After my long weekend with my sweet but sick and dying patient I needed a little R and R. So what better place to go than the best place in the world??? Grandma's House!!!
I had just gotten off of my 12 hour shift with my patient. He had passed away on my shift. I was a mess. I had been crying almost the entire shift and could use a nice long car ride to calm down and cry a little more. A trip to St. George would be perfect! And if you have ever met my grandma, a visit to her is always a remedy for a pick me up.
The drive to St. George is a calm and very straight one. It is about 4 hours from my home. I was completely wired from the night before. So I picked the kids up straight from my shift and headed to Grandma's. (Yup....I still want my Grandma when I'm sad;)) The kids were beyond excited that they didn't notice my crying in the front seat almost the entire way there. "Good." I thought. "Just how I wanted them to react."
We arrived at Grandma's house and the first thing I love about her is that she lives in, (what I always viewed as a child) the coolest and most beautiful Retirement community and trailer park in the world. I mean, this is no ordinary trailer park....It has a club house!!! The streets are paved and the trailers are on cement pads. Wow. My childhood self would call this place paradise. I still see this place as my personal paradise. Why? Because one of the most important people in my life lives here. Grandma. She can bring comfort to you when you think no comfort can be found. Have you ever had a person in your life like that? This place is a magical place because she lives there.
We pull up and Grandma is always sitting by her door waiting. Of course when you come to give her a hug you will notice half of her finger nail is chewed off because she has been worried about you while you have been driving. NEVER be late, or, that finger nail will be gone. Then you will feel REALLY bad.
When you give Grandma a hug it always goes with a little kiss on the lips. She is old fashioned. A kiss on the lips is traditional in the family, (only with Grandma). If you have not been warned, like my husband Kirt, it will really take you off guard, (Too funny). I love that she remains herself and never changes.
We are finally there! I instantly feel it is like I am at my own home. I realize I have been coming to this place since I have been 10 years old. I have walked these streets for 20 years!! Lexi will be 10 in 2 years. Am I really that old? Crazy. We come inside and sit and catch up on life. The kids start playing with grandma's shell's she has collected with Grandpa over the years. So beautiful.
I tell Grandma I haven't slept in 48 hours and Grandma says, "Well GRAB niki, what are you thinking? Had I known that I would have chewed off three of my finger nails!!" I laughed. Where did she get that word anyways? GRAB? I love it every time she says it. It makes no sense and yet it makes perfect sense at the same time. She is the only person in the entire world I have heard use it. So I think she invented the phrase herself.
I tell her about life and she listens. I find she is a great listener. At times I wish I knew so much more about her. I know it is how it was back then....you didn't talk too much about yourself but I wish she'd talk more about herself. She is the most selfless person you will ever meet. She does everything for everyone. What would this entire family be without her? I'm am one grandchild. I went running to her. I know we all do. That lady is so wonderful. Don't you just want to squeeze her?!
My kids are dying to go swimming so we all go swimming. Grandma comes to watch. She is always a good sport. She will stay for hours just to watch. (Beckham nearly drowned and later was taken to the hospital due to a scare with dry drowning. That will be my next post. Today is about cute grandma.)
One thing I never realized but always loved as a kid is that you can't really shower at grandma's. You usually shower at the club house. It was always an adventure. We were always getting in trouble though. Something about the floors were too wet and the elderly kept slipping and falling after we showered. We could shower forever there. Hot water lasted longer there.
I showered all the kids and we all came home and grandma literally tucked me into bed like she did when I was little and took care of the kids the rest of the night. I laughed at her. It was so cute. How can you not love her? I was so exhausted. Luckily the kids were too. We all crashed and went to sleep. I felt like a kid again. Being comforted by Grandma's love and peaceful presence.
The morning came and we were greeted with pancakes and eggs. She fixed each of us our eggs individually how we liked them cooked. Do you know how long that takes for 5 people? A long time! What patience! Breakfast is the best with grandma.
I love her bluntness. If she doesn't like something she'll tell you. I offered her a chocolate chip cookie I had made once and she said, "I'll only eat it if it has at least 3 chocolate chips in it. If it doesn't have at least 3 chocolate chips in it than it is not worth the calories." I laughed and said "OK Grandma. I'll make sure it has lots of chocolate chips:)"
Grandma loves walks. We walked with the kids and talked. We visited Grandpa's tree they planted for him when he died. We went to the movies. We went out to eat. We relaxed. We hiked. We tried to fit all we could in. Grandma tried to make sure we were entertained the entire time. But we could have been fine just sitting there. Just a blast to be with her.
When it came time to leave Grandma looks at her watch. She tells you she'll call you at a certain time. You better answer or all of her finger nail will be gone. You better be home in the time frame she gives you too. She will worry if you are not. It is always sad to leave. A part of you always wants to stay. A part feels like that place is home. She is just that special.
Being with my patient and seeing all of his grandchildren come to visit him for the last time really struck a chord with me. I have been taking care of him on and off for about 2 years now. Some of these people I have never seen. I am not faulting ANYONE. I know EVERYONE gets busy. Including me. It was so hard to look at them and see the look of regret in their eyes as they turned and looked at me and said, "There were so many times we were going to come out and visit but something always came up. We should have just come. I can't even remember why we didn't." My heart truly goes out to them. I love and care for that family so much.
Do you know it has been 3 years since I have been down to see grandma at her house? That is why I just kept driving. I didn't know she got knew carpet. (it looks great by the way.) I was so glad I got to see Grandma. She makes me so happy. She is so fun to be around. Such a comfort. She loves all of us unconditionally. Who wouldn't want to see her? She makes you laugh. She makes you smile. When you are with her you really don't have a worry in the world. So WHY NOT VISIT GRANDMA??? I don't know why it took me so long but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me by just spending 2 days with that lady. She is magical. She has a gift. She can make you feel loved like no one else can. I need to take advantage while I still can! she is absolutely amazing. I just can't say enough about her!!! WOW. I needed that. We all need that. She is just a remedy for a better life. I love her.
Family, If you have any stories about cute grandma please share. We all love her so much. She needs to know. What better way than to gush about her. For all you others out there.....gush about your loved one. They need to know:)
Sunday, April 7, 2013
5 years and counting.....
Every year it comes and every year the same reaction. I shrink away from everyone and find some excuse to keep me busy and pray to get through the day without seeing any flashbacks of the actual day we reported him missing. For some reason, that day forever haunts my memories. That day was the day that changed the entire course of the way I would live my life. It changed the way I thought, it changed my relationships with people, it changed who I was as a person. My perfect little bubble I had been living in had just been burst. Reality of all reality soaked in that day. It is a day, I'd rather did not exist anymore.
