Carolyn is ready for action.
I didn't tell the entire story when Jesse went missing. I made it appear that my mother went alone to Hawaii. She was not. An angel was sent with her as well. My Aunt Carolyn. The reason I did not mention her before is because just to mention her in this story would not be enough. The things she has done for my family have been life saving. She let us stay at her home while my parents were getting a divorce, she is always ready to help if you get sick;), and makes you laugh even when you think there is no way you'd be able to. I love her more than I think she will ever know. She saved my family when we were in crisis and needed help and a place to stay fast. She treated us like we were her own children. I can only hope I am like her one day.
I was 16 when my parents got divorced. Dispite the welcomed outcome I was devastated. I was heart broken. Being at Aunt Carolyns home made life peaceful again. She and uncle Bruce made me feel like I was a daughter to them. All my life I had struggled to feel that feeling, Thanks to them I was able to feel what it was like to have a father who loved truly and unconditionally. It was a very wonderful feeling. Thank you Bruce.
My mom would have never gone to Hawaii had it not been for Carolyn. She paid for everything. She is an amazing sister. While there, they passed out fliers, and searched day and night for him. And when the night came and they were back in Jesse's apartment, it wasn't just my mom who scooped up all of Jesse's clothes on top of the bed. Carolyn too, piled some clothes on her side of the bed, tears welled in both their eyes. I'm sure no two sisters would think they would ever have to face the challenge to go looking for one of their sons together, not knowing if he was alive or not. The two together cried. They both lost their son.
I am so sorry for my mom and my aunt. The pain I have felt literally takes my breath away. For them, the pain must be unimaginable. I pray for them each day. I love you Aunt Carolyn. The love and compassion you have shown for my family has not gone unnoticed. We are truly amazed by your giving and open heart. You would let the entire world in if you could. Thank you for all you have done for this family. You have saved us in so many ways. I'm sure you don't even know the impact you have had on me being a mother but, I look up to you very much. I love you completely, and wish you so much peace in your life.
I think it would be a great Idea to sit back and think of all the "angels" we have in our own life. But this time don't just think it. Tell them. Angels need pixie dust! (wait, maybe that's Tinkerbell) We all could use a boost sometimes. Too often, we find ourselves regretting not saying something when we had the chance. So here it is: I challenge all to tell your "angel" why they are, and what they have done to become an angel in your life. You need to say it AND They most definitely need to hear it.
I love you Auntie!!! Thanks for being there for my family through thick and thin! niki
This person is my Aunt Carolyn. She is absolutely one of the most amazing women I have ever met. I am so glad that she is my aunt because I get to be a part of her life. She has seen my family through some really tough times and stuck with us every time.
Carolyn is crazy. A good crazy. A fun crazy. She is a fly by the seat of her pants kinda girl, has a laugh that can fill an entire room, and has the biggest heart I have ever seen. Carolyn loves EVERYBODY. That is my favorite quality of hers. If anyone in the family needs help Carolyn is ready for action.
I didn't tell the entire story when Jesse went missing. I made it appear that my mother went alone to Hawaii. She was not. An angel was sent with her as well. My Aunt Carolyn. The reason I did not mention her before is because just to mention her in this story would not be enough. The things she has done for my family have been life saving. She let us stay at her home while my parents were getting a divorce, she is always ready to help if you get sick;), and makes you laugh even when you think there is no way you'd be able to. I love her more than I think she will ever know. She saved my family when we were in crisis and needed help and a place to stay fast. She treated us like we were her own children. I can only hope I am like her one day.
I was 16 when my parents got divorced. Dispite the welcomed outcome I was devastated. I was heart broken. Being at Aunt Carolyns home made life peaceful again. She and uncle Bruce made me feel like I was a daughter to them. All my life I had struggled to feel that feeling, Thanks to them I was able to feel what it was like to have a father who loved truly and unconditionally. It was a very wonderful feeling. Thank you Bruce.