But it does. So I make the best of it. I can't say hiding from it is the best way to handle something, but its all I got right now, ok?! :) As I am writing this post my hands are shaking and my stomach is sick and tide in a million knots. It still makes me so sick not knowing where he is. Saying I know he is with God is a lie. Because I don't know that 100%. I'm never entirely sure. As I have said before, and I'm sure all my family members can agree, no closure is pure torture. Although, many would like me to say, "I know he's with God." I just can't say that. I hope he is with God. I hope he is safe. I hope he is happy. I have faith that I will see him again. I have faith that all this happened for a reason. I have faith I will find that reason.
My heart goes out to all my extended family members who are suffering as well. I know they love Jesse very much too. I love them so very much and their support through all of this has been amazing.
I say 5 years and counting, but, trust me; we are not counting. We try to forget that this is even reality. We look at pictures though, and it seems the life we had with Jesse was in a different lifetime. It kind of was, now that I think about it. Life is so different with out him here. We are so different with out him here. A family changes so much when someone goes missing. And of course when someone dies. The dynamics of the family is off. It is hard to find balance again. I still feel our balance is off. No one is replaceable in a family. If you ever feel that way, I promise you, you are wrong. Everyone has their place. Everyone is needed. Your absence would be piercing. Just as Jesse's is.
We are finally planning his memorial for this July and are so excited to celebrate his life. As I tell people this, I am surprised that I still get surprised at some people's reactions. It is so hard when those you think will be there for you are not. It is so hard not to be angry. Some have already been turning the invitations down. Some are random excuses and others are the truth. "Why are you having a memorial? You haven't found his body?" or "This is too weird and awkward for me, I'm not going to come." I am grateful they are honest. I really am. But hurt all at the same time. Remember, we are not inviting the entire world, these are close friends and family. I'm trying to put myself in their position and see it from their point of view, but dang it! I would be there for my friends and family if they asked me to, no matter how awkward it was!!!
Ok. ok. ok. I'm done. I really love them and respect their decision. But WOW. You kind of suck for saying that.
But---I can see how they might not be ready like we are. Everyone grieves differently. This is an impossible situation with emotions you might not understand yourself. I get it. I really do. Still, as I have noticed with all funerals, deaths, and memorials, emotions run high and feelings always seem to get hurt. Expectations run high and outcomes can run low.
If you have never had someone go missing in your family, I can understand it could be impossible to understand. So this is why we are doing a memorial now instead of earlier or later. We didn't do it earlier because we weren't ready to. We still haven't given up hope. We don't want to do it later because we are afraid we won't be able to find all of Jesse's old friends to help celebrate his life. We are doing it now at the 5 year mark because we feel ready. Not because we have lost hope. But because we feel this is the time to celebrate who he was as a person. We feel we can still contact those who loved him and would want to celebrate his life with us. We need some kind of closure. Although in a missing person case, we know, there never truly is until a body is found.
We may never find Jesse's body. We may never know the true story of what happened to him. Whether he fell off a cliff, committed suicide, or was murdered, we may never know. But---we can get together as family and friends and support each other in celebrating his life. It may be uncomfortable for some but not regrettable. Being there for others always feels better than when you are not there for them.
The celebration will be held on July 11th, 2013. At Noah's in Lindon, Ut. All those who loved Jesse are welcome to attend. The beginning or 1st hour will be filled with a few talks on memories of Jesse and a lot of musical numbers. Because Jesse loved music. Following the program will be really good food with Mr. Miner (Jesse's 5th grade teacher) as the DJ and lots of dancing. Jesse's old band will also be playing at the celebration so you won't want to miss it. Thank you to all who are helping make this happen!!! It is taking a lot of my energy trying to figure all of this out!!!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Looking Death in the Eyes...
As I have said before, I am a nurse. I work with nuclear and uranium poisoned patients. Lots of them are war veterans and others are old uranium miners. Most, if not all of them, have severe lung problems and struggle to breathe every second of every day. I am usually here to help them live their every day to day life. Today, one has chosen a different road. I am now here for him for a very different purpose. Hospice. I am simply here to make him comfortable. I am no longer here to help him with his day to day life. I am here to help him die as comfortably as possible.
It is a very unsettling feeling, looking over at this man I have grown quite fond of over the past year and a half, and know I am helpless in the outcome of his health. Everything I have been taught in my studies and work have just been thrown out the window as of today. My patient has decided he no longer wants to fight the battle. He wants to rest. Who can blame him? He's been fighting for years and still been sick most of the time.
As I sit in this chair and look over at this man lying in bed, I am literally looking death in the eyes. I can see it is not long until life no longer flows through this mans body. The feeling in the room is strange and I find myself afraid to witness his passing. It would not be the first time I have watched a person pass from this life to the next, but it would not make the moment any easier. Many are afraid of dying or watching someone die. Both do not scare me. At least I thought so until today.
Today I am afraid. I do not want to see this man die. He is kind and loving. Today death scares me. The feeling in the room is the same as it always is for me when someone dies. Cool, Quiet, and lonely. No matter how many people are in the room that is how it feels to me. I don't know how others feel, but this has been my experience. Today my stomach is in knots. I don't want to be in charge when he passes. Inside I still feel like I am seventeen and should never be left in charge of anything, ever. I hate that we have to grow up....
Since I have been in the health care industry I have witnessed 3 people die. When each person has died of course, I sobbed, and then I really start to reflect on my own life. This time, it is different. I know the entire family and patient. Looking death in the eyes makes me realize how unprepared I really am.
As I have talked to each patient over the years, there is one thing they will always say, "Enjoy your kids while they are young". Have any of you noticed that that it usually almost everyone's biggest advice? Maybe it is just me, but, that is the advice I ALWAYS get. SO---as I sit here looking across at my dear friend, with hardly any life left inside of him, his advice is like gold to me. A dying man's last words of advice is about his family. His lasts words of advice is about his kids.
So now, as I look over at my sleeping patient, I finally realize why I am terrified. I am terrified it is going to be me in that hospital bed. It is going to be me giving out the advice and telling my stories of regret. All I want now is to go home and squeeze my babies and be grateful for the love they bring into my life.
Sometimes it might be good for us to look death in the eyes. Face our fears and fight the obstacles life throws at us. Maybe we should treat everyone like this is the last time we will ever see them. Give them a big hug because this is the last chance you have to give them one. Say the thing you always wanted to say. (but were always too afraid to say it.) Stand up for yourself when you never had the courage to do so before.
When death stares at you, you can't help but stare back. You can't help but reflect on your own life and think, "Would I be satisfied if it all ended right here? Right now?" It's a definite "NO" for me. I am going to take my old friends advice and run with it. "A life full of regrets, is no life at all." I'm going to enjoy everything while they're young!!!
It is a very unsettling feeling, looking over at this man I have grown quite fond of over the past year and a half, and know I am helpless in the outcome of his health. Everything I have been taught in my studies and work have just been thrown out the window as of today. My patient has decided he no longer wants to fight the battle. He wants to rest. Who can blame him? He's been fighting for years and still been sick most of the time.
As I sit in this chair and look over at this man lying in bed, I am literally looking death in the eyes. I can see it is not long until life no longer flows through this mans body. The feeling in the room is strange and I find myself afraid to witness his passing. It would not be the first time I have watched a person pass from this life to the next, but it would not make the moment any easier. Many are afraid of dying or watching someone die. Both do not scare me. At least I thought so until today.
Today I am afraid. I do not want to see this man die. He is kind and loving. Today death scares me. The feeling in the room is the same as it always is for me when someone dies. Cool, Quiet, and lonely. No matter how many people are in the room that is how it feels to me. I don't know how others feel, but this has been my experience. Today my stomach is in knots. I don't want to be in charge when he passes. Inside I still feel like I am seventeen and should never be left in charge of anything, ever. I hate that we have to grow up....
Since I have been in the health care industry I have witnessed 3 people die. When each person has died of course, I sobbed, and then I really start to reflect on my own life. This time, it is different. I know the entire family and patient. Looking death in the eyes makes me realize how unprepared I really am.
As I have talked to each patient over the years, there is one thing they will always say, "Enjoy your kids while they are young". Have any of you noticed that that it usually almost everyone's biggest advice? Maybe it is just me, but, that is the advice I ALWAYS get. SO---as I sit here looking across at my dear friend, with hardly any life left inside of him, his advice is like gold to me. A dying man's last words of advice is about his family. His lasts words of advice is about his kids.
So now, as I look over at my sleeping patient, I finally realize why I am terrified. I am terrified it is going to be me in that hospital bed. It is going to be me giving out the advice and telling my stories of regret. All I want now is to go home and squeeze my babies and be grateful for the love they bring into my life.
Sometimes it might be good for us to look death in the eyes. Face our fears and fight the obstacles life throws at us. Maybe we should treat everyone like this is the last time we will ever see them. Give them a big hug because this is the last chance you have to give them one. Say the thing you always wanted to say. (but were always too afraid to say it.) Stand up for yourself when you never had the courage to do so before.
When death stares at you, you can't help but stare back. You can't help but reflect on your own life and think, "Would I be satisfied if it all ended right here? Right now?" It's a definite "NO" for me. I am going to take my old friends advice and run with it. "A life full of regrets, is no life at all." I'm going to enjoy everything while they're young!!!
A world where drills like these exist.....
I have worked two graveyard shifts in a row and my sweet little Lexi comes running out of the house to greet me upon returning home from my 12 hour shift. To say the least, I am exhausted. I am now not prossessing things in my head correctly. I need sleep. But I am so happy to see her happy face.
She hugs me and immediately says, "IT"S DRILL DAY!!! Did you remember?!" I look at her perplexed. Of course I did not remember. It was the furthest thing from my mind at that very moment. "Um.....No. I did not remember it was drill day." She looked at me half disappointed half shame-shaming me. I looked at her desperately. "Come on Lex. You gotta cut me some slack. I'm not awake. What do I need to do?" She tells me all the things I need to do and I am immediately bugged. Seriously?! Chase gets out at 10:45 AM and Lexi at 1:15 PM. I need to personally check them out of school or they will not be released. I realize it is a drill because of last December. (the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre.) Although I think it is a very needed and fantastic thing to be practicing, I am still so put out it is today of all days. I am tired and grumpy. I so don't need this today. Between picking up the two, sleep will be short lived. I struggle to fall asleep.
I end up only sleeping an hour that day. I have gotten chase. I didn't have to check him out. Picking him up was quick and easy. I had no idea what I was in for with Lexi. No idea.
Lexi calls me from the school. I am late. I feel terrible. I hurry and drive over to the school and cars are lined up all around the school and parents are walking into the school from far distances. I sigh and park. I am far away from the school. It is a walk to get there. I am still thinking very selfishly.
Then suddenly a flash. I see a mother desperate and devastated on the phone standing by her parked car in front of an elementary school. An elementary school that could have so easily been my child's elementary school. A picture I had seen from the December Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre. A picture I will never forget.
Reality was sinking in. This was a drill in case someone came to hurt my child. This is me coming to see if my child is alive after the unthinkable has happened. My heart sank and began to ache. Do I really live in a world where we actually have to practice these drills? I turn the corner and see a humongous cluster of students and teachers in parallel lines. Teacher's with clip boards in hands and each child's name on the list. The scene is so disturbing to me, I begin to cry.
Crying for the mothers who turned that corner and went to that teacher with that clip board and their child was not on that list. Just the panic I felt wanting to get my little girl home was horrible enough. I went straight to Lexi's teacher and Lexi raced into my arms. Instant peace. I love this little girl completely. I need her in my life. Only then could I calm down. But the tears would not stop. I felt sick inside for those mothers and fathers who came and left with those same feelings. Feelings of panic and pure terror that the worst has happened to their child. I felt the tiniest bit of panic and I thought I would burst.
I do live in a world where drills like this exist.
Our Elementary did an exceptional job in their drill. They would not release ANY child to anyone but a parent or a guardian. Those teachers knew their kids and knew their parents. It was amazing to see the organization and knowledge they had about their students. I felt comforted in this drill despite how disturbing it was to me. The reasons for why we have this drill is an absolute nightmare. But--I am so grateful they did this drill. It is a harsh truth. I hope the reality never comes to anymore schools in this world, but, we all know that will never happen. We have to be prepared. Thank you to our Elementary.
I am crying for my babies. I am crying for those innocent children and those brave teachers. My heart, my love, my tears, my thoughts, my prayers, and my entire empathy as a mother goes out to all who lost their sweet baby. My gratitude, love, and faith in the good of people goes out to the teachers that died for those sweet children. The world is truly a lesser place without them in it.