My mom would have never gone to Hawaii had it not been for Carolyn. She paid for everything. She is an amazing sister. While there, they passed out fliers, and searched day and night for him. And when the night came and they were back in Jesse's apartment, it wasn't just my mom who scooped up all of Jesse's clothes on top of the bed. Carolyn too, piled some clothes on her side of the bed, tears welled in both their eyes. I'm sure no two sisters would think they would ever have to face the challenge to go looking for one of their sons together, not knowing if he was alive or not. The two together cried. They both lost their son.
I am so sorry for my mom and my aunt. The pain I have felt literally takes my breath away. For them, the pain must be unimaginable. I pray for them each day. I love you Aunt Carolyn. The love and compassion you have shown for my family has not gone unnoticed. We are truly amazed by your giving and open heart. You would let the entire world in if you could. Thank you for all you have done for this family. You have saved us in so many ways. I'm sure you don't even know the impact you have had on me being a mother but, I look up to you very much. I love you completely, and wish you so much peace in your life.
I think it would be a great Idea to sit back and think of all the "angels" we have in our own life. But this time don't just think it. Tell them. Angels need pixie dust! (wait, maybe that's Tinkerbell) We all could use a boost sometimes. Too often, we find ourselves regretting not saying something when we had the chance. So here it is: I challenge all to tell your "angel" why they are, and what they have done to become an angel in your life. You need to say it AND They most definitely need to hear it.
I love you Auntie!!! Thanks for being there for my family through thick and thin! niki
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Unconditional Love
This has been on my mind for quite some time and I have been so scared to write about it. Mainly for people's reactions. My intention is not to offend or challenge anyone's beliefs AT ALL. I believe in god with all my heart. I realize this is a sensitive subject. I am not talking about gay rights. I will NEVER talk politics on my blog. I HATE politics!!!! I am simply talking about unconditional love and the violence I have been hearing about in the news. please take this for how it was meant and not for some huge debate.
I saw the news the other day of a teenage boy nearly beaten to death because he was gay. He was not doing anything wrong. They just knew he was gay. My was heart broken to hear that the boy had been bullied almost his entire life for his lifestyle "choice". He had been so courageous to stand tall and not hide who he was. He was not afraid to be his authentic self. We are are taught to be individuals, open minded, but most of all we are taught to love all. Regardless of choice.
Never do I say everyone has to think the same way but I do think it would be nice if we could love the same way........unconditionally.
I myself am not gay. But my heart does go out to the gay community. I have often heard the word tolerance. When I hear the word I know it means: a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religions etc; differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry. All I hear in that is an unemotional way of saying "I can tolerate you." Now-a-days people have to do at least that if they want anyone to think they are any kind of a human being. My question is, Do they really mean it? Like I said before , so many people are just going along with whatever everyone else is brave enough to speak out and say. We, the ones who NEVER, speak out, need to have a voice. I have found if I let myself be a little more open minded, a little less judgmental. and a whole lot more compassionate; I feel better inside. No book or lecture could convince me otherwise. Loving everyone for exactly who they are is pure love in its true form.
The people who are least understood need the most love. They are the hardest to get along with, the ones who will do their best to push you away, and the ones who need you the most. I see all the violence and hatred in the world and it makes me fear for my own family. If my son were gay and got the treatment some of these people were getting treated I would be so heartbroken. I hope we as mothers raising our children can raise them in the attitude of love not tolerance.
A child doesn't want tolerance he wants love. He needs to know it unconditionally. By all his peers. I think sometimes it is the adult, not the child , who needs to grow up. Start from scratch, and learn unconditional love.
Well this is my first time talking about this publicly and I have no idea how any of my family members feel about this. I believe we were all sent to this life to be tested to our very limits. I believe we were sent here to love EVERYONE. I never heard god say tolerate them, but I did hear him say love them. He also said it was not for me to judge but that it was for him to judge.
The world is an amazing place with amazing blessing all around us. Don't get yourself entangled in the politics of life when what really matters is what is standing in your front door, jumping up and down, waiting for you to come home.