Thank you to those family members who have stood up to be heard and made it known we need these drills in our schools. Because of you my child is a little safer. Your pain will not be in vain. You have made my child's school a safer one. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart. Here is a list of those precious angels and their strong teachers. Thank you again to those family members who are taking a stand against gun violence.
Charlotte Bacon (2/22/06), 6 years old, female
Daniel Barden (9/25/05), 7 years old, male
Rachel Davino (7/17/83), Staff member, 29 years old, female
Olivia Engel (7/18/06), 6 years old, female
Josephine Gay (12/11/05), 7 years old, female
Ana M. Marquez-Greene (4/4/06), 6 years old, female
Dylan Hockley (3/8/06), 6 years old, male
Dawn Hochsprung (6/28/65), Principal, 47 years old, female
Madeleine F. Hsu (7/10/06), 6 years old, female
Catherine V. Hubbard (6/8/06), 6 years old, female
Chase Kowalski (10/31/05), 7 years old, male
Nancy Lanza, 52 years old, female (mother of shooter Adam Lanza)
Jesse Lewis (6/30/06), 6 years old, male
James Mattioli (03/22/06), 6 years old, male
Grace McDonnell (11/4/05), 7 years old, female
Anne Marie Murphy (7/25/60), Staff member, 52 years old, female
Emilie Parker (05/12/06), 6 years old, female
Jack Pinto (05/05/06), 6 years old, male
Noah Pozner (11/20/06), 6 years old, male
Caroline Previdi (9/07/06), 6 years old, female
Jessica Rekos (5/10/06), 6 years old, female
Avielle Richman (11/17/06) 6 years old, female
Lauren Rousseau (June 1982), Staff member, 30 years old, female
Mary Sherlach (2/11/56), Staff member, 56 years old, female
Victoria Soto (11/04/85), Staff member, 27 years old, female
Benjamin Wheeler (09/12/06), 6 years old, male
Allison N. Wyatt (07/03/06), 6 years old, female
She hugs me and immediately says, "IT"S DRILL DAY!!! Did you remember?!" I look at her perplexed. Of course I did not remember. It was the furthest thing from my mind at that very moment. "Um.....No. I did not remember it was drill day." She looked at me half disappointed half shame-shaming me. I looked at her desperately. "Come on Lex. You gotta cut me some slack. I'm not awake. What do I need to do?" She tells me all the things I need to do and I am immediately bugged. Seriously?! Chase gets out at 10:45 AM and Lexi at 1:15 PM. I need to personally check them out of school or they will not be released. I realize it is a drill because of last December. (the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre.) Although I think it is a very needed and fantastic thing to be practicing, I am still so put out it is today of all days. I am tired and grumpy. I so don't need this today. Between picking up the two, sleep will be short lived. I struggle to fall asleep.
I end up only sleeping an hour that day. I have gotten chase. I didn't have to check him out. Picking him up was quick and easy. I had no idea what I was in for with Lexi. No idea.
Lexi calls me from the school. I am late. I feel terrible. I hurry and drive over to the school and cars are lined up all around the school and parents are walking into the school from far distances. I sigh and park. I am far away from the school. It is a walk to get there. I am still thinking very selfishly.
Then suddenly a flash. I see a mother desperate and devastated on the phone standing by her parked car in front of an elementary school. An elementary school that could have so easily been my child's elementary school. A picture I had seen from the December Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre. A picture I will never forget.
Reality was sinking in. This was a drill in case someone came to hurt my child. This is me coming to see if my child is alive after the unthinkable has happened. My heart sank and began to ache. Do I really live in a world where we actually have to practice these drills? I turn the corner and see a humongous cluster of students and teachers in parallel lines. Teacher's with clip boards in hands and each child's name on the list. The scene is so disturbing to me, I begin to cry.
Crying for the mothers who turned that corner and went to that teacher with that clip board and their child was not on that list. Just the panic I felt wanting to get my little girl home was horrible enough. I went straight to Lexi's teacher and Lexi raced into my arms. Instant peace. I love this little girl completely. I need her in my life. Only then could I calm down. But the tears would not stop. I felt sick inside for those mothers and fathers who came and left with those same feelings. Feelings of panic and pure terror that the worst has happened to their child. I felt the tiniest bit of panic and I thought I would burst.
I do live in a world where drills like this exist.
Our Elementary did an exceptional job in their drill. They would not release ANY child to anyone but a parent or a guardian. Those teachers knew their kids and knew their parents. It was amazing to see the organization and knowledge they had about their students. I felt comforted in this drill despite how disturbing it was to me. The reasons for why we have this drill is an absolute nightmare. But--I am so grateful they did this drill. It is a harsh truth. I hope the reality never comes to anymore schools in this world, but, we all know that will never happen. We have to be prepared. Thank you to our Elementary.
I am crying for my babies. I am crying for those innocent children and those brave teachers. My heart, my love, my tears, my thoughts, my prayers, and my entire empathy as a mother goes out to all who lost their sweet baby. My gratitude, love, and faith in the good of people goes out to the teachers that died for those sweet children. The world is truly a lesser place without them in it.
Thank you to those family members who have stood up to be heard and made it known we need these drills in our schools. Because of you my child is a little safer. Your pain will not be in vain. You have made my child's school a safer one. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart. Here is a list of those precious angels and their strong teachers. Thank you again to those family members who are taking a stand against gun violence.
Charlotte Bacon (2/22/06), 6 years old, female
Daniel Barden (9/25/05), 7 years old, male
Rachel Davino (7/17/83), Staff member, 29 years old, female
Olivia Engel (7/18/06), 6 years old, female
Josephine Gay (12/11/05), 7 years old, female
Ana M. Marquez-Greene (4/4/06), 6 years old, female
Dylan Hockley (3/8/06), 6 years old, male
Dawn Hochsprung (6/28/65), Principal, 47 years old, female
Madeleine F. Hsu (7/10/06), 6 years old, female
Catherine V. Hubbard (6/8/06), 6 years old, female
Chase Kowalski (10/31/05), 7 years old, male
Nancy Lanza, 52 years old, female (mother of shooter Adam Lanza)
Jesse Lewis (6/30/06), 6 years old, male
James Mattioli (03/22/06), 6 years old, male
Grace McDonnell (11/4/05), 7 years old, female
Anne Marie Murphy (7/25/60), Staff member, 52 years old, female
Emilie Parker (05/12/06), 6 years old, female
Jack Pinto (05/05/06), 6 years old, male
Noah Pozner (11/20/06), 6 years old, male
Caroline Previdi (9/07/06), 6 years old, female
Jessica Rekos (5/10/06), 6 years old, female
Avielle Richman (11/17/06) 6 years old, female
Lauren Rousseau (June 1982), Staff member, 30 years old, female
Mary Sherlach (2/11/56), Staff member, 56 years old, female
Victoria Soto (11/04/85), Staff member, 27 years old, female
Benjamin Wheeler (09/12/06), 6 years old, male
Allison N. Wyatt (07/03/06), 6 years old, female
What We Have Once Enjoyed We Can Never Loose
This post is dedicated to my Grandma Ogden. I am so sorry for your loss. I love you. I miss you. I can't wait to give you a big hug. This is also in memory of my Aunt Donna.
One Christmas instead of giving gifts I wanted to give a memory to my family. I think there is no better gift than a cherished memory. In our family Jesse, is a cherished memory. Sometimes in life that is all we have left of someone. A cherished memory. But that is what I love about memories. That is what I love about the heart. All those who leave us in this life live in us. They become a part of us.
There is a famous quote by Helen Keller that says, "What we have once enjoyed, we can never loose, all that we love becomes apart of us." It is a quote that really made me stop and think. It made me stop and think because it was so true. I am who I am today because of the people who raised me. I am who I am because of the people I have loved and let into my heart. They are a part of who I am. Even in death I will not loose them. They remain ever so close to me. They remain in the deepest part of my heart. The part that loves, cherishes, remembers, and knows that this is not the last time I will see them again. The part that gives me hope and strength. Strength to endure the pain I may feel in their absence.
So on Christmas Day instead of giving gifts I wanted to give a memory of Jesse to my family. I remember being so scared to share it with everyone, just like I am to share it with you now. But I felt as time was going by my memories were starting to fade. So I decided to write them down. You never realize how beautiful a person is until you write down everything you love about them. Try it one day. If there is someone you admire, write down what you love about them. You will be surprised how long the list is. Appreciate them while they are here.
When Jesse went missing I thought a huge chunk of my heart was taken away. When in reality, he just moved in. My heart swelled with love and admiration for him. It was overwhelming. Every memory flooded my brain. My love for him is stronger now than ever before. He is a part of me. I am so blessed to have been his sister. My time with him was short, but he was worth every second. I will take this pain just to know him. I am a better person because of my sweet brother. Here is the Poem I wrote describing who Jesse was.
One Christmas instead of giving gifts I wanted to give a memory to my family. I think there is no better gift than a cherished memory. In our family Jesse, is a cherished memory. Sometimes in life that is all we have left of someone. A cherished memory. But that is what I love about memories. That is what I love about the heart. All those who leave us in this life live in us. They become a part of us.
There is a famous quote by Helen Keller that says, "What we have once enjoyed, we can never loose, all that we love becomes apart of us." It is a quote that really made me stop and think. It made me stop and think because it was so true. I am who I am today because of the people who raised me. I am who I am because of the people I have loved and let into my heart. They are a part of who I am. Even in death I will not loose them. They remain ever so close to me. They remain in the deepest part of my heart. The part that loves, cherishes, remembers, and knows that this is not the last time I will see them again. The part that gives me hope and strength. Strength to endure the pain I may feel in their absence.
So on Christmas Day instead of giving gifts I wanted to give a memory of Jesse to my family. I remember being so scared to share it with everyone, just like I am to share it with you now. But I felt as time was going by my memories were starting to fade. So I decided to write them down. You never realize how beautiful a person is until you write down everything you love about them. Try it one day. If there is someone you admire, write down what you love about them. You will be surprised how long the list is. Appreciate them while they are here.
When Jesse went missing I thought a huge chunk of my heart was taken away. When in reality, he just moved in. My heart swelled with love and admiration for him. It was overwhelming. Every memory flooded my brain. My love for him is stronger now than ever before. He is a part of me. I am so blessed to have been his sister. My time with him was short, but he was worth every second. I will take this pain just to know him. I am a better person because of my sweet brother. Here is the Poem I wrote describing who Jesse was.
JESSE
Beautiful brother
beautiful friend
Beautiful soul
Beautifully complicated
faces shine when he enters the room
No matter the topic
Humor is never far from his lips
Joy whenever he is near
Spontaneously stupid
Crazy fun
Unconditionally loved
Amazingly witty
But surprisingly tender
Always a comfort
Always understanding
Always a gift to be around
Grateful to know him
Grateful to love him
Proud he is family
Never knowing his own beauty
But always seeing others
His absence piercing
But his spirit strong
His love all around us
His memories treasured
His laughter cherished
His beauty incomparable
Together again
Our Family Forever
For all those who have lost a loved one, from the deepest part of my heart I wish you comfort. I pray that you find peace in your sorrows. I am never one to say the road is easy all that matters is that you keep getting up. Doesn't matter how many times you fall, how gracefully you got up, it matters you keep getting up and you cross that finish line. Remember, "What we have once enjoyed we can never loose, all that we love becomes a part of us."
Grandma Ogden---I love you. I am so sorry about Aunt Donna. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Love to all my family at this time. You guys are the best!!!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
That Did Not Just Happen....
This really did happen, all in one night, and all to me.
Stomach Flu---A Mother's Worst Nightmare!
Kirt, my husband, was coaching my sons soccer practice right around dinner time. Lexi got a little cranky and said, "My stomach hurts!!!" So naturally I think, "Oh my gosh! What a baby! I swear I feed my kids every hour and they are still hungry!!!" So I load Lexi, Beckham and my friend Britney, in the car, (poor Britney came along for the ride). We decide to go to Arby's just down the rode to get the kid's Dinner. By the time we get to Arby's Lexi is practically screaming that her tummy is killing her. Britney and I decide she may have diarrhea by the way Lexi has described her pain. I swerve and park asap. She looks as though she might explode. All three of us are in a panic. I get her out of the car and we are running to get into Arby's. I am pulling open the door into the main lobby of Arby's and Lexi starts to cough. It is the barf cough. "Oh no." I think. "Run!" I shout. And we run to the grass in front of Arby's and State Street. By now, I am practically carrying her. It's too late, she is barfing on my arms and hands. "Whatever." I think. People are driving by and watching my poor Lexi barf. I actually saw one girl see us and turn away and dry heave herself. I couldn't help but laugh.
With nowhere to wipe my hands but the grass and my jacket I smell wonderful. I didn't dare go into Arby's. They were already unhappy with the mess we left in front of their building, I knew coming inside would be pushing it. By now I am feeling really bad I thought she was faking the tummy ache. I picked my pale faced little girl up and put her in the car. I still went through the drive thru and got food for the kids. That was fun. Poor Britney pretended she couldn't smell a thing. WOW! What a good friend.