Live Honestly, Laugh Whole Heartedly, Love Unconditionally
I realize I my opinions are not yours but I truly feel all should be equal in unconditional love in this world. I support those who agree with me and understand those who don't.
I saw the news the other day of a teenage boy nearly beaten to death because he was gay. He was not doing anything wrong. They just knew he was gay. My was heart broken to hear that the boy had been bullied almost his entire life for his lifestyle "choice". He had been so courageous to stand tall and not hide who he was. He was not afraid to be his authentic self. We are are taught to be individuals, open minded, but most of all we are taught to love all. Regardless of choice.
Never do I say everyone has to think the same way but I do think it would be nice if we could love the same way........unconditionally.
I myself am not gay. But my heart does go out to the gay community. I have often heard the word tolerance. When I hear the word I know it means: a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religions etc; differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry. All I hear in that is an unemotional way of saying "I can tolerate you." Now-a-days people have to do at least that if they want anyone to think they are any kind of a human being. My question is, Do they really mean it? Like I said before , so many people are just going along with whatever everyone else is brave enough to speak out and say. We, the ones who NEVER, speak out, need to have a voice. I have found if I let myself be a little more open minded, a little less judgmental. and a whole lot more compassionate; I feel better inside. No book or lecture could convince me otherwise. Loving everyone for exactly who they are is pure love in its true form.
The people who are least understood need the most love. They are the hardest to get along with, the ones who will do their best to push you away, and the ones who need you the most. I see all the violence and hatred in the world and it makes me fear for my own family. If my son were gay and got the treatment some of these people were getting treated I would be so heartbroken. I hope we as mothers raising our children can raise them in the attitude of love not tolerance.
A child doesn't want tolerance he wants love. He needs to know it unconditionally. By all his peers. I think sometimes it is the adult, not the child , who needs to grow up. Start from scratch, and learn unconditional love.
Well this is my first time talking about this publicly and I have no idea how any of my family members feel about this. I believe we were all sent to this life to be tested to our very limits. I believe we were sent here to love EVERYONE. I never heard god say tolerate them, but I did hear him say love them. He also said it was not for me to judge but that it was for him to judge.
The world is an amazing place with amazing blessing all around us. Don't get yourself entangled in the politics of life when what really matters is what is standing in your front door, jumping up and down, waiting for you to come home.
Live Honestly, Laugh Whole Heartedly, Love Unconditionally
I realize I my opinions are not yours but I truly feel all should be equal in unconditional love in this world. I support those who agree with me and understand those who don't.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Feature of the week
This blog has so many random subjects. I never know what is going to be written next. Whatever I am feeling or think I want to talk about, that is what goes up.
Eventually, I want this blog to feature one missing person a week. I want to feature their story and help spread the word about their loved one's disappearance. I think it has been so good for my family and I to FINALLY have a conversation about my brothers disappearance. You might call it on-line therapy, I call it getting real. It is so refreshing when you finally break through someone's shell and get to know the "real" person.
With my brother going missing the silence was almost deadly. First, he went missing. Second, you don't know what to think. So we as a family, tried to think positively and almost pretend he was just still living. Most appeared to go about their lives unphased by the situation. Third, we did not talk about it. We may have scratched the surface here and there, but mostly, it was just too painful to get into. The wounds are so deep. The tears so hard to control. the emotion so powerful.
My friend Emily came over to chat yesterday. LOVE her!!! She had just come back from Kauai, Hawaii. She felt she needed to talk to me and had been trying to get a hold of me but sometimes I'm not very easy to get a hold of;) Technology and me are not friends. After calling me for a few days she just showed up at my door. (I love that she loves she enough to be persistent.) I'm telling you, get a good group of friends. They will save you when you are down.
She told me how her trip went and that she went on the kololoa trail. She told me how beautiful the island was and how much fun her and her husband had. They went on a boat ride around the island and by all the cliffs and the tour guide told of a legend.
Many people have died off the kololoua trail. The cliffs there are so dangerous. The legend says that those who fall of those cliffs live on into the eternities and bring the island all its beauty.