So, Lexi is very sick by now. It is tax season and Kirt is an accountant. He was gone the rest of the night. I have no idea where. Landon tells me his tummy hurts. By now, I believe my children. I learned my lesson. As he was saying "My tummy hurt's" he let out the most beautiful burp and barf splashed all over my bare feet. I thought, "Awesome. It doesn't get any better than this." Cute little Landon looked up at me with his blue, blue eyes and said, "Oh, mommy, I barfed on you......I'm sorry." As much as I was grossed out, it was totally cute. After this night, my kids were lucky they were so cute......cause they had nothing else going for them......kidding. I really do adore my kids. I'm a really sarcastic person......I'm sure if you don't know me my posts do not translate very well:)
I clean and wash off my feet but still I have not showered. Gross huh? I know. But you know when you don't shower for the day because you know you are going to be cleaning all day? That's how I felt.....I just knew the night was not over.....I knew there was more barf to come. It was pointless to shower.
I decided to make all the kids sleep upstairs in one location. This way I could sleep by all four of them and we could have a community barf bowl and I could get to all of them in one swift movement. So, I set up our big blow up mattress. We watched a movie with no problems and all fell asleep but the youngest. Cute little Beckham. He was being so cute! He had his head on my shoulder and he just kept talking to me. We talked about the dog and the cat. His favorite color. How much he loved his dad and then BARF!!!!! All in my face and mouth. THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN! No way.........I am in complete shock while I accidentally swallow a little of my child's barf. "Ok. That did just happen" I thought. I sit up. Beckham is un-phased as he giggles at the sight of his mother's face covered in his previously eaten dinner. The only words out of his mouth is "Mommy, yuck" I slowly get up and am so grossed out, I laugh. How can this night get any worse? "It can't", I thought. The worst is over. I wash off my face and mouth. Amazingly, because my hair had been tied back, the delightful mixture did not get into my hair. Still no shower....totally gross. I KNOW. WHY??? I still felt deep down inside, there was more. More that these little monsters had for me. (and by monsters I mean beautiful lovely children.) I change the bedding. The rest of the night it was Chase's turn. All he did was dry heave. Poor guy had nothing in him.
Now, you would think that is all I have in my family. I would too. But turns out we are both wrong. I have animals too. So I was up until 4:30 AM with my cute babies. AT 4;30 AM my dog River had and ear ache. I knew that because when I finally got to sleep she woke me up with her whining and scratching her ear like crazy. I went to pet her and my hand rubbed into some sticky goo that was leaking out of her ear. That is when I got grossed out. I gave her some doggy pain medication, cleaned out her ear, made a note to get her to the vet, and sent her off too bed.
By then, I was exhausted. I went downstairs to my bedroom where Kirt was, (he got home really late that night). It was pitch black so I had to feel my way to the bed and around to my side. I got into the bed and Kirt asked how everything was. I told him everything. There was a slight pause. "Kirt, did you fart???" There was another pause, "No....did you?" "Um.....No." I said, because he knows I am always proud of my farts and claim them whenever they are mine. I sigh and plop my hands to the side of the comforter. SPLAT!!! That did not just happen!!! I knew what my hand was in before I even turned on the lights. I knew what my hand was in before I even lifted up my hand to move it off of what it was in. I knew what my hand was in as soon as it went SPLAT!!! "*#!*#(*^@#" I said. "What?!" said Kirt. Sounding very annoyed that I kept talking. "I just put my hand in cat crap!!!" I yelled very loudly. "No you didn't" Kirt said. Not wanting to believe he had been sleeping next to cat crap the entire night. "Um....YES I DID!!! LOOK!!!!" I flipped on the light switch and we saw the best sight of the night. It beat all the barf on the hands, feet, in the face, and down the throat by a mile.
Yes. This is when I got the cat and it is still banned from the house. This is when I dry heaved. This is when Kirt dry heaved. This is when.....I did finally give in.......I took the shower of all showers. I scrubbed and scrubbed. I am so clean and yet I feel so dirty. This is when I thought, That there is no way that that day just happened?!!!
Stomach Flu---A Mother's Worst Nightmare!
Kirt, my husband, was coaching my sons soccer practice right around dinner time. Lexi got a little cranky and said, "My stomach hurts!!!" So naturally I think, "Oh my gosh! What a baby! I swear I feed my kids every hour and they are still hungry!!!" So I load Lexi, Beckham and my friend Britney, in the car, (poor Britney came along for the ride). We decide to go to Arby's just down the rode to get the kid's Dinner. By the time we get to Arby's Lexi is practically screaming that her tummy is killing her. Britney and I decide she may have diarrhea by the way Lexi has described her pain. I swerve and park asap. She looks as though she might explode. All three of us are in a panic. I get her out of the car and we are running to get into Arby's. I am pulling open the door into the main lobby of Arby's and Lexi starts to cough. It is the barf cough. "Oh no." I think. "Run!" I shout. And we run to the grass in front of Arby's and State Street. By now, I am practically carrying her. It's too late, she is barfing on my arms and hands. "Whatever." I think. People are driving by and watching my poor Lexi barf. I actually saw one girl see us and turn away and dry heave herself. I couldn't help but laugh.
With nowhere to wipe my hands but the grass and my jacket I smell wonderful. I didn't dare go into Arby's. They were already unhappy with the mess we left in front of their building, I knew coming inside would be pushing it. By now I am feeling really bad I thought she was faking the tummy ache. I picked my pale faced little girl up and put her in the car. I still went through the drive thru and got food for the kids. That was fun. Poor Britney pretended she couldn't smell a thing. WOW! What a good friend.
So, Lexi is very sick by now. It is tax season and Kirt is an accountant. He was gone the rest of the night. I have no idea where. Landon tells me his tummy hurts. By now, I believe my children. I learned my lesson. As he was saying "My tummy hurt's" he let out the most beautiful burp and barf splashed all over my bare feet. I thought, "Awesome. It doesn't get any better than this." Cute little Landon looked up at me with his blue, blue eyes and said, "Oh, mommy, I barfed on you......I'm sorry." As much as I was grossed out, it was totally cute. After this night, my kids were lucky they were so cute......cause they had nothing else going for them......kidding. I really do adore my kids. I'm a really sarcastic person......I'm sure if you don't know me my posts do not translate very well:)
I clean and wash off my feet but still I have not showered. Gross huh? I know. But you know when you don't shower for the day because you know you are going to be cleaning all day? That's how I felt.....I just knew the night was not over.....I knew there was more barf to come. It was pointless to shower.
I decided to make all the kids sleep upstairs in one location. This way I could sleep by all four of them and we could have a community barf bowl and I could get to all of them in one swift movement. So, I set up our big blow up mattress. We watched a movie with no problems and all fell asleep but the youngest. Cute little Beckham. He was being so cute! He had his head on my shoulder and he just kept talking to me. We talked about the dog and the cat. His favorite color. How much he loved his dad and then BARF!!!!! All in my face and mouth. THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN! No way.........I am in complete shock while I accidentally swallow a little of my child's barf. "Ok. That did just happen" I thought. I sit up. Beckham is un-phased as he giggles at the sight of his mother's face covered in his previously eaten dinner. The only words out of his mouth is "Mommy, yuck" I slowly get up and am so grossed out, I laugh. How can this night get any worse? "It can't", I thought. The worst is over. I wash off my face and mouth. Amazingly, because my hair had been tied back, the delightful mixture did not get into my hair. Still no shower....totally gross. I KNOW. WHY??? I still felt deep down inside, there was more. More that these little monsters had for me. (and by monsters I mean beautiful lovely children.) I change the bedding. The rest of the night it was Chase's turn. All he did was dry heave. Poor guy had nothing in him.
Now, you would think that is all I have in my family. I would too. But turns out we are both wrong. I have animals too. So I was up until 4:30 AM with my cute babies. AT 4;30 AM my dog River had and ear ache. I knew that because when I finally got to sleep she woke me up with her whining and scratching her ear like crazy. I went to pet her and my hand rubbed into some sticky goo that was leaking out of her ear. That is when I got grossed out. I gave her some doggy pain medication, cleaned out her ear, made a note to get her to the vet, and sent her off too bed.
By then, I was exhausted. I went downstairs to my bedroom where Kirt was, (he got home really late that night). It was pitch black so I had to feel my way to the bed and around to my side. I got into the bed and Kirt asked how everything was. I told him everything. There was a slight pause. "Kirt, did you fart???" There was another pause, "No....did you?" "Um.....No." I said, because he knows I am always proud of my farts and claim them whenever they are mine. I sigh and plop my hands to the side of the comforter. SPLAT!!! That did not just happen!!! I knew what my hand was in before I even turned on the lights. I knew what my hand was in before I even lifted up my hand to move it off of what it was in. I knew what my hand was in as soon as it went SPLAT!!! "*#!*#(*^@#" I said. "What?!" said Kirt. Sounding very annoyed that I kept talking. "I just put my hand in cat crap!!!" I yelled very loudly. "No you didn't" Kirt said. Not wanting to believe he had been sleeping next to cat crap the entire night. "Um....YES I DID!!! LOOK!!!!" I flipped on the light switch and we saw the best sight of the night. It beat all the barf on the hands, feet, in the face, and down the throat by a mile.
Yes. This is when I got the cat and it is still banned from the house. This is when I dry heaved. This is when Kirt dry heaved. This is when.....I did finally give in.......I took the shower of all showers. I scrubbed and scrubbed. I am so clean and yet I feel so dirty. This is when I thought, That there is no way that that day just happened?!!!
Monday, March 25, 2013
Autism-My brother Seth
Seth was a normal "annoying" little brother, or so I thought. He pulled my hair whenever I came near him, drooled all over the place, and needed a lot of mom's attention. He was developing like all of us did. He was starting to say "mama" and "dada". He was even starting to repeat after mom and dad when they would say the prayer for dinner. Then one day it all changed. It honestly seemed to change overnight.
Seth was about 2 1/2 and Mom had to have surgery. She was down for about 2 weeks and Seth was sent to my Aunt Carolyn's so Mom could heal. (it was a pretty serious surgery.) When Seth came back he no longer spoke. He no longer looked at us. He would not go to my mom. Seth was gone. It was as if the Seth we knew left and an entirely new person came and took over his body.
I remember feeling like I wanted to reach inside of my brother and grab a hold of Seth and where he was hiding. I wanted to reach in and pull him out. I knew he was somewhere deep inside that body of his. How does a person just disappear like that? As a sibling and a child it made no sense to me. I think of my mother. What a nightmare. What a nightmare for any mother. I know I felt like I lost my brother. She must have felt like she lost her son. I want to cry for all you mothers out there who have had to go through this. To have your baby developing so completely normal and then seemingly the very next day they just leave........and all you have is the shell of what they used to be, my heart, love, and adoration goes out to you.
I remember just wanting to scream at him. He would just stare at walls. I didn't understand it. Where was he? Why wasn't he looking at me? I was so frustrated. I was hurting and I didn't know why. He was there and yet I felt like I had lost my baby brother. Why was my mom teaching him things he already knows?
As I grew to understand it, the easier it was to accept. We all tried to accept that this was the new Seth. The new Seth was silent, did not speak, and spent a lot of time staring at things. Seth went to a special school. At this point in time, Autism was in its' infant stages and many did not understand it. Far too many children were being misdiagnosed or simply untreated. To tell someone your child had autism was like saying you suffer from "ambiguous loss". Few understood the entire meaning of the word. But like most things, you would be surprised how many people you know suffer from it. (Just like autism today). There is so much more awareness about autism. People understand it more, and the treatments are so much better.
As time went by, we were fortunate enough that Seth started to respond very well to treatments. Seth began to talk. (People with severe autism sometimes never talk their entire lives.) As Seth began to talk he also, like any child struggling to communicate, would get frustrated.
Seth had a temper. I remember one day in particular, Seth and I got in an argument. Seth loves Video games, books, and TV. He has a great educated opinion. He does not like it if you disagree with him. He is better now. Back then, he was not. I did not like one of his movies that he was in love with at the time. I did not think this would get a huge reaction, but it did. Seth reached into the silverware drawer and pulled out a long, sharp, knife. "AH!!!" I thought. RUN. And I ran. I ran so fast that I could have beat anyone, anywhere. I was running for my life. He was fast. He was ready to kill me, (figuratively). I ran and had just enough time to get to the bathroom. The only room with a lock on it. I got in and quickly turned to lock the door. As I slammed the door I saw Seth's face. He was furious. I hurried and locked it. My heart was racing. Seth was pounding on the door but it didn't matter. I was safe.
I would not come out for 4 hours. That was when mom would be home. That was when it would be safe to come out. Rule #1-Never make Seth angry.