I know there is more to the legend but it is something like that. Emily said she felt stupid but the story touched her so much that she got a little emotional. This surprisingly comforted me.The thought that he could be at rest is a great comfort. There is a 99.9999999% chance that that is the case. I just have that nagging .1111111% chance that he is still alive. And that still pulls at me evey now and again.
The tour then took them to this "dangerous" beach by the kololoua trail. Here you can build a rock type tower in honor of a loved one who has passed on. She could have built one for anyone she wanted. She built one for Jesse. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. Shocked by my own emotions, I tried to regain the words to form in my mouth, "Wow. Ummm...Thank you...." I whispered. I bowed my head and began to sob. She came over and gave me a big hug. We both sat and cried for a moment. I pulled back and said, "Thank you for doing what I cannot do yet. I am just not ready to go there." She smiled. She understood why. She got emotional and she never knew him. GREAT! I'm gonna be a wreck:)
CURSE THIS WEEK! I am a crying MESS!!! Don't worry I got it under control. They have all been happy tears, I think:)
I have the next feature of a missing person coming up. He is just like Jesse in so many ways. His mother is still desperately searching for him. He went missing in Kauai, Hawaii a few years ago. I will be keeping all posted when his story is up. When it is up, Please spread the word. This family could use all the help they can get. Thanks, niki
Eventually, I want this blog to feature one missing person a week. I want to feature their story and help spread the word about their loved one's disappearance. I think it has been so good for my family and I to FINALLY have a conversation about my brothers disappearance. You might call it on-line therapy, I call it getting real. It is so refreshing when you finally break through someone's shell and get to know the "real" person.
With my brother going missing the silence was almost deadly. First, he went missing. Second, you don't know what to think. So we as a family, tried to think positively and almost pretend he was just still living. Most appeared to go about their lives unphased by the situation. Third, we did not talk about it. We may have scratched the surface here and there, but mostly, it was just too painful to get into. The wounds are so deep. The tears so hard to control. the emotion so powerful.
My friend Emily came over to chat yesterday. LOVE her!!! She had just come back from Kauai, Hawaii. She felt she needed to talk to me and had been trying to get a hold of me but sometimes I'm not very easy to get a hold of;) Technology and me are not friends. After calling me for a few days she just showed up at my door. (I love that she loves she enough to be persistent.) I'm telling you, get a good group of friends. They will save you when you are down.
She told me how her trip went and that she went on the kololoa trail. She told me how beautiful the island was and how much fun her and her husband had. They went on a boat ride around the island and by all the cliffs and the tour guide told of a legend.
Many people have died off the kololoua trail. The cliffs there are so dangerous. The legend says that those who fall of those cliffs live on into the eternities and bring the island all its beauty.
I know there is more to the legend but it is something like that. Emily said she felt stupid but the story touched her so much that she got a little emotional. This surprisingly comforted me.The thought that he could be at rest is a great comfort. There is a 99.9999999% chance that that is the case. I just have that nagging .1111111% chance that he is still alive. And that still pulls at me evey now and again.
The tour then took them to this "dangerous" beach by the kololoua trail. Here you can build a rock type tower in honor of a loved one who has passed on. She could have built one for anyone she wanted. She built one for Jesse. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. Shocked by my own emotions, I tried to regain the words to form in my mouth, "Wow. Ummm...Thank you...." I whispered. I bowed my head and began to sob. She came over and gave me a big hug. We both sat and cried for a moment. I pulled back and said, "Thank you for doing what I cannot do yet. I am just not ready to go there." She smiled. She understood why. She got emotional and she never knew him. GREAT! I'm gonna be a wreck:)
CURSE THIS WEEK! I am a crying MESS!!! Don't worry I got it under control. They have all been happy tears, I think:)
I have the next feature of a missing person coming up. He is just like Jesse in so many ways. His mother is still desperately searching for him. He went missing in Kauai, Hawaii a few years ago. I will be keeping all posted when his story is up. When it is up, Please spread the word. This family could use all the help they can get. Thanks, niki
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)