There would be a lot of scary moments like that. Seth was unpredictable. But--autism gets a bad reputation because of a lot of things on the news. Seth and most other autistic children like him are like any other disabled person. They need help like everyone else. Everyone is unique and one case does not define an entire kind of mentally handicapped people.
In Autism, it is known if a boy has autism, it can range from mild to severe. If a girl has Autism it is usually pretty severe. With Seth we have been very lucky. Seth, in his early years, didn't talk at all. My mother is a first grade teacher. She used that to her advantage and taught Seth relentlessly. She bought special programs and books to help him learn better and faster. Thanks to my mother, Seth is able to communicate to the outside world. You can talk to him and have a normal conversation with him, (for a little bit. Then you must talk about Greek mythology) He is a master in Greek mythology. He knows everything about it. It is fascinating to talk to him.
As a family we have talked about it and have figured Seth's mind has developed and relates best to those that are about fourteen to sixteen years old. In terms of video games and books. He tries to relate to children but simply cannot. He does not understand them. There have been numerous times he has felt threatened by them. In his mind, Seth has told me, that my 6 year old boy Chase scares him. When Chase has tried to play with his Uncle Seth and "Wrestle", Seth will feel threatened. He says he feels Chase could beat him up. He says he feels the need to fight back. And he has fought back. If we are not careful a real fight will happen. Seth honestly feels like my 6 year old is attacking him and could really hurt him. (Seth is gigantic in comparison to chase.) Relating to children has always been a challenge for Seth. He simply does not like kids. He tries. It is cute to see him try to be a "good uncle".
Seth is what you would call someone with "high functioning" autism. He is very smart and his memory is ridiculous. He can quote an entire movie word for word if he wanted to from beginning to end. (without making a mistake.) If I were to recommend a movie it would be "Rain Man" with Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman. A classic. If you haven't seen that, you've got problems.....kidding. But it's good. It's about an Autistic Savant. Which is basically someone who is autistic and is a prodigy or genius at something. Dustin Hoffman happens to be good with numbers. That movie reminds me a lot of Seth. I think Seth is that way with video games. That boy should get paid to play video games, he's that good.
There is a lot of speculation on how Autism is caused. I can say I'm a little stumped too. There has been speculation about food allergies (gluten), infections, problems at birth. I want to say it's genetics. I'm a nurse, (LPN), and I'm not buying into the whole immunization thing. I'm pro immunizations. The metal alloy they claimed caused Autism has been taken out of all immunizations. So that should cause some mothers some peace of mind. Now, even though I am pro immunizations, since I have a brother with autism, I was pretty freaked out. I spaced those immunizations out at 2 1/2 years old and watched my kids really carefully. I didn't do them all together. I was so bugged with myself. Because I truly don't believe immunizations cause Autism. But, what mother wants to risk it??? So for all you mothers out there who struggle with the deciding on immunizations, I get it. But---We do live in a great country and are so lucky to have these things available to us. People around the world die from so many preventable diseases. When there was an outbreak of smallpox in Utah I thought we should take more advantage of the great country we live in. We shouldn't count on others to do it for us. But----again, just my opinion. No judging here. I understand the other side of the argument as well. I understand everyone is just trying to do what they think is right for their child.
I you were to ask my mother, she would say she knew something was wrong with Seth from the very beginning. At first they thought it was muscular dystrophy, and that went on for 2 1/2 years until Autism stuck.
A lot of Autism I have noticed, is connection. They have a hard time connecting to this world. Most of the time, in the early years with, Seth he was in his own little world. A world you just wanted to yank him out of. A world you just wanted to be a part of. I would find myself wondering how someone could stay silent that long, or stare so steadily and reverently. My mother said she would notice my brother not maintaining eye contact, even as a tiny infant. She stated that it surprised her that he would not respond to her coo's. By 12 month's he was not babbling. One really big sign was that he would always line up his toys in a straight perfect line. ALWAYS. These are all huge signs of Autism.
As time passed, Seth became the life of the party. Since Seth was so hard to "discipline", if he wore anything we were lucky. When I was in high school, Seth was about 13. I was never embarrassed about anything, so it never occurred to me that it might be awkward for anyone else to see my brother dressed the way he dressed back then.
Seth would go to school and when he got home, he immediately stripped down into nothing but his whitey tighties. At this particular time, I was home. I had brought my 3 girlfriends home with me and we were talking and laughing in the front room. Seth bursts into the front door and begins to strip. (I think nothing of it). I have seen this a million times. This is like you seeing your mother walk up the stairs. I continue with the conversation as if nothing was happening. All my friends did was stare. They could not believe what they were seeing. Seth is a tall and big guy. Not fat, just big. He was 13 then. He was not A "little" boy. Whitey tighties were really snug around this boy. He was even starting to grow chest hair. My friends start to go red. I finally stop what I am saying. I am so confused as to why they are staring at my brother. "oh yeah" I thought. "Seth, you can't strip here. There are girls here." Seth stops and thinks, "Oh. Oh yeah. Ok sis. Sorry sis. I'll be downstairs sis." Then he comes over to me and gives me a big hug. I am sitting in between all of my friends. Seth is just in his whitey tighties. I am laughing so hard. He turns and leaves. "Man! I love my brother!" I think. He just made my day. All 3 of my friends were officially and totally uncomfortable!!! I was loving every second of it! After awhile, we were all laughing. I love how innocent everything is with him. It is so refreshing.
I think of all those mothers who are raising handicapped children. I think of how hard it is. I know my mother cries sometimes at night because she had and has hopes and dreams for Seth's future. Some of the things she wishes for him may never happen. A wife, a college education, a full time job. But--Some of those dreams she wishes may come true. As mothers we hope only for the best for our children. I have to say, to all those who are struggling to raise a handicapped child, how much I admire and respect you. The difference you are making in your child's life is one that will not be forgotten. I truly believe they are sent down to bless our lives. I was just a sister to a brother with Autism. He has taught me so much.
In the beginning I said I felt like I lost my baby brother. But I didn't. I got Seth. I lost nothing. I gained
Seth. Life would not be the same without him. I have been taught what it means to be truly patient by him. He taught me to laugh and not care what people think. He taught me not to judge people on the outside. He taught me to look deep inside and see what is in people's heart. He makes me see the bigger picture. We have been so blessed to have him in our family.
To all you mothers out there with your special little babies, you are so amazing! I'm so grateful for all you do. Seth is now 21 years old and looking back, I cannot believe that all the times I thought I was trying to help teach him something, he was actually the one teaching me! Thank you, my cute baby brother.
